My hamster wheel is on autopilot. I just keep running and running and don't care where I go. I am busy with Shelia's wedding, which I love doing! I am busy with JACKPOTT and multiple projects through them. And as always I am busy with the kids and the house. I think I am trying to convince myself that if I stay super busy the next week will be easier.. don't I know better yet?! Be forewarned the blog for the next week or so may be pretty depressing.
I keep dreaming that I am pregnant with Kierra. I feel the first flutters of movement, and then the rolling and kicking she did the last few months before she was born. In my dream I rest my hands on my stomach full of life.. then in a flash it's gone, she is gone and I am laying there all alone. I know it is because her birthday is Friday. Yet knowing why doesn't lessen the unimaginable grief I feel as fresh and new as the day she was taken from us. So no matter how busy I make my waking hours, my mind does as it wishes with me in my sleep. As much as I focus on the good and the happy, how much I try to remember her laugh and her smile.. in my slumber I can not hold back the pain or the tears, nor can I stop the flood of emotion my dreams create. So I sleep as little as possible and when I am awakened by the pain of my grief, I don't allow myself to go back to sleep, to go back to that dark world where I am all alone and no one can help me, where no one can stop the dreams or the pain. Yes, I am tired, some days exhausted, but I can handle tired, I can handle exhausted.. I can't always handle the pain..
1 comment:
Though there is no answers, nor pain killers to dull the ache. That age old thing keeps haunting; time. I wish with all my heart you did not have to share this darkness of sorrow, but we're here with all of our love. Nancy
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