Thursday, October 11, 2007

Another demon dealt with..

I was asked why I refer to Kierra's biological father as that instead of as my ex-husband. I really hadn't put much thought to it. I guess the marital connection has been severed for so long I really don't think of that. The only connection, tenuous as it was, was with Kierra. We were married just over a year before we split, so it was a brief moment in time compared to the almost 25 years I have been married to Brian. And since we married very young, for all the wrong reasons, it really didn't feel like a true marriage to me. I married Brian because I loved him like I had not ever loved anyone else. I wanted to spend my life growing old with him. Brian loves me like no one else ever has. Yes, I have been in love before, I can't say I haven't. But the depth of love is so different.
We met Kierra's biological father and his new wife yesterday so they could meet the twins. It has been about 10 years since I have seen him. The last time Kierra was just a teenager and had wanted to meet him. I realized I still held alot of anger & resentment toward him then.
Kierra broke off communication with him for her own reasons several years ago. He wasn't aware the twins existed until his mom tracked him down to let him know Kierra had died. He recently got married and they were coming to Florida for a vacation. I wondered how I would feel now, how I would react.
Brian went with me and we met at a Mcdonald's with a playground so the kids could run around. It was odd. I didn't feel anything. No anger, no sadness, no anything. The only connection we had died with Kierra. I don't feel any connection between him & the twins. He hasn't been any part of their lives. Brian is their Papa. It kind of felt good to not feel anything. There is nothing left between us. He remembered people and places I hadn't thought about in so long. I have been Brian's wife and living such a different life for so long that I barely remember a life before.
Another demon dealt with.. and it wasn't such a big deal after all!

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