My Memory is Long..

July 16, 1998 my biological father, Stanley Glover died of a fatal heart attack. I am the youngest of the five children he had with my mother. They seperated when she was pregnant with me. It was a very traumatic time for my brothers and sisters and I when he died, and there was emotional damage done that may never fully heal. Another shining example of the dysfunctional family I come from, but that is another story I may never tell.. anyway..

There are many parallels between Kierra's relationships with her "Father" and her "Dad" just as there were with mine. The first memory I have of Stanley I may have been about 3 years old. I think it stands out because it was traumatic for me. I have a couple pictures of me with him when I was younger, but the clearest memory I have is of him picking me up and accidentally burning my shoulder with his cigar. It was an anise cigar, with a strong licorice scent. I have never cared for black licorice. The only things I knew about him growing up were what I heard from my siblings and my mother, usually when they were mad at him, so most of it wasn't very good. So by the time I was a teenager I had a pretty monstrous image in my mind of who this man was. When I was 15 my oldest sister, Robyn, took me on a summer trip up to Massachusetts and we spent some time with him. I was scared to death! He taught me to go clamming on the 4th of July out on the point, and I ate my first steamed clam(yuck!). I wasn't cured of my fear, but it was lessened some what. After Brian & I got married and took a trip up north Robyn arranged for us to stay with Stanley. He was divorced and living with his dog Blackie. It was awkward at first, but after a few debates we managed to figure out who we were to each other. I wish I had more time to know him. I took the kids to visit alot when we lived in upstate New York. They knew him as the Grampa with the dump truck. He didn't have much of an education and could barely write or read. I sent alot of pictures and called on the phone when I couldn't get there to visit.

Kierra and I met Brian when she was 18 months old. She asked questions about having so many grandparents when she was about 7. I never lied to her, but I never offered any negative information about Rick. I hoped like Stanley, he would be a better person when he was older. I took Kierra to meet him when she was about 16. She saw him then, and once when he came to Florida to see her. They communicated for a while, but some things hadn't changed over the years and she could not accept the person he was at that time. I guess she never did accept him because in 2002 she legally changed her name to Shore. She would never get into the details and I respected that. Brian was her "Dad". Daddy. He has a framed "you are my father" poem Kierra gave him a few years ago. She adored him and he adored her. I was never jealous, but did envy the way they had with each other. I felt like the bad guy alot of the time when she & I butted heads.

It was like that with my mother too. My "Dad" was there for me as far back as I can remember. He still is a tower of strength for me. Although I couldn't lean on my Mom and cry on her shoulder when Kie died.. I fell into my Dad's arms and wept from my soul. It is a special bond. I think because he didn't have to love me, he chose to. Just like with Brian and Kie. She & I were very blessed to have such wonderful Dad's. I was also blessed to get to know my father and wish so many years had not been wasted. I will cherish what I had, as I do with Kie, and my memories will sustain me.. and my memory is long.. very, very long.

An Idea for a tattoo?

Kali - Hindu Goddess of time, death, energy.....

There are dozens of definitions. I guess for me those three have a connection in one form or another... Just an idea at the moment! (I would not do the nose ring in the design!)

Also noted from another blog.. Kalilily Time - About Lilith-She is that which does not surrender.

A Twisted Path..

I am not the sum of what I am going through. It doesn't have to define me.

Sounds good doesn't it? Terri sent me a link to a blog.. (Thank You Terri!) It was very interesting and inspiring. I feel like I have lost myself since Kierra's death. I know I am still in here somewhere, but I have been swallowed up by everything else. I get up each day and go through all the motions. But it is all driven by my grief, by what Kierra's death has done to my life. I put a quote on a site I had to register for to comment on this woman's blog.. it is a one line bio.. and what came to mind was;

"I am on a twisted path of my life's journey.. and I am not always the driver."

A dozen cliches' come to mind about controlling our own destiny, about being the only one who can change ourselves, about having the will power to overcome what holds us back. Again, it all sounds good. It just isn't so easy to apply. I will find myself, and I will regain control. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.....................(?)

Twilight Zone..

Yesterday was a busy day. The twins went to Kids by The Hour while I took Hunter to his therapy appt. He & I also picked up our meals from Super Suppers ( what an awesome find that place is!). Then we picked up the twins and took them to Supercuts where Kierra worked to get their hair cut. Sue was there, but I didn't recognize anyone else. Alexa's bangs don't cover her eyes now, and I only trimmed Tristan's around the sides and back. Sue asked how things were going. Then I took the kids to Applebees where Kierra worked for an early dinner. They don't have her pictures up anymore. I realized they don't at Supercuts anymore either. At Applebees Melissa was the only person I knew there. It seems strange with Andrea gone. The twins recognized Melissa and got all excited. They were all good. It just felt strange. Familiar, but not.

There is a shift from what was before, and what is now. And how things were after Kierra's death and now, 8 months later. I know she isn't forgotten really, they've just gotten past it, moved on. The world keeps turning. It just felt a little "twilight zone" for me. Like I am moving between 2 dimensions, and I never quite know when the "shift" is going to happen, and it seems like I am the only one who feels it.

Affirmation..

For all the downs, there are "ups" too. Vicky, a friend from St. Pete, came to visit on her way to Fort Walton Beach. She and her son Ryan stayed over Saturday and Sunday. I am not used to having so much company! Ryan was great with the kids and as always, Vicky is a great listener. I must be selfish, because between Vicky & Terry, I really enjoyed having grown up/ girl time. I get it from time to time with Greta and Brenda, and when they can, from Dori, Terri, & Nancy. But it was awesome to have someone here burning the midnight oil with me too.

And it reaffirmed for me that despite the users I have tolerated way too long, I am surrounded by loyal, loving people who truly care. That helps alot. It has been hard for me to realize that Kierra's death has been a way for some people to think I will forgive anything and everything. That with her death I became... what? Complacent? Tolerant? Stupid? Yes, life is short, we should love everyone, yada, yada, yada. That is true when it is reciprocated. I have never liked one sided situations. If I give respect and honesty.. damn straight I expect it back. OK, I am off on a tangent again.. I am almost sorry. Not totally sorry because people need to know I am not just spouting then over it.

So Thank You Terry & Vicky for giving me some much needed affirmation. I love you both and wish you lived closer! And thank you Ryan for being so great with the kids, despite the many times you got stepped on!

I shopped without spending!!

My friend Terry Moore from Miami came to visit for a few days. It was great to see her and to have the company. We got together with Greta and Nancy to see The Devil Wears Prada.. a good movie.. I had to leave just before the end to pick up the kids, but the girls said it ended well! Then Terry, Brenda, & I went to Orlando yesterday to go window shopping and get away for the day. It was great not to be on a timetable. I survived shopping without spending! Thanks to Kids by the Hour and Brianne & Justin, and Chad, for making that possible. Saw lots of cool stuff, got some ideas for Christmas and some birthdays. Even hobbling in my fracture boot wasn't too bad, other than a painful moment or two! And Thank You to Brenda & Terry for sharing the day with me.

