My Cave Man..

I did actually get a few hours of sleep tonight. On the couch where I crashed about 12:30 am. I woke up to Brian getting home at 2:30.. upset because I did not get the load of clothes out of the wash and into the dryer, which also meant I did not get the clothes in the dryer folded and put away. For Brian that should have been a priority. I also left a small condiment dish with some soy sauce and a paper towel scrunched up in it, on the kitchen counter. Which had caused a swarm of the damn drain flies we are battling to have a party on our kitchen counter. Both of these things are major issues for Brian. They are two of his biggest pet peeves. And I know that. I did not neglect them intentionally. But to his mind these should have been taken care of hours and hours ago. The laundry was as he left it when he went to work 12 hours before. The load in the washer had to be rewashed.

A part of me deep down inside cares about the laundry and the dish on the counter. A part of me way, way deep down inside. The rest of me truly doesn't care at all. My mind did not even register the laundry although Brian did mention it as he left. I put it in there somewhere, got distracted.. imagine that.. and I never went back to it. I guess the issue for him is that I often forget about it. But we have different perceptions of "doing" laundry. He washes it and drys it. Sometimes he will hang a few things up, but normally it gets semi folded and piled on top of the washer/dryer for me to sort and put away. I try to fold and hang up the clothes as they come out of the dryer and sort them by room. It doesn't always happen that way, and I have left clothes in the living room chair for days (or weeks) before. But I try to get it put away. Brian says he doesn't sort it because he doesn't know what belongs to whom and what gets hung up and what doesn't. That part of it isn't a priority for him. My mind justifies, if I don't have the time and energy to do it from start to finish, why bother.. and honestly, I just don't care.

Is it Mars vs Venus? I am not sure. I know he works out side the home, provides all our financial support, and therefore his efforts are validated. I tell him often how much I appreciate how hard he works and all he does at home in addition to that. And I tell everyone else that too. I am not sure if it is as bothersome to me that he doesn't see what I do as "work" or "contributing", or that I don't feel that it is appreciated by him. We have been married more than 23 years. No matter what job I have had, or the times I have not worked outside the home, my jobs were never as important, or as "hard" as his. At least not from his perspective. That hasn't changed. It is, and always has been, an issue we agree to disagree about.

The emotional aspect for me is the most difficult. Usually I can let it roll like water off my back. It is what it is. But now, as it has been alot since Kierra's death, it is a thorn in my side, It is a piece of popcorn under my gum that I can't seem to get out and it annoys the shit out of me! So I rinsed my little dish, put it in the dishwasher and ran the load of dishes waiting to be done. He started the clothes rewashing, I ran the dryer on dewrinkle and then folded/hung, sorted the load in the dryer and when the wash was finished, I put it in the dryer. I will wait until that is dry and fold/sort/hang that load and have it done. When he wakes up later today and I have gotten Hunter up, ready, and taken to school, and gotten the twins taken care of at the start of their day, and by then I will have run some errands, including picking up his drycleaning, done the grocery shopping for the next week, and prepared to take Tristan to his ENT appt.... will there be laundry to do, and more dishes on the counter?? Probably. But I will have done what I should have done today, right? I will have ended my day fulfilling his expectations, although I fell short once again.

I remind myself, we are both right, we both have valid feelings about it. Because no matter how I feel.. his perception is his reality, and mine is mine. It is how it has been for centuries. It really is a trivial thing, but it exemplifies so much more than being about the laundry. He needs cleanliness and order. He needs things in their proper place. He needs things done how and when he feels they should be done. He has cleaned both bathrooms the past couple days in between working because they needed to be done and it drove him crazy. Yet he couldn't tell you the last time he cleaned the play area. Or took Hunter to Karate, or took the kids to any of the numerous Dr. appts. Or did the grocery shopping. Because he works all the time and that is my job. We both could justify all we do and still not feel appreciated by each other.

Yet I know he loves me, and I know how hard he works for us. I know the exact feeling he is having when he looks at me with the pain so fresh and strong in his eyes that there are no words to describe it. I know that for both of us everything has changed but so much is expected to be the same. I know there are feelings and worries that he keeps from me because I keep my own from him. Not all, but some. I know I hesitate to dump on him when I feel my emotional cup runneth over. I hesitate to say how bad a day I am having because he might be doing better than me that day, and I hate to take it from him. We lean on each other like we can with no one else. So these little cave man moments of him thinking he is the "Hunter" and I am the "grazer", (old joke.. not funny right now!) are just moments, like so many others we have to live through each day. Even after you finally get the piece of popcorn out from under your gum, it is sore and tender for a while, reminding you it was there. Then just as quickly it is gone and you forget all about it.. until the next time it happens! But we keep eating popcorn, knowing we may have to deal with that minor annoyance. It is worth the risk. Will I annoy Brian again tomorrow?.. probably. Will he annoy me? Probably. In the grand scheme of things, will it matter?.. only for the moment, then it will be gone.. until next time!

Somewhere..

I didn't think I was a pessimist before Kierra's death, but maybe I was. Maybe I always have been, but it is more obvious to me now. I really try not to dwell on her death. But I have the media, and lawyers to remind me just how screwed up this world can be. And that makes our loss so much more "in our face". Of course, it is always there, but there are different levels. It is very hard to function on the "in your face" level. I manage to dim my grief somewhat to handle the necessary tasks required to get through the average day. Dealing with the media, attorneys, and all the emotions stirred up by them, truly drains the emotional life right out of me. I try to find the good in each day, I try to enjoy the kids and the positive energy they ooze from their pores. Brian & I are taking a much needed, much deserved break next week. I am hoping it helps recharge me. I hate to bring everyone down around me. I wonder if the day will ever come that I am able to see more light than dark. Actually to feel there is something to look forward to, rather than always looking back. I know it is out there, somewhere.. beneath the pale moonlight..

Captain of the Kayak..

That is what Hunter called himself when we were kayaking yesterday morning. Terri, Dori, Hunter, & I went out on the intercoastal side of Guana Park. There are supposed to be Manatees on that side, but we didn't see any. The tide was coming in and we didn't go that far out. We were out for 2 hours, but the tide and current were strong both going out and coming back in, so we didn't get as far as we thought! Hunter chose where he wanted his seat to go on my kayak. He even got to lay back anad chill out while I paddled us around. It went well. He did talk about the day Kierra died. I reassured him and he seemed to accept that. We went to lunch at Caps, and boy does he like gator tail! He liked that better than the shrimp he ordered for his lunch! It was a good day. I am glad he got over the initial fear of going out on the water again. I am looking forward to many more outings!

A Morning Among My Friends..

Terri, Savannah, Nancy, Dori, & I all got up at the butt crack of dawn..(Savannah says it was before that so it is the lower back of dawn..) and went to the Jax Farmer's Market. It had been described to me a if it was a sight to be seen and a HUGE expanse of produce and fresh foods. It was minimal, although there was a good variety of produce. Just not what I had built it up to be. So we headed north to the Pecan Park Flea Market. It was just after 9 am at this point so most booths were just getting set up and alot weren't even open yet. After that we headed to an early lunch, so we got to Sticky Fingers just as they opened their doors at 11am. It seemed every where we went there were barely any other people there. We bring our own party with us, which was evidenced by our waiter Kenny, so no crowds was just fine with us. We checked out the new Native Sun health food store and then all headed our seperate ways from my house. It was good morning. As it usually is when ever friends have the chance to get together. It was a great way to start the day!

Sense & Sensibility..

Brian & I visited a couple who lost their 24 year old daughter in March due to a drunk driver, he is also a JSO officer. I have blogged before about how similar our situations are. John & Kim are good people. Kim was just in a major accident and was hospitalized and has more surgery to go through. We were talking about how different our perceptions and sensibilities are now. Not much shocks or suprises us anymore.. how bad can it be after what we have lost? Yes, things can always be worse, but you try to numb yourself from whatever is coming next. Some people have the best of intentions and others just don't ever get it. Between legal stuff and a media miscreant, I have been juggling my grief and my anger. It is a tenuous game of chance. So I will juggle away and see where it all falls. Bad things happen to good people all the time. It just offends my senses on numerous levels and I can't talk about it as much as I would like to. So I will work on numbing myself and get through what comes.

