Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Jodee Messina "Bring on the Rain", Cheryl Ladd "Lady Gray", and now Faith Hill's new song..
Faith Hill Red Umbrella Lyrics
Sometimes life can get a little dark
I'm sure I've got bruises on my heart
Here come the black clouds full of pain
Yeah, you can break away without the chains
Your love is like a red umbrella
Walk the streets like Cinderella
Everyone can see it on my face
(So) let it rain
It's pourin' all around
Let it fall
(No) it ain't gonna drown me
I'm gonna be okay
(So) let it rain(Oh, let it rain)
(Let it fall)(I'm gonna be okay)
(So let it rain)
You can wear your sorrow like an old raincoat
You can save your tears in a bottle made of gold
But the glitter on the sidewalk always shines
Yeah, even God needs to cry sometimes
Your love is like a red umbrella
Always there to make me better
When my broken dreams
Are fallin' from the sky
So Let it rain
It's pourin all around
Let it fall
No, it ain't gonna drown me
I'm gonna be okay
So let it rain, Oh let it rain
Let it fall, I'm gonna be okay
So let it rain
Let it wash my tears away
Tomorrow's another day
so let it rain.....
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I was talking to my mother the other day when I first got sick and she was so... not really patronizing, but too nice. She said she understood why I felt so bad since the anniversary of Kierra's death is coming up. I couldn't seem to convince her it was a stomach bug. Of course it is coming up, and yes, I think about it. But it really doesn't feel worse than any other day right now. I am sure on the day it will. It is more in my face that day. But right now it feels like it does every other day. Because it is always here, that ache, that pain. It doesn't go away and just come back on certain occasions. But if you know me, know how my Mom is, then you understand. At least she isn't explaining me away as being "ill". Well, at least not that I have heard of anyway!
So I will finish up all the goodies I am cooking, feed the horde, and see what else I can get done.
Monday, October 29, 2007
They were waiting to get their picture taken at the doggy Halloween party. Can you tell they are both tired of waiting?! Hunter at 6 years, (almost 7!) and Cali at 5 1/2 months.
We did have a good time despite gray weather and a few sprinkles. Cali got to run with the "big dogs" and socialize a bit. And Hunter got to have some quality fun time. All in all a good day!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
A comment was made to someone when Kierra died.."Will they want to give Hunter back now?"
Such a thought is so ludicrous to me. He is our son. He is our child.
I don' t think about what my life would be without them, other than wondering what it would be like if she were still here.
Yes, I have days when I don't want this to be my life. Yes, I have days when I wonder if I will ever have time with Brian without kids underfoot! But, No, I will not disappear one day and abandon my family, the people I love.
Honestly, haven't we all wondered what a different life would be like? Have you never thought what it would be like to back pack around Europe? To have no responsibilities other than yourself? I am sure the ones who have that wonder what it would like to have a van full of kids and a picket fence. That is human nature. Wondering isn't wanting. Wondering won't have me packing my bags. I want the people I love to live long lives and be happy. I think that is enough of a goal to shoot for. And I plan on being around to help them accomplish it.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
Love ya girl..
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
I must say I am not usually a morning person. Especially at the butt-crack of dawn to whiny children! I have no patience or tolerance that early in the morning. It doesn't help if I have only gotten a couple hours of sleep! On the rare occasion I wake up on my own, which usually only happens on my horse ranch weekends, I think I am generally in a good mood. Not chipper, but not cranky.
So, do we inherit our morning moods? What determines our body's timeclock? Can it be changed? Is there a magic happy pill for cranky morning children?? Ok, I know the likely answer to the last one, but couldn't resist slipping it in there!!
Last Saturday morning I woke up in the hotel room near the horse ranch and realized I was all by myself. It was a bit disappointing that I woke up much earlier than my alarm! I actually had to sit there a few minutes and try to figure out what to do. That may sound strange, but most days I wake up to demanding children. I start my day doing for them, putting anything I want at the bottom of the list. Some days I am lucky to think about getting a cup of coffee. Even luckier if I actually remember to drink it! I usually take someone to the ranch with me. So I am thinking of what they may like, or what our schedule needs to be. Greta and Randy went with me, but they had their own room and were spending the time with Katie & Cody. So I was almost at a loss as to what to do. Riding my own horse by myself gives me the freedom to go and ride whenever I want, not just when the ranch has their set times to ride. It is a habit for me to ride during those times, so I set my schedule for then. It just took me a few minutes to decide what I wanted to do since it is usually dictated by the kids!
Friday, October 19, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
I used to have quite a hard time getting the older kids to eat meatloaf when they were small. I could use the same recipe and make meatballs, no problem, but the word meatloaf immediately brought groans and complaints. Then someone told me to cook it in a bundt pan, which leaves a big hole in the middle. Then you fill the middle and pile it high with mashed potatoes, like a mountain. The finishing touch was to pour cheese sauce over the top.. like an erupting volcano! It worked like a charm. I quit using the term "meatloaf", although I continued to use the same recipe. Whenever they asked what we were having and got the response "Volcano", they couldn't wait for dinner. Sometimes it's all in the presentation, other times, it's the potato chips!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
The park starting getting full of playgroups and preschools so we went to the Museum of Science & History. They still have the dinosaur exhibit and a new play area for the little ones. It is not as easy as when they could be pushed around in a stroller! I noticed throughout the day that Alexa has a new phrase. Whenever I would say it was time to go to another area, or time to get in the car, etc. Alexa would turn to me and say "Not Yet!". Sometimes she would even put her hand up as she said it. I am not sure where she got the phrase, but it is so funny. She is very serious and uses it alot! Tristan gets distracted alot, so his phrase for the day was "wait for me!"
