Whispers

Whispers
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is for my hubby.. who works harder and longer than he should. After one of his long days he took over with the kids, let me hide in our room to watch a food network show I wanted to see, AND put them to bed while I took a long bubble bath. That is better than a dozen roses!!

Okay Mada.. hmmm, hi there, I got it!

Yesterday was the "anniversary" of Mada's passing. Strange how I hesitate to call it Mada's death. Yet with Kierra it is a death, a killing, so to say she "passed" seems trivial to me. But Mada did not "die" in the real sense of that word. At least she didn't think of it that way. She had more faith than the holiest of preachers. She did not fear dying. She looked forward to heaven. She would have made one hell of a Televangelist!
I digress.. what I meant to talk about was when I spoke to Nancy yesterday morning we talked about the "messages" we get from our girls. I had left Nancy a voice mail the night before because a commercial came on TV. It not only played the song "I Can Only Imagine", (which is one of the songs Mada chose for her own funeral) but the CD they were selling was titled that as well. The CD was full of songs of faith. Mada's message to me was two-fold.. Hey MJ.. call my Mom.. and by the way.. here's your sign! Similar to when she met Cher in person. Mada gave her a bible. Cher thanked her and admitted she didn't have one of those. Mada's mission wasn't just to meet her favorite singer, it was to give her a taste of faith.
That commercial was Mada's version of giving me a bible. No I did not order the CD.. Keep working at it Mada.. maybe someday. That song came to me several times the morning Kierra was killed. No matter what station we turned it to, that song came on. Lisa & I commented on Mada saying hello because we were camping without her. Now I know it was Mada reminding me she was there, maybe to let me know she was there when Kie got there.. if indeed there is a Heaven.
Wow, I digress again.. not everyone believes in those kinds of messages, or any messages from the ones we have loved and lost. Whatever works for you. I have experienced it even before we lost Kierra, so I have my own opinions and beliefs. I told Nancy that I am sometimes a bit resentful of how strong & clear Kierra's messages can be to others. I get them , but not as much as I would like sometimes. I see solitary dragonflies often, at the strangest of places. One flew in to the office where Alexa has speech therapy when we walked in the other day. It was huge, and would not leave no matter how hard we all tried to coax it back out the door. Anyway.. those are the coincidences that soothe me. That no matter how chaotic I am feeling.. that will bring me a moment of "hmm.. hi there.. got it."
So take a moment now & then to notice those moments. You never know who is trying to say hello!

Randy is one step closer to home.. literally!

Randy has been transferred to a facility in Jacksonville! He moved yesterday. I don't have all the info yet, but will email it out when I get it. It will take a few days for him to adjust, but I know any visitors will be welcomed and are much needed to get him back on track. Change is hard and his road to recovery is still a long one. Everyone's prayers and support have been a big help and are still needed. Greta can only do so much. There isn't AMS staff in Jacksonville and Randy definitely does better when he is not alone. So if you have any time to give, let us know.

Cop For A Day

Brian sent me this and it really says alot. Check it out.. Cop For a Day - Baltimore Police Department Official Web Site - City of Baltimore, Maryland I don't want them to quit either!

Rain, Rain Go Away!

We are in day 3-4 of Tropical Storm Faye. The winds have been off & on, but the rains are pretty constant. We have been fortunate that our powerlines are underground, so trees and winds can't knock them down. Over 70,000 people are without power. We lost ours for about an hour in the middle of the night Wed. night/Thurs. morning, but have had no problems since then. When we moved in we had the whole house put on a surge protector provided by the electric company. It costs a few extra dollars each month but is more than worth it. Greta was without power from 11pm last night til about 6 am this morning. When the power came back it surged through the house and burnt out all her electronics, tvs, computer, etc. She is having issues with the back end of her house still without electric, probably something to do with the breakers/fuses. I am too far south to do her any good until the weather clears. One of her trees came down accross the neighbors screen porch and some branches have come down on her roof, but so far there doesn't seem to be any roof damage that she can see.
Our trees are young and small, so that isn't an issue for us either. We are starting to see some standing water in our side yard, the rain doesn't stop long enough for it to drain. The kids play house blew accross the yard early this morning but didn't damage anything. So for us the hardest part is being cooped up inside for 3 days! They expect rain throughout the weekend, but hopefully the winds will die down sometime later today. Now we are having tornado and flash flood warnings. Our street seems to be draining well, but I am not going anywhere!
Brian is essential personal so he worked from 6 am until 8:30 pm yesterday and was back at work at 5 am this morning. He won't know when he will get to come home until they clear them to leave. There are alot of flooded areas and wires down. I can't believe people are going out in this stuff. We are staying put. I figured I would update everyone in case we do lose power again. Hope you are all staying safe & dry.

Happy Birthday Chad!

stay puft (Chad's Childhood Toy)
Originally uploaded by mommanana

And this 7 inch marshmallow man started the whole nostalgic toy hunt that got us fru-fru too! This was one of Chad's toys when he was little. It is from the first Ghostbuster movie. Brianne found this and a t-shirt for his birthday. She got him the shirt and I got him the Stay Puft guy. He thinks he still has his original in a box somewhere. We got it because Chad was a very chubby baby and he had so many wrinkles he walked like him too! Now he is a very tall, very skinny bean pole! Who'd of thought?

fru-fru (Kierra's Childhood Toy)

fru-fru (Kierra's Childhood Toy)
Originally uploaded by mommanana

I thought I was so ahead of the game when I found this toy on Ebay. It was listed as a "Popple" which was one of Brianne's childhood toys. It didn't look like the other popples listed, but it looked familiar to me. When it came in I showed Brian and he reminded me that this was Fru-Fru.. one of Kierra's childhood toys. Alexa saw it and that was that, it is now her childhood toy! And yes, she calls it Fru-Fru.

I wonder sometimes how I can forget things like that. I worry how I will remember all the things in her life. It isn't such a big thing really, but it is something I didn't realize I had forgotten. So I worry what else is lost in my scattered mind...

Chad, Me, Bri, & Justin 8.17.08

Chad, Me, Bri, & Justin 8.17.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Here is a group pic from our weekend. There are a couple pics from the log ride you'll get a chuckle out of, so click on this pic and go to the photo gallery and check them out!

Sheikra 8.17.08 Busch Gardens

Sheikra 8.17.08 Busch Gardens
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This in no way shows how truly huge this ride is. That little car full of people at the top?.. is hanging suspended there before it plunged down that almost straight drop. It was awesome!
I took Chad, & Bri (& Justin) to Busch Gradens this past weekend as a birthday gift for them both. We rode this 3 times.. the 3rd time we were in the front row! We had a lot of fun. It was good to spend time with my older children, I don't get to do that often enough. Brianne is 24 now and Chad will be 22 on Thursday. They grow too fast.. I won't say they "grow up" since they acted like little kids most of the time! It was a blast.

Idol Audition Registration 8.11.08

Idol Auditions 8.11.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Every year I commit to do whatever the "Birthday Boy/Girl" want sto do for their birthday. This year Brianne asked if she could get 2 days. We were up and in line about 5 am on Monday for the registration process for Americvan Idol. Then on Wednesday the 13th (Bri's birthday) we were up an inline early again for the actual auditions. She didn't really expect to be chosen, but really wanted to be able to know she tried instead of always wondering "what if?" It was on her birthday, which was actually her day off as well, so no loss, just a fun time and a chance to make new friends. They said they liked her energy and she had a good voice, just not what they were looking for this season. They did alot of taping for the Jacksonville part of the show, so who knows, we may still end up on TV! I am very proud of her for trying out. I am very proud of her for that and so much more! We love you Boog!

Hunter & Pop-Pop 8.10.08

Hunter & Pop-Pop 8.10.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Hunter & I went to Gainesville so he could visit his Pop-pop. It is hard for children to understand when someone is sick and they can't see them for such a long time. Hunter was glad to see him and now knows he is okay and getting better.

