An Anonymous Email Worth Sharing

Getting Older, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, close to the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 70 & 80's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car?
But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become.
I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)

We've Landed..

Actually Brian & I got back on Thursday afternoon. We watched the fireworks they had at The World Golf Village (across the street) on Thursday night, then Friday was a busy "catch-up" and unpack day. Bri & Justin came over and I cooked a 4th of July picnic style dinner. Then off I went Sat & Sun to pick up Tortuga and Reese (our fillies), from Georgia.
I am still trying to play catch-up, which seems to be a never ending quest. The kids are being kids and there is always plenty that needs to be done around here. I will post some pix of "the girls", Toruga & Reese, when I get a few extra minutes later. ttfn

Taking off..

Brian & I are taking a few days off. Off from work, off from kids, off from just about everything except each other. I am not sure if I will have internet access, and honestly, I am not sure I would bother with it anyway! We will be back on Thursday. Randy might be off the vent today. They had him breathing on his own through the night, so if all his levels and vitals are good he may be taken off the machine today. It's all good!

When I said I do

These times are troubled and these times are good

And they're always gonna be, they rise and they fall

We take 'em all the way that we should

Together you and me forsaking them all

Deep in the night and by the light of day

It always looks the same, true love always does

And here by your side, or a million miles away

Nothin's ever gonna change the way that I feel,

The way it is, is the way that it was

When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time

Be faithful and true, devoted to you

That's what I had in mind when I said I do

Well this old world keeps changin', and the world stays the same

For all who came before, and it goes hand and hand

Only you and I can undo all that we became

That makes us so much more, than a woman and a man

And after everything that comes and goes around

Has only passed us by, here alone in our dreams

I know there's a lonely heart in every lost and found

But forever you and I will be the ones

Who found out what forever means

When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time

Be faithful and true, devoted to you

That's what I had in mind when I said I do

Truer than true, you know that I'll always be there for you

That's what I had in mind, that's what I had in mind,

When I said I do

Tomorrow will be our 25th wedding anniversary. I would marry him all over again!

A Silent Scream

AARGHHHHHHHH!
Thanks, I feel better, just needed to get that off my chest!

Generations

It is part of evolution, nature's way, for there to be changes as generations pass from one to another. Some changes are good. Some seem to be not so good. There doesn't seem to be accountability, responsibility for things. There are exceptions, but they are not the majority.There seems to be a general attitude that someone else will pay for it/ fix it/ make it better. It seems there is no hesitation to use up someone else's time, spend someone else's dime.
And although they want you to fix the problem, they don't want to hear about it, nor do they want to have to contribute to the solution.
It is an "all about me" generation. We have raised them to be this way. I know an exception or two. Out of a field of about 40 young people I know personally. My own included. What will the following generation be like? It is a scary prospect indeed!

A long recovery..

Randy had open heart surgery on Wednesday. They did a triple bypass due to almost complete blockage of all his arteries. There is no telling how long he has had minimal blood flow. It explains him being sick and tired all the time. The Doctors explained that he would have the roughest time with recovery due to so many health issues. They have kept him sedated and on a ventilator since the surgery. They have been slowly weaning him off meds and letting him be less dependant on the vent so they hope to let him wake up sometime today, maybe tomorrow. It has been quite a rollercoaster and he has a very long way to go. It is a grueling process for him and for Greta too. I have been at the hospital alot and barely get to the computer, so bear with me. I will let you know what is going on as we go.

Catching up..

I was looking back over some blogs the past few months and realized I never updated a couple things, sorry!

Tristan is completely potty trained, About the beginning of May it finally clicked. He has done super.. no accidents!

Lenny did not have West Nile Virus. It took over 2 weeks for the test results to come back on that.. but he did have some unknown neurological virus that seems to be gone now. The treatments would have been the same. He does get a droopy bottom lip when he is tired. He may always have that now. He has a lump, seems to be just a hematoma, on his neck, that we will work on with massage and some DMSO. The ultrasounds show nothing there to worry about. So he is back to his old self again.

I think that catches things up.. if I have forgotten something, or have left you wondering.. let me know!

Kids say the darnedest things!

Have I told you about some of the kid's funniest phrases? They give me the giggles throughout my chaotic, crazy days.. here are a few.. I have no idea where most of these came from!

Tristan (when standing at the toilet to pee) "Fire in the hoooole!"

Tristan (when something suprises him) "Wow, I did not see that one coming!"

Hunter (when showing me an outdoor bowling set) "Look mom, they have the box open at this part for demonstration purposes."

Hunter (whenever you asked him almost any question when he was younger) "Not Today!"

Alexa (when you ask her to do something.. complete with pointed finger) "Just a minute, I be right back!"

Alexa (when telling on one of the boys) "Mom, you not gonna like this!"

There are more, I will have to blog them as they say them, or as I remember.. but those are the ones that popped into my head.

Okay, I debated sharing this one, because honestly, it makes my sweetie pie seem like a cad, but it really wasn't meant in a cad like way.. and he never does this in front of the kids, so here goes.
Yesterday morning Brian was telling the twins & I goodbye when he left for work. The kids were watching TV. (Hunter is away at Auntie Terri's all week for horse camp.) Brian reached over the back of the couch and as he kissed me goodbye he quickly groped caressed my breast. I guess it wasn't quick enough because Alexa saw him and said "He loooves you mom! He really loves you!" Just great.. at age 4 she already equates groping caressing with love! Then when we were getting ready to go out later, she thought I was staying home, so she hugs me, kisses me, grabs my breast and says I love you! Needless to say, I explained that she shouldn't do that, and that Papa hadn't meant to do that either. Oh, the lessons they learn by mistake!

Support & good wishes welcome!

Over the weekend Greta & I took our nephew, Justin, to Universal Studio's parks in Orlando. It was a very full, fun weekend. We got back Sunday evening. Monday night (Tues. am) at about 1:30 in the morning, Greta's husband Randy was rushed to the hospital. He has had a heart attack and they are still in the process of stabilizing him to do the heart catheter procedure they need to do to help him heal. He is having other complications that are holding off the procedure. Greta is with him throughout the day and evening, but they won't let anyone stay during the night. He is in the CCU, which is the Cardiac Care Unit at Shands Jacksonville. So say a prayer, burn a candle, whatever you do, any and all support and good wishes are welcome. I am busy doing what I can just to be there for them so I haven't been at the computer at all. I will update when there is news to tell. Hug the ones you love today, and maybe be a bit more tolerant with those you don't!

Have you ever heard the phrase..

..avoiding the ghost in the middle of the room? Or something like that.. I guess that is what I have been doing. I couldn't avoid Kierra's birthday on Monday. But I could avoid talking about it.
I can't avoid the feelings. I can't forget how much that day meant for all of her life, and the guilt that I dreaded that day coming. I dreaded the intensity of the emotions it brings. Time has not made it any easier.
We took Tristan & Alexa to the zoo. They fed the giraffes (pix in gallery) and played in the splash park. We made it as normal a day as we could. I can't say how we will deal with it next year. I don't know sometimes how I will deal with it today!
Brian & I put new flowers on the marker where she died. I have come to hate that place, that spot where she left us. I am glad the marker is there to remind the world of what happened and that her life ended there. Maybe it will make them think about their actions while driving, maybe not. I want the marker there. I just don't want to go there. I am filled with such anger and hatred when I go there. I can't make it a place where I can go to remember her, or talk to her. I do that wherever I am every moment of every day. I have things that bring me good thoughts and better memories than that place does.
I think, irrationally, I resent the reminder of where and how she died. As though I can pretend it didn't happen that way or happen at all. So I don't go there. When I drive by it I think I intentionally turn up the radio or think of something else, like a mental "to do" list to keep my mind occupied. I think I would do that wether the marker were there or not. It isn't the marker as much as it is the place where she died.
Grief rarely makes sense. It is a deep crevice and we always seem to teeter on the edge, we who are left behind to muddle through this life that has forever been altered. It is what it is. And we will get through it one day at a time. Because time keeps going, propelling us forward into whatever will come.
Every day I will embrace her, and her ghost, taking her with me wherever I go. But I know there will still be days ahead of me when I will avoid the ghost in the middle of the room, or at least talking about it, because those days it just hurts too much and I need to concentrate on teetering instead of falling. Thank you all for understanding, wether you truly do or not.