La-la-la

Why can't life be as simple as this single moment? The entire house is quiet. No TV, no radio. Everyone but me is asleep or trying to go to sleep. Almost everyone.. I can hear Alexa singing to herself. Tristan is already asleep. There aren't really any words, just a lot of la-la-las. It is a sound devoid of sorrow, innocent and sweet. It reminds me that these things do still exist, innocence and sweetness. Purity of spirit. She laughs, such a pure sound. No grief to tinge it with guilt or sadness. No hesitation, from her heart. I want to bathe in the light of it. I want to wash my soul with it. There is hope, there is light, in these moments...

Notable Notes..

*Saturday I took Dori, Greta, Nancy, & Terri to a cooking class at Blue Bamboo, Good friends & Good food, who could ask for anything more?!

*Sunday Tristan & Alexa went with Brianne, Hunter spent the day with me because he had a sleepover with Katie & Cody at Greta's. I picked him up in the am. We ended up staying home. It was a Deja Vu kind of day with just Hunter at home.

*Adding to the Deja Vu.. Alex called from Iraq. He had a dream about Tristan getting hurt and had to call to see if he was okay. We kept it all small talk about the kids, etc. He may be there more than a year. He will let us know.

*Tristan has gotten in the habit of saying "No Way!", well Alexa came up to him yesterday evening after he said that and said... "Way!"

*I gave Tristan & Alexa wet wipes to clean off their faces.. Tristan took his, faked a big Ahhh Choo! and then made a noise like blowing his nose. It was too cute, Alexa tried to copy him but doesn't do it as well!

* I finally convinced Hunter to go kayaking with me next weekend. He has said he won't go kayaking again because last time he went Kierra died. I haven't been able to get him back out there since. It was hard for me too, but I hope I can help him overcome it.

*Every morning on the way to school Hunter tells me he misses Kierra and I tell him so do I, every day.

*Hunter has moved up to Master's black belt training in Karate. He now has an orange belt with a gold stripe through it.

*I have been e-bay crazy for size 3 jeans with adjustable waistbands!

*Hunter & I went in the hot tub before his bed time tonight. He says we should do that every night because I need to relax!

All That Glitters..

It used to be gold & diamonds that I longed for. I would drool over a cute pair of shoes..okay I still drool over shoes.. but I find it funny to realize my wants & desires have changed so much. This week Brian & I went shopping for aplliances. I was going to settle for either a new dish washer, or a new stove. I could barely contain myself! We got all three! Brian likes the stainless steel look, I don't have a preference. So he got the stainless & I got almost an entire new kitchen. The stove & fridge came yesterday. The stove is a 3 rack convection oven as well as a conventional oven. It has the burner and oven door lock out feature to protect the kids. It has a radiant heat cook top with 5 burners. I love it! The dishwasher gets here next week. Last Wednesday Rick put in a new maxed out garbage disposal for me. Our old one was like our dishwasher, you have to do half the job before you use it. We gave Brianne & Justin our old fridge & stove. We took their old fridge and put it in the garage for extra space. Now I need to paint. So for me all that glitters isn't gold anymore, it's cold, hard steel!

Torn between Two..

No, not Tristan & Alexa! I am torn between Liquid Band-aid being my hero, and the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser! I have used them before to clean walls and things, but this time I was truly amazed. I used it to clean my oven.. and it did an awesome job! No smelly sprays or rubbing my fingers raw with steel wool. Just a little elbow grease and my magic eraser! No cleaning sprays, or messy, greasy goo. I wonder how it works on kids?!

Isn't it ironic??

I just talked about the decals on my car, and then I posted the pix today. Well, I got a phone call today from someone at one of the news channels asking to do a story about the web site. I declined and told him I would gladly contact him when we were ready to go public with it. He called me back this evening shortly after 8 pm to let me know they were going ahead with the story on the 10 o'clock news and he didn't want me caught off gaurd, they would just use old footage from last November. He was sorry, but they decided to go ahead with it. I just said okay and left it at that. I wasn't going to thank him. It took all I had to not go off. I had told him earlier that regardless of his intentions the story would be noticed then picked up by other media and they would all put their own spin on the story. Because that was such an unpredictable chain of events it would be best to not run the story right now with all the legal issues going on. That he would be one of the first on my list when we were ready. He didn't do a "bad" job of it, but he failed to mention we had declined to participate in their version of the story and he made it sound like he had talked to us more than he had. He ran the website and the info and it is not even fully functional yet. I did go on and update the welcome page of the website to explain the news story. I kept it nice and tactful. Boy was that hard! Now I have to deal with all the e-mails and contacts on the website. I have to explain to another news guy who respected my wishes and had held off doing a story for the past month, that I did not give them permission to run this. Isn't it ironic, I have always been outgoing, someone who is always "out there", and now I wish I could be invisible.

Tristan asleep again

Tristan asleep again
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Lexie Princess

Lexie Princess
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Playing dress up in girl's clothes! (This is one of my e-bay wins!)

Van back window

Van back window
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Truck Window

Truck Window
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Van side windows (On both sides)

Van side windows (On both sides)
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Cute?

I was going through starbucks drive through this morning and a young girl was working along side my favorite barista, Joe. She read out loud the CitizensAgainstRoadRage.com that I have in purple accross the center side window of the van. She said"Oh how cute!" I am not sure what she meant. Joe gave her an odd look and said "You know it was her daughter killed on JTB?" She gave him a blank look and said "who?". He sent her to get my croissant, and shaking his head, he apologized. I told him that wasn't necessary. Another woman, Robin, came to the window to say hi and looked at the Window that says Remember Kierra Lee Shore with the dates and a purple fairy and asked how I was doing today. I said fine, got my coffee and drove away. I heard Joe explaining Kierra's accident to the young girl as I left. And I am still puzzled by the girl's "cute" statement. The color of the letters was cute? The CARR was cute? I don't know why I focused on her thinking it was cute. I guess because the idea that anything about it is "cute" seems absurd to me.

And I guess because even now, 10 months later, it is still so painful. And I think it reminded me that although it consumes so much of our lives right now, there are people who don't remember, who don't know why those emblems are on my car. And that seems like another world to me. It seems foreign to think of a life without this tragedy in it. And it makes me feel like I am on the outside looking in to the rest of the world. Or maybe it is being trapped on the inside and looking out at everyone else. Neither view brings the term "cute" to mind!

Storm Clouds..

The clouds hung gray above us and the rain fell down around us, but we were not to be deterred! Terri, Dori, & I bit the bullet and hit the water anyway. I am sure we looked a bit maniacal putting our kayaks in at the Guana park boat ramp when most sensible people were high & dry on such a dreary morning. But there were no signs of lightening and it wasn't pouring down all that hard. We saw a couple alligators who kept their distance (and so did we!). There were herons and cranes and sandpipers and cormorants and a few more birds I didn't recognize. There were mullet jumping all over the place, but no sign of any jelly fish at the north end of where we usually go. I will have to get a local map of the layout of the water ways through there. It didn't take long for the rain to end and the sun to make an appearance. It was a beautiful day. I am glad we didn't cancel due to the rain. We had lunch at caps and saw a couple dolphins playing in the water. I think we need to hit the ocean soon. Dori was ready to go out again, but we will see how her muscles feel in the morning! I spent the afternoon fighting a wicked headache, and the evening taking care of the kids. Now I have to get some things done and try to get some sleep. Maybe I will dream of calm water and sunny skies...maybe I can fend off the storm clouds in my mind as easlily as we did today..maybe..

Happy & Sad Faces..

Okay, now that I have scared most of you almost to death, I am sorry. I reread my last post and almost deleted it. But I can't. It is what it is. I have to be honest and I have to let it out. I don't know how else to do this. I don't mean to be dark and dismal all the time, I really don't. It comes in waves and as it gets closer to the 1 year mark of her death I am sure I will be the grim reaper. You may want to take a hiatus and blog jump to happier places. I guess I should buy stock in Kleenex! For my diehard blog followers, thank you for sticking by me. Maybe I will start putting happy & sad faces at the top of my posts so you can be fore warned!

To Know..

