The power of words..

There are some words I just can't stand. "Hate" is one of them. Now I will say I hate okra, or I hate the sound of nails on a chalkboard. But I don't often say I "hate" a person. It is a strong, emotional word for me. I believe to hate someone you need to really know them, even love them, wether it is a relative or a relationship. There is only one person I feel I truly "hate", maybe two. Would you be suprised to know it isn't Ghazi, the man involved in Kierra's death? I don't know him well enough to "hate" him. I despise him, I wish he had never been born, but I can't say I "hate" him. There are stronger emotions than hate for me. I connect hate with disconnecting myself from that person. So I think you have to be connected to disconnect.
What started this for me today was when Cody said " I hate you" to Hunter when they were arguing about a toy. I explained to him that I don't care for that word when directed at someone else. That hate was a strong word for an argument over a toy. Cody & Katie are not allowed to say "butt", yet he says "hate" without hesitation. I hope he thinks twice before using it again, and it made me think about the power of words..

Rained out..or Rained in?

We made plans to go to the zoo yesterday. Katie & Cody are down from Georgia, so I was taking the kids out for some fun & exercise. It rained the minute I got them all in the car! So we went to the MOSH instead (Museum Of Science & History). They have a dinosaur and ice age animal exhibit. Of course every summer camp in town, that had also planned to go to the zoo, decided to go to MOSH too. It was crowded and loud. We saw a movie on a domed ceiling about a cat that takes a trip to the moon, we saw recreations of all kinds of animals, complete with sounds, and we saw items from different periods of time. Alexa & Tristan spent the whole time with the dinosaurs covering their ears. There were alot of interactive things the kids didn't get to do because it was so crowded. And they have some outdoor areas as well that we missed because of the rain. I bought a membership for just a little more than it would have cost for the 6 of us for just one day, so maybe we will go back next week. They are also part of a nationwide network, so the membership is good all over the state and U.S. as well. Our zoo membership is like that too. Just a couple ways I am trying to keep them busy and myself sane for the summer!

I Feel Like the Rain..

IT RAINED TODAY It rolled in on cottony clouds gone gray with churning overflowing onto the earth where dry dirt lay yearning droplets poured down window panes like thousands of tear drops falling as thunder hammered overhead demanding answers to it's calling just as quickly as it came it halted it's descent sun streaking across it's path steam telling where it went how deceptive the sun seems now after torrents of rain were here just moments before the sun shone down and dried away the tears..

Kierra's babies on her birthday

June 9 2007
Originally uploaded by mommanana

How I wish I could breathe in their joy & zest for life.

Pirate Hunter 06 08 07

Pirate Hunter 06 08 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana

I know you care..

I appreciate everyone caring about me and worrying about me. I can't say getting through Kierra's birthday will be easy, but I will get through it. I don't need to be "rescued" or "watched/ babysat". Yes, I am depressed, but I am not suicidal. I appreciate those who want to try to comfort me, but usually that means sharing your grief and I feel like I have to make you feel better, which I just don't have the energy for today. Any other day I can handle almost anything, but this is not "any other day". So.. know I appreciate how much you all care.. just knowing that you are there helps me. I will not take off for parts unknown, I will not do anything stupid. I will most likely stay home and have a quiet day with my family. I will blog if the mood strikes me, and I will be back in touch with you all on Sunday.

Connected..

The past few months I have been avoiding going to Kierra's crash site. I put up a memorial sign and birthday balloons last night (tonight.. haven't gone to bed). I can't talk to her there anymore. I don't feel connected to her there or maybe I don't want to feel connected to her there. I feel connected to her when I hold her children, or I hold her "Bunky". I feel devastated and so angry there, and I don't want to feel that way when I think of her. I lost her there, and I wasn't there when she needed me.. I don't want to be there now.

Hunter has become a pirate!

Hunter has been at "Auntie Terri's" all week going to Pirate Camp. It has been wierd not having him home. He says Camp is awesome and he has been having a blast. He climbed the St. Augustine light house, discovered pieces of "8", met pirates, and is becoming quite the buccaneer! He will come home Sunday.. I miss him!

Lost again!

The other night the twins were very rambuncious and not in the mood to settle down. So I decided we would take a walk around the block. It was about 8:15 when we started out. I thought it was just like any other neighborhood. It was about 20 minutes later when I realized we seemed to be going around the lake, not the block. I called the house and had Chad flip the back porch light on & off so I could get my bearings. There are very few street lights, so other than some house lights it was pretty dark. I saw the light go off & on... accross the lake from where we were! It turns out "the block" is a very loooong block.. about 1.1 miles! Tristan & Alexa did well and walked the whole way. They went straight to bed and went right to sleep when we got back! At 3 year old speed it took us about 45 minutes. So even in my own neighborhood, I got lost walking around the block!

Long nights..

I had a dream the other morning. Not so unusual to have a dream, but it was unusual the way it intertwined with reality, and picked back up again when I went back to sleep.

I didn’t go to bed until 4:48 am. The dream was actually a memory. A summer trip to Florida when Chad was 10 months old, Brianne was almost 3, and Kierra had just turned 6. I had taken them to the beach. Kierra was splashing in the surf while Brianne sat on the edge of the water and giggled every time it washed over her legs. Chad sat in the sand grabbing handfuls of it and throwing it in the air. The sun was warm and bright. I thought I heard a child calling me, and when I look down the beach it is empty except for 3 small shapes in the distance. I can hear the faint call of a child. I look at my 3 children around me as they laugh and play. For a moment the sun shines so bright I am blinded and when I look again my children look farther away than they were, and the 3 small shapes in the distance seem closer. They are still calling to me, more urgently now.

Tristan woke me up at 5:23 am. I put him back to bed. I go back to bed and the dream continues.

I try to move closer to Kierra, Brianne, & Chad, but the sand keeps slipping from under me. I call to them, but they don’t seem to hear me as they keep playing. I look down the beach again and see the other children coming closer. They are reaching out to me. I am torn. I don’t want to move forward, but I am unable to go back. The new faces before me look familiar. I see familiar eyes looking back at me. The sun flashes again and I know who they are, I know where I am, and as I look back I know the children who were playing there a moment ago will be gone.

Tristan woke me up again at 5:49 am. He wanted a drink. I got him some water and tucked him back in. I went back to bed. The dream came right back.

The beach is empty except for Hunter, Tristan, Alexa, & I. We keep walking up and down the beach. I am looking and waiting for my other children to come back. It is starting to get dark, and then it starts to get cold. I can’t wait any longer. We had to leave.

Brian woke me up about 6:15-6:30. I was not just physically wiped out, the emotion of the dream woke up with me. I do not always remember my dreams, and I don’t often keep dreaming the same dream when I wake up then go back to sleep. I know this dream is full of symbolism, and I know part of the reason for the dream is that Kierra’s birthday is coming soon. It will be a long week, and I think the nights will be even longer…

Paying for my impatience!

The other day I went to the plaza near our house to pick up pizza for the kids. It wasn't ready yet, so I thought I would look around the plaza. I had been wearing a headband on my hair for a few days and most of you know that means it is time for a haircut. Rather than wait and go to one of the 2 guys I trust to cut my hair, I decided what the heck and went into a "Great Clips" to get it cut. I pointed to a photo on the wall and said that is about what I want.. layer and shape the top, leave some of the length. It is butchered! First off it was not even on both sides and so it had to go even shorter to try to even it out. The left side is choppy, and it is VERY short. I can't recall it ever being this short. I have gotten the sides short before, but usually try to leave length on the top when I do. Mousse won't even help because there isn't enough hair for it to do anything. So I am paying for my impatience with horrible hair! Good thing it will grow out.. eventually!

Of course I am different, changed..

I have been told that I have changed, that I am different. How does someone go through something so major, so tragic and not change? And how have I changed, specifically? I feel different, but can't pin point the exact changes. Raising the twins has changed my life, but how has it changed me? I am busier, I am less organized, but I am still me. I don't always feel like I know myself anymore. I don't know who I am supposed to be, or how to live this life. I have tried to keep the relationships I had before. I feel like some people have distanced themselves, or is it me who has pulled away? I have been bothered by some people thinking Kierra's death gave them a clean slate, as if transgressions were forgotten, or forgiven because she died. I am not, nor have I been, a forgiving person. If I was mad at you before, chances are, I am still mad at you. I have never been a patient person. I am still not a patient person. I love who I love and care deeply for those I care deeply for. If my changes are hard for people to accept, trust me, my life is hard to accept every moment of every day.

Coincidence or Communication?

