Thursday, February 18, 2016

Polar Express 2016

This is my family. The part of my heart I will always fight to protect.

Emotional F.U.B.A.R.

There are so many things scrambling around in my head. Do I go back & retrace my steps to catch up this blog, or do I forge ahead & take jaunts back to specific moments as they become pertinent to what I have to say? As I usually do, I will start "talking" and see what comes.
I have been in a fog of sorts since Thanksgiving. I would normally blame it on my "season of discontent" but this time it was emotional blindsides that did me in. This is where I am unsure how much background to get into.. if you don't know the details, this may not make as much sense to you. I guess if you have any questions, please comment or ask me.
I have an older brother in prison. Roy Glover was sentenced to 15 years in September 2013 for stabbing my Dad in December 2012. He was supposed to be eligible for parole in 4 years. The night before Thanksgiving we found out he had a parole hearing the following Thursday. Due to a transfer glitch we were not notified and they did not have any of his criminal history. He was considered a low risk inmate & due to overcrowding he qualified for what they called Governor's Leniency. I dropped everything else and attended that hearing. I also supplied them with a full criminal & psychological background. His parole was denied. He will have another parole hearing in December 2018. He is now in maximum security. Sucks to be him. Dealing with that dredged up a lot of emotional stuff I had locked away in a dark hole and had hoped I would never have to deal with again. I have been in therapy on a regular basis for 12 years. I thought I had this under control. After the 13 hour drive to get to the hearing in Nashville on Wednesday I headed back home to Florida after the hearing on Thursday. I ended up stopping just south of Atlanta Thursday night and spent about 2 hours crying non-stop. I cried for my father, I cried for my divided family, I cried for the damaged little girl I will always carry inside of me. My "brother" never loved or protected me. He never stopped others from picking on me or from hurting me. He was the one who hurt me, who abused me repeatedly for years when i was a young child. Some people have nightmares of things they are afraid will happen. My nightmares are reliving things that did happen.
Thankfully he went to live with our biological father when i was about 12 yrs old and had little contact after that. I had to spend time with him on various visits or events over the years, but I learned to never be alone with him & kept my distance. As an adult I completely disconnected from him. My children never knew him. My oldest saw him when she was 2 yrs old for about 5 minutes. I never let him get any where near her & she never saw him again. Dealing with his parole hearing on December 3rd was such an emotional whirlwind.
I had not processed my emotions from that encounter when we received the news on December 10th that my younger brother had committed suicide. Both of my brothers have had long standing mental health issues. It has been a constant struggle for our family to deal with them and the consequences of their actions. My younger brother had disconnected from our family a year before his death. I can say it was my expectation that at some point he would take his own life. I can admit that in some ways it was a relief that he could not cause anymore pain to others or to himself. It was also a relief that he would no longer be chased by his demons. I cannot describe the mixture of guilt, grief, and even the relief of his passing. A death is a loss. I have experienced too much loss already. My grief is not just for my younger brother. It is for my parents and their advanced age and health concerns. It is for the situation that caused even more division in my already dysfunctional family. Too much to go into here.. at least for the moment.
There are some other issues that added to this emotional F.U.B.A.R. But these were the catalyst to my present fog. I will warn my readers now.. I plan to be honest.. perhaps brutally honest about my life, my feelings, my perceptions of events & experiences. It can be most unpleasant, and not usually a "Warm Fuzzy" kind of sharing. Warm fuzzies do happen from time to time.. but right now I have a lot of muck to wade through first.

Monday, February 08, 2016

Open Wounds..

I am going to start blogging again. For myself, if no one else. I have so much to say, so much built up.. but for now I have this to share..
For my 10th birthday I was in All Children's Hospital in St Petersburg Florida recovering from surgery. According to my medical records I had a cancerous cyst of unknown type. Ruptured membrane excised with surrounding tissue. I have a very visible unusual scar about 5 inches long across my left collarbone.
After surgery the wound was left open. They took daily cultures then figured it was easier to let it heal from the inside out and still be able to access the area until they figured out what it was. They never did figure it out. Every day, numerous times per day, they would come in, pull out the gauze, clean the wound and stuff it with more gauze. They had me in isolation in a room by myself. Every time they pulled out the old gauze it reopened the wound and was extremely painful. It took a long time to heal and left an evident scar.
I have some emotional scars that remind me of that experience. Just when I think the pain is under control and healing has begun the wound is ripped open again, freshly bleeding with a new burst of pain.
I even have that same sense of isolation, of being alone, struggling with my recovery.
I keep thinking each time the gauze is ripped off if I just let it bleed till its done then the wound can heal. Stop trying to pad it, soften the pain. There is an end. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I just have to get there.
I have always felt strongly that you can forgive someone who hurts you, but they do not get a free pass to do it again just because they claim to love you or are related to you. I firmly believe that. It just gives me another person to grieve.
So I will recover, I will heal. I just need to guard my heart for a while longer.