Polar Express 2016
This is my family. The part of my heart I will always fight to protect.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Emotional F.U.B.A.R.
There are so many things scrambling around in my head. Do I go back & retrace my steps to catch up this blog, or do I forge ahead & take jaunts back to specific moments as they become pertinent to what I have to say? As I usually do, I will start "talking" and see what comes.
I have been in a fog of sorts since Thanksgiving. I would normally blame it on my "season of discontent" but this time it was emotional blindsides that did me in. This is where I am unsure how much background to get into.. if you don't know the details, this may not make as much sense to you. I guess if you have any questions, please comment or ask me.
I have an older brother in prison. Roy Glover was sentenced to 15 years in September 2013 for stabbing my Dad in December 2012. He was supposed to be eligible for parole in 4 years. The night before Thanksgiving we found out he had a parole hearing the following Thursday. Due to a transfer glitch we were not notified and they did not have any of his criminal history. He was considered a low risk inmate & due to overcrowding he qualified for what they called Governor's Leniency. I dropped everything else and attended that hearing. I also supplied them with a full criminal & psychological background. His parole was denied. He will have another parole hearing in December 2018. He is now in maximum security. Sucks to be him. Dealing with that dredged up a lot of emotional stuff I had locked away in a dark hole and had hoped I would never have to deal with again. I have been in therapy on a regular basis for 12 years. I thought I had this under control. After the 13 hour drive to get to the hearing in Nashville on Wednesday I headed back home to Florida after the hearing on Thursday. I ended up stopping just south of Atlanta Thursday night and spent about 2 hours crying non-stop. I cried for my father, I cried for my divided family, I cried for the damaged little girl I will always carry inside of me. My "brother" never loved or protected me. He never stopped others from picking on me or from hurting me. He was the one who hurt me, who abused me repeatedly for years when i was a young child. Some people have nightmares of things they are afraid will happen. My nightmares are reliving things that did happen.
Thankfully he went to live with our biological father when i was about 12 yrs old and had little contact after that. I had to spend time with him on various visits or events over the years, but I learned to never be alone with him & kept my distance. As an adult I completely disconnected from him. My children never knew him. My oldest saw him when she was 2 yrs old for about 5 minutes. I never let him get any where near her & she never saw him again. Dealing with his parole hearing on December 3rd was such an emotional whirlwind.
I had not processed my emotions from that encounter when we received the news on December 10th that my younger brother had committed suicide. Both of my brothers have had long standing mental health issues. It has been a constant struggle for our family to deal with them and the consequences of their actions. My younger brother had disconnected from our family a year before his death. I can say it was my expectation that at some point he would take his own life. I can admit that in some ways it was a relief that he could not cause anymore pain to others or to himself. It was also a relief that he would no longer be chased by his demons. I cannot describe the mixture of guilt, grief, and even the relief of his passing. A death is a loss. I have experienced too much loss already. My grief is not just for my younger brother. It is for my parents and their advanced age and health concerns. It is for the situation that caused even more division in my already dysfunctional family. Too much to go into here.. at least for the moment.
There are some other issues that added to this emotional F.U.B.A.R. But these were the catalyst to my present fog. I will warn my readers now.. I plan to be honest.. perhaps brutally honest about my life, my feelings, my perceptions of events & experiences. It can be most unpleasant, and not usually a "Warm Fuzzy" kind of sharing. Warm fuzzies do happen from time to time.. but right now I have a lot of muck to wade through first.
I have been in a fog of sorts since Thanksgiving. I would normally blame it on my "season of discontent" but this time it was emotional blindsides that did me in. This is where I am unsure how much background to get into.. if you don't know the details, this may not make as much sense to you. I guess if you have any questions, please comment or ask me.
I have an older brother in prison. Roy Glover was sentenced to 15 years in September 2013 for stabbing my Dad in December 2012. He was supposed to be eligible for parole in 4 years. The night before Thanksgiving we found out he had a parole hearing the following Thursday. Due to a transfer glitch we were not notified and they did not have any of his criminal history. He was considered a low risk inmate & due to overcrowding he qualified for what they called Governor's Leniency. I dropped everything else and attended that hearing. I also supplied them with a full criminal & psychological background. His parole was denied. He will have another parole hearing in December 2018. He is now in maximum security. Sucks to be him. Dealing with that dredged up a lot of emotional stuff I had locked away in a dark hole and had hoped I would never have to deal with again. I have been in therapy on a regular basis for 12 years. I thought I had this under control. After the 13 hour drive to get to the hearing in Nashville on Wednesday I headed back home to Florida after the hearing on Thursday. I ended up stopping just south of Atlanta Thursday night and spent about 2 hours crying non-stop. I cried for my father, I cried for my divided family, I cried for the damaged little girl I will always carry inside of me. My "brother" never loved or protected me. He never stopped others from picking on me or from hurting me. He was the one who hurt me, who abused me repeatedly for years when i was a young child. Some people have nightmares of things they are afraid will happen. My nightmares are reliving things that did happen.
