Monday, August 31, 2009

My War with Words..

It has been odd, but I have not been able to blog. I have sat here several times without being able to type a single word. Other times I would type then delete. I am not sure even now what I have to say.
Words will not change the past few weeks. They can not change the grief & pain of those I love. I went to St. Pete & sat with my friend, Debbie for 2 nights & almost 3 days. She was in ICU until the morning of August 25th when she died there. I was not able to get back down there & words can't change that for me.
I was driving home from St. Pete. the night of Aug. 18th when 10 minutes from home I fell asleep at the wheel & wrecked my car. I woke up in time to avoid hitting a telephone pole, but hit a cement culvert instead. I am fine, my car is not. It isn't totalled but will be out of commision for at least another 2-3 weeks. I bruised my face on the steering wheel, but truly am okay & was very fortunate to walk away. The only casualty was a pigmy rattle snake I dragged under my car & decapitated. (The insurance guy found it under my car when he did the estimate.. wish I could have seen his face & heard those words!)
Randy went into the final stages of his life and was admitted to a hospice facility Sunday the 23rd of August.. Mada's day.. I had taken the kids to Disney with Terry M. for a last day of summer fun before they started school on the 24th. All I could think of was that I could not be out of town (on a Sunday as well) when someone else I loved died! That was a selfish thought but it was present throughout my day. Words could not calm that fear.
Late Monday night I went to be with Greta & Randy at the Hospice facility. He was in a state of coma/sleep that he did not wake from. I stayed until about 4 am in the early hours of Tuesday morning. I had just left to go home when I got the call that Debbie was gone. Her family had held out hope until the very end. There were some very hard decisions that they had to make & despite all their efforts she just couldn't fight anymore. I wish there were something I could say that would ease their pain. But I know from experience that words are hollow when your heart is breaking. Words can not change that she is gone from their lives.
I got home & crawled into my bed about 5 am. My phone was on vibrate so I did not get the call from Greta that Randy had died at about 6:10 am. She finally called Terry M. & I got the call as I was getting the kids out the door to school. I was already grieving for Deb, so wasn't suprised that I felt numb at the news. It took me a while to let my grief for Randy come.. I jumped into my day & tried to hold it at bay. I wasn't very successful & it won out. Grief has a way of doing that. Words don't make it any less persistent.
Randy's Memorial Service was this past Saturday, the 29th of August. He will have another one up in North Carolina next Sunday, September 6th. It has been hard to watch my sister watch her husband die. To watch her make all the arrangements for the end of his life. It is harder still to watch the pain of her grief. I can't say I know how she feels, because although I know the pain of grief intimately, I do not know her pain. But I can hurt for her & feel so utterly helpless to ease that devestating strike of lightening each time she is reminded that he is gone. I had not been to their home since his death until yesterday. Chad came home for the service & wanted to say goodbye before his flight back. Chad was joking around with Greta in the front yard so I ran into the house to grab my camera. As I ran in I yelled.. "Hey Randy.. you've got to see this pic..." and it struck me what I had said, & that he wasn't there. Why does our mind let us do that?? I will never understand how we can be so cruel to ourselves. How the intricate masterpiece that is our brain can let you do that, let that thought even form into words..words that cannot change that he is gone.
Almost 4 years of life without her.. I still do that with Kierra from time to time. The pain is almost as great as the first time it struck me that she was gone. Fall is coming, it used to be my favortie time of year. I brace myself for her favorite, Halloween, to go on without her.. then the anniversary of her death, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then the Twin's birthday. Fall is taken over by my heart's Winter season. My season of numbing my heart from the pain of grief so I can give the kid's the season of celebration that it all should be. Words do not make that any easier.
Obviously my words have not escaped me.. I just wasn't sure how letting them out would feel. I wasn't sure I was up to the battle between my words & my emotions. I may have won the battle this time, but the war wages on!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Enough Already!

I spent the majority of my day today going through files & photos on our old computer. It was full of memories, and emotions. It really wore me out! Funny how something mental can sometimes exhaust you more than physical activity can! Then this evening I found out a dear friend of mine is in the ICU down in St. Petersburg. We met when Kierra was about a year old. I worked at Zayre's & so did she. She ended up being my babysitter & a very dear friend. There were times in our lives she & her family were the only ones I had to turn to. No matter how long it has been or how far apart we have been, coming to see them is like coming home again. Deb has grieved for Kie deeply. She has a strong faith, but knows how painful it has been for me. It has been painful for her too. It seems hard for us to talk about it when we are apart, but when we see each other it is so natural to talk & share both the joy & sorrow of our lives.
I am driven to go to her, She has been ill before, but this feels different. I will hope that she rallies & gets through this. For her, for her family. It doesn't sound good. I will go see her, hold her hand, give her husband a break (he has been there 24hrs a day since she was admitted on the 10th.) & take the time to share ourselves with each other like we have so many times before. I am not ready to let her go, but neither have I been ready for Randy to go either.
An ex brother-in-law of mine passed away the 11th after battling cancer. The husband of a twin's Mom in our group died from Cancer the end of July. A friend of my parent's lost his battle from cancer on the 11th as well.. enough already!!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Happy Birthday to my baby, Brianne!

Bri 1st Birthday
Originally uploaded by mommanana
She turns 25 today! Wow! From this bright eyed baby she has become a remarkable woman. I am so proud to have her as my daughter. I love you baby girl!

I just wish I could fix it..

I thought my grief over Kierra had given me an understanding of death, of loss. I have lost loved ones before, but nothing compares to what her death has done to me. I have been watching what my sister has been going through with her husband & I am not so sure I could handle it. The "knowing" would drive me crazy, as I am sure it is with her.
Randy has had time to see his brothers, sisters, children, friends, & most of his grandchildren. It has given him an opportunity to say things he wanted to say to those he loves.
Yet even with all that, the moment of his death will be just as devestating to those who love him as Kierra's death was to us. No matter how much you think you can "prepare" for death, nothing can prepare you for that moment, no matter how or when it happens.
I tend to be a "fixer". I do what I can to help the ones I love, to fix whatever makes them unhappy. I can't fix this. There is nothing I can do to make it better, easier. That makes dealing with it all the more difficult. I can & I will, but I can't turn off the need to help, to fix it.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Quite the conversation..

Hunter: Mom, are you awake?

Me: Yes Hunter, I am now..

I need to talk to you.

okay, honey, climb up here with me & we'll talk.

No Mom, you have to get up & talk to me in the other room.

come on Hunter, you can talk to me here..

No Mom, we have to talk in the office, it's important.

OK Hunter, let's go talk in the office..

So why are we talking in here Hunter?

I don't want to upset daddy talking about his Dad..Mom, Pop-pop (Randy) has dibeeties like Daddy's Dad did doesn't he?

Yes Hunter, he does.

Pop-pop has to go in the hospital alot like Grampa Shore did too doesn't he?

Yes Hunter, he does.

Pop-pop's kind of sick can't get all better can it?

No sweetie, it can't

How many more times will Pop-pop go to the hospital like Daddy's Dad before he goes to Heaven too?

Pop-pop doesn't want to go into the hopsital anymore, so he will stay at home so he can be there with Nana and visit with everyone.

And he will go to Heaven from his house?

yes, Hunter, probably. That's what he wants.

'cause his body is too tired isn't it Mom?

Yes honey it is.

That was not quite the conversation I expected to have. But Hunter has always been very perceptive & very smart when it comes to what is going on around him. I wish I could have lied...