I am a yo-yo. Now quit laughing... what I mean by that is.. I keep bouncing back and forth on what I believe. Hunter will ask me if things are real.. Santa, God, heaven.. I tell him some people believe in them and some people don't. I tell him if he believes in it, then for him it is real. There are times I believe that certain things are "signs" from Kierra, or others who have died. Then there are times I am not so sure. Are songs on the radio just songs on the radio? The day Kierra died Mada's song came on several times.. I would change the station, and it would come on that station, so I changed it again, and the song came on again. Lisa and I even talked about it when it happened. Coincidence, or Communication?
I sometimes think I "feel" Kierra with me. Is it real, or wishful thinking? We have had baby dragonflies at the new house, I have never seen babies before. It made me think of her. But then again, alot of things make me think of her. The wind blew through the trees this morning while I was riding my horse through the woods. It made me cry. Just for a second it sounded like a whisper, I closed my eyes and her face was so clear in my mind. She smiled and I could almost feel her cheek against mine. It was so sudden and unexpected it caught me by suprise. Is my grief so strong that my mind plays tricks on me? Or do I believe she was really there, in that moment? These questions don't really require answers. They are just the rambling of my thoughts. Is my need to believe so strong that my mind provides those moments to convince me? It is better to believe the uncertain, than to accept the certainty that she is gone, will never again be with me, and there is nothing more to it than that.
I am not sure of anything. I do not know what my mind is going to do at any given time. That uncertainty, that loss of control is not a comfortable feeling. There have been times before Kierra's death that I was sure I had signs from people I loved who had died. So why am I not so sure now? I think I am so eager to regain some type of normalcy, some type of control that I need "real", I need certainty. But I want that possibility, I want those moments. Yet I want to know I haven't lost my mind, that I haven't let my grief take over. How do I know the difference?

Slow but sure..

I spent the better part of yesterday (Wednesday) at the Beckley house getting things organized, packed, and out of Sam's way. It is a good feeling to be making headway at last. I have had to do it in bits & pieces and usually by myself. Sam is great motivation for me. It is amazing how much stuff was/is still there. If we have lived without it for this long, do we really need it? Most of it belongs to Brian & I. I noticed when we moved into the rental, then into the new house, that I worried more about the kid's things and the basic necessities. It didn't seem like much, but now that it is in boxes and I have to figure out where to put it.. it is alot! And there is still about 50% of the garage to move, including kayaks. I do see light at the end of the tunnel, which is a good thing.
I spent quite a while scraping wallpaper border from Hunter's room. I thought about all the different colors and themes that room has been Brianne had butterflies at one point, and Tinkerbell before she moved to her own place. Kierra had pixie dust and faeries. It was a victorian guest room for a short time, and ended with Hunter's hot wheels. I scraped while Sam patched and prepped for painting, erasing our imprint.
I will carry my memories as long as my mind will let me, yet it still felt odd to watch what has been our home for almost seven years become a generic shell for someone else to mold and change. I liked the house well enough, but I never felt it would be a forever home for us. Our new house felt more like it was ours the moment I saw it than the Beckley house ever did. It seemed like it was always a transition house for us. Alot like all the military moves we did and all the different places we lived.
I am hoping to never move again. They will have to push me out in a wheelchair or gurney to get me out of here!

Sam I Am...in love!

I am in love with a man named Sam! He is a handyman in our old neighborhood. He did some carpentry work for us before and I forgot he does 101 other things too. I met him at the old house today to do some small repairs and discovered he is my hero. He can do all the things we need done to get the house "market ready," and his prices are really reasonable. So I can breathe a little easier, can trust him to do a good job, and I don't have to run back and forth to meet work men who don't show up! I gave him a key and did a happy dance! We still have some things to move out of it, but this was a huge burden lifted from me. Now you see why I am in love?! (For those of you who don't know Sam.. he is tall, very thin, & 70-ish or older, no worries Brian!)

Weeds..

Brian & I spent the better part of Monday doing much needed yard work at the new house. Compared to what we used to have, we have a huge yard! It was alot of hard work, but since this was the first time we have really done it since we moved in, it should be easier next time. The reward is the beautiful yard we can now enjoy.
While I was weeding I got to thinking about "weeds". Some are deceptively pretty, then they spread and crowd out the plants you wanted there. Others are not so attractive, and some are downright prickly and nasty. Just when I thought I had them all, I found a few more tucked behind a bush or mixed in with my other plants. I was very careful to try and get the whole weed, including the roots, so they won't come back. I was sore and tired when it was done, but looked around me and enjoyed the fruits of my labor.
There are times my mind feels like it is full of "weeds". I try to get rid of the negative thoughts, and the destructive things that tend to grow and spread. I try to keep the depression from crowding out the good things going on in there. From time to time I will realize I did not get all the roots out and something grew back when I wasn't looking. Other times I find something tucked away, hidden with other thoughts. Like my yard, my mind needs frequent tending, a little extra nurturing now and then, and more patience and persistence then I think I have the energy for. Always a work in progress. There are times my mind becomes neglected and overgrown, the job seems too great to get it weeded out. It takes longer than I planned to get the job done. It leaves me sore and tired. Then there are times I can sit back for a moment and enjoy the fruits of my labor, open my mind and see more flowers than weeds. And for that moment all is beautiful and good.

Family Dynamics..

Bless Diane for all the emotions she went through this weekend. I won't go into detail, but it is very similar to any major function or event where family & friends make an extra effort to be part of the celebration. You can't please everyone all the time. I remember Brianne's graduation and her wedding. It can be crazy. Mike & Diane had everyone staying at their house which as sweet and generous as that was, made it all the crazier for her. She juggled everyone & everything well, even her ex-husband.. she is a better woman than me!
No matter what our age we are still driven by our family dynamics. No matter how many years have passed we can still let our buttons be pushed and let ourselves fall into old emotional habits. Then there are the dynamics we marry into. Oh Boy!
It was nice to be there as a bystander and help pull her back from the edge when needed. I wish I had more time with all of them just to enjoy them. We say we will make time, yet time slips away from us too fast. I hope they have settled back into their lives and get a chance to enjoy each other this summer before Justine is off to college and the family dynamics change again!

A midnight run..

Diane, her youngest daughter Vicki, & I picked up Justine (the graduate) from her job at about 11-ish Saturday night. We needed a couple things so we decided to make a midnight run to Walmart, the only place open at midnight! Right off the bat Diane starts things off.. as we are walking in she says.. avoid eye contact with the greeter guy and see if we can get by without him being able to "greet" us. Honestly he wasn't paying much attention so it wasn't too difficult. He was probably a very nice guy, but did look a bit creepy and very sweaty, so we dodged him and giggled our way into produce. Diane about wet her pants! Her girls were giving us a hard time about being loud, so we reminded them it was Walmart in the middle of the night, who cares! So Justine asked if that meant she could skip down the aisle if she wanted to and we said sure.. so off she went.. her sister caught it on video.. it was too cute. We got what we needed and Diane makes a point of saying Goodbye to the greeter guy. I gave her a hard time about being too good to say hello, but it was okay to say goodbye.. she was really going to confuse the guy! It wasn't so much about the dodging or the skipping, it was about letting loose and having some fun to break up all the craziness that goes along with big events & family functions, not to mention a house packed with people. It was good to share some laughter.

Where's the beef?

I have to back track to a very funny memory of Kierra when we lived in Wyoming. She was about 2-3 years old. Brian & I took her to dinner with us to a nice restaurant, Richard's. She wanted a hamburger with lots of pickles. When the food came she opened the burger to get her pickles and at the top of her lungs yelled.. "Where's the beef?!" Her burger was missing the burger! It was around the same time as the commercials with the old lady yelling the same thing. It had everyone in the room laughing. Good memory..
The beef in Nebraska (actually may be over the state line in Idaho according to Mike's sister) is at a place called the Pink Poodle. Hunter & I got in at about 1 pm (1 hour behind our normal time clock) on Saturday. That night we all went to this restaurant for what was supposed to be the best prime rib ever. It was! It was sooo good.. and sooo huge! I couldn't eat it all and I am a well known carnivore. I cooked some of everyone's leftovers up the next morning with onions and mushrooms to go with the frittata I fixed for breakfast.
It was so good to see Mike, Diane, & the kids again. The kids have grown up so much. They were so good with Hunter and he really enjoyed all the attention. Mike was stationed in England when we were there. He was single back then and everyone tried setting him up and marrying him off. I am glad he resisted and waited for Diane. They are a perfect match and make an awesome family. It is beautiful country out there as well. Even when it was 86 degrees there was a nice breeze and low humidity. We had great weather the whole weekend.
More stories to tell later!

Hunter on the plane 5-19-07

Hunter on the plane 5-19-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Hunter & I went to Nebraska to visit with friends and celebrate their daughter's graduation. Hunter flew a couple times as a baby, but this is the first time he was old enough to remember and understand it. He did great! More info about the trip on the next few blogs!

Happy 1st Birthday Tortuga!

Tortuga May 13, 2007
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

She just turned a year old yesterday (today is still Wed. for me, haven't been to bed yet!) the 22nd.

The Monkey 5-06-07

The Monkey 5-06-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

He was drying off the pirate ship after a rain shower.