Thankfully he went to live with our biological father when i was about 12 yrs old and had little contact after that. I had to spend time with him on various visits or events over the years, but I learned to never be alone with him & kept my distance. As an adult I completely disconnected from him. My children never knew him. My oldest saw him when she was 2 yrs old for about 5 minutes. I never let him get any where near her & she never saw him again. Dealing with his parole hearing on December 3rd was such an emotional whirlwind.
I had not processed my emotions from that encounter when we received the news on December 10th that my younger brother had committed suicide. Both of my brothers have had long standing mental health issues. It has been a constant struggle for our family to deal with them and the consequences of their actions. My younger brother had disconnected from our family a year before his death. I can say it was my expectation that at some point he would take his own life. I can admit that in some ways it was a relief that he could not cause anymore pain to others or to himself. It was also a relief that he would no longer be chased by his demons. I cannot describe the mixture of guilt, grief, and even the relief of his passing. A death is a loss. I have experienced too much loss already. My grief is not just for my younger brother. It is for my parents and their advanced age and health concerns. It is for the situation that caused even more division in my already dysfunctional family. Too much to go into here.. at least for the moment.
There are some other issues that added to this emotional F.U.B.A.R. But these were the catalyst to my present fog. I will warn my readers now.. I plan to be honest.. perhaps brutally honest about my life, my feelings, my perceptions of events & experiences. It can be most unpleasant, and not usually a "Warm Fuzzy" kind of sharing. Warm fuzzies do happen from time to time.. but right now I have a lot of muck to wade through first.
Monday, February 08, 2016
Open Wounds..
I am going to start blogging again. For myself, if no one else. I have so much to say, so much built up.. but for now I have this to share..
For my 10th birthday I was in All Children's Hospital in St Petersburg Florida recovering from surgery. According to my medical records I had a cancerous cyst of unknown type. Ruptured membrane excised with surrounding tissue. I have a very visible unusual scar about 5 inches long across my left collarbone.
After surgery the wound was left open. They took daily cultures then figured it was easier to let it heal from the inside out and still be able to access the area until they figured out what it was. They never did figure it out. Every day, numerous times per day, they would come in, pull out the gauze, clean the wound and stuff it with more gauze. They had me in isolation in a room by myself. Every time they pulled out the old gauze it reopened the wound and was extremely painful. It took a long time to heal and left an evident scar.
I have some emotional scars that remind me of that experience. Just when I think the pain is under control and healing has begun the wound is ripped open again, freshly bleeding with a new burst of pain.
I even have that same sense of isolation, of being alone, struggling with my recovery.
I keep thinking each time the gauze is ripped off if I just let it bleed till its done then the wound can heal. Stop trying to pad it, soften the pain. There is an end. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I just have to get there.
I have always felt strongly that you can forgive someone who hurts you, but they do not get a free pass to do it again just because they claim to love you or are related to you. I firmly believe that. It just gives me another person to grieve.
So I will recover, I will heal. I just need to guard my heart for a while longer.
For my 10th birthday I was in All Children's Hospital in St Petersburg Florida recovering from surgery. According to my medical records I had a cancerous cyst of unknown type. Ruptured membrane excised with surrounding tissue. I have a very visible unusual scar about 5 inches long across my left collarbone.
After surgery the wound was left open. They took daily cultures then figured it was easier to let it heal from the inside out and still be able to access the area until they figured out what it was. They never did figure it out. Every day, numerous times per day, they would come in, pull out the gauze, clean the wound and stuff it with more gauze. They had me in isolation in a room by myself. Every time they pulled out the old gauze it reopened the wound and was extremely painful. It took a long time to heal and left an evident scar.
I have some emotional scars that remind me of that experience. Just when I think the pain is under control and healing has begun the wound is ripped open again, freshly bleeding with a new burst of pain.
I even have that same sense of isolation, of being alone, struggling with my recovery.
I keep thinking each time the gauze is ripped off if I just let it bleed till its done then the wound can heal. Stop trying to pad it, soften the pain. There is an end. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I just have to get there.
