Monday, June 05, 2006
The Bride & the Ring Bearer
Hunter got out of his tuxedo pretty quick, but was still the Bride's "little man"!
Mother and The Bride
One year ago today.. now the Bride is about to become a mother and the mother is about to become Gramma!! Amazing how life transforms us!
Britt & Tommy, The Day before their wedding..
At Brianne's reception..One of my favorites of them.. They got married the day after Brianne & Justin,, what a weekend that was!
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Brianne with Justin
Of all the pix, this is one of my favorites of them together. She is taking a breath, closing her eyes..leaning against him.. they are man & wife..
Proud Daddy, Beautiful Baby..
They danced to "Baby Mine" by Bette Midler at the reception.. we all cried!
A year ago today..
Hard to believe so much time has gone by.. What beautiful girls!
This was at Terri's, ready to go to the Castle!
This was at Terri's, ready to go to the Castle!
Saturday, June 03, 2006
My Hamster Wheel..
My hamster wheel is on autopilot. I just keep running and running and don't care where I go. I am busy with Shelia's wedding, which I love doing! I am busy with JACKPOTT and multiple projects through them. And as always I am busy with the kids and the house. I think I am trying to convince myself that if I stay super busy the next week will be easier.. don't I know better yet?! Be forewarned the blog for the next week or so may be pretty depressing.
I keep dreaming that I am pregnant with Kierra. I feel the first flutters of movement, and then the rolling and kicking she did the last few months before she was born. In my dream I rest my hands on my stomach full of life.. then in a flash it's gone, she is gone and I am laying there all alone. I know it is because her birthday is Friday. Yet knowing why doesn't lessen the unimaginable grief I feel as fresh and new as the day she was taken from us. So no matter how busy I make my waking hours, my mind does as it wishes with me in my sleep. As much as I focus on the good and the happy, how much I try to remember her laugh and her smile.. in my slumber I can not hold back the pain or the tears, nor can I stop the flood of emotion my dreams create. So I sleep as little as possible and when I am awakened by the pain of my grief, I don't allow myself to go back to sleep, to go back to that dark world where I am all alone and no one can help me, where no one can stop the dreams or the pain. Yes, I am tired, some days exhausted, but I can handle tired, I can handle exhausted.. I can't always handle the pain..
Friday, June 02, 2006
Remember the good..
Just last week I got a phone call from Jessie Miller ( she is Jessie Aquino now, expecting her 2nd child.. but she will always be Jessie MIller to me!) because she had just seen one of the blogs about Kierra and didn't know what had happened. I tried to reach her in November, but we had been out of touch and none of the info I had was any good. I think she & Kierra were about 6 or 7 years old when they met. We lived across from each other in base housing in New York. They were fast friends. It was very hard for them when it was time for our families to move on to another Air Force base. Then when we were in England they moved across from us again! They were inseperable. Which made it even harder when it was time to move again. They always kept in touch until they drifted apart the past couple years. It was and still is a shock for Jessie and her family. I know how fresh the pain still feels for me even after all these months. I keep telling her to hold onto the good. There are so many memories to enjoy. There are always tears, but don't let them take over and wash away the happiness and laughter. Kierra's laugh was infectious, I can still hear it... so remember that.. and so much more.
Lexie 18 months Aug. 2005
This was a photo taken when the twins were 18 months old. Kierra & I decided not to get it then because there wasn't a good one of Tristan to go with it. The photo place holds the negatives for 12 months, so I reviewed them all recently and decided this was too good not to keep!
Twins 6 2 2006
Today at the zoo's splash and play area. Tristan runs right through the water, but Lexie tip toes and won't get soaked! They are water babies.. we will have to set up the pool this weekend. I was worried taking all 3 by myself, but they did great. I refuse to stay home and stare at 4 walls all day!
Twins Swimsuit 4 7 2006
They caught this pic just as they both were jumping out of the boat, they refused to do the surfboard!
Easter All Three 4/7/2006
I forgot to post this and some other pix, don't forget to click on any photo and view the whole photo gallery, there are lots more pix!
(Alexa's hair was so pretty before they got running around and playing before this picture got taken!)
(Alexa's hair was so pretty before they got running around and playing before this picture got taken!)
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
A good start..
I am sitting here listening to the twins while they supposedly take their nap.. haha. I just registered my web site & domain name for Citizens Against Road Rage, it is www.citizensagainstroadrage.com (under construction, but on it's way.)
I am hoping to register the trademark C.A.R.R. too. It feels good to be doing this, to get it all started. To make Kierra's death mean something more than just another news story. Of course it means something to all of us, but I want something good to come from it, I want to make a difference. So here goes.....
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Alexa Fashion Diva
Notice the onesie over the shorts, our attempt to keep her diaper on!
The hat is one she wouldn't wear during the winter and won't take off now that she found it in a box I was going through!
The hat is one she wouldn't wear during the winter and won't take off now that she found it in a box I was going through!
Kierra and Alexa May 2005
I hunted all over for the original to this picture. I found a copy I had given to Kierra in the Twin's toybox when we packed her apt. It was crumpled and scratched. I had to get it restored.
I am amazed at the beauty of such a simple moment caught in time..
Kierra and Alexa May 2005
Originally uploaded by mommanana.
My "all knowing" son..
How is it that Hunter is so "knowing"? I didn't make it into the hot tub last night.. Hunter woke up and was in the mood to talk.. He asked about when he was a baby, and if he did the things the twins are doing now. He asked alot about when Kierra, Brianne, & Chad were babies too. He asked me how did I know I wanted to be a Mom? And did it take a long time for me to learn how to be good at it, like him learning to ride his bike? I told him yes, it took my whole life, and I am still learning! He asked me if I knew Brian when he was little, I explained I didn't know him until we were both older. He couldn't believe I was Chad's age when we met and got married. So of course he was wondering why Chad didn't even have a girlfriend, and when would Chad grow up? He asked about all my brothers and sisters, and informed me that was way too many kids! I told him it was only one more than Kie, Bri, Chad, Him, & the twins. He gave me his raised eyebrow look and made it very clear..." then your Mom wins.. we aren't having any more kids in this house!"
I told him I agreed.. and we fell asleep on the couch together.. it did me much more good than the hot tub!
Garage Gremlins..
It is still Wednesday for me, I haven't gone to bed yet.. I spent 5 hours cleaning and organizing the garage.. again! I am convinced that we have little garage gremlins. They come in when we aren't looking and mess things up. Greg & Lisa spent an entire day helping us totally clear out the garage and put in shelves, etc. I have been out there a number of times since then, yet every time there seems to be a bigger mess, and I find more things I need to sort through. I told Brian to take a good long look, it wouldn't stay clean long! He took a few hours off work tonight so I made the most of it and let him handle the kids while I tackled the garage. (I did take a break to let him know how to put them to bed), I finished about 12:30 am. I have a couple boxes and bins of clothes to go through, but I may leave it til tomorrow. I hear the hot tub calling my name! (Which Brian worked very hard on emptying it out and cleaning it the past couple days.. Thanks honey!)
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Life does move on..
The past couple weeks have been crazy! Hunter "graduated" from Pre-K, so his school days are over until fall. His last week of preschool Chad got a job..he heard about it Monday, went to talk to them, and started the next morning! Needless to say, it has been hectic for me. He was my other set of arms! He watched them when I just needed to run Hunter to school or go to the store, or the Dr, or the chiropractor, or when I just needed a moment to regain my sanity!
Where he works is right at the front of our subdivision, so he can walk there. He is profiling computer games! Mon-Fri.. 11am - about 7:30 or 8:00, depending on how much he has to do. He pretty much got to pick his hours. I am happy for him, it is right up his alley, and gives him a life outside of his room! Of course, it is another room, doing the same thing, but there are other people there!