Poncho & hat made by Great Gramma B

Poncho made by Great Gramma B
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

The Kids 5-14-07

The Kids 5-14-07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

A bit fuzzy, but too cute not to show off! They were all playing on the stairs, (the bottom only has 3 steps).

Words & Wishes...

Okay, so I tried to "skip" yesterday. And guess what? It didn't work. I could not escape that it was a Sunday, the 13th of the month.. AND Mother's Day. As much as I tried to make it just another day, it refused to be. Hunter started things off on Saturday night at dinner when he asked me if Mother's day counts when one of your children dies? I told him it counts whenever, and however, someone becomes a Mom. He asked me if Kierra got to celebrate Mother's Day in Heaven? I told him I didn't know, but it would be nice to think she did. I got a little teary, and one of the ranch hands noticed and asked if I was allergic to the smoke in the air.. before I could answer, Hunter told her "No, my Mom just gets sad when we talk about my sister who died." He then told me to close my eyes and feel my heartbeat, she was right there, and that would make me happy again. I told him he was so strong and so smart, I was a very lucky Mom to have him for a son.
Just about then another woman came by and asked him if he was celebrating Mother's day with me. He said No, I am not a Mom, and I am trying to make my Forever Mom happy right now. She looked puzzled and said Forever Mom? He then went into a full speech about how he had a birth Mom who carried him in her tummy, then he went home from the hospital with his Nana & Pop-Pop which kind of made Nana his mom til he came to live with me and I loved him and became his Forever Mom, cause his Dad & me adopted him. Now he has lots of brothers & sisters who are more than his brothers and sisters except for one sister who died, which is why he was trying to make his Mom happy! I bet she was sorry she asked. His words blew me away. She asked him how he knew all that and he told her, my mom who is right here told me, she tells me the truth because she says you shouldn't lie. So I ask her things and she tells me. She told him he was very special and thanked him for sharing with her. He told her you are welcome, Happy Mother's Day tomorrow... if you have any kids or not!
Sunday morning everyone kept hugging me and telling me Happy Mother's Day. It drove me crazy. It was all I could do not to break down in tears. I tried to stonewall myself, think of something else.. I had no control. Hunter wasn't too keen on riding and I just wanted to get out of there, so we headed home thinking we might stop at Wild Adventures in Valdosta, only to find out the interstates (I-75 & I-10) were being closed on & off. So we took our time going the long way home and got in about 6 pm.
I did think of all my children yesterday and how lucky I am. I did think of the day each one of them were born, as well as the day Tristan & Alexa were born. It all replayed like a movie in my mind through out the day. I just can't stop the pain that clings so closely to the joy of it all. The pain of her death, the pain of knowing despite all my memories of being her Mother, her babies have little to no memory of her. How easy for others to say, don't think of it like that, try not to dwell on the negative. As if I can flip a switch and control it so easily. There are no words to describe the twists and turns of my emotions. No words to describe how out of control it makes me feel. No words that will ever bring her back to me, or to her children. So yes, I wish I could have just "skipped" yesterday, and so many other days..
But I couldn't, I can't, so I don't..... but that doesn't stop me from wishing....

Disconnected..

In this age of cell phones it is quite a common occurence to get "disconnected." I was talking to my sister, Cricket, on the cell phone last night. First my phone battery died, then I hit a dead spot and it dropped the call. Lastly, I hit a no signal zone in the middle of nowhere near the ranch.
It isn't just because of cell phones. I have been "disconnected" from various friends and some family members at times because of differences of opinion, or outright fights. Then there are the ones that get dropped for no apparent reason. We just lose touch, then get to the point where there is "no signal" anymore. I try to keep my friends within reach, even the ones who live far away. I can't say my family has always been close..the Brady Bunch we are not. I have been at odds with different ones from time to time. Most of the time the fences get mended. The ties may not be as strong as they once were, but things smooth over. A few are beyond repair and that's just the way it is and most likely will always be. I have my reasons and they are my own.
There were lots of times Kierra and I would butt heads. We both hated to think we were too much alike. We both held our ground and defended what we thought was right. Even if it meant disconnecting for awhile. I am glad we were not at odds when she died. This is painful enough without more guilt.
Something I find I share with my siblings, as well as something I have passed on to my children is being stubborn. Which can make the "disconnections" more lengthy and more difficult to reconnect. I know it is a flaw, and trust me, I pay the price for it often. But as stubborn as it can make me in a negative way, it also makes me fiercely loyal and stubborn about the people I love and care about too. So as often as I may get disconnected from the ones I love, I will keep trying to get through, I will keep trying to "reconnect"...

Love Bugs

They are everywhere at our new house. They obviously love each other, but does anyone else really love them? They stick to each other and everything else! They are smashed all over the front of our cars, sticking to the windows and doors of the house. Dying and lying all over our back patio and front walkway. I can't remember them being so abundant since I was a child. The kids don't like them and won't play outside if they see them on the slide or playhouse. Alexa is our big announcer if they land on the sliding glass doors. She runs around yelling "bug-bugs!, come here, look!" Tristan says "ewwww, yucky!". Hunter trys to tell them that love bugs are good, they don't bite, and won't hurt them. It doesn't seem to convince them. Because moments later you can hear Alexa's yell.. "Bug-bugs!"

The Surreal Life..

SURREAL 1 : marked by the intense irrational reality of a dream; also : UNBELIEVABLE, FANTASTIC .

That's how I feel alot lately, like my life is surreal. I do my best to keep up, going through the motions the best I can, but sometimes it all just gets away from me. I walk into this house and think.. wow, how did I get here? How can this really be ours? I am working on cleaning out the Beckley house and I do the same thing there. Is this where we lived? How did we get here? Are all those memories real? It seems like a whirlwind sometimes.

Mother's day is coming up and I know I am blessed and should not dread the day, but I am. I wish the loss of one didn't seem to overshadow the lives of the others. It doesn't always, but it is for that day. I can't keep it from feeling that way. All the rational thought in the world doesn't make it so. So I am taking Hunter up to the horse ranch for the weekend. Some one on one and a change of scenery. Just what the Dr. ordered. Not really, but I tend to be my own doc anyway, so as usual, I will override him!

Ok, I ate all my Lima beans....

I tend to let my frustrations and expectations run high. I tend to put more stock in others than I actually ever see. So I bring it on my self when I am disappointed. I could say someday I'll learn, but I know better. Brian says I need to learn more patience. That may be true, but again, the odds are stacked against it. I am the old dog who can't be taught new tricks! At least in some instances. At least I can end my day with a clean kitchen and knowing I got alot done today. Whoopee!
It's like eating all the yucky things on your plate so you can have dessert, and then finding out it's all gone!

Promises..

Today I spent the morning cleaning the new house, then trying to do some cleaning and organizing at the Beckley house. It is slow going! Brianne took the kids overnight last night and to church today. Then when we all got back to the house this afternoon I tried to take Brianne, Justin, Chad & Hunter to the Imax theater to see Spiderman 3. They had presold all their tickets for the weekend, so it was soldout. Instead they all went to see it at the Avenues. Brian, Tristan, Alexa & I all stayed home. Brian worked on his stereo equipment, I cleaned out closets and sorted/ put away clothes. Tristan & Alexa were supposed to take a nap.. that never happened. So they played outside til the rain sent them in, then they danced to the music on the stereo and we danced with them. It was fun. Brian and I agreed Tristan has a lot of Kierra's facial expressions. I thought how glad I am I can still remember what she looked like and what her expressions were. Tristan seems to have them more so than Alexa because he has the same color eyes as Kierra. There were a few teary moments too, but we kept them to ourselves.
Alex recently sent a box to the twins with stuffed camels and a letter. The letter was full of dreams and promises. I have to remember where he is and what he is doing in Iraq. I have to remember he may very well have the best of intentions. I have to remember he is there and we are here, just as we have always been here. We had dreams and promises to keep with Kierra too, and we are here and she is not. I have to remember yesterday, last week, last year... today... and all I can do is hope for tomorrow.

Alexa 4 5 07

Alexa 4 5 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Isn't she lovely!?

Lexie & Bri 4 5 07

Lexie & Bri 4 5 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Today we went to the Mother & Daughter Banquet at Brianne's church. It was hard and there were a couple tearful times, but all in all it was a good day. I don't get enough time with Bri, so I enjoyed spending the afternoon with her. We took part in a silent auction and I ended up going home with 4 of the baskets and Bri took home one! At least it was for a good cause.
When I was getting Alexa dressed I realized how tall she has gotten. Most of her dresses are too short. So on the way there she & I stopped off at Kohl's and found some beautiful dresses on clearance. They grow too fast!

Have I altered the universe?

