Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Bri & Keeley June 26, 2007

Bri & Keeley June 26, 2007
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Speaking of rescuing!

Brianne went to the ranch with me this weekend. It was good to have some time with her. It was too hot to ride in the afternoons, so we rode in the morning, then watched movies and hung out in the afternoons. We don't get to do that very often. She got to ride one of her favorite horses and I rode my boy, Barney.
On the way home we could not resist stopping at a small humane society. I have passed it a dozen times and never stopped because I usually go home on Sunday and they are closed. They had a litter of lab/pitt bull puppies and a 2 year old yellow lab named Keeley. She is spayed, housebroken, trained, and has a very sweet nature. She now lives with Brianne. She has a weak hind leg from surgery to repair a gun shot wound, but it doesn't seem to slow her down much. Brianne wanted another dog, but the puppy thing won't work with her & Justin working so much. Keeley has fit right in. I will post a pic as soon as I get it sent from my phone to my pc. I guess the rescuing thing has been passed down to my daughter!

To rescue, or not to rescue..

I have always been a “rescuer".. Of anyone or anything that I thought needed rescuing. In ways both small & great the people around me make my life better. I often wish I could wave a magic wand and make things better for the people I love. Better jobs, better partners, better children, better lives.. better everything. I know I can’t, but that does not change the wishing.
I do the same with my children. That is not always a good thing. I want them to be independent, yet I want to save them the struggles I went through when I was young. I also want to protect them from heartache, which is not possible either. I could not save them from the loss of their sister, or the twins the loss of their mother. Life happens wether we want it to or not. I will still try to "rescue" when I can, and realize it is okay when I can't.

Family tree..

I have lived my life as part of a blended family. As have my children, and now my grandchildren. Hunter has the most complicated mix of all, and the twins will have quite a lot of extended family members as well. I don’t see a problem with that. Hunter’s biological brother and sister, Cody & Katie, were visiting Greta & Randy for a couple weeks. They spent some time with us too. There are many similarities, and many differences. Hunter has asked questions about whose tummy he grew in, and how he is connected to Nana & Pop-Pop when Brianne & Chad call them Aunt & Uncle. I have given him the basic truths and will explain in more detail as he asks more questions and can understand. I want him to know who he is and where he came from. I want the same for the twins. Above & beyond everything I want for them, I want to do what is best for them. That is part of every decision I make. That does not always make things easy.
Feeling the way I do it is hard for me to understand how some people do not put their children’s best interest first. I watch these people and the heartache it causes their families when they don’t know what to do or how they can help them. Some where in almost every family there is one or more dysfunctional members who keep every one else in turmoil. If you are lucky, you don’t have any of those family nuts in your family tree, or you have learned to keep them at a distance. It is a work in progress for me!

Powers that be..

The powers that be in the internet world would not let me post anything from out of town. No matter how I tried, it just would not post. So I wrote up some drafts and will post them in the next day or so. Sorry for the break in blogging!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Crew 6-19-07

The Crew 6-19-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana
Tristan, Alexa, Katie, Hunter, & Cody. Impossible to get them all to sit still and smile at the same time! They were waiting for "movie night" to start. We watched Cinderella III and then the twins went to bed & the "big kids" got to watch The Fantastic Four. I had little theatre type boxes for the popcorn & everything. Listen.. hear that? You don't hear anything?? Me either! They are all asleep!!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Done with Disney!

Friday night Greta and I took Cody, Katie, & Hunter to Disney for the weekend. Call us crazy, but they had never been together and Greta wanted to share that with them. It wasn't bad. The rain stayed away, and the lines weren't as bad as we thought they would be. Over 12 hours at the Magic Kingdom was more than enough to last me a good long while! Sunday we swam in the hotel pool, shopped at Downtown Disney and then headed home. Quite a full weekend. Alot of good memories for the kids, and that is what it was all about!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

The power of words..

