Dealing with my demons..

I can't seem to cut a break. I handled Alex's visit and thought I came out of it with minimal emotional damage. I have family crap going on and have actually accepted how I feel as being okay. Not for some people, but for me. I am still gauging the emotional toll of that one. Now I have Kierra's biological father coming to meet the twins with his new wife. Brian & I talked about it and agreed to let them meet the twins. Still working out the details. It is supposed to be later this week. I know we all have our demons to deal with.. but do mine have to gang up on me all at the same time??! My light at the end of the tunnel will be going to the ranch this weekend. I am not sure if it can get me totally out of my funk, but I know it will help, and it will get me out of town! I keep humming.. the devil went down to Georgia!!

Home for Sale..again!

I haven't blogged about the Beckley house because it has been a thorn in my side. We had an offer.. a pathetic offer that would get us barely breaking even. But after going back and forth we finally accepted it. Paid off and off our hands was better than having 2 mortgages every month! I didn't feel good about it and told Brian I wouldn't celebrate til it was signed and done. We ended up with a repair list, more money down the drain! Then his gauranteed financing fell through less than a week from closing. So a month wasted and back to square one! So it is still for sale. Wanna buy a house??

Season of Sorrow

I have tried to decorate for Halloween/fall. I did not realize we had so much stuff. Then I realized we haven't decorated or gotten any of it out since October of 2004! We were on vacation right up until October 31st the year Kierra died and we haven't gotten into it since then. I am trying. The kids love it and that is what counts.
It is like the start of the "Season of Sorrow" for me. So many memories, and the anniversary of her death coming up. I try so hard to put a positive twist to things, and I manage to pull it off most of the time. Keeping too busy to let it drag me down. But it manages to drown me anyway.
So bear with me, and know this too shall pass! Won't it?

Come & gone..

My birthday has come and gone. It was just another day. I did get to go to dinner with Greta Tuesday night. Then Thursday I had lunch with Terri & Dori. Saturday was supposed to be my big date night with Brian. He ended up having to work.. suprise, suprise. So Chad & I went to dinner and a movie. We went to a fondue place for dinner. It was a good time. We don't do much together so it was cool. He even changed his mind from us seeing Resident Evil (Yuck!) to seeing Heartbreak Kid. It was pretty funny. There were a couple scenes I would not have been comfortable seeing with him a few years back, but little shocks either one of us anymore! Nancy called to remind me I am now the same age as her, next in line is Terri, the baby of the group!
Brian got cards for the kids to sign on my birthday. When I got back from Taking Hunter to school Alexa ran to me saying "happy birthday! Happy Birthday to you!" It was too cute.

Forgive..

1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for b : to grant relief from payment of a debt
2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDON: to forgive one's enemies

Sounds simple enough doesn't it? Yet it isn't so simple for me. I can't seem to flip that switch on an old issue that I have dealt with most of my life. I know all the old addages about forgiveness and letting things go. It isn't one thing that caused the issue. It is a lifetime of things. I have tried to resolve how I feel. I just can't do it. I don't expect anyone to agree with me or understand how I feel. Just respect that they are MY feelings. Pretty vague, isn't it? It is family stuff and very personal stuff and I won't air it here. Just venting and letting you all know my head is in a funk right now. Not just from this.. life is what it is.. and some times it is... gray.

Do you see what I see?

Over on Nancy's blog she has some really awesome pictures of the Grand Canyon. There are some with shadows that look like a picture within a picture. Some people can't see what she sees in the shadows. Isn't that the way life goes? We all see things differently. We look at the same world around us, yet we see something different. We can live in the same house and the same thing happens. Wether we are children or adults. Nancy took a photo of rocks and trees that looked like it had faces in it. It was so cool. It was more than just a photo. It is amazing what we can see when we let ourselves see beyond the surface and look with our emotions as well as our eyes. Look around you, do you see what I see?

From Red Roof to the Ritz..

Brenda went with me to the ranch this past weekend. It was a quick visit, but we had a really good time. Even having to stay at a nasty hotel the first night didn't ruin it for us! I usually stay at the ranch or the Comfort Inn. In almost a year I have never had to stay anywhere else. This weekend they were both full! They had a baseball tournament, a college football game in the next town, a dog show, and a horse show.. all this weekend! The only rooms left were at the Red Roof Inn. It was gross! We didn't even want to take our shoes off! We checked out first thing the next morning and recharged ourselves at Starbucks! We survived it and got a room at the Comfort Inn the next night. I told the girls at the Comfort Inn they were like the Ritz Carlton after the red roof experience!
We had great weather and three great rides. The horses were in good moods and there were no mishaps. Who could ask for anything more?! We got back into town in time to meet Terri, Dwight & the kids at the Shrine Circus Sunday night. It was fun to see the twin's reaction to their first circus. Terri's brother Chris, his daughter and her friend, Brianne, Justin, his sister-in-law, and her 2 daughters all went too, so the kids had lots of laps to sit on and lots of circus food to try. It wasn't a big circus, but it was a good show. I have to get the pix from Brenda that she took for me and I will put them in the photo gallery for everyone to see.

Tortuga 9-23-07

Tortuga 9-23-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Isn't she getting big?!

Alexa & Tristan

Alexa & Tristan on table
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Cricket took this 9-1-07. I am forever amazed at how beautiful they are and how they can bring sunshine into my darkest days..

I may be crazy.. probably..

There is a song with those words, don't know the title or who sings it, just a catchy tune. I have been humming it for hours now as I try to finish a project I VOLUNTEERED to do for Hunter's class. I VOLUNTEERED to help in Hunter's class, now I am class mom. I VOLUNTEERED to help one half day each week, now I am covering 2 half days. I also did all the coordinating and scheduling for the VOLUNTEER schedule. I hear or see the word VOLUNTEER and I shudder. I VOLUNTEERED on several sheets for various school activities at Hunter's orientation. New community, new school, I figured it would be good to help where I can. I have also been asked to be the liason between the school and the development we live in. Did I say NO...no, not yet, I said I would think about it. I think this is one of the extremes my friend was talking about!

A big THANK YOU to my sis-in-law, Lisa, for finding the graphics for the kid's pirate day t-shirts. I am ironing on 19 of them as we speak, (ok, type). A big THANK YOU to my sister, Cricket, for helping me get the darn thing reversed. I know it is normally an easy process, trust me, it was a pain in the ---! But it is almost done so I can take them in tomorrow for my afternoon to VOLUNTEER, so they can wear them Wednesday. Oh, I almost forgot.. I VOLUNTEERED to co-chair as zone captain for JACKPOTT in St. Augustine!

VOLUNTEER= CRAZY!!!!

Selfish Pleasures..

I have had quite a week. What hits me is that it wasn't really out of the ordinary, just crazy, chaotic, same stuff, different day. I did get to go Kayaking with Terri early Saturday morning. It felt good to get out on the water again. We joined a Jacksonville women Kayaker's group and they are always planning paddles both local and around the state. They have one coming up in North Georgia the beginning of November that sounds like fun. It isn't quite as therapeutic as horse back riding, but close. You are out in nature, no phones, no people other than whoever you are paddling with. It is exercise, but relaxing at the same time. One of my selfish pleasures..
I put myself on a see-saw about being a selfish person, yet I don't think I live a selfish life. I want what I want, but I try to give back and do for others too. I asked a friend about it and she said I go from one extreme to the other. I doubt I will ever understand my own psyche, and I am not sure which comes first.. the things I do for the kids, school, different groups, friends, family, etc. or the things I do for myself.. the horses and, now again, kayaking. I run myself to a frazzle, rejuice my psyche for a weekend, then jump right back in. Or I indulge in my pleasures, then run myself to death to rid my guilt.. use the weekend rejuicers, then do it all again.. hmmm, perhaps a bit of both? I don't even know if it matters.. just one more thing on my mind in the middle of the night!

Chorus of Lady Gray by Cheryl Ladd

Oh, I feel so blue today

I call this mood Lady Gray

Blue is much too bright to be

The way I feel these days

Blue is sky,

Blue is sea

Gray is nothing

just like me.

I think of how it used to be

and it sure gives me the grays...


This is the only part of the song I have remembered for almost 28 years now. I have her debut album and this chorus has run through my head so many times. It seems to fit my mood lately.
Lots going on, just not in the mood to blog about it. I go through the motions and do the things I am supposed to do. I'll try to be more upbeat before I blog again!

Tristan & Brian 9-2-07

Cricket took some awesome shots while she was here for our parent's party.. lots more to come..

click on the pic to see some other shots she took..

