In Control..?

The mind will never be fully understood, it is too unpredictable. I spent most of the afternoon & evening sorting out parts for the new deluxe playset we are putting up for the kids. It is one of those big wooden ones with a "treehouse", rock wall, and spiral slide. We figured for the price to keep replacing cheap metal ones over the next 10-12 years it was worth it to invest in a better one for all the kids to use here at home. Anywho, I was reading over the instructions and the thought popped into my head.. Kierra would have had a hell of a time reading this! She had dyslexia and it would have been tooo much for her to get through. She was infamous for skimming over directions and guessing at how to do or make something. Brianne or I would read her text books to her in high school to help her study or do her homework because the reading would overwhelm her and she wouldn't retain what she had struggled so hard to read.

Later I went inside to get a cold drink and glanced over the pictures on the fridge. There are several of the twins, the other kids, and friends. I thought, Kierra was still alive when all these were taken..I have looked at them dozens of times since her death, but can't recall thinking that.

Hours later I am here on the computer in Hunter's room. It used to be the guest room, before that it was Brianne's room, before that Kierra & the twin's room, and originally it was Brianne's room with butterflies. I just repainted it a sage green back in September/October. It was supposed to be victorian, we adapted it to hot wheels for Hunter. Before the green it was a pale yellow, with pixie stars and pixie dust in Purple, Blue, and teal. For Brianne it went perfect with Tinkerbell ( which she still loves at 21 years of age!). Kierra & I added the Pixie stars & dust to go with her fairies and to add some color to the room when she was pregnant. I was sitting here and wished for a moment that I hadn't painted over "her" room.

It doesn't always happen like this or this often. It seems the past week my mind brings her forward more. She is always there, but not so much front & center. I guess I try to subdue my thoughts of her so I don't get upset too much in front of the kids, or other people. It isn't even a conscious effort, it is just how I survive. And although I know I can talk to any of my family & friends about her, who am I really going to call at 2:30 am? It isn't so much needing to talk, as much as letting it come and complete itself, without my controlled editing. (and you guys all thought I just tried to control everyone else's lives didn't you?!) No, I am not immune to my own need to control things. And trust me, I am not as good at controlling things as I thought!