Alexa Sleeping 6.5.08

Alexa Sleeping 6.5.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is how we found Alexa when we were checking on everyone before we went to bed. She hadn't wanted to go to bed, so she leaned her princess chair back against the bed and this is how she fell asleep. She looked so comfortable we hated to move her!

Brianne & Justin 6-4-05

Brianne & Justin 6-4-05
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Happy Anniversary Baby!

Justin, the Graduate!

Justin, the Graduate!
Originally uploaded by mommanana

My nephew, Justin, graduated from high school last Friday in Illinois. He had a hard road to get there the last few weeks, but he did it!
Brian's niece, Savanna, graduates tonight in St. Pete. and his nephew, Chris, graduates tomorrow night in Niceville. We couldn't make it to any of the graduations, but we are proud of all of them. It isn't a small feat nowadays and we wish them all the best of everything in their future.

A Fair Tooth Fairy..

Hunter lost his first tooth last Wednesday. One of those "firsts" that we put on our path to growing up. I volunteered at his school yesterday and while I was having lunch with him and his classmates, we all discussed what rate the tooth fairy was giving out for first teeth. I was amazed. It ranged from $1-$20! Hunter was the $1. The rest got from $5 and up. Before I could come up with an explanation Hunter informed them that his teeth were very small, and that meant he had more teeth then them, so he would get more money for all of his than they did and the tooth fairy was trying to be fair. I tried not to laugh. They all seemed to think that made sense, so I left it alone. I sometimes wish I could have the imagination of a child. Things seem so much simpler through their eyes.

Jiminy Cricket 5.25.08

Jiminy Cricket 5.25.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is one of many, many, many pix I just loaded onto the photo gallery from our Memorial Weekend Trip to Disney. Go take a look by clicking on this pick and it will take you there. I am still trying to recover from the weekend! I will blog more about it later, the pix should keep you busy for awhile!

Damn Mosquitos!

My "No Battle Zone" didn't really work. And to add to my already stretched ability to deal with stress, one of my horses, Lenny, is sick. Very sick. The vet believes he has the West Nile Virus. I had him vaccinated before moving him, but was not aware he needed a booster to completely protect him. After a long night, he is showing marked improvement and responding well to the treatment. The initial symptoms did not seem serious, but yesterday afternoon I noticed a major difference in him. I almost waited until today to have him seen, but decided I couldn't take a chance that he would worsen through the night. When we first called the vet they asked if we were sure it was serious because it was after hours and the symptoms we described were not life threatening. When they saw him they said that it was very serious and they were glad I insisted. Catching it so quick made a big difference in how well he is recovering so far. It couldn't just be heat exhaustion, or something he ate.. it has to be a major neurological virus! They are doing the bloodwork to confirm it because it has to be reported to the state, but they are confident that is what it is. Brian had just asked me the day before if they were vaccinated because a case was confirmed in St. John's County where we live. I had them give Barney his booster on the spot and everyone is checking their horse's vaccine records. Lenny can't pass it along, but he got it from mosquitos that are infected, so all the horses are susceptible. Even my animals can't do anything halfway! I will keep you updated on his progress.

Pick Your Battles..

It seems lately I have been fighting one battle after another. I can’t seem to get anything done without a fight. Then there are the battles we fight just in our day to day life. It can be hard to pick which battles to bother with and which ones we will surrender to.
I never liked to SeeSaw when I was a child. My brothers thought it was fun to get me going, really enjoying the thrill of going up and down, then they jumped off and I would go crashing to the ground, hard. They left me scared and hurt on numerous occasions. (And they wonder why we aren’t close?!) It seems simple to say "why didn't you just stop getting on the SeeSaw with them?" Because they could be very convincing and/or threatening. And I really wanted to believe they liked me, maybe even loved me, enough not to hurt me again. I still want to believe that about everyone I care about. I still don’t like being on a SeeSaw and yet that is what my life feels like. The constant up and down. The feeling that things are going smooth and steady, then the unexpected, jolting crash to the bottom.
And I think one of the things that carries over from that type of life experience is that I absolutely hate it when my feelings are ignored or trivialized. When someone hurts me and discards my feelings as though they aren't important. And it is not something I get over quickly. Anger is a flashpoint, it is usually a surface emotion that I can get over fairly fast if it is just something I am mad about. But hurt runs deeper than that. It also tends to turn into resentment. So try as I might, I am not always able to just "let it go" if it is something that hurts my feelings. I don't always get to pick the battles either. Sometimes I am thrown in the middle of it wether I want to fight it or not.
I am still tending my bruises from the latest SeeSaw crash. I am not up to fighting any battles for myself or anyone else. So I am declaring a "No Battle Zone" for a few days, wish me luck!

Every Day by Rascal Flats.. to Brian

You could've bowed out gracefully
But you didn't
You knew enough to know
To leave well enough alone
But you wouldn't

I drive myself crazy
Tryin' to stay out of my own way
The messes that I make
But my secrets are so safe
The only one who gets me
Yeah, you get me
It's amazing to me

How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life

I come around all broken down and
Crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know

How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life

Sometimes I swear, I don't know if
I'm comin' or goin'
But you always say something
Without even knowin'
That I'm hangin' on to your words
With all of my might and it's alright
Yeah, I'm alright for one more night-

Every day
Every day, every day, every day
Every day, every day
You save me, you save me, oh, oh, oh
Every day
Every, every, every day-
Every day you save my life

Today is Brian's birthday. Like me, he can't quite "celebrate" things like we used to. So instead of trying to tell him "Happy Birthday", I will tell him I love him and let him know that everyday he saves my life..

Just the two of us..

Brian and I were able to take advantage of going to celebrate a milestone with a longtime friend.
I guess technically Vicky was Brian's friend first, but I have claimed her as mine since we met before Brian & I were even married. She is the type of person who always gives 150%.. and usually only gets about 5% back. So Brian & I were not going to miss her graduation from the (Law Enforcement) Corrections Officer Academy. We are so proud of her! She has worked her tail off. It was a good time with her, her friends, and family.
Brian & I went up the day before and stayed out at a resort on the beach. (Thanks to Nancy and my new cousin, Cathy!) We tried to plan this hot, romantic getaway, but had to laugh when things didn't go quite as planned. We got to walk on the beach, see a beautiful sunset, and have some time just the two of us. He earned some "Points" going to the mall and to the Disney Store to catch their big sale at the stores they are closing. (100 stores in the southeast by the end of June.. catch the sales! Only at the stores that are closing.) We took his Mom to lunch for a belated Mother's Day and got to visit with her for awhile too. There was no rush and no chaos.
We met Greg & Lisa in Crystal River for dinner so on the way up we stopped and walked around Homosassa Springs for a while. It was nice to just be together. We don't get to do that often enough. We need to think of something to do/ somewhere to go for our anniversary. We do not want any party or any big deal. We want to be together and do our own thing.
And a huge Thank You for the ones we love who kept the kids for us. We could not do it without you!

Time by the Greencards

On the wind, I feel the warmth
Like the town where I was born
Blowing down a two lane road
It rides just like the one back home
I close my eyes and then go back again
I hear a song on the radio
Reminds me of someone I use to know
We'd stay up until the dawn
Now that someone is gone
I close my eyes and then go back again
Time is a river, rolling out to sea
I close my eyes and then go back again
Last night, I had a dream
About a place I'd never been
Shining sun on fields of gold
It could be heaven for all I know
I close my eyes and then go back again
Time is a river, rolling out to sea
I close my eyes and then go back again
I close my eyes and then go back again
And again

I seem to go back alot lately, especially dealing with Mother's Day. It is both a blessing and a curse. All Holidays and special occasions are. It is such a dual edged sword, and it seems time is not the buffer others claim it to be. Joy, pain, sunshine & rain all roll together. I never know where the spinning wheel will stop. Keeping busy helps, and that is not a hard thing for me to do.. so off I go to tend to the many things to do on my life's list. Hug each other for me and reach for the sun.. I am.

I'm not lovin it!

We have been having warranty work done on our house since we hit the one year mark. That seems crazy to me, has it been a year already?! Today was the plumber because 2 of our toilets don't flush right, they never have. Then we have had major back-ups in Alexa's bathroom. They put better flush valves on them to add more water and pressure to flushing. Then they found a piece of cardboard from when they did the floors. It was blocking the hole at the bottom of the toilet. All those problems solved easily. The kicker was the pink toy stuck in Alexa's toilet. A square toy in a round hole. It was wedged too tight to get it out. They had to break the bowl and will put a new one in tomorrow. The toy was a little drawer from a carriage the kids broke quite soem time ago. It's one of those toys with parts and pieces that someone buys your child because it's so cute and they will love it.. I'm not lovin it at the moment!