I had to drop off something at Greta's office so we brought her lunch then went over to the mall. We were going to try to make it to the indoor playground, but by the time we had lunch and picked up a couple things at Sears it was time to go get Hunter. I guess we will do it another day!
They are growing like weeds! Alexa is now wearing size 4 slim pants! Most size 3 are too short. Regular size 4 is too wide, even with the adjustable waist bands, but the 4 slim are perfect for her. Tristan seems to still be able to wear most of his 3T pants. I couldn't find 4 slim for him to try. He seems to have a longer body and shorter legs, whereas Alexa has really long legs. They wear size 3 & some size 4 tops. It depends on the brand I think. Some Size 4 are almost big enough for Hunter! Alexa is in a size 4 dress. The size 3 are too short. Alexa has moved up to a size 81/2 shoe. It seemed like she was stuck in size 7 all summer then had a growth spurt! Tristan is in 81/2-9 WIDE. If it isn't wide it won't fit. I am glad I bought alot of winter clothes and shoes ahead last year. I try to do that whenever I find a clearance sale. It sure helps! Hunter is in size 6 clothes all around and wears 11 1/2-12 size shoes. I have bought ahead for him too. I have been getting out their winter things and their closets are full!
Tristan is still lazy about the potty training thing, but Alexa is in big girl panties all the time now! I still use a pull up at night because she is a hard sleeper and doesn't always stay dry at night. Tristan isn't even trying. I have to remind him constantly and even then he is usually already wet. I was warned he would take longer. I am sure he will catch on eventually. Some progress is better than none!
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Hunter has been doing super in school. He gets a horse shoe each day if he has behaved and has done his work. He only missed one day in three weeks! I am classroom Mom. I am not good at placating egos and dealing with the mini mommy dramas, but I am hanging in there!
Alexa seems to be so content to play on her own, whereas Tristan can't stand to be alone. He even blocks her bedroom door when she tries to go play by herself to get away from him. And they are learning the art of blaming each other for everything.
Chad learned how to handle a crisis despite being panicked.. the other day Tristan wedged his arm into a very small space at the base of his entertainment center in his room. Somehow a small ball got in there and he wanted to get it out! I was picking Hunter up from school. Chad had to unscrew the base plate to get his arm out. I got home to the crisis being over and Tristan on the couch with an ice pack. His arm wasn't broken, just sore. He rebounded fast and was back to running around in no time!
I haven't taken many pictures lately either, so I will try to catch up on that too!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
We met Kierra's biological father and his new wife yesterday so they could meet the twins. It has been about 10 years since I have seen him. The last time Kierra was just a teenager and had wanted to meet him. I realized I still held alot of anger & resentment toward him then.
Kierra broke off communication with him for her own reasons several years ago. He wasn't aware the twins existed until his mom tracked him down to let him know Kierra had died. He recently got married and they were coming to Florida for a vacation. I wondered how I would feel now, how I would react.
Brian went with me and we met at a Mcdonald's with a playground so the kids could run around. It was odd. I didn't feel anything. No anger, no sadness, no anything. The only connection we had died with Kierra. I don't feel any connection between him & the twins. He hasn't been any part of their lives. Brian is their Papa. It kind of felt good to not feel anything. There is nothing left between us. He remembered people and places I hadn't thought about in so long. I have been Brian's wife and living such a different life for so long that I barely remember a life before.
Another demon dealt with.. and it wasn't such a big deal after all!
Monday, October 08, 2007
It is like the start of the "Season of Sorrow" for me. So many memories, and the anniversary of her death coming up. I try so hard to put a positive twist to things, and I manage to pull it off most of the time. Keeping too busy to let it drag me down. But it manages to drown me anyway.
So bear with me, and know this too shall pass! Won't it?
Brian got cards for the kids to sign on my birthday. When I got back from Taking Hunter to school Alexa ran to me saying "happy birthday! Happy Birthday to you!" It was too cute.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDON: to forgive one's enemies
Sounds simple enough doesn't it? Yet it isn't so simple for me. I can't seem to flip that switch on an old issue that I have dealt with most of my life. I know all the old addages about forgiveness and letting things go. It isn't one thing that caused the issue. It is a lifetime of things. I have tried to resolve how I feel. I just can't do it. I don't expect anyone to agree with me or understand how I feel. Just respect that they are MY feelings. Pretty vague, isn't it? It is family stuff and very personal stuff and I won't air it here. Just venting and letting you all know my head is in a funk right now. Not just from this.. life is what it is.. and some times it is... gray.