Tristan & Brian 9-2-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is one of my favorites!

Dad, Mom, & kids 9-2-07

Dad, Mom, & kids
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Okay.. here is who everyone is..
Cricket, Dad, Me, Tina, Greta, Tom, Robyn..
then in front is Roy Albert & Mom.

Mom on Roy Albert's motorcycle!

Mom on Roy Albert's motorcycle!
Originally uploaded by mommanana

She was actually revving the engine! Later that night I got the chance to ride on this bike with my little brother. We went from my house to North Jax where Greta lives.. a solid 45 minutes to an hour. It was awesome! I will admit my butt was numb by the time I got there, but it was well worth it. Not just the fact that it is a great feeling to be on a motorcycle, but I got to do it with my brother. One of the highlights of the weekend for me!

Alexa with the chimpanzee 8-27-07

Alexa with the chimpanzee 8-27-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana

These two were so taken with each other! View more pix by clicking on this one and browse through my photo gallery.

Father, Father..

The past 2 weeks have given me very different definitions of that word. I have viewed it from several perspectives and come up with varied opinions. It is just a word after all.. or is it? Father, Dad, Daddy, they all inspire different thoughts and meanings for all of us.

My father, Stanley, died in 1998. I didn't know him very well until I was an adult. I wish I had more time with him. I wish I had known him better. He was my Father.

Kierra called Brian Daddy from almost the day she met him. She always considered him her Father. Even when she was older and met her biological father, she always felt Brian was hers. She changed her name to Shore when she was 20 because she wanted the world to know it, and gave Brian the papers as a gift for Christmas. Those bonds are stronger than if she had been born to him.

Brian has a hard time with the twins calling him Daddy. They call him Papa too, which is his preference, but they call him Daddy more and more lately. The Dr. says it really is just a name to them, we are the ones who attach meaning to it.

Alex came to visit a couple weeks ago. They called him Daddy Alex, Dad, but most often just Alex. They didn't understand who he is or what the term Dad or Daddy means in connection to him. He was someone new who gave them his undivided attention for a few days. He took some great pictures. I will post them on the gallery over the weekend. I took a few at the zoo that I will post as well. He is off to California. We didn't get into any heavy discussions. I think it was all a bit overwhelming for him. It is for me some days too!

My Mom & Dad just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. He is legally my step-Dad, which has never counted for me. He is my Dad. Greta & I threw a huge suprise party for them and also to celebrate my Mom's 75th birthday. (Between that & Alex I have been swamped the past couple weeks.. hence less blogging!) It was full of emotional moments and lots of suprises. No matter what went on behind the scenes, the party was a hit. My Mom said it was all she had dreamed of. My Dad couldn't believe all we had done and that so many of us were there. 6 out of my mother's 7 children were there. And 1 of my Dad's 3 daughters came as well. He was so glad to see her there. I never had a doubt about inviting his daughters to the party. They are his children too. They didn't see him much growing up. There were alot of reasons why. Their Mother has passed on several years ago and they have gotten closer to him as adults. Watching the video was hard for her, and made her realize not all the things she was raised to believe were true. It was an opportunity for old wounds to heal and hopefully bring them closer together. He is her Father, but she doesn't have the bond I have with him as my Dad. His blood may run through her veins, but it runs through my heart. I hope she gets the chance to have that with him. I have never consciously seperated the categories of siblings in our family. My mother had 5 children when she married my Dad. I was the youngest of those 5. My younger brother and sister are their children together. I never considered them anything other than my brother and sister. I didn't talk about them as my half brother and sister. We were all raised together. It was a kick this weekend to introduce them as my "baby" brother and sister! So as you can see, our family tree has many branches. Some stronger than others, some a little weak, but with support they will grow strong again.
Multiple meanings of what a Father is, can be, and should be. But so much more than just a "word".

Mrs. Brocksmith & Hunter 8-24-07

Mrs. Brocksmith & Hunter 8-24-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana

First Day of First Grade!

Whole lotta changes goin on!

Thursday night a few of us girls got together for a farewell dinner for Savannah. She is off to a semester of college in England! There are a couple pix from Harmonious Monks in the photo gallery.. take a peek, they are cute. It is a fun place on a busy night. It was slow Thursday, but we made our own party as always! So many changes going on.. Nancy out west, Savannah accross the ocean.. wowser..

Brian & Hunter Silly 8-23-07

Brian & Hunter Silly 8-23-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Brian & Hunter wanted to do one serious pic (click on this pic to go to photo gallery) and one silly pic.. Hunter thinks it is so cool he can curl his tongue! He is very excited to start school and is doing great with the transition to a new school and new kids. We look forward to a great year!

Chad in Tux 1991

Chad in Tux 1991
Originally uploaded by mommanana

He is now 21! We went to Red Lobster on Tues 8/21 for his birthday. Hard to believe time can fly by so fast!

It's all a Blur!

My days blur together! It confuses me.. and I am sure you too.. when I have been up since 4:30 am (Sunday) and am still up at 2 am (now Monday)! My today was yesterday, and my tomorrow is today!!
I was up at the butt-crack of dawn to ride with Terry to take Nancy & her sister, Susan, to the airport. Nancy now lives out west! She text messaged me throughout the day and then called me tonight. It seems unreal to me that she is now so far away, not just down the road. Alot of changes going on.. although she said they have palm trees mixed in with cactus and Flagstaff is just a cooler St. Augustine!
I am up so late working on a project that I will tell more about at a later date. It's a secret! I am driven to get it done and I am on a time crunch to do it.. what's one more thing, right?! I am not doing it all alone, so that is a big help. I am going to shut things down and try to get some sleep, wish me luck!

Bri, MJ & Amanda 8-14-07

Bri, MJ & Amanda 8-14-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana

All dressed up for Michael Buble'

Bri, 23! 8-13-07

Bri, 23! 8-13-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana

A Snake in the Grass..

I have been busy since getting back from the ranch. The Beckley House had an open house today, so I have been over there sprucing it up and getting it ready. The realtor called to say his assistant was handling it and she had someone heading to the office to write up a contract.( don't get too excited, we haven't heard anything else about that!) There was a couple last night when I was finishing up cleaning who came to look at it and were supposedly very interested too. So the prospects are good and it is getting shown alot. Then I got a call that there was a problem. There wasn't a snake in the grass.. it was in a bedroon closet! A black rat snake was in the closet in one of the back bedrooms. The girl who was there was deathly afraid and bolted out and left. I got a neighbor to go over and remove the snake, but it put a real damper on my open house! I haven't heard anything else, so we will see. I hadn't checked the closets because it is new carpet and it was cleaned last week. I am sure it got in when my repair man was working and left the back sliding door open or when the house was being shown. We have wetlands behind that house and a couple snakes live under the back deck. It has been so hot lately, I am sure the cool air coming from the house was too much of a temptation! Always excitement at the Shore house!

The Deer Did It!!

I once again am paying for my impetuous nature! On Monday the girls & I rode with a group. It was Amanda's first time there and you have to go with a guide the first time so they can see how you ride, etc. Barney & I stayed to the back of the group. He was getting ansy and really wanted to run. We were waiting for our guide, Blane, to finish helping a couple other riders. I decided to take Barney up ahead and take a little run. The minute I gave him the signal he opened up and was flying. It was sweet! Until a baby deer jumped out from behind a fallen tree and sprinted accross the trail in front of us. Barney reared up and did a complete turn around before coming back down on his front feet. When he came back down we were very close to a tree and I was leaning right, which put my head in direct line with that tree. I immediately swung myself to the left, while Barney veered right to go around the tree. So you can see where the problem occured. I went left, and he went right. I knew I was going down, but other than grabbing his mane to help slow me down, there was little I could do. I landed on my back, hitting my head and left elbow on tree roots and hard packed Georgia clay! I had an ostrich egg on my head and a major bruise and pain on my left elbow. Despite that, I was determined not to go back to the group walking my horse because I couldn't get back on! I found a big chunk of a tree they had been cutting, so I hefted it to an upright position and used it as a step up to get back on Barney. He is over 16 hands, which is 8 feet tall at his withers. I am 5 foot 2 inches.. a tad short to reach the stirrups and heft myself up! We rejoined the group just as they had come looking for me. I didn't mention being thrown until we were back at the barn and they could see the back of my shirt covered in clay! Marei teased me that they will have to put velcro on me and my saddle! I reminded her it wasn't my fault or Barney's.. the deer did it!! Of course I was told to "watch out for the deer!" the rest of the trip!