My mind is like the art project in school where you use a spinner to create a myriad of colors in a spun design. You can't really control the design, or how much color goes where, at least not as a child. And you can try to duplicate them, but they usually are one of a kind. Coming out different each time although you put the same colors in. My mind keeps spinning so I am not sure what the outcome may be. It has been a busy week. We met with our lawyer and had the opportunity to read all the witness accounts and reports, etc. Things keep getting changed and rescheduled. Alot of info going back & forth. I believe knowledge is a good thing. I prefer knowledge to the unknown. I didn't have to read it all, and I know we were told more at the time of her death than the average person because of the cameraderie of Law Enforcement. And I know the truth can't be worse than what my mind sees every time I think of it. I know the assumptions would have left me with nagging doubts. Yet the knowing changes me. It stirs up the stability of my mind and leaves me uncertain. Being told something is absorbed differently than reading it. Your ears bring it into your mind in a different way than your eyes do. The brain processes it differently. Knowing changes the threads of time. It stretches them then pulls you back. The most insignificant of details screams at me. What I think should stay with me and prolong my sleepless nights does not. It is something else entirely. Do not ask me to speak of it. I can not give life to the details of her death. They feed off me enough already. It does not mean I don't love you or trust you or anything as rational as that. It means it is too painful. It means I can't bring sense to it myself. It means it is too real for me. So let me do what I must do with it. Let me stop the spinning and see what is left. I may never want to speak of it, so please respect that. That I tell you at all is something. It means I want you to know what it is that haunts me, to know why I don't sleep, to know if I don't reach out to you, it is not you. To know that grief is far from finite. To know and not be afraid of being close to me. Because I need you all more than ever to remind me of life, of living, of all that lies ahead. To know hope. To know that as each day passes I will see less of the shadow and more of the sun...

Way to go Hunter!!

Hunter has had an awesome week! He has had "happy Faces" all week. We are so proud of him. The Dr. put him on the lowest dose of Concerta and said we may have to raise it, but I am thrilled with it the way it is. We were hesitant to put him on any meds, but all the testing came back that he really needed help with his impulses and reactions to stimulation. He has done really well. There are still rough spots, he is a 5 year old boy with definite opinions and sibling rivalry just like always. But he seems so much happier, with none of the zombie effect we were worried about. We hope it isn't necessary to increase the meds as he becomes more accustomed to it, or as he gets older and gains weight. We will take it as it goes. So far, so good!

This Life...

I was talking to my Mom today. She has a computer, but just uses it for the basics. She has Macular Degeneration in both eyes, so although it is improving, it is hard for her to read small print. We were talking about my needing to write her cousin, we call her "Aunt" Florence. They were both the only child in their families and are each other's only living blood relative. Anywho, Aunt Flo does not use the computer. She is a self proclaimed writer and poet and quite the critic to everyone else's efforts. And I must say, quite eccentric.

I explained to my Mom that the blog has become my main communication to almost everyone I know, so I have gotten out of the habit of writing good old fashioned letters. I have a friend in Michigan, Sher, who does not get on the computer much and I really need to write her. I was thinking of printing off the blog and sending it, but that may be a bit overwhelming!

My Mom is not so keen on the whole Blog thing. She thinks it is too personal to be put "out there". She is of a generation that would never air their laundry.. dirty or otherwise. Yet my Mother is a poet. She recently self published quite a nice collection of poetry about life, love, kids, and her faith. Some are cute, some serious, some sad. I consider that sharing some pretty personal stuff, and she agrees. She said that was the hardest part about her choice to publish it. It started out for us kids, then friends and people she knew at church got interested. So although not widespread, she has "gone public". She chose and edited what she put in her book of prose, so I guess that censored alot of what she shared.

I do censor some things, believe it or not! There are things I have held back and things I have decided not to mention. More because I do not think what I feel should always be up for debate, and some things involving other people are between them and me, to some degree. This is a form of therapy for me. I have always journaled, kept a diary so to speak. This is much easier and quicker. It allows me to let the words flow without hesitation. To really look inside myself without waiting for my pen in hand to catch up with the rush of thoughts and feelings flowing from my mind. It is a smoother, easier process. Which means it is a brutally honest process as well. I often tell the people in my life.. "If you don't really want to know, don't ask me!" Because if you ask me, I will tell you, and you may not like what you hear. So it goes that I am sometimes too honest for some people to accept. As I have said multiple times.. It is what it is. I said in my very first entry.. I can't promise what you will find here.. and I still can't, 227 entries later. Because each day is new and each day is different than it was before. And I am still learning how to live this life.. Life Without Kierra.

Labor Day(s)

(It is 4:45am, I have not been to bed yet, so I still consider this to be Monday!) I was thinking today of all the different places I have been over the years for Labor Day weekend. Nothing major stands out from my child hood. I am sure many would have considered me still a child Sept. of 1980, I was a month shy of my 17th birthday. Kierra was conceived that Labor Day weekend. I told my Mom I was babysitting, instead I spent the weekend at a hotel with the man who would become Kierra's biological father. 26 years ago. That seems like another life.

By the following year, Sept. 1981, we were married and living in Decatur, Indiana. Kierra was almost 3 months old.

By Sept. 1982 we were sperated and on our way to a divorce and Kierra & I were living in St. Petersburg, Florida.

By Sept. 1983 Kierra & I had married Brian in July and we lived in Cheyenne, Wyoming.

Sept. 1984 we were still in Wyoming and Brianne was just a couple weeks old.

Sept. 1985 Brian was in Belgium with the Air Force, the kids & I were back in St. Petersburg, FL.

Sept. 1986 we lived in Plattsburgh, New York and Chad was almost 2 weeks old, Brianne was 2 & Kierra was starting Kindergarten.

Sept. 1990 we were on our way to Mildenhall, England.

Sept. 1994 we were living in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Sept 1995 we were living in Jacksonville, FL. on Inez Drive.

Sept. 1999 we were living in Jax on Spaulding Road.

Sept. 2000 we were living in Jax on Beckley Place.

Sept. 2001 Hunter was living with us (since April 10th.)

Sept. 2003 Hunter was legally ours (in July).

Sept. 2004 Tristan & Alexa were 7 months old.

Sept. 2005 Kierra was getting ready to move into her apt.

Sept. 2006 Here I sit, 26 years after she was conceived, unable to believe she is gone.

As true as I know it is, it is still so "unreal" to me at times. Like now in the pre-dawn light, in the wee hours of my sleepless night, my mind does not let me rest from the thoughts I must confess.. are troubled and tired, as I am. So sleep I seek, and hope to find, some rest for this, my troubled mind..

Keep Walking.. (aka: My give-a-damn's busted!)

How do you just walk away? How do you make the decision to just stop being part of someone's life? I don't get it. I used to think Alex & Darnell were so different, but both have managed to just disappear from the twin's lives. You can't just pop in and out after months at a time. It isn't fair to them. I have never kept either one of them from these kids. I have never said they couldn't see them. But at what point do I say enough? When do I put the twin's feelings first? Isn't that what they should be doing? Alex is their father by birth. He has seen them 4 times in their lives so far. Darnell was part of their lives for 10 months when Kierra died. They called him Daddy. He has seen them several times since then, most in the first 6 months. Then it tapered off and he has made no attempt to see them since Vicky and the gang took them to the park July 5th. That is almost 2 months ago. Maybe that is for the best. I will not have them confused and upset because he pops in and out at random. Maybe he considers that part of moving on. I don't know and am honestly getting to the point that I don't care. We have done everything we could to help him. I can't do anymore. The twins don't know Alex, so it was never an emotional connection for them. It was with Darnell. I guess it is better to know now that he won't be part of their lives. I had just expected more.

Alex took Kierra's death pretty hard when he finally found out. He was supposed to have training the first couple weeks in May. He was supposed to call when he got back May 19th and we would set up him seeing them before he headed to Texas June 6th. He never called. He is supposed to have gone to Iraq Mid August for a year. No call, no letter. Just gone. I don't get it.

I am glad Tristan & Alexa are young. I am glad their losses are not as obvious to them as they are to us. I am glad they are happy, and I am glad they are loved. And I am so sorry for those, not just Alex & Darnell, who have decided not to be an integral part of their lives. Whatever the excuses, whatever the reasons, it is their loss. I will not chase people down, or beg people to be part of our lives. I will never "move on" from Kierra's death, but I will go forward, and I will leave people behind along the way. By their own choice, not always by mine. But know that I rarely look back, and I rarely reopen a closed door.

We are blessed to have so many caring, loving people in our lives every day. Family & friends who we know we can always count on. You all know which side of the door you are on. I am not the one who has walked away. We are where we have always been, right here. My address and phone numbers have not changed. So those that get pissed off by this..where have you been lately? I don't ask that because I care, I want you to ask your self that question before you decide I am the bad guy. I wake up each and every day reminded of Kierra's death, reminded that she is gone forever. No matter what good I have in my life, it is always shadowed by that. So I have every right to resent anyone who chooses to add to the losses Tristan & Alexa will have to live with. And since this is my blog, I have every right to voice my opinion. So for those of you who are among the faithful, you are thanked and loved. For those who aren't... keep walking..