No, just some artwork I have. The first piece I have had quite awhile. I had a frame custom made for it to look like a window, complete with window box for matching flowers. It is a beautiful piece. The other piece is from the same artist, it has been unframed since I got it a couple years ago. I wasn't sure which one would go in my bedroom, and which one would go in the living room. I found a great frame on clearance, so I took out the picture and reframed my art. Then I decided I liked both pieces in my bedroom, so I found another frame on clearance. To reframe them I had to cut both pieces down. Brian wasn't too happy with that. Did I ruin the value of the artwork? Yes, I most likely did. But I didn't buy them to resell them. I bought them, actually Brian bought them for me on cruises we took, because I liked them. And they look awesome in their new frames. My bedroom was one of my favorite decorated rooms in the new house. Now it is #1. I found a huge piece of metal art for the living room and it looks really good. Brian isn't keen on the artwork being "hidden" in our room. So if you come over I will have to show you my bedroom so I can tell him they aren't hidden away! I am getting it all done bit by bit. My antique mantel looks fantastic. I used some of the large 20 inch pieces of tile we had leftover from the tilework that was done, created a faux hearth, mounted the mantle to the wall, found a great fire screen for it, and presto.. check the photo gallery for updated pix.

Hunter mohawk 4 30 07

Hunter mohawk 4 30 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

We just did this for fun, he was having his head buzz cut like Chad's. He had the mohawk cut off a couple days later. He kept telling everyone who was suprised.. it's just for fun, and it's just hair!

Tristan 4 30 07 halfway thru haircut

Tristan 4 30 07 halfway thru haircut
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Click on picture to see before and after pix. His curls were getting way out of control, so it was time for a haircut! I do miss the curls tho..

Alot, not alot?

Does it make sense that I have alot going on, but not alot is going on? I have been trying to adjust my lifestyle and not overdo. That in itself is exhausting! Just one more thing that isn't making sense! My right arm is giving me fits. Part of it is the ligament, the other part is throbbing pain in my upper arm, which my doc says is pinching from my neck problem. He is suprised I am not having other nerve/pain issues.
I am trying to slowly but surely get the Beckley house organized and emptied. I am hoping to have that done by the first of the week. The kids are jumping right into summer mode and I haven't caught up with spring! Alexa finally went into the sprinkler yesterday. Let's see if we can progress into the pool!
I have some pictures to post, so let me go do that and I will catch up on more later.

So, can I go home now?

Maybe I am still in Yonkers.. maybe this past week is just one big, crazy road trip.. so can I go home now?!
Nope, no Yonkers, I am home, this is the same crazy road trip I have been on for some time now.. reality bites!
The up side is that I now know the source of my monster headaches and some other problems I have been having..( note the optimism..) The headaches have been much worse and more frequent the past few months. Especially when I do alot of lifting or strenuous activity, you know.. like moving.. twice.
I have a ruptured and herniated disc in my neck.. C4 to be exact. He believes it is from the car accident I was in last year. I also have degeneration at C3-C4, C5-C6, & C6-C7, but that is not a concern at the moment. They found a sinus problem on my right side, no suprise there.. no surgery planned, just meds and wait & see. Oh, and of course, there are limitations and lifestyle modifications to go along with all that..
*No Kayaking..( for now, I am fighting that one!)
*No, changed to limited, horse back riding.. walk only, no running or jumping.. yada yada yada.
*No lifting more than 20 lbs.. at all.. haha.. Tristan & Alexa are at 30 lbs EACH.
*No rollercoasters or jarring amusement park rides. Why go?! That's the best part.
*No activities that involve repetitive motion. hmm.. do packing & unpacking count?
*Sleep on only one pillow, preferrably an orthopedic pillow. (hate this one so far, have always slept on 2 pillows!)
*When I get a monster headache.. this is a good one.. get ready to laugh.. I am supposed to stay laying down until the pressure is relieved, which could take hours if it's really bad. I am sure the kids will be willing to cooperate with that one!
*Limit my driving.. another huge chuckle.
I am trying, really I am, but reality isn't as cooperative as my Dr. would like it to be. And it is sooo frustrating.
Soo, can I go home now??

Lost In Yawwnkas...

That is Nancy's version of Yonkers! Many moons ago I convinced Brian to let me drive when we were on our way back from some trip we had taken. We lived in Plattsburgh, upstate, New York. I only had to catch one exit to get us home safe & sound.. well I woke Brian up when I saw bright lights and a sign that said "Welcome to Yonkers". Which is also in New York, but in the opposite direction we needed to go! It has been a running joke with Brian since then that I got us lost in Yonkers. I agree I am directionally challenged, but sometimes getting lost is not such a bad thing.
I found our new house by getting lost and taking the raod to do a u-turn. This past weekend Nancy, Brenda, & I went up to the horse ranch. (more about my horse babies later!) We got bad directions from Blane, and well, my natural instinct to go the wrong way took over from there. I was trying to go into town to go to the coffee shop. Many wrong turns later we ended up finding an old abandoned house and some cool old shacks hidden in trees and vines. We tooka quick peek in the windows and continued our search for downtown Madison. Wer finally made it and grabbed a quick coffee to go and got back to the ranch in time for dinner. After dinner we decided to go back to the old house so Nancy could get some pictures. Nancy was our common sense about breaking, I mean..entering, into the house. Brenda and I tried every door & window. We found 2 windows that would open, but they were too high up and we couldn't find anything to stand on. We were contemplating going to walmart to get a step stool or ladder as we headed back to the truck.. just in time for a sherrif to drive by checking us out. All I could imagine was one of our rearends hanging out the window and getting busted! Good thing we behaved. It was a fun and interesting adventure. One we would not have had if we had not gotten lost..

Playing Fair..

Okay, to be fair.. my sister, Cricket is selling Avon.. check her stuff out at:
AVON Representative ALISON RAB serving the Bement, IL area

Boosting Bootie Business..

Terri's cousin, Lisa, is an exceptional artist & illustrator. She has a new business that is just too cute.. check it out..
BOOTIESHOES.COM Heirloom quality keepsakes

The littlest thing..

I spent yesterday running between children and bathrooms. I was sooo sick. Chad relented and watched the horde while I took a long hot bath and crashed to sleep for almost 3 hours. Tuesday I tore the ligaments in my right arm/elbow. That was before I had to empty out the storage unit.. Thank You Chad for doing the majority of the loading & unloading. Nothing but fun! I am determined to make it to the horse ranch this weekend with Nancy & Brenda. It has been 6 weeks since I have been able to get there, I am so overdue! Terri, Dwight & Savannah are managing the munchkins. (Thank You, Thank You!)
I have been so maxed out with the moves and getting things organized. I have been beyond stressed. Being sick didn't help. Then Brian brought me something I got in the mail today. It was a simple brown envelope, with just one item in it. There was no need for a note. It was miniature magnetic clothespins from Diane Panek in Nebraska. I laughed so hard I almost fell off the couch. It reminded me of something she gave me at Brianne's wedding reception. It was chuckle therapy then and was again now. It was the littlest thing, yet it brought the biggest burst of laughter. It was the littlest thing, yet it brought back the best of memories. A beautiful day, despite some minor drama, a beautiful day with all my children happy and bright. It was the littlest thing...

Hmmm, good or bad?

I took this little quiz, http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=13060 about which phylosophy are you? and this is what it told me..

You scored as Hedonism.

Your life is guided by the principles of Hedonism: You believe that pleasure is a great, or the greatest, good; and you try to enjoy life’s pleasures as much as you can. “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die!”

Hedonism 95%
Existentialism 90%
Justice (Fairness) 80%
Utilitarianism 70%
Strong Egoism 30%
Apathy 30%
Kantianism 25%
Divine Command 10%
Nihilism 10%

Kids after playing in the rain 4 14 07

Kids after playing in the rain 4 14 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Pouring out the rain..

Terry Moore & I had a chance to do whatever we wanted yesterday afternoon..we couldn't think of a thing! It was too hot to really do much outside, we didn't know what half the movies out were about, and we just couldn't pin down what we wanted to do. So we got an ice cream, then went to Target to pick up a few things, then picked up the kids early from daycare. We took them home, set up the new wacky wigglin sprinkler we got at Target, and were going to let them get wet in the yard. Just as we all went outside it started to rain. I checked for lightening, and when I saw it was safe, I figured what the heck, so they played in the rain. Hunter remembered that Kierra liked to play in the rain too. Terry told him Kierra must be making the rain just for them to play in. He thought that was great, and asked Terry about her being able to see us and watch over us. Tristan got brave and played in the rain a little, but Alexa was not at all interested. She wrapped up in her towel and watched the boys. When we told her to go play, she would say "no way, it rainin". It was fun to watch them laugh and play, and the best way to spend the evening.
As a footnote..we went out this morning and ran into a heavy rainstorm. Hunter looked out the car window and said "Mom, Kierra must really be in a bad mood this morning!" I told him she wasn't the only one who helped pour out the rain. He told me I should tell her to stop it. I told him I didn't think that would work, his reply was.. "you are still her Mom, she has to listen to you!". I told him she rarely listened to me when she was alive, I didn't think it would work now!

Free at Last!

