Have you ever heard the phrase..

..avoiding the ghost in the middle of the room? Or something like that.. I guess that is what I have been doing. I couldn't avoid Kierra's birthday on Monday. But I could avoid talking about it.
I can't avoid the feelings. I can't forget how much that day meant for all of her life, and the guilt that I dreaded that day coming. I dreaded the intensity of the emotions it brings. Time has not made it any easier.
We took Tristan & Alexa to the zoo. They fed the giraffes (pix in gallery) and played in the splash park. We made it as normal a day as we could. I can't say how we will deal with it next year. I don't know sometimes how I will deal with it today!
Brian & I put new flowers on the marker where she died. I have come to hate that place, that spot where she left us. I am glad the marker is there to remind the world of what happened and that her life ended there. Maybe it will make them think about their actions while driving, maybe not. I want the marker there. I just don't want to go there. I am filled with such anger and hatred when I go there. I can't make it a place where I can go to remember her, or talk to her. I do that wherever I am every moment of every day. I have things that bring me good thoughts and better memories than that place does.
I think, irrationally, I resent the reminder of where and how she died. As though I can pretend it didn't happen that way or happen at all. So I don't go there. When I drive by it I think I intentionally turn up the radio or think of something else, like a mental "to do" list to keep my mind occupied. I think I would do that wether the marker were there or not. It isn't the marker as much as it is the place where she died.
Grief rarely makes sense. It is a deep crevice and we always seem to teeter on the edge, we who are left behind to muddle through this life that has forever been altered. It is what it is. And we will get through it one day at a time. Because time keeps going, propelling us forward into whatever will come.
Every day I will embrace her, and her ghost, taking her with me wherever I go. But I know there will still be days ahead of me when I will avoid the ghost in the middle of the room, or at least talking about it, because those days it just hurts too much and I need to concentrate on teetering instead of falling. Thank you all for understanding, wether you truly do or not.