Hmmm.. it is 3:58 am, for me still Friday the 13th, with Saturday creeping in on my horizon. Today was long.. 2 months ago seems so far away, yet just a moment ago. I don't actively try to think about it, or "dwell" on it. My mind brings it forward whenever it chooses to.
Random thoughts weave in and out of my daily routines and the many things that keep me busy. There are times I turn them off and times I let them come, and times when I can't stop them from coming. This isn't every minute of every day. I have longer and longer periods of time when I am so busy doing all the things I have to do that my mind stays on track.
I have noticed lately how differently people interact with me, especially when I am with Brian. Do I seem so fragile to them? Do I seem unable to handle myself? I know part of it is his job and the assumption he has been trained to handle these things, and I am just a "civilian" woman. No one can be trained to handle the loss of their child. He is no more emtionally stable at this point than I am. Although he may get more sleep than I do! Just somehting I have noticed, another Hmmm..
I kept busy today, took Hunter to school, ran a couple errands. Took him to Terri's after school so he could have a sleepover with no babies. He was soo excited. I took the babies for the ride down, then took them to the mall. We did some shopping and I let them play at the indoor play ground. They had so much fun. It was busier than I thought it would be. Several people commented on them being twins, and how cute they were. I kept to myself and avoided socializing. One woman did come up and offer her condolences, she recognized them from the news. She asked how long it had been now and I told her Kierra was killed exactly 2 months ago. I thanked her and said I really didn't want to talk about it. I realize how much easier it is for me to say Kierra was killed, or died, than it is to use the phrase "passed away" or we "lost" her 2 months ago. Both of those are less harsh than the others. Is it my usual bluntness or do I want to express the harshness of her death? Hmmm...
Hunter has been asking alot of questions about growing in my belly,and what it was like when he was born. At first I put him off and didn't really answer his questions. I never lied to Kierra when she was young and started asking why she had so many grandparents. I never told her anything negative about her biological father and answered her questions as she asked them. She was about 7 years old when she first got inquisitive. I talked to Hunter's therapist and she said the younger you are honest with them the less difficulty they have later. So the next time he asked I told Hunter he grew in another woman's tummy. He asked why she wasn't his Mommy and I told him because she couldn't take care of him and we loved him and wanted him to be ours. I told him he would always be our special son and we would love him forever. He seemed satisfied with that. He asked where the woman was and I told him she doesn't live here and he doesn't know her. That seemed to satisfy him for now. I can't teach my children to be honest, yet lie to them. It doesn't protect them, it protects me from being uncomfortable talking about it, or worrying about being hurt. He made the comment to me yesterday that "since he was my special son, and since you didn't have to grow the babies your self to be a Mommy, then it was a good thing Tristan & Alexa would live with us now, because I knew how to do this. I could be all of their Mommies, couldn't I?" I told him he had been good practice for me, and with his help I could do anything.. Hmmm... It is amazing to behold the hope and wonder of a child... I wish I could see myself through his eyes...
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