Bring On The Rain..

by JoDee Messina

Another day has almost come and gone

Cant imagine what else could wrong

Sometimes Id like to hide away somewhere and lock the door

A single battle lost but not the war (cause)

Tomorrows another day

And Im thirsty anyway

So bring on the rain

Its almost like the hard times circle round

A couple drops and they all start coming down

Yeah, I might feel defeated,I might hang my head

I might be barely breathing - but Im not dead

Tomorrows another day

And Im thirsty anyway

So bring on the rain

Im not gonna let it get me down

Im not gonna cry

And Im not gonna lose any sleep tonight, no

Cause tomorrow's another day..

And I am not afraid

So bring on the rain......

Promises, Promises..

do me a favor... don't make them! I know in most instances promises are made and kept. But here lately that has not been the case! I know "stuff" happens, and some things are beyond our control. I also know the difference between "out of your control" and making bad choices.

This applies to things like the deal with the police department and Brian going to days. Had it been put as "when we have an opportunity to transfer you we will let you know, but we really can't make any promises" that would be different than to constantly say.. in April.. wait .. in May.. wait.. mid July, oops, maybe not til January.

And if you promise to pay something back and it is stipulated that it is needed in a specific time frame...make it a priority to follow through. Don't blow it off once, then twice, then again, and so on, and so on... and of course the flip side of that is ... NEVER loan money you need or expect back. If it isn't disposable income.. don't do it! We know that, but made an exception. That was one of those bad choices I was talking about!

And do your best to never break a promise you make to a child. A promise is a trust. You can build that trust or you can break it. Trust builds confidence, integrity, loyalty. It can also tear those things down when promises are broken.

It is usually with the best of intentions that people make promises. Promises to keep in touch, promises to help out, promises to go to lunch, or see a movie. Promises to repay a loan, promises to replace something lost or broken. Some of those promises seem trivial. Some don't even seem like real promises, so maybe they don't count? Wrong. For me, my life hangs by a fragile thread most of the time. My trust is not easily given. If I count on something promised to me, I truly count on it. My expectations are that my trust in you was valued by you. That you hold as much importance to your promise as I do. So you break more than your promise. You break my trust, my faith in you. And bitch that I am, I leave those broken pieces where they fall. I don't rush to pick them up and put them back together. Right or wrong.. my perception is my reality.

You don't have to like it or agree with it. I'm not asking you to. But know that it is what it is. Consider this my "fed up" phase. Whatever works for you and helps you sleep at night. For those of you not on my shit list.. kudos. For those of you who are, and you know who you are.... I promise you won't get the chance to break a promise to me again.

A "life sucks sundae".. Oh PLEASE may I have another?!

I am beyond frustrated. It seems every thing is in limbo, or screwed up! The civil case is emotionally frustrating, and the criminal case is just as bad, just not as personally draining, although it all takes a toll. I have to hurry up and wait on going too public with C.A.R.R., and have to wait to get the whole thing set up legally and get everything registered and filed correctly, so that is in a holding pattern as well. There is no help in sight to do anything about adding on to the house and we can't afford to move.

Then to top off my "life sucks sundae"... a big fat cherry with the pit.. Brian is not going to days.. not this month or for quite a few months.. if ever.. maybe January. And of course it is out of the chief's hands, no one can do anything about it.... blah blah blah. They are too short staffed... again..maybe deciding NOT to fill 70 jobs to save the city money wasn't such a smart idea... but the big wigs eat dinner at home with their families every night don't they?? And obviously the fact that our family is in crisis, and Brian being home more was the light at the end of my tunnel, doesn't mean jack shit to any of them. So serve up my sundae with an extra helping of bitterness and resentment, and pour some more police politics bull shit on the side. With any luck.. I'll puke it back up on their nice clean carpet, because no matter how you serve it.. it ain't goin down easy!!

A Foot Note..

Hunter & I enjoyed our time together. We got rained out on Friday at Busch Gardens, so we headed to orlando earlier than planned and went to the Magic Kingdom for a couple hours Friday night. Saturday we went to Epcot, had a rough spot when Hunter wanted to leave and not go to the land of Imagination where Figment (the original purple Dinosaur!) was. Later he told me it was because Kierra had promised to take him there someday and he would never go there without her. I told him she would want him to go and someday I want to take the twins there because it was her favorite when she was little. He said he would think about it.

Sunday we went to Disney Quest after we had lunch at the Rainforest Cafe, then headed home. We couldn't go Kayaking because on Thrusday before we left I went to the foot Dr. and left the office in a soft cast and walking shoe. I get a fracture boot this week. They think I have a stress fracture from my accident the end of April that has healed partially, but is not done healing and is still giving me a lot of grief. So no getting it wet.. no kayaking. Once I have the fracture boot I can take it off as needed. We'll see how it goes!

Hunter, Minnie, & Mickey 7-9-06

Hunter, Minnie, & Mickey 7-9-06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Kissy Face July 9, 2006

Kissy Face July 9, 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

We went to the Rainforest Cafe for lunch today. This was the picture Hunter picked as his favorite!

Mom, Mickey, & Hunter 7-8-06

Mom, Mickey, & Hunter 7-8-06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

On our way to start our day at Epcot. This was taken at the hotel.

Taking some Hunter time..

I will not be online or blogging for a few days. Usually I try to take Hunter on a Mom & Me day about once a month. He broke his arm in April and we haven't done anything since, so I owe him about 3 days! I got passes for he & I for the year at most of the parks, so we are going to Busch Gardens on Friday, an Orlando park on Saturday, and if we can work it out, we may go kayaking on Sunday, then be back home Sunday evening. If not we will go to one of the water parks. We haven't been kayaking since the day Kierra died, so I figured this might be a good opportunity to get back in the water for both of us. I posted a few pix from this past weekend and the 4th of July. It went by smoother than I expected. We didn't go to any fireworks because the twins don't like thunder or loud noises, especially Tristan. Maybe they will be better about it next year. Hunter went to Metro park with Brianne & Justin Monday night for fireworks and an outdoor movie.. Madagascar. He had a blast, so he didn't feel like he missed out on anything when we stayed home the next night. We will see fireworks again this weekend at Disney. He is so excited, and so am I. I miss time with him. That may sound silly, I am with him all the time, but for almost the first 5 years of his life he was almost an only child, the other kids were older. Hunter & I did alot of things together. Now there are 2 more kids demanding my time & attention, and although he knows why, and he loves them.. his life has still changed dramatically. He has alot of anger issues. Not really directed toward the twins, but at Kierra's death and at "that bad man who killed her" as he puts it. So if I can put a smile on his face and give him some of my time, it is well worth it. Brenda, Greta & Randy, and Brianne & Justin are all tag teaming and caring for the twins so Hunter & I can do this. A ginormous THANK YOU to them..It takes a village to raise a child..

Hunter July 2, 2006

Hunter July 2, 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Chillin' in the pool at Auntie Terri & Uncle Dwight's house!

Alexa July 2, 2006

Alexa July 2, 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Alexa posing in her new tinkerbell bikini!

Tristan Sleeping 7-4-06

Tristan Sleeping 7-4-06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Worn out from playing all day and no nap.. he zonked out by 6 pm!

Cooling Off for the 4th of July

Cooling Off for the 4th of July
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Brian in the pool with the kids.. his first time!

An hour of my life..