Hunter had his cast removed, his "bumps" treated, and is already bored with no school. The twins love having him home and we are trying to set a routine together. Alexa is still houdini with her diaper. If I put a onesie on her that she can't get out of, she undoes the tabs on the diaper, then pulls it out of the leghole of the onesie..so now I put training pants over the diaper, under the onesie, so far so good! Tristan & Alexa are both too tall for their lightweight sleeper pajamas, so I had to go get size 3.. they seem so long, but I am sure they will out grow into them! The size 2 were too tight in length to put on Alexa backwards (you have to turn the feet around). Backwards because otherwise she unzips them and takes them and her diaper off.. we find her sleeping naked in a wet bed!
I have been cleaning out our storage unit. Brenda helped me go through some of Kierra's clothes yesterday. It is strange how we attach memories to things. There were things both Brenda & I could remember the day it was bought, or an occasion she wore something, which ones were her favorites, and which things we knew did not fit over her butt! I had already set some things aside when we cleaned out the apartment, but did not have the time or emotional energy to go through it all then.
But life does move on.. it is amazing the things the twins have outgrown and how much they have changed in the past 6 months. Andrea at Applebee's is no longer working there. We try to go there when we can with the kids, everyone is so supportive and it feels like home. Andrea had car washes planned and always kept me up with what was going on. It will seem strange with out her there. There are graduations & weddings, birthdays and celebrations. Some of Kierra's friends have faded away a bit, and others have major changes going on as well. Brenda cut her hair short! Which is adorable, but a major change for her.. and us.. I have never seen her with short hair in all the years I have known her. It is so cute I want to get mine cut, but everyone tells me NO!
I sometimes think I want to freeze time and stop all the changes. I do not trust my memory or my ability to handle what may come tomorrow. But then I think I can not bear this day without her, maybe tomorrow will be easier.. so I take a deep breath and another step forward because I don't know what else to do.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
"It's just emotion that's taken me over..
"tied up in sorrow, lost in my soul.." The rest of the song doesn't apply, but those few words sure do! I seem to get sad, angry, frustrated.. all at the drop of a hat. Some of it has been founded. Those "little things" to others can be something really important to me. But then I get emotional and I can't control it.
I try to be honest and tell people how I feel. I don't want everything written off because of "grief" either. I am more sensitive of course. But I have always been a bitch, and that part of me still remains. Those who know me, know that isn't new! Though the flip side of that is.. I may be bitchy, but don't ignore what I am bitching about!
I try to think if I was any happier with life before Kierra was killed, or was I miserable then too, just on a different level? Her death has changed everything, but aren't I the same person at the core? Or is who we are directly connected to those we love, and when you lose a part of yourself, it all unravels a little and can't be put back together quite the same way? hmmm.. I don't have the emotional energy to answer that. I am not sure if I even know. This sounds pretty depressing doesn't it?? The good moments are so intertwined with the bad, it is hard to differentiate. I try, and I do have good times and I am not always a wreck. Honest.. really.. I swear..
Monday, May 15, 2006
Family Aug 22, 2004
I am so glad we had these done..it is the last time we all had our pictures done together.
Mother & Daughter Banquet 2005
This will always be one of my favorite pictures.. I try to hold onto the smiles and the laughter..
Sunday, May 14, 2006
The weight of it all..
I kept busy all day today (actually Saturday!) My mind couldn't release that it was the 13th.. 6 months since Kierra was killed.. but I kept my body busy. Brianne had Hunter over night Friday, and after getting up at 4 am.. the twins slept in, so I got to too! We all got dressed up and went to the Mother & Child Banquet at Brianne's church.. we go every year. It was nice. Of course there was a woman at our table who said it was so sad to see the twins there without Kierra.. and couldn't help commenting that they could pass for my own children there was such a similarity and no one would have to know they weren't mine. I know she meant well. Most people do when they open their mouths and insert their feet..
Brianne & I moved some furniture out of storage and to a friend's house. We really can't afford to keep everything in storage much longer and I would rather someone get some use out of it all. Brianne is my little amazon.. she is stronger and much more of a help to me than Chad or Brian when it comes to moving things or getting things done! We make a pretty good team! Then she took the twins & Hunter to an event at the Zoo sponsored by her job at the hospital. She is keeping them overnight for church tomorrow and will bring them home in the evening. That was her Mother's Day gift to me.. it was so quiet I fell asleep on the couch! I woke up thinking I needed to check on the kids.. then realized they weren't here!
So I got up and went to bed. I layed down and thought I would just go back to sleep.. and then had the strangest sensation.. like someone layed a large sack of potatoes on top of me.. my head felt heavy.. my chest felt heavy, then my stomach and my legs. It was smothering.. I had to get up. All I could think of was.. the weight of it all was too much. The 13th, mother's day, court on Monday (another pre-trial), Kierra's birthday coming soon, is just too much. My mind flashing pictures of Kierra when she was born, when she was little, when she was a teenager, when she was pregnant, at Bri's wedding, with the babies, and the images my mind creates of her death.. it is all too much.. and there are truly times.. the weight of it all.. is smothering me and it is just too much..
Friday, May 12, 2006
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Mommy & Kierra June 9 1981
My first born, my first everything...she gave me the gift of motherhood, and grandmotherhood, and so much more...now I will have my first Mother's day without her...
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
All is good..
Okay, I have been razzed for not "writing" much lately and for using atricles, e-mails, etc. to fill space... Guilty as charged! I have been busy, out of town, then sick.. not really excuses, just how it is..
Hunter is registered for Kindergarten.. he is going to J. Allen Axson, a Montessori school, we are very happy he got in. He goes to all his Doctors tomorrow.. A dermatologist for 2 small growths in his groin area.. had to wait for a referral.. may just be some type of wart.. started with one, then got a 2nd one and they are getting larger. Then in the afternoon, he goes to the ortho Dr. to check his arm, hopefully get his cast off, and see what tests they want to do to check what is going on with his bones. His Pre-K graduation is May 18th. Hard to believe he starts school the beginning of August! His Pre-K cap & gown pix should be back by graduation. I will post them when I get them.
Alexa is our resident Nudist. I thought it was because she didn't like her diaper wet or dirty.. now it is just because she wants to be naked! She is Houdini.. and gets her brother to unzip her PJs when I put them on her backwards. I now have to come up with new ideas to keep her clothed.. it wouldn't be such a big deal, but miss Nudie pees wherever she is standing (or sitting!)when she doesn't have a diaper on..
Tristan is our resident Demolition expert.. he can break anything he can get his hands on.. kicked the wall to knock down their CD player and managed to rip the door off of it while they were taking a nap yesterday.. (it was up on a high shelf in their room.. he knows if he kicks the wall, it vibrates and knocks things down.).. has gotten into the curio cabinet unnoticed (how??) and broke one of Brian's police memorial things. We aren't even sure when that happened! He can climb up and over the couch with a single bound.. has ripped the security system wiring from around their window.. (it goes almost down to the floor.. they stand on the window sill and look out.) He was so proud he showed it to me when I was coming home yesterday and they were supposed to be taking a nap. I couldn't get the wiring off without a chisel when I have removed it from other windows!
Then we have mornings like today.. Hunter was at school and it was just the twins & I.. we were on the living room floor and they tried to tickle me.. so I tickled them back, and they were all laughs and giggles, hugs & kisses. Alexa laughed out loud like her mother and I had to hold back tears for a minute, she looks so much like her, and her mannerisms are so familiar to me. Tristan does the "Becky Look" like Kierra did, where he tilts his head down then looks out of the top of his eyes. Usually when he is into mischief or in trouble.. just like his mother!
So all is good.. as good as it can be...