I have always felt strongly that you can forgive someone who hurts you, but they do not get a free pass to do it again just because they claim to love you or are related to you. I firmly believe that. It just gives me another person to grieve.
So I will recover, I will heal. I just need to guard my heart for a while longer.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Overnight Oatmeal
Ingredients:
1 cup STEEL CUT Oats (Do not use instant or quick oats)
1 cup dried fruit (Craisins,Raisins,Figs-chopped,Apricots-chopped)
1 Granny Smith Apple, peeled, cored & chopped (Granny Smith holds up better than some other types. Can also use pears.)
1/4 cup Brown Sugar
1/2 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract
1 Teaspoon Cinnamon
1/4 Teaspoon Salt
4 Cups Water
1/2 Cup Half & Half or Light Cream
You can customize this with whatever you do or don't want in it. The liquid amounts remain the same. I can't wait to make it with Pumpkin & the pumpkin pie spice! (You use 1 cup canned pumpkin & omit the apple & craisins.)
Combine all ingredients in a crockpot/slow cooker and cook on low for about 8 hours. I set it up before I go to bed.
My slow cooker has a timer that stops the cooking at the end & puts it on warm for an hour then turns off. Some crock pots are higher heat even on low and can cause the oatmeal to brown around the edges & stick to the crock pot. A sure fire solution to that is to set it up in a water bath. I use a multi bowl crockpot that has 3 different sized bowls. I use the largest, 6 Quart bowl, fill it with 2/3 water, then put all the ingredients in the smallest, 2 quart bowl and set it inside the larger bowl. Check to be sure the water comes up the sides of the smaller bowl about 1/2 way. You may have to add a little more water or take some out so it doesn't over flow. Cook on the 6 quart setting on low for 8 hours and you have perfect oatmeal.
If you do not have that kind of crock pot you can use a ceramic casserole dish or bowl to put all the ingredients in and put it down inside your crock pot with enough water to come up the side about 1/2-3/4 of the smaller bowl. Cooking time is still about 8 hours on low.
Enjoy! MJS 10/16/13
1 cup STEEL CUT Oats (Do not use instant or quick oats)
1 cup dried fruit (Craisins,Raisins,Figs-chopped,Apricots-chopped)
1 Granny Smith Apple, peeled, cored & chopped (Granny Smith holds up better than some other types. Can also use pears.)
1/4 cup Brown Sugar
1/2 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract
1 Teaspoon Cinnamon
1/4 Teaspoon Salt
4 Cups Water
1/2 Cup Half & Half or Light Cream
You can customize this with whatever you do or don't want in it. The liquid amounts remain the same. I can't wait to make it with Pumpkin & the pumpkin pie spice! (You use 1 cup canned pumpkin & omit the apple & craisins.)
Combine all ingredients in a crockpot/slow cooker and cook on low for about 8 hours. I set it up before I go to bed.
My slow cooker has a timer that stops the cooking at the end & puts it on warm for an hour then turns off. Some crock pots are higher heat even on low and can cause the oatmeal to brown around the edges & stick to the crock pot. A sure fire solution to that is to set it up in a water bath. I use a multi bowl crockpot that has 3 different sized bowls. I use the largest, 6 Quart bowl, fill it with 2/3 water, then put all the ingredients in the smallest, 2 quart bowl and set it inside the larger bowl. Check to be sure the water comes up the sides of the smaller bowl about 1/2 way. You may have to add a little more water or take some out so it doesn't over flow. Cook on the 6 quart setting on low for 8 hours and you have perfect oatmeal.
If you do not have that kind of crock pot you can use a ceramic casserole dish or bowl to put all the ingredients in and put it down inside your crock pot with enough water to come up the side about 1/2-3/4 of the smaller bowl. Cooking time is still about 8 hours on low.
Enjoy! MJS 10/16/13
Sunday, September 09, 2012
Why Bother
Perhaps you have been lucky enough to never experience the pain of abuse. The pain of someone you love hurting you. Perhaps you have never felt the pangs of hunger when you have had no food to eat or anything to drink. I have experienced both. Abused children & abused animals are similar in the way they will cling to their abusers. The way they will submit to whatever is dealt to them because they don't know any other way of being treated. If someone had not reached out to help me I am not sure I would be here today.
So why do I bother saving & helping these animals.. because they did not ask to be abused, neglected, abandoned, or thrown away. Any more than I did. So if reaching out & showