Thursday, August 31, 2006
I've Fallen Off The Wagon!
But I have myself convinced it is for good reason! Let me clarify. I fell off the E-bay wagon. See, similar to an alcoholic.. I am a self-confessed shopaholic. Ask anyone who knows me, they can confirm it. I have been so good about staying away from E-bay. Then I started playing around with it to sell some things for Greta. While I was trying to get that sorted out I happened to look for some Disney dress up clothes for Alexa so she could stop dressing up like "the thing". Woo-Hoo! I won the auction for a sleeping beauty and snow white outfit along with 2 other non-descript outfits. I also won the auction for a 3 piece corduroy Disney Princess fall outfit. I also won the auction for a purple princess warm-up suit. I didn't really expect to win them all! I hadn't thought about it in a few days, forgot when the auctions ended.. until I got notice I won the costumes. Then when I went on to pay for that, it showed the fall outfit was ending in a few minutes.. well I had competition for that outfit.. I should have let it go, but I tend to be a bit competitive.. just a bit. Needless to say, I won. Then while I was dealing with that, the other one ended and I won that too! I am watching a Jasmine dress up outfit for Lexie and a pair of Buzz Lightyear jeans for Tristan, but haven't bid on those yet, they end next week. But see how easy it is?! Boy's clothes are few and far between.. I guess that's a good thing! I will post pix of Alexa all dressed up when the clothes get here! So if I call you in the middle of the night to say I am craving E-bay and just can't stop myself... just tell me to step away from the computer.. step slowly away..
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
F.Y.I. (things you may or may not know!)
*I can have a good day without being devastated by guilt. (and that's OK!)
*My favorite color is still Hot Pink, although I like Purple too, as a reminder of Kie.
*I also like faeries as a reminder of Kie, but I am not collecting them.
*I am not collecting Dolphins either!
*I still cry at times without warning.
*My memories make me smile now more than they make me cry.
*I still miss Kierra every moment of every day.
*I can see Kierra in her children without it breaking my heart every time. (although it still breaks my heart she isn't here to see it herself..)
*I find it sad so many of her friends have faded away from seeing the kids.
*There are times I am still angry at God. (I don't need preaching about how wrong that is.. thanks anyway!)
*I don't expect, or want, anyone to feel they have to walk on eggshells around me, I don't mind talking about Kie, but I am also capable of talking about lots of other things.
*There are a select few who I am truly mad at/ disappointed in.. they know who they are! So if you are worried it may be you, ask me, don't avoid me!
*Tristan & Alexa are in size 2-3T..tops & shorts size 2T still works, but pants and PJs are size 3T. *Hunter is wearing Size 5 pants & shorts. Size 6 PJs, and size 6 shirts.
*Tristan wears a 7 1/2 WIDE shoe, regular width shoes are too tight on his chubby feet! *Alexa wears size 7 shoes. *Hunter wears size 12 shoes.
*Tristan's favorite Disney Character right now is Buzz Lightyear.
*Alexa's favorite Disney Character changes.. who ever she thinks is "pretty" at the moment. *Hunter's favorite Disney Character is Jack Sparrow.. Super hero.. Superman
*Tristan & Alexa really like the shows "Dragon Tales" and "Little Einsteins".
*Kierra could not stand Barbie, so we get Lexie Disney Princess things instead.
*I can not stand "Barney", so other than rare exposure in other homes.. they don't watch that show!
*Hunter refers to the twins more as his brother & sister now than him being their uncle.
*Hunter mentions and talks about Kierra alot, it is okay for those discussions to be happy ones too.
*Other than local friends & family, Brianne & Chad did not get any cards for their birthdays..that bites.
*I can still go places and do things, I just need to plan ahead, so ask me, if I can do it, I will!
*We aren't sure how we will handle the Holidays this year.. we will let you all know.
*We are still trying to figure out how to expand our house. ($$)
*I would love to get a small camper or RV to be able to travel more and go camping with all the kids.
*Starbucks Vanilla Chai Latte is my new favorite drink.
*Carraba's house salad is my favorite salad (now that the Light House Grille is closed!)
*I would love to go to the horse ranch in Madison, GA again.
*I would love to take Paula Deen's cooking class in Savannah, GA.
*My 25th High School reunion is in Oct. (yes, I am that old!)
Monday, August 28, 2006
Hunter's Progress at School..
