I know I jump from funny to sad, to general info to serious. You may feel like a ping pong ball being smacked back & forth.. sorry! Imagine how it feels to me! I was reading back over my blog from the wee hours of this morning. And although I was truthful, I may not have been completely forth coming about the whole do-gooder thing. It is like in the movie Shrek.. it has layers. More like an onion.. less like a parfait. Totally confused now?! Take a break and watch the movie, it is a good one and worthy of a few chuckles. And I am all about the chuckles..
Okay, now for the serious stuff.. and please understand.. I know the reality of it all, I can rationalize it all. But I can't always keep some of the darker and less sane thoughts from creeping in from time to time. And don't argue with me.. no one knows all my secrets.. no one knows all the things I have done in my life. I'm not all bad, but trust me, I am not all good either, and was even less so in my younger days!
I know deep down inside I have a little voice that says, "If I had been a better person, if I had not done some of the things I've done.. my daughter might still be here. Maybe that is why God has done this to us." I have always been a selfish person. I have not led an altruistic life. This is what grief does.. this is the guilt it gives to you along with the pain, the depression, the gaping black hole. The guilt isn't rational, it rarely makes sense. It doesn't have to. Any more than her death makes sense. I wasn't even here that day, I was hours from home. And that sometimes haunts me too. "If I had been home, I could have changed it. I could have done something!" It isn't rational, but it pops into my head from time to time. So part of trying to do for others is that guilt, and the fear that it could happen again to someone else I love. So I will do more, I will do better. Rational? No. But it is what it is.. that ping pong ball bouncing around inside my head.
1 comment:
Those layers on the onion, sting. You know what I'm talking about. I remember having a similar conversation with 'God' about Mada and Alex's differences. Rational or not we ask them only because supersticions creep in with their guilt paint balls and blast us. You'll know deep in your heart how to face those and know eventually it's not you or your self proclaimed sins or whatever. Forgiveness of one is the hardest think to do, continuously. Hey that's a haiku. I cut out an ad that once read I heard my door knock in and in walked self-doubt, I invited it in for coffee, sat down with it poured us a cup and took my sugar spoon and stuck it in it's eye! There's also 'when going through hell, keep on going, you'll come out the other end eventually'. Love ya
Post a Comment