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
An e-mail worth sharing..
Subject: Happy Mothers Day
This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers
in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and
cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's okay honey, Mommy's here"
Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying
babies who can't be comforted. This is for all the mothers who show up
at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses
and diapers in their purse.
For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew
Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.
This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see.
And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.
This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are
hanging on their refrigerator doors.
And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers
at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of
their cars, so that when their kids asked, "Did you see me, Mom?" they could
say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it.
This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the
grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream
for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten
grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream
for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten
instead, but realize how child abuse happens.
This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and
explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand) mothers
who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.
This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can
eat. For all the mothers who read "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for
a year. And then read it again. "Just one more time."
This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and
explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand) mothers
who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.
This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can
eat. For all the mothers who read "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for
a year. And then read it again. "Just one more time."
This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie
their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who
opted for Velcro instead.
This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and
their daughters to sink a jump shot.
This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a
little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their
own offspring are at home -- or even away at college.
This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with
stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only
to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick
them up. Right away.
This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't
find the words to reach them.
For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when
their 14 year olds dye their hair green.
their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who
opted for Velcro instead.
This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and
their daughters to sink a jump shot.
This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a
little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their
own offspring are at home -- or even away at college.
This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with
stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only
to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick
them up. Right away.
This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't
find the words to reach them.
For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when
their 14 year olds dye their hair green.
For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings,
and the mothers of those who did the shooting.
For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in
front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from
school, safely.
This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be
peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.
What makes a good Mother anyway?
Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby,
cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?
Or is it in her heart? Is it the ache you feel when you watch your
son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for
the very first time?
The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2
A.M. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?
The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when you just
want to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in
your home?
Or the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child
when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?
The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are
for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep
deprivation...
And mature mothers learning to let go.
For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.
Single mothers and married mothers..
Mothers with money, mothers without.
This is for you all. For all of us
Hang in there. In the end we can only do the best we can. Tell
them every day that we love them. And pray.
"Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall."
For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.
Single mothers and married mothers..
Mothers with money, mothers without.
This is for you all. For all of us
Hang in there. In the end we can only do the best we can. Tell
them every day that we love them. And pray.
"Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall."
Thursday, May 04, 2006
It is still so fresh..
There have been alot of things lately that bring it all forward again. I can't just tuck it away at the back of my mind. I posted Brian's entry to Kierra's online guestbook from her obituary. He is more eloquent than he thinks..
We went to court this morning with the officer and his wife who's 24 year old daughter, Kristen, was killed on March 12th. As I sat there I thought.. this is so raw for them, so fresh. I thought about next week being Mother's day and also 6 months since Kierra was killed. I think of a baby going from birth to 6 months old.. half a year.. and all the growth that child goes through. So how can it be 6 months since that horrible moment?? How can so much of my world have kept going?
Brian & I held hands in court this morning. I think of how you plan a marriage.. to love each other for better and worse. I never imagined this. That the "worse" would or could be this awful. I couldn't love him more. I am so glad we have turned to each other instead of away.
The Fernandina Shrimp Festival is this weekend. Brian & I both realized it was something we couldn't do yet.. that was a family affair. Everyone's schedule was too crazy to go last year. Maybe we will take the kids next year..
I am going to Atlanta with Greta this weekend. An emotional retreat.. no promises that I will be out of this funk when I get back... it is what it is!
Brian's entry to the Online guestbook for Kie..
To My Grouch,I know I probably should have put an entry here sooner, but words are so hard to find. I've never been as eloquent as your Mom is. I love you and miss you so much. Not a day goes by that you're not in my thoughts. I still can't imagine having to live the rest of my life without your smile, your laugh and hearing you say "I love you daddy!". I wish I could spend just one more hour, just one more day, just one more lifetime with you here. I go to the place where I lost you often, just to think and talk to you. If only you could answer back. I'm trying so hard to hold on to all the memories I have of you so that I can pass them on to Alexa and Tristan. I want them to know what an awesome mother you were. I know that you would have been the Mom that all the other kids were jealous of ("Your mom is so cool! I wish my mom was like yours"" are what I know everyone would have told Alexa and Tristan).I will always love you and miss you so much my baby.Love always,Dad
Monday, May 01, 2006
Top 10 Tips to Curb Road Rage from an AOL article by Edmunds.com
1. Get your Zs. A national epidemic of sleepiness is a contributing factor to road rage, according to the National Sleep Foundation. We all know how cranky we get without enough sleep. It makes us prone to feelings of annoyance, resentment and even anger. Eight hours is still the recommended daily dose of sleep for adults.
2. Plan ahead. Do you regularly whiz through your morning routine in a whirlwind of chaos, trying to make up time while on the road? Do you allow just enough time to drive to an appointment? Then you're probably also more prone to a lead foot and a lost temper. If you add 10 minutes to your expected travel time, you'll have time to stop for gas, safely navigate those snowy roads or detour around road construction. Also, try preparing clothing, briefcases, children's school bags and lunches the night before to minimize your morning rush. Extra time equals calmer driving.
3. Your car is not a therapist. Many of us love and identify with our cars, but sometimes you can take the "car as extension of self" idea too seriously. If your boss or your spouse left you steaming, take care not to use driving as a way to blow off steam. Competitive types (you know who you are) shouldn't try to prove themselves on heavily traveled thoroughfares -- save that enthusiasm for weekend romps on your favorite back roads. No matter how much power you've got under the hood, your vehicle is first and foremost a mode of transportation, not a weapon.
4. Turn down the bass. Without getting into the argument over "aggressive music makes people aggressive," it makes sense that listening to relaxing music -- or even a comedy channel on satellite radio -- will make you less pumped up for action than a driving bass line. Try tuning in to classical or jazz to reduce stress. Or listen to an audiobook. (Here are our Top 10 Audiobooks to get you started.) Either way will also help drown out stressful traffic noise.
5. Loosen up, then breathe: If you notice yourself clenching the steering wheel in a death grip, try flexing your fingers and loosening your hold -- you'll find that you can control the car just as well. If your right foot is cramped, set the cruise control if traffic allows. If you're on a prolonged road trip, try not to exceed three hours of travel time without a break where you get out and stretch. Struggling to see through a dirty windshield is also an unnecessary stress factor, so fill up with washer fluid before you go. Periodically roll down the window and breathe deeply and slowly.
6. It's not about you. Perhaps another driver cut you off. Or the car in front of you is braking erratically. Before you assume the driver is getting off on your rising anger levels, realize that you, as an individual, are not the target. Perhaps the driver simply made a mistake or was just being oblivious. Maybe there's a screaming baby, a loose pet or a crazed bee in the car. Maybe he was on a cell phone. The point is, don't take things so personally.
7. Hostility is toxic. And risky. People most prone to anger are almost three times more likely to have a heart attack than those with low anger, according to the American Psychological Association. Other health risks seen in those who display hostility include obesity, depression and stroke. Wow, who knew? Safe driving promotes healthy hearts!Not only will giving into anger not resolve an irritating situation, it can increase the risk of retaliation. Think to yourself, "Is making my point worth endangering my life?" If all else fails, do a mental 180 and try to laugh it off.
8. Use restaurant etiquette. While it's upsetting when a stranger is rude or cuts in line in a restaurant or store, most folks wouldn't lose their cool and become abusive as a result. It isn't only because they have good manners. Driving a car makes people feel more isolated and protected, allowing them to act in ways they would normally find embarrassing. So when another driver acts like a jerk, respond as though you're in a restaurant. And we don't mean Chuck E. Cheese's.