Family, Friends, & Food..

I am so fortunate to have my sister, Greta, living close to me. I am also fortunate to have some of my friends nearby too. I had an impromptu cook out today. I missed those who couldn't make it, but really enjoyed those who could. The kids were wound up and if it hadn't been so hot outside they could have played out on their playground, but they couldn't, so they were a little wired and alot ornary! Yet even with the chaos, it was food for my soul. I love cooking and feeding people. It means alot to me for them to enjoy it. I don't eat Salmon, but it is one of the things I always fix for everyone else and seems to be a big hit. I alwasy fix several options so there is something for everyone.

Yet the food is secondary for me. It is the unity of coming together. The commitment it takes to set aside that time to spend with someone. Having the house full of people I care about. The love & the laughter that is so evident in the simplest of gestures.

I freeze frame things in my mind;

*Rick standing over the grill. Simple isn't it? I don't usually let people help. Rick is a big, imposing (looking) guy. He can be rough and brusque, and usually is.. yet he can be so caring & tender, and you know it is genuine. Kierra always said he was just like Shrek..layers..lots & lots of layers!

*Randy wearing the mask to Hunter's "thing" costume, with his hat on, which somehow made it look real.. and him playing peek a boo with Alexa with it from accross the room. Randy has had major health issues, we almost lost him Dec. 2004. Another big, imposing looking guy who can be a badass when he wants to be, but has a heart of gold. Although they had their differences at times, Kierra adored him, and he adored her.

*Greta sharing her soda, and any food she tried to eat (tried being the key word!) with the kids. She is the epitomy of the title "Nana". Our family is not close, too many kids, too many differences. Too many hard heads and bad tempers! Yet from this same gene pool Greta emerged with such a gentle & generous heart. I teased her once about being a ping pong ball.. bouncing back & forth trying to keep everyone happy. She really is a peacemaker, and I mean that in a good way. She does it with the children too. I wouldn't trade her for the world!

* Dori & Nancy sitting on the couch in the midst of kiddie chaos. Multi tasking between carrying on a conversation with each other and givng the kids attention as it was demanded.. often! I think of how different they are, how different we all are, yet our friendship transcends all that. It is hard for some people to understand that most of my friendships are decades long. I have close friends who live all over the country, and several scattered accross Florida as well. Those connections mean something to me. I don't give myself easily, (quit snickering girls! I mean emotionally!) so when I do, it usually sticks.

*Terri & her daughter Savannah.. showing off their pedicured and painted toes.. and sitting next to each other at the table talking about college. Savannah is defintitely her own person, but I still get a sense of "mini me" when I see her with Terri. Not just the physical resemblance, but alot of the same mannerisms & opinions. This was Savannah's first visit home from college so they were making a day of it.. pedicures, our house, then shopping. They have always been a huge help with the kids. And whatever I have decided to do or take on, Terri has given her support, advice, and a helping hand where needed, no questions asked.. well, okay, there are always questions.. and usually they are damn good questions. The kind you thought about for an instant then decided to avoid.. so she asks them, and even though she doesn't demand an answer, it makes you face the questions head on.

Life keeps changing and we all seem to adjust and move on. Hmm, not really move on, that implies distance, seperation.. we move forward, knowing that we are one of many passengers traveling together, sometimes different destinations, but always on the same train.. hop on, we have plenty of room, and hopefully, a long way to go..

I've Fallen Off The Wagon!

But I have myself convinced it is for good reason! Let me clarify. I fell off the E-bay wagon. See, similar to an alcoholic.. I am a self-confessed shopaholic. Ask anyone who knows me, they can confirm it. I have been so good about staying away from E-bay. Then I started playing around with it to sell some things for Greta. While I was trying to get that sorted out I happened to look for some Disney dress up clothes for Alexa so she could stop dressing up like "the thing". Woo-Hoo! I won the auction for a sleeping beauty and snow white outfit along with 2 other non-descript outfits. I also won the auction for a 3 piece corduroy Disney Princess fall outfit. I also won the auction for a purple princess warm-up suit. I didn't really expect to win them all! I hadn't thought about it in a few days, forgot when the auctions ended.. until I got notice I won the costumes. Then when I went on to pay for that, it showed the fall outfit was ending in a few minutes.. well I had competition for that outfit.. I should have let it go, but I tend to be a bit competitive.. just a bit. Needless to say, I won. Then while I was dealing with that, the other one ended and I won that too! I am watching a Jasmine dress up outfit for Lexie and a pair of Buzz Lightyear jeans for Tristan, but haven't bid on those yet, they end next week. But see how easy it is?! Boy's clothes are few and far between.. I guess that's a good thing! I will post pix of Alexa all dressed up when the clothes get here! So if I call you in the middle of the night to say I am craving E-bay and just can't stop myself... just tell me to step away from the computer.. step slowly away..

F.Y.I. (things you may or may not know!)

*I can have a good day without being devastated by guilt. (and that's OK!)

*My favorite color is still Hot Pink, although I like Purple too, as a reminder of Kie.

*I also like faeries as a reminder of Kie, but I am not collecting them.

*I am not collecting Dolphins either!

*I still cry at times without warning.

*My memories make me smile now more than they make me cry.

*I still miss Kierra every moment of every day.

*I can see Kierra in her children without it breaking my heart every time. (although it still breaks my heart she isn't here to see it herself..)

*I find it sad so many of her friends have faded away from seeing the kids.

*There are times I am still angry at God. (I don't need preaching about how wrong that is.. thanks anyway!)

*I don't expect, or want, anyone to feel they have to walk on eggshells around me, I don't mind talking about Kie, but I am also capable of talking about lots of other things.

*There are a select few who I am truly mad at/ disappointed in.. they know who they are! So if you are worried it may be you, ask me, don't avoid me!

*Tristan & Alexa are in size 2-3T..tops & shorts size 2T still works, but pants and PJs are size 3T. *Hunter is wearing Size 5 pants & shorts. Size 6 PJs, and size 6 shirts.

*Tristan wears a 7 1/2 WIDE shoe, regular width shoes are too tight on his chubby feet! *Alexa wears size 7 shoes. *Hunter wears size 12 shoes.

*Tristan's favorite Disney Character right now is Buzz Lightyear.

*Alexa's favorite Disney Character changes.. who ever she thinks is "pretty" at the moment. *Hunter's favorite Disney Character is Jack Sparrow.. Super hero.. Superman

*Tristan & Alexa really like the shows "Dragon Tales" and "Little Einsteins".

*Kierra could not stand Barbie, so we get Lexie Disney Princess things instead.

*I can not stand "Barney", so other than rare exposure in other homes.. they don't watch that show!

*Hunter refers to the twins more as his brother & sister now than him being their uncle.

*Hunter mentions and talks about Kierra alot, it is okay for those discussions to be happy ones too.

*Other than local friends & family, Brianne & Chad did not get any cards for their birthdays..that bites.

*I can still go places and do things, I just need to plan ahead, so ask me, if I can do it, I will!

*We aren't sure how we will handle the Holidays this year.. we will let you all know.

*We are still trying to figure out how to expand our house. ($$)

*I would love to get a small camper or RV to be able to travel more and go camping with all the kids.

*Starbucks Vanilla Chai Latte is my new favorite drink.

*Carraba's house salad is my favorite salad (now that the Light House Grille is closed!)

*I would love to go to the horse ranch in Madison, GA again.

*I would love to take Paula Deen's cooking class in Savannah, GA.

*My 25th High School reunion is in Oct. (yes, I am that old!)

Hunter's Progress at School..