Randy Update from Greta 8.14.08

I just talked to Randy's private duty nurse and he said that Randy had a great day. He did another cap trial on his trach tube today and lasted over 4 hours. This is helping progress to removing the trach totally. Hopefully by next week as well as he is doing. He also walked 22 feet today with his walker. This is his second time walking this week. He is really moving by leaps and bounds. I am very proud of him. He can be Onery at times but i can't imagine being in his shoes. I am going back up for the weekend on saturday am thru monday am.Randy also did another swallow study and they changed his diet again.We are working on getting him placed in a rehab here in jacksonville next week. they project it will take another 2 -4 weeks of therapy and then he can come home. i can't wait!!!!! A special thanks to my sister Robyn for flying in from Nashville to help me with Randy and to Terri Cole for placing the private duty CNAs in his room 24 hours a day. Without all those things in place I do not believe Randy would have progressed as much as he has done. THANKYOU

A quick trip

Brian & I went to Niceville (west of Tallahassee) to attend his brother Alan's Air Force retirement ceremony. It was a quick visit, but we enjoyed seeing them and being able to be part of it. Alan incorporated some really personal touches that made his ceremony unique and showed what a considerate, loving person he is. He presented special coins to his wife & children and thanked them. He thanked and acknowledged his brothers, Dad, Uncle and Grandmother for inspiring him too. It was very cool. I posted a photo in the gallery, so go check it out. (click on the kids pic below this post and it will take you there.)
Brian & I enjoyed the time together. It is a shame life and schedules keep us from seeing the people we care about more often. So is you can't hug those you love today, give them a call and let them know you are thinking of them!

3 Peas in a Pod!

3 Peas in a Pod!
Originally uploaded by mommanana

An Update from Greta today..

"I just spoke to Randy's personal sitter and she told me that the feeding tube was gone and Randy ate his first meal in 7 weeks. He had Cream of Wheat, Scrambled eggs and juice!!!!!!!!! Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love progress. He is still on the vent but doing well with his time trials. I will call her later today after the other therapists have come in and get another update. A very dear friend who owns a medical staffing agency has placed someone to be with Randy for both shifts on the days i can't cover him. This just started last night. This way he does not have to be restrained and he can get the help he needs right away for his personal needs. The catheter has been removed but he still needs help with the toilet issues. I can call Randy's room at any time and get an update and i can also have the phone put to his ear and he can hear my voice. As soon as he can talk i will send out the phone number so you can all talk to him personally. That won't happen until they downsize the tube in his throat. I will be with him tomorrow from 7 am to 7 pm and will get to meet the therapists myself. Keep the prayers going. I actually slept last night since he had the sitter in his room. i only called her three times. hahaha. I went to bed at 10:30 and got up with the alarm @ 6 am."

P.S. They did downsize the tube in Randy's trach today and he ate a real lunch too! Talking is still hard but these are major milestones for him.. and for Greta too! Thanks to everyone for their continued support!

It's Brianne's fault!

It really is! It started with finding a nostalgiac gift for Chad's upcoming birthday. Then I decided to look for size 4 slim jeans for Tristan And I did find, bid on, and win 4 pairs for him at really reasonable prices! One of them ended in a last minute bidding war, and I was determined to win! Now I didn't bid the moon.. it ended at $5.50. But the idea that I may lose to a sneaky last second bidder drove me nuts. I must admit I was a tad bit competitive!
I had not been on Ebay in over a year. I hadn't even updated our address. Now there are several items I am "watching". One or two of them I plan on being that sneaky last second bidder that jumps in and gets the prize.. it's all Brianne's fault.. it really is!

The news for now & How was your day?

I thought Friday was just a bad day for me. It seemed everything I tried to get done turned into a mess. Several things that were supposed to come through didn't and it seemed it was just a funky day. I have spoken with several people who also had a rough day on Friday. Maybe the moons were crossing Jupiter or something! How was your day?

Other news and updates;

Alexa is having new tubes put in her ears on Aug. 27th. She is still having a hearing issue in her right ear and her left ear keeps building pressure and shows signs of fluid again. It will be an outpatient procedure so she will come home the same day. Last time it only took a couple hours for us to be back home. I will let you all know how it goes and how she is doing.

Tristan has another recheck for his ears tomorrow. He has passed all his hearing tests with flying colors and seems to be doing well. I will let you know if they find anything else tomorrow.

Hunter has had some side effects to his ADHD meds he was on for the past year. They have changed his meds and he should level out and be back to himself in the next couple weeks. They aren't sure why he had issues after taking it so long, but his new meds have much fewer side effects to worry about, so far so good.

Chad is working delivering pizzas for a place that used to be open near the old house. They had a fire and decided to reopen north of where we live now. Brian & Chad know the owner. That worked out well!

The horses are doing good. I got to ride Tortuga last week. We started seperating her and Reese so they have calmed down a bit and are easier to work with. Barney & Lenny aren't so keen on having to share me, but they will all adjust. I just need a few more hours to my days, that's all!

Randy is breathing more on his own which will help alot toward his recovery. Some days are better than others, but he is more alert and becoming more active. Greta is running herself ragged, but it is a priority for her to be with him as much as she can. Our sister, Robyn, is coming out for the weekend to help so I hope she is able to get a break. I can only help in spurts and it doesn't give her much relief. Terri & I are working on a way to give her more peace of mind and more help, so we'll see how it goes. Keep the prayers and support coming for them, the road to recovery is still a long one!

Hunter is excited for school to start. We are still working toward the twins starting preschool at his school. Just waiting for the school board to do their evaluation. Seems to be a hurry up and wait thing with them.

That's the news for now. I am sure there will be more tomorrow, there always is!

How do I??

It is quite odd sometimes to have a thought and then happen upon something that is about that very same thing. I have had a very hectic day. Several things have gone awry and I was feeling stressed and frustrated. It was storming and the kids were wide open. I could feel my blood pressure rise, (which has been a health issue for me). I tried to decompress and thought "How do I change this about myself? How do I change my stress level and how I deal with it? How do I change such a big part of myself? How do I change my life?!
I was changing the channel on the TV to find something for everyone to watch and caught the beginning of Oprah. I think it was a repeat. She had Maria Shriver on. She has a book out called Just Who Will You Be? It is about her realizing at 51 years of age that she had been what everyone else expected her to be and had no idea who or what she wanted from herself. She lived a busy, hectic life and wanted to be "gentler" with herself and everyone else. She was always rushing around stressed out and chaotic. She was being supermom and superwife and the good daughter. But she had no idea how to be Maria. She was amazed at that age to have no idea what she wanted to be when she grew up. She was very down to earth and mirrored alot of things I have been thinking today. I will have to read her book!

Decorating 8.1.08

Decorating 8.1.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is something I put together to finsih off some empty spaces that bugged me. I put one between my bedroom and the sliding doors, this one near the boy's hallway, and one in the front entryway. This one is a bit smaller than the other two so I only used one cattail, the other have 2.. I know that will bug me, so yes, I will be getting another one to make them all even!

Finishing Touches

I have been trying to finish up little projects around the house. These are wall quotes that I found and really liked. The top one is on the wall in our kitchen dining area. It has been up for a while. The lower one I just put up in our front dining room over the window. They really finish off the rooms. Someday I'll be done!

Yum-A-Setta Recipe

Another blast from the past. I promised Nancy this recipe a while ago and just came accross the recipe box it was in. My notes say the recipe is from Edna Miller from Mount Hope, Ohio. It is an Amish recipe with a couple shortcuts..enjoy!

Ingredients:
2 lbs ground beef
1/4 cup chopped onion
1 can tomato soup
1 can cream of chicken soup
16 oz. pkg of wide egg noodles
8 oz. of shredded cheese (your preference)
2 tblsp. brown sugar
salt & pepper to taste

Brown the ground beef with salt, pepper, brown sugar, & onion. Add UNDILUTED tomato soup to meat mixture. Set aside. Cook egg noodles per package directions, drain well. Add UNDILUTED cream of chicken soup to noodles.
In a casserole dish, layer meat mixture, then 1/2 the cheese , then noodle mixture. Top with remaining cheese. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes.

Lunch with Rick 7.30.08

Lunch with Rick 7.30.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

What goofballs! This was the best photo out of three I took when we had lunch with Rick yesterday. We all had a great time. Thank You Rick!

A little house holds big memories..