Bri's Birthday trip..

Okay, I just realized I am on my home PC, not my laptop.. all the pix from Brianne's birthday are on my laptop.. so I will do a little catch up chat, then post pix later! I took Brianne, & her friend Amanda to the horse ranch for Bri's birthday. We had to stay at the Comfort Inn in town because the ranch was full. For whatever reason I could not get a good wireless connection at the hotel. We went up Sunday night, went riding and had a birthday lunch for Bri at the ranch on Monday. I had called ahead and they made her a cake. She was very suprised! We met a woman from Canada, Jody, so she joined our group for meals & riding. She went into town with us to shop on Tuesday as well. It was fun. We went to Atlanta on Tuesday night to see Michael Buble, He was great, and very funny! Alot funnier than the warm-up comedian they had on before the show! Always up for adventure we stopped at an IHOP on our way back to Madison after the show. It was very late, and we were not in the best part of town! It was one of the worst meals I have ever had, but the night was awesome anyway! We rode Wednesday morning then headed home. It was a really good trip. My baby girl is 23 now!

Too Many Emails!

I have not been on my computer for almost a week.. and I had over 137 emails!! So I will catch up on blogging, and get to what emails I can asap. TTFN

Pony Pix Alexa 8-11-07

Pony Pix Alexa 8-11-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana

She loved it!

Pony Pix, Tristan 8-11-07

Pony Pix, Tristan 8-11-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana

There is another pic when we tricked him into looking up, just click on this pic and it will take you to my photo gallery, more photos are on the right, just click on browse to view them! He would not ride.. guess we will have to work on that!

Pony Pix 8-11-07 Hunter

Pony Pix 8-11-07 Hunter
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Today was birthday party day. This morning we had a party for our old neighbor's son. They had pony rides. Hunter and Alexa Loved it.. as you will see.. Tristan did not! Hunter informed them it was a nice pony, but his horse was alot bigger! Alexa loved it.. she rode over and over again. When you mention riding the pony her face lights up and she says.. MY PONY! We went to another party this afternoon at Ollie Koala's.. lot's of games, etc. Alexa kept asking where the pony was? When I told her no more pony she was not happy!

Cali after surgery..Conehead!

Cali after surgery..Conehead!
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is Cali "after"! She is doing great, and although she doesn't like the cup on her head.. she hasn't shown any signs of pain or tenderness which is really good. This is our vet's alternative to the old procedure of stinting and wrapping the ears which does not allow airflow and proper healing of the stitches. So far so good. Will have more pix when the cone comes off!

Cali 8-7-07 12 weeks

Cali on way to vet 8-7-07 12 weeks
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Cali got spayed on Tuesday. The vet agreed to do it while she was getting her ear surgery done since she is a bigger dog and it would save us the cost of two seperate surgeries. I decided to get her ears trimmed not because of the cosmetic look of the average Great Dane, but because we have had constant problems with our Mastiff's ears which hang down like Cali's did in this picture. we have rarely had issues with our chows, whose ears stand up and get plenty of air. I wanted to avoid those problems with Cali. So here she is "before"..

Half Full, or Half Empty??

Admittedly, I guess I am a half empty type person. There are times I try not to be, but it gets the best of me. So how do you become a half full person? Or is it something that is part of our base personality? There are aspects of my life that really suck. People I have to deal with that drain the positive energy right out of me.. and before you tell me to scrape them off.. for unchangeable reasons I can't.. so how do I convert that to something constructive? I am very blessed. In so many ways life is good for us. That does not erase what we have been through, but it helps us get out of bed every day and carry on. Most days my glass is more than half full, until someone bumps into me and makes me spill it all over myself!! And then in the words of Alexa.. I just have to... "clean it up!"

Still For Sale!

The Beckley house is still on the market. It has been shown twice. No bites. I just reduced the price, put out a new flyer and the realtor is setting up open houses.. sell baby sell!!

Pain sucks!

I am in pain tonight. I even broke down and took a mild muscle relaxer. I refused anything stronger and now wish I hadn't! My physical therapist is concerned I have long term or permanent damage. Or it may require surgery to hopefully correct the problem. He tried some new things yesterday and I have been in pain ever since. I am going in tomorrow to have some readjustments done and hopefully relieve some of this pain. I was supposed to pick up the glass door Nancy finished for me and I realized there was no way I could lift it, or even help lift it the way I feel right now. I will have to get it next week. I had a hard time just putting groceries in the car and moving around putting things away and dealing with the kids. This is the worst it's been in a long time. I am tired of all the limitations this injury has caused. I am tired of being sore & tired! I am frustrated that it is one more thing in my life that I have little control over!!
Okay, done whining. Tomorrow will be a better day!

The Phone is not my friend!

At least not lately. It is a funny thing that reminds me of when the older three were little. I would be on the phone and every other sentence would be interrupted with me reprimanding the kids, or rescuing them from a near disaster. It was just as funny when the person on the other end was doing the same thing! They have little built-in censors that tell them when you are on the phone they cam run amok! It is the same with these three. I have learned at times to apologize and end the call. It sucks to limit what little grown up contact I have. The twins have been really arguing alot lately. They are more outspoken and very vocal. All that time we wished they would talk more.. and now you can't shut them up! Tristan especially. His speech therapist mentioned it yesterday after his therapy. At least I know I am not the only one he can drive crazy in a short amount of time!! I try to remember to call people back later, but later is usually very late at night and I get sidetracked or fall asleep on the couch. So please don't think that I don't want to talk to you, or that I didn't mean to call you back. Call me late at night anytime! It just is what it is..

Girls Gone Wide

girls gone wide
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Closer view.. I like this one alot! Terri, Dori, Nancy & I.

Time keeps on slippin, slippin, slippin..

..into the future. (old song lyrics!) I have not been online much lately. I had every intention of blogging the other night when I was working ona project.. until I realized it was 5:30 am and I had not been to bed yet! Now it is almost 4 am and I have to be up with the kids in 3 1/2 hours. So.. hi ho, hi ho, it's off to bed I go!

Girls Gone Wide 2007

Grils Gone Wide 2007
Originally uploaded by mommanana

I promised to post a picture of all of us in our outfits.. here ya go!
Terri, Dori, Nancy & Me July 28, 2007.

Visits..

Brian's brother, Alan, came for a visit a couple weeks ago. Now his Uncle Charles has dropped in for the weekend to go to a wedding. It has been nice to see them both. Brian was able to take a day off and do a few things with Alan while he was here. He has worked all this weekend, but has tomorrow (Sunday, today) off so he can spend some time with his Uncle. Uncle Charles used to visit us when we lived in England. He has a habit of last minute visits, or just dropping in. He reminded me of some times when he visited us and the time we went to London to ship one of Sasha's puppies to Germany. We went to several places and had a really good time. I can't believe he is 80! He drives a little two seater convertible sports car and travels quite a bit. He wants to come back up sometime to go kayaking with me! I thought the kids would be too much for him to handle, but he has done well. Brian is thrilled because people visiting means the house gets a good cleaning and I cook!!

The Unexpected..

I ran into an old friend of Kie's the other day. I was in a store and as he walked by with a stack of boxes in his hand we both noticed each other. It took a couple seconds, then we both said "Oh My God!" He dropped the boxes on the floor and gave me a big hug. We caught up on several things, and of course talked about the twins. I was able to talk about Kie without breaking down in tears. She cared for him alot. I know for a time she even wished they could be more than friends. I wonder sometimes how different things would have been for her. We can all look back at our lives and wonder what if. There are so many different paths to choose from. We never know exactly where they will take us. Sometimes the best looking path turns out to be the worst. And other times, the rockier path takes us to the most beautiful places. It felt good to see her friend, good to share her with him for a few minutes. It was unexpected, which is how she comes to me alot lately. In unexpected places, in unexpected ways...

The Diva Don't Dunk!

All three kids finished swim class Thursday. Hunter did great. He knew how to swim fairly well under water, but this helped him learn how to swim better. Tristan is a fish! He dives in and swims very well under water. Part of the process is learning to "bob" or "dunk" yourself under water to the bottom then push yourself back up. Hunter and Tristan had no problem doing that. Alexa on the other hand, never did complete that task. It wasn't so much the going under part.. she didn't want to get her hair wet! And if they got her hair wet or tried to dunk with her she would wait til they were done with her, then she would walk to the pool steps and sit, refusing to do anything else. She loves the water, but the Diva don't dunk!