Okay, that may seem a little dramatic, but trust me.. it was a major crunch on Friday to finish emptying the rental and get it all cleaned before the sign out at 2:30. Terry Moore came for a visit to get away from work and stress in Miami .. and I put her to work cleaning walls and loading and unloading the van! She was a huge help, I couldn't have gotten it done wihtout her. We went non-stop til 3 pm. I have a thing about leaving a place in better shape than when we moved in. It doesn't matter to me what shape it was in before, it matters to me that our name is on it, and I can't leave it a mess. My arm is still sore from scrubbing walls..dog slobber and kid marks.. and cleaning tile floors on my hands and knees because it had a "film" on it from where someone used mop and glo or something on it. The next hurdle is getting out of the rent on the lease for the next couple months. If they don't rent it, we are on the hook for the rent even though we aren't in it anymore, so we are free of the house, but not the lease. We will see what happens with that. It is in pristine, move in condition, and we are done with it. Now, on to getting the old house ready to go on the market..

Cadbury Moo-Cow Some-Bunny Shore

Cadbury Moo-Cow Some-Bunny Shore
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Feb.5, 1996-April 11, 2007
The kids named him when I brought him home from the flea market 11 years ago! I neutered him when he was young and the Vet said it might extend his life a couple years..go figure. He was litter box trained and you could walk him outside in the grass with a ferret harness & leash. Recently he developed a tumor on his right leg at the knee joint and the vet discovered probable other growths internally. There really wasn't much they could do and we didn't want him to suffer. As much as I griped about him living so long, I didn't want him to die in pain. And yes, I cried.

Couch Sleepers

This is how we found them all yesterday morning when Brian & I got up. They started out the night before in their own rooms, in their own beds!

couch sleepers
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Lots of new pix to see!

Kids Easter 4 8 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

There are lots of new pix on the photo gallery pages. Be sure to go back to page 1 and see them all! Park pictures, Easter, their new rooms all decorated...go take a look..click on this picture, then when it gets you to the gallery, click on the "browse" button on the right and enjoy!

Happy Easter to all..

I just finished doing the Easter Bunny thing. I didn't get our Easter stuff out of the attic at the old house, so I bought bright colored gift bags and tissue paper at Publix. They are all getting a monkey, which was a conservation type thing, and some select pieces of candy.. very little!
It's not supposed to be all about the candy. (Tell that to a 6 year old & two 3 year olds.)
I cheated and bought pre-dyed eggs. There just haven't been enough hours in my days this week! I saw the marshmallow "peeps" at the store. Those were one of Kierra's favorites. I could not bring myself to buy them, so I got some other marshmallow ducks instead.
The little things can really get to me sometimes. I know I didn't get the stuff out of the attic on purpose, and I can say that I am too busy to let myself get upset. Most of the time that is true, but not today. Today I dropped and broke a small glass measuring cup that had been given to me by my grandmother many years ago. It had great sentimental value to me. I cried over it. And of course it triggered thoughts of Kierra and how will I preserve things so when the twin's get older they will still have something left of their mother?
Sorry for the down side of the day... Happy Easter to all!

Just one time..

When I picked the kids up from Terri's on Tuesday I asked Hunter if he had been good.. he said "yes Mom, Auntie Terri only had to talk through her teeth just one time!"

The Nap Recipe..

Brian called Terri's the other day to check on the kids, they were napping. We almost never get them to take naps. He asked her how she did it. I don't know the exact quote, but the part that stuck was.. "You boil 'em first". I had visions of the world's largest lobster pot! Which isn't far off.. she lets them play in the hot tub she has connectd to her pool. Then they get dry clothes, a comfy blanket.. and voila'..baked babies in a blanket. They nap for three hours!!
I tried my own version of her recipe tonight to help them settle for bed.. I set up my jacuzzi tub, got them naked.. and... they screamed their heads off and got out. I'm not sure what went wrong.. maybe tomorrow I will try it with their suits on..

Alexa, Hunter, & Tristan 4/1/07

Alexa, Hunter, & Tristan 4/1/07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Greta took this Sunday morning while they waited for Brianne & Justin to pick them up for church. Aren't they just too cute?!

Day 4

I know this is dated Wednesday, but it is still Tuesday for me because I haven't been to bed yet. This is the end of day 4 in the "great big move". We are about 90% moved in. I fixed our first dinner here tonight. (Thanks for being part of it Nance!) Nothing fancy or planned, but it was cool to cook in my new kitchen! The kids are all asleep in their own rooms, so far, so good! Big thanks to Terri, who helped pack, load, and unload most of Sunday. Then Dwight helped (did most of it!) load & unload all the big heavy stuff on Monday. They really kept us going and we got so much more done than we would have on our own. Greta, Randy, Terri, & Dwight have also pitched in & kept the kids for us too. Thank You, Thank You all. Tomorrow is another busy day, I'll tell you all about it later!

Thanks Baby Mine..

Last Thursday night my baby girl invited me out to dinner, just the 2 of us. It was great. We haven't really done that in way too long. We talked, we laughed, we cried.. for hours. I think we should do that at least once a month! Thanks baby.

Sealed with a...sore back & knees!!

I am not sure which is greater, my aches and pains, or my exhaustion! I sealed all the grout around all the tile in the new house, twice. I am so sore, and so tired! I stayed up until almost 3am getting the sealing underway, and worked on it all day. Brian installed 5 ceiling fans and is asleep on the couch. We start moving furniture in the morning.. woohoo! I am beat and off to bed!

Tagged..

It's been eons since I played tag with my sister, but she got me on her blog.. see her link on the right.. so I have to list 6 wierd things about me that you may not know?! Ok, here goes:
1) I don't just hate liver.. the smell makes me physically ill.
2) I prefer a light on when I sleep, a night light will do.
3) I like margarine on crackers, ask Nancy about it!
4) I got kicked in the butt by a horse when I was about 5 years old, wouldn't ride for years, until I was a teenager.
5) I wanted to be a truck driver.
6) I sang in a country band for a short time in Indiana when I was 18.
Not so wierd after all, but that's all I've got! Now I tag.. Vicky, Savannah, & Lisa Jaye..if you don't blog, post it in my comments section!

It's Ours!!

I can hardly believe it, but we closed on the new house today. All I can think of is... WOW. Greta insisted on taking the kids for the weekend, Brianne will pick them up for the day from her Sunday morning. Terri is offering "Aunti Terri's Day Camp" Mon-Wed. So the game plan is to do all the set-up stuff..sealing all the grout around all the tile... hang up window blinds and ceiling fans, tomorrow. Then move the big stuff on Sunday & Monday. Move whatever is left on Tuesday. Then we have deliveries and installations on Wed. & Thur. A very busy schedule. I will blog when I can, but right now hubby & I are headed to the new house to spend our first night there.. ALONE. I have Asti on ice and 2 glasses.......ttfn.

I know how..

How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know

Those are some of the lyrics to a song by Blaine Larson (country). I have heard it alot lately when I am swapping around stations in the car. Today (actually Tues) a 39 year old JSO officer shot himself while on duty. He was on the force 3 years. He left behind a wife, and his daughters, ages 2 & 5. He wasn't under investigation for anything, and no one seems to know why he did it. Then my Mom calls to tell me that my step-sister's 21 year old son killed himself Monday night.
Other than the connection to my Dad, I didn't know him. Other than the connection to Brian's job, I didn't know the officer either. I will be honest, when I first heard that song, my first reaction was "I know how you can feel that way...", "I know why people choose suicide..". But I also know why some (I) choose no to do it. I can't be that selfish. Brian & I talked about it and he said the same thing. To feel the grief we feel from Kierra's death, and know we would be creating that pain for those we love and care about keeps us here. It doesn't keep us from walking to the edge, but from taking the leap. It's a dangerous place to be. I am so sorry for this man & this boy who could not step back and not follow the urge to end their lives, and I am beyond sorry for the families they left behind to grieve for them.

FYI.. don't tile ALL your floors

I am glad our new house isn't all tile! This rental property is and it drives me crazy! You hear every little sound because everything echos. It doesn't help that it is small and the kid's rooms are close to the kitchen & living room. The twins room backs against the laundry room, & the kitchen, so they hear the washer and dryer, the dishwasher, when I run water, when I put away dishes, etc. Since I usually do all that in the wee hours, they usually wake up. Just one more thing I like about the new house! The bedrooms are all off the living room, but the far corners of the family room. The only wall that backs to anything that may be noisy is Hunter's. One of his walls is against where the entertainment center will be. But once he is asleep he is out solid until early morning. So I guess I will go to bed and finish cleaning the kitchen in the morning when I want them awake!

The Princess in her chair 3/27/07

The Princess in her chair 3/27/07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Alexa had a recheck for her ears today, all is well. We went to the mall to check out a few things and meet up with Greta for lunch. Alexa found this chair in one of the stores. It is a bit big for her yet, but she sure fits the "princess" part! It was fun to have a girls only day!

More Chances..