I had to pick up a couple things at Sam's Club the other day and there was no way I could do it without taking all three kids. After getting all 3 kids dressed and loaded up in the van we headed out on our adventure. Just for comparison, if I had done this errand alone it would have taken me about 15 min. from out of car to back in it!

We pulled into the parking lot at 3 pm. I tried parking close to where the shopping carts are, but no luck. So I opened the van side door on the driver's side, reached over and unbuckled Alexa from the other side of the back seat, then quickly unbuckled Tristan so I could grab Alexa before she climbed into the front seat. You may be asking why I didn't get Tristan out and walk around to Alexa's side to get her out. Well, it takes 2 hands to undo the car seat, and that would leave Tristan untethered in the parking lot. I have tried to have Hunter hold his hand, but that causes and argument from Tristan, so that doesn't work out so well.

So now we are all out of the car and heading toward the nearest shopping cart. I am holding each of the twins hands and Hunter is holding onto my shirt just behind Tristan. My purse is sliding off my shoulder, but other then the risk of hitting one of the kids in the head, I don't care, my goal is to get them in a cart ASAP! Fortunately this Sam's club is being upgraded and they just got new carts.. they have them set up to hold 2 toddlers in front, or 1. Most places don't have them like that. The only option then is the big "car" shopping carts where most of the safety belts are broken and they try to climb out! In a real pinch they have to sit where the groceries are supposed to go, and the groceries go where the seat for 1 child is.

Finally they are buckled in and we are on our way into the store! Then I realize I left my Sam's card in the car from when I got gas.. back to the car and then back to the store! We make 2 pauses/stops where they have the movies because Hunter is looking for Superman, so I remind him it is at the theaters, not on DVD, and we head back to where the dog food is (at the back of the store). Now is when Hunter informs me he has to go to the bathroom... BAD! So we head back to the front of the store to the restroom. I have to unload the twins, set my cart aside and take all three into the restroom. I let the twins wash their hands while Hunter does his business. Tristan is trying his darnedest to get away from me and run for the door. All hands washed we head back out into the store. My cart is gone! Along with the dog food. So now we go accross the front of the store to the other side where the entrance (and the carts) are. Of course along the way I ask a couple employees if anyone had seen the cart, or if there were any empty ones, and of course the answer was no.

We get reloaded into the cart, and head back for dog food again. I get the few items I need and we head for the front check out. We have a couple more pauses/stops when Hunter stops to look at things he really, really wants, but isn't getting today. In line a very nice man informs me that Alexa is missing a shoe. She tends to take them off when she is mad.. she just uses her other foot to push it off her heel. If I don't hear it drop Tristan usually tells on her. She had gotten mad a couple times when I would not get something she wanted. I didn't hear, and Tristan didn't tell. I look around the immediate area.. no shoe. So we back track and after about 10-15 minutes we find her shoe.

So back we go to the check out line, which is now longer than it was before. We wait our turn, pay for our items and head out to the car. I turn the car on to get the air going.. it is at least 100 degrees in the car. I pull the cart right up next to the van (which isn't always possible if people park too close), I put Tristan in first because he is my climber/runner, and then I lift and reach Alexa accross to her seat because the person parked on the other side parked way too close. Hunter climbs in and buckles up. I put the groceries and dog food into the back, put the cart under the nearest tree (the place to park the carts is too far for me to go with the car left running.) I get in the driver's seat and note the time... 4:03 pm. Why do I feel like it was longer than that!?

One of the lucky few..

For every flicker of joy, there come flames of sadness..

Kierra fell in love with Brian before I did, she was 18 months old. The morning after meeting him for the fist time she went right up to him and called him Daddy. She didn't call anyone Daddy at the time and it suprised both of us. She took right to him, and I must admit.. so did I! That morning was Dec. 31, 1982. Kierra & I moved to Wyoming May 12, 1983. We were married July 1, 1983. It was quite a big deal for Kierra because whenever we talked to her about it, she said she wanted to get married too. So it was always "we", Kierra & I, were going to marry Daddy.

The night before the wedding Kierra & I stayed over at a friend's house. Ron Parsons stood in for my Dad and he and his wife Karen let Brian come over and tuck Kierra & I into bed, but then made him go home so he wouldn't see me the day of our wedding until I walked down the aisle of the church. It was small, simple, and one of the most beautiful days of my life. None of our family or friends from out of state could make it, so we had a few friends we knew there and the three of us. Ron's wife Karen was my matron of Honor, Brian's room mate Tim was his best man, and Kierra was our flower girl.

For Brian & I, our entire life together has been with Kierra, so how can it be we are without her now? "We" were supposed to be married forever. I can't recall the joy of that day without feeling the sorrow of her being gone. Please don't remind me how much I have to be thankful for. I know that, and I am thankful, but I can not seperate my mind from my heart. I can not disconnect my memories of her life from the memory of her death. So right now it is hard to celebrate our life together. I will cherish this day always, but it isn't a "happy" anniversary for us. I had the hardest time finding a card that wasn't full of cheerful, chipper crap. I did find a card that talked about having a true partner, someone they can count on in good times and bad..a love that is even stronger for all they've been through together. About being one of the lucky few to find someone like that... and I am.

Our Little Flower Girl

Our Little Flower Girl
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Kierra was so excited.. "we" were getting married!

On the Church steps July 1, 1983

On the Church steps July 1, 1983
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Lighting the Unity Candle

Lighting the Unity Candle
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

July 1, 1983.. boy do we look young!

First Family Picture June 1983

First Family Picture June 1983
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

This was about a month before we got married, just after Kierra turned two.

Easter 1983

Easter 1983
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

This was at my Mom & Dad's house. Brian was visiting from Wyoming. Kierra & I moved there just a few weeks after this.

Thank you Brenda..

Brenda spent most of today here at the house. She watched the kids while I was at my therapy appt. and then when I went to pick up the truck from the shop. She usually comes over on Tues. & Thurs. because she has classes on this side of town. Now she isn't the only one who watches the kids, Chad is my right hand when he is around, and Brian trys to pitch in too ( but Brenda has more patience and interaction with the kids than the "guys" do!)

And of course Brianne & Justin are a Godsend when they take them to Church and for the day on Sundays and when they can take them for a couple hours on Wed. nights. Terri, Dwight & Savannah have kept them for days for me before and Greta & Randy have pitched in too. I truly appreciate all their help. Thank you all for being there when I need you.

What made today stand out was her just hanging out. I had a weepy therapy appt. and a rough week. The kids wouldn't take naps, they were shifting between good & cranky. It was loud and chaotic at times. But Brenda hung out most of the day til almost 7 pm. I usually spend my days alone with the kids. She helped and listened and was just "there". We didn't go any where or do anything special, which is how most of my days are. So.. Thank you Brenda!

A spoon full of sugar...