Three stooges 7-14-07

Three stooges 7-14-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Lots of new pix to see, so click on this one and check out the photo gallery!

Girls Gone.....

This is the front of some t-shirts Dori had made for her, Terri, Nancy & I. Back about 30 years ago we were "Girls Gone Wild". Now we have progressed to "Girls Gone Wide!" Nancy got us a room in Savannah for the weekend and today we are all wearing our t-shirts with black capris and little black shoes. It is too cute, although it has been years since so many people stared at my chest! More pictures to follow..

Barney's new theme song..

The Electric Slide... it's electric! I had intended to let Brianne ride Barney while we were all at the ranch last weekend. I was looking forward to riding their new Percheron, Lola. I usually don't get on Barney until we are all ready to go because he gets ansy when there are alot of other horses around. Well, Brian needed a new girth for his horse so we all had to wait. Brianne had already gotten on Barney & I was already on Lola. Barney started prancing and wouldn't listen to Brianne. She kept trying to get him away from the fence and he kept turning the opposite way and then backing up. I noticed he was getting more and more aggravated, so I tried to get off Lola. She had started getting tired of waiting too, so every time I started to get off she would move forward. And the more I tried to move Lola toward Barney, the more agitated he got until he backed himself all the way into the fence.. an electric fence! It took him a full second or two to realize it, and then he bolted forward, causing Brianne to drop one of the reins, which can be dangerous for both of them. She regained control just as I finally said screw it and got off Lola while she was moving. She realized while I was swinging down that I was getting off and finally stopped. I gave her to Brian and went over and got Barney. I got on him and after a minor attitude adjustment (almost running him into the pond.. he hates water!) he finally straightened up and did great. It all boiled down to him not wanting any other rider but me and not wanting me near another horse. I am having some of the staff there work with him and I will work with him when I go back up as well. I don't want him to become so solitary and posessive. He has been acting up when we are around other horses, but Brianne had ridden him before and so has Brian so I didn't think it would be a problem. This is a new issue. The only casualty was a pair of my sunglasses that broke when I got off Lola. So Barney has a new theme song!

Over a week??

I can't believe it has been over a week since I last blogged..
The Beckley house is on the market, spent alot of time finishing that up. Just a few finishing touches and I don't have to run back and forth dealing with it!
Brian & I got away to the horse ranch, got there very late Sat. night and came home Monday..Thanks Terri, Dwight & Savannah for watching the munchkins!
Brianne & Justin were at a Smith family reunion not far from the ranch so they joined us. More about that on the next blog entry!
Tristan has a couple new phrases.. "how about a snack?" or "how about a drink?".. everything is "how about". And then there is.. " whatchya got dere?" (What ya got there?) He asks about anything you have in your hand, a purse, groceries, food, drink, whatever. He will also tell me, "I'm tired, can I go night night?" Usually we are in the car. I will tell him "sure, go ahead, just close your eyes". He will actually fall asleep within minutes.
Alexa insists on getting dressed within a short time of waking up, including getting her hair combed, etc. If she messes up her hair she wants it fixed right away, then she pats her hair and asks" it pretty?" Of course I tell her it's beautiful!
Hunter is ready to go back to school. He says summer is too long for kids. They all have swim class 4 days a week for 2 weeks starting on Monday. Busy, busy!

Cricket's photo published!! ( sort of..)

Cricket takes awesome pix and she entered Jacob in this contest.. and he won! So look in your local grocery store for his pic on the label!

Bring on the Bon-bons!!

Okay.. call it whining if you want.. but it's my blog & I'll whine if I want to!
I now have 9 standing appointments per week.. Tues-Fri! How crazy is that!!
Here is a breakdown of our day today (and most Tuesdays)..
Get everyone up & out by 8am
Take the twins to daycare 30 miles from new house (Hunter chose to stay home with Chad)
Go to my 10:00am appt for physical therapy at Brooks (neck & upper thorasic spine) (15 mi. from Daycare)
finish at 11 am.
Go to Home depot for supplies for Contractor.. Beckley house..(didn't have what I needed)
Go back to Daycare to pick up twins.
Go back to Brooks for Tristan's speech therapy appt.
Stay for Alexa's speech therapy appt. (keep one occupied while the other has therapy)
Go to other home depot.. with twins.. for supplies (4 panels siding, 20 bags mulch)
go to Beckley house to unload supplies.. by myself.
(usually would have 4:00 Karate for Hunter.. didn't go today.. goes various days 2X wkly)
Go home!
Add Jackpott meetings when I can make it, plus I made another trip to the St. Augustine Home depot to get a vaccum on clearance for Chad's room upstairs..
Fridays are as crazy as Tuesdays. Then Hunter & I alternate Therapy every other week. I have mine this Thursday, he will have his next Wednesday.
It will be loads of fun when they have swim lessons 4 days a week for 2 weeks added to the mix!
I guess it isn't so much whining as agravation when some people think because I am not "working" that I have a leisurely day, and have so much "free" time! As if!
Squeeze in housecleaning, cooking, and so on, and so on.. when I am not too beat to bother..not to mention any other appointments that come up. I need to go to the school board and register Hunter for School. I have to go meet with my lawyer, I have to go downtown to the child support enforcement office because they screwed things up again. I have a garage full of stuff to go through.. it will get done.. I just don't know how anyone can think I am home eating bon bons all day!!

Busy Weekend..

My brother Tommy, & his son, Derrick came up from St. Pete to go to the Pepsi 400 in Daytona. Tommy's son Brandon, his friend Candy, & her 8 month old son, Skyler came down from Nashville to go the races as well. We tested out all our fold out couches and re-arranged a little and it worked well for the couple days they were here. Brian & I did not think the races were a good place for the little one, so I babysat Friday & Saturday nights. He was such a good, happy baby. NO, I did not get baby fever! We did Sunday Brunch to celebrate Randy's birthday and give everyone a chance to visit before they headed back home. Overall it was a good visit, I hope they all enjoyed it.
We got to pick Calypso (Cali) up on Saturday. She is such a good puppy! I am amazed at how laid back and smart she is. She turned 8 weeks old today. Alexa has a problem with her "k" sound.. but when she talks to or calls Cali, it is clear as a bell. Of course when we went to speech therapy today and I asked her the new puppies name, she said Lali!
So between people & puppies, we had a very busy weekend!

Fireworks..

I tried posting this before and it got dumped.. either the blogosphere did it, or my laptop did!
I read the community paper wrong, so we watched the fireworks at World Golf Village out of our front window on the 3rd instead of the 4th! Brianne & Justin brought over some fireworks on the 4th, so we set them off along with several people in our neighborhood. Tristan & Alexa covered their ears from the noise. Tristan got over it pretty fast, but Alexa kept her hands over her ears almost the whole time, even when we took a walk... and when she got to hold a sparkler(!) so that was nixed real fast! It will be fun to see how they do next year.. if I can read the paper right!

We have a Realtor!

After much research and much more soul searching, I decided to go with the Realtor who originally sold us the Beckley house. It is officially on the market! He wants to start showing it Monday. That gives me the next few days to put the finishing touches on it. It seems like it has taken forever to get this going, but we are on our way!! I'll keep you all updated as we go.

Calypso.. "Cali"

Calypso
Originally uploaded by mommanana

She will come home to us in about a week.. yes I am a sucker-fish! She is a Boston marked Blue Merle Great Dane. For now she gets to visit an hour or two here & there. They live right down the road from us. The twins are a bit older and she is big enough to hold her own. Celina is getting into old age and Anise is too hyper for the kids to play with due to her brain damage from when she was young. So along came Cali.. and I couldn't say no!

Brenda's New tattoo..

I saw Brenda's new tattoo yesterday. It is beautiful. It is in the center of her upper back. It is inspired by the artwork of Amy Brown. It is two faeries facing each other, one a brunette, and one a redhead. The brunette has purple wings and the redhead's are pink. Above each of their heads are branches of a tree. The brunette's branches are lifeless, barren. The redhead's branches are partly barren, with the beginnings of new growth.. how profound is that?! It touched my heart because I know what it means to her, and what it meant to me to see it. Yes, I cried. I will not post a picture of it here, and I am not sure if she will on her blog.. It is very personal and should remain one of a kind. Lucky are those who get to see it in person.. I am one.

For all the seasons of my life..

We did have a "Happy Anniversary". As happy as it can be with part of us missing. We exchanged cards, cleaned house, and spent the afternoon with family & friends.. It has been quite an adventure, and it is far from over. I would not wish to travel this path with anyone else.
I will weather all the seasons of my life with Brian. For however long that is, it will always be with him..