Thursday Brian went to school and spent 3/4 of the day with Hunter. He got an "in between" face on his daily report. Not all bad, but not good. He really only behaved when Brian was there. Then Friday he had another "in between" day, a parent helper spent most of her time right with him helping control him. Not much better, but I will take what I can get. His therapist has suggested we do a Conner's Scale to rate his behavior at school. She saw signs of him being unable to focus or sit still for any length of time. There is a huge family history on all sides of attention deficit issues, learning problems, and a miriad of other problems. He has an appointment with his pediatrician tomorrow afternoon to discuss the Conner's results and options. Chad had to be on meds for ADHD. He quit taking them when he was a teenager. I think they helped but I had to demand better meds as the military tended to go with the older protocols. A low dose med may help take the edge off. I don't want to be the type of parent who refuses to believe her child has a problem, but I also don't want to jump at the first excuse for the problem either. Today has made it easier for me to accept he may need some type of medication to help him settle down enought to focus. Last night Hunter started having cold symptoms. No fever. So this morning I gave him some cold medicine before he went to school. I got a phone call about noon from his teacher. My first gut reaction was.. "Oh No, I don't have the time or energy to have to go to the school right now!" My heart sank at the sound of his teacher's voice. Until she got to the part that Hunter was having an awesome day! I was so excited.. and so was she, she just had to call me. When I picked him up we were all excited.. he got his first happy face! Then we had karate & I had forgotten his cold medicine. It was due at about 3 pm, when I picked him up from school. By the time he was at Karate class at 4 pm, he was bouncing around and not listening again. His instructor had to speak to him several times throughout class. So I will listen at the Dr. appt tomorrow with more of an open mind about medication. I want Hunter to learn and thrive in his school environment. I want him to have the best possible chance to succeed. And I want to answer my phone when his teacher calls without the dread and disappointment I felt when I first heard her voice today, after 3 weeks of constant problems. Today was a Great Day! He was so happy & proud. We haven't had many days to feel that way, I'll take all I can get!
Kitchen redo
This shows the wall where the kitchen nook set used to be.. covered with "stuff" and of no use. Now that is in the dining room/ play area, & the kids love it to play on and it is easier than me eating with them at their fisher price picnic table! I took this photo half done, half not, so you can see what is behind the curtain. My walls are really pale yellow, not the lime green they look here! I now have enough room to set up my craft table to sew, scrap book or whatever.. the kitchen is a gated off "no Kid" zone. I love it.. Thanks terri for giving me the idea to change things, I had planned to put the shelves in the garage and store my extra stuff there, but this turned out so much better!
Too busy to blog?!?
Wow, it is Monday night! Have I really been too busy to blog?! Here is a recap of my "time off";
Saturday morning Terri & I dragged Nancy kayaking with us at the Guana State Park. It was a good time had by all, Nancy even liked it! We had some hard current heading back in, but the sun was shining, and we were with friends.. what's a little upper body workout compared to that?! We rejuvenated ourselves at Cap's on the water for lunch and beat the rain when we headed our seperate ways. I spent the rest of Saturday pulling apart my kitchen and rearranging a bit in between coralling the kids. Actually that project took me well into Sunday & Sunday night, but I did take a break Sunday morning to meet Terri back at Guana for another kayak stroll on the water. I felt sooo spoiled being able to go two mornings in a row! I am itching to get back down to Rainbow Springs.. that will be a definite road trip in the next couple weeks!
Friday, August 25, 2006
A ping pong ball..
I know I jump from funny to sad, to general info to serious. You may feel like a ping pong ball being smacked back & forth.. sorry! Imagine how it feels to me! I was reading back over my blog from the wee hours of this morning. And although I was truthful, I may not have been completely forth coming about the whole do-gooder thing. It is like in the movie Shrek.. it has layers. More like an onion.. less like a parfait. Totally confused now?! Take a break and watch the movie, it is a good one and worthy of a few chuckles. And I am all about the chuckles..
Okay, now for the serious stuff.. and please understand.. I know the reality of it all, I can rationalize it all. But I can't always keep some of the darker and less sane thoughts from creeping in from time to time. And don't argue with me.. no one knows all my secrets.. no one knows all the things I have done in my life. I'm not all bad, but trust me, I am not all good either, and was even less so in my younger days!
I know deep down inside I have a little voice that says, "If I had been a better person, if I had not done some of the things I've done.. my daughter might still be here. Maybe that is why God has done this to us." I have always been a selfish person. I have not led an altruistic life. This is what grief does.. this is the guilt it gives to you along with the pain, the depression, the gaping black hole. The guilt isn't rational, it rarely makes sense. It doesn't have to. Any more than her death makes sense. I wasn't even here that day, I was hours from home. And that sometimes haunts me too. "If I had been home, I could have changed it. I could have done something!" It isn't rational, but it pops into my head from time to time. So part of trying to do for others is that guilt, and the fear that it could happen again to someone else I love. So I will do more, I will do better. Rational? No. But it is what it is.. that ping pong ball bouncing around inside my head.
It's 3 am.. Do You Know Where YOU Are?
