Thursday, December 27, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
decorations are draped all around.
When all is quiet in the dark of night
I listen yet don't hear a sound.
My mind can hear the laughter
of Christmas's gone by.
My mind can recall the visions
I barely have to try.
Most memories come unheeded
of Christmas around a tree.
With all my children with me
gathered at my knee.
This Christmas we have a different tree
and are making traditions anew.
With your children gathered at my knee
sharing memories of you.
My heart can feel your laughter
from Christmas's gone by.
My heart can feel your presence
I barely have to try.
The lights are bright on our Christmas tree,
decorations are draped all around.
You are with me in the dark of night
I just listen with my heart and you are found.
:one that whirls or dances with or as if with the abandonment of a dervish
Last Wednesday I got my cast off. My finger was pretty much healed, he just wanted to be sure it was set before I had full use of it enough to do some therapy for my hand. The rules were to keep it taped for 3 weeks until I saw the doc again Jan. 14th. I did pretty good until after Hunter's party. The tape got wet & yucky, so I took it off in the kitchen and headed to the bathroom for more tape. Alexa came dancing by me, grabbed my hand to twirl herself and when she lost her balance she grabbed my finger and twisted to catch herself... snapping and twisting my almost healed finger and rebreaking it! I didn't think it could be broken worse than the first time, or be more painful..but IT IS! They said it was a spiral break this time and was more difficult to heal. The first time it hurt, but I was able to use the hand to support or carry things and I could use the available fingers to open things, etc. Not this time. To use it at all is very painful. I am even typing one handed! I broke down and filled a script for some pain meds. I haven't taken any yet although after running errands yesterday I said I was going to. It is even worse this morning. So I will take half of one and see how that goes. Of course my ortho doc is off til Wed, so I have a temporary hard cast on until I see him. I am sure he will be thrilled. I know I am! The new rules from the ER doc.. no more dancing!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Is it just me.. or does this Santa look mean?? I didn't notice that at the time!
Tristan looks so short because he was scrunching down to be next to Hunter.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Thursday, December 06, 2007
When Kierra was about Lexie's age she & Brianne were supposedly taking a nap. Kierra let Bri, who was about a year or so old, "help" her spray a full bottle of baby powder into the air in the bedroom. It was everywhere! In the speaker holes of the bedside radio, coated all over the hardwood floors, blankets, beds, etc. It took days to clean it all up. Trust me, a little powder goes a long way.. a lot of powder is endless! I think the clock radio still had powder in it when we got rid of it years later!
So some things are destined to be repeated. There are some things they will do just like she did. But they are not her, they are their own person, and they will make their own way in this world.. we are just along for the ride!
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Tristan thinks he should be able to ride them.. good thing they don't go out front unsupervised. I will have to keep an extra keen ear on the door alarm, I am sure he will try it at least once!
Saturday, December 01, 2007
I just bought Alexa a couple pairs of jeans because she has less pants than the boys do. I washed them with a load of jeans and then threw a couple pair along with a pair of Hunter's jeans into the dryer so they could get dressed and we could go to a Santa party. When I opened the dryer everything, including the inside of my dryer, was flourescent yellow! Thank goodness I turned Lexie's new jeans inside out.. just the cuff and waistband show bright yellow, but the other jeans weren't so lucky. No one knows where the crayon came from or whose pocket it was in. I check most pockets, but for over a dozen pair of puny jeans there is bound to be a missed one.. obviously!
I cleaned out my dryer somewhat and will finish it later. We went to the Santa party, will post pix when I get them. I then dropped them at daycare for a couple hours so I could run some errands in relative peace & quiet. The time flew by too fast and here we are back home. In the past half hour Alexa has gotten soap bubbles in her eye, Hunter and Tristan bumped heads, and I am about to throw every little toy & whistle they got at that party straight into the trash so they will quit arguing who got what color, etc!
Other than that we're just fine!
Friday, November 30, 2007
I had quite the converstaion with my therapist today.. yes I am seeing one.. don't get your hopes up, I have been seeing her for years now and am still an emotional mess!.. Imagine if I wasn't seeing her!!