Thursday Brian went to school and spent 3/4 of the day with Hunter. He got an "in between" face on his daily report. Not all bad, but not good. He really only behaved when Brian was there. Then Friday he had another "in between" day, a parent helper spent most of her time right with him helping control him. Not much better, but I will take what I can get. His therapist has suggested we do a Conner's Scale to rate his behavior at school. She saw signs of him being unable to focus or sit still for any length of time. There is a huge family history on all sides of attention deficit issues, learning problems, and a miriad of other problems. He has an appointment with his pediatrician tomorrow afternoon to discuss the Conner's results and options. Chad had to be on meds for ADHD. He quit taking them when he was a teenager. I think they helped but I had to demand better meds as the military tended to go with the older protocols. A low dose med may help take the edge off. I don't want to be the type of parent who refuses to believe her child has a problem, but I also don't want to jump at the first excuse for the problem either. Today has made it easier for me to accept he may need some type of medication to help him settle down enought to focus. Last night Hunter started having cold symptoms. No fever. So this morning I gave him some cold medicine before he went to school. I got a phone call about noon from his teacher. My first gut reaction was.. "Oh No, I don't have the time or energy to have to go to the school right now!" My heart sank at the sound of his teacher's voice. Until she got to the part that Hunter was having an awesome day! I was so excited.. and so was she, she just had to call me. When I picked him up we were all excited.. he got his first happy face! Then we had karate & I had forgotten his cold medicine. It was due at about 3 pm, when I picked him up from school. By the time he was at Karate class at 4 pm, he was bouncing around and not listening again. His instructor had to speak to him several times throughout class. So I will listen at the Dr. appt tomorrow with more of an open mind about medication. I want Hunter to learn and thrive in his school environment. I want him to have the best possible chance to succeed. And I want to answer my phone when his teacher calls without the dread and disappointment I felt when I first heard her voice today, after 3 weeks of constant problems. Today was a Great Day! He was so happy & proud. We haven't had many days to feel that way, I'll take all I can get!

Kitchen redo

Kitchen redo
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

This shows the wall where the kitchen nook set used to be.. covered with "stuff" and of no use. Now that is in the dining room/ play area, & the kids love it to play on and it is easier than me eating with them at their fisher price picnic table! I took this photo half done, half not, so you can see what is behind the curtain. My walls are really pale yellow, not the lime green they look here! I now have enough room to set up my craft table to sew, scrap book or whatever.. the kitchen is a gated off "no Kid" zone. I love it.. Thanks terri for giving me the idea to change things, I had planned to put the shelves in the garage and store my extra stuff there, but this turned out so much better!

Too busy to blog?!?

Wow, it is Monday night! Have I really been too busy to blog?! Here is a recap of my "time off";

Saturday morning Terri & I dragged Nancy kayaking with us at the Guana State Park. It was a good time had by all, Nancy even liked it! We had some hard current heading back in, but the sun was shining, and we were with friends.. what's a little upper body workout compared to that?! We rejuvenated ourselves at Cap's on the water for lunch and beat the rain when we headed our seperate ways. I spent the rest of Saturday pulling apart my kitchen and rearranging a bit in between coralling the kids. Actually that project took me well into Sunday & Sunday night, but I did take a break Sunday morning to meet Terri back at Guana for another kayak stroll on the water. I felt sooo spoiled being able to go two mornings in a row! I am itching to get back down to Rainbow Springs.. that will be a definite road trip in the next couple weeks!

A ping pong ball..

I know I jump from funny to sad, to general info to serious. You may feel like a ping pong ball being smacked back & forth.. sorry! Imagine how it feels to me! I was reading back over my blog from the wee hours of this morning. And although I was truthful, I may not have been completely forth coming about the whole do-gooder thing. It is like in the movie Shrek.. it has layers. More like an onion.. less like a parfait. Totally confused now?! Take a break and watch the movie, it is a good one and worthy of a few chuckles. And I am all about the chuckles..

Okay, now for the serious stuff.. and please understand.. I know the reality of it all, I can rationalize it all. But I can't always keep some of the darker and less sane thoughts from creeping in from time to time. And don't argue with me.. no one knows all my secrets.. no one knows all the things I have done in my life. I'm not all bad, but trust me, I am not all good either, and was even less so in my younger days!

I know deep down inside I have a little voice that says, "If I had been a better person, if I had not done some of the things I've done.. my daughter might still be here. Maybe that is why God has done this to us." I have always been a selfish person. I have not led an altruistic life. This is what grief does.. this is the guilt it gives to you along with the pain, the depression, the gaping black hole. The guilt isn't rational, it rarely makes sense. It doesn't have to. Any more than her death makes sense. I wasn't even here that day, I was hours from home. And that sometimes haunts me too. "If I had been home, I could have changed it. I could have done something!" It isn't rational, but it pops into my head from time to time. So part of trying to do for others is that guilt, and the fear that it could happen again to someone else I love. So I will do more, I will do better. Rational? No. But it is what it is.. that ping pong ball bouncing around inside my head.

It's 3 am.. Do You Know Where YOU Are?

I am here..exactly where "here" is at this point in my life I am not so sure! I am sure that it is not anywhere I ever planned it to be. No laughing.. I went to my first PTA meeting tonight. Yes, Hunter is my 4th child, but No, I never went to anything PTA before. Maybe it was the old song Harper Valley PTA, or maybe I felt too far out of the "normal" box to be part of the PTA before. OK, stop giggling & snorting.. no, I do not consider myself anywhere near the "normal" box now either. So maybe it is a desperate attempt to look normal? I have no idea. I am doing alot of things I never thought I would be doing, so what's one more?! I can't seem to find a comfortable fit with anything I do, but will keep trudging on and see where it takes me. Blind faith? You Betcha. Because even the best laid plans most often get shot all to hell.

I was cooking a meal for a JACKPOTT family tonight when Brian got home from work at about 1:30 am. I will deliver it tomorrow morning along with some bread, salad, & dessert. It motivated me to cook for us too. No one else had stepped up to help this family in need and I just felt like it was the right thing to do. But is it truly an altruistic act? Honestly.. no. I know if I inundate myself with things to do, especially for others (because that is more of a committment and I have to follow through), then I have less time to think, or to feel. I exhaust myself emotionally. Well, I try to. As you can see it is after 3 am EST and I am still up and at it. But there is so much I can't control (another issue for me!) and so much I feel isn't productive or doesn't give me a sense of worth, so I fill my life up with more & more to do. Yet I still feel like I don't do enough. I'm running a Hamster Wheel Marathon. I know what I am doing.. and deep down I know why.. knowing doesn't mean I can make myself do anything to change it.. and would I? No, not really.. because either way I would be right back where I am..right here.. wherever "here" is..

Mada Lynn Caudle 4.16.88-8.23.03

My friend Nancy, who I have known since sometime in Middle school, gave birth to Mada April 16, 1988. I took a trip to visit them that summer in Indiana. Mada was born with a multitude of physical problems, but she was born with the purest and most perfect heart. She taught us all so much about life, and love, and faith. Even knowing she was leaving all of us here.. she gave all her strength in planning her own funeral, picking out her favorite songs, and telling us all not to cry. She was ready to go, to run free in heaven. She was ready to meet her God and leave her frail, physical body here. I envy her faith. Mada was a doer.. she dreamed of swimming with dolphins, and the summer before her death she did that with her Mom, her brother, and her sister. She dreamed of meeting Cher, and she did that...she even gave Cher a gift... a bible.. Cher thanked Mada and told her she didn't have one of those! But that is so like Mada, to have no qualms or fears to take on something she believed in. Terri & I went with Nancy to Indiana. We managed to get there before Mada died and we got to say our goodbyes. I have to admit I cried. I read Mada a book about Haven and brushed her hair. I tried to be strong for her, but my selfish tears won out. Nancy, Terri, & I drove home. It was a chance to decompress form the 3 days worth of wakes and funeral services. On the trip back was when Kierra called me and told me she was having twins. We stopped in Pigeon Forge and hit the outlet stores just before they closed for some shopping therapy. The emotional rollercoaster of the grief of death, yet the celebration of newborn life was a hard ride. I am sure Mada was smiling down on us ( well maybe scolding me too!) as I said "oh Shit!" about a dozen times when Kie said there were 2 babies coming. Nancy & I have shared a lot in our lives, traveled some of the same roads, tho not always at the same time. We never wanted to share this, the loss of a child, never wanted the other to feel this kind of pain. I thought I could understand when Mada died, how torn Nancy's heart was.. but I didn't, couldn't have known the depths of it until Kierra's death. It has been 3 years since that trip to Indiana. I Can Only Imagine was one of the songs played at Mada's funeral service. I don't hear it often.. but I changed my radio station the day Kierra died, before I knew... 3 times, and each time that song came on within a minute of me changing it.. Mada always did make herself heard, even when no one wanted to listen....

The Chad is Great!

That is a line from a movie and part of a comment a friend of mine left on one of my blog entries.. very cute! But today he was great. And he is alot of the time. Last week when Hunter was first having problems at school, Chad took time and talked to him.. Hunter was so thrilled because Chad gave him a real hug! (Chad does not hug often!) Today was a long & somewhat stressful day for me. Hunter is still having problems and there doesn't seem to be much improvement. My Dr. says to avoid stress! HaHaHa! When Hunter & I got home Chad took over.. he took all Hunter's playtime stuff & TV out of his room for me, (which he will get back when his behavior improves) and he ordered pizza for dinner and helped with the kids. (Hunter did not get Pizza!) I wonder if Chad will ever want his own children? He says NO!

