I am going to start blogging again. For myself, if no one else. I have so much to say, so much built up.. but for now I have this to share..
For my 10th birthday I was in All Children's Hospital in St Petersburg Florida recovering from surgery. According to my medical records I had a cancerous cyst of unknown type. Ruptured membrane excised with surrounding tissue. I have a very visible unusual scar about 5 inches long across my left collarbone.
After surgery the wound was left open. They took daily cultures then figured it was easier to let it heal from the inside out and still be able to access the area until they figured out what it was. They never did figure it out. Every day, numerous times per day, they would come in, pull out the gauze, clean the wound and stuff it with more gauze. They had me in isolation in a room by myself. Every time they pulled out the old gauze it reopened the wound and was extremely painful. It took a long time to heal and left an evident scar.
I have some emotional scars that remind me of that experience. Just when I think the pain is under control and healing has begun the wound is ripped open again, freshly bleeding with a new burst of pain.
I even have that same sense of isolation, of being alone, struggling with my recovery.
I keep thinking each time the gauze is ripped off if I just let it bleed till its done then the wound can heal. Stop trying to pad it, soften the pain. There is an end. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I just have to get there.
I have always felt strongly that you can forgive someone who hurts you, but they do not get a free pass to do it again just because they claim to love you or are related to you. I firmly believe that. It just gives me another person to grieve.
So I will recover, I will heal. I just need to guard my heart for a while longer.