Anywho, she said that my being morose and miserable wasn't really such a bad thing. I tend to tuck it all away and keep it controlled most of the time and right now my emotions are on overload and want out! So for those around when I spew... sorry! She also gave me homework.. to practice saying NO. I tend to agree to do whatever is asked of me and then I am overwhelmed. I think I will get a failing grade on that one, I have done it for years.
I did get alot of the Christmas stuff out and have done some decorating. I finished the mantel tonight. I will post a pic in the next day or so. A pearl of wisdom from the movie "What about Bob"... baby steps.. baby steps.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Built Upon the Past.....Family Holidays
As the holidays approach, you may be preparing yourself to gather with family members you don’t usually spend time visiting. You may even feel that you are choosing to meet more from a sense of obligation than celebration. But when we trust that the universe always places us exactly where we need to be, we know that we have been placed in our families for some higher purpose. Your spirit may have chosen that particular group of souls to help you learn certain lessons, or to give you the experiences necessary to overcome specific challenges. And when we feel we’ve moved away from situations that don’t resemble us or the life we choose to live, it can seem frustrating to put ourselves back into an old scenario. But even a sense of obligation is a sign that you are still connected to the energy of your family, and for that alone it is worth investing yourself into making the most of any gathering.
Once surrounded by people from your past, you may find that you are feeling challenged by a sort of identity crisis. There is likely to be a gap between the person you know yourself to be now and how you are seen by those who knew you before. But you can call upon your inner strength to stand in your truth and simply be who you are without needing their approval or heeding any criticism. Then, you can offer them the gift you’d like to receive when you also allow them to be themselves. Being in situations that we might not choose for ourselves allows us to see ourselves in a new light. The contrast helps us to see our own strengths and weaknesses, and to learn to accept others for theirs.
Part of the magic of family is the way in which it bonds diverse people together, allowing them to function as a complete unit. Who we are today has been built upon our past. If nothing else, rejoining with the family and friends who knew us in our earlier days allows us to recall where we came from so that we can appreciate all that we’ve been given.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
I say I will get to bed early, but I know I won't. I am tired often, but this kind of tired is different. Chad says it is because when you break a bone it wears out your body to heal it. I don't remember being this exhausted when I broke my foot. My therapist said it could be depression. But I am often depressed and it isn't the same. So who knows, I figure I'll blame it on the time change!
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Alexa sees them and responds in the miniature maternal way girls talk to their dolls and babies of any kind.. "awwww baby froggy, you cute!" Tristan responds in the timeless language of boys.." Hah, froggy, cool, I want one!" I tell him he has hundreds, and they live outside. Although I have rescued numerous ones from inside the house, disposing quickly of the ones I find that didn't get rescued quick enough!
I am not up to the great Shore tadpole rescue we had a few years ago. Adding 30-40 tadpoles/frogs to the house is just too much to even consider! We will enjoy them while we have them around us and then we will remember them in pictures. As it is with all things precious to us..
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Nov 10 2007 3:18 PM
To My Grouch,
Not a day goes by without thinking about you and missing you so much. The last time I would ever see you was two years ago today. I had worked the night before and was up because I had to go to a driver’s license hearing on a drunk driving arrest. You came by the house to borrow the vacuum to do some cleaning at your new apartment. You said one of the kids’ toys was stuck in your vacuum so it wasn’t working. I told you to go ahead. As you left, you said, “I love you Daddy!”. That was the last words I would ever hear you say and I cherish the sound of them as I replay that moment over and over in my mind.Lately I’ve had the last lines running through my mind from one country song you liked. It’s from “Don’t Take the Girl” by Tim Mcgraw. I’m sure you’d remember it, it goes: “Take the very breath you gave me. Take the heart from my chest. I’ll gladly take her place if you’ll let me. Make this my last request. Take me out of this world. God please don’t take the girl!” I wish over and over I could take your place so you could be here with your babies, Mom, Brianne, Chad, Hunter and everyone else that misses you as much as I do. All My Love and Hugs and Kisses, Daddy
Yes, I will mourn her tomorrow. I will mourn her and everything we lost on that day 2 years ago. But I will do it by taking a walk on the beach, maybe take her kids to the park. Maybe I will go see a movie..of course a scary one, those were her favorite! Because that is what I do often when I miss her, on all the days I am reminded that she was taken from me. So do what you want/need to do. Remember her however you feel will honor her in your memory and your heart. That is what I do every day.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
This is the option when you promised to go camping, but it is a Holiday weekend and you messed up your hand. Then you can't camp out in the back yard because it is going to be 48 degrees outside tonight. So we are camping in. Brian bought these for the kids last Christmas, this is the first time they've been out of the box. They came with their own sleeping bag, flashlight, & compass. Now it's time for hot chocolate & Marshmallows!