9. Take the self-test. Classes designed to help curb aggressive driving often have participants tape-record themselves while driving. Hearing themselves swear or rant on tape is enough of a wake-up call for them to recognize and reduce dangerous behavior. So try analyzing your driving. Do any of the following statements sound like you? · I regularly exceed the speed limit in order to get to work on time. · I tailgate other drivers, especially those who sit in the left lane. · I flash my lights and honk my horn to let drivers know when they annoy me. · I verbally abuse other drivers whether they can hear me or not. · I frequently weave in and out of traffic to get ahead. · I feel the need to set bad drivers straight. If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, your driving may qualify as aggressive. The American Institute for Public Safety (AIPS) has a more detailed RoadRageous Test that determines if your driving habits fall under the "aggressive zone," "hostile zone" or -- worse yet -- "war zone."
10. Practice kindness. Dr. Leon James, aka "Dr. Driving" and author of Road Rage and Aggressive Driving, says that remembering simple courtesies, like allowing someone to merge or apologizing when we make a mistake, can go a long way in making the driving experience positive for ourselves and others. His basic motto is the old "do unto others" rule: Treat fellow drivers how you would like to be treated.As additional incentive, reducing your aggressiveness on the road can also keep you out of serious trouble: Several states have created special law enforcement teams to seek out and cite aggressive drivers. Depending on the frequency of offenses, violators may be fined, lose their license temporarily or even face jail time. Often, they are required to take a behavior-modification class as well.We're all bound to lose our cool at some point, but by planning ahead and keeping things in perspective, we can prevent our emotions from getting the best of us. Putting aggressive driving in park will help to ensure your own safety, as well as the safety of everyone around you.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Full of Bull?
Hmmm, the twins are napping and Hunter is sitting in his tent in the living room. There are dozens of things I should/could be doing, but that doesn't motivate me to do them does it? I got my foot x-rayed today and there may be a stress fracture above where I had the seperation break before...peachy! I see the chiropractor on Monday, maybe then this headache will go away! There has been a funky dark cloud hanging over my head for the better part of this week. I am aggravated, tired, depressed. Everything sucks, and I don't have the energy to care.
Yet I have managed to go to my JACKPOTT ( Jax parents of Twins & Triplets) meetings, cook for a family who just had twins, deal with my own family and household, and smile when neccesary. The negative seems to outweigh the positive and all the chamomille tea in the world doesn't seem to help. Maybe it would if I could drown people in it! Ok, OK.. I almost didn't mean that..
It doesn't seem to be just me, there just seems to be so much negative stuff going on. Dori says it is the cycle of the moon and Taurus is coming, which will put things in control.. ( I informed her Brian is Taurus and he is not always in control! And he can stir things up quicker than Pooh sneaking honey from a bee's nest!) Well, get out the red cape and bring the Bull on!
Thursday, April 27, 2006
I know.. I started it!
Okay, in case you all don't read the comments.. Aimee says it wasn't her, someone else used her screen name, which gives them even less right to speak for Kierra! (so pass my opinion on to her Aimee, and I guess you should change your password!).. funny I didn't see any other blog or comment where Aimee explained that.. I am not the only one who read the original comment and felt the same way, I would think she would have wanted to clarify that, anyway ... I also have seen other messages and postings from her to Brenda and I think they both need to avoid each other like the plague!.. even on the internet. And this is MY blog, for MY feelings and that is what it is!..if anyone wants to bash whomever, or rant & rave.. start your own blog and go for it! This discussion is .... OVER.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
While I am on a roll...
Okay.. I drive a big, red van.. not a mini cooper , or some other tiny car you can't see... I have commented on that a couple times in the past week because people drive like they can't see this big-ass red Nana-van! I even have big purple lettering accross the top of the back window " Road Rage Kills..." then " Remember Kierra Lee Shore 6.9.81-11.13.05" with a fairie on both side rear windows.
Like yesterday when I was rearended on Southside Boulevard. I was taking the twins to lunch after their WIC appointment. This young (25) girl and her friend were in sporty Saturn behind me. I noticed a few times she was following too close, too fast, then would back off. Well, I stopped for a red light .. and she didn't. Her car just banged up my bumper, but tore up her front end. I think she went into and under my bumper. I used my left foot to brace on my brake when I saw her coming too fastand I didn't want to be slammed into the car stopped in front of me, and so now my foot is in major pain, may have a stress fracture ( what an appropriate name!) I go see my Dr. in a couple hours.. The girl didn't bother to ask if we were okay.. she kept saying.. I don't know what happened.. I told her.. you weren't paying attention & you hit me, that's what happened! Now I get to deal with Insurance companies and put my car back in the shop! My life is way too much fun for me!! ( Please note sarcasm!)
Me, annoyed? Go Figure!
Okay, I have been festering something that has grown like a fungus...
On Brenda's blog, there was a comment made in response to Brenda telling about spending the day watching the twins for me a couple months ago.. the comment was that the twin's "REAL MOM" would never have allowed that because Brenda is a danger to children. This mean, intentionally hurtful comment was based on a car accident Brenda had a while back and she had 2 kids she was babysitting in the car. Those kids were not hurt, and the choices, however in error, that Brenda made that night, were based on her fear for the kid's safety as well as her own. That really doesn't matter actually.. what matters is, this spiteful, petty, nasty person... ... does not have a clue what MY daughter would or would not do with her children. Kierra made Brenda the twin's Godmother, and wether or not they always got along, they always resolved any differences. There are alot of fake people in this world, and as with most things that are not genuine, they don't last and can't be trusted to be strong & true. How dare she even begin to presume to speak for Kierra... annoyed probably doesn't quite cover it! (Edited to give Aimee benefit of the doubt that someone else used her screen name.)
More to catch up on..
I am trying to remember things from the past couple weeks and my mind is a blur..
Last Friday I took the twins to Wild Adventures in Valdosta, GA so Alex could see them. It was a hard choice to take them. All in all it was a good day, They didn't know him and Alexa was alot more reserved with him than Tristan was. They played hard and had a blast. They loved the water park. I think Alex was suprised how much they have grown and how much they are their own individual personality. He didn't make any demands or get into any heavy conversations about his intentions, and neither did I. Right now he is preparing to go to Texas for 2 months training, then Iraq for a year.
Kierra's high school boyfriend, James, came by last week too. He just came back from living out in Kansas or Arkansas. He came and visited and played with the kids. It is still very emotional for him. I told him that's ok, it is for me too..
I haven't seen Darnell much lately, he is supposed to call and let me know his days off so we can plan something with the kids. They miss him too. They like to look at a picture I have of Darnell & Kierra where they both have huge smiles on their faces. Alexa points and giggles, Tristan then laughs too. Boy, do I need that laughter!
I am running on emotional empty.. I try to be there/here for everyone, but I notice I have a harder time keeping in touch, and following through with projects I need to get done. I fall asleep on the couch more often than not lately, and wake up there in the wee hours of morning. My house is falling down around me and I don't have the energy to care!
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Home again, Home again..
The theory that the kids would sleep if we traveled at night was good, the reality was not! Hunter did sleep good both there and back. Tristan slept an hour or 2 on the way up, but Alexa did not sleep at all, and every stop they wanted out! On the trip home they slept about half way. I don't see another trip like that in our immediate future!
They were off schedule for the first few days home. I still have stuff to unpack and put away! It seems so hectic since we have been back. More so than usual! There have been appointments, problems and just every day life to deal with.
One of those "deal with" things has been Alex, the twin's biological father. He called a few weeks ago and left a message for Kierra. He is in the military, Army I think, and needed a copy of their birth certificates to make them his beneficiaries. He is going to Iraq in August. We had no way to contact him before now and didn't know if he had heard about Kierra's death. I called him back and asked to meet. I couldn't tell him on the phone. I remember hearing it over the phone and had to tell too many people that way. We met in Valdosta, GA. It was a hard, long day. He was very upset. It was hard for him to believe. His own mother died when he was the same age as the twins, so I think it brought all that back to him. I have explained to Brian.. I did this because it was the right thing to do.. period. Despite how I feel about his treatment of Kierra in court last year, and the fact that he has not been providing for his children, he did, at one time, love Kierra. And Kierra loved him. They produced children together. And foremost is what is best for the children. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. There are no absolutes..and for now, Alex had a right to know she was killed. So when does this emotional rollercoaster stop??
Tennessee
The trip was....hmmm.....good? Not bad..not great...not really a break of any sort other than scenery change. it was good to see my Mom & Dad, and my sister Robyn, and her husband, Smitty. But with the kids staying mainly downstairs there wasn't really much chance to socialize as much as I would have liked. Having the kids all sleep with us in the same room made things difficult for putting them to bed as well. Brian got a rude awakening to what it is like to be with the kids 24/7! (haha) Brenda came with us and was a huge help to me. My mom is putting together a book of poetry, so I did some editing for her and got it corrected on the printer's computer in town, then did the final edit before we left. She was sick with walking pneumonia while we were there so they didn't do much with us. We went to Dollywood, the Apple Barn, Smokey Mountain Knifeworks, and ran around town a couple times. The place has grown alot since we lived there. They even have a dayspa up toward Jefferson City.. I was able to get my legs waxed!! Brenda & Brianne goofed off in the front waiting area while I was there! They were like a couple of little kids! It was good for them to have time together. Funny, they had to travel 10 hours away from home to spend time together..
I saw the Gazebo on Easter Sunday, but didn't get the chance to go over to it or spend any time there. Having Kierra all around me made it bittersweet. I saw her and heard her so many times. The day we went to Dollywood I tried to stay in good spirits. I tried not to mention what day it was. Then today I read Brenda's blog about that day, and she had remembered it was the 13th. Neither of us mentioned it to the other, but we both knew.. It doesn't go far even when it does back off a little.. it is always there, waiting, looking for the moment when your mind wanders to something you think is insignificant, some small trivial thing you see or hear, then you think.. Kie would like that, or I bet Kie would think that was funny, I can see & hear her laugh out loud.. then the reminder, then the knowledge is there.... and it sucks!
Playing "Catch-up"
Hunter asked me what I was doing the other day when I was on the computer and sorting through some boxes. I answered "playing catch-up"..he then rambled on for a minute and didn't stop to let me interrupt.. he said:
"Playing with Ketchup?? Why would you play with ketchup? That is for food!.. and if you play with it I will not have any for my french fries.. and ketchup is messy and someone will have to clean that mess up and it will not be me!"
I then explained what I said and what I meant.. but chuckled the whole time! Now how did he know I needed that?
Friday, April 14, 2006
Everywhere..
That is where I see Kierra.. everywhere. We didn't plan this trip to Tennessee solely to avoid the Easter holiday at home, although that is part of it.. we have always enjoyed Tennessee and it is an opportunity for the kids to get away too. And I knew being here the first time since she was killed would bring back alot of memories. She loved it here. We went to Dollywood today and had a good day. I remembered alot of the things we did when Brenda, Kierra, & I came here when she was pregnant. I know Sunday will be the hardest..maybe I knew it would be, but came anyway. Not because of Easter..because Kierra was determined, if she ever got married.. it would be at the Gazebo of my parent's church.. because her Grampa helped build that Gazebo with his own hands, and that is the only place she ever wanted to have her wedding. She knew 2 things for certain. She would be married there and she would dance with her Dad to Butterfly Kisses...and now that day will never come. But Sunday I will go to that church, and see that Gazebo, empty.. with the ghosts of her dreams haunting me.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
One more day...
What I wouldn't give.. what I wouldn't say..
just to be given.. one more day.
There wasn't enough time.. or any other way..
to keep you here with me.. one more day..
an unfinished poem.. for an unfinished life..
Tristan CAN Talk!
I knew he could.. but I didn't know how much and was beginning to get concerned. Alexa seems to do all the talking and Tristan whines or grunts and points his finger alot. When that doesn't work, Alexa talks for him. Well today he talked a blue streak!
I decided to take him for a haircut.. no biggie there.. but I decided to take just Tristan. Hunter & Alexa stayed home with Brian. (and they all survived!) Tristan got upset when we first started to pull out of the driveway.. he yelled and cried "No.. Door! (pointing at our front door), No bye-bye, Dunner, Egga!" (Hunter, Lexa). He cried until we reached the shopping center close to our house.
Then he got excited and started pointing at all the cars in the parking lot.."Cars!". Clear as a bell. In the store he waved and told people "Hi!". When he saw something he wanted he said "Pease?" (Please) and when I let him hold something he said "dangoo" (Thank You!). I have been prompting them all to say please and thank you, but this is the first time I have heard Tristan actually say it! To actually say more than a word or so here and there. It was the most I have ever heard him talk. I took him to lunch and he just kept talking.. more "hi" and "Pease", "dangoo" and "more" when he wanted more to eat or drink. He said "eat" when we first walked in. And told the waiter "dangoo" when they brought our food, so he even used it in the right context!
I know it seems I am easily excited, but I was truly concerned about his speech being so much behind Alexa. I am going to rotate giving them one on one time like that. It was strange to only take one of them. I can't recall doing that since they were tiny babies, and it was just to take Tristan to the doctor then.
They are growing so fast.. Alexa was trying to count my rings on my fingers tonight, and although she didn't know how to say the names of the numbers, she was counting in her own language. We are starting on potty training with her. She is not so sure, but she strips and ditches her diaper anytime she wets or messes in them, so it is time! I am outwitting her by putting on her one piece pajamas backwards, she doesn't like it, but so far she can't get out of it! Tristan doesn't seem to care much about it, but maybe Alexa will help get him motivated. Who knows, maybe he will suprise me with that too!
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Just close your eyes...
One year ago today Brian's Dad, Harry, passed away. It seems hard to believe it has been a year already. I think of he & Kierra when the Brad Paisley/Dolly Parton song.. "When I Get to Where I'm Going", comes on the radio. It talks about getting to heaven, "I'd go walking with my Grampa, and he'll match me pace for pace"...Harry lost both his legs to Diabetes and problems due to an injury many years ago, but if you believe we are all healed in Heaven, he would be walking again.. and then the song says "I'd tell him that I've missed him every minute since he'd left..", Kierra journaled about how much she loved him and how he accepted her with no judgements, and how terribly much she missed him. It was even in one of her very last entries. And then the song says " and then I'll hug his neck". No matter how sick Harry was, or what kind of mood he was in when he was sick, Kie was the first to hug & kiss him no matter what. So I try to believe, despite my anger and my doubts. I try to think of her with Harry, and My neices Ashley, & Mada. With Grammy, Nana & Grampy, and Gramma Post, her Grampa Glover, Nana & Pop Mace, Rick Landeck, and Kristen. Kierra never met a stranger, and loved with her whole heart, I figure that won't change, even now.. I am selfish, I want her here with me. Just as I am sure everyone wants the loved ones they have lost to be back with them. So I do what Hunter says.. and I close my eyes....
The Chaos keeps coming..
From sick babies to broken bones! Tristan & Alexa spent most of the week with the croupy crud, and Alexa had a sinus & ear infection that popped out of no where. Tristan is usually the one with the ear infections. He got the better end of the deal this time. Alexa was a major grump! They are doing much better and seem to be over the worst of it.