There are some words I just can't stand. "Hate" is one of them. Now I will say I hate okra, or I hate the sound of nails on a chalkboard. But I don't often say I "hate" a person. It is a strong, emotional word for me. I believe to hate someone you need to really know them, even love them, wether it is a relative or a relationship. There is only one person I feel I truly "hate", maybe two. Would you be suprised to know it isn't Ghazi, the man involved in Kierra's death? I don't know him well enough to "hate" him. I despise him, I wish he had never been born, but I can't say I "hate" him. There are stronger emotions than hate for me. I connect hate with disconnecting myself from that person. So I think you have to be connected to disconnect.
What started this for me today was when Cody said " I hate you" to Hunter when they were arguing about a toy. I explained to him that I don't care for that word when directed at someone else. That hate was a strong word for an argument over a toy. Cody & Katie are not allowed to say "butt", yet he says "hate" without hesitation. I hope he thinks twice before using it again, and it made me think about the power of words..

Rained out..or Rained in?

We made plans to go to the zoo yesterday. Katie & Cody are down from Georgia, so I was taking the kids out for some fun & exercise. It rained the minute I got them all in the car! So we went to the MOSH instead (Museum Of Science & History). They have a dinosaur and ice age animal exhibit. Of course every summer camp in town, that had also planned to go to the zoo, decided to go to MOSH too. It was crowded and loud. We saw a movie on a domed ceiling about a cat that takes a trip to the moon, we saw recreations of all kinds of animals, complete with sounds, and we saw items from different periods of time. Alexa & Tristan spent the whole time with the dinosaurs covering their ears. There were alot of interactive things the kids didn't get to do because it was so crowded. And they have some outdoor areas as well that we missed because of the rain. I bought a membership for just a little more than it would have cost for the 6 of us for just one day, so maybe we will go back next week. They are also part of a nationwide network, so the membership is good all over the state and U.S. as well. Our zoo membership is like that too. Just a couple ways I am trying to keep them busy and myself sane for the summer!

Monday, June 11, 2007

I Feel Like the Rain..

IT RAINED TODAY It rolled in on cottony clouds gone gray with churning overflowing onto the earth where dry dirt lay yearning droplets poured down window panes like thousands of tear drops falling as thunder hammered overhead demanding answers to it's calling just as quickly as it came it halted it's descent sun streaking across it's path steam telling where it went how deceptive the sun seems now after torrents of rain were here just moments before the sun shone down and dried away the tears..

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Kierra's babies on her birthday

June 9 2007
Originally uploaded by mommanana
How I wish I could breathe in their joy & zest for life.

Pirate Hunter 06 08 07

Pirate Hunter 06 08 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Saturday, June 09, 2007

I know you care..

I appreciate everyone caring about me and worrying about me. I can't say getting through Kierra's birthday will be easy, but I will get through it. I don't need to be "rescued" or "watched/ babysat". Yes, I am depressed, but I am not suicidal. I appreciate those who want to try to comfort me, but usually that means sharing your grief and I feel like I have to make you feel better, which I just don't have the energy for today. Any other day I can handle almost anything, but this is not "any other day". So.. know I appreciate how much you all care.. just knowing that you are there helps me. I will not take off for parts unknown, I will not do anything stupid. I will most likely stay home and have a quiet day with my family. I will blog if the mood strikes me, and I will be back in touch with you all on Sunday.


The past few months I have been avoiding going to Kierra's crash site. I put up a memorial sign and birthday balloons last night (tonight.. haven't gone to bed). I can't talk to her there anymore. I don't feel connected to her there or maybe I don't want to feel connected to her there. I feel connected to her when I hold her children, or I hold her "Bunky". I feel devastated and so angry there, and I don't want to feel that way when I think of her. I lost her there, and I wasn't there when she needed me.. I don't want to be there now.

Hunter has become a pirate!

Hunter has been at "Auntie Terri's" all week going to Pirate Camp. It has been wierd not having him home. He says Camp is awesome and he has been having a blast. He climbed the St. Augustine light house, discovered pieces of "8", met pirates, and is becoming quite the buccaneer! He will come home Sunday.. I miss him!