Click on pic for close ups of each one!
A bonus is that the hard cast will protect my hand when I go horse back riding.. did you actually think I wouldn't still do that?! The downside is.. I can't kayak, and it is a bear trying to wash dishes or shower! Everything is a trade off!
I used to be the one who kept quiet and worried about it all day, sometimes longer. After dealing with a sad situation that could have been prevented I decided not to be the quiet one anymore. I have addressed similar situations numerous times. Most are not pleasant conversations, yet suprisingly, some are. Either way, if I make that person stop and think even for a moment, or make them look up the dateline article on how dangerous the carseat issue is, then maybe it was worth a few minutes of uncomfortable conversation in a parking lot or store. Maybe it will make enough difference to change or save a life. I don't aproach them in anger, I aproach them like a friend I am worried about. I aproach them like the young, scared, uninformed mother I once was. You never know if they just needed someone to tell them where to go for help, or just needed to hear a friendly voice when everything else in their life is going terribly wrong. We tend to feel it isn't our place or our problem. I used to feel that way, and I missed out on the feeling of doing good, of making a difference, of touching just a little bit more of this earthly world I am living in. It far outweighs the nasty response you sometimes get and it far outweighs saying nothing at all. Another bonus, my 6 year old son notices others more and often points out someone in need, whether it is an elderly person who needs help or someone struggling to deal with their child. It isn't in a nosy way. It is with concern and compassion. What better way to teach than by example.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Emotions are high anyway, so this all just adds to the roller coaster. I have been walking the kids and Cali around our 1.1 mile block every day and letting them play at the playground to let off steam and get us all some fresh air. And that leads us to another adventure.. and another blog.......
Monday, November 05, 2007
1.) Got away with my daughter & my friend for the weekend ( a 2 for 1!).
2.) Stopped at the ranch on the way up (& back) and went horse back riding! (another 2 for 1!)
3.) Went to the mountains and saw fall foliage and felt cool, crisp air..very crisp, there was frost on the ground Sunday morning & our bathing suits froze!
4.) (explanation of the frozen suits..) Went into a hot tub outdoors in very cold weather, warmed up with the hot water and Asti!
5.) Got to go to the top of a mountain and see awesome beauty during my favorite time of year.
6.) Went shopping in a quaint little town, Helen...well duh! We were in the mountains, not Siberia!
7.) Got to stay in a rustic cabin complete with stone fireplace.
It was different to spend time in close qaurters with people I don't really know. The Jax Kayak group gets together locally, but not often for weekend trips. There are some I wish I had more time with and some, I wish not to! I am sooo spoiled by those I know & love! Thank you all!! As usual Terri, Bri, & I made our own fun and had a great time. I would like to visit there again. It would have been cool to kayak, maybe another time. They are having an awful drought and the water levels are too low. Oh!, & I learned a new Mantra.. you fill in the blank.. "Not my ____, Not my problem!" (ie; kid, family, credit card, husband, house, etc.) It works!
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Jodee Messina "Bring on the Rain", Cheryl Ladd "Lady Gray", and now Faith Hill's new song..