A friend once told me she noticed a pattern with my three older children. She said it took an average of 5 times for them to do something I told them to do. Because by the fifth time I was aggravated and my tone changed. When I got mad they knew I meant business.
The other day Hunter got in trouble for trying to hit Tristan with the door of the pirate ship playhouse out back. Tristan was bent over picking up his spilled marshmallows. I caught Hunter trying to shut the door hard enough to "accidentally" hit Tristan. He did it more than once before I stopped him. He did not succeed, but the fact that he tried really upset me. I put him in time out and told him I was done with him for the day. He got very upset and cried. "But Mom, you didn't give me more chances!" I usually give him a 3 strikes warning. I will tell him he has used all his chances for the day, and the next problem will be it, I'm done. He was so upset that he didn't get "more chances". I told him since he tried to hurt Tristan more than once, he didn't get any more chances, and that wasn't the only problem that day.
Chad & I have been having a "more chances" issue as well. Wether they are 6 or 20, they think there should always be more chances. I wish life worked that way! But it doesn't. You would think after the first 3 kids I would have a handle on this parenting thing. There is irony in the fact that I don't, but I do have "more chances"..

The Sunny Side..

Now here are some highlights from the week;
*Tristan dancing & saying "shake it, shake it" when he saw a hula skirt on Santa in a book we were reading..have no idea where he got that!
*The twins using the signs and words for "I Love You" randomly throughout the day.
*Playing "My Baby" with the kids while laying on our king size bed. (You snuggle with them and say "My Baby", or My Alexa, Tristan, or Hunter" then the other grown up says.. "no My Baby, etc. and trys to pull them away from the other person. They all love doing that and keep going back for more.)
* Watching them all play when they don't know you are looking and seeing them do something loving, or nice for the other.
* Having Alexa sit on my lap and do eskimo kisses.

No Full Moon.. so What's Up?!

Perfect example.. this is the fourth time I am trying to publish this post, it dumps it, erases it, and I have to start over!
Things have been like that all week, I try to get things done, and run into major glitches. I checked the moon phases to see if it was a full moon, no luck.
Here are just a few things the kids have been into this week;
*Hunter pulled the breaker on the AC unit outside. (came home to 80 degrees inside!)
*Tristan dumped out Brian's contact lenses.
*Hunter knocked over and broke a jar of queso cheese dip when he snuck into the pantry in the middle of the night or wee hours of the morning, quite the mess!
*Tristan or Hunter (both were pushing buttons while I buckled in Alexa) changed my temperature display in my car to Celsius, even the book can't tell me how to get it back to Fahrenheit!
*All of them have been bickering and arguing more.
I have to wonder what phase my life is going through since I can't blame the moon!

Not Fair..

It seems Kierra's accident, her death is so "in my face" the past few days. I think of it every day, I think of her every day, but that isn't quite the same as someone else putting it in front of me. It is hard to explain, even harder to deal with. Today we got a letter from the clerk of the court in St. John's County addressed to Kierra. It was informing her of a possible suspension of her driver's license! It said in July of 2005 she got a ticket for not having her driver's license with her while driving. She must have been given a warning for whatever she was stopped for, but they ticketed her for not having her driver's license on her at the time. Anyway, 19months later she gets this letter in the mail, 16 months after her death. If they bothered to check her license online they would have seen it lists her as deceased. What really bugged me was this is the first notice they have sent her on it, we have never gotten anything else. Brian called and straightened it out. He shouldn't have had to do that. To have to explain when and how she died, again, and again. Using Tristan's new favorite phrase, it's "not fair!"

Why I Blog..

I am fortunate to have ALOT of people in my life. Near and far. Friends, family, aquaintances, and everything in between. That has added to alot of life experiences. Add to that.. I am a VERY opinionated person (you should already know that!). So there are times I do not necessarily agree with each and everyone of those people. It is what it is. This is not only a way for me to keep in touch, it is also my journal, my way of letting things out. I do not, and have never, expected everyone to agree with me or like what I say. I believe I have said before that I make no promises about what I will say, or what this is about. Reading this is not required to be part of my life. I have a few people very close to me who do not read it at all. If you choose to read, do so at your own risk. Things I say might bother you. They may make you sad, mad, or sometimes they might make you laugh. I will not rationalize or justify what I have to say. (You should know that about me already too!) This is my life.. good, bad, or indifferent. Walk along with me, or drop in once in a while.. as in everything in life.. your choice.

Our couch sleeps 3!

I couldn't get a picture because it is too dark, but Tristan is on one end of the long section of our couch. Just a few inches past his outstretched toes you will find Alexa's toes. She stretches to the end of that section. Then there is a short section ending with a recliner. That is my section since that is the only space left! They have moved to taking over the couch instead of our bed. Of course they want me with them. Now sometimes I am already there, since I have a tendency to fall asleep on the couch, but even when I am not, Tristan will climb up, usually turn on the TV and then falls back to sleep. Alexa goes to wherever I am, or sometimes bypasses me on the couch and takes over my space in my bed if Brian is there. I know there will be some issues to get them back in the habit of sleeping in their own beds.. as well as in their own rooms. Of course now I have been up since 2 am. I fell asleep on the couch about 11. Alexa woke me up, then Tristan wasn't far behind. I realized the trash hadn't been taken down to the street, (Chad's job) so I emptied all the cans in the house, took trash & recyclables down to the street, cleaned most of the kitchen, started the dishwasher, read my book for a while, and here I am. Tomorrow is a stay at home day, no appointments, so maybe we can have a pajama day and take it easy.. I'll let you know how that works out for me!

2 out of 150..

Okay, Brianne finally updated her blog and it is about how forgetful her thyroid problem has made her. That solves my life long problem with forgetting things.. she got it from me!! Anywho, while blogging yesterday I could not remember what else I had wanted to blog about. I try to get on the computer often enough to get things down before I "forget". Greta & I spent some time today doing pottery. It was a good time. She asked if I had blogged about an incident at the ranch while we were there. I had forgotten all about it, so here it is...

Greta used to ride alot with one of her friends when she was younger, (LOL, much younger!). She has not ridden in many years. I was proud of her for getting back on. She rode Heiffer the first morning, then she spent the afternoon at the hotel with the kids. Then Sunday morning she stayed with the kids, then we took them to the ranch to have lunch, meet up with their parents and let them ride in the arena a little. Everyone seemed to have a good time. Greta got to ride Sally for our final ride of the weekend. We went through the pasture and the woods, then took the long way through the trails. We were just coming down a hill to the last stretch before the main trail when I noticed a familiar black rump, along with a painteron rump I am not so fond of.. Our filly, Tortuga, and her partner in crime, Walker. No horses are supposed to roam loose in the trails. There are gates to keep them out. Somehow those two snuck in while someone was trying to close the gate, or the gate got left open for awhile. They are not followers, trust me, I tried to get them to follow, no go, so I called Marei on my cell phone to let her know some horses had gotten past the gate. The signal was lousy and it went to voice mail, so we headed back to the barn to get help. We saw Blaine coming in on our way out and he said Marei sent him to get them, so she got my message. I offered to help, but he said they had it handled.

Of 150 horses on the property, mine is the one who gets through the gate! And I am the one to find her! Greta & Blaine had a fun time giving me heck about it back at the barn. They are good people. I don't know how I will ever find another place as good as there for my horses. Tortuga is going to be going out to a side pasture with the other yearlings for the summer. Nice fresh, new grass. And no trails to sneak into!!

"well, Kierra didn't.."

There are times I am at odds about what to blog and what not to blog. But this has been on my mind alot. I haven't gotten into the details of Kierra's accident very often. One, because it doesn't change anything. Two, it isn't pleasant to talk about. But over last weekend Greta & I went to Georgia to visit the horses and see Katie & Cody. (A very good weekend!) They spent Sat. night with us and we went to the mall and the movies. Katie & I, & Greta got in a debate about wearing a seatbelt while driving accross the parking lot. We told her she had to wear it, it was the safe thing to do.. that didn't convince her, so we told her it was the law, if she didn't wear it, she would be breaking the law.
Her response was " well Kierra didn't". It took me a full second or two to absorb that she had actually said it, then I replied," and what happened to her Katie?" Katie said "She died." I told her that was right and we wouldn't want anything like that to happen to her. That it should make her think about it, not brag about it. Greta was speechless. Katie, along with alot of us, speaks before she thinks and blurts out whatever comes to mind.
What really struck me was that obviously someone grown up used the example with her at one time or another. Brian's niece had blogged about the same thing on her my space just after Kierra died. Her words were "i just wish she had worn her seatbelt...things would have turned out so much differently if she had..". That has bothered me alot, but I never addressed it.
Kids believe what they hear. So I wish along with the seat belt issue, which we will never know would have mattered, they would have been reminded that the cause of her death was being run off the road by an angry man. Had he not done that, the rest wouldn't have happened, with, or without, a seatbelt. There were alot of contributing factors that day. It bugs me to have the seatbelt be what these kids remember about it. Grownups tend to use scare tactics to convince their kids to do what they should, I feel like Kierra's death should mean more than that. That is my own personal opinion, so don't blast me with seatbelt statistics, and your opinion of wether or not Kierra would have been killed. We paid professional experts to analyze the accident and know more than we ever wanted to. We know the force of the impact and the damage it caused, so don't assume to know what may have saved her life. Nothing did, and that will never change.