I was driving home from my horse lesson on Saturday and happened to notice a few houses along the drive. Nothing big or fancy. In fact, they were rather small and a bit shabby. I wondered what the people who lived there were like. What kind of life they had.
When Brian & I were first married I found a little house on the outskirts of town. It was a small, shabby house. I didn't just see a run down, neglected, empty house. I saw a house that could be a home. A house we could fix up and care for. I found out who owned the house and set about convincing them to rent it to us.
That was our first "house". Since leaving my parent's home I had lived in trailers and apartments. When Brian & I first married we shared a basement apartment with his friend, Tim. That little house was a big deal to me.
It took alot of work, and alot of love, to fix up that little house, but it was some of the happiest times for Brian, Kierra, & I. Brianne was conceived the first week we lived there (after months of trying). It held good times and great memories for us. I think back to those times and can't help but smile and laugh over some of the adventures and mishaps we experienced way back then.
We took the small backyard full of overgrown, dead tomato plants and made it a green, grassy space for Kierra to play in. We repaired and painted room by room. We changed out light fixtures and faucets one by one. We made it ours. It had huge lilac bushes on either side of the front door. You could open the windows when they were in bloom and the scent would fill the house. I still love the smell of fresh lilacs.
I sometimes wish for the simplicity of our lives back then. That house wasn't much bigger than an efficiency apartment. But it was enough for us. We lived paycheck to paycheck on meager military pay. But it was enough for us. We have lived in many places since then. Yet none of the houses we have lived in ever felt as much like home to me as that little house in Cheyenne, Wyoming. I don't have dreams about going back to New Mexico, or New York. I sometimes dream about our house in Swaffham, England, but I dream most often of Wyoming.
It seems nothing is simple anymore. I find myself snowballed by so many things to do and not enough time to do them. My "to do" list is never ending. So it is not so farfetched that when I see a shabby, simple little house, I daydream about a little house in Wyoming that stands there still. I daydream about a life that was simple, and safe, and held so much promise for us and the family we had started. I daydream about lilacs and green grass, about sun and snow. And for those few moments my heart smiles and my life is simple again.

Still learning!

Terri went out of town for the weekend and couldn't use her riding lesson for this week so she gave it to me. I took the lesson yesterday and am still feeling it today! I tend to sit more English when I ride and that seems to give me too much movement when my horse decides to run amok. So I took a lesson on how to "hold my seat". The posture is completely different and boy does my butt and lower back hurt today! The instructor said it hurt because I was still holding my posture, not relaxing, so I will have to work on that. It was a very informative lesson, Thanks Terri! You never know so much that you can't learn more!

Randy has moved to Gainesville

Randy has been transferred to a specialty hospital in Gainesville. (email me privately if you would like the address) I spent yesterday with him then grabbed a quick dinner with Greta when she got there. She is staying the weekends and then one night midweek. He was more awake and responsive when I got there than he has been in weeks. He stayed awake for a couple hours, then slept for 5. They are setting up his therapy schedule and seem to be on track to get him weened of the vent and on his way to recovery. It has been a long road and it is far from over. I think he is in the best possible place to get the job done. He had a tracheotomy done before he left the hospital and can't talk so it is harder for him to communicate. They are working to get him breathing on his own again and get that removed, but right now it is keeping him going. He is frustrated and ready to go home, so some days he fights more than he helps himself. I can't say I blame him. Keep them in your thoughts & prayers.

Catch me when you can

I have watched a series for a while now called "Army Wives" on the Lifetime Network. This season has hit close to home. One of the main characters lost her daughter in an explosion. It has been pretty realistic so far. The other night it dealt with going back to where her daughter was killed. She had helped a grieving father who lost his son in Iraq. The man said he wished he could go to the spot where his son was killed because that was the last place his son, Roger, was Roger.

She had been dealing with going back to where her daughter was killed and in the end of the episode she and her other daughter went there. It was very emotional. For me too! I can't help but think of where the last place "Kierra was Kierra". But I so much prefer to remember the last time I saw her, or any of the thousands of memories I carry with me of her. The show is almost too realistic. Not over dramatized or too trite. They have portayed grief from several perspectives and relationships. It is almost as good as therapy!

If you have not experienced such a close loss it can be hard to understand how I can still be so affected after almost 3 years. Why I am not "over it", or able to "move on". I will never be over it, and I think I have moved on, moved forward. I have had no choice. Life hasn't given me the luxury of being able to wallow, or dwell on it to the point of just staying in bed with the covers pulled over my head.

I am not as social as I was before, but I think it is more due to the responsibility of 2 more children than it is that I am emotionally unavailable. Of course my perception is from the inside looking out, not how others see me. If you invite me to do something I will try to make it happen. That is the best I can do, but I can usually work it out. When I am able to do something I try to call and see who can join me. But often I am too busy with too many things to think much about being sociable. So if you want to get together, give me a call. I don't bite (not lately), and I don't have any contagious diseases at the moment. It's just a matter of "catching me when you can!"

I ain't no Rachel Ray!

I have been trying to fix fresh and healthy meals all this week. Last night I tried one of Rachel Ray's 30 minute meals from one of her cook books that I have. If I don't count the extra 30 minutes from the power going out when I was just starting dinner, then it really did only take about 30 minutes. I fixed Pasta Carbonara, her healthier version, which was good, but Brian missed the creamy richness of the old fashioned version.
I did realize however that there is a primary difference between Rachel & I.. she does not have 3 small children, an older child, a husband, and dogs all around her while she is trying to cook! I felt like I had run a marathon once I was done. She also had reccomended Broccolini, a cross between kale & broccoli. She said it is so great because the stalks are tender and you can eat the whole thing, whereas most people only eat the florets on regular broccoli. We were excited to try it.. until I found out it is almost 5 times more expensive than broccoli! A bought a large head of broccoli for $2.50. The same amount of broccolini would have been $12.00. Not cost effective for our large family.
A bonus this week: I discovered Ziploc Zip-n-steam bags. You can steam almost anything in them. You just put your food and seasoning in the bag then pop it in the microwave. We have been using them for fresh veggies. Even the kids have eaten them up. There is no added water, just the moisture from the veggies. The flavor is fantastic!

Before & After his Summer Buzz Cut!

Sleeping Giants.. except Hunter!

Sleeping Giants.. except Hunter!
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Boy this seems to happen alot! I leave the room for a few minutes and when I come back they are all asleep! Except Hunter, who wanted to finish watching the Fantastic 4. It was almost 11pm at this point, the movie was almost over. Of course, it didn't make any change to how early they got up this morning!

Alexa with Gidget 7.20.08

Alexa with Gidget 7.20.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

We had a cookout at the stable Sunday afternoon and Alexa got to ride one of the boarder's ponies, Gidget. Hunter had misbehaved and Tristan didn't want to ride, so Alexa was in her glory. She did not want to leave! I had to remind her several times that she could NOT have the pony!

Midnight Movies..

I live between two worlds.(in more ways than one!) The world with Brianne & Chad, and the world with Hunter, Tristan & Alexa. I get to do things with the little ones often, but I have to squeeze in time for the older ones where I can. That is why I went to the midnight "premiere" showing of the new Batman movie with Chad, Brianne, and Justin last night. It was okay. Entertaining, but not something that wowed me or knocked my socks off. It actually held more to the actual comic book storyline than the other movies have. Anywho, that adventure put me crawling into bed at 3:22 am this morning. The kids got me up at just before 6 am! I may be able to juggle alot of things, but trying to give everyone quality time with me is not one of them! It seems the sides are always uneven. All I can do is what I can when I can. Midnight movies with 6 am wake up calls will not be top of my list!

Pirates 7.17.08

Pirates 7.17.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is what you do on a rainy day.. you play pirates! I had run out of things to do and so they decided to dress up. Usually we have a pirate, a princess, and a car mechanic all running around at the same time. Or batman, the thing, and a glittery witch. Or Prince Phillip, Buzz Lightyear, and Jasmine. I think this is one of the few times they all agreed at the same time! It won't last long, so I grabbed some pix while I could! There are a few more in the gallery, so click on this one to get there and have a sunny day!

Happy Birthday Cricket!!