Faith Hill Red Umbrella Lyrics
Sometimes life can get a little dark
I'm sure I've got bruises on my heart
Here come the black clouds full of pain
Yeah, you can break away without the chains
Your love is like a red umbrella
Walk the streets like Cinderella
Everyone can see it on my face
(So) let it rain
It's pourin' all around
Let it fall
(No) it ain't gonna drown me
I'm gonna be okay
(So) let it rain(Oh, let it rain)
(Let it fall)(I'm gonna be okay)
(So let it rain)
You can wear your sorrow like an old raincoat
You can save your tears in a bottle made of gold
But the glitter on the sidewalk always shines
Yeah, even God needs to cry sometimes
Your love is like a red umbrella
Always there to make me better
When my broken dreams
Are fallin' from the sky
So Let it rain
It's pourin all around
Let it fall
No, it ain't gonna drown me
I'm gonna be okay
So let it rain, Oh let it rain
Let it fall, I'm gonna be okay
So let it rain
Let it wash my tears away
Tomorrow's another day
so let it rain.....
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I was talking to my mother the other day when I first got sick and she was so... not really patronizing, but too nice. She said she understood why I felt so bad since the anniversary of Kierra's death is coming up. I couldn't seem to convince her it was a stomach bug. Of course it is coming up, and yes, I think about it. But it really doesn't feel worse than any other day right now. I am sure on the day it will. It is more in my face that day. But right now it feels like it does every other day. Because it is always here, that ache, that pain. It doesn't go away and just come back on certain occasions. But if you know me, know how my Mom is, then you understand. At least she isn't explaining me away as being "ill". Well, at least not that I have heard of anyway!
So I will finish up all the goodies I am cooking, feed the horde, and see what else I can get done.
Monday, October 29, 2007
They were waiting to get their picture taken at the doggy Halloween party. Can you tell they are both tired of waiting?! Hunter at 6 years, (almost 7!) and Cali at 5 1/2 months.
We did have a good time despite gray weather and a few sprinkles. Cali got to run with the "big dogs" and socialize a bit. And Hunter got to have some quality fun time. All in all a good day!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
A comment was made to someone when Kierra died.."Will they want to give Hunter back now?"
Such a thought is so ludicrous to me. He is our son. He is our child.
I don' t think about what my life would be without them, other than wondering what it would be like if she were still here.
Yes, I have days when I don't want this to be my life. Yes, I have days when I wonder if I will ever have time with Brian without kids underfoot! But, No, I will not disappear one day and abandon my family, the people I love.
Honestly, haven't we all wondered what a different life would be like? Have you never thought what it would be like to back pack around Europe? To have no responsibilities other than yourself? I am sure the ones who have that wonder what it would like to have a van full of kids and a picket fence. That is human nature. Wondering isn't wanting. Wondering won't have me packing my bags. I want the people I love to live long lives and be happy. I think that is enough of a goal to shoot for. And I plan on being around to help them accomplish it.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
Love ya girl..
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
I must say I am not usually a morning person. Especially at the butt-crack of dawn to whiny children! I have no patience or tolerance that early in the morning. It doesn't help if I have only gotten a couple hours of sleep! On the rare occasion I wake up on my own, which usually only happens on my horse ranch weekends, I think I am generally in a good mood. Not chipper, but not cranky.
So, do we inherit our morning moods? What determines our body's timeclock? Can it be changed? Is there a magic happy pill for cranky morning children?? Ok, I know the likely answer to the last one, but couldn't resist slipping it in there!!
Last Saturday morning I woke up in the hotel room near the horse ranch and realized I was all by myself. It was a bit disappointing that I woke up much earlier than my alarm! I actually had to sit there a few minutes and try to figure out what to do. That may sound strange, but most days I wake up to demanding children. I start my day doing for them, putting anything I want at the bottom of the list. Some days I am lucky to think about getting a cup of coffee. Even luckier if I actually remember to drink it! I usually take someone to the ranch with me. So I am thinking of what they may like, or what our schedule needs to be. Greta and Randy went with me, but they had their own room and were spending the time with Katie & Cody. So I was almost at a loss as to what to do. Riding my own horse by myself gives me the freedom to go and ride whenever I want, not just when the ranch has their set times to ride. It is a habit for me to ride during those times, so I set my schedule for then. It just took me a few minutes to decide what I wanted to do since it is usually dictated by the kids!