Lost again!

The other night the twins were very rambuncious and not in the mood to settle down. So I decided we would take a walk around the block. It was about 8:15 when we started out. I thought it was just like any other neighborhood. It was about 20 minutes later when I realized we seemed to be going around the lake, not the block. I called the house and had Chad flip the back porch light on & off so I could get my bearings. There are very few street lights, so other than some house lights it was pretty dark. I saw the light go off & on... accross the lake from where we were! It turns out "the block" is a very loooong block.. about 1.1 miles! Tristan & Alexa did well and walked the whole way. They went straight to bed and went right to sleep when we got back! At 3 year old speed it took us about 45 minutes. So even in my own neighborhood, I got lost walking around the block!

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Long nights..

I had a dream the other morning. Not so unusual to have a dream, but it was unusual the way it intertwined with reality, and picked back up again when I went back to sleep.

I didn’t go to bed until 4:48 am. The dream was actually a memory. A summer trip to Florida when Chad was 10 months old, Brianne was almost 3, and Kierra had just turned 6. I had taken them to the beach. Kierra was splashing in the surf while Brianne sat on the edge of the water and giggled every time it washed over her legs. Chad sat in the sand grabbing handfuls of it and throwing it in the air. The sun was warm and bright. I thought I heard a child calling me, and when I look down the beach it is empty except for 3 small shapes in the distance. I can hear the faint call of a child. I look at my 3 children around me as they laugh and play. For a moment the sun shines so bright I am blinded and when I look again my children look farther away than they were, and the 3 small shapes in the distance seem closer. They are still calling to me, more urgently now.

Tristan woke me up at 5:23 am. I put him back to bed. I go back to bed and the dream continues.

I try to move closer to Kierra, Brianne, & Chad, but the sand keeps slipping from under me. I call to them, but they don’t seem to hear me as they keep playing. I look down the beach again and see the other children coming closer. They are reaching out to me. I am torn. I don’t want to move forward, but I am unable to go back. The new faces before me look familiar. I see familiar eyes looking back at me. The sun flashes again and I know who they are, I know where I am, and as I look back I know the children who were playing there a moment ago will be gone.

Tristan woke me up again at 5:49 am. He wanted a drink. I got him some water and tucked him back in. I went back to bed. The dream came right back.

The beach is empty except for Hunter, Tristan, Alexa, & I. We keep walking up and down the beach. I am looking and waiting for my other children to come back. It is starting to get dark, and then it starts to get cold. I can’t wait any longer. We had to leave.

Brian woke me up about 6:15-6:30. I was not just physically wiped out, the emotion of the dream woke up with me. I do not always remember my dreams, and I don’t often keep dreaming the same dream when I wake up then go back to sleep. I know this dream is full of symbolism, and I know part of the reason for the dream is that Kierra’s birthday is coming soon. It will be a long week, and I think the nights will be even longer…

Paying for my impatience!

The other day I went to the plaza near our house to pick up pizza for the kids. It wasn't ready yet, so I thought I would look around the plaza. I had been wearing a headband on my hair for a few days and most of you know that means it is time for a haircut. Rather than wait and go to one of the 2 guys I trust to cut my hair, I decided what the heck and went into a "Great Clips" to get it cut. I pointed to a photo on the wall and said that is about what I want.. layer and shape the top, leave some of the length. It is butchered! First off it was not even on both sides and so it had to go even shorter to try to even it out. The left side is choppy, and it is VERY short. I can't recall it ever being this short. I have gotten the sides short before, but usually try to leave length on the top when I do. Mousse won't even help because there isn't enough hair for it to do anything. So I am paying for my impatience with horrible hair! Good thing it will grow out.. eventually!

Of course I am different, changed..