Cricket & Kie April 1982
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Another moment worth remembering and a great way to end the day on a happier note! This pic was at the airport when Kierra was 10 months old. We had just arrived in Florida from Indiana to start our lives anew. Cricket had come with Greta to pick us up. And you know what? Cricket still looks the same!!! That was 26 years ago.
Today is Cricket's birthday. At least for another couple hours! Hope you had a great day li'l sis!

My Father, Stanley & Kie Nov 1985

My Father, Stanley & Kie Nov 1985
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This man was my father. I didn't really know him until I was an adult. He died of a fatal heart attack ten years ago today. I have some pictures of him with me as a baby, which oddly enough I could not find today. I have no memory of when those pictures were taken. But this picture holds a precious memory for me. That must be why this is the picture I did find.
We were moving to an Air Force Base in upstate New York. We stopped in Massachusetts to visit on our way up. We were able to make several visits during the years we lived there.
As you can see, Kie picked the biggest pillow. She could barely pick it up, it was almost as big as she was! No matter how many times she fell over, she went back for more! She laughed so hard she could hardly catch her breath. Most of the time she knocked herself off balance before he had a chance to. But she had to have that huge pillow, the biggest one.
I envied them their ability to joke and play. To be so open with each other. I am glad they had that. I did not have that with him. I had too much baggage from my childhood. Too many opinions from everyone else of who he was and what he was like. I wasn't given the chance to know him when I was young. So much wasted time. Too many wasted years.
The man I knew was not who I was led to believe he was. The man I knew was not the man I feared when I was young. I wish I had known him better and longer. I wish I had taken the chance and had just one pillow fight with him..

The ties that bind us..

I have been noticing and thinking alot about "bonds". It started with my 2 fillies I just moved down from Georgia. They were at the same barn for a month before I moved them, but were not worked together or stalled together. Since the move they have become inseperable. Literally. I took The yearling, Reese, to the front barn to fix her halter the other day. Tortuga, the 2 year old, I left at the back part of the property. They neighed and whinnied at each other back and forth. I put Reese in a stall in the front barn to take off her halter. It may have been because she couldn't see her, but Tortuga, who is a draft horse and weighs over 1000 lbs, started running to the back of the property. I watched her and didn't think much of it until she circled around a tree and headed back toward the front fence at a full gallop. I yelled at her to stop, to no avail. I was worried she would charge the fence and hurt herself when it broke. She vaulted the fence! I haven't seen a horse jump that high before. She cleared it without touching the top rail at all! And out of the three fences she could have jumped, she was smart enough to jump the section that put her closest to the front barn. She came to me and I put her in the stall next to Reese until I was done. I made sure she didn't hurt her legs at all. It can do major damage for a horse that size to land on their front legs with all their weight coming down behind them. I am hoping she won't make a habit of it now that she knows she can do it. And I will be working them together for awhile to see if they settle down about being together. Barney & Lenny became best buds when we moved them too. It amazes me that they all have formed such a strong bond so fast.

I think of Greta and I and in turn think of Kie & Bri. I think of my friendships past & present. I think of the connections we make throughout our lives. Some bonds were made in an instant, some grew stronger over time.

Some are tested to see if they are truly strong enough and some have broken down over the years. Then there are the bonds that last longer than the lives that made them.
Bonds feed our heart, they motivate our soul. Good, bad, or indifferent, these are the ties that bind us, that hold us to the life we live and the people we live it with.
There are a select few I wouldn't jump a fence for.. but so many more of you I would jump that fence for over and over again!

A long road..

Randy's recovery has been a multitude of last minute miracles. Greta has been on an extreme roller coaster that doesn't seem to be over yet. He has finally been taken off the vent which means no more tubes down his throat, and he is breathing on his own with a pressure oxygen mask to help. There have been alot of close calls and complications. He had been sedated the past couple weeks to keep him calm and help his body heal. He woke up from that last night after some worry that he wasn't coming out of it as quickly as they had hoped.
He had another set back this morning and both he & Greta need all the prayers, good wishes, and candle lighting that you all can give. It is a long road they have to travel, let's give them a lift along the way.

Finding the lowest Gas Prices where you live..

Click on this link and find the lowest prices where you live. Every little bit helps!

Gas Prices - MSN Autos

An Anonymous Email Worth Sharing

Getting Older, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, close to the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 70 & 80's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car?
But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become.
I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)

We've Landed..

Actually Brian & I got back on Thursday afternoon. We watched the fireworks they had at The World Golf Village (across the street) on Thursday night, then Friday was a busy "catch-up" and unpack day. Bri & Justin came over and I cooked a 4th of July picnic style dinner. Then off I went Sat & Sun to pick up Tortuga and Reese (our fillies), from Georgia.
I am still trying to play catch-up, which seems to be a never ending quest. The kids are being kids and there is always plenty that needs to be done around here. I will post some pix of "the girls", Toruga & Reese, when I get a few extra minutes later. ttfn

Taking off..

Brian & I are taking a few days off. Off from work, off from kids, off from just about everything except each other. I am not sure if I will have internet access, and honestly, I am not sure I would bother with it anyway! We will be back on Thursday. Randy might be off the vent today. They had him breathing on his own through the night, so if all his levels and vitals are good he may be taken off the machine today. It's all good!

When I said I do

These times are troubled and these times are good

And they're always gonna be, they rise and they fall

We take 'em all the way that we should

Together you and me forsaking them all

Deep in the night and by the light of day

It always looks the same, true love always does

And here by your side, or a million miles away

Nothin's ever gonna change the way that I feel,

The way it is, is the way that it was

When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time

Be faithful and true, devoted to you

That's what I had in mind when I said I do

Well this old world keeps changin', and the world stays the same

For all who came before, and it goes hand and hand

Only you and I can undo all that we became

That makes us so much more, than a woman and a man

And after everything that comes and goes around

Has only passed us by, here alone in our dreams

I know there's a lonely heart in every lost and found

But forever you and I will be the ones

Who found out what forever means

When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time

Be faithful and true, devoted to you

That's what I had in mind when I said I do

Truer than true, you know that I'll always be there for you

That's what I had in mind, that's what I had in mind,

When I said I do

Tomorrow will be our 25th wedding anniversary. I would marry him all over again!

A Silent Scream

AARGHHHHHHHH!
Thanks, I feel better, just needed to get that off my chest!

Generations

It is part of evolution, nature's way, for there to be changes as generations pass from one to another. Some changes are good. Some seem to be not so good. There doesn't seem to be accountability, responsibility for things. There are exceptions, but they are not the majority.There seems to be a general attitude that someone else will pay for it/ fix it/ make it better. It seems there is no hesitation to use up someone else's time, spend someone else's dime.
And although they want you to fix the problem, they don't want to hear about it, nor do they want to have to contribute to the solution.
It is an "all about me" generation. We have raised them to be this way. I know an exception or two. Out of a field of about 40 young people I know personally. My own included. What will the following generation be like? It is a scary prospect indeed!

A long recovery..

Randy had open heart surgery on Wednesday. They did a triple bypass due to almost complete blockage of all his arteries. There is no telling how long he has had minimal blood flow. It explains him being sick and tired all the time. The Doctors explained that he would have the roughest time with recovery due to so many health issues. They have kept him sedated and on a ventilator since the surgery. They have been slowly weaning him off meds and letting him be less dependant on the vent so they hope to let him wake up sometime today, maybe tomorrow. It has been quite a rollercoaster and he has a very long way to go. It is a grueling process for him and for Greta too. I have been at the hospital alot and barely get to the computer, so bear with me. I will let you know what is going on as we go.

Catching up..

I was looking back over some blogs the past few months and realized I never updated a couple things, sorry!

Tristan is completely potty trained, About the beginning of May it finally clicked. He has done super.. no accidents!

Lenny did not have West Nile Virus. It took over 2 weeks for the test results to come back on that.. but he did have some unknown neurological virus that seems to be gone now. The treatments would have been the same. He does get a droopy bottom lip when he is tired. He may always have that now. He has a lump, seems to be just a hematoma, on his neck, that we will work on with massage and some DMSO. The ultrasounds show nothing there to worry about. So he is back to his old self again.

I think that catches things up.. if I have forgotten something, or have left you wondering.. let me know!

Kids say the darnedest things!

Have I told you about some of the kid's funniest phrases? They give me the giggles throughout my chaotic, crazy days.. here are a few.. I have no idea where most of these came from!

Tristan (when standing at the toilet to pee) "Fire in the hoooole!"

Tristan (when something suprises him) "Wow, I did not see that one coming!"

Hunter (when showing me an outdoor bowling set) "Look mom, they have the box open at this part for demonstration purposes."

Hunter (whenever you asked him almost any question when he was younger) "Not Today!"

Alexa (when you ask her to do something.. complete with pointed finger) "Just a minute, I be right back!"

Alexa (when telling on one of the boys) "Mom, you not gonna like this!"

There are more, I will have to blog them as they say them, or as I remember.. but those are the ones that popped into my head.

Okay, I debated sharing this one, because honestly, it makes my sweetie pie seem like a cad, but it really wasn't meant in a cad like way.. and he never does this in front of the kids, so here goes.
Yesterday morning Brian was telling the twins & I goodbye when he left for work. The kids were watching TV. (Hunter is away at Auntie Terri's all week for horse camp.) Brian reached over the back of the couch and as he kissed me goodbye he quickly groped caressed my breast. I guess it wasn't quick enough because Alexa saw him and said "He loooves you mom! He really loves you!" Just great.. at age 4 she already equates groping caressing with love! Then when we were getting ready to go out later, she thought I was staying home, so she hugs me, kisses me, grabs my breast and says I love you! Needless to say, I explained that she shouldn't do that, and that Papa hadn't meant to do that either. Oh, the lessons they learn by mistake!

Support & good wishes welcome!

Over the weekend Greta & I took our nephew, Justin, to Universal Studio's parks in Orlando. It was a very full, fun weekend. We got back Sunday evening. Monday night (Tues. am) at about 1:30 in the morning, Greta's husband Randy was rushed to the hospital. He has had a heart attack and they are still in the process of stabilizing him to do the heart catheter procedure they need to do to help him heal. He is having other complications that are holding off the procedure. Greta is with him throughout the day and evening, but they won't let anyone stay during the night. He is in the CCU, which is the Cardiac Care Unit at Shands Jacksonville. So say a prayer, burn a candle, whatever you do, any and all support and good wishes are welcome. I am busy doing what I can just to be there for them so I haven't been at the computer at all. I will update when there is news to tell. Hug the ones you love today, and maybe be a bit more tolerant with those you don't!

Have you ever heard the phrase..

..avoiding the ghost in the middle of the room? Or something like that.. I guess that is what I have been doing. I couldn't avoid Kierra's birthday on Monday. But I could avoid talking about it.
I can't avoid the feelings. I can't forget how much that day meant for all of her life, and the guilt that I dreaded that day coming. I dreaded the intensity of the emotions it brings. Time has not made it any easier.
We took Tristan & Alexa to the zoo. They fed the giraffes (pix in gallery) and played in the splash park. We made it as normal a day as we could. I can't say how we will deal with it next year. I don't know sometimes how I will deal with it today!
Brian & I put new flowers on the marker where she died. I have come to hate that place, that spot where she left us. I am glad the marker is there to remind the world of what happened and that her life ended there. Maybe it will make them think about their actions while driving, maybe not. I want the marker there. I just don't want to go there. I am filled with such anger and hatred when I go there. I can't make it a place where I can go to remember her, or talk to her. I do that wherever I am every moment of every day. I have things that bring me good thoughts and better memories than that place does.
I think, irrationally, I resent the reminder of where and how she died. As though I can pretend it didn't happen that way or happen at all. So I don't go there. When I drive by it I think I intentionally turn up the radio or think of something else, like a mental "to do" list to keep my mind occupied. I think I would do that wether the marker were there or not. It isn't the marker as much as it is the place where she died.
Grief rarely makes sense. It is a deep crevice and we always seem to teeter on the edge, we who are left behind to muddle through this life that has forever been altered. It is what it is. And we will get through it one day at a time. Because time keeps going, propelling us forward into whatever will come.
Every day I will embrace her, and her ghost, taking her with me wherever I go. But I know there will still be days ahead of me when I will avoid the ghost in the middle of the room, or at least talking about it, because those days it just hurts too much and I need to concentrate on teetering instead of falling. Thank you all for understanding, wether you truly do or not.

Alexa Sleeping 6.5.08

Alexa Sleeping 6.5.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is how we found Alexa when we were checking on everyone before we went to bed. She hadn't wanted to go to bed, so she leaned her princess chair back against the bed and this is how she fell asleep. She looked so comfortable we hated to move her!

Brianne & Justin 6-4-05

Brianne & Justin 6-4-05
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Happy Anniversary Baby!

Justin, the Graduate!

Justin, the Graduate!
Originally uploaded by mommanana

My nephew, Justin, graduated from high school last Friday in Illinois. He had a hard road to get there the last few weeks, but he did it!
Brian's niece, Savanna, graduates tonight in St. Pete. and his nephew, Chris, graduates tomorrow night in Niceville. We couldn't make it to any of the graduations, but we are proud of all of them. It isn't a small feat nowadays and we wish them all the best of everything in their future.

A Fair Tooth Fairy..

Hunter lost his first tooth last Wednesday. One of those "firsts" that we put on our path to growing up. I volunteered at his school yesterday and while I was having lunch with him and his classmates, we all discussed what rate the tooth fairy was giving out for first teeth. I was amazed. It ranged from $1-$20! Hunter was the $1. The rest got from $5 and up. Before I could come up with an explanation Hunter informed them that his teeth were very small, and that meant he had more teeth then them, so he would get more money for all of his than they did and the tooth fairy was trying to be fair. I tried not to laugh. They all seemed to think that made sense, so I left it alone. I sometimes wish I could have the imagination of a child. Things seem so much simpler through their eyes.

Jiminy Cricket 5.25.08

Jiminy Cricket 5.25.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is one of many, many, many pix I just loaded onto the photo gallery from our Memorial Weekend Trip to Disney. Go take a look by clicking on this pick and it will take you there. I am still trying to recover from the weekend! I will blog more about it later, the pix should keep you busy for awhile!

Damn Mosquitos!

My "No Battle Zone" didn't really work. And to add to my already stretched ability to deal with stress, one of my horses, Lenny, is sick. Very sick. The vet believes he has the West Nile Virus. I had him vaccinated before moving him, but was not aware he needed a booster to completely protect him. After a long night, he is showing marked improvement and responding well to the treatment. The initial symptoms did not seem serious, but yesterday afternoon I noticed a major difference in him. I almost waited until today to have him seen, but decided I couldn't take a chance that he would worsen through the night. When we first called the vet they asked if we were sure it was serious because it was after hours and the symptoms we described were not life threatening. When they saw him they said that it was very serious and they were glad I insisted. Catching it so quick made a big difference in how well he is recovering so far. It couldn't just be heat exhaustion, or something he ate.. it has to be a major neurological virus! They are doing the bloodwork to confirm it because it has to be reported to the state, but they are confident that is what it is. Brian had just asked me the day before if they were vaccinated because a case was confirmed in St. John's County where we live. I had them give Barney his booster on the spot and everyone is checking their horse's vaccine records. Lenny can't pass it along, but he got it from mosquitos that are infected, so all the horses are susceptible. Even my animals can't do anything halfway! I will keep you updated on his progress.

Pick Your Battles..

