When I was pregnant with Kierra I prayed for a girl. There were a number of reasons. I did not want my oldest child to be a boy. My childhood memories of older brothers were not good ones.
I also did not want a "mini-me" of her biological father. I knew a boy would mean more to my husband and father-in-law at the time, which would mean a harder fight when I decided to leave. I think I knew even then our future was not in Indiana.
It seemed Kierra blossomed after we left Indiana when she was 10 months old. Other than her infamous temper tantrums she was such a happy go lucky child and never met a stranger. She carried that personality with her throughout her life.. even the temper tantrums!
She was quite the social butterfly throughout her school years, even though we found out early in pre-first ( like headstart after kindergarten) that she was dislexic. She spelled alot of things phonetically because that is how she learned to read. She was in Daisy Girl Scouts, but lost interest when it was time for Brownies. She loved dance. She took Ballet, Tap , and Jazz. She was disappointed to find out she couldn't continue to Point Ballet because she had flat feet. She got involved with Cheer/Dance in New Mexico and was thrilled to make the JV Cheerleading Squad in high school. We always joke about the semester she was in ROTC because she thought "Naval Science" was like Marine Biology and she would be learning about Dolphins! She only stuck with it because changing her course would put her in a different rotation with her other classes and she wouldn't be with her friends. How she hated the uniform and having to wear her hair up! We only have 2 pictures of her in her ROTC uniform, and I had to hide those so she wouldn't destroy them!
I am glad we have so many pictures. I can't imagine family pictures without her. I am having a hard time thinking of taking the twins for their 2nd birthday pictures in a few weeks. She was always so proud of how Tristan & Alexa took such beautiful pictures. I had tried to get her in their 18 month pictures, but she was dressed for work and said they would all get pictures together for the Christmas ones. I could not bring myself to get the Christmas Pictures professionally done. My sister, Greta, got a great picture of Darnell and the twins at the big Pre-Christmas dinner we had with everyone. I enjoy looking back at her childhood pictures. It is hard for me to look at the pictures of her with the twins because it glaringly reminds me she will not be there for the rest of their lives.
I knew it would happen, but it is still hard to hear.. Alexa has started to call me "Mommy". I try not to correct her because I know how confused she will be. Their doctor says it is impossible for them to understand and is a natural progression. I use Nana & Papa when I am talking to her and let her call us whatever she needs to. She still calls Brian Papa. Tristan doesn't talk as much or as well, but I know he will follow her lead as he always does. I know I need to make this as easy for them as I can, but it is so hard not to tell them "No, I am not Mommy, I am Nana."
Their Doctor says it will be more stressful for them to constantly be corrected, especially when they hear Hunter call me Mommy and can't understand the difference. I feel like this is just one more loss. Their last connection to her is fading away. I want them to know her, to know she was their mother and how much she loved them.
So this is another thing I have to learn to deal with in our life without Kierra...
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