For Brian.. Jes Voux Aime' Beaucoup

I came accross one of many journals I have kept over the years. There were entries from when Brian was deployed with Desert Storm. I had to fly from England to St. Petersburg, FL with the 3 older kiddos who were 11, 8, & 6 at the time. It was a 16 hour series of flights. All I could think of despite all the traveling & chaos was "Brian will be at the other end." That was Oct. 25, 1992. Here are a couple short poems I wrote for him while we were on our way..

On wings of air I am carried to you,
floating amoung clouds so blue.

My pulse quickens, my heart's a flutter,
the words rush out, all in a stutter.

How to express something so deep,
to give you my heart & soul to keep.

You are my life, my precious lover,
come to me now, I want no other.

_________________________________________

The ache..
so deep
so pure
It's physical

The need..
so great
so pure
It's physical

The love..
so strong
so pure
It's yours..

mjs 10/25/1992

Don't Make Me Come Up There..

I remember like it was yesterday
Saying the things we always say
Laughs & giggles, time for bed
Hearing noises over my head

Don’t make me come up there
I’m counting to three
Don’t make me come up there
I will, you wait & see

You stomping up the stairs
Slamming doors without a care
Wishing you would lose that frown
Hoping you would settle down

Don’t make me come up there
I’m counting to three
Don’t make me come up there
I will, you wait & see

Watching you sprout your wings
Packing up all your things
Going out on your own
Living so far from home

Don’t make me come up there
I’m counting to three
Don’t make me come up there
I will, you wait & see

Wish you were still up in your room
Your life ended way too soon
I remember like it was yesterday
Heaven is just too far away

Don’t make me come up there
I’m counting to three
Don’t make me come up there
I will, you wait & see

Mjs 2/10/11

I CRY

I cry

happily
angrily
sadly

I cry

softly
loudly
quietly

I cry

joyfully
painfully
hormonally

I cry


7.17.09 mjs

These Days..

These days.. life goes on
rambling with a mind of it's own
pulling me with it, like it or not
never caring where I'm thrown.

These days.. life goes on
with or without my consent
pulling me with it, like it or not
never caring if I'm spent.

These days.. life goes on
and I see more of the light
pulling me with it, like it or not
giving me back my sight.

These days.. life goes on
and it's music to my ears
pulling me with it, like it or not
as laughter drowns out my fears.

These days.. life goes on
knowing I'll never forget
pulling me with it, like it or not
I'm not done living yet.

MJS 7.2.09

There are Times...

There are times I can sweetly dream,
& you are right here with me.
There are times I can wake at dawn,
& relive when your life left me.
**********************************
There are times I can see the sun,
& it pushes the dark away.
There are times I can feel happy,
& it keeps the grief at bay.
**********************************
There are times I can move on,
& live the life before me.

Then there are the times......I cannot.

mjs 6.12.09

Is That You?

Is that you
in my dreams as I sleep?
Is that you
watching me as I weep?

Is that you
playing a song just for me?
Is that you
in every dragonfly I see?

Wherever I go
In whatever I do
I think it is..
Is that you?

mjs 2.13.09

Right in Front of Me..

Songs play on the radio,
Images flash on the TV,
Everywhere I turn, it seems,
You're right in front of me.
----------------------------------
I can hope there will come a time
when this all gets easier to do,
yet deep inside my heart I know,
I'll never get over losing you.
---------------------------------
Some say you are in a better place,
that doesn't ring true for me.
Better than here with your babies
is something I just can't see.
----------------------------------
We can't go back, this I know.
We can't undo what has been done.
So we try our best to nurture
the lives you'd just begun.
----------------------------------
They smile your smile
and it's so easy to see,
every time I look at them
you're right in front of me..
----------------------------
mjs started 11.3.08
finished 12.18.08

Luck O' the Irish/ Happy St. Patty's Day

Do you think, in the days of old,
they chased after the "pot of gold"?
Did they believe, as some still do
Leprechauns dance unseen by you?
___________________________
Luck o' the Irish, send some my way
my luck isn't better than any other day!
I'll kiss a stone, I'll dance a jig
I'll even roast the fatted pig!
___________________________________
With corn beef & cabbage we'll have to make do
til some other day our wishes come true.
A hungry man's treasure some say that may be,
but it doesn't match chasing rainbows for me!
_____________________________
Chase me a rainbow to the other end,
eye the pot those "little people" tend.
A true Darby O'Gill I'll finally be,
and at last the Leprechaun I'll see!
___________
mjs 3-17-08

The Same?