It seems lately I have been fighting one battle after another. I can’t seem to get anything done without a fight. Then there are the battles we fight just in our day to day life. It can be hard to pick which battles to bother with and which ones we will surrender to.
I never liked to SeeSaw when I was a child. My brothers thought it was fun to get me going, really enjoying the thrill of going up and down, then they jumped off and I would go crashing to the ground, hard. They left me scared and hurt on numerous occasions. (And they wonder why we aren’t close?!) It seems simple to say "why didn't you just stop getting on the SeeSaw with them?" Because they could be very convincing and/or threatening. And I really wanted to believe they liked me, maybe even loved me, enough not to hurt me again. I still want to believe that about everyone I care about. I still don’t like being on a SeeSaw and yet that is what my life feels like. The constant up and down. The feeling that things are going smooth and steady, then the unexpected, jolting crash to the bottom.
And I think one of the things that carries over from that type of life experience is that I absolutely hate it when my feelings are ignored or trivialized. When someone hurts me and discards my feelings as though they aren't important. And it is not something I get over quickly. Anger is a flashpoint, it is usually a surface emotion that I can get over fairly fast if it is just something I am mad about. But hurt runs deeper than that. It also tends to turn into resentment. So try as I might, I am not always able to just "let it go" if it is something that hurts my feelings. I don't always get to pick the battles either. Sometimes I am thrown in the middle of it wether I want to fight it or not.
I am still tending my bruises from the latest SeeSaw crash. I am not up to fighting any battles for myself or anyone else. So I am declaring a "No Battle Zone" for a few days, wish me luck!

Every Day by Rascal Flats.. to Brian

You could've bowed out gracefully
But you didn't
You knew enough to know
To leave well enough alone
But you wouldn't

I drive myself crazy
Tryin' to stay out of my own way
The messes that I make
But my secrets are so safe
The only one who gets me
Yeah, you get me
It's amazing to me

How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life

I come around all broken down and
Crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know

How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life

Sometimes I swear, I don't know if
I'm comin' or goin'
But you always say something
Without even knowin'
That I'm hangin' on to your words
With all of my might and it's alright
Yeah, I'm alright for one more night-

Every day
Every day, every day, every day
Every day, every day
You save me, you save me, oh, oh, oh
Every day
Every, every, every day-
Every day you save my life

Today is Brian's birthday. Like me, he can't quite "celebrate" things like we used to. So instead of trying to tell him "Happy Birthday", I will tell him I love him and let him know that everyday he saves my life..

Just the two of us..

Brian and I were able to take advantage of going to celebrate a milestone with a longtime friend.
I guess technically Vicky was Brian's friend first, but I have claimed her as mine since we met before Brian & I were even married. She is the type of person who always gives 150%.. and usually only gets about 5% back. So Brian & I were not going to miss her graduation from the (Law Enforcement) Corrections Officer Academy. We are so proud of her! She has worked her tail off. It was a good time with her, her friends, and family.
Brian & I went up the day before and stayed out at a resort on the beach. (Thanks to Nancy and my new cousin, Cathy!) We tried to plan this hot, romantic getaway, but had to laugh when things didn't go quite as planned. We got to walk on the beach, see a beautiful sunset, and have some time just the two of us. He earned some "Points" going to the mall and to the Disney Store to catch their big sale at the stores they are closing. (100 stores in the southeast by the end of June.. catch the sales! Only at the stores that are closing.) We took his Mom to lunch for a belated Mother's Day and got to visit with her for awhile too. There was no rush and no chaos.
We met Greg & Lisa in Crystal River for dinner so on the way up we stopped and walked around Homosassa Springs for a while. It was nice to just be together. We don't get to do that often enough. We need to think of something to do/ somewhere to go for our anniversary. We do not want any party or any big deal. We want to be together and do our own thing.
And a huge Thank You for the ones we love who kept the kids for us. We could not do it without you!

Time by the Greencards

On the wind, I feel the warmth
Like the town where I was born
Blowing down a two lane road
It rides just like the one back home
I close my eyes and then go back again
I hear a song on the radio
Reminds me of someone I use to know
We'd stay up until the dawn
Now that someone is gone
I close my eyes and then go back again
Time is a river, rolling out to sea
I close my eyes and then go back again
Last night, I had a dream
About a place I'd never been
Shining sun on fields of gold
It could be heaven for all I know
I close my eyes and then go back again
Time is a river, rolling out to sea
I close my eyes and then go back again
I close my eyes and then go back again
And again

I seem to go back alot lately, especially dealing with Mother's Day. It is both a blessing and a curse. All Holidays and special occasions are. It is such a dual edged sword, and it seems time is not the buffer others claim it to be. Joy, pain, sunshine & rain all roll together. I never know where the spinning wheel will stop. Keeping busy helps, and that is not a hard thing for me to do.. so off I go to tend to the many things to do on my life's list. Hug each other for me and reach for the sun.. I am.

I'm not lovin it!

We have been having warranty work done on our house since we hit the one year mark. That seems crazy to me, has it been a year already?! Today was the plumber because 2 of our toilets don't flush right, they never have. Then we have had major back-ups in Alexa's bathroom. They put better flush valves on them to add more water and pressure to flushing. Then they found a piece of cardboard from when they did the floors. It was blocking the hole at the bottom of the toilet. All those problems solved easily. The kicker was the pink toy stuck in Alexa's toilet. A square toy in a round hole. It was wedged too tight to get it out. They had to break the bowl and will put a new one in tomorrow. The toy was a little drawer from a carriage the kids broke quite soem time ago. It's one of those toys with parts and pieces that someone buys your child because it's so cute and they will love it.. I'm not lovin it at the moment!

My other "kids"..

Well, Brianne & I had an awesome ride with the horses the other evening. Although it was a bit longer than we had planned. We are stilling learning our way around and thought we could find a way around instead of backtracking the way we went to start with. No such luck, so we had to backtrack. But the horses did great and we really enjoyed the ride. It was much cooler than it would have been during the heat of the day. It will be fun to learn the trails and enjoy the horses. I was worried about Barney because I had so many problems before I moved him, but he was like the horse he used to be. It confirmed for me that the move was the right thing to do. I had some doubts and worries, but he showed me that I did the best thing for both of us! Yesterday Bri went with me and we gave Lenny & Barney baths. They didn't love it, but they did good. Then the ferrier was there to trim hooves on another horse and I got him to do Barney's for me and put new shoes on. Of course when I brought Barney back in from the pasture he had rolled in the dirt! They are just like kids. They drive me crazy.. but I love 'em!!

In a nut(ty) shell

Saturday Alex & I took Tristan & Alexa to Wild Adventures. All in all it was a good day. It was very hot and humid. I have some pix in the gallery so go take a peek. Alex had to leave early yesterday morning so he said his goodbyes Saturday night.
Yesterday, Sunday, I talked Chad into going to the stables with me ( he wouldn't ride.. isn't into the horses!) and then we went to the Fernandina Shrimp Festival. We met Terri, Savannah, & Hunter there. We ate some shrimp, walked around a bit and then headed home.
So here I am today, waiting for a repairman to come fix some warranty stuff on the house. Just got a call he can't make it, maybe on Wednesday. So I will try to get motivated, (haha), and do some cleaning. I am going to reward myself later when Brianne & I go up to the stables and ride the horses this evening! So there you have the past few days in a nut(ty) shell!

A new trick

I guess we are never too old to learn new tricks. I stole borrowed a tip from another blog. That way I can put what I really think, then replace it with something more tactful!
Isn't that a waste of time! special!

More Time.. LOL

It has been a busy and crazy week! The horses are settling in well. I can't wait to spend more time with them. Alex is here visiting Tristan & Alexa before he has to get ready to be deployed again. There are some cute pix in the photo gallery that he had done, click on any photo below and check them out! (You would think I wouldn't have to keep telling ya'll how to do that, but you would be suprised how many times I post a new picture and am asked how to get to the photo gallery.)
It is a quick visit so we have been on the run every day and am gone again all day tomorrow. I am hoping to get to the stables on Sunday. Maybe next week things will calm down a bit and we can get on a regular schedule. So I hope things are well in your corner of the world. I'll get back to blogging when I have a bit more time!

Alexa 5.2.08

Alexa 5.2.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This pic was a last minute fluke they caught when she was playing around..

Tristan 5.2.08

Tristan 5.2.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

He is quite the surfer dude, don't ya think?!

Nancy's Version of Tristan Walking

Nancy's Version of Tristan Walking
Originally uploaded by mommanana

I have this photo in the gallery, but this is the version Nancy sent me. I love how the colors are so much deeper and the light is on him.. too cool!

Sticker Shock!