My other "kids"..

Well, Brianne & I had an awesome ride with the horses the other evening. Although it was a bit longer than we had planned. We are stilling learning our way around and thought we could find a way around instead of backtracking the way we went to start with. No such luck, so we had to backtrack. But the horses did great and we really enjoyed the ride. It was much cooler than it would have been during the heat of the day. It will be fun to learn the trails and enjoy the horses. I was worried about Barney because I had so many problems before I moved him, but he was like the horse he used to be. It confirmed for me that the move was the right thing to do. I had some doubts and worries, but he showed me that I did the best thing for both of us! Yesterday Bri went with me and we gave Lenny & Barney baths. They didn't love it, but they did good. Then the ferrier was there to trim hooves on another horse and I got him to do Barney's for me and put new shoes on. Of course when I brought Barney back in from the pasture he had rolled in the dirt! They are just like kids. They drive me crazy.. but I love 'em!!

In a nut(ty) shell

Saturday Alex & I took Tristan & Alexa to Wild Adventures. All in all it was a good day. It was very hot and humid. I have some pix in the gallery so go take a peek. Alex had to leave early yesterday morning so he said his goodbyes Saturday night.
Yesterday, Sunday, I talked Chad into going to the stables with me ( he wouldn't ride.. isn't into the horses!) and then we went to the Fernandina Shrimp Festival. We met Terri, Savannah, & Hunter there. We ate some shrimp, walked around a bit and then headed home.
So here I am today, waiting for a repairman to come fix some warranty stuff on the house. Just got a call he can't make it, maybe on Wednesday. So I will try to get motivated, (haha), and do some cleaning. I am going to reward myself later when Brianne & I go up to the stables and ride the horses this evening! So there you have the past few days in a nut(ty) shell!

A new trick

I guess we are never too old to learn new tricks. I stole borrowed a tip from another blog. That way I can put what I really think, then replace it with something more tactful!
Isn't that a waste of time! special!

More Time.. LOL

It has been a busy and crazy week! The horses are settling in well. I can't wait to spend more time with them. Alex is here visiting Tristan & Alexa before he has to get ready to be deployed again. There are some cute pix in the photo gallery that he had done, click on any photo below and check them out! (You would think I wouldn't have to keep telling ya'll how to do that, but you would be suprised how many times I post a new picture and am asked how to get to the photo gallery.)
It is a quick visit so we have been on the run every day and am gone again all day tomorrow. I am hoping to get to the stables on Sunday. Maybe next week things will calm down a bit and we can get on a regular schedule. So I hope things are well in your corner of the world. I'll get back to blogging when I have a bit more time!

Alexa 5.2.08

Alexa 5.2.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This pic was a last minute fluke they caught when she was playing around..

Tristan 5.2.08

Tristan 5.2.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

He is quite the surfer dude, don't ya think?!

Nancy's Version of Tristan Walking

Nancy's Version of Tristan Walking
Originally uploaded by mommanana

I have this photo in the gallery, but this is the version Nancy sent me. I love how the colors are so much deeper and the light is on him.. too cool!

Sticker Shock!

This morning I took Hunter to school. There is always a line of cars for drop-off and pick-up. We were behind an old silver truck with a topper on the back. The back window had several stickers. As I glanced at the stickers I fervently hoped the line would move fast and I tried to keep Hunter busy with questions about everything and nothing. Then it happened. "Mom, why does that car have a sticker that says Mean People Suck?" I told him that some people feel that way and think it is okay to say that. He should not use the word "suck" maybe use "stink" instead. My efforts to distract him didn't work and after a few attempts he figured out the matching sticker to the first one. My mind had been scrambling for the answer to his next question that I knew was coming... "Mom, what does Nice People Swallow mean?" I took a deep breath and forged ahead.. "Mean People Stink because they say and do mean things and get angry and don't think about hurting people's feelings. Nice People Swallow their anger and mean things they might want to say or do so they won't hurt people's feelings." Wow, that was close!
We work so hard to teach them to read. I am always telling him to sound words out and focus on what he is reading. He has become very good at figuring words out. There are few things you can spell that he won't figure out what it is. Brian realized over the weekend that the trick of spelling words you don't want to say in front of him doesn't work anymore. I finished talking to someone on the phone quite a while back and Hunter asked me if the person I was talking to could read. I told him of course they could. He then asked me.. "then why did you have to spell out SEX for her?" Little ears hear more than you think they do! There was a time I would have put those stickers on my car. I would not have given a thought about a child parked behind me asking his mother what they meant. It gave a whole new meaning to the term "sticker shock"!

Running..

I am running on empty! We got back from our camping trip Saturday aftrenoon. Sat. night I went to Tanya's at about 9:30pm, we went to bed about 11pm.. we got up at 2 am, hit the road by 2:30 am. We got to the ranch in Madison at 8:15 am just in time to grab breakfast. We had Barney & Lenny loaded and hit the road by 9:30 am. We got to the stable at about 3:30pm Sunday afternoon. I left the stable at 6 pm and fell asleep on the couch at about 10 pm! You can't catch up on lost sleep, and my body is mad about it! I spent yesterday grooming the horses (they are settling in really well!) and running around town and today volunteering all day at Hunter's school. We have YMCA class tonight, so I am still on the run. The next few days will be busy too, so I don't see much rest in sight. And Brian wonders how I can fall asleep sitting up?!

Roastin marshmallows

Roastin marshmallows
Originally uploaded by mommanana

We made it home and all is well. They roasted marshmallows and hot dogs and made s'mores. They got dirty and they swam in the springs. They did alot more too, but I wll blog about that later. More pix in the gallery, so click on this one to get there and enjoy!

Off on an Adventure!

RV.. AKA here come the Clampetts!
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is where we will be for the next couple days. Terri & Dwight were very kind to let us borrow their RV to go camping. (Brian doesn't do tents!) So we are loaded and ready to go. Of course after taking the day off Brian got scheduled for court at 1:30, so he will meet us there. I guess it is a good thing I don't mind driving big vehicles! I don't know if there will be any kind of wireless internet, I doubt it, and honestly, I don't think I will even bring my laptop. I will have plenty to keep me busy with the kids and Brian. So I will blog pix and adventures on Sunday night.. We come back Saturday afternoon, but then I am off to bring Barney and Lenny from the ranch in GA to the new stable here. No rest for the wicked! The kids are ready to get buckled in and hit the road, so off we go!

Where to go..

Well, I had intended to get on here and blog the great things that happened "today", which is now yesterday in the calendar and clock world. In my world my day is not over yet, so it is still Tuesday!
The biggest "Great Thing" is.... Chad passed his driving test and has his official grown up license!
And do you know how great it was to send him to the store while I was fixing dinner?! He realized there wasn't anything to drink, and tada.. I sent him to the store! The benefit for him will be the ability to get a job and go back to school.. without me being his chauffer, which benefits us both.
On a lesser, yet still "great" note.. Tristan went poop in the toilet twice today! And one of those times was in a rusty toilet at the stables. (He has a hangup about toilets that don't look clean.) Of course that greatness was overshadowed a bit when he had a major blowout this evening and had to be hosed down in the shower. It seems he had an upset stomach and didn't make it. Not by a longshot! So we'll continue to be thrilled when he does and grossed out when he doesn't!
What a paradox of life's momentous occasions! We spend our lives waiting for the next goal, the next hurdle we believe they have to jump to become adults. We try to prepare them and us for the time in their lives when they are independent. I am juxtapositioned between a boy who is a 21 year old man trying to figure where he wants to go in his life, and a boy who is 4 years old trying to figure out where to "GO"!

East & West

Went to the ranch this weekend for a quick trip to get all the saddles and tack for the horses. I don't want to have to mess with any of it when we move the boys next Sunday. There are recent pix of "the girls" in the photo gallery. Tortuga goes to the trainer next week and then we'll move the girls the end of June. I am so excited that they will all be nearby! Greta went with me and we had a great dinner at the Ice House in Madison Sat. night and we even had a mini adventure when we got "lost" going west instead of east.. good thing I had my GPS in the car to get us back on track or we may never have made it home!