Chad with Tristan & Kierra Dec. 2004

Chad with Tristan & Kierra
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Four Kids Aug. 22, 2004

Four Kids Aug. 22, 2004
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Chad 18 years, Hunter 4 years, Kierra 23 years, Brianne 20 years old. One of my favorites of the four of them. I will post some more as I come accross them & scan them.

Brianne & Chad Dec. 2001

Brianne & Chad Dec. 2001
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Chad at 15 years old.. with Brianne who was 17 years old.. both still kids at heart!

Chad August 1994

Chad 1994
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

8 years old. We lived in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I think this was one of the few times I ever saw him with a football. He played soccer in England, but never seemed interested in sports once we got back stateside. Gosh, this seems like yesterday! He is 20 years old now! Of course he felt the need to age me a little more the other day when he reminded me that by the time the twins are 18, he will be almost 36 years old!! I can't think that far ahead..

Chad in Tux 1991

Chad in Tux 1991
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Such a little man! I had dressed the three kids up when we lived in Swaffham, England to take pictures to send back home. Note that he is barefoot.. he hated dressing up! But he did it for me, (and a few candy bribes!) He was about 5 years old here.

Happy Birthday to my Baby Boy!

Chad Newborn
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

August 21, 1986 at 12:00pm (Noon) on a bright and sunny Thursday, Chad Louis Shore was born. 6 lbs 15 oz 20 3/4 inches long. He was our miracle baby in that we still aren't sure how he was conceived through 3 different forms of birth control! And no, there was never an opportunity for an oops! But we were blessed with our beautiful baby boy after only 15 minutes of contractions and no stitches. Actually I had more contractions than that, but I had walked so much during my pregnancy my muscles were so toned that I only felt the last 15 minutes. He was supposed to be Brent Louis, but we both looked at him and didn't see "Brent". Friends of ours had a son the same week Brianne was born and they named him Chad, so we called them and asked if they wouldn't mind us naming our son Chad. They thought it was great, and so he was named Chad! His face is scratched up in this picture because he kept taking his little mittens off. He was stubborn even then!

If That's What It Takes..

I have been bitching for weeks now about Brian not being able to transfer to day shift. Now he is working Mandatory Overtime. I am having a hard time not interfering (surprise, surprise!). I feel so useless while he busts his ass to provide for all of us. I was listening to my Celine Dion "Falling Into You" CD to day and this song really says it all from me to Brian.. I Love You Baby..

You're the bravest of hearts, you're the strongest of souls

You're my light in the dark, youre the place I call home

You can say its all right, but I know that you're breaking up inside

I see it in your eyes

Even you face the night afraid and alone

Thats why I'll be there

When the storm rises up, when the shadows descend

Every beat of my heart, every day without end

Every second I live, that's the promise I make

Baby, that's what I'll give, if thats what it takes

If that's what it takes

You can sleep in my arms, you dont have to explain

When your heart's crying out, baby, whisper my name

Cause I've reached out for you when the thunder is crashing up above

Youve given me your love

When your smile like the sun that shines through the pain

Thats why I'll be there

When the storm rises up, when the shadows descend

Every beat of my heart, every day without end

I will stand like a rock, I will bend till I break

Till there's no more to give, if that's what it takes

I will risk everything, I will fight, I will bleed

I will lay down my life, if that's what you need

Every second I live, that's the promise I make

Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes

Through the wind and the rain, through the smoke and the fire

When the fear rises up, when the waves ever higher

I will lay down my heart, my body, my soul

I will hold on all night and never let go

Every second I live, that's the promise I make

Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes

If that's what it takes

Every day..If that's what it takes

Tristan 8 18 06

Tristan 8 18 06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

The silent partner in crime.. the first to tattle, and the first to run when they get caught!

Alexa 8 18 06

Alexa 8 18 06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Another sweet face that can be, oh so, deceiving! She has become my "organic" artist.. last night it took me 30 minutes to clean her "artwork" off her bed & wall from what she had in her diaper when she took it off!

Hunter 8 18 06

Hunter 8 18 06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Hunter with his new glasses. How could that sweet face be driving me so crazy lately?!

At My Wit's End!

I have tried everything I can think of, everything the therapist has thought of, everything his teacher has thought of, everything the principal has thought of... and I don't know what else to do. Hunter is not doing well in school. Honestly that is putting it mildly. His teacher considered the first week getting adjusted. She sent home a progress report Monday that had 6 sad faces, 3 neutral faces, and 1 happy face. Hunter & I talked about it, I made up some daily progress sheets and we decided tomorrow was going to be a better day.. but it wasn't, it was worse, and so was the next day, and the next! I got called to the school today because he refused to do his work and was disrupting the entire class. I talked to him, went to lunch and talked to him some more, then after lunch we went and talked to the guidance counselor and then the principal. He agreed to make better choices and instead of trying for a whole day of listening and doing his work, we would try for just the hour and a half left of school. Again he chose to be a brat. I am trying to be consistent. He has lost all TV and pool priveleges until we get a good report from school. He had to get 2 days good report to go to 2 birthday parties that he was invited to this weekend. He will not be going. I have gone down the list of all the behavior options, and the ways to motivate better behavior. We start every morning as a new day, we stay positive and let him know we know he can do it. I was on the verge of tears today when I picked him up because I don't know what else to do. We will stick with what the therapist reccomends and hopefully next week will be better. I am at my wit's end!!

My Left Foot..

Foot Diagram
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

My intermediate cuneiform bone that they thought had a stress fracture either has healed, or wasn't as bad as they thought. My bone scan showed that bone is fine.. my Cuboid bone however, is fractured. I have been taking the correct precautions for the cuneiform bone to heal, but those same precautions,(how I walk on that foot..) have only worsened the problem with the cuboid bone. I am now in my fracture boot 24/7, even while I sleep. If that doesn't show improvement in 2 weeks I may be forced into a hard cast, which I have avoided so far. Just giving the twins a bath gets me soaked, a cast is not an option! Wish me luck, say a few prayers.. whatever works!

The Woman in the Mirror..

Tonight Greta ( my sister) and I went shopping. We are going on a cruise with our husbands, our Uncle, and our sister, Robyn, and a group of people we know from Tennessee, the first week of October. We were just going to look. (yea, right!) David's Bridal was having a big sale. We tried some on at the Regency store, then headed to the Avenues store. I found an absolutely gorgeous deep dusty rose colored dress with a wrap. Embossed Jacquard, with beads scattered throughout. Scarfy draped bottom. V-neck sleeveless with a matching wrap. Well, this "me" dress didn't fit me, and looked dynamite on Greta ( the Beeotch! And then at check out it was on sale for even less than we thought!) Then I tried a dress she had picked out, not a dress I would typically think of for myself. Sleeveless V-neck black lace cocktail dress with black and blue beads all over.
Very Classic. I went out of the fitting room to look in the mirror... who was that woman? I didn't look like myself. I didn't look like a Mom, or a Nana, I looked like a woman in a beautiful dress. I even kept it on for a few minutes and couldn't get over the difference. I have alot of pretty dresses. But this one is different, at least I felt different in it. Despite my telling her not to, Greta got me the dress, she said I had to have it. And I have to admit I am getting excited about the cruise. I am looking forward to wearing that dress. And maybe getting to know that woman in the mirror..

Sick & Tired..

Not from the normal things I am sick & tired of, but really sick.. nasty headache to the point of making me physically ill during the night and this morning. Down to a dull roar now, but has left me wiped out and exhausted. I had to wake Brian up to take Hunter to school, I could barely function. When I bent down to change the twins diapers when they woke up, I was in tears it hurt so bad. Lexie touched my face and asked.. "why cryin?" I told her my head hurt and she rubbed it for me. Then they dragged their pillows and blankets out to the living room and we all laid quietly and watched their morning shows. They don't usually do that. It was a big help to not having them run all over being loud with their toys and demanding my attention.

Then I went to the chiropractor and he adjusted my neck and back. It seems to have helped. I picked Hunter up from school. His teacher didn't look very happy and asked if she could call me to talk. I asked Hunter how his day was and he said "not so good." He had a progress report in his bag.. 6 sad faces, 3 neutral faces, and 1 happy face. He has been loud and disruptive in class and when walking to and from other classes and lunch. He isn't listening when asked to calm or quiet down. He won't settle down and do his work. So now he will be on daily progress reports, no tv or pool time, and we had a long talk with his Karate teacher as well since he had karate today. Maybe with some teamwork and motivation we can turn him back around. He has had these types of behavior for the last couple months, but had been working on it at home. I had hoped school would help. It definitely didn't help my mood today. So he and I have agreed tomorrow will be a better day... God, I hope so!