My therapist and I had a long discussion today about my depression being worse than usual this past week, more of the physical symptoms.. lethargy, not caring if I showered( don't worry, I did!) feeling like I could just stay in bed and sleep. I took care of the kids, but did the bare minimum as far as taking care of the house and myself. I also talked about feeling disconnected from everything. All of which she reassured me is normal. She did say I might want to think of trying some medication to help get me over the hump. I feel better the past couple days, and I am not a pill taker, so we will see. One of the questions yesterday was if we had been to any counseling and if we had been prescribed any meds. I asked my therapist what difference that would make and she said perhaps they consider that an indication of how much we are suffering, or how we are coping. I get irritated just thinking about some stranger trying to calculate how much we are suffering! Okay, maybe more than just irritated! Anyway.. I am not so keen on taking meds.. never have been. I won't even take Tylenol PM to help me sleep. I think I worry about taking anything that may actually help numb some of my pain. How easy it might be to take a little extra, or take more often than I should. I have seen what addiction can do. I think I have a healthy concern that it might be too easy to depend on something other than my own strength to get me through. The quote tattooed across my lower back says "Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the strength to conquer it". I guess I should have had it put somewhere I could actually see it!

The legal side of life..

I can't go into detail, which sucks, but doesn't do much good to dwell on anyway... Had a court hearing on the criminal case Monday.. put off again.. no suprise. Not much more going on there til Sept./Oct. Had depositions for the civil case today, Brian finished, I have to go back another time. The questions are repetetive and range from irrelevent to personal. It brought alot back. My impression of the other attorney... hmmm... no comment. There is an ancient quote about if you have nothing nice to say.... On the other hand.. I could go on for hours about our attorney!!

So this week has been a bummer so far. I think that is why I was feeling so blah the past week. I knew it was coming and there is only so much I can fend off.

I have a heart necklace with some of Kierra's ashes in it. I wear it alot. I wore it today. I spent alot of time rubbing it. It was hard not responding to some of the questions Brian was asked, and even harder not to correct mispronunciation, and misinformation when it was used during questioning. But I stared out the window alot and just kept rubbing the "my heart" pendant.

So now it is dark & rainy outside, which seems fitting for my mood. The twins are napping, which they seem to be growing out of, so I will enjoy it while it lasts! Hunter is supposed to be cleaning up the toys he has all over his room, but is beside me playing more than cleaning!

Our lives keep moving forward even as we keep getting pulled back to Kierra's life and ultimately, her death. Like shifting sand beneath our feet, we are constantly trying to balance ourselves. Never quite able to relax and stand on stable ground. I wonder, even after all this legal crap is said and done, if we will ever feel safe & secure with our lives again. If we will ever be able to look ahead without fear. I guess I will try not to think about it too much today. I will think about it tomorrow.. for tomorrow is another day...

Tristan 6 21 2006

more Tristan 6 27 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

I'm King of the World!!

Hunter & Lexie June 21,2006

at the Florida Mall in Orlando ( Long Story!)

Hunter & Lexie June 21,2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Brenda & Tristan

June 27, 2006 at Ollie Koala's

Brenda & Tristan
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Brenda & Alexa

Having fun at Ollie Koala's June 27, 2006

( like Chuck E. Cheese.. without the rat!)

Brenda & Alexa
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Tristan has a hang-up..

I noticed a few months ago that whenever Tristan has a blanket he has to find the tag and hold onto it. I mean EVERY blanket, EVERY time. The only exception is a "no-sew" blanket I made for him back in September or October of last year. But it's fringe is all about "tag size" and he holds onto that. He has continued that habit. Alexa woke up after her day of humming... no humming now. Which is actually a bit of a relief, because it did tend to wear on the nerves!

I have rearranged the play area again. We had some toy box/shelves on the wall where we have a pass through counter to the kitchen. Tristan (and recently copycat Alexa,) started climbing on top of them and climbing over the counter into the kitchen. Nothing seemed to discourage his climbing adventures. So I moved the box/shelves to another wall. So he started pushing their picnic table over to climb on that. So today I attempted to distract them from their self made Mount Everest. I attached a large magnet board and some chalk boards onto that wall and mounted some small bins for the chalk and magnets. I am hoping that will give them something else to do with that wall! I'll let you know how it works out!

We have a Hummer..

Her name is Alexa! For some unknown reason she hummed all day today. She hummed along to songs on her disney shows, and some commercials she knew, but mostly just hummed random tunes. No rhyme or reason. And not occasionally, all day.. no matter what she was doing. The only time she stopped was when she took a nap and when she fell alseep at bedtime tonight. I am curious to see if she continues to hum tomorrow! (Tristan even put his finger to his lips a couple times and told her Shhh!)

The mind is the strangest thing..

A couple weeks ago I painted Alexa's nails and toes with purple glittery nail polish that changes color in the sun. She loved it and got so excited, I got so caught up in her excitement I said.. "I can't wait til you show Mommy your purple nails!" Alexa didn't seem to notice or skip a beat as she went running to show the boys her nails and toes. I felt like someone punched the air out of my lungs. I know better, I know that can't happen, so why did my mind let the thought materialize into actual words? How could I forget for a second that she is gone? I think because the 24 years she was here override the 7 months she has been gone. The brain is a creature of habit and it was an automatic response to Alexa's enthusiasm.

Then today Brian and I were talking about our English Mastiff needing her nails clipped and a good bath and ear cleaning. She is way overdue. My first thought was.."as soon as I can get Kie to help me.." because she always helped me with her or took her to work with her to get treated.

Brian offered to help me with her on Sunday. I could probably handle her alone, but she gets so nervous and it is quicker with 2 people. Anyway, once again, I know she is gone, so why can't my brain catch me before I complete those thoughts? Because with those thoughts, there is the immediate acknowledgment that she is dead. Then the pain & grief come back full force.

I have felt so tired the last few days, Of course I couldn't go to sleep til 3 am last night, but usually I don't feel as tired as I have lately. Tired and... blah, for lack of a better description. So I will go clean the kitchen and try to get some sleep, maybe I can rest my weary mind and body.. and not have those kind of moments as often!

This weekend..

This weekend was a mixture of the sweet and the bitter. Saturday Shelia Brandhuber married Paul Vierling. Shelia's family and ours met while we were all stationed in England with the Air Force. We have watched each other's children grow and tried to be there for all the big events. The wedding was beautiful and the reception was a good time had by all. Shelia's colors were purple and ivory. I thought alot about Kierra. She should have been there..

Then yesterday was Father's Day. Between Brian losing his father last year and then losing Kierra, Brian didn't really want to acknowledge the day. I felt the same way about Mother's Day. He had the day off ( forcibly, his police car was in the shop!). So later in the day we went over to Harold & Diane's. It was their 35th wedding anniversary. We stayed for dinner and late into the night (Leslie brought me lobsters from Maine!). We reminisced about old stories.. and heard a few new ones! I can't remember the last time we laughed like that. I laughed til I cried! (ROFLMAO!) It felt good. We don't get to see them very often, so Shelia's wedding weekend helped us reconnect. There are alot of people we have drifted away from. Not intentionally, but life is different for us now. Brianne had the kids most of the day yesterday, then Chad put them to bed for us. We can't just get up and go like we used to. Child care for 3 kids is expensive and hard to find. We don't have any friends who have small children anymore. So we are out in left field most of the time between having the kids to tend to and Brian having to work so much to take care of all of us. So we make the most of the time we get to have with friends and family. I hope you all appreciate each other out there. It is too easy to take friendships for granted. We love you all!

Choices..