I am here..exactly where "here" is at this point in my life I am not so sure! I am sure that it is not anywhere I ever planned it to be. No laughing.. I went to my first PTA meeting tonight. Yes, Hunter is my 4th child, but No, I never went to anything PTA before. Maybe it was the old song Harper Valley PTA, or maybe I felt too far out of the "normal" box to be part of the PTA before. OK, stop giggling & snorting.. no, I do not consider myself anywhere near the "normal" box now either. So maybe it is a desperate attempt to look normal? I have no idea. I am doing alot of things I never thought I would be doing, so what's one more?! I can't seem to find a comfortable fit with anything I do, but will keep trudging on and see where it takes me. Blind faith? You Betcha. Because even the best laid plans most often get shot all to hell.
I was cooking a meal for a JACKPOTT family tonight when Brian got home from work at about 1:30 am. I will deliver it tomorrow morning along with some bread, salad, & dessert. It motivated me to cook for us too. No one else had stepped up to help this family in need and I just felt like it was the right thing to do. But is it truly an altruistic act? Honestly.. no. I know if I inundate myself with things to do, especially for others (because that is more of a committment and I have to follow through), then I have less time to think, or to feel. I exhaust myself emotionally. Well, I try to. As you can see it is after 3 am EST and I am still up and at it. But there is so much I can't control (another issue for me!) and so much I feel isn't productive or doesn't give me a sense of worth, so I fill my life up with more & more to do. Yet I still feel like I don't do enough. I'm running a Hamster Wheel Marathon. I know what I am doing.. and deep down I know why.. knowing doesn't mean I can make myself do anything to change it.. and would I? No, not really.. because either way I would be right back where I am..right here.. wherever "here" is..
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Mada Lynn Caudle 4.16.88-8.23.03
My friend Nancy, who I have known since sometime in Middle school, gave birth to Mada April 16, 1988. I took a trip to visit them that summer in Indiana. Mada was born with a multitude of physical problems, but she was born with the purest and most perfect heart. She taught us all so much about life, and love, and faith. Even knowing she was leaving all of us here.. she gave all her strength in planning her own funeral, picking out her favorite songs, and telling us all not to cry. She was ready to go, to run free in heaven. She was ready to meet her God and leave her frail, physical body here. I envy her faith. Mada was a doer.. she dreamed of swimming with dolphins, and the summer before her death she did that with her Mom, her brother, and her sister. She dreamed of meeting Cher, and she did that...she even gave Cher a gift... a bible.. Cher thanked Mada and told her she didn't have one of those! But that is so like Mada, to have no qualms or fears to take on something she believed in. Terri & I went with Nancy to Indiana. We managed to get there before Mada died and we got to say our goodbyes. I have to admit I cried. I read Mada a book about Haven and brushed her hair. I tried to be strong for her, but my selfish tears won out. Nancy, Terri, & I drove home. It was a chance to decompress form the 3 days worth of wakes and funeral services. On the trip back was when Kierra called me and told me she was having twins. We stopped in Pigeon Forge and hit the outlet stores just before they closed for some shopping therapy. The emotional rollercoaster of the grief of death, yet the celebration of newborn life was a hard ride. I am sure Mada was smiling down on us ( well maybe scolding me too!) as I said "oh Shit!" about a dozen times when Kie said there were 2 babies coming. Nancy & I have shared a lot in our lives, traveled some of the same roads, tho not always at the same time. We never wanted to share this, the loss of a child, never wanted the other to feel this kind of pain. I thought I could understand when Mada died, how torn Nancy's heart was.. but I didn't, couldn't have known the depths of it until Kierra's death. It has been 3 years since that trip to Indiana. I Can Only Imagine was one of the songs played at Mada's funeral service. I don't hear it often.. but I changed my radio station the day Kierra died, before I knew... 3 times, and each time that song came on within a minute of me changing it.. Mada always did make herself heard, even when no one wanted to listen....
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
The Chad is Great!
That is a line from a movie and part of a comment a friend of mine left on one of my blog entries.. very cute! But today he was great. And he is alot of the time. Last week when Hunter was first having problems at school, Chad took time and talked to him.. Hunter was so thrilled because Chad gave him a real hug! (Chad does not hug often!) Today was a long & somewhat stressful day for me. Hunter is still having problems and there doesn't seem to be much improvement. My Dr. says to avoid stress! HaHaHa! When Hunter & I got home Chad took over.. he took all Hunter's playtime stuff & TV out of his room for me, (which he will get back when his behavior improves) and he ordered pizza for dinner and helped with the kids. (Hunter did not get Pizza!) I wonder if Chad will ever want his own children? He says NO!
Monday, August 21, 2006
Four Kids Aug. 22, 2004
Chad 18 years, Hunter 4 years, Kierra 23 years, Brianne 20 years old. One of my favorites of the four of them. I will post some more as I come accross them & scan them.
Brianne & Chad Dec. 2001
Chad at 15 years old.. with Brianne who was 17 years old.. both still kids at heart!