Bri 1st Birthday

Bri 1st Birthday
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

One of my favorites! Happy 22nd Birthday today Brianne!

Bri 3 mo

Bri 3 mo
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Wasn't she adorable?!

She's a Butterfly (by Martina McBride)

This was a song I heard and played for Brianne several months ago after I heard her sing at church..my baby girl is grown up, and is spreading her wings more every day, showing all her beautiful colors as she flys..

She remembers when she first got her wings

And how she opened up that day she learned to sing

Then the colors came, erased the black and white

And her whole world changed when she realized

She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky

Nothing's ever gonna bring her down

And everywhere she goes

Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive

She's a butterfly

Like the purest light in a darkened world

So much hope inside such a lovely girl

You should see her fly, it's almost magical

It makes you wanna cry, she's so beautiful

God bless the butterfly, give her the strength to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

God bless the butterfly, give her strength to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

God bless the butterfly, give her the strength to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

God bless the butterfly, give her the strenght to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

Baby Mine..

Baby mine, don't you cry.

Baby mine, dry your eyes.

Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine.

Little one, when you play, pay no heed what they say.

Let your eyes sparkle and shine, never a tear, baby of mine.

If they knew all about you, they'd end up loving you, too.

All those same people who scold you,

what they'd give just for the right to hold you.

From your hair down to your toes, you're not much, goodness knows.

But, you're so precious to me, sweet as can be, baby of mine.

This song was from Brianne's first Ballet recital when she was about 5 years old. The she used it again for the Father Daughter dance at her wedding. It always represented her child hood. Born at 7:41 am on August 13th 1984 in Cheyenne, Wyoming. She was wished for, and waited for long before we found out we were expecting her just before Christmas of '83. She weighed 6 lbs 14 oz and was 21 inches long. We picked her name off a TV movie, and it wasn't until years later someone said how nice it was we named her after Brian, since Brianne is the feminine form of his name. Cool Coincidence? Fate? She has grown up to be a remarkable young woman. We are very proud of her. Not so much a child anymore, but always our little girl..our Baby Mine..

Lawrence Welk

I was just visiting Elaine's blog..Kalilily Time: no Lawrence Welk world and was reminded of a different time & place in my life. The immediate response was of Saturday nights with my Nana at 6pm. Lawrence Welk time. Such an idealic world it was for me. Then I question myself.. was it really?? At Nana's it was, but at home my life was not what it always appeared to be. It was a fearful, painful existence that was hidden in the dark corners where no one looked and no one saw. But I grew up and I survived. And I do have good memories that push away the bad.

So I wonder if that is how it will be with my grief.. I do have many good memories, and this pain isn't from bad memories, but from the loss, the void created by Kierra's death. I won't be growing "up" just growing old! And I will/ am surviving. My life is far from Idealic, but is also far from the depths it has been.

I used to sing the Lawrence Welk farewell song to all the kids at bedtime, so on that note.. "Good Night, Sleep Tight, and Pleasant Dreams to You.. With a Wish, and a Prayer, That all Your Dreams Come True. And Now til We Meet Again.. Adios, Au Revior, Auf Wiedersehen.. Good Night!"

Max with his new toy!

Max 8 3 06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Max.. aka Rocki ( his new name! He already answers to it!) Isn't he adorable! His new life with Brenda definitely agrees with him.. he is sooo spoiled, which is exactly what I wanted for him. He came along way from 3.5 oz! He weighed almost 8 lbs when he got neutered last week! (yup, he is now Rocki, without the rocks!)

A Few More for Thought..

"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is about." Angela Schwindt

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"Three grand esentials to happiness in this life are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." Joseph Addison

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"Friendship begins when even without words we understand how someone feels." Joan Walsh Anglund

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"Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you." H. Jackson Brown Jr.

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"Everything has it's wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content." Helen Keller

Quote from Margaret Mitchell

"LIFE IS UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO GIVE US WHAT WE EXPECT"

On a lighter note..

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

The Journey..

I wrote this for my sister, Greta, a few years ago. I have thought about it alot lately. At the time she was going through alot and this came to me in a dream about her. So it is with a bit of Deja Vu that I see myself on this journey now..

THE JOURNEY

I take this journey with uncertain steps,

though sometimes I just want to run!

Never too sure which way to turn,

or where I'll end up when it's done.

_____________________________

I look back thinking we've come so far,

yet the road ahead looks longer.

At times it seems too far to go,

& I wish I were a little younger!

_________________________

Too often I feel I am on my own,

and the weight I carry too great.

Or everyone else is so far ahead,

they can't hear my call to "wait!"

_______________________

How much farther must I go?

Does it matter my body aches?

This can't be the journey meant for me,

it must be some mistake.

_____________________________

Yet in the quiet that comes with night,

when all is said and done,

this journey is what I make of it,

almost over, or just begun..

___________

mjs 9/22/02

Slamogram!

You would think with all the advances of modern medicine there would be a new technique for Mammograms. My friend Dori calls them slamograms.. how apropo! I had mine today.. whoopee! At least my technician was a woman. If I am going to have my breasts pushed, pulled and squished while being an upper body contortionist, in a cold, medical setting.. I would prefer it to be done by a woman! At least they have some compassion! If a man is doing all that it better be my husband!

A Bit Disappointed..

I spent the day busily getting ready for a JACKPOTT meeting tonight. That is Jacksonville Parents of Twins & Triplets. I had sent out an e-mail asking for help to do a kind of bake sale at our meeting tonight to help out one of our families with a football team they have taken on this year so their kids could play ball. I was very suprised at the lack of response I got. There were 3 other people beside myself who brought something. I explained what it was for and how I had gotten invoved with JACKPOTT because I thought it a great chance to help each other out and give something back. We would have pooled more money if we just gave them the cash we spent for what we brought! The Mom I was trying ot help has done alot for the club and I was just a bit disappointed by the lack of interest. We almost had more prospective members than our actual members at the meeting. I notice the same ones are always the "givers", willing to do for others and help out when needed. Are my expectations too high? Is it wrong to expect the same level of effort that I bring to it from the others? I do tend to do that sometimes. I am glad for the ones who are so generous with themselves and their time. I am just a bit disappointed in the rest.

Sometimes Crazy!

Hunter made a comment the other day that I had forgotten about until my mind was jogged by another blogger. He told me he doesn't want to be a Mom when he grows up. I told him that was okay because he was a boy which would make him a Dad when he grows up, gets married , and has children..hopefully in that order! He said that was good because being a Mom was too much work and it made you tired, grumpy, and sometimes crazy! Out of the mouths of babes!

Today was another busy day and I am beat. I guess that covers the tired and grumpy part. And it is good to know he thinks I am only sometimes crazy!

What a nice suprise..

Today was busy! I got through Hunter's first day of school..almost cried.. but didn't. I went to the school's Boo Hoo Breakfast for the kindergarten Mom's. It was just a meet & greet kind of thing. There were one or two mom's my age, the rest are young and their kids were their fist to go to school.. so I felt like a nanny goat in a pen full of kids! I didn't stay long. I took the twins to day care, had a nice lunch with Dori, drank a cup of coffee and read my book at the Starbucks right near Hunter's school. Picked him up, took him to karate, picked up the twins and we were back home just before 6 pm.

And the nice suprise was.. I didn't have to worry about dinner! One of our neighbors used to be Kierra & Brianne's math teacher in high school. He & his wife are the sweetest people. Linda called me today and said she was fixing us dinner, when was the best time to bring it by? I told her she didn't have to and she told me yes she did. She had been thinking about us and how at first we had everyone huddled around us and people figure that's not needed anymore and she felt that wasn't right. She wouldn't take no for an answer and I am so glad! I hadn't even planned on dinner and it was great to have it done for me! I told her I would pick it up on our way home to save the trouble of bringing it to us. She made a roast with fresh carrots, rice, biscuits & croissants, gravy, and turnovers! It was all so good, and the kids loved it too! It saved me at least an hour in the kitchen and I was able to get every one bathed and ready for bed without the extra hassle. What a treat and what a nice suprise!

fishy face

fishy face
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

He isn't sunburned, this pic just came out a little red! This was him goofing off when I wanted a picture for his first day of school!