Then while out running errands yesterday I got a call from Pre school that Hunter had fallen and after 20 minutes he was still saying his arm & hand really, really hurt. They had iced it and kept him quiet to see what needed to be done. I told them I never underestimate Hunter's injuries anymore and he doesn't usually exagerate pain. I picked him up and went straight to the ER. A buckle fracture of both bones in his forearm. He is in a temporary cast until he sees the Pediatric Orthopedic Specialist on Wednesday. He has had bone density tests done since breaking both his legs in Sept. of 2004. The Doc said the numbers were low, but wasn't concerned. He thought Hunter was just at the fragile point when kids have a growth spurt and their bones are longer and thinner. Then they thicken up and the cycle begins again. Our Pediatrician wants more tests done now because although kids do break bones, they don't tend to get buckle fractures every time. Never a dull moment! So Karate is on hold and he won't go to pre-school til he gets the permanent cast on Wednesday. Needless to say, chaos reigns at my house!
Princess Alexa
avoiding the carseat! We were leaving the Dr.s office and I was by myself.. they thought it was funny to go in opposite directions.. Tristan headed for the front of the van, Alexa headed for the back!
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Hunter, the Uncle-Brother..
That is what he calls himself. He says since they will live with us forever now, the twins are more like a brother and sister. He told me this just after Kierra's death. His perception amazes me sometimes. When he has seen me sad and asked if it is because I miss Kierra, I tell him yes, and he puts his hand on my face, tells me to close my eyes, and says, "there, can you see her now? she is right there Mommy. All you have to do is close your eyes and you can see her again."
He has been going to grief counseling. He has alot of anger right now..don't we all? I got passes for he & I to go to the Disney parks once a month for him to get some one on one time away from everyone & everything. We went in January, but missed out in Feb. so he & I went this week on Wed. & Thurs. We went to MGM & Animal Kingdom. He asked me when we can bring the twins with us, when will they be big enough to go on rides? I told him it would be awhile, and this time was just for him. He said that was good, but they could come sometimes too.
Hunter was getting a haircut yesterday and the lady was asking him if he has brothers or sisters, and before I could answer for him, he told her he had different brothers & sisters now because we take care of Tristan & Alexa. She commented that must be nice.. and again he jumped in before me with " No, it isn't very nice because their Mom died". The poor girl didn't know what to say. I told Hunter the woman thought it was nice because she didn't know what had happened. His reply was.. " Oh, well, she was my sister and she died, so her babies live with us, and it is nice sometimes, but not all the time."
Then later yesterday we were all getting loaded into the car to go somewhere and I was getting in and asked Hunter to please buckle up, he should have already done that, and he told me Alexa had taken her shoe off and thrown it at Tristan. It made Tristan cry, so Hunter said he was kissing Tristan's boo boo for Kierra.
He is 5 years old..they should be 5 innocent, carefree years old. Like the rest of us, this has changed him. And as a mother, watching her child, all her children, struggle with something this hard, this horrible, it just plain sucks!
They are what they are..
Tuesday night Brianne & I took the kids to see Curious George. The twins did good. They got bored toward the end, and decided to make some noise, but the theater wasn't crowded so no biggie. Then we went to Red Lobster for dinner. Darnell wasn't working but he came over and had dinner with us. Tristan & Alexa were glad to see him. So was I. I know how hard this has been for me, so I can't imagine what it must be like for him. To not only lose Kierra, but essentially the twins too. I would never stop him from seeing them. But they were a family. They lived together and shared their lives and dreams together. Now that is gone. I can't give that back to him. I have told him it is okay to keep living his life, to move forward. That someday he deserves to love someone and have a family again, Kierra would want that for him. Though I know that isn't what he wants to hear. I know no matter how well meaning people are, I don't want to hear that life goes on, or it will get easier. If it gets easier, will that mean I have accepted her being gone? Or will it mean I am forgetting her? Those may not seem like rational thoughts, but they are what they are.....
Monday, March 20, 2006
In our own beds..
Our first full night with every one back home in their own beds. As hectic as it was with them all wound up and excited this evening, it was still such a comfort to be with the twins & Hunter. All the way home from Terri's they were all jabbering a mile a minute. Hunter was filling me in on climbing the dirt mountain and how cool it is I let him do things there that I don't let him do at home. Then he told me all about tearing down the back porch with Uncle Dwight and what a big boy he was that he got to use a big hammer. In between Hunter's excited tales, I had Tristan & Alexa telling me all about it in their own language!
When we got home it was a mad scramble to see who could draw my attention first and they all climbed up on my lap the second I sat down. The boys settled down to playing soon after that, but Alexa was glued to me the rest of the night. She pitched a fit when I had to go to the store and cried off & on until I got back. They were all exhausted and ready for bed by 8:30.
I am hoping to head there myself soon. I got used to sleeping on that boat, I am hoping some of that stayed with me and I will sleep well tonight too!
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Another Coincidence..
While walking through Nassau yesterday Brian mentioned he wished he's had time for a haircut before we left home. I noticed a walkway that led to some stairs and a small door at the top said BARBERSHOP. We decided to check it out. It was a small old shop, and the barber was quite a character himself. He is 75 years old. He got his Barber's License in Jacksonville, Florida. He talked about fishing on the St. John's river and camping by the St. Mary's river when he was just 16 years old. It was neat to listen to him. Brian got an old fashioned haircut, complete with a straight razor shave! There were a few stray hairs, but it was worth it to have the opportunity to meet Mr. Albert Russell.
A Fantasy Cruise..
I am sitting by a large window, looking down on the ocean as it passes by. Brian & I are on a weekend cruise on the Carnival Fantasy. He is relaxing in the cabin as I check my mail and catch up on blogging. We left Thursday afternoon and get home tomorrow. We sailed to Nassau in the Bahamas. It is the first time we have had time alone since Kierra's death. The kids are withTerri & Dwight. We have no worries about them, other than missing them and wondering if they are behaving.
We have met some nice people, even had breakfast this morning with some people from Plattsburgh, New York! What a small world. They even knew some of the people I knew and we caught up on all the goings on. It was nice to revisit that time in our lives.
We have a good set of people at our dinner table. We weren't sure if we would go to the dining room for dinner, but we have and have enjoyed it. But it has been odd. Everyone shares where they are from and how many children they have, etc. We have shared that, but I stop short of telling anyone about Kierra's death. I don't want to see that look on their face, I don't want to talk about it with strangers. I want to be amoung the anonymous, not the ones who's daughter was killed. Brian & I have thought about her and talked about her alot.
We didn't go on any planned excursions in Nassau. We took a buggy ride and walked around by ourselves. Even did some shopping (of course!). We found the most adorable dress for Alexa at a specialty Linen shop, you will see it in their Easter pictures. It reminded me of a pink one Kierra's Gramma Judy got her when she was little. Alexa's is purple with hand smocking and embroidery on the bodice. We couldn't resist! We got a few souvenirs for family & friends. It was a beautiful day. We even came back and took a nap!
We have a couple pictures we had taken, one at dinner and one portrait. I will e-mail them to everyone when I get them loaded on the PC. Today has been a lazy day. We went to the Disco for a little while last night. I got to dance with the group we have at our dinner table, so that let Brian off the hook!
It has been so good for us to have this time. It is such a relief to have nothing or no one to distract us from each other. No schedules to follow, no need to do anything. To only be with each other and renew that connection.
And now I am actually ready to go home. It is easy to physically get away, but much harder to mentally "get away". I have enjoyed myself, and enjoyed my time with Brian. There are still those moments when Kierra is front & center, for both of us, and we can tell just by looking at each other. We share what we are thinking and just let it be what it is, our grief, reminding us that it has changed us. While we are just anonymous people on this ship, our grief knows us as well as we know each other. And it knows how to get our attention just as easily as the twins & Hunter do when they want to. So even here, we are not alone, although we have been able to set it aside for awhile. And we realize it will always be there, like an extra piece of luggage we carry wherever we go. And that is not as hard to accept as it was a few months ago.
