Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Reaching for the Sun!!

I unexpectedly started a part time job on the 7th of June. It was a job that I had been approached about before but it never panned out. I went in on the 7th to discuss it & ended up working! It was supposed to be a few hours a couple days a week. Thank goodness I had already signed the kids up for 3 full days of camp each week for the summer. I now work 3 full days each week & will most likely go to full time as soon as school starts back the end of August. I am an office manager/gal Friday for an owner of 2 companies, an automotive shop & a foam insulation company. Although he has been doing this for years, they both are small busineses with alot of growth potential. I am pretty much my own boss, which is a good thing :), and I am allowed alot of freedom & creativity with organizing things, marketing, & advertising. I am really enjoying it!
I have not worked a professional job in 6 1/2 years. I know the kids "need" me, but it hasn't fed me intellectually. I cannot find the words to describe the satisfaction I have gotten from this job. Tasks that I find to be simple & easy to accomplish are accepted as manna from Heaven at this job. Abilities that I find almost effortless are praised and appreciated. My ideas are eagerly talked about & given credence. I have not felt this productive & valued in a very long time.
I know Brian & the kids appreciate what I do, but it is almost by rote. I am using parts of my brain that have lain dormant for far too long! Of course I come home to the same chores & needs from my family that I have done for those 6 1/2 years prior to now. But I have such a greater desire to get things done & prepare to greet a new day, a new challenge, a new life outside of these walls. I think the kids, Brian, & I will all reap the rewards of this new adventure/endeavor.
I undersold myself initially, but have already discussed ammending the terms of my employment.. at his request. I know there will be days when I may not love it so much, but right now it is nectar to me. This part of me has been in limbo far to long. I feel like a blossom springing forth from hard, dry soil that someone has watered and fertilized at long last. My petals are reaching out to the sun & I am ready to bloom!

Monday, June 07, 2010

Hard To Believe...

Hard to believe it has been over a month since I last posted.. I think Facebook is my mini blog! Hard to believe Chad is in Hawaii & has been gone with the Army for almost a year & a half. Hard to believe Brianne & Justin just celebrated their 5th wedding anniversary on the 4th! Hard to believe the twin's have completed kindergarten & will be in 1st grade this fall! Hard to believe Hunter will be in the double digits (10) when he has his birthday this year! Hard to believe I worked at a real job for the first time in 6 years today!
Even harder to believe Wednesday would be Kierra's 29th birthday. I can't help but think of it. So much is going on, things seem to fly by with the speed of light, yet when I think of her birth, her death, things seem to move in slow motion. I feel cheated that I can't think of the first without the last. I can't revisit the joy of her birth, of her life, without the pain of her death following so close behind.
This is life without Kierra. It isn't easier, we have just learned to cope better. I shared with someone else who was grieving recently that we have to allow ourselves the bad days that come. We have to allow ourselves the moments that break our hearts all over again... like when I am dreaming of her & the alarm goes off.. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter to hold onto her just a second longer rather than open them & lose her again. Like when one of her children laughs out loud with their face full of her smile & I have to choke back the tears as she looks out of their faces.
I am thinking of releasing some clear ballons with little messages to her on Wednesday afternoon.. Hunter has an appt. with his therapist in Ponte Vedra, it is close to the beach. The clear ballons are because the sea turtles think popped colored ballons are jellyfish & eat them, they suffocate from them & die.. Kie wouldn't like that. It's that kind of little thing that pops into my mind unexpectedly, but that's OK. She was part of my life before she was born, & she will be until I take my last breath. Life without her.. hard to believe..