This morning I took Hunter to school. There is always a line of cars for drop-off and pick-up. We were behind an old silver truck with a topper on the back. The back window had several stickers. As I glanced at the stickers I fervently hoped the line would move fast and I tried to keep Hunter busy with questions about everything and nothing. Then it happened. "Mom, why does that car have a sticker that says Mean People Suck?" I told him that some people feel that way and think it is okay to say that. He should not use the word "suck" maybe use "stink" instead. My efforts to distract him didn't work and after a few attempts he figured out the matching sticker to the first one. My mind had been scrambling for the answer to his next question that I knew was coming... "Mom, what does Nice People Swallow mean?" I took a deep breath and forged ahead.. "Mean People Stink because they say and do mean things and get angry and don't think about hurting people's feelings. Nice People Swallow their anger and mean things they might want to say or do so they won't hurt people's feelings." Wow, that was close!
We work so hard to teach them to read. I am always telling him to sound words out and focus on what he is reading. He has become very good at figuring words out. There are few things you can spell that he won't figure out what it is. Brian realized over the weekend that the trick of spelling words you don't want to say in front of him doesn't work anymore. I finished talking to someone on the phone quite a while back and Hunter asked me if the person I was talking to could read. I told him of course they could. He then asked me.. "then why did you have to spell out SEX for her?" Little ears hear more than you think they do! There was a time I would have put those stickers on my car. I would not have given a thought about a child parked behind me asking his mother what they meant. It gave a whole new meaning to the term "sticker shock"!

Running..

I am running on empty! We got back from our camping trip Saturday aftrenoon. Sat. night I went to Tanya's at about 9:30pm, we went to bed about 11pm.. we got up at 2 am, hit the road by 2:30 am. We got to the ranch in Madison at 8:15 am just in time to grab breakfast. We had Barney & Lenny loaded and hit the road by 9:30 am. We got to the stable at about 3:30pm Sunday afternoon. I left the stable at 6 pm and fell asleep on the couch at about 10 pm! You can't catch up on lost sleep, and my body is mad about it! I spent yesterday grooming the horses (they are settling in really well!) and running around town and today volunteering all day at Hunter's school. We have YMCA class tonight, so I am still on the run. The next few days will be busy too, so I don't see much rest in sight. And Brian wonders how I can fall asleep sitting up?!

Roastin marshmallows

Roastin marshmallows
Originally uploaded by mommanana

We made it home and all is well. They roasted marshmallows and hot dogs and made s'mores. They got dirty and they swam in the springs. They did alot more too, but I wll blog about that later. More pix in the gallery, so click on this one to get there and enjoy!

Off on an Adventure!

RV.. AKA here come the Clampetts!
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is where we will be for the next couple days. Terri & Dwight were very kind to let us borrow their RV to go camping. (Brian doesn't do tents!) So we are loaded and ready to go. Of course after taking the day off Brian got scheduled for court at 1:30, so he will meet us there. I guess it is a good thing I don't mind driving big vehicles! I don't know if there will be any kind of wireless internet, I doubt it, and honestly, I don't think I will even bring my laptop. I will have plenty to keep me busy with the kids and Brian. So I will blog pix and adventures on Sunday night.. We come back Saturday afternoon, but then I am off to bring Barney and Lenny from the ranch in GA to the new stable here. No rest for the wicked! The kids are ready to get buckled in and hit the road, so off we go!

Where to go..

Well, I had intended to get on here and blog the great things that happened "today", which is now yesterday in the calendar and clock world. In my world my day is not over yet, so it is still Tuesday!
The biggest "Great Thing" is.... Chad passed his driving test and has his official grown up license!
And do you know how great it was to send him to the store while I was fixing dinner?! He realized there wasn't anything to drink, and tada.. I sent him to the store! The benefit for him will be the ability to get a job and go back to school.. without me being his chauffer, which benefits us both.
On a lesser, yet still "great" note.. Tristan went poop in the toilet twice today! And one of those times was in a rusty toilet at the stables. (He has a hangup about toilets that don't look clean.) Of course that greatness was overshadowed a bit when he had a major blowout this evening and had to be hosed down in the shower. It seems he had an upset stomach and didn't make it. Not by a longshot! So we'll continue to be thrilled when he does and grossed out when he doesn't!
What a paradox of life's momentous occasions! We spend our lives waiting for the next goal, the next hurdle we believe they have to jump to become adults. We try to prepare them and us for the time in their lives when they are independent. I am juxtapositioned between a boy who is a 21 year old man trying to figure where he wants to go in his life, and a boy who is 4 years old trying to figure out where to "GO"!

East & West

Went to the ranch this weekend for a quick trip to get all the saddles and tack for the horses. I don't want to have to mess with any of it when we move the boys next Sunday. There are recent pix of "the girls" in the photo gallery. Tortuga goes to the trainer next week and then we'll move the girls the end of June. I am so excited that they will all be nearby! Greta went with me and we had a great dinner at the Ice House in Madison Sat. night and we even had a mini adventure when we got "lost" going west instead of east.. good thing I had my GPS in the car to get us back on track or we may never have made it home!

The Laundry Lowdown

There are things in my laundry that would make the strongest of men cringe! Tristan still isn't "pooping" in the toilet. He will go in his pants, on the floor, anywhere but where we want him to go! Honestly, I have thrown out underwear rather than have to clean them. He & Alexa still wear pull ups at night. Hers are almost always dry, Tristan is hit & miss. A pull up must have been inside one of their pajamas and made it into the washing machine. Do you have any idea how nasty the gel insides of a pull up are when they get wet, seperate, and attach themselves to a full load of clothes?! I mistakenly thought if I let them dry out a bit then they would shake out easier. I did not dare put them in the dryer. That gel stuff is made to hold water, not release it and dry out! It has taken me 2 days to get it all cleaned out and the wash redone. Nasty, nasty!

It's just a tag..

I was a bit sideswiped today when I went to renew our car tags. I didn't know there is a limit to how long you can have your tag. They demand they be replaced every 5 years, you have to get a new tag. I have the tag from Kierra's car on my van. At first they said we just had to change Brian's. Then they said, oops, yours too. It may not seem like a big deal.. but I don't want a new tag. I do not want to remove her tag from my car. It physically hurts to think of taking it off. I know some of you won't understand. You don't have to. I bought the damn replacement tag because I had to. I have not put it on yet. I guess I am supposed to do it a.s.a.p. So shoot me. I will have to have Brian do it later. I can't stand the idea of not seeing it on my car anymore, it not being there. I know it's just a tag, but it was hers...

Disney Dreams & Friends..

Sat. til today we had our friend Terry from S. Florida visiting. She got to ride the rollercoaster that is our life right along with us! She & I did get the chance to go to Orlando on Monday. We realized we are a bit spoiled. There were a couple of things she wanted to see at Disney that had changed since she had been there last, but overall, we had both been there, done that. We talked about how Disney is such a once in a lifetime dream vacation for some families, and we have gone so often it holds no novelty for us. I wonder if that is how people who live near other dream vacation spots feel? Can you see too much of the Grand Canyon? Is Hawaii one of those "great place to visit, but don't want to live there" places? I know we are not taking the kids to Orlando for Hunter's spring break next week, we are going camping instead! Anywho, it was a great visit with Terry, although as usual it was too short!

Celina 3.3.1996-4.15.2008

Celina 3.3.1996-4.15.2008
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Chad woke me at 3 am Tues. morning to tell me Celina couldn't walk on her hind legs. I reflex tested her throughout the night and into the morning and the sensation to her back legs decreased rapidly. She was 12 years old in March, well beyond the life expectancy for her breed. We have talked about her aging and knew we had her on borrowed time. That didn't make the decision any easier, but the Vet agreed that there wasn't anything we could do to help her. Her body was shutting down. We couldn't bear for her to be in pain or to suffer as her body betrayed her. We owed her better than that. Brian met me there and we let her go to sleep peacefully. Knowing we did the right thing doesn't make it any easier. She gave us great love and loyalty. Sweet dreams Nina..

Thank God for Throw Rugs!