So I will go pack it up along with the rest of our luggage, and tomorrow we will be home..
Too tragic..
This has been a rough week.. Monday the 13th was especially hard. It had been 4 months since Kierra was killed and 2 years since a dear friend was killed in a house fire. Also that day we found out another JSO family had lost their 24 year old daughter to a drunk driver, killing her, on Sunday night. Their family dynamic, years married, so much was similar to us, and unfortunately the loss of a child was another thing in common. There is no preperation for having your child's life torn from you in a sudden, tragic moment like that. Brian & I felt the pain they were going through. Brian took the dad to the airport to pick up family members and I cooked. I knew they would need something besides fried chicken! Brian & I shared some of the past 4 months with them and let them know it is okay to be angry, and not want to hear what some people have to say. They are not horrible people to feel that way, they are people who are going through a horrible thing. I would not wish this on anyone, and Brian & I both wished we could do or say something to help. But nothing helps, especially those first few weeks. Even now for me, there isn't much that comforts me. I do what I have to do to get through the day, each day, one at a time.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Chunky Monkey..
I was walking throught the grocery store.. an ordinary task, on an ordinary day. I passed the ice cream section and noticed Ben & Jerry's on the shelf. I remembered when we lived in upstate New York, and we visited Rutland Vermont just accross Lake Champlain when Kierra was about 6 years old. Brian took her skiing on the kiddie slopes. Brianne was 3, Chad was about a year old, so the younger ones & I went to the Ben & Jerry's factory for a tour & some ice cream. Kierra had a purple snow suit, (of course it was purple!). She felt so grown up getting to go with Daddy all by herself while the babies stayed with me.
At the Air Force base where we lived you could order Ben & Jerry's ice cream when you ordered a pizza to be delivered. That was more important to the kids than the pizza!
So... while standing in the grocery store I had a major panic attack. For the flash of an instant I forgot Kierra's favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry's. It wasn't rational, but I freaked out. I thought .. how could I forget!? How was I going to remember her life enough for her children to know her if I forgot!? What else would slip away from my mind without warning? How would I ever remember all the things that she was, all that she did? I could no more stop that flow of panic than I could stop breathing. I stood there trying to control my emotions. Trying to calm my fears. I just wanted to scream & run. But I didn't, I stood there and made myself focus on Kierra's 6 year old face and it came to me....Kierra's favorite Ben & Jerry's flavor was... Chunky Monkey.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Saturday, March 11, 2006
You are not alone..
I have tried to share what I am thinking, feeling, going through, with all of you who have been reading this. I have tried to be open & honest. I have let you go with me into some pretty emotional areas. But I have never really shared the darkest part of all this. I have been hesitant to go too far. I do not want to add to anyone's pain. I do not want to worry or frighten those who care about me, but can't fully understand what it can be like.
The reason I am saying this now is because I have a younger sister, Cricket, who shared a part of herself on her blog yesterday and it was one of the bravest things I have ever seen. It has been on my mind ever since. I have several people close to me who suffer from depression. Real depression. Not "today sucked and sappy movies make me cry" depressed, but unhinged, darkest depths, fathomless depression. The word suffer doesn't explain what it puts you through. And the ones who say "get over it", or "you just need to snap out of it", or "everyone gets depressed, what's the big deal?"... they have no clue, and blissfully, for them, don't know what it is like.
I know there have been times over the years when I have been seriously depressed. But never to the degree I have been at times since Kierra's death. I am fortunate. That may sound odd, but some of you understand. I have seen a therapist for about 3 years now. It was for an evaluation for some medical documentation I needed a few years ago. I kept going after the evaluation because it was great to have someone to vent to, to say whatever I wanted to say about anyone and everyone without censorship. Little did I know it would save me now. I doubt I could have opened up as easily if I had to see someone who didn't know me or some of the people in my life already. I am fortunate because I do not suffer from clinical, or manic depression. But I have cared for, and personally know, people who do. And to have dealt with it myself the times I have, I can tell you, it is not something we choose. I don't wake up and decide that today I am going to lose control of my emotions. I don't make a concious decision that I am going to fall into such a deep, dark place that I will question taking even one more breath. It doesn't seem worth it to take a shower or comb my hair. The effort to dress, cook, clean, to function at all, seems insurmountable. And that description barely scrapes the surface. Some people find relief in medication. I have never been a pill taker, and have found other ways to bring myself to a manageable level. If not, I would take whatever I needed to in order to care for my family. That is why I continue to see my shrink. It can be hormonal ( no, it isn't always just PMS!), or even a chemical inbalance. There are alot of causes and remedies. Each person needs to do what works for them. The point is..don't suffer alone. Don't discount, or disregard how you feel. And if someone you care about suffers from depression, try to learn about it, try to find what, if anything, they need from you during that time. It may be nothing more than knowing you are trying to understand. It isn't something that can just be turned off, so don't think they have much control over how bad it is, or how long it will last. I haven't shared this to freak anyone out or make you all worry about me. I have shared it because I care about all of you, and I won't let my little sister, or anyone else, think they are alone in this...
I am whipped!
It si 10 pm..just the beginning of my night.. and I am whipped! I didn't get to bed after I blogged during the night last night, until 6 am this morning, and got up at 8 am with the kids. That isn't unusual for me. I am whipped because the kids have worn me out! Greta & I took Cody, Katie, Hunter, Alexa, & Tristan to the zoo today. We went about 11:15ish. We rode the train, walked the zoo, played at the playground, hit McDonald's drive thru, and got home about 3:30. The kids were filthy from the playground, but of course they didn't care. I cleaned them up and stripped them down and let them take naps in their onesies. It was a late nap, so we didn't let them sleep their usual 2 hours. They had dinner, took a long playful bath and were tucked in by 9 pm. Hunter was right behind them. And here I sit, yawning, waiting for Max to wake up for his night feeding so I can go to bed! I have been fighting cold/allergies (?) for a couple days now, so that may be adding to it. But I think the major contribution is that my tired ass is getting old! I used to run rings around my kids and have energy left over..I could use some of it now! I will let you know tomorrow if I get a full night's sleep..
2:45 am..
It is 2:45am.. the house is (our version of) quiet. The sounds of Alexa snoring, ceiling fans turning, and Chad's stereo on low let me know all is well. I did doze on the couch for a while earlier, then awoke from a dream that was too real to let me sleep through it. Some times I can remember my dreams, and some times when I can't, I can guess form the way I feel when I wake up that it was about Kie. I will myself to remember, to grab on to any moments spent with her, even in sleep. But tonight my mind won't give it back to me.
I find myself talking to her alot. Not just quietly, inside my own head. But when I am alone, in the car, in my room at night, or doing something that I think she would have enjoyed. Or when the kids have driven me to the edge of my patience, and I am grasping for sanity. I find myself saying "okay miss thang.. what would you do??" Usually it involves letting them reek havoc and just not giving a damn until we all get it out of our systems. There is nothing that can't be cleaned up later.. or replaced! It is amazing what can be gained from a big bowl of popcorn or Cheetohs. The hell with the carpet or what Cheetoh dust does to clothes, (and furniture!)
When the weather allows I pull out the triplet stroller and load everyone up and we take a walk. I had forgotten there is a pond to the back of our subdivision. Tonight it was full of ducks.. Tristan quacked all the way around it. It was too cute.