Friday, October 19, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
I used to have quite a hard time getting the older kids to eat meatloaf when they were small. I could use the same recipe and make meatballs, no problem, but the word meatloaf immediately brought groans and complaints. Then someone told me to cook it in a bundt pan, which leaves a big hole in the middle. Then you fill the middle and pile it high with mashed potatoes, like a mountain. The finishing touch was to pour cheese sauce over the top.. like an erupting volcano! It worked like a charm. I quit using the term "meatloaf", although I continued to use the same recipe. Whenever they asked what we were having and got the response "Volcano", they couldn't wait for dinner. Sometimes it's all in the presentation, other times, it's the potato chips!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
The park starting getting full of playgroups and preschools so we went to the Museum of Science & History. They still have the dinosaur exhibit and a new play area for the little ones. It is not as easy as when they could be pushed around in a stroller! I noticed throughout the day that Alexa has a new phrase. Whenever I would say it was time to go to another area, or time to get in the car, etc. Alexa would turn to me and say "Not Yet!". Sometimes she would even put her hand up as she said it. I am not sure where she got the phrase, but it is so funny. She is very serious and uses it alot! Tristan gets distracted alot, so his phrase for the day was "wait for me!"
I had to drop off something at Greta's office so we brought her lunch then went over to the mall. We were going to try to make it to the indoor playground, but by the time we had lunch and picked up a couple things at Sears it was time to go get Hunter. I guess we will do it another day!
They are growing like weeds! Alexa is now wearing size 4 slim pants! Most size 3 are too short. Regular size 4 is too wide, even with the adjustable waist bands, but the 4 slim are perfect for her. Tristan seems to still be able to wear most of his 3T pants. I couldn't find 4 slim for him to try. He seems to have a longer body and shorter legs, whereas Alexa has really long legs. They wear size 3 & some size 4 tops. It depends on the brand I think. Some Size 4 are almost big enough for Hunter! Alexa is in a size 4 dress. The size 3 are too short. Alexa has moved up to a size 81/2 shoe. It seemed like she was stuck in size 7 all summer then had a growth spurt! Tristan is in 81/2-9 WIDE. If it isn't wide it won't fit. I am glad I bought alot of winter clothes and shoes ahead last year. I try to do that whenever I find a clearance sale. It sure helps! Hunter is in size 6 clothes all around and wears 11 1/2-12 size shoes. I have bought ahead for him too. I have been getting out their winter things and their closets are full!
Tristan is still lazy about the potty training thing, but Alexa is in big girl panties all the time now! I still use a pull up at night because she is a hard sleeper and doesn't always stay dry at night. Tristan isn't even trying. I have to remind him constantly and even then he is usually already wet. I was warned he would take longer. I am sure he will catch on eventually. Some progress is better than none!
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Hunter has been doing super in school. He gets a horse shoe each day if he has behaved and has done his work. He only missed one day in three weeks! I am classroom Mom. I am not good at placating egos and dealing with the mini mommy dramas, but I am hanging in there!
Alexa seems to be so content to play on her own, whereas Tristan can't stand to be alone. He even blocks her bedroom door when she tries to go play by herself to get away from him. And they are learning the art of blaming each other for everything.
Chad learned how to handle a crisis despite being panicked.. the other day Tristan wedged his arm into a very small space at the base of his entertainment center in his room. Somehow a small ball got in there and he wanted to get it out! I was picking Hunter up from school. Chad had to unscrew the base plate to get his arm out. I got home to the crisis being over and Tristan on the couch with an ice pack. His arm wasn't broken, just sore. He rebounded fast and was back to running around in no time!
I haven't taken many pictures lately either, so I will try to catch up on that too!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
We met Kierra's biological father and his new wife yesterday so they could meet the twins. It has been about 10 years since I have seen him. The last time Kierra was just a teenager and had wanted to meet him. I realized I still held alot of anger & resentment toward him then.