First day of school

First day of school
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

My little man had his first day of school today! Isn't he handsome! He did very well and had a great day! There were a couple children crying this morning and I heard him tell one of them "it's okay, our Mom's don't leave us here forever, they'll come back later." What a great kid! (of course I am biased!)

The wind, the water, and the wonder..

Kayaking was great! I really love my sidekick kayak. It handled alot better than I thought. Terri has a Twist, one-person kayak and it was just as heavy as mine, but alot shorter. The weather was good to us, a light breeze over the water, and we are both wearing the results of direct sun on water without enough sunscreen! I am glad I wore a hat. We ended up on a lake on the interior side of Guana park. The intercoastal was about to go out to low tide and we wouldn't have been able to get back in until after 2pm. We were out from about 10am-12pm. We paddled about half of the lake. Still dark water, but saltwater. Saw several large jellyfish which were interesting. And Terri had a mullet jump in her boat. She did a good job of tossing him back without tipping! It felt good to be back out there. I had a few moments when I checked the time and realized it was almost 11:15, on a Sunday, and I was out on the water. I closed my eyes and coasted for a minute. Some of that day came back to me. When I opened my eyes a dragon fly flew by. It was the only one I saw until we were back on land then I saw another one when we were loading the kayaks back up. That day will always be with me, and there will be times I can't hold it back, but I know I can still take in the beauty and wonder around me and appreciate that I am still alive and it's okay.

Let's Say Thanks..

Another quick, easy, free nice thing to do.. check this out..

Click here: Let's Say Thanks

The least we can do..

I "blog jump"- I check out blogs, then click on links in their blogs and go to other blogs. I saw this in one of my "jumps" and am compelled to share it. It is an article that may be hard for some to read. But I think reading it is the least we can do for our service men & women who risk, and sometimes.. lose, their lives for us. It is long, 12 pages, but once you start you will be drawn to finish. Sad, yet poignant, and beautiful. If I already e-mailed this to you and you already read it.. good for you. If not, here's your chance..

Rocky Mountain News: News

Dark Water..

Well, I have been up almost all night. Dozed on the couch for about 45 minutes between 2 & 3am. I labeled all of Hunter's school items.. even the pencils! (Now before you claim I am OCD..the teacher's supply list asked us to do that!) Of course I used a label maker.. that may count as OCD so for those who thought it.. you got me!

I finally got the sidebar on this back up where it belongs. I also added a couple more links and I got a copyright for this blog since I may want to publish some of the stuff from it, and I needed one for the Citizens Against Road Rage site. I never know who may come accross it and want to use something from it.. just another way to CMA (Cover My Ass!)

I have my kayak loaded along with the gear. Terri & I are going to take a trip in Guana State Park (South Ponte Vedra Beach near St. Augustine). I wanted to go a couple weeks ago with Hunter but had the soft cast on my foot and couldn't go. Brianne is taking the kids for the day.. God Bless her!! (& Justin). I think the excitement is part of my sleeplessness. I am sure I made quite a picture with the kayak on the front lawn with me sitting in it adjusting the seat (with my fracture boot on, which I am sure added to the comical sight!). But I figured that was better than trying to do it in the water and flipping myself in every time I tried to adjust it. It is the first time using my kayak and seat, so I had to get it all set up. 3 of my neighbors just had to ask me if I was waiting for the tide to come in, or was there a weather bulletin they didn't know about. I am glad I gave them something to laugh about! I will fill you all in later tonight on how my venture into "dark water" turns out. I usually kayak down in Dunnellon on the Rainbow Springs River. It is 7+ miles of spring fed, crystal clear water. Constant 72 degrees. You can see everything in it, which does not include snakes or gators because the water is too cold. Guana is part of the St. John's River system which merges with the ocean just south of where we will be. It is not clear water, which is why I am not taking Hunter. I don't intend to flip or go in unwillingly, but it does happen from time to time. It should be some interesting paddling. I am really looking forward to it! TTYL

Rose Colored Glasses..

Actually they will be clear glasses in brown "magic twistable" frames. (Which is supposed to mean they are virtually indestructible!) Hunter went to the eye doctor today and will be wearing glasses in about a week. He had some issues on a pre-school screening, so we followed up and had some tests done today. He has a weak right eye and a visual deficit in his left eye. He thinks it is the coolest thing because he knows so many people with glasses. I am sure he won't think that when some cruel child decides to pick on him.

3 hours at the eye Dr. gave me plenty of time to think. I thought of how we see things so differently from one person to another. We can look at the same thing or deal with the same situation, yet what and how we see it varies. The human psyhe is amazing, as much as it is baffling. I spent some time with friends tonight and there were a couple discussions about the Venus/Mars (Woman/Man) perceptions. One example was something I did to decorate a wall in our home. We have a long windowless wall from our living room & dining room to the kitchen. It is a pretty long wall. I hung a curtain rod and curtains to create a "Faux" window in our dining area. Women thought it was great, what a neat idea. Guys just didn't get it. "Why would you put up curtains when there isn't a window there?" Some even went over and checked behind the curtains. " Why did you do that? There's no window!" And when I tried to explain it was just for decoration, to break up the long wall, to do something different.. they just couldn't register it.. "But why curtains? There isn't a window there!" I got bored with it after a while and rearranged a bit, put something else on that wall. I am thinking of doing the curtain thing again.. even if just to freak out all the guys and keep them guessing again! I could use the laugh!

Side Bar Missing..

I am clueless why the sidebar to this blog has moved down to the bottom of the page, so scan down for links, etc. It has done it once before and eventually righted itself. I have checked the template and can't find an error there, so who knows.. in the grand scheme of things it just isn't that big a deal, but for those of you who use the links, they are there, just at the bottom right of the page. Sorry!

The Ant Bully

I am listening to the twins yell & carry on in their room. They are supposed to be taking a nap! LOL. I took them to the movies today to see The Ant Bully.. a very good movie. They loved it. Of course they acted all sleepy in the car so I thought they would actually take an easy nap.. haha.. joke's on me! It was great to be with the 3 of them out of the house, in a fun, yet quiet, activity. They love going to the movies and it gives me a break as far as having to entertain them for an hour and a half. Plus I liked the movie too, so it was all good. Now some of you may be thinking I am crazy to do this myself, but there is a method to the madness. I take the double stroller, which keeps the twins sitting rather than running amok. I bring little bags to give them popcorn in and use little cups to give them fruit snacks or teddy grahams. They have their sippy cups, Hunter gets a kid's pack with a drink, so everyone is happy. As long as the movie isn't too long they do great. Regal has free movies every Tues. at 10 am and AMC has them on Wed. at 10:30 throughout the summer. Today's movie was Racing Stripes which we have on DVD and since it wasn't a cartoon I didn't think the twins would be real receptive. But The Ant Bully was funny and taught a good lesson, so it was worth it. Another plus.. at Regal the twins are free.. AMC charges kid's price for 2 and up. So I guess I will give in and let the twins go in the pool or play on the playground since, from the sound of it, they aren't planning on napping! Maybe they will go to bed early??

Anger..

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English, affliction, anger, from Old Norse angr grief; akin to Old English enge narrow, Latin angere to strangle, Greek anchein

1 : a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism

2 : RAGE

synonyms ANGER, IRE, RAGE, FURY, INDIGNATION, WRATH mean an intense emotional state induced by displeasure.

ANGER, the most general term, names the reaction but in itself conveys nothing about intensity or justification or manifestation of the emotional state .

IRE, more frequent in literary contexts, may suggest greater intensity than anger, often with an evident display of feeling .

RAGE suggests loss of self-control from violence of emotion .

FURY is overmastering destructive rage that can verge on madness .

INDIGNATION stresses righteous anger at what one considers unfair, mean, or shameful .

WRATH is likely to suggest a desire or intent to revenge or punish .

I was trying to verbalize my anger.. the extent of it, the volume of it, and could not find the words. Good old Merriam-Webster Dictionary seemed to cover the jist of it. I have been referred to as a control freak. I am not offended. I am a control freak. So it goes that it does not sit well with me that I can not control my anger. Although now that I have read an extended definition, I prefer Fury or Wrath, maybe even both. I can be performing the simplest of tasks and it comsumes me suddenly. That bastard is going about his life, while we are struggling to grieve and raise our family in this new world we have been forced to live in. I can't bring myself to accept the so-called process of justice. We struggle and suffer every day. Brian works much too hard to support all of us. Anger, Fury, Wrath, you betcha..