Dual Anniversary Celebration..

Saturday night Brianne, Justin, Brian & I went to dinner at the Columbia restaurant in St. Augustine. Brianne & I shared 2 pitchers of their premium Sangria, with champagne, orange liqour, brandy, fruit, white wine.. yummy! Of course we finished the first one before they brought any food! It was fun. I wore a new dress and we walked around a little after dinner. They celebrated 2 years June 4th. We celebrated 24 years July 1st.

Thursday was a Monumental Day!

Tristan & Alexa went potty on the toilet!! In our world that is a VERY big deal! I was spending the day moving (almost) the last of the stuff from the Beckley house and came home to unload the small U-haul I rented. Savannah was babysitting and I thought I would try to get them to go potty for me. I broke down and bought the Mega M&Ms. Yes I bribed them.. and it worked! Alexa sat but did nothing. Then Tristan tried and when I told him he would get an M&M if he peed in the toilet.. he did! Well, Alexa didn't like that we made such a big deal about Tristan doing it, so she peed a little and pooped! TMI for some people, but this is quite the moment here in the world of potty training. It is still a work in progress, but hey.. we are on our way!!
I also finally emptied the Beckley house completely. The inside looks great and now we are working on the outside. Hope to have it listed by the first of next week! So we had quite the day Thursday!!

Bri & Keeley June 26, 2007

Bri & Keeley June 26, 2007
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Speaking of rescuing!

Brianne went to the ranch with me this weekend. It was good to have some time with her. It was too hot to ride in the afternoons, so we rode in the morning, then watched movies and hung out in the afternoons. We don't get to do that very often. She got to ride one of her favorite horses and I rode my boy, Barney.
On the way home we could not resist stopping at a small humane society. I have passed it a dozen times and never stopped because I usually go home on Sunday and they are closed. They had a litter of lab/pitt bull puppies and a 2 year old yellow lab named Keeley. She is spayed, housebroken, trained, and has a very sweet nature. She now lives with Brianne. She has a weak hind leg from surgery to repair a gun shot wound, but it doesn't seem to slow her down much. Brianne wanted another dog, but the puppy thing won't work with her & Justin working so much. Keeley has fit right in. I will post a pic as soon as I get it sent from my phone to my pc. I guess the rescuing thing has been passed down to my daughter!

To rescue, or not to rescue..

I have always been a “rescuer".. Of anyone or anything that I thought needed rescuing. In ways both small & great the people around me make my life better. I often wish I could wave a magic wand and make things better for the people I love. Better jobs, better partners, better children, better lives.. better everything. I know I can’t, but that does not change the wishing.
I do the same with my children. That is not always a good thing. I want them to be independent, yet I want to save them the struggles I went through when I was young. I also want to protect them from heartache, which is not possible either. I could not save them from the loss of their sister, or the twins the loss of their mother. Life happens wether we want it to or not. I will still try to "rescue" when I can, and realize it is okay when I can't.

Family tree..

I have lived my life as part of a blended family. As have my children, and now my grandchildren. Hunter has the most complicated mix of all, and the twins will have quite a lot of extended family members as well. I don’t see a problem with that. Hunter’s biological brother and sister, Cody & Katie, were visiting Greta & Randy for a couple weeks. They spent some time with us too. There are many similarities, and many differences. Hunter has asked questions about whose tummy he grew in, and how he is connected to Nana & Pop-Pop when Brianne & Chad call them Aunt & Uncle. I have given him the basic truths and will explain in more detail as he asks more questions and can understand. I want him to know who he is and where he came from. I want the same for the twins. Above & beyond everything I want for them, I want to do what is best for them. That is part of every decision I make. That does not always make things easy.
Feeling the way I do it is hard for me to understand how some people do not put their children’s best interest first. I watch these people and the heartache it causes their families when they don’t know what to do or how they can help them. Some where in almost every family there is one or more dysfunctional members who keep every one else in turmoil. If you are lucky, you don’t have any of those family nuts in your family tree, or you have learned to keep them at a distance. It is a work in progress for me!

Powers that be..

The powers that be in the internet world would not let me post anything from out of town. No matter how I tried, it just would not post. So I wrote up some drafts and will post them in the next day or so. Sorry for the break in blogging!

The Crew 6-19-07

The Crew 6-19-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Tristan, Alexa, Katie, Hunter, & Cody. Impossible to get them all to sit still and smile at the same time! They were waiting for "movie night" to start. We watched Cinderella III and then the twins went to bed & the "big kids" got to watch The Fantastic Four. I had little theatre type boxes for the popcorn & everything. Listen.. hear that? You don't hear anything?? Me either! They are all asleep!!

Done with Disney!

Friday night Greta and I took Cody, Katie, & Hunter to Disney for the weekend. Call us crazy, but they had never been together and Greta wanted to share that with them. It wasn't bad. The rain stayed away, and the lines weren't as bad as we thought they would be. Over 12 hours at the Magic Kingdom was more than enough to last me a good long while! Sunday we swam in the hotel pool, shopped at Downtown Disney and then headed home. Quite a full weekend. Alot of good memories for the kids, and that is what it was all about!

The power of words..

There are some words I just can't stand. "Hate" is one of them. Now I will say I hate okra, or I hate the sound of nails on a chalkboard. But I don't often say I "hate" a person. It is a strong, emotional word for me. I believe to hate someone you need to really know them, even love them, wether it is a relative or a relationship. There is only one person I feel I truly "hate", maybe two. Would you be suprised to know it isn't Ghazi, the man involved in Kierra's death? I don't know him well enough to "hate" him. I despise him, I wish he had never been born, but I can't say I "hate" him. There are stronger emotions than hate for me. I connect hate with disconnecting myself from that person. So I think you have to be connected to disconnect.
What started this for me today was when Cody said " I hate you" to Hunter when they were arguing about a toy. I explained to him that I don't care for that word when directed at someone else. That hate was a strong word for an argument over a toy. Cody & Katie are not allowed to say "butt", yet he says "hate" without hesitation. I hope he thinks twice before using it again, and it made me think about the power of words..

Rained out..or Rained in?

We made plans to go to the zoo yesterday. Katie & Cody are down from Georgia, so I was taking the kids out for some fun & exercise. It rained the minute I got them all in the car! So we went to the MOSH instead (Museum Of Science & History). They have a dinosaur and ice age animal exhibit. Of course every summer camp in town, that had also planned to go to the zoo, decided to go to MOSH too. It was crowded and loud. We saw a movie on a domed ceiling about a cat that takes a trip to the moon, we saw recreations of all kinds of animals, complete with sounds, and we saw items from different periods of time. Alexa & Tristan spent the whole time with the dinosaurs covering their ears. There were alot of interactive things the kids didn't get to do because it was so crowded. And they have some outdoor areas as well that we missed because of the rain. I bought a membership for just a little more than it would have cost for the 6 of us for just one day, so maybe we will go back next week. They are also part of a nationwide network, so the membership is good all over the state and U.S. as well. Our zoo membership is like that too. Just a couple ways I am trying to keep them busy and myself sane for the summer!

I Feel Like the Rain..

IT RAINED TODAY It rolled in on cottony clouds gone gray with churning overflowing onto the earth where dry dirt lay yearning droplets poured down window panes like thousands of tear drops falling as thunder hammered overhead demanding answers to it's calling just as quickly as it came it halted it's descent sun streaking across it's path steam telling where it went how deceptive the sun seems now after torrents of rain were here just moments before the sun shone down and dried away the tears..

Kierra's babies on her birthday

June 9 2007
Originally uploaded by mommanana

How I wish I could breathe in their joy & zest for life.

Pirate Hunter 06 08 07

Pirate Hunter 06 08 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana

I know you care..

I appreciate everyone caring about me and worrying about me. I can't say getting through Kierra's birthday will be easy, but I will get through it. I don't need to be "rescued" or "watched/ babysat". Yes, I am depressed, but I am not suicidal. I appreciate those who want to try to comfort me, but usually that means sharing your grief and I feel like I have to make you feel better, which I just don't have the energy for today. Any other day I can handle almost anything, but this is not "any other day". So.. know I appreciate how much you all care.. just knowing that you are there helps me. I will not take off for parts unknown, I will not do anything stupid. I will most likely stay home and have a quiet day with my family. I will blog if the mood strikes me, and I will be back in touch with you all on Sunday.

Connected..