The Laundry Lowdown

There are things in my laundry that would make the strongest of men cringe! Tristan still isn't "pooping" in the toilet. He will go in his pants, on the floor, anywhere but where we want him to go! Honestly, I have thrown out underwear rather than have to clean them. He & Alexa still wear pull ups at night. Hers are almost always dry, Tristan is hit & miss. A pull up must have been inside one of their pajamas and made it into the washing machine. Do you have any idea how nasty the gel insides of a pull up are when they get wet, seperate, and attach themselves to a full load of clothes?! I mistakenly thought if I let them dry out a bit then they would shake out easier. I did not dare put them in the dryer. That gel stuff is made to hold water, not release it and dry out! It has taken me 2 days to get it all cleaned out and the wash redone. Nasty, nasty!

It's just a tag..

I was a bit sideswiped today when I went to renew our car tags. I didn't know there is a limit to how long you can have your tag. They demand they be replaced every 5 years, you have to get a new tag. I have the tag from Kierra's car on my van. At first they said we just had to change Brian's. Then they said, oops, yours too. It may not seem like a big deal.. but I don't want a new tag. I do not want to remove her tag from my car. It physically hurts to think of taking it off. I know some of you won't understand. You don't have to. I bought the damn replacement tag because I had to. I have not put it on yet. I guess I am supposed to do it a.s.a.p. So shoot me. I will have to have Brian do it later. I can't stand the idea of not seeing it on my car anymore, it not being there. I know it's just a tag, but it was hers...

Disney Dreams & Friends..

Sat. til today we had our friend Terry from S. Florida visiting. She got to ride the rollercoaster that is our life right along with us! She & I did get the chance to go to Orlando on Monday. We realized we are a bit spoiled. There were a couple of things she wanted to see at Disney that had changed since she had been there last, but overall, we had both been there, done that. We talked about how Disney is such a once in a lifetime dream vacation for some families, and we have gone so often it holds no novelty for us. I wonder if that is how people who live near other dream vacation spots feel? Can you see too much of the Grand Canyon? Is Hawaii one of those "great place to visit, but don't want to live there" places? I know we are not taking the kids to Orlando for Hunter's spring break next week, we are going camping instead! Anywho, it was a great visit with Terry, although as usual it was too short!

Celina 3.3.1996-4.15.2008

Celina 3.3.1996-4.15.2008
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Chad woke me at 3 am Tues. morning to tell me Celina couldn't walk on her hind legs. I reflex tested her throughout the night and into the morning and the sensation to her back legs decreased rapidly. She was 12 years old in March, well beyond the life expectancy for her breed. We have talked about her aging and knew we had her on borrowed time. That didn't make the decision any easier, but the Vet agreed that there wasn't anything we could do to help her. Her body was shutting down. We couldn't bear for her to be in pain or to suffer as her body betrayed her. We owed her better than that. Brian met me there and we let her go to sleep peacefully. Knowing we did the right thing doesn't make it any easier. She gave us great love and loyalty. Sweet dreams Nina..

Thank God for Throw Rugs!

Do you know how insane it is to have cream colored carpet with 1 big kid, 3 little kids, 3 dogs and 2 adults running amok on it all day? Trust me, it is major insane! I did not pick this color, it was already here. I have spent the past few hours steam cleaning Tristan's carpet. It will never look new again. It is varying shades of cream, but it will never be the same shade throughout that it once was. Even my "spot magic" cleaner, that is truly magic, can't save it all. So for now I am finished, it will be dry by morning.. and then I will throw a rug over it and be done!

It takes lots of Baby Steps..

I had to update (ok, brag) on my honey & I.. I fugure if I am going to share.. ya get stuck with the mushy stuff too! I told Brian pretty much what I blogged to ya'll and I even asked him about the mars/venus blow it off/hold a grudge thing we opposite sexes tend to do. I didn't yell, scream or cry, so I think he actually heard what I was saying. He has tried really hard to tell me he loves me, and to let me know he appreciates me. Baby steps are a wonderful thing, we are pretty use to them around here! So we'll take what we can get and both try a little harder. We didn't get through the past 25 years by takin it easy!

Hunter taking a break

Hunter taking a break
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is what happens when you spend a few hours in the sun building with your Dad.. you get worn out!

4.11.08 Hunter & Dad

4.11.08 Hunter & Dad
Originally uploaded by mommanana

See.. this I love, this makes me forget why I get so mad at my man sometimes.

Hmmmm

How do I shake this? How do I just brush myself off and be okay? I feel like someone stole my tootsie pop. I just want to go to bed and wake up tomorrow all better. How is it men do that? They blow up, blow it off and everything is just fine & dandy. So how do I become a guy? Maybe that is the answer... that's one I hadn't considered... hmmmm

Havin' a bad day

I was going to blog at 4 am, but thought it better not to. I am not in a very good mood today. But now I think you get what you get, my mood is not improving, and one of the things I do here is try to be honest. Maybe I'll be in a better mood tomorrow. Lord knows, I've been here before!
I go to my pain doc today. He will give me some shots in my neck to help me feel better. There are some pains a needle can't reach. And it isn't always about Kierra either.
I grew up with a father who waited 27 years to tell me he loved me. Did he love me? Of course. But I doubted it often, and always wondered what lacked in me that he couldn't say it. Was knowing he loved me enough? Not always.
It isn't so different when you are the person to always say I love you first. (On the phone when they say.. "Okay, Love ya, gotta go" doesn't count for me.) You sometimes wonder what lacks in you that they don't say it just because they feel it. That they only say it in response to you saying it first. And sometimes, they don't even say it then. I'm not talking occasionally. I am talking ... EVER. I am the type of person to keep track! So when something else upsets or hurts me, this just stands out more. He says it to the kids with no problem, just not to me. So that's a good thing, a break in the cycle for them anyway.
Brian & I come from very critical, difficult childhoods. I think an after effect of that is we are critical people. It also makes us, well me anyway, need reassurance. Acknowledgement that I have done something good/right. It chips away at me when I don't get that. To say " That's good, but could be better." is the same to me as .. you didn't do good enough. To say.. "that's great, but you didn't do this.. is the same to me as.. you didn't do good enough. After enough times of hearing that.. I figure why bother.. it won't be good enough. It doesn't, in anyway, motivate me to work harder or better. Negative re-enforcement never does. And once again, he doesn't do that so much with the kids.. just me.
Brian has been busting his butt working on putting the kids playground together in every spare minute he has had. I have tried to help when & where I can. He had some hassles with things not lining up last night. I stayed outside to help him, I told him what a great job he had done, how much the kids were going to love it. I thanked him for working so hard on it. I don't think it is too much to ask to get the same consideration once in a while.
Yes, my mind rationalizes.. it's his back ground, it's his military training, he's tired, he's stressed. I know & understand all that. Does it hurt my feelings less? NO. He's a great dad, the most awesome Papa. He works way too hard and way too much to provide for us. And on most other counts, he is a wonderful husband. I love him. Here's the part that kept me awake last night..
Do I think he loves me? Yes
But I doubt it often and wonder what is lacking in me that he can't say it first.
Is knowing he loves me enough? Not always
So I 've come full circle.. is that supposed to be a good thing?

Tidbit for Today

We live in such a lopsided world, a world where a group of Peacocks is called an "Ostentation".. kind of fits your impression of them doesn't it? A group of Larks is an "Exaltation".. okay.. that seems a bit much! Here's the part I find off whack.. a group of Crows is called a "Murder".. how unfair is that? and if you are a group of Ravens.. you are called an "Unkindness".

I know that is useless knowledge.. just a bit of trivia.. but that bugs me! How would you feel if everyone considered you a harbinger of death? I mean seriously, not just when you have a hangover! Anywho.. that is my tidbit for today.. enjoy!

Alexa at the window 4.7.08

Alexa at the window 4.7.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is my grandaughter, have you met her? She is precious & precocious. She is sweet and she is spicey. She can be tempered, but has quite the temper. She has eyes and a smile that will charm you, and a heart that seems to charm any creature she gets close to. She is a princess and a diva, trust me, that is a complicated combination! She has manners, and can manipulate like a grown woman.. just ask her Papa. She can be picky and she is a pixie. She is so much her mother, she is so much herself. She brings so much to me, and has so much yet to do. This is my grandaughter..