Mixed emotions..

I have often referred to my life as a roller coaster, ups & downs, both thrilling and fearful. Just when I think it is slowing down to stop, it plummets without warning. That is how I am feeling about the new house. I am so excited to have a new space, and the space we need. To have a fresh start for all of us. The flip side of that is leaving the other house, the life we have here. I know it's just down the road, but it really is another world in so many ways. I am a little fearful. The whole "waiting for the other shoe to drop". I am working on not doing that, but it creeps in from time to time anyway.
Brian & I went shopping for the kid's furniture for their rooms. The twins are out of their toddler beds, so..We are getting Alexa the bed Kierra picked out when she was just a baby. It is the Cinderella pumpkin coach princess bed at Rooms to Go. We are getting it in a full size so when she gets older she can take the canopy off and still have a beautiful sleigh type bed that she can use. It won't hurt to have the bigger bed when I have to lay down with her from time to time either!
Tristan is getting a Disney Cars bed, and Hunter is getting a Buzz Lightyear bunk bed. Yes, they are spoiled. Believe me, I know it. I kept thinking what Kierra would pick for them. What would she want for them? I do that with almost every decision I make for them. Big & little.
I do that with myself too. What would she say, what would she think? It doesn't always change what I decide, but I guess it keeps her with me, keeps her a part of it all.
Sometimes I can just pretend she is busy with her own life and not gone. Brianne is so busy with work, school, church, & just the demands of every day life. I don't get to see her as often as I would like and we don't get the chance to do much one on one. I maybe get to talk to her once or twice a week. Chad is in his own little world too. So sometimes it isn't so hard to pretend. I busy myself with the demands of life and it fades just a little. Then I think.. I can't wait to tell her about this or that.. .and it's back.
So I am excited about the new house and the move, I just wish she were here to be a part of it.

The Great Shoe Hunt..

Today was busier day than I expected. Brian was home sick. So sick he called into work. This is maybe the 2nd time in over 11 years he has called in sick, which means he was really, really sick. It is some stomach virus so we are all staying away from him! So I took the twins to the mall, met Greta for lunch, then walked to the other end, shopping along the way of course! I let them play on the indoor playground for awhile, but there were ALOT of kids. We shopped our way back to the end of the mall we parked at and got loaded into the car in time to go get Hunter from school. That is when I noticed only one shoe. Alexa had lost one of her purple kid's crocs. There was no way for me to go back right then and find it. So I picked up Hunter, took the twin's to daycare, took Hunter to karate, then He & I went to the mall and retraced my earlier steps. I had even called the stores and the mall.. no luck, no one saw it. We finally found it at the playgroyund. Hunter said he could smell it. Whatever works.. at least we found the shoe!

Alexa on Happy meds

Alexa on Happy meds
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

This was just before her surgery on Friday. She was done & on the way home by 9:30. She was just having the ear tubes put in so she didn't have to have an IV or Airway Tube, she had more gas anesthesia. So the after effects were more than Tristan's. She was fussy and groggy for a while. Then by afternoon she was running & playing again. Today (Sat.) you wouldn't have known she had anything done!

Whose Bed is it Anyway?!

We have been fighting the ages long battle of kids crawling into our bed in the middle of the night. It started about a week ago. When we first moved to this rental it was unbelievable how easily they went to bed for the first couple weeks. No TV, no fuss. They slept through the night. That has slowly changed. The other night I announced it was time to get ready for bed. Alexa put on her best pouty face and moaned pathetically, "Noooooo, not bed". I told her yes, it was time for bed. She pointed to my room and said "that bed", I responded with no, not that bed, your bed. She came back with "not my bed, your bed". I told her she was not sleeping in my bed, she had her own bed. She pointed to my room and said "My bed!" I, of course, laid claim and said no, my bed! That is when she got me... she looked up out of the top of her eyes, I swear she smirked.... and told me..... SHARE! You see, I have been saying that to her & Tristan alot lately when they get in a "mine" match. And no matter who the toy belongs to, they are supposed to share. I fell right into her trap about whose bed it was. It was very hard not to laugh as I took her pouty, mad, too damn smart, little body to her own bed. We don't win the battle every night. I am sure it will be easier when they are in their own rooms and not waking each other off & on all night. Then maybe they won't wake me off & on all night either!

The smell of defeat...White Cheddar Popcorn!

Alexa was supposed to have tubes put in her ears today. Supposed to.. which means it didn't happen. Everything was set.. no food after midnight, only clear fluids til 5:30am. Nothing after that. Nothing until I left the room to pee! Tristan & Alexa were on the couch watching the Disney Channel. I mistakenly thought they would stay there for the 30 seconds I needed to go potty. I know this is TMI, but I was... in the middle of what I needed to do.. mere seconds.. and I heard the pantry door open. I yelled at them and for Brian. They ignored me and he didn't hear me. I finished the best I could and came out of the bathroom pulling things up as I went.
And there they both were.. hands holding the evidence, more evidence on the floor. I held a small glimmer of hope that Alexa didn't have any in her mouth. She didn't, but her breath smelled just like their favorite snack.. and guiltily mine too... white cheddar popcorn. So no surgery today due to risk of aspiration during anethesia. They tried not to laugh when I called to let them know, and she is rescheduled for Friday. There will be no popcorn in the house.. and I will not be taking any potty breaks until they have her sedated!

Bridge to Terabithia

Okay, I should know by now not to go by previews alone. I thought this movie looked like a good movie for Hunter & I to go to. He liked Narnia, and the previews did not give me cause for concern. I hadn't run into anyone who had seen it yet, so yesterday Hunter and I had a date and we went to see it. The tragic twist in the tale shocked me. I couldn't help but cry. Hunter touched my hand and said, "Mom.. it's okay, Terabithia is magic.. it is in Jessie's imagination. When he goes back, she will be there, she will always be in his imagination, like Kierra is in mine." I so hoped he was right. But he wasn't. And when the girl wasn't in Terabithia Hunter was devestated. He told me that movies are supposed to have happy endings. How could it end that way? I tried my best to explain. Hunter then told me.. "Mom, first the movie ended all wrong and now I am disappointed again..you are supposed to know everything!" My heart broke. I hate movies like that! Message in a bottle, City of Angels, Pay it Forward, Steele Magnolias..ugh! I don't mind a tear jerker now & then.. but leave my heart in one piece! Then on the way home Hunter told me he wants the movie on DVD. I asked him why he would want such a sad movie?? He sighed as if disappointed again that I didn't already know the answer.. and said that if he watched it again maybe he would understand it better and he would get used to the sad parts. I told him we would see, that I didn't want to be that sad again. He told me that we get that sad alot about Kierra and he really wanted to know why the girl didn't stay in Jessie's imagination. I think he is worried Kierra won't stay in his. I told him the movie only shows some of his imagination, and is only a short period of time. And it is a story, not real. He, Hunter is real, and his feelings and thoughts are real. That is different than a movie. That seemed to appease him, but I am sure there are more discussions in our future. There should be warnings on movies like that.. Kleenex meter= a whole box!

Our Karate Kid!

Our Karate Kid!
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Hunter just graduated to his camouflage belt in Karate. I am amazed at what he learns and remembers. He has settled in and seems to enjoy it. We are very proud of him!

Tristan zonked out!

Tristan zonked out! 2 23 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Alexa zonked out!

Alexa zonked out! 2 23 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Playing Outdoors

Kids 2 23 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

I finally moved the kids outdoor stuff over to the rental. This is their playhouse. They also have a pirate ship, slide, and picnic table. It was too hard to move the big fort/swingset. That will have to wait for the move to the new house! I put it all on the patio just outside the sliding doors off the living room. They played all day! I had to make them come in while I went to get Hunter from school so Chad could watch them, and they both zonked out on the couch and slept for almost 2 hours! Now that is a good day..

Thank You!

I am fortunate that Hunter is considered the most polite child in his class. The twins also get praised at their speech therapy and different appointments for always saying Thank You. We were in Publix the other day and they all got a free cookie from the bakery. They all said Thank you. The woman said she was amazed that they did that on their own. She gives out cookies all day long, and not even the parents bother to say thank you. I told her it was something I taught them from before they could even speak. She asked, "how do you teach them that so young?" I told her I said thank you when I gave them things, and I tell them thank you when they do something I ask of them. Like sitting down at the Dr.'s office, or picking up a toy. She said she really appreciated being thanked even if it was just for giving them a cookie. That got me to thinking. Do I say Thank You as often as I expect the kids to? So I have made a real effort this week to do that. Again at Publix I went down an aisle and a young man was stocking shelves. He saw me coming and immediately started moving the boxes he was emptying. I told him not to worry about it, there was plenty of room for me to go around. Then I turned to him and said, "By the way.. thank you for keeping groceries on the shelves. That's hard work, and without it I couldn't feed my family. You have a great day." He thanked me and told me he hadn't been thanked like that since he went up to help during hurricane Katrina. I told him it was a shame we all take each other for granted. I told an older man "Thank You for your time, I really appreciate it." when he made me a sandwich at Publix today. (Boy I go to Puiblix alot! I have thanked other people too!) He told me to come back anytime and he would keep me stocked in extra pickles! It made us both smile. How hard was that? I am proud of the kids for being thankful, and I will try to be more thankful myself. So.. "Thank You!", to you all for taking the time to be interested in our lives. Have a great day!