The past few months I have been avoiding going to Kierra's crash site. I put up a memorial sign and birthday balloons last night (tonight.. haven't gone to bed). I can't talk to her there anymore. I don't feel connected to her there or maybe I don't want to feel connected to her there. I feel connected to her when I hold her children, or I hold her "Bunky". I feel devastated and so angry there, and I don't want to feel that way when I think of her. I lost her there, and I wasn't there when she needed me.. I don't want to be there now.

Hunter has become a pirate!

Hunter has been at "Auntie Terri's" all week going to Pirate Camp. It has been wierd not having him home. He says Camp is awesome and he has been having a blast. He climbed the St. Augustine light house, discovered pieces of "8", met pirates, and is becoming quite the buccaneer! He will come home Sunday.. I miss him!

Lost again!

The other night the twins were very rambuncious and not in the mood to settle down. So I decided we would take a walk around the block. It was about 8:15 when we started out. I thought it was just like any other neighborhood. It was about 20 minutes later when I realized we seemed to be going around the lake, not the block. I called the house and had Chad flip the back porch light on & off so I could get my bearings. There are very few street lights, so other than some house lights it was pretty dark. I saw the light go off & on... accross the lake from where we were! It turns out "the block" is a very loooong block.. about 1.1 miles! Tristan & Alexa did well and walked the whole way. They went straight to bed and went right to sleep when we got back! At 3 year old speed it took us about 45 minutes. So even in my own neighborhood, I got lost walking around the block!

Long nights..

I had a dream the other morning. Not so unusual to have a dream, but it was unusual the way it intertwined with reality, and picked back up again when I went back to sleep.

I didn’t go to bed until 4:48 am. The dream was actually a memory. A summer trip to Florida when Chad was 10 months old, Brianne was almost 3, and Kierra had just turned 6. I had taken them to the beach. Kierra was splashing in the surf while Brianne sat on the edge of the water and giggled every time it washed over her legs. Chad sat in the sand grabbing handfuls of it and throwing it in the air. The sun was warm and bright. I thought I heard a child calling me, and when I look down the beach it is empty except for 3 small shapes in the distance. I can hear the faint call of a child. I look at my 3 children around me as they laugh and play. For a moment the sun shines so bright I am blinded and when I look again my children look farther away than they were, and the 3 small shapes in the distance seem closer. They are still calling to me, more urgently now.

Tristan woke me up at 5:23 am. I put him back to bed. I go back to bed and the dream continues.

I try to move closer to Kierra, Brianne, & Chad, but the sand keeps slipping from under me. I call to them, but they don’t seem to hear me as they keep playing. I look down the beach again and see the other children coming closer. They are reaching out to me. I am torn. I don’t want to move forward, but I am unable to go back. The new faces before me look familiar. I see familiar eyes looking back at me. The sun flashes again and I know who they are, I know where I am, and as I look back I know the children who were playing there a moment ago will be gone.

Tristan woke me up again at 5:49 am. He wanted a drink. I got him some water and tucked him back in. I went back to bed. The dream came right back.

The beach is empty except for Hunter, Tristan, Alexa, & I. We keep walking up and down the beach. I am looking and waiting for my other children to come back. It is starting to get dark, and then it starts to get cold. I can’t wait any longer. We had to leave.

Brian woke me up about 6:15-6:30. I was not just physically wiped out, the emotion of the dream woke up with me. I do not always remember my dreams, and I don’t often keep dreaming the same dream when I wake up then go back to sleep. I know this dream is full of symbolism, and I know part of the reason for the dream is that Kierra’s birthday is coming soon. It will be a long week, and I think the nights will be even longer…

Paying for my impatience!

The other day I went to the plaza near our house to pick up pizza for the kids. It wasn't ready yet, so I thought I would look around the plaza. I had been wearing a headband on my hair for a few days and most of you know that means it is time for a haircut. Rather than wait and go to one of the 2 guys I trust to cut my hair, I decided what the heck and went into a "Great Clips" to get it cut. I pointed to a photo on the wall and said that is about what I want.. layer and shape the top, leave some of the length. It is butchered! First off it was not even on both sides and so it had to go even shorter to try to even it out. The left side is choppy, and it is VERY short. I can't recall it ever being this short. I have gotten the sides short before, but usually try to leave length on the top when I do. Mousse won't even help because there isn't enough hair for it to do anything. So I am paying for my impatience with horrible hair! Good thing it will grow out.. eventually!

Of course I am different, changed..

I have been told that I have changed, that I am different. How does someone go through something so major, so tragic and not change? And how have I changed, specifically? I feel different, but can't pin point the exact changes. Raising the twins has changed my life, but how has it changed me? I am busier, I am less organized, but I am still me. I don't always feel like I know myself anymore. I don't know who I am supposed to be, or how to live this life. I have tried to keep the relationships I had before. I feel like some people have distanced themselves, or is it me who has pulled away? I have been bothered by some people thinking Kierra's death gave them a clean slate, as if transgressions were forgotten, or forgiven because she died. I am not, nor have I been, a forgiving person. If I was mad at you before, chances are, I am still mad at you. I have never been a patient person. I am still not a patient person. I love who I love and care deeply for those I care deeply for. If my changes are hard for people to accept, trust me, my life is hard to accept every moment of every day.

Coincidence or Communication?

I am a yo-yo. Now quit laughing... what I mean by that is.. I keep bouncing back and forth on what I believe. Hunter will ask me if things are real.. Santa, God, heaven.. I tell him some people believe in them and some people don't. I tell him if he believes in it, then for him it is real. There are times I believe that certain things are "signs" from Kierra, or others who have died. Then there are times I am not so sure. Are songs on the radio just songs on the radio? The day Kierra died Mada's song came on several times.. I would change the station, and it would come on that station, so I changed it again, and the song came on again. Lisa and I even talked about it when it happened. Coincidence, or Communication?
I sometimes think I "feel" Kierra with me. Is it real, or wishful thinking? We have had baby dragonflies at the new house, I have never seen babies before. It made me think of her. But then again, alot of things make me think of her. The wind blew through the trees this morning while I was riding my horse through the woods. It made me cry. Just for a second it sounded like a whisper, I closed my eyes and her face was so clear in my mind. She smiled and I could almost feel her cheek against mine. It was so sudden and unexpected it caught me by suprise. Is my grief so strong that my mind plays tricks on me? Or do I believe she was really there, in that moment? These questions don't really require answers. They are just the rambling of my thoughts. Is my need to believe so strong that my mind provides those moments to convince me? It is better to believe the uncertain, than to accept the certainty that she is gone, will never again be with me, and there is nothing more to it than that.
I am not sure of anything. I do not know what my mind is going to do at any given time. That uncertainty, that loss of control is not a comfortable feeling. There have been times before Kierra's death that I was sure I had signs from people I loved who had died. So why am I not so sure now? I think I am so eager to regain some type of normalcy, some type of control that I need "real", I need certainty. But I want that possibility, I want those moments. Yet I want to know I haven't lost my mind, that I haven't let my grief take over. How do I know the difference?

Slow but sure..

I spent the better part of yesterday (Wednesday) at the Beckley house getting things organized, packed, and out of Sam's way. It is a good feeling to be making headway at last. I have had to do it in bits & pieces and usually by myself. Sam is great motivation for me. It is amazing how much stuff was/is still there. If we have lived without it for this long, do we really need it? Most of it belongs to Brian & I. I noticed when we moved into the rental, then into the new house, that I worried more about the kid's things and the basic necessities. It didn't seem like much, but now that it is in boxes and I have to figure out where to put it.. it is alot! And there is still about 50% of the garage to move, including kayaks. I do see light at the end of the tunnel, which is a good thing.
I spent quite a while scraping wallpaper border from Hunter's room. I thought about all the different colors and themes that room has been Brianne had butterflies at one point, and Tinkerbell before she moved to her own place. Kierra had pixie dust and faeries. It was a victorian guest room for a short time, and ended with Hunter's hot wheels. I scraped while Sam patched and prepped for painting, erasing our imprint.
I will carry my memories as long as my mind will let me, yet it still felt odd to watch what has been our home for almost seven years become a generic shell for someone else to mold and change. I liked the house well enough, but I never felt it would be a forever home for us. Our new house felt more like it was ours the moment I saw it than the Beckley house ever did. It seemed like it was always a transition house for us. Alot like all the military moves we did and all the different places we lived.
I am hoping to never move again. They will have to push me out in a wheelchair or gurney to get me out of here!

Sam I Am...in love!