This week seems to be all about choices. I just read an e-mail from someone close to Kie about the choices they wish they had made, and how the choices they chose affected so many things. I think about choices people make, thinking they aren't such a big deal, but they devestate someone else. Some choices are made without thinking at all, or with any specific intention, but can have such tragic outcomes. How often we make choices without concern for the ripple effect it will have for someone else. I think about the choices Kierra made the day she was killed, and the choices that bastard made. Look how many people have been affected by the choices of someone none of us even knows!

Choices aren't just about the big decisions. They are choices in things we say, things we do, every moment of every day. Something as simple as a kind word or act to a stranger at the grocery store could change how they treat someone else that day. Not saying I love you to someone you care about, and never seeing that person again. From the most simple to the most important, it is a momentary click in your brain, a momentary choice that could change so much..

Arabic Proverb..

A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff & grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.

You don't really know me..

I am not who I used to be,

I am not who you knew..

You don't really know me,

you just think you do..

_________________

I once was a woman

with hopes and dreams..

I now am a woman

with life torn at the seams..

_________________

You think I am strong

and I do everything right..

You don't see me crying

in the dark of the night..

_________________

My weakest of moments

come more than you think..

My darkest of moments

take me to the brink..

_________________

I live on the edge

much closer than you know..

I live in a world

alone wherever I go..

_________________

I am not who I used to be

I am not who you knew..

You don't really know me

you just think you do..

I close my eyes..

I see so clearly the tiniest of hands,

reaching out to grasp my finger,

the smoothest of skin,

the silkiest of fuzz for hair.. I close my eyes

______________________________

I see so clearly the prettiest of smiles,

filling her face from ear to ear,

eyes twinkling with excitement,

eager to start her first day of school.. I close my eyes

_____________________________________

I see so clearly the brightest of stars,

shining on the stage,

her 1st dance recital,

she was beauty and grace.. I close my eyes

______________________________

I see so clearly the best of cheerleaders,

on the JV squad,

laughing with her friends,

making the most of high school.. I close my eyes

__________________________________

I see so clearly the strongest of women,

carrying twins to the healthiest birth,

to give them the best chance at life,

her proudest moment.. I close my eyes

___________________________

I see so clearly the truest of hearts,

tears choking him as he tells of her death,

a father's love torn from his life,

so senseless, so tragic.. I close my eyes

___________________________

I see so clearly the loveliest of faces,

so real I reach out to touch her cheek,

a thousand memories flood my mind,

from first heartbeat to last.. I close my eyes

I see..

I see a Mother..

learning about the child within,

yearning for the life about to begin.

I see a Mother..

knowing this love is like no other,

growing from a woman to a mother.

I see a Mother..

trying to face the worst of her fears,

crying her unconsolable tears.

I see.. myself.

Kierra Newborn & 3 months

Kierra Newborn & 3 months
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

I was so young. Kierra saved me, in so many unexplainable ways. I could bear the pain of her birth a thousand times and not come close to how this pain of her death wears on me, tears me down, makes the simplest of tasks an unsurmountable hurdle. I go through the motions of each day, some harder than others, some easier. All without Kierra..and it F~ ing sucks!

Life Ain't Always Beautiful..

My SISTER-in-law, Lisa, sent this to me in an e-mail,

Genre/Lang. : Country Gary Allan

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard.
Life can knock you down,
It can break your heart.

Life ain't always beautiful:
You think you're on your way.
And it's just a dead end road,
At the end of the day.

But the struggles make you stronger,
And the changes make you wise.
And happiness has it's own way,
Of takin' it's sweet time.

No, life aint always beautiful.
Tears will fall sometimes.
Life aint always beautiful,
But it's a beautiful ride.

Life aint always beautiful:
Some days, I miss your smile.
I get tired of walkin' all,
These lonely miles.

And I wish for just one minute,
I could see your pretty face.
Guess I can dream,
But life dont work that way.

But the struggles make me stronger,
And the changes make me wise.
And happiness has it's own way,
Of takin' it's sweet time.

No, life aint always beautiful.
But I know I'll be fine.
Hey, life ain't always beautiful,
But it's a beautiful ride.
What a beautiful ride.

Moms & Daughters June 5 2005

Moms & Daughters June 5 2005
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

The Bride & the Ring Bearer

The Bride & the Ring Bearer
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Hunter got out of his tuxedo pretty quick, but was still the Bride's "little man"!

Mother and The Bride

Mother and The Bride
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

One year ago today.. now the Bride is about to become a mother and the mother is about to become Gramma!! Amazing how life transforms us!

Britt & Tommy, The Day before their wedding..

Britt & Tommy, The Day before their wedding..
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

At Brianne's reception..One of my favorites of them.. They got married the day after Brianne & Justin,, what a weekend that was!

What a beautiful Bride!

bri 8 x 10
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

We are so proud of her..

Family Joke.. they got me!

funny 3
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Notice "Angelic" Kierra acting all innocent!

Brianne with Justin

Brianne's Wedding 06-04-05 Greg's 083
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Of all the pix, this is one of my favorites of them together. She is taking a breath, closing her eyes..leaning against him.. they are man & wife..

Always my Baby Girl

after 16
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

No matter how old she gets.. (or how tall!) She will always be my baby girl!

Proud Daddy, Beautiful Baby..

8 X 10 bw
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

They danced to "Baby Mine" by Bette Midler at the reception.. we all cried!

A year ago today..

prep 8
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Hard to believe so much time has gone by.. What beautiful girls!
This was at Terri's, ready to go to the Castle!

My Hamster Wheel..

My hamster wheel is on autopilot. I just keep running and running and don't care where I go. I am busy with Shelia's wedding, which I love doing! I am busy with JACKPOTT and multiple projects through them. And as always I am busy with the kids and the house. I think I am trying to convince myself that if I stay super busy the next week will be easier.. don't I know better yet?! Be forewarned the blog for the next week or so may be pretty depressing.

I keep dreaming that I am pregnant with Kierra. I feel the first flutters of movement, and then the rolling and kicking she did the last few months before she was born. In my dream I rest my hands on my stomach full of life.. then in a flash it's gone, she is gone and I am laying there all alone. I know it is because her birthday is Friday. Yet knowing why doesn't lessen the unimaginable grief I feel as fresh and new as the day she was taken from us. So no matter how busy I make my waking hours, my mind does as it wishes with me in my sleep. As much as I focus on the good and the happy, how much I try to remember her laugh and her smile.. in my slumber I can not hold back the pain or the tears, nor can I stop the flood of emotion my dreams create. So I sleep as little as possible and when I am awakened by the pain of my grief, I don't allow myself to go back to sleep, to go back to that dark world where I am all alone and no one can help me, where no one can stop the dreams or the pain. Yes, I am tired, some days exhausted, but I can handle tired, I can handle exhausted.. I can't always handle the pain..

Remember the good..

Just last week I got a phone call from Jessie Miller ( she is Jessie Aquino now, expecting her 2nd child.. but she will always be Jessie MIller to me!) because she had just seen one of the blogs about Kierra and didn't know what had happened. I tried to reach her in November, but we had been out of touch and none of the info I had was any good. I think she & Kierra were about 6 or 7 years old when they met. We lived across from each other in base housing in New York. They were fast friends. It was very hard for them when it was time for our families to move on to another Air Force base. Then when we were in England they moved across from us again! They were inseperable. Which made it even harder when it was time to move again. They always kept in touch until they drifted apart the past couple years. It was and still is a shock for Jessie and her family. I know how fresh the pain still feels for me even after all these months. I keep telling her to hold onto the good. There are so many memories to enjoy. There are always tears, but don't let them take over and wash away the happiness and laughter. Kierra's laugh was infectious, I can still hear it... so remember that.. and so much more.