I have been told that I have changed, that I am different. How does someone go through something so major, so tragic and not change? And how have I changed, specifically? I feel different, but can't pin point the exact changes. Raising the twins has changed my life, but how has it changed me? I am busier, I am less organized, but I am still me. I don't always feel like I know myself anymore. I don't know who I am supposed to be, or how to live this life. I have tried to keep the relationships I had before. I feel like some people have distanced themselves, or is it me who has pulled away? I have been bothered by some people thinking Kierra's death gave them a clean slate, as if transgressions were forgotten, or forgiven because she died. I am not, nor have I been, a forgiving person. If I was mad at you before, chances are, I am still mad at you. I have never been a patient person. I am still not a patient person. I love who I love and care deeply for those I care deeply for. If my changes are hard for people to accept, trust me, my life is hard to accept every moment of every day.

Coincidence or Communication?

I am a yo-yo. Now quit laughing... what I mean by that is.. I keep bouncing back and forth on what I believe. Hunter will ask me if things are real.. Santa, God, heaven.. I tell him some people believe in them and some people don't. I tell him if he believes in it, then for him it is real. There are times I believe that certain things are "signs" from Kierra, or others who have died. Then there are times I am not so sure. Are songs on the radio just songs on the radio? The day Kierra died Mada's song came on several times.. I would change the station, and it would come on that station, so I changed it again, and the song came on again. Lisa and I even talked about it when it happened. Coincidence, or Communication?
I sometimes think I "feel" Kierra with me. Is it real, or wishful thinking? We have had baby dragonflies at the new house, I have never seen babies before. It made me think of her. But then again, alot of things make me think of her. The wind blew through the trees this morning while I was riding my horse through the woods. It made me cry. Just for a second it sounded like a whisper, I closed my eyes and her face was so clear in my mind. She smiled and I could almost feel her cheek against mine. It was so sudden and unexpected it caught me by suprise. Is my grief so strong that my mind plays tricks on me? Or do I believe she was really there, in that moment? These questions don't really require answers. They are just the rambling of my thoughts. Is my need to believe so strong that my mind provides those moments to convince me? It is better to believe the uncertain, than to accept the certainty that she is gone, will never again be with me, and there is nothing more to it than that.
I am not sure of anything. I do not know what my mind is going to do at any given time. That uncertainty, that loss of control is not a comfortable feeling. There have been times before Kierra's death that I was sure I had signs from people I loved who had died. So why am I not so sure now? I think I am so eager to regain some type of normalcy, some type of control that I need "real", I need certainty. But I want that possibility, I want those moments. Yet I want to know I haven't lost my mind, that I haven't let my grief take over. How do I know the difference?

Friday, June 01, 2007

Slow but sure..

I spent the better part of yesterday (Wednesday) at the Beckley house getting things organized, packed, and out of Sam's way. It is a good feeling to be making headway at last. I have had to do it in bits & pieces and usually by myself. Sam is great motivation for me. It is amazing how much stuff was/is still there. If we have lived without it for this long, do we really need it? Most of it belongs to Brian & I. I noticed when we moved into the rental, then into the new house, that I worried more about the kid's things and the basic necessities. It didn't seem like much, but now that it is in boxes and I have to figure out where to put it.. it is alot! And there is still about 50% of the garage to move, including kayaks. I do see light at the end of the tunnel, which is a good thing.
I spent quite a while scraping wallpaper border from Hunter's room. I thought about all the different colors and themes that room has been Brianne had butterflies at one point, and Tinkerbell before she moved to her own place. Kierra had pixie dust and faeries. It was a victorian guest room for a short time, and ended with Hunter's hot wheels. I scraped while Sam patched and prepped for painting, erasing our imprint.
I will carry my memories as long as my mind will let me, yet it still felt odd to watch what has been our home for almost seven years become a generic shell for someone else to mold and change. I liked the house well enough, but I never felt it would be a forever home for us. Our new house felt more like it was ours the moment I saw it than the Beckley house ever did. It seemed like it was always a transition house for us. Alot like all the military moves we did and all the different places we lived.
I am hoping to never move again. They will have to push me out in a wheelchair or gurney to get me out of here!