I am in love with a man named Sam! He is a handyman in our old neighborhood. He did some carpentry work for us before and I forgot he does 101 other things too. I met him at the old house today to do some small repairs and discovered he is my hero. He can do all the things we need done to get the house "market ready," and his prices are really reasonable. So I can breathe a little easier, can trust him to do a good job, and I don't have to run back and forth to meet work men who don't show up! I gave him a key and did a happy dance! We still have some things to move out of it, but this was a huge burden lifted from me. Now you see why I am in love?! (For those of you who don't know Sam.. he is tall, very thin, & 70-ish or older, no worries Brian!)

Weeds..

Brian & I spent the better part of Monday doing much needed yard work at the new house. Compared to what we used to have, we have a huge yard! It was alot of hard work, but since this was the first time we have really done it since we moved in, it should be easier next time. The reward is the beautiful yard we can now enjoy.
While I was weeding I got to thinking about "weeds". Some are deceptively pretty, then they spread and crowd out the plants you wanted there. Others are not so attractive, and some are downright prickly and nasty. Just when I thought I had them all, I found a few more tucked behind a bush or mixed in with my other plants. I was very careful to try and get the whole weed, including the roots, so they won't come back. I was sore and tired when it was done, but looked around me and enjoyed the fruits of my labor.
There are times my mind feels like it is full of "weeds". I try to get rid of the negative thoughts, and the destructive things that tend to grow and spread. I try to keep the depression from crowding out the good things going on in there. From time to time I will realize I did not get all the roots out and something grew back when I wasn't looking. Other times I find something tucked away, hidden with other thoughts. Like my yard, my mind needs frequent tending, a little extra nurturing now and then, and more patience and persistence then I think I have the energy for. Always a work in progress. There are times my mind becomes neglected and overgrown, the job seems too great to get it weeded out. It takes longer than I planned to get the job done. It leaves me sore and tired. Then there are times I can sit back for a moment and enjoy the fruits of my labor, open my mind and see more flowers than weeds. And for that moment all is beautiful and good.

Family Dynamics..

Bless Diane for all the emotions she went through this weekend. I won't go into detail, but it is very similar to any major function or event where family & friends make an extra effort to be part of the celebration. You can't please everyone all the time. I remember Brianne's graduation and her wedding. It can be crazy. Mike & Diane had everyone staying at their house which as sweet and generous as that was, made it all the crazier for her. She juggled everyone & everything well, even her ex-husband.. she is a better woman than me!
No matter what our age we are still driven by our family dynamics. No matter how many years have passed we can still let our buttons be pushed and let ourselves fall into old emotional habits. Then there are the dynamics we marry into. Oh Boy!
It was nice to be there as a bystander and help pull her back from the edge when needed. I wish I had more time with all of them just to enjoy them. We say we will make time, yet time slips away from us too fast. I hope they have settled back into their lives and get a chance to enjoy each other this summer before Justine is off to college and the family dynamics change again!

A midnight run..

Diane, her youngest daughter Vicki, & I picked up Justine (the graduate) from her job at about 11-ish Saturday night. We needed a couple things so we decided to make a midnight run to Walmart, the only place open at midnight! Right off the bat Diane starts things off.. as we are walking in she says.. avoid eye contact with the greeter guy and see if we can get by without him being able to "greet" us. Honestly he wasn't paying much attention so it wasn't too difficult. He was probably a very nice guy, but did look a bit creepy and very sweaty, so we dodged him and giggled our way into produce. Diane about wet her pants! Her girls were giving us a hard time about being loud, so we reminded them it was Walmart in the middle of the night, who cares! So Justine asked if that meant she could skip down the aisle if she wanted to and we said sure.. so off she went.. her sister caught it on video.. it was too cute. We got what we needed and Diane makes a point of saying Goodbye to the greeter guy. I gave her a hard time about being too good to say hello, but it was okay to say goodbye.. she was really going to confuse the guy! It wasn't so much about the dodging or the skipping, it was about letting loose and having some fun to break up all the craziness that goes along with big events & family functions, not to mention a house packed with people. It was good to share some laughter.

Where's the beef?

I have to back track to a very funny memory of Kierra when we lived in Wyoming. She was about 2-3 years old. Brian & I took her to dinner with us to a nice restaurant, Richard's. She wanted a hamburger with lots of pickles. When the food came she opened the burger to get her pickles and at the top of her lungs yelled.. "Where's the beef?!" Her burger was missing the burger! It was around the same time as the commercials with the old lady yelling the same thing. It had everyone in the room laughing. Good memory..
The beef in Nebraska (actually may be over the state line in Idaho according to Mike's sister) is at a place called the Pink Poodle. Hunter & I got in at about 1 pm (1 hour behind our normal time clock) on Saturday. That night we all went to this restaurant for what was supposed to be the best prime rib ever. It was! It was sooo good.. and sooo huge! I couldn't eat it all and I am a well known carnivore. I cooked some of everyone's leftovers up the next morning with onions and mushrooms to go with the frittata I fixed for breakfast.
It was so good to see Mike, Diane, & the kids again. The kids have grown up so much. They were so good with Hunter and he really enjoyed all the attention. Mike was stationed in England when we were there. He was single back then and everyone tried setting him up and marrying him off. I am glad he resisted and waited for Diane. They are a perfect match and make an awesome family. It is beautiful country out there as well. Even when it was 86 degrees there was a nice breeze and low humidity. We had great weather the whole weekend.
More stories to tell later!

Hunter on the plane 5-19-07

Hunter on the plane 5-19-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Hunter & I went to Nebraska to visit with friends and celebrate their daughter's graduation. Hunter flew a couple times as a baby, but this is the first time he was old enough to remember and understand it. He did great! More info about the trip on the next few blogs!

Happy 1st Birthday Tortuga!

Tortuga May 13, 2007
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

She just turned a year old yesterday (today is still Wed. for me, haven't been to bed yet!) the 22nd.

The Monkey 5-06-07

The Monkey 5-06-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

He was drying off the pirate ship after a rain shower.

Poncho & hat made by Great Gramma B

Poncho made by Great Gramma B
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

The Kids 5-14-07

The Kids 5-14-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

A bit fuzzy, but too cute not to show off! They were all playing on the stairs, (the bottom only has 3 steps).

Words & Wishes...

Okay, so I tried to "skip" yesterday. And guess what? It didn't work. I could not escape that it was a Sunday, the 13th of the month.. AND Mother's Day. As much as I tried to make it just another day, it refused to be. Hunter started things off on Saturday night at dinner when he asked me if Mother's day counts when one of your children dies? I told him it counts whenever, and however, someone becomes a Mom. He asked me if Kierra got to celebrate Mother's Day in Heaven? I told him I didn't know, but it would be nice to think she did. I got a little teary, and one of the ranch hands noticed and asked if I was allergic to the smoke in the air.. before I could answer, Hunter told her "No, my Mom just gets sad when we talk about my sister who died." He then told me to close my eyes and feel my heartbeat, she was right there, and that would make me happy again. I told him he was so strong and so smart, I was a very lucky Mom to have him for a son.
Just about then another woman came by and asked him if he was celebrating Mother's day with me. He said No, I am not a Mom, and I am trying to make my Forever Mom happy right now. She looked puzzled and said Forever Mom? He then went into a full speech about how he had a birth Mom who carried him in her tummy, then he went home from the hospital with his Nana & Pop-Pop which kind of made Nana his mom til he came to live with me and I loved him and became his Forever Mom, cause his Dad & me adopted him. Now he has lots of brothers & sisters who are more than his brothers and sisters except for one sister who died, which is why he was trying to make his Mom happy! I bet she was sorry she asked. His words blew me away. She asked him how he knew all that and he told her, my mom who is right here told me, she tells me the truth because she says you shouldn't lie. So I ask her things and she tells me. She told him he was very special and thanked him for sharing with her. He told her you are welcome, Happy Mother's Day tomorrow... if you have any kids or not!
Sunday morning everyone kept hugging me and telling me Happy Mother's Day. It drove me crazy. It was all I could do not to break down in tears. I tried to stonewall myself, think of something else.. I had no control. Hunter wasn't too keen on riding and I just wanted to get out of there, so we headed home thinking we might stop at Wild Adventures in Valdosta, only to find out the interstates (I-75 & I-10) were being closed on & off. So we took our time going the long way home and got in about 6 pm.
I did think of all my children yesterday and how lucky I am. I did think of the day each one of them were born, as well as the day Tristan & Alexa were born. It all replayed like a movie in my mind through out the day. I just can't stop the pain that clings so closely to the joy of it all. The pain of her death, the pain of knowing despite all my memories of being her Mother, her babies have little to no memory of her. How easy for others to say, don't think of it like that, try not to dwell on the negative. As if I can flip a switch and control it so easily. There are no words to describe the twists and turns of my emotions. No words to describe how out of control it makes me feel. No words that will ever bring her back to me, or to her children. So yes, I wish I could have just "skipped" yesterday, and so many other days..
But I couldn't, I can't, so I don't..... but that doesn't stop me from wishing....