Alexa & Bri 4.7.08

Alexa & Bri 4.7.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This was at Paula dean's in Savannah on Monday. Check out the gallery for some other cute pix from the weekend. We had such a good time. We left the ranch Sunday. The ranch was booked and all the hotels were double pricing their rooms because of the Masters Golf Tournament in Augusta. (big deal!) So we stayed over in Savannah, ate lunch at PD's and walked around awhile before heading home Monday afternoon. Now I have to figure out something to do with the boys!

Class Basket for the auction

Class Basket for the auction
Originally uploaded by mommanana

I am so glad this part is over!! I finally got this done & turned in today, now I have to get through the auction/drawing & BBQ on Sat. and this major project is done! I will catch up on the weekend some more later. I left my one & only phone charger in GA, so until I find another one I am incommunicato!

Sunshine & Rain..

I was just thinking.. listen to my girls snore! "My girls".. it has been so long since I have thought that phrase in the present tense. But time marches on doesn't it? They are my girls in whatever context you want to consider it. Despite rain falling the entire day we had a good time. Lots of pretty horses, good movies, popcorn, coloring books, Starbucks, Walmart, Ice House, & Perk Avenue. By the way.. Ice House is a restaurant, and Perk Avenue is a coffee shop. We made our own sunshine!

Tootsie Pops!

Speaking of moving.. Dori is moving back to St. Pete as I type. Amidst madness & mayhem she is starting anew. I hope it all goes well for her. I wonder sometimes about what happiness is all about. I want it for the people I love & care about it. Yet it seems we all are forever in pursuit of the elusive, ethereal thing that will ultimately make us "happy". And when we think we have found it, is it long lasting?.. I always relate it to the tootsie pop commercial with the owl where he asks how many licks it takes to get to the center.. one, two, three.. then bites the lollipop.. and says .. three. Happiness must be the stuff in the center of the tootsie pop.. and how you get to it will depend on how patient you are, which will also decide how long it lasts.. ya think??
Well, I wish Dori, and all of you.. lots of tootsie pops!

I Feel Better..

On our way out of town yesterday Brianne & I stopped by the stable I have been thinking of moving the horses to. I got another look at things with a fresh pair of eyes and I think it will work out well. I am looking forward to having more time with the horses! I spoke with the staff at the ranch where the horses are now and confirmed that I am moving them. They were great about it and understand, but made me promise to keep in touch. I will try to get back up here in a couple weeks, then a friend of ours with a horse trailer will come up with me on the 27th to load the boys up and move them down. Tortuga will stay up here til the end of June for training and then we will move her too. I will really miss everyone up here, they are like part of the family, I even like some of them better than some of my own family! I guess I will have to make some visits every once in awhile just to say hi!

My Tuner must be broke!

Ok, so where's my tuner knob, the one that lets me change stations, lets me change the signals I can receive and broadcast? I have a squeaking guinea pig, a whiney child, 2 other demanding children & Brian is listening to some show about rock music.. I can't seem to tune them out. I don't know how people can do that, I am jealous! So off I go to get them all settled down.. and see about getting that damn tuner fixed!

April Fooled

Wow, I skipped the whole April fool's thing. Another blogger wrote she was going to quit blogging and dedicate the time to cleaning her house..LOL. It is a rough day for us. Brian lost his dad on April 1st. It is hard not to think of what that day means in that respect, rather than playing tricks on people. I remember when it used to be just a fun day. That is what sucks about grief. You can say you will move on, that you will not let it drag you down. But it changes how we think & feel about everything. An ordinary day isn't ordinary anymore. We can still have fun, we can laugh and enjoy some things, but we can't play tricks on April 1st when the ultimate trick fate played was to take Brian's Dad that day. That's just the way it is.

Chick-munks

That is what both Tristan & Alexa say when they talk about the Chipmunks, Alvin, Simon, & Theodore. We got the DVD and they have seen the movie at the theater. Kierra use to say it that way too. I have several CDs of chipmunk music from a very long time ago, so my kids grew up on it. It is funny how some things are recycled. It is bittersweet to hear them say something the way she said it, or do something the way she did it. It isn't just the way all kids do things. There are distinctive things each child does in their own way. Those are the things that suprise us, that catch us off gaurd. That bring a smile to our lips, just as a tear runs down our face.

Decisions, Decisions!

I am so torn by the decision to move my horses. It doesn't seem like it would be a hard one to make does it? I looked at a place today that was okay, but no where near what they have up in Georgia. But better than alot of places I have seen down here. The few nicer places I have seen down here are way out of my price range. This place has a new owner just starting out, it is an older farm, needs some work, but they seem nice enough. They have nice, grassy paddocks and pastures, alot of room. I think some of the horses could be in better shape, but I am pretty critical about that. I just don't know! It would save us money to move them, at least it would after I get Tortuga trained and moved down the end of June. That's another big decision. Do I have her trained, or do I sell her? My emotional side says have her trained. My very small practical side says to sell her. I just don't know! I am going up to the ranch to see them this weekend with Brianne & Alexa.
The ranch has been such an escape for me. I have been able to just leave everything here and go recharge. I have become connected to the people there, to the world I am able to live in when I am there. That may not make sense to you. It is hard to explain. I love my family, my friends. I just don't love the hole my grief creates in my life. I try to keep it at bay so I can deal with my everyday life and try to be what everyone needs me to be. It builds up until I need to get away and release it, I need to just be somewhere else to recharge and prepare to do it all over again for a few weeks. With the horses closer I can see them more, make them a part of my everyday world. Maybe that will help me recharge more often and release stress easier. It will be better for the horses to be worked with more too. So there are alot of elements to consider. I know it is a positive thing to move them, it is just being sure I am moving them to a good place, and I am making the right choice. It is almost like choosing a babysitter, I don't want a serial killer taking care of them!
So enjoy your weekend and I will enjoy mine. I have alot of thinking to do!

Greta & her Umbrella!

I couldn't photo shop a picture of Greta with an umbrella, and I couldn't get my drawing to scan. So I will let this pic fill in for her. Although Greta's umbrella was bigger, and she was maybe squatting more than sitting.. I think... of course I didn't see her, or get to see what she saw.... you'll just have to ask her about it to get the details! It was on our way to Savannah last weekend. She & I took a quick overnight trip , just the two of us. It was a long trip up, alot of traffic. We ate at Paula Dean's Restaurant Sat. night and then put on our jammies and watched movies in our room. We slept in on Sunday then checked out Tybee Lighthouse and the pier. It was a great break. By the way, Greta can now say, " Mirror, mirror on the wall, I've become my mother after all!"

In Awe of Faith..

http://conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com/2008/03/zechariah-912.html

I cannot figure out how to post the video of this myself, so go to this link and be amazed. I have said before that my faith in God is in question. I can still be in awe of the faith of others and this family has humbled me for quite some time now.

I've become a Beggar!

Hunter's school is having a Spring BBQ & Auction in April. I have been soliciting businesses for donations of services, merchandise, or gift certificates. I have about 25 I have been working with. I don't want to hound them, but I want to get it done and know what we will have for the auction. There are 800 students at the school, but they have the hardest time getting anyone to volunteer or help with any of the events they do. It drives me crazy. I don't have much free time, but I feel like it is part of parenting to be involved and help better the school that my children attend. You would think local businesses would want to be part of the community as well and have their name put out there as contributing to the welfare of our kids. It can be frustrating to get so little response from both sides. But I will keep trying, like a dog with a bone, I won't give up or give in. So a begging I will go.. Hi Ho Hi Ho!

Clothing Optional?

Lately Tristan has preferred to run around the house in just his underwear. When we come home from going somehwere he strips within minutes of coming through the door. I will tell him to get dressed in the morning and he wants to know where we are going. If I tell him we aren't going anywhere, then he says he doesn't want to get dressed. I guess I could make him put on clothes, but seriously, why? Is it a battle I really need to fight? He has his blanket if he gets cold, and he knows he has to get dressed if he wants to go play outside. Alexa is usually the opposite. She gets up and wants her clean underwear and clothes as soon as she has her milk and is fully awake. In the grand scheme of things it isn't a big deal to me. So I suppose you could consider our house clothing optional.. if you are 4 years old anyway! Otherwise.. please dress accordingly!

End of a long day!