More pix..

There are more "New House" pix on flickr, so just click on the pic of the house below and it will take you there, then click the "browse" button to the right and you can view all my pictures! The kitchen and breakfast nook floor are being replaced with tile, and the kitchen counters are being replaced with quartz, will update pix when that is done. Amazing the incentives they give to sell a house!

Lost & Found

New House
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Today I got lost looking at houses. That is how I found our new house! It is everything we need and more. It has a big yard and it is right around the corner form the pool & playground. I'll have more pix and info later. We should move about the first of April.

Topsy Turvy

That's how things are right now. Topsy Turvy, aka sticker shock, aka reality check. The final numbers came back for the renovation. We expected it to be a bit higher because we wanted some extra work done. It was way, way higher than we expected. So we talked about cutting it back, paring it down to bare bones and see what those numbers are. Brian went to work last night and thought about it some more, looked up houses and today we went house hunting. We aren't locked into the renovation yet, and it would wipe out everything we have to do it. We had the best of intentions. We really like our neighborhood, etc. If the $$ had been more within our range we would move forward. The pre estimates were do-able, the final costs are not. We looked at houses today that have more square footage than ours would have even after the renovation. We would still have money in the bank. The plus side to being out of our house already is that we can get it cleaned up, painted, and get it on the market. It will sell better without us in it, crowded to the hilt! We bought it at a much lower price than it's current value, so we can afford to price it lower to sell fast. So at the moment everything is all upside down. The best option so far is further south in St. John's County, just north of St. Augustine. So I am pulling my hair out, trying to look at the "up" side to all this.

Bits & Pieces..

I still have alot of things to sort and pack at the old house. It has been an emotional rollercoaster to go through some of it. I am packing away some things that have become part of my everyday reminders of Kie. I have kept out the important ones, and tenderly wrapped and packed the others. The things that I prepared myself to deal with were easier than I thought. It was the little things that I didn't expect that surprised me more.
I didn't really think ahead about moving Kierra's ashes. I have dusted and touched the dolphins often. So I didn't expect the jolt I felt when I lifted it in my arms to carry her out of the room. It struck me that I was holding her in my arms. Almost as I did when she was a baby. That this was the only way I would ever hold her again. It was an emotionally devestating moment. I got through it. Set the Urn down in the other room.. went outside by myself and cryed my eyes out. The rest will be easy...right?

Sick of the sickness!!

Ok, the kids are at the tail end of sick. Brian is sick with some crappy crud, and my doc tells me today that I have pneumonia. Not just the "walking" kind that isn't full blown and easily cured. That would be too easy. I keep inflaming my lungs with all the dust and stuff at the old house. I have to do breathing treatments and heavy antibiotics and doped up decongestants. Of course I am suppose to get lots of rest and not overdo. yea right. It seems like we are constantly on a sickness merry-go-round. The kids take vitamins, we use all the sanitizers, lysol wipes, etc. So what else can I do? Tristan's surgery is supposed to help with his ear infections and colds. He just got over being sick, so not sure how well that is working yet! My doc says my biggest issue is not enough sleep. I don't always take my thyroid meds and I almost never take any vitamins or immunity boosters. I can know that, and I can set up my little daily med tray so I can take them, but I don't know how to keep it all on track when a dozen other things get in the way. I am tired of sick and tired!

A Lot of Little Notes...

There are several things to blog on, but rather than do one mass ramble, I will do them on their own.
The weekend was good. Barney developed an abcess on the "frog" of his hoof. So he is "lame" for the duration of treatment & healing.. maybe a couple weeks. He may have gotten a stone stuck, or stepped on something out in pasture. So I rode Marge, Tortuga's Mom. Then I rode Heiffer.. who is a true heiffer(cow). which in German would be Gross Coo...Big Cow. There was a German gentleman, Fred, who wanted to ride with us rather than the large group. He taught us some German and we taught him some English. Then Sunday I rode Sally.. who would not lead. I missed my "Dream" boy! Altho Barney can be a little hard headed, he is such a great ride. It makes it very hard for me to ride another horse. They just don't seem to measure up. The only other horse there who comes close is Cracker, and she is not usually available except to guides. I won't get back up there til the first of March, so Barney should be better by then.

How can I ever repay this kind of friendship?

I have many great friends. I love them all. I am giving Kudos to Terri & Dwight right now. They are watching the twins this weekend while I am up at the ranch in Ga. I just found out both Tristan & Alexa have been running fevers and have alternated sleeping & being cranky.. not at the same time! Tristan was having an issue with his adenoids (well, where his adenoids were) and Alexa has upcoming ear surgery the 28th, so they both are on antibiotics, but don't usually run fevers when they are sick. I don't know many people who wouldn't have been on the phone right away for me to come get my sick, cranky kids. I only have a select few people who will watch them for more than a day even when they are well! So a huge Thank You to Terri & Dwight who have alot of other things going on right now and really did not need sick babies added to it.
I have had a flare up with my asthmatic Bronchitis due to all the dust and dirt from the move, and was pretty bad with it before I left. While Terri has been going with almost no sleep, I have been able to get more rest than at home. So my gratitude is two fold! I don't know how I would have managed. When I wonder how I will ever get through this, how I will manage to raise these children in addition to Hunter and all that goes on in our everyday lives, I remind myself .. this is how, with the help and love of our friends and family. I am nothing without you all. Thank You!

Too Busy to Wear My Own Underwear!

This may be considered too much information, but it is true! We are living in the rental now and still have odds and ends to move, pack, or get rid of. I made sure the kids have all the essentials, and I made sure Brian had what he needed. I threw some things in a suitcase for me, but realized this morning that the suitcase is still at the other house. Normally I would have gone commando..(I know, TMI again!).. but it was too cold. So I did what any rushed, tired, crazed woman would do.. I stole a pair of my husbands britches. I must say mine are more comfortable! I made sure the suitcase got moved to the rental and I will be back in my own drawers tomorrow.

The Birthday..

We (I) made the big push to get moved over the weekend. We took a break Sunday to celebrate the twin's birthday at Ollie Koala's. They had a blast as usual. Good friends, Good Fun. We kept it low key this year. Only a few people called or e-mailed to see what the plans were. I didn't feel right advertising it on the blog. The people who have been here all along were there, except for a few special people who couldn't make it. Alex called from Iraq & left a message, which is still hard to deal with, but at least he called. He sent them cards and some stuffed Eeyores. I may have to deal with him when he gets back at the end of the year, so I will save those worries for another day. They enjoyed their day and got lots of cool stuff, even though I told everyone they have too much already! They got a snow cone machine and woke up the next morning wanting snow cones for breakfast! They didn't get the snow cones, but they sure were persistent. I think they may be a tad bit spoiled! But that is what it all boils down too.. the happy moments.

Kie & babies Feb. 4, 2004

Kie & babies Feb. 4, 2004
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Hard to imagine it has been 3 years already. Even harder to imagine that she really isn't here to celebrate with them.. We have been teaching Tristan & Alexa to say Happy Birthday, and Alexa will only say "Birthday!" I want it to be Happy for them. It is such a bittersweet day for me. Happy Birthday Babies!

Kids Feb 2 07

Kids Feb 2 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

It's that time of year again. I swear it takes years off my life to go through the craziness of getting their pictures taken. I make sure we get the same photographers that have always taken their pictures, so that helps. We did get more good shots to choose from than usual since they are older now and do follow directions (somewhat!).
As usual, click on the pic and go to the gallery to see the rest of the pictures. They are all adorable!!

My Son's many questions..

I am used to the questions "Why is the sky blue? How does the grass grow? Where did I come from? Why do Girls pee sitting down? Why do you & Daddy sleep in the same bed? If food smells good, why does poop smell so bad? "
I am not used to the questions "If God took Kierra to Heaven, why can't he bring her back? Why did that man have to kill my sister? What if one day I close my eyes and I can't see her anymore? Why would God want us to hurt so bad? How can I think of the happy times with Kierra when her being dead makes me so sad? Can I stay 5 years old, not have my birthday, and not grow up? That way I won't have to get older and die, you & daddy won't get older and die.. no one else will have to die, okay?"
I do the best I can, but even I don't have all the answers..