Disconnected..

In this age of cell phones it is quite a common occurence to get "disconnected." I was talking to my sister, Cricket, on the cell phone last night. First my phone battery died, then I hit a dead spot and it dropped the call. Lastly, I hit a no signal zone in the middle of nowhere near the ranch.
It isn't just because of cell phones. I have been "disconnected" from various friends and some family members at times because of differences of opinion, or outright fights. Then there are the ones that get dropped for no apparent reason. We just lose touch, then get to the point where there is "no signal" anymore. I try to keep my friends within reach, even the ones who live far away. I can't say my family has always been close..the Brady Bunch we are not. I have been at odds with different ones from time to time. Most of the time the fences get mended. The ties may not be as strong as they once were, but things smooth over. A few are beyond repair and that's just the way it is and most likely will always be. I have my reasons and they are my own.
There were lots of times Kierra and I would butt heads. We both hated to think we were too much alike. We both held our ground and defended what we thought was right. Even if it meant disconnecting for awhile. I am glad we were not at odds when she died. This is painful enough without more guilt.
Something I find I share with my siblings, as well as something I have passed on to my children is being stubborn. Which can make the "disconnections" more lengthy and more difficult to reconnect. I know it is a flaw, and trust me, I pay the price for it often. But as stubborn as it can make me in a negative way, it also makes me fiercely loyal and stubborn about the people I love and care about too. So as often as I may get disconnected from the ones I love, I will keep trying to get through, I will keep trying to "reconnect"...

Love Bugs

They are everywhere at our new house. They obviously love each other, but does anyone else really love them? They stick to each other and everything else! They are smashed all over the front of our cars, sticking to the windows and doors of the house. Dying and lying all over our back patio and front walkway. I can't remember them being so abundant since I was a child. The kids don't like them and won't play outside if they see them on the slide or playhouse. Alexa is our big announcer if they land on the sliding glass doors. She runs around yelling "bug-bugs!, come here, look!" Tristan says "ewwww, yucky!". Hunter trys to tell them that love bugs are good, they don't bite, and won't hurt them. It doesn't seem to convince them. Because moments later you can hear Alexa's yell.. "Bug-bugs!"

The Surreal Life..

SURREAL 1 : marked by the intense irrational reality of a dream; also : UNBELIEVABLE, FANTASTIC .

That's how I feel alot lately, like my life is surreal. I do my best to keep up, going through the motions the best I can, but sometimes it all just gets away from me. I walk into this house and think.. wow, how did I get here? How can this really be ours? I am working on cleaning out the Beckley house and I do the same thing there. Is this where we lived? How did we get here? Are all those memories real? It seems like a whirlwind sometimes.

Mother's day is coming up and I know I am blessed and should not dread the day, but I am. I wish the loss of one didn't seem to overshadow the lives of the others. It doesn't always, but it is for that day. I can't keep it from feeling that way. All the rational thought in the world doesn't make it so. So I am taking Hunter up to the horse ranch for the weekend. Some one on one and a change of scenery. Just what the Dr. ordered. Not really, but I tend to be my own doc anyway, so as usual, I will override him!

Ok, I ate all my Lima beans....

I tend to let my frustrations and expectations run high. I tend to put more stock in others than I actually ever see. So I bring it on my self when I am disappointed. I could say someday I'll learn, but I know better. Brian says I need to learn more patience. That may be true, but again, the odds are stacked against it. I am the old dog who can't be taught new tricks! At least in some instances. At least I can end my day with a clean kitchen and knowing I got alot done today. Whoopee!
It's like eating all the yucky things on your plate so you can have dessert, and then finding out it's all gone!

Promises..

Today I spent the morning cleaning the new house, then trying to do some cleaning and organizing at the Beckley house. It is slow going! Brianne took the kids overnight last night and to church today. Then when we all got back to the house this afternoon I tried to take Brianne, Justin, Chad & Hunter to the Imax theater to see Spiderman 3. They had presold all their tickets for the weekend, so it was soldout. Instead they all went to see it at the Avenues. Brian, Tristan, Alexa & I all stayed home. Brian worked on his stereo equipment, I cleaned out closets and sorted/ put away clothes. Tristan & Alexa were supposed to take a nap.. that never happened. So they played outside til the rain sent them in, then they danced to the music on the stereo and we danced with them. It was fun. Brian and I agreed Tristan has a lot of Kierra's facial expressions. I thought how glad I am I can still remember what she looked like and what her expressions were. Tristan seems to have them more so than Alexa because he has the same color eyes as Kierra. There were a few teary moments too, but we kept them to ourselves.
Alex recently sent a box to the twins with stuffed camels and a letter. The letter was full of dreams and promises. I have to remember where he is and what he is doing in Iraq. I have to remember he may very well have the best of intentions. I have to remember he is there and we are here, just as we have always been here. We had dreams and promises to keep with Kierra too, and we are here and she is not. I have to remember yesterday, last week, last year... today... and all I can do is hope for tomorrow.

Alexa 4 5 07

Alexa 4 5 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Isn't she lovely!?

Lexie & Bri 4 5 07

Lexie & Bri 4 5 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Today we went to the Mother & Daughter Banquet at Brianne's church. It was hard and there were a couple tearful times, but all in all it was a good day. I don't get enough time with Bri, so I enjoyed spending the afternoon with her. We took part in a silent auction and I ended up going home with 4 of the baskets and Bri took home one! At least it was for a good cause.
When I was getting Alexa dressed I realized how tall she has gotten. Most of her dresses are too short. So on the way there she & I stopped off at Kohl's and found some beautiful dresses on clearance. They grow too fast!

Have I altered the universe?

No, just some artwork I have. The first piece I have had quite awhile. I had a frame custom made for it to look like a window, complete with window box for matching flowers. It is a beautiful piece. The other piece is from the same artist, it has been unframed since I got it a couple years ago. I wasn't sure which one would go in my bedroom, and which one would go in the living room. I found a great frame on clearance, so I took out the picture and reframed my art. Then I decided I liked both pieces in my bedroom, so I found another frame on clearance. To reframe them I had to cut both pieces down. Brian wasn't too happy with that. Did I ruin the value of the artwork? Yes, I most likely did. But I didn't buy them to resell them. I bought them, actually Brian bought them for me on cruises we took, because I liked them. And they look awesome in their new frames. My bedroom was one of my favorite decorated rooms in the new house. Now it is #1. I found a huge piece of metal art for the living room and it looks really good. Brian isn't keen on the artwork being "hidden" in our room. So if you come over I will have to show you my bedroom so I can tell him they aren't hidden away! I am getting it all done bit by bit. My antique mantel looks fantastic. I used some of the large 20 inch pieces of tile we had leftover from the tilework that was done, created a faux hearth, mounted the mantle to the wall, found a great fire screen for it, and presto.. check the photo gallery for updated pix.

Hunter mohawk 4 30 07

Hunter mohawk 4 30 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

We just did this for fun, he was having his head buzz cut like Chad's. He had the mohawk cut off a couple days later. He kept telling everyone who was suprised.. it's just for fun, and it's just hair!

Tristan 4 30 07 halfway thru haircut

Tristan 4 30 07 halfway thru haircut
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Click on picture to see before and after pix. His curls were getting way out of control, so it was time for a haircut! I do miss the curls tho..

Alot, not alot?

Does it make sense that I have alot going on, but not alot is going on? I have been trying to adjust my lifestyle and not overdo. That in itself is exhausting! Just one more thing that isn't making sense! My right arm is giving me fits. Part of it is the ligament, the other part is throbbing pain in my upper arm, which my doc says is pinching from my neck problem. He is suprised I am not having other nerve/pain issues.
I am trying to slowly but surely get the Beckley house organized and emptied. I am hoping to have that done by the first of the week. The kids are jumping right into summer mode and I haven't caught up with spring! Alexa finally went into the sprinkler yesterday. Let's see if we can progress into the pool!
I have some pictures to post, so let me go do that and I will catch up on more later.