Lexie 18 months Aug. 2005

This was a photo taken when the twins were 18 months old. Kierra & I decided not to get it then because there wasn't a good one of Tristan to go with it. The photo place holds the negatives for 12 months, so I reviewed them all recently and decided this was too good not to keep!

Lexie 18 months Aug. 2005
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Twins 6 2 2006

Twins 6 2 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Today at the zoo's splash and play area. Tristan runs right through the water, but Lexie tip toes and won't get soaked! They are water babies.. we will have to set up the pool this weekend. I was worried taking all 3 by myself, but they did great. I refuse to stay home and stare at 4 walls all day!

Pre-K Grad May 15, 2006

Pre-K Grad May 15, 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Our little man..

Twins Swimsuit 4 7 2006

Twins Swimsuit 4 7 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

They caught this pic just as they both were jumping out of the boat, they refused to do the surfboard!

Easter All Three 4/7/2006

Easter All Three 4/7/2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

I forgot to post this and some other pix, don't forget to click on any photo and view the whole photo gallery, there are lots more pix!
(Alexa's hair was so pretty before they got running around and playing before this picture got taken!)

A good start..

I am sitting here listening to the twins while they supposedly take their nap.. haha. I just registered my web site & domain name for Citizens Against Road Rage, it is www.citizensagainstroadrage.com (under construction, but on it's way.)

I am hoping to register the trademark C.A.R.R. too. It feels good to be doing this, to get it all started. To make Kierra's death mean something more than just another news story. Of course it means something to all of us, but I want something good to come from it, I want to make a difference. So here goes.....

Double the trouble, Double the fun..

Double the trouble, Double the fun..
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Alexa Fashion Diva

Alexa Fashion Diva
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Notice the onesie over the shorts, our attempt to keep her diaper on!
The hat is one she wouldn't wear during the winter and won't take off now that she found it in a box I was going through!

Kierra and Alexa May 2005

I hunted all over for the original to this picture. I found a copy I had given to Kierra in the Twin's toybox when we packed her apt. It was crumpled and scratched. I had to get it restored.

I am amazed at the beauty of such a simple moment caught in time..

Kierra and Alexa May 2005
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

My "all knowing" son..

How is it that Hunter is so "knowing"? I didn't make it into the hot tub last night.. Hunter woke up and was in the mood to talk.. He asked about when he was a baby, and if he did the things the twins are doing now. He asked alot about when Kierra, Brianne, & Chad were babies too. He asked me how did I know I wanted to be a Mom? And did it take a long time for me to learn how to be good at it, like him learning to ride his bike? I told him yes, it took my whole life, and I am still learning! He asked me if I knew Brian when he was little, I explained I didn't know him until we were both older. He couldn't believe I was Chad's age when we met and got married. So of course he was wondering why Chad didn't even have a girlfriend, and when would Chad grow up? He asked about all my brothers and sisters, and informed me that was way too many kids! I told him it was only one more than Kie, Bri, Chad, Him, & the twins. He gave me his raised eyebrow look and made it very clear..." then your Mom wins.. we aren't having any more kids in this house!"

I told him I agreed.. and we fell asleep on the couch together.. it did me much more good than the hot tub!

Garage Gremlins..

It is still Wednesday for me, I haven't gone to bed yet.. I spent 5 hours cleaning and organizing the garage.. again! I am convinced that we have little garage gremlins. They come in when we aren't looking and mess things up. Greg & Lisa spent an entire day helping us totally clear out the garage and put in shelves, etc. I have been out there a number of times since then, yet every time there seems to be a bigger mess, and I find more things I need to sort through. I told Brian to take a good long look, it wouldn't stay clean long! He took a few hours off work tonight so I made the most of it and let him handle the kids while I tackled the garage. (I did take a break to let him know how to put them to bed), I finished about 12:30 am. I have a couple boxes and bins of clothes to go through, but I may leave it til tomorrow. I hear the hot tub calling my name! (Which Brian worked very hard on emptying it out and cleaning it the past couple days.. Thanks honey!)

Life does move on..

The past couple weeks have been crazy! Hunter "graduated" from Pre-K, so his school days are over until fall. His last week of preschool Chad got a job..he heard about it Monday, went to talk to them, and started the next morning! Needless to say, it has been hectic for me. He was my other set of arms! He watched them when I just needed to run Hunter to school or go to the store, or the Dr, or the chiropractor, or when I just needed a moment to regain my sanity!

Where he works is right at the front of our subdivision, so he can walk there. He is profiling computer games! Mon-Fri.. 11am - about 7:30 or 8:00, depending on how much he has to do. He pretty much got to pick his hours. I am happy for him, it is right up his alley, and gives him a life outside of his room! Of course, it is another room, doing the same thing, but there are other people there!

Hunter had his cast removed, his "bumps" treated, and is already bored with no school. The twins love having him home and we are trying to set a routine together. Alexa is still houdini with her diaper. If I put a onesie on her that she can't get out of, she undoes the tabs on the diaper, then pulls it out of the leghole of the onesie..so now I put training pants over the diaper, under the onesie, so far so good! Tristan & Alexa are both too tall for their lightweight sleeper pajamas, so I had to go get size 3.. they seem so long, but I am sure they will out grow into them! The size 2 were too tight in length to put on Alexa backwards (you have to turn the feet around). Backwards because otherwise she unzips them and takes them and her diaper off.. we find her sleeping naked in a wet bed!

I have been cleaning out our storage unit. Brenda helped me go through some of Kierra's clothes yesterday. It is strange how we attach memories to things. There were things both Brenda & I could remember the day it was bought, or an occasion she wore something, which ones were her favorites, and which things we knew did not fit over her butt! I had already set some things aside when we cleaned out the apartment, but did not have the time or emotional energy to go through it all then.

But life does move on.. it is amazing the things the twins have outgrown and how much they have changed in the past 6 months. Andrea at Applebee's is no longer working there. We try to go there when we can with the kids, everyone is so supportive and it feels like home. Andrea had car washes planned and always kept me up with what was going on. It will seem strange with out her there. There are graduations & weddings, birthdays and celebrations. Some of Kierra's friends have faded away a bit, and others have major changes going on as well. Brenda cut her hair short! Which is adorable, but a major change for her.. and us.. I have never seen her with short hair in all the years I have known her. It is so cute I want to get mine cut, but everyone tells me NO!

I sometimes think I want to freeze time and stop all the changes. I do not trust my memory or my ability to handle what may come tomorrow. But then I think I can not bear this day without her, maybe tomorrow will be easier.. so I take a deep breath and another step forward because I don't know what else to do.

"It's just emotion that's taken me over..

"tied up in sorrow, lost in my soul.." The rest of the song doesn't apply, but those few words sure do! I seem to get sad, angry, frustrated.. all at the drop of a hat. Some of it has been founded. Those "little things" to others can be something really important to me. But then I get emotional and I can't control it.

