Tuesday, February 09, 2010

A Hard Habit to Break..

I just commented on Facebook about the saying "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" & that my road was paved to hell & back! That covers alot of ground for me. I had intentions to get back to blogging, I have not done so well with that. I am not sure why. I do not intentionally avoid it, but it never seems to get to the top of my to-do list.
I try to help others in whatever way I can. I try to fix things when someone needs me too. I tend to do it wether I am asked to or not. Therein lies the flaw of being a habitual "fixer"! The other end of that is when I so desperately want to help & either that person won't let me or there isn't anything I can do to help. I get burnt out, or emotionally drained sometimes, & yet I turn right around & do it again. It is who I am, it is what I do. It makes me feel I have a purpose, that I can do good, therefore I am good.. AHA! A lightbulb moment.. the eternal quest to be "good". To have approval from the ones you love & care about.
So why do I end up feeling bad if I can't help, or if my "helping" doesn't fix the problem? Why do I let it matter so much? I am not content to just try. Even with the best of intentions sometimes "helping" just turns things into a bigger mess. Or something that seems like a small task turns into a huge undertaking.
And I, of course, rarely ask for help from others. I think I am Wonder Woman & can do anything & everything all by myself. I can tell myself I am not, but damned if I don't put on that mask & keep on doing it. It isn't always a bad thing. It is an integral part of who I am. I don't know that I would want to be any other way. I have made a concerted effort, at times, to stop caring too much, to stop being the fixer. It doesn't last long. It is how I live, how I love, how I care for the people in my life.
It has been known to encompass strangers as well. I see someone in need & I am compelled to help. I don't need reciprocation. I don't need recognition or acknowledgment. It somehow feeds my inner being. It is what it is. I use that alot, but it is the simple truth. So even when it goes awry, I continue to try. As I will tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.
My life is a constant work in progress. I have always found it easier to clean someone else's house rather than my own. I think the same goes for helping others solve the problems in their lives.. when my own seem too difficult, or out of my control I can always find some satisfaction helping someone else.