Kierra broke off communication with him for her own reasons several years ago. He wasn't aware the twins existed until his mom tracked him down to let him know Kierra had died. He recently got married and they were coming to Florida for a vacation. I wondered how I would feel now, how I would react.
Brian went with me and we met at a Mcdonald's with a playground so the kids could run around. It was odd. I didn't feel anything. No anger, no sadness, no anything. The only connection we had died with Kierra. I don't feel any connection between him & the twins. He hasn't been any part of their lives. Brian is their Papa. It kind of felt good to not feel anything. There is nothing left between us. He remembered people and places I hadn't thought about in so long. I have been Brian's wife and living such a different life for so long that I barely remember a life before.
Another demon dealt with.. and it wasn't such a big deal after all!
Monday, October 08, 2007
It is like the start of the "Season of Sorrow" for me. So many memories, and the anniversary of her death coming up. I try so hard to put a positive twist to things, and I manage to pull it off most of the time. Keeping too busy to let it drag me down. But it manages to drown me anyway.
So bear with me, and know this too shall pass! Won't it?
Brian got cards for the kids to sign on my birthday. When I got back from Taking Hunter to school Alexa ran to me saying "happy birthday! Happy Birthday to you!" It was too cute.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDON: to forgive one's enemies
Sounds simple enough doesn't it? Yet it isn't so simple for me. I can't seem to flip that switch on an old issue that I have dealt with most of my life. I know all the old addages about forgiveness and letting things go. It isn't one thing that caused the issue. It is a lifetime of things. I have tried to resolve how I feel. I just can't do it. I don't expect anyone to agree with me or understand how I feel. Just respect that they are MY feelings. Pretty vague, isn't it? It is family stuff and very personal stuff and I won't air it here. Just venting and letting you all know my head is in a funk right now. Not just from this.. life is what it is.. and some times it is... gray.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
We had great weather and three great rides. The horses were in good moods and there were no mishaps. Who could ask for anything more?! We got back into town in time to meet Terri, Dwight & the kids at the Shrine Circus Sunday night. It was fun to see the twin's reaction to their first circus. Terri's brother Chris, his daughter and her friend, Brianne, Justin, his sister-in-law, and her 2 daughters all went too, so the kids had lots of laps to sit on and lots of circus food to try. It wasn't a big circus, but it was a good show. I have to get the pix from Brenda that she took for me and I will put them in the photo gallery for everyone to see.
Monday, September 17, 2007
A big THANK YOU to my sis-in-law, Lisa, for finding the graphics for the kid's pirate day t-shirts. I am ironing on 19 of them as we speak, (ok, type). A big THANK YOU to my sister, Cricket, for helping me get the darn thing reversed. I know it is normally an easy process, trust me, it was a pain in the ---! But it is almost done so I can take them in tomorrow for my afternoon to VOLUNTEER, so they can wear them Wednesday. Oh, I almost forgot.. I VOLUNTEERED to co-chair as zone captain for JACKPOTT in St. Augustine!
I put myself on a see-saw about being a selfish person, yet I don't think I live a selfish life. I want what I want, but I try to give back and do for others too. I asked a friend about it and she said I go from one extreme to the other. I doubt I will ever understand my own psyche, and I am not sure which comes first.. the things I do for the kids, school, different groups, friends, family, etc. or the things I do for myself.. the horses and, now again, kayaking. I run myself to a frazzle, rejuice my psyche for a weekend, then jump right back in. Or I indulge in my pleasures, then run myself to death to rid my guilt.. use the weekend rejuicers, then do it all again.. hmmm, perhaps a bit of both? I don't even know if it matters.. just one more thing on my mind in the middle of the night!
Friday, September 14, 2007
I call this mood Lady Gray
Blue is much too bright to be
The way I feel these days
Blue is sky,
Blue is sea
Gray is nothing
just like me.
I think of how it used to be
and it sure gives me the grays...
This is the only part of the song I have remembered for almost 28 years now. I have her debut album and this chorus has run through my head so many times. It seems to fit my mood lately.
Lots going on, just not in the mood to blog about it. I go through the motions and do the things I am supposed to do. I'll try to be more upbeat before I blog again!