I try to be honest and tell people how I feel. I don't want everything written off because of "grief" either. I am more sensitive of course. But I have always been a bitch, and that part of me still remains. Those who know me, know that isn't new! Though the flip side of that is.. I may be bitchy, but don't ignore what I am bitching about!

I try to think if I was any happier with life before Kierra was killed, or was I miserable then too, just on a different level? Her death has changed everything, but aren't I the same person at the core? Or is who we are directly connected to those we love, and when you lose a part of yourself, it all unravels a little and can't be put back together quite the same way? hmmm.. I don't have the emotional energy to answer that. I am not sure if I even know. This sounds pretty depressing doesn't it?? The good moments are so intertwined with the bad, it is hard to differentiate. I try, and I do have good times and I am not always a wreck. Honest.. really.. I swear..

Four Kids Aug22,2004

Four Kids Aug22,2004
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Family Aug 22, 2004

Family Aug22, 2004
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

I am so glad we had these done..it is the last time we all had our pictures done together.

Mother & Daughter Banquet 2005

Mother & Daughter Banquet 2005
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

This will always be one of my favorite pictures.. I try to hold onto the smiles and the laughter..

The weight of it all..

I kept busy all day today (actually Saturday!) My mind couldn't release that it was the 13th.. 6 months since Kierra was killed.. but I kept my body busy. Brianne had Hunter over night Friday, and after getting up at 4 am.. the twins slept in, so I got to too! We all got dressed up and went to the Mother & Child Banquet at Brianne's church.. we go every year. It was nice. Of course there was a woman at our table who said it was so sad to see the twins there without Kierra.. and couldn't help commenting that they could pass for my own children there was such a similarity and no one would have to know they weren't mine. I know she meant well. Most people do when they open their mouths and insert their feet..

Brianne & I moved some furniture out of storage and to a friend's house. We really can't afford to keep everything in storage much longer and I would rather someone get some use out of it all. Brianne is my little amazon.. she is stronger and much more of a help to me than Chad or Brian when it comes to moving things or getting things done! We make a pretty good team! Then she took the twins & Hunter to an event at the Zoo sponsored by her job at the hospital. She is keeping them overnight for church tomorrow and will bring them home in the evening. That was her Mother's Day gift to me.. it was so quiet I fell asleep on the couch! I woke up thinking I needed to check on the kids.. then realized they weren't here!

So I got up and went to bed. I layed down and thought I would just go back to sleep.. and then had the strangest sensation.. like someone layed a large sack of potatoes on top of me.. my head felt heavy.. my chest felt heavy, then my stomach and my legs. It was smothering.. I had to get up. All I could think of was.. the weight of it all was too much. The 13th, mother's day, court on Monday (another pre-trial), Kierra's birthday coming soon, is just too much. My mind flashing pictures of Kierra when she was born, when she was little, when she was a teenager, when she was pregnant, at Bri's wedding, with the babies, and the images my mind creates of her death.. it is all too much.. and there are truly times.. the weight of it all.. is smothering me and it is just too much..

Kie & babies

Kie & babies
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Kierra with Alexa & Tristan Feb. 4, 2004

Mommy & Kierra June 9 1981

Mommy & Kierra June 9 1981
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

My first born, my first everything...she gave me the gift of motherhood, and grandmotherhood, and so much more...now I will have my first Mother's day without her...

Hunter long cast

Hunter long cast
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Hunter day three of broken arm!

Hunter short cast

Hunter short cast
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Day one of broken arm..

All is good..

Okay, I have been razzed for not "writing" much lately and for using atricles, e-mails, etc. to fill space... Guilty as charged! I have been busy, out of town, then sick.. not really excuses, just how it is..

Hunter is registered for Kindergarten.. he is going to J. Allen Axson, a Montessori school, we are very happy he got in. He goes to all his Doctors tomorrow.. A dermatologist for 2 small growths in his groin area.. had to wait for a referral.. may just be some type of wart.. started with one, then got a 2nd one and they are getting larger. Then in the afternoon, he goes to the ortho Dr. to check his arm, hopefully get his cast off, and see what tests they want to do to check what is going on with his bones. His Pre-K graduation is May 18th. Hard to believe he starts school the beginning of August! His Pre-K cap & gown pix should be back by graduation. I will post them when I get them.

Alexa is our resident Nudist. I thought it was because she didn't like her diaper wet or dirty.. now it is just because she wants to be naked! She is Houdini.. and gets her brother to unzip her PJs when I put them on her backwards. I now have to come up with new ideas to keep her clothed.. it wouldn't be such a big deal, but miss Nudie pees wherever she is standing (or sitting!)when she doesn't have a diaper on..

Tristan is our resident Demolition expert.. he can break anything he can get his hands on.. kicked the wall to knock down their CD player and managed to rip the door off of it while they were taking a nap yesterday.. (it was up on a high shelf in their room.. he knows if he kicks the wall, it vibrates and knocks things down.).. has gotten into the curio cabinet unnoticed (how??) and broke one of Brian's police memorial things. We aren't even sure when that happened! He can climb up and over the couch with a single bound.. has ripped the security system wiring from around their window.. (it goes almost down to the floor.. they stand on the window sill and look out.) He was so proud he showed it to me when I was coming home yesterday and they were supposed to be taking a nap. I couldn't get the wiring off without a chisel when I have removed it from other windows!

Then we have mornings like today.. Hunter was at school and it was just the twins & I.. we were on the living room floor and they tried to tickle me.. so I tickled them back, and they were all laughs and giggles, hugs & kisses. Alexa laughed out loud like her mother and I had to hold back tears for a minute, she looks so much like her, and her mannerisms are so familiar to me. Tristan does the "Becky Look" like Kierra did, where he tilts his head down then looks out of the top of his eyes. Usually when he is into mischief or in trouble.. just like his mother!

So all is good.. as good as it can be...

An e-mail worth sharing..

Subject: Happy Mothers Day

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers
in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and
cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's okay honey, Mommy's here"
Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying
babies who can't be comforted. This is for all the mothers who show up
at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses
and diapers in their purse.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew
Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.
This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see.
And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.
This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are
hanging on their refrigerator doors.

And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers
at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of
their cars, so that when their kids asked, "Did you see me, Mom?" they could
say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the
grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream
for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten

instead, but realize how child abuse happens.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and
explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand) mothers
who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.

This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can
eat. For all the mothers who read "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for
a year. And then read it again. "Just one more time."

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie
their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who
opted for Velcro instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and
their daughters to sink a jump shot.
This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a
little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their
own offspring are at home -- or even away at college.

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with
stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only
to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick
them up. Right away.
This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't
find the words to reach them.
For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when
their 14 year olds dye their hair green.

For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings,
and the mothers of those who did the shooting.
For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in
front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from
school, safely.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be
peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.

What makes a good Mother anyway?
Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby,
cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?

Or is it in her heart? Is it the ache you feel when you watch your
son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for
the very first time?
The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2
A.M. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?

The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when you just
want to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in
your home?

Or the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child
when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?
The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are
for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep
deprivation...