Chad August 1994
8 years old. We lived in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I think this was one of the few times I ever saw him with a football. He played soccer in England, but never seemed interested in sports once we got back stateside. Gosh, this seems like yesterday! He is 20 years old now! Of course he felt the need to age me a little more the other day when he reminded me that by the time the twins are 18, he will be almost 36 years old!! I can't think that far ahead..
Chad in Tux 1991
Such a little man! I had dressed the three kids up when we lived in Swaffham, England to take pictures to send back home. Note that he is barefoot.. he hated dressing up! But he did it for me, (and a few candy bribes!) He was about 5 years old here.
Happy Birthday to my Baby Boy!
August 21, 1986 at 12:00pm (Noon) on a bright and sunny Thursday, Chad Louis Shore was born. 6 lbs 15 oz 20 3/4 inches long. He was our miracle baby in that we still aren't sure how he was conceived through 3 different forms of birth control! And no, there was never an opportunity for an oops! But we were blessed with our beautiful baby boy after only 15 minutes of contractions and no stitches. Actually I had more contractions than that, but I had walked so much during my pregnancy my muscles were so toned that I only felt the last 15 minutes. He was supposed to be Brent Louis, but we both looked at him and didn't see "Brent". Friends of ours had a son the same week Brianne was born and they named him Chad, so we called them and asked if they wouldn't mind us naming our son Chad. They thought it was great, and so he was named Chad! His face is scratched up in this picture because he kept taking his little mittens off. He was stubborn even then!
Saturday, August 19, 2006
If That's What It Takes..
I have been bitching for weeks now about Brian not being able to transfer to day shift. Now he is working Mandatory Overtime. I am having a hard time not interfering (surprise, surprise!). I feel so useless while he busts his ass to provide for all of us. I was listening to my Celine Dion "Falling Into You" CD to day and this song really says it all from me to Brian.. I Love You Baby..
You're the bravest of hearts, you're the strongest of souls
You're my light in the dark, youre the place I call home
You can say its all right, but I know that you're breaking up inside
I see it in your eyes
Even you face the night afraid and alone
Thats why I'll be there
When the storm rises up, when the shadows descend
Every beat of my heart, every day without end
Every second I live, that's the promise I make
Baby, that's what I'll give, if thats what it takes
If that's what it takes
You can sleep in my arms, you dont have to explain
When your heart's crying out, baby, whisper my name
Cause I've reached out for you when the thunder is crashing up above
Youve given me your love
When your smile like the sun that shines through the pain
Thats why I'll be there
When the storm rises up, when the shadows descend
Every beat of my heart, every day without end
I will stand like a rock, I will bend till I break
Till there's no more to give, if that's what it takes
I will risk everything, I will fight, I will bleed
I will lay down my life, if that's what you need
Every second I live, that's the promise I make
Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes
Through the wind and the rain, through the smoke and the fire
When the fear rises up, when the waves ever higher
I will lay down my heart, my body, my soul
I will hold on all night and never let go
Every second I live, that's the promise I make
Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes
If that's what it takes
Every day..If that's what it takes
Tristan 8 18 06
The silent partner in crime.. the first to tattle, and the first to run when they get caught!
Alexa 8 18 06
Another sweet face that can be, oh so, deceiving! She has become my "organic" artist.. last night it took me 30 minutes to clean her "artwork" off her bed & wall from what she had in her diaper when she took it off!
Hunter 8 18 06
Hunter with his new glasses. How could that sweet face be driving me so crazy lately?!
Thursday, August 17, 2006
At My Wit's End!
I have tried everything I can think of, everything the therapist has thought of, everything his teacher has thought of, everything the principal has thought of... and I don't know what else to do. Hunter is not doing well in school. Honestly that is putting it mildly. His teacher considered the first week getting adjusted. She sent home a progress report Monday that had 6 sad faces, 3 neutral faces, and 1 happy face. Hunter & I talked about it, I made up some daily progress sheets and we decided tomorrow was going to be a better day.. but it wasn't, it was worse, and so was the next day, and the next! I got called to the school today because he refused to do his work and was disrupting the entire class. I talked to him, went to lunch and talked to him some more, then after lunch we went and talked to the guidance counselor and then the principal. He agreed to make better choices and instead of trying for a whole day of listening and doing his work, we would try for just the hour and a half left of school. Again he chose to be a brat. I am trying to be consistent. He has lost all TV and pool priveleges until we get a good report from school. He had to get 2 days good report to go to 2 birthday parties that he was invited to this weekend. He will not be going. I have gone down the list of all the behavior options, and the ways to motivate better behavior. We start every morning as a new day, we stay positive and let him know we know he can do it. I was on the verge of tears today when I picked him up because I don't know what else to do. We will stick with what the therapist reccomends and hopefully next week will be better. I am at my wit's end!!
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