End of a long day! 3.23.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

The end of two long days actually. Yesterday we went to the Fraternal Order of Police Easter party. Sounds like a big deal doesn't it? Well, it really isn't. They have burgers & hot dogs, chips, soda & popcorn for everyone. That would be great if the burgers were at least warm. They have one bouncy castle and one mini basketball hoop game to occupy a couple hundred kids. They got an odd looking bunny bag, sort of a Christmas stocking made to look like a bunny. They got a bag of candy with it, so when they did the egg hunt, the eggs were empty. The goal was to find the one egg with a prize ticket inside. The kids didn't think the empty eggs were so great and were disappointed that the lines for the bouncy castle were too long, so we left and went to the movies to see "Horton Hears a Who". They really enjoyed that. Then we came home and dyed Easter Eggs. By the time that was done I was beat! Brianne spent the day with us too along with a little girl she watches who is 2 years old. I don't think I have ever spent an Easter away from my children. I can't count all the dyed eggs I've helped them with over all these years. Those poor chickens! Dyed eggs today, deviled eggs tomorrow!
We had some friends & Family over for Easter Dinner. We did an egg hunt (with candy in the eggs) after we ate. It was nice to be surrounded by love & laughter today. Now the kids are watching the movie "Enchanted" with Brenda. Things are winding down. It's the end of a long day, I think I will snuggle up in a blanket too!

Easter 3.23.08

Easter 3.23.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

There are lots of new pix in the photo gallery, so click on this pic and go take a look, I will blog later when things slow down!

Freaked Out by a Field Mouse

I can see the headline now.. "A local woman lost her mind today after being freaked out by a field mouse in her garage!" It was small compared to our guinea pig, which does not freak me out at all. And I have had hamsters and not been freaked out either. So what is it about this little mouse that I have heebie-jeebies just thinking about going back out to the garage? You know where there is one, there are bound to be others.. have you seen the movie Ratattouille? I had planned to clear it out over the next week. I have new storage sheds in the back yard to help make room. Now it is imperative it be done asap, and I am on my way to the store to buy glue traps. I may not want them in my garage, but I do not want them killed either.
It reminded me of a time, almost 25 years ago, when Brian, Kierra & I were moving into a new house. It had been empty awhile. I was cleaning and painting before we moved in. I had cooked a weight watchers ziti dinner and had set it on the stove top to cool off. I had it near the front edge of the stove. I was in the next room when I heard a strange sound from the kitchen. I walked in just in time to see my ziti on the floor and a small field mouse perched on my stove with sauce on his front paws. He scampered away leaving little sauce prints on my stove. I was freaked out then too and pretty upset that my lunch was ruined. We had to use the old fashion traps and caught more than one.
I am not looking forward to the evacuation of our garage tenant and whatever buddies he has with him. The only evidence he was there was just in the one box I found him in. I haven't seen anything else. I guess I can thank the preserve right next to our house for this new adventure. A neighbor had mentioned snakes coming & going, which I have not seen much of, but no one has warned me about mice! Maybe I can find a snake and let it come in and clear my mouse problem.. strange to think I am less worried about a snake than a mouse! Ugh!

Hugs..

Nancy & her guy, Mike, floated on feathers yesterday. I won't go into detail, just click on her link to the right side of my blog page "Nancy's" and read all about it. Wether it was Angel's wings, or Faerie wings.. they were carried through it. My sympathies go out to those who were not so fortunate in this terrible series of accidents. Have you hugged someone today?

Luck O' the Irish/ Happy St. Patty's Day

Do you think, in the days of old,
they chased after the "pot of gold"?
Did they believe, as some still do
Leprechauns dance unseen by you?
___________________________
Luck o' the Irish, send some my way
my luck isn't better than any other day!
I'll kiss a stone, I'll dance a jig
I'll even roast the fatted pig!
___________________________________
With corn beef & cabbage we'll have to make do
til some other day our wishes come true.
A hungry man's treasure some say that may be,
but it doesn't match chasing rainbows for me!
_____________________________
Chase me a rainbow to the other end,
eye the pot those "little people" tend.
A true Darby O'Gill I'll finally be,
and at last the Leprechaun I'll see!
___________
mjs 3-17-08

Buying in Bulk..

Okay, so did you notice it's 4:30 in the morning?? I slept on the couch a few hours, then cleaned the kitchen and am trying to get motivated enough to finish putting away groceries. Why do I have groceries to put away at this ungodly hour? Because Brian & I spent a couple hours together yesterday at Sam's Club. (That is as close as we get to a "date"!) Granted we won't have to go again for a couple months, but putting all this stuff away is daunting! I got all the frozen & refrigerated stuff put up right away. And then I ran out of steam! I have a busy day today, so it is a now, or not til tomorrow, kind of thing. I think I will grab a cup of coffee and let the caffiene decide!

Almost..

I laughed today, traitor that I am, shunning the parasitic ghost that is my grief. It has hung around me alot lately, never far, reminding me it's there. A bubble of joy will escape me, and I look quickly to see who noticed, while that elf called guilt skips around me so I won't forget. The dragonflies and fairies chase him away, sprinkling hope and light in their midst. They help clear a path through the darkness that tries to encompass me. I am not meant to hover in this moment. I feel little wings fluttering me forward, into the light. The breeze they create whispers in my ear, brushes a kiss accross my cheek. I can almost see the sun..

Loving & Liking are not the same!

Do you ever have days when you don't "like" the ones you love? If you are saying "no, not me, I like and love everyone all the time"... Liar, Liar, pants on fire!
Hunter was up at the butt crack of dawn this morning after spending an awesome day at Seaworld yesterday with Terri, Savannah, & Jess. He was supposed to go with me to Disney tomorrow to see a family friend from Nebraska who is performing there. He will not be going. He must have been bored this morning so he got into my tool drawer in the kitchen. I had just gotten a new cutter that folds up like a pocket knife. It has a safety latch and a case to put it in. He managed to figure it all out and proceeded to slice up the back of our couch! There is a nice gaping square in the middle of the back and several slices. After the fear receded that he could have cut himself, the outright anger that he had damaged something so blatantly filled in fast. We talked about how dangerous that knife was and we talked about why he would do that. Of course his answer was "I don't know." Then it was because he thought there were some toys inside the couch, and he wanted to get them out. Good enough reason for a 7 year old, but not good enough for me not to be mad about it! So he is not going to Disney. He will be lucky to come out of his room before he's 30! I am off to find my invisible thread and am hoping a loop stitch will help repair the damage. Our couch sits away from the wall, with the back in full view.. I can't think of many other ways to arrange it with the open set up we have. I Love him, I Love him, I Love him.... but right now I don't like him at all!!

Numbers

This is post #622! And there are 431 photos in my photo gallery! How crazy is that?!

The Same?

Is today just like any other day?
Is today just like yesterday?
So much the same, not much has changed.
So much the same, just rearranged.
__________________________
Yet nothing’s the same, or is it?
Is this my life, or just a visit..
to another world that seems like mine
But in this one things are far from “fine”
_____________________________
The truth lies beneath what can be seen
In another place most have never been.
It isn't a world of our own making,
It isn’t a trip I'd recommend taking.
_______________________________
We do what we can with what we are dealt,
Trying not to show what is so often felt.
Each of us puts on our happy faces,
Making the motions and going places.
_____________________________
Is today just like any other day?
Is today just like yesterday?
Nothing is the same, just rearranged,
Nothing is the same, everything's changed.
_____________________________
MJS started 1.27.07 finished 3.14.08

I Wonder..

What would you be doing today?
What things would you have to say?
Where would you have taken your life?
Would you today, be someone's wife?
______________________________________
Time keeps running, like these questions in my mind.
Yet your smiling face, for me, is still frozen in time.
There are no answers given to me,
about what you'd do, or who you'd be.
_________________________________
Just the silence where your voice used to be
telling your hopes and dreams to me..
__________
mjs 3.8.08

Poop, Pee, or Parmesan Cheese..

Which smells worse when hidden in a room for even a short amount of time? Or what would the impact be if they were combined? That was the smell I came home to yesterday after I volunteered at Hunter's school. It was in Alexa's room and it was foul! Of course, the bodily waste was Tristan's. I am not sure if the parmesan cheese was added to cover it up, or just for fun. I made them clean it up. Then got the rest with the vaccum cleaner. My vote goes for the parmesan. It gets stronger as it sits and the smell lingers longer even after it's cleaned up! I am not sure I will be able to put it on my pasta for quite a long time! Scarier than the smell.. Chad didn't smell it!