Is today just like any other day?
Is today just like yesterday?
So much the same, not much has changed.
So much the same, just rearranged.
__________________________
Yet nothing’s the same, or is it?
Is this my life, or just a visit..
to another world that seems like mine
But in this one things are far from “fine”
_____________________________
The truth lies beneath what can be seen
In another place most have never been.
It isn't a world of our own making,
It isn’t a trip I'd recommend taking.
_______________________________
We do what we can with what we are dealt,
Trying not to show what is so often felt.
Each of us puts on our happy faces,
Making the motions and going places.
_____________________________
Is today just like any other day?
Is today just like yesterday?
Nothing is the same, just rearranged,
Nothing is the same, everything's changed.
_____________________________
MJS started 1.27.07 finished 3.14.08

Just Listen...

The lights are bright on our Christmas tree,
decorations are draped all around.
When all is quiet in the dark of night
I listen yet don't hear a sound.

My mind can hear the laughter
of Christmas's gone by.
My mind can recall the visions
I barely have to try.

Most memories come unheeded
of Christmas around a tree.
With all my children with me
gathered at my knee.

This Christmas we have a different tree
and are making traditions anew.
With your children gathered at my knee
sharing memories of you.

My heart can feel your laughter
from Christmas's gone by.
My heart can feel your presence
I barely have to try.

The lights are bright on our Christmas tree,
decorations are draped all around.
You are with me in the dark of night
I just listen with my heart and you are found.

mjs 12-24-07

I Feel Like the Rain..

IT RAINED TODAY It rolled in on cottony clouds gone gray with churning overflowing onto the earth where dry dirt lay yearning droplets poured down window panes like thousands of tear drops falling as thunder hammered overhead demanding answers to it's calling just as quickly as it came it halted it's descent sun streaking across it's path steam telling where it went how deceptive the sun seems now after torrents of rain were here just moments before the sun shone down and dried away the tears..

The Journey..

I wrote this for my sister, Greta, a few years ago. I have thought about it alot lately. At the time she was going through alot and this came to me in a dream about her. So it is with a bit of Deja Vu that I see myself on this journey now..

THE JOURNEY

I take this journey with uncertain steps,

though sometimes I just want to run!

Never too sure which way to turn,

or where I'll end up when it's done.

_____________________________

I look back thinking we've come so far,

yet the road ahead looks longer.

At times it seems too far to go,

& I wish I were a little younger!

_________________________

Too often I feel I am on my own,

and the weight I carry too great.

Or everyone else is so far ahead,

they can't hear my call to "wait!"

_______________________

How much farther must I go?

Does it matter my body aches?

This can't be the journey meant for me,

it must be some mistake.

_____________________________

Yet in the quiet that comes with night,

when all is said and done,

this journey is what I make of it,

almost over, or just begun..

___________

mjs 9/22/02

You don't really know me..

I am not who I used to be,

I am not who you knew..

You don't really know me,

you just think you do..

_________________

I once was a woman

with hopes and dreams..

I now am a woman

with life torn at the seams..

_________________

You think I am strong

and I do everything right..

You don't see me crying

in the dark of the night..

_________________

My weakest of moments

come more than you think..

My darkest of moments

take me to the brink..

_________________

I live on the edge

much closer than you know..

I live in a world

alone wherever I go..

_________________

I am not who I used to be

I am not who you knew..

You don't really know me

you just think you do..

I close my eyes..

I see so clearly the tiniest of hands,

reaching out to grasp my finger,

the smoothest of skin,

the silkiest of fuzz for hair.. I close my eyes

______________________________

I see so clearly the prettiest of smiles,

filling her face from ear to ear,

eyes twinkling with excitement,

eager to start her first day of school.. I close my eyes

_____________________________________

I see so clearly the brightest of stars,

shining on the stage,

her 1st dance recital,

she was beauty and grace.. I close my eyes

______________________________

I see so clearly the best of cheerleaders,

on the JV squad,

laughing with her friends,

making the most of high school.. I close my eyes

__________________________________

I see so clearly the strongest of women,

carrying twins to the healthiest birth,

to give them the best chance at life,

her proudest moment.. I close my eyes

___________________________

I see so clearly the truest of hearts,

tears choking him as he tells of her death,

a father's love torn from his life,

so senseless, so tragic.. I close my eyes

___________________________

I see so clearly the loveliest of faces,

so real I reach out to touch her cheek,

a thousand memories flood my mind,

from first heartbeat to last.. I close my eyes

I see..

I see a Mother..

learning about the child within,

yearning for the life about to begin.

I see a Mother..

knowing this love is like no other,

growing from a woman to a mother.

I see a Mother..

trying to face the worst of her fears,

crying her unconsolable tears.

I see.. myself.

One more day...

What I wouldn't give.. what I wouldn't say..

just to be given.. one more day.

There wasn't enough time.. or any other way..

to keep you here with me.. one more day..

an unfinished poem.. for an unfinished life..