Speaking of cute.. I wish I had my camera or even my camera phone earlier tonight when Brian was leaving for work..He & I were talking as he was pulling away to go to work. We had been working on the playground and we were debating on a new playhouse and which type of fencing to use. Then here comes Tristan down the driveway in just his diaper.. a droopy diaper at that. I started to go after him when I was distracted by Alexa walking down the other side of the driveway.. wearing one of Tristan's cowboy boots... and nothing else! Thank goodness it was warm out! Brian was shocked and in a panic.. So I scooped her up and headed back to the front door.. meanwhile Brian had to get out of his car and herd Tristan back toward the house, while Hunter tried to help him. I couldn't stop laughing.. Brian was shocked and called me later to see how they were and asked me why she keeps doing that, (undressing herself and taking off her diaper). I told him all the kids have done that and it is a sign to start potty training her because the few times she has done it usually she had a wet diaper. He can't remember the older kids doing it, but he wasn't always around when they did. Tristan has just started taking his clothes off, but leaves the diaper on, for now! Alexa has always tended to be a few steps ahead of him.
So my mental to do list now has potty training added to it.. I had been thinking about it, but wasn't sure they were ready. I think Alexa will be easier to train than Tristan. Just another challenge!
Monday, March 06, 2006
Swimming with the Manatees..
Yesterday was a perfect day..swimming with the manatees was so ..hmmmm...there isn't a word for how beautiful and awesome it was. There were several in the springs where we went. They were friendly and playful, even a little frisky when we were getting ready to leave. (They mate all year long.) I even squeezed myself into a wetsuit so I wouldn't freeze in the water! No, there aren't any pictures! Although there is a DVD with some video and still shots of the manatees, and one or 2 shots of my face.. no body shots. I would have worn anything to be able to swim with them and scratch their bellies. It was just too cool. I want to go back and take Hunter. I think he would love it. He was a little worried about me going off with Greg & Lisa. He wanted to know if everything would be okay this time. I told him I could not promise, but I was as sure as I could be that we would all be okay.
Then Greg had a dive at another spring that is in a state park, so Lisa and I decided to just lay in the sun while we waited for him. It was great! It took me a while to really relax, I felt like I should be doing something.The only other time I can remember I took a nap during the day was when the girls took me to Savannah. I didn't really sleep solid, dozed off & on, listened to the kids, animals, & nature noises. We had to move our towels back into the sunshine once because the sun moved and the shade was chilly! Then it got a little cooler so we went to wait in the car. We listened to Ron White, one of the Jeff Foxworthy comedians. He is a bit raw, but soooo funny! There was a bit about bachelorette parties that made it sound like he was at Brianne's! Then we went back to the dive, then back to Lisa & Greg's. Greg went out on a night dive so Lisa fixed some pasta (and awesome sauce!) Then I headed home. It was the most relaxing day. I felt a little guilty, but don't worry, it didn't last long!
There was a moment in the water, the sun was shining, it was late morning, and I thought of Hunter's worry.. oh no, this is such a beautiful day, it is Sunday again....what if something happens and I am here...then 2 manatees came on either side of me and I could only think of them..it took me out of that moment and into a more beautiful one, Thanks Kieker...
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Wide Awake..
Here I sit at 2:45 am..I am at Greg & Lisa's..yet I keep thinking I need to check the kids and make sure they are all covered up and in their beds. They all take turns ending up on the floor with their pillow and blanket sometimes. It is such a sub-conscious thought and I find it strange that my mind can't grasp that I am not at home and don't have to do that tonight. I feel like I should be doing something, well I am doing something, but I mean something like cleaning the kitchen, or catching up on laundry. I can pretty much do anything I want, and I don't know what to do! I did take a long, hot shower and even shaved my legs. That was a splurge for me! The idea that I should get some sleep is a foreign thought to me. I am wide awake. I did throw a book in my bag, so maybe I will try to read. But I know I may start the book, but then it will sit untouched until I give it away. I have discovered a game I actually like..I am not a computer game type person, but I do like Sudoku.. it is a number puzzle game. It makes my mind work in a way other than related to kids! And I do the more difficult ones so I have to focus my mind on the game, nothing else. I don't get to play often, but enjoy it when I do. I brought Max with me, so my need to nurture has been met.. but now he is all fed and is sound asleep in his bed. I guess I will go check his covers and try to get settled for the night..
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Not Done Yet!
Okay, I worked on the playset by myself yesterday & today. I forced Chad to hold the roof pieces while I bolted them down, but put it all together by myself.... I spent 4 hours on it yesterday and a total of 4 1/2 hours today... and I am still not done! I think I only have the slide to put together and attach, and put the swings on it. My hands, arms and back are soooo sore.
But I do have to say it is pretty cool! It got dark before I finished tonight, so I will wait and get a picture when it is all done. It will get finished on Monday, I am taking tomorrow off!
Tomorrow I am going to go snorkeling with the manatees. I am so excited and ready for a break. Brianne usually takes the kids for the day on Sunday. She didn't take them last week, so I have been really looking forward to this. I haven't been able to spend much time with Lisa ( & Greg!) so that makes the day an added bonus. So I am off to pack and head over there tonight, my wonderful husband is coming home from work early so I don't have to get up at the butt crack of dawn to go in the morning. He's a keeper!
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Nuts & Bolts..
I can't blame anyone but myself.. it was my idea..just know I will never do this again! This adventure playset has more parts than anything I have ever put together before. And I have put together alot! Although I did save some time by sorting out the hundreds of nuts & bolts and sorting the lumber and other parts, it still took about 5-6 hours to only get it 1/3 of the way done. It will be awesome, I will take a picture and post it when it is finished. Our good friend, Rick Price, went with me to pick it all up yesterday and he spent his afternoon helping me put it together today. What a great guy! I don't know if I will get it done tomorrow, but I will do what I can. There wasn't much prefabricated, so lots of parts & pieces. We'll see how many are left over when I am done!
In Control..?
The mind will never be fully understood, it is too unpredictable. I spent most of the afternoon & evening sorting out parts for the new deluxe playset we are putting up for the kids. It is one of those big wooden ones with a "treehouse", rock wall, and spiral slide. We figured for the price to keep replacing cheap metal ones over the next 10-12 years it was worth it to invest in a better one for all the kids to use here at home. Anywho, I was reading over the instructions and the thought popped into my head.. Kierra would have had a hell of a time reading this! She had dyslexia and it would have been tooo much for her to get through. She was infamous for skimming over directions and guessing at how to do or make something. Brianne or I would read her text books to her in high school to help her study or do her homework because the reading would overwhelm her and she wouldn't retain what she had struggled so hard to read.
Later I went inside to get a cold drink and glanced over the pictures on the fridge. There are several of the twins, the other kids, and friends. I thought, Kierra was still alive when all these were taken..I have looked at them dozens of times since her death, but can't recall thinking that.
Hours later I am here on the computer in Hunter's room. It used to be the guest room, before that it was Brianne's room, before that Kierra & the twin's room, and originally it was Brianne's room with butterflies. I just repainted it a sage green back in September/October. It was supposed to be victorian, we adapted it to hot wheels for Hunter. Before the green it was a pale yellow, with pixie stars and pixie dust in Purple, Blue, and teal. For Brianne it went perfect with Tinkerbell ( which she still loves at 21 years of age!). Kierra & I added the Pixie stars & dust to go with her fairies and to add some color to the room when she was pregnant. I was sitting here and wished for a moment that I hadn't painted over "her" room.
It doesn't always happen like this or this often. It seems the past week my mind brings her forward more. She is always there, but not so much front & center. I guess I try to subdue my thoughts of her so I don't get upset too much in front of the kids, or other people. It isn't even a conscious effort, it is just how I survive. And although I know I can talk to any of my family & friends about her, who am I really going to call at 2:30 am? It isn't so much needing to talk, as much as letting it come and complete itself, without my controlled editing. (and you guys all thought I just tried to control everyone else's lives didn't you?!) No, I am not immune to my own need to control things. And trust me, I am not as good at controlling things as I thought!
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