She's a Charmer!

I spent most of Monday traipsing around St. Augustine getting donations for an upcoming auction at Hunter's school. I had Alexa with me since we went after her speech therapy. She was quite the charmer. She said hello to everyone and when we went into a store or restaurant she would tell them.. "I like you store/place" I don't know where she picked that up from, but she was quite the schmoozer. I do believe it helped get us alot of the donations!

Let me count the ways..

http://www.jacksonville.com/tu-online/stories/030908/woo_255201236.shtml

This is the link to a story that ran in Sunday's newspaper. A really good article about the man I love, and one of the reasons I love him so much. Kudos to him, and a nod to the reporter who did the interview and "got it".

Lenny 3 9 08

Lenny 3 9 08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Another New Addition.. you see, horses are like potato chips.. you can't have just one! Or two! I will post better pix soon, I just caught him on his way out to the pasture. There is a good one of Bri and Hunter on Lenny in the photo gallery.. page 4 I think.

Horses lend us the wings we lack to fly.. John Trotwood Moore

Signs..

Not everyone believes in signs.. and some people believe every rush of wind is one. I am somewhere in the middle. I can tell you not everything is a coincidence. Even before Kierra's death I had occasion to believe people I loved who had died found ways to let me know they were with me.
Anywho.. I won't list Chad's car tag here.. and I did not notice it when it came in the mail. Chad put it on his car right away, and then Monday morning I was pulling out to take Hunter to school and glanced over.. The numbers are Kierra's birth month & year.. the letters are KLE.. her middle name is Lee. No matter how you think.. that is just wild! I consider it a cool thing for Chad to have with him when he drives. Coincidence or not.

You Stand by Rascal Flatts

(This song played no less than 10 times on different radio stations throughout my day yesterday. It became my mantra!)

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless, like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

'Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend 'til you break

'Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad, you get strong

Wipe you hands, shake it off

Then you stand, then you stand

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon with only one way down

Take what your given before it's gone

And start holdin' on, keep holdin' on

'Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend 'til you break

'Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad, you get strong

Wipe you hands, shake it off

Then you stand, then you stand

Every time you get up and get back in the race

One more small piece of you starts to fall into place - yeah

'Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend 'til you break

'Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad, you get strong

Wipe you hands, shake it off

Then you stand, then you stand

Yeah then you stand - yeah

Yeah, babyWoo hoo, Woo hoo, Woo hoo

Then you stand - yeah, yeah

Over & Over again..

Cause it’s all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can’t take it yeah I can’t shake it No
Over and over again...

What's News...

There was an article in the paper yesterday that really stirred up alot of emotion for me. I know Kierra's death is great media fodder. I know it will be talked about whenever road rage comes up. I get so upset because they quote people's opinions instead of facts, so once again they gave wrong information, which pretty much blamed Kie for her own death, etc. Then they showed a pic of Brian and I with "our van that we made into a memorial for our daughter." They showed a pic of the back corner of the window on the van which shows a fairie with Kierra's name and dates. They did not show or mention the "citizensagainstroadrage.com" that is on both sides of the van, or the "Road Rage Kills" that is accross the back. They used the most ineffective shot they had from their files.
Now I wish I could put into action all the things people tell me to do. "Just ignore it. Don't let it get to you. Shake it off. Remember she wouldn't want you to be upset." Seriously? I can't just switch my emotions off. If I never read a paper, watch the news, or listen to people who call to tell me about it.. then I can ignore it, shake it off.. not let it get to me. But once it is in my brain I can't just erase it. Brian talked to a reporter for the paper yesterday, so I guess we will see what kind of spin he puts on things. That is one of the most aggravating things. No matter what you say, they put their own spin to it. They leave out parts of what you say and fill in their own opinion for the rest. I hate that!
I am off to the ranch this weekend.. by myself.. to regroup, recharge, relax.. ttyl.

My little trooper..

although he isn't so little any more. I am amazed at how Hunter handles life sometimes. I try to explain things to him in detail, in a way he can understand. If he asks me a question, I do my best to answer it, not just blow him off. Whenever we do things I explain to him how things work, and what to do if something doesn't go the way we expect. Once on horseback our saddle slid sideways going up a hill. He was on a ride-along saddle behind me, attached to mine. Most adults would have panicked. But I had told him if something like that happened to just hold on and stay calm. He did great. When someone asked him why he didn't panic, he told them "because my Mom told me what to do."
When I felt sick on Monday, Hunter & I were at the grocery store after I picked him up from school. I managed to get the groceries in and got into the car. I knew I was going to pass out so I told Hunter what happens when someone passes out and what to expect. I told him if he got scared to call his Dad. I was only out a mimnute or less. He was a trooper. He got me a towel out of the back seat and told me to throw up in a pan that was in the car if I needed to throw up again. We waited until I was absolutely sure I could handle driving the half mile to our house, then we went home. I asked him what he thought and if he was scared, He said no, but if I hadn't woken up after a few minutes he would have called his Dad. He also told me I couldn't drive anymore if I was that sick! Of course when I left to pick him up from school I didn't feel that sick, just yucky from an upset stomach. I am glad it wasn't worse and Hunter was my little trooper!

Cali 3.5.08

Cali 3.5.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is Calypso yesterday in the van. She is almost 10 months old (on the 15th) and weighs 70lbs! She wedged herself between the two seats and her rearend is up against the back of the center console to the front seat. She is becoming quite the big girl!

Rosie's House

Rosie's House
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is the deluxe apartment for our new Guinea Pig, Rosie. Hunter named her. (I think it had something to do with when she peed in the box while we were checking out, he didn't think she smelled like a rose!) She is just a baby, and a bit skittish, so she hides in her house alot. Right now she is getting some water, but the minute I pick up the camera she runs. She is black and orange, and quite a cutie. I will post pix when she is better acclimated. What's one more animal at the zoo?!

I saw stars..

I was so sick on Monday I passed out... and woke up to me throwing up.. not good! I was feeling a little better by Tuesday, and am fine now. There is more to the story, but not in the mood to tell it right now. I think not feeling good contributed to my funky mood this week. At least that is what I am going to blame it on for now!

Sat. Night, not Sunday yet for me..

I am glad Tristan has an overabundance of underwear. I have been correcting myself for calling them panties, because I have been scolded and reminded that boys wear underwear.. girls wear panties! Today was day 2 of Tristan in underwear all day. He had a few accidents, but overall has been doing okay with it. I got spoiled with Alexa making the transition so smoothly when she finally made the switch to panties full time. But I will take what I get and be glad I got it! He is on his way and I am thrilled. Alexa has to remind me what a big girl she is and that she keeps her panties dry all day when ever I am praising Tristan for his efforts. I feel like a tennis ball at Wimbledon bouncing between the two of them!

Thrive: to grow vigorously:flourish

It has been such a crazy week. I have been running around with appointments and errands every day! I seem to be doing alot, yet nothing gets done. I fall asleep on the couch most nights and never make it to my PC or get to the calls I want to make before it gets too late at night. I know people think I am the Queen of Chaos, but I am willing to give up my title!
I fell asleep on the couch about 10 pm last night. I woke up when Brian got home sometime around 11 pm. We went to bed about 1 am. Hunter woke up with a bad dream at 1:35 just as we were settling down to sleep. It took Brian & I both tucking him back in at different times to get him settled again. Alexa climbed into our bed about 3 am. At 3:50 am she woke me up as she started throwing up. I sacrificed a nearby shirt to save my bed and floor. I got her to the bathroom for the rest of it, got her all cleaned up and changed and back into bed just after 4 am. at 4:15 she did it all again, including another clean pair of pajamas. So we went out to the couch to sleep at about 4:30 am. Tristan woke me at 5:30 am and refused to let me sleep. He didn't really want anything, just didn't want to be awake by himself. When I tried to get Hunter up he complained he was too tired for school, but didn't want to miss the Dr. Seuss Celebration that Brian is taking him to at school tonight. No school, no Dr. Seuss. He got there late, but he got there.
I am trying to make Chili, Ghoulash, and bread for a teacher Luncheon at school tomorrow. Great start.. I burned the beans! I had plenty of water to begin with, but it burned up before I realized there was a problem. So I am off to the store and get to start over. Before I started cooking I had to figure out how to get a backsplash panel from behind my stove. I had temporarily stuck it to the wall to see if I liked it. It fell behind the stove! Luckily I could remove the drawer of my range and reached it that way. (There is a pic of it in the photo gallery, click on any pic on my blog and it will take you there.) Just another day for us, but boy am I tired! And my day isn't even halfway over. It has been said that I thrive on Chaos... I don't see how when today I feel like I am barely surviving!