Do you know how insane it is to have cream colored carpet with 1 big kid, 3 little kids, 3 dogs and 2 adults running amok on it all day? Trust me, it is major insane! I did not pick this color, it was already here. I have spent the past few hours steam cleaning Tristan's carpet. It will never look new again. It is varying shades of cream, but it will never be the same shade throughout that it once was. Even my "spot magic" cleaner, that is truly magic, can't save it all. So for now I am finished, it will be dry by morning.. and then I will throw a rug over it and be done!

It takes lots of Baby Steps..

I had to update (ok, brag) on my honey & I.. I fugure if I am going to share.. ya get stuck with the mushy stuff too! I told Brian pretty much what I blogged to ya'll and I even asked him about the mars/venus blow it off/hold a grudge thing we opposite sexes tend to do. I didn't yell, scream or cry, so I think he actually heard what I was saying. He has tried really hard to tell me he loves me, and to let me know he appreciates me. Baby steps are a wonderful thing, we are pretty use to them around here! So we'll take what we can get and both try a little harder. We didn't get through the past 25 years by takin it easy!

Hunter taking a break

Hunter taking a break
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is what happens when you spend a few hours in the sun building with your Dad.. you get worn out!

4.11.08 Hunter & Dad

4.11.08 Hunter & Dad
Originally uploaded by mommanana

See.. this I love, this makes me forget why I get so mad at my man sometimes.

Hmmmm

How do I shake this? How do I just brush myself off and be okay? I feel like someone stole my tootsie pop. I just want to go to bed and wake up tomorrow all better. How is it men do that? They blow up, blow it off and everything is just fine & dandy. So how do I become a guy? Maybe that is the answer... that's one I hadn't considered... hmmmm

Havin' a bad day

I was going to blog at 4 am, but thought it better not to. I am not in a very good mood today. But now I think you get what you get, my mood is not improving, and one of the things I do here is try to be honest. Maybe I'll be in a better mood tomorrow. Lord knows, I've been here before!
I go to my pain doc today. He will give me some shots in my neck to help me feel better. There are some pains a needle can't reach. And it isn't always about Kierra either.
I grew up with a father who waited 27 years to tell me he loved me. Did he love me? Of course. But I doubted it often, and always wondered what lacked in me that he couldn't say it. Was knowing he loved me enough? Not always.
It isn't so different when you are the person to always say I love you first. (On the phone when they say.. "Okay, Love ya, gotta go" doesn't count for me.) You sometimes wonder what lacks in you that they don't say it just because they feel it. That they only say it in response to you saying it first. And sometimes, they don't even say it then. I'm not talking occasionally. I am talking ... EVER. I am the type of person to keep track! So when something else upsets or hurts me, this just stands out more. He says it to the kids with no problem, just not to me. So that's a good thing, a break in the cycle for them anyway.
Brian & I come from very critical, difficult childhoods. I think an after effect of that is we are critical people. It also makes us, well me anyway, need reassurance. Acknowledgement that I have done something good/right. It chips away at me when I don't get that. To say " That's good, but could be better." is the same to me as .. you didn't do good enough. To say.. "that's great, but you didn't do this.. is the same to me as.. you didn't do good enough. After enough times of hearing that.. I figure why bother.. it won't be good enough. It doesn't, in anyway, motivate me to work harder or better. Negative re-enforcement never does. And once again, he doesn't do that so much with the kids.. just me.
Brian has been busting his butt working on putting the kids playground together in every spare minute he has had. I have tried to help when & where I can. He had some hassles with things not lining up last night. I stayed outside to help him, I told him what a great job he had done, how much the kids were going to love it. I thanked him for working so hard on it. I don't think it is too much to ask to get the same consideration once in a while.
Yes, my mind rationalizes.. it's his back ground, it's his military training, he's tired, he's stressed. I know & understand all that. Does it hurt my feelings less? NO. He's a great dad, the most awesome Papa. He works way too hard and way too much to provide for us. And on most other counts, he is a wonderful husband. I love him. Here's the part that kept me awake last night..
Do I think he loves me? Yes
But I doubt it often and wonder what is lacking in me that he can't say it first.
Is knowing he loves me enough? Not always
So I 've come full circle.. is that supposed to be a good thing?

Tidbit for Today

We live in such a lopsided world, a world where a group of Peacocks is called an "Ostentation".. kind of fits your impression of them doesn't it? A group of Larks is an "Exaltation".. okay.. that seems a bit much! Here's the part I find off whack.. a group of Crows is called a "Murder".. how unfair is that? and if you are a group of Ravens.. you are called an "Unkindness".

I know that is useless knowledge.. just a bit of trivia.. but that bugs me! How would you feel if everyone considered you a harbinger of death? I mean seriously, not just when you have a hangover! Anywho.. that is my tidbit for today.. enjoy!

Alexa at the window 4.7.08

Alexa at the window 4.7.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is my grandaughter, have you met her? She is precious & precocious. She is sweet and she is spicey. She can be tempered, but has quite the temper. She has eyes and a smile that will charm you, and a heart that seems to charm any creature she gets close to. She is a princess and a diva, trust me, that is a complicated combination! She has manners, and can manipulate like a grown woman.. just ask her Papa. She can be picky and she is a pixie. She is so much her mother, she is so much herself. She brings so much to me, and has so much yet to do. This is my grandaughter..

Alexa & Bri 4.7.08

Alexa & Bri 4.7.08
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This was at Paula dean's in Savannah on Monday. Check out the gallery for some other cute pix from the weekend. We had such a good time. We left the ranch Sunday. The ranch was booked and all the hotels were double pricing their rooms because of the Masters Golf Tournament in Augusta. (big deal!) So we stayed over in Savannah, ate lunch at PD's and walked around awhile before heading home Monday afternoon. Now I have to figure out something to do with the boys!

Class Basket for the auction

Class Basket for the auction
Originally uploaded by mommanana

I am so glad this part is over!! I finally got this done & turned in today, now I have to get through the auction/drawing & BBQ on Sat. and this major project is done! I will catch up on the weekend some more later. I left my one & only phone charger in GA, so until I find another one I am incommunicato!

Sunshine & Rain..

I was just thinking.. listen to my girls snore! "My girls".. it has been so long since I have thought that phrase in the present tense. But time marches on doesn't it? They are my girls in whatever context you want to consider it. Despite rain falling the entire day we had a good time. Lots of pretty horses, good movies, popcorn, coloring books, Starbucks, Walmart, Ice House, & Perk Avenue. By the way.. Ice House is a restaurant, and Perk Avenue is a coffee shop. We made our own sunshine!

Tootsie Pops!

Speaking of moving.. Dori is moving back to St. Pete as I type. Amidst madness & mayhem she is starting anew. I hope it all goes well for her. I wonder sometimes about what happiness is all about. I want it for the people I love & care about it. Yet it seems we all are forever in pursuit of the elusive, ethereal thing that will ultimately make us "happy". And when we think we have found it, is it long lasting?.. I always relate it to the tootsie pop commercial with the owl where he asks how many licks it takes to get to the center.. one, two, three.. then bites the lollipop.. and says .. three. Happiness must be the stuff in the center of the tootsie pop.. and how you get to it will depend on how patient you are, which will also decide how long it lasts.. ya think??
Well, I wish Dori, and all of you.. lots of tootsie pops!

I Feel Better..

On our way out of town yesterday Brianne & I stopped by the stable I have been thinking of moving the horses to. I got another look at things with a fresh pair of eyes and I think it will work out well. I am looking forward to having more time with the horses! I spoke with the staff at the ranch where the horses are now and confirmed that I am moving them. They were great about it and understand, but made me promise to keep in touch. I will try to get back up here in a couple weeks, then a friend of ours with a horse trailer will come up with me on the 27th to load the boys up and move them down. Tortuga will stay up here til the end of June for training and then we will move her too. I will really miss everyone up here, they are like part of the family, I even like some of them better than some of my own family! I guess I will have to make some visits every once in awhile just to say hi!

My Tuner must be broke!

Ok, so where's my tuner knob, the one that lets me change stations, lets me change the signals I can receive and broadcast? I have a squeaking guinea pig, a whiney child, 2 other demanding children & Brian is listening to some show about rock music.. I can't seem to tune them out. I don't know how people can do that, I am jealous! So off I go to get them all settled down.. and see about getting that damn tuner fixed!