And mature mothers learning to let go.
For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.
Single mothers and married mothers..
Mothers with money, mothers without.
This is for you all. For all of us

Hang in there. In the end we can only do the best we can. Tell
them every day that we love them. And pray.

"Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall."

It is still so fresh..

There have been alot of things lately that bring it all forward again. I can't just tuck it away at the back of my mind. I posted Brian's entry to Kierra's online guestbook from her obituary. He is more eloquent than he thinks..

We went to court this morning with the officer and his wife who's 24 year old daughter, Kristen, was killed on March 12th. As I sat there I thought.. this is so raw for them, so fresh. I thought about next week being Mother's day and also 6 months since Kierra was killed. I think of a baby going from birth to 6 months old.. half a year.. and all the growth that child goes through. So how can it be 6 months since that horrible moment?? How can so much of my world have kept going?

Brian & I held hands in court this morning. I think of how you plan a marriage.. to love each other for better and worse. I never imagined this. That the "worse" would or could be this awful. I couldn't love him more. I am so glad we have turned to each other instead of away.

The Fernandina Shrimp Festival is this weekend. Brian & I both realized it was something we couldn't do yet.. that was a family affair. Everyone's schedule was too crazy to go last year. Maybe we will take the kids next year..

I am going to Atlanta with Greta this weekend. An emotional retreat.. no promises that I will be out of this funk when I get back... it is what it is!

Brian's entry to the Online guestbook for Kie..

To My Grouch,I know I probably should have put an entry here sooner, but words are so hard to find. I've never been as eloquent as your Mom is. I love you and miss you so much. Not a day goes by that you're not in my thoughts. I still can't imagine having to live the rest of my life without your smile, your laugh and hearing you say "I love you daddy!". I wish I could spend just one more hour, just one more day, just one more lifetime with you here. I go to the place where I lost you often, just to think and talk to you. If only you could answer back. I'm trying so hard to hold on to all the memories I have of you so that I can pass them on to Alexa and Tristan. I want them to know what an awesome mother you were. I know that you would have been the Mom that all the other kids were jealous of ("Your mom is so cool! I wish my mom was like yours"" are what I know everyone would have told Alexa and Tristan).I will always love you and miss you so much my baby.Love always,Dad

Top 10 Tips to Curb Road Rage from an AOL article by Edmunds.com

1. Get your Zs. A national epidemic of sleepiness is a contributing factor to road rage, according to the National Sleep Foundation. We all know how cranky we get without enough sleep. It makes us prone to feelings of annoyance, resentment and even anger. Eight hours is still the recommended daily dose of sleep for adults.

2. Plan ahead. Do you regularly whiz through your morning routine in a whirlwind of chaos, trying to make up time while on the road? Do you allow just enough time to drive to an appointment? Then you're probably also more prone to a lead foot and a lost temper. If you add 10 minutes to your expected travel time, you'll have time to stop for gas, safely navigate those snowy roads or detour around road construction. Also, try preparing clothing, briefcases, children's school bags and lunches the night before to minimize your morning rush. Extra time equals calmer driving.

3. Your car is not a therapist. Many of us love and identify with our cars, but sometimes you can take the "car as extension of self" idea too seriously. If your boss or your spouse left you steaming, take care not to use driving as a way to blow off steam. Competitive types (you know who you are) shouldn't try to prove themselves on heavily traveled thoroughfares -- save that enthusiasm for weekend romps on your favorite back roads. No matter how much power you've got under the hood, your vehicle is first and foremost a mode of transportation, not a weapon.

4. Turn down the bass. Without getting into the argument over "aggressive music makes people aggressive," it makes sense that listening to relaxing music -- or even a comedy channel on satellite radio -- will make you less pumped up for action than a driving bass line. Try tuning in to classical or jazz to reduce stress. Or listen to an audiobook. (Here are our Top 10 Audiobooks to get you started.) Either way will also help drown out stressful traffic noise.

5. Loosen up, then breathe: If you notice yourself clenching the steering wheel in a death grip, try flexing your fingers and loosening your hold -- you'll find that you can control the car just as well. If your right foot is cramped, set the cruise control if traffic allows. If you're on a prolonged road trip, try not to exceed three hours of travel time without a break where you get out and stretch. Struggling to see through a dirty windshield is also an unnecessary stress factor, so fill up with washer fluid before you go. Periodically roll down the window and breathe deeply and slowly.

6. It's not about you. Perhaps another driver cut you off. Or the car in front of you is braking erratically. Before you assume the driver is getting off on your rising anger levels, realize that you, as an individual, are not the target. Perhaps the driver simply made a mistake or was just being oblivious. Maybe there's a screaming baby, a loose pet or a crazed bee in the car. Maybe he was on a cell phone. The point is, don't take things so personally.

7. Hostility is toxic. And risky. People most prone to anger are almost three times more likely to have a heart attack than those with low anger, according to the American Psychological Association. Other health risks seen in those who display hostility include obesity, depression and stroke. Wow, who knew? Safe driving promotes healthy hearts!Not only will giving into anger not resolve an irritating situation, it can increase the risk of retaliation. Think to yourself, "Is making my point worth endangering my life?" If all else fails, do a mental 180 and try to laugh it off.

8. Use restaurant etiquette. While it's upsetting when a stranger is rude or cuts in line in a restaurant or store, most folks wouldn't lose their cool and become abusive as a result. It isn't only because they have good manners. Driving a car makes people feel more isolated and protected, allowing them to act in ways they would normally find embarrassing. So when another driver acts like a jerk, respond as though you're in a restaurant. And we don't mean Chuck E. Cheese's.

9. Take the self-test. Classes designed to help curb aggressive driving often have participants tape-record themselves while driving. Hearing themselves swear or rant on tape is enough of a wake-up call for them to recognize and reduce dangerous behavior. So try analyzing your driving. Do any of the following statements sound like you? · I regularly exceed the speed limit in order to get to work on time. · I tailgate other drivers, especially those who sit in the left lane. · I flash my lights and honk my horn to let drivers know when they annoy me. · I verbally abuse other drivers whether they can hear me or not. · I frequently weave in and out of traffic to get ahead. · I feel the need to set bad drivers straight. If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, your driving may qualify as aggressive. The American Institute for Public Safety (AIPS) has a more detailed RoadRageous Test that determines if your driving habits fall under the "aggressive zone," "hostile zone" or -- worse yet -- "war zone."

10. Practice kindness. Dr. Leon James, aka "Dr. Driving" and author of Road Rage and Aggressive Driving, says that remembering simple courtesies, like allowing someone to merge or apologizing when we make a mistake, can go a long way in making the driving experience positive for ourselves and others. His basic motto is the old "do unto others" rule: Treat fellow drivers how you would like to be treated.As additional incentive, reducing your aggressiveness on the road can also keep you out of serious trouble: Several states have created special law enforcement teams to seek out and cite aggressive drivers. Depending on the frequency of offenses, violators may be fined, lose their license temporarily or even face jail time. Often, they are required to take a behavior-modification class as well.We're all bound to lose our cool at some point, but by planning ahead and keeping things in perspective, we can prevent our emotions from getting the best of us. Putting aggressive driving in park will help to ensure your own safety, as well as the safety of everyone around you.