Hunter's Shadow

Feb. 2008 Hunter's Shadow
Originally uploaded by mommanana

One of the class Mom's did these for all the kid's for a display they did for President's Day. I am going to have to frame it. I am amazed how much it really looks like him! I have one from when I was a young child. I wonder if it looks like me? I wonder what he will look like when he is all grown up? I wonder what he will be, what he will do? I wonder...

Seriously?

Terry, Dori, Brenda & I went up to the ranch this past weekend for a 4 day get away. It was a pretty good weekend. I hope everyone found some points of interest they enjoyed other than when alcohol was involved! Some words and phrases have been known to trigger uninhibited laughter;

Moots & Schwim Flugles

Deposit Boxes

Wicked Funny

Seriously?

Seriously

TRIS TAN

I have been a bit obsessed with getting Tristan potty trained. We have big discussions about being a big boy, using the toilet like everyone else, etc. The other day was no exception and I was even more zealous in my attempts because Tristan had once again pooped in his pull-up. I had him get the wipes and a clean pull-up and proceeded to tell him again how, when, & where he should poop. He turned to me just as calm and clear as could be.... "Mom, you worry way too much about my poop!"
I have used the phrase to all of them "You worry way too much about ___ (each other, etc.)" It was quite the twist to have it thrown back at me about his bodily functions! In the midst of this exchange Alexa piped in with "Nasty Baby Boy" because Tristan had pooped in his pants. I have told him it is nasty to do that and I have told him babies do that. Alexa decided to make a combo out of it all and tossed it in for good measure! He got so mad. He told her "I am not Nasty Baby Boy.. I am TRIS TAN!" And now you can't call him sweetie, big boy, sugar, or anything other than his name. If you do, you get the same response.. I am TRIS TAN.. all drawn out and loud.
We do tend to take a stand around here and stick to our guns on things.. I guess it is just his turn!

Valentine's Day..

as one of Brianne's friends call it.. Single's Awareness Day! I wish so much pressure/emphasis wasn't put into this one day. The stores are crazy and the restaurants are overbooked. It is such a huge Taboo for a person not to acknowledge this day with their significant other. People's feelings get really hurt when they are overlooked. But why just today? Is it okay to be overlooked the rest of the year? Or do we hold out hope that this one day will be important enough for us to be shown how much we are loved. Sure.. material things don't matter.. it's the thought that counts.. yeah right. I am fortunate that Brian thought of me, he even got cards for the kids to give me. He took today off. (That is HUGE!) We ran errands and had an okay, quick lunch at a local eatery. We tried to get into Olive Garden for lunch.. it was a madhouse. We remembered a Valentine's Day when we went out to dinner with friends. We spent 4 hours at Red Lobster and the meal was awful! We don't have that kind of time to waste anymore. So we are home with the kids. No big bucks spent, no pressure to do something spectacular, we've done all that before. We enjoyed spending time together today even if it was just another day in our busy lives. Doing the things we needed to get done. After 25 years I guess it is about time we are comfortable enough with each other that the cards mean alot, but the gift of time means more. I hope you all had a good one in whatever way you celebrated it, if you were able to celebrate it at all.

Men are From Mars...

their own special planet... with their own special language... I've never been there... and I don't speak their language!

And that is all I am going to say about that!

Let them eat cake!

Let them eat cake!
Originally uploaded by mommanana

We took them to Dave & Buster's after pictures on their actual birthday, then last Saturday we had their party at Ollie Koala's. Click on the pic to view more photos in the gallery. They had a blast. The only casualty was Alexa's crown hair clips. They disappeared in the giant play house area. No telling where they ended up or who took them home. She told me I would have to get her more.

There's always more isn't there??

The parts that make a whole..

I have mentioned before how diverse and extended our family is. It has always been that way. No matter how you slice it, there are different parts that make a whole. If you remove a part, the whole is not the same. We are who we are because of who conceived us, even if they didn't raise us. I am proof of that. Kierra was too. And as history repeats itself, so will the twins be whoever they are meant to be. That isn't a negative thing. There have been many times throughout Kierra's life I tried to dismiss who her biological father was. I had very good reasons for that. My mother's reasons for keeping me from my biological father weren't so good. I have had issues with the twin's father in the past. But he is an integral part of who they are. He is as much a part of them as Kierra was. They lived the first half of their lives not knowing him. Now they spend their lives not remembering Kierra. I have to make choices for them based on what I believe to be best for them. I have to seperate my feelings at times from what I feel is good for them. We all have the ability to grow and change. I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I have learned the hard way that life can change in the flash of a second, beyond our control. I watched Alex & his Dad with the kids this weekend. I thought of the picture we must have made all together with them at the zoo on Sunday. And I realized it was a picture of a family trying to make a whole with an important part missing. A picture of a family, diverse and different. All of us trying to find our place in the picture. Knowing it takes many parts to make a whole...

Feb 9 2008

Feb 9 2008
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Isn't this the coolest pic?! That is Alex's leg they are hanging on. He & his Dad came down for the twin's birthday party. They are such happy kids!

Feb 4 2008 All Three

Feb 4 2008 All Three
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Okay, the scanner is up & working. (Thank You Hubby!) I have posted the better pix, so enjoy!

Pictures of Pictures

Feb 4 2008 all
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Click on this photo and see the most recent pix we had done on the twin's birthday, Monday. These are pix of pix because my scanner isn't cooperating. I will post better pix later that you can save and print.
Just couldn't wait to share them!

Hate Being the Bad Guy!

All three kids had Dr. appts today for their yearly check-ups. The Pediatrician they have always had recently moved offices and is just a few miles up the road from us now. I did not realize Tristan & Alexa would be due for shots. Four of them! So needless to say, we tried to seperate them and reduce the amount of drama, but they have very keen ears. Tristan went first and was mad, and cried a little. Alexa saw the needles and the screaming began before the first one! She is our little Drama Diva. She cried longer and harder, and she wanted her Papa RIGHT NOW. We called him when we were all done and she immediately got all pouty and told him all about it. Tristan told him "I got shots and I got a lollipop." No drama, no pouty whine. It has been a couple hours now and she is still throwing me dirty looks. Oh well, I am used to it!

Chaser 8.10.95-2.5.08

Chaser June 2007
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Chaser had heart failure or some type of stroke today. Brianne called me from the Vet. Doing the right thing is so often the hardest thing to do. He will be greatly missed.
We got Chaser when I worked for a Veterinarian when we first moved to Jacksonville. He started out as a bet that you couldn't raise a good dog from bad breeding. I obviously won the bet, because although Chaser's parent's were mean, unsociable chows, he was a sweetheart. He was great with the kids too. He moved out with Brianne just before she got married. Today was a very hard day for her & Justin. For us too. Many people don't consider their pets part of the family. Ours are. I told Hunter.. Chaser is running around with Sasha & Ami and still trying to catch Cadbury!

Feb 3 2008 Alexa

Feb 3 2008 Alexa
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Just a quick preview of her outfit for their birthday pictures tomorrow. We were trying to decide on white tights or blue.. I am still undecided. I think the blue looks better.. but they are just a shade off which drives me crazy!

Tristan

Tristan
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is Tristan straightening his gear for the umpteenth time. It has come in quite handy with his scooter.. he falls alot! He tries to go too fast and takes the turns way too sharp. I have flashbacks of driving with his Mother!

Anise in the sandbox!

Anise in the sandbox!
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Okay, we did the whole sandbox thing for Hunter's birthday and thought the kids would enjoy it so we left it set up. Anise is our "special" dog. She had spinal menengitis when she was about 6 months old, so she will always be the size and mental state of a 6 month old dog. Which means she will always chew and get into things! She is 6 years old now.
The top got left off the sandbox so she took full advantage of digging around and sampling any plastic toys they left inside. She now checks it out everytime she goes outside. The kids think it is cute.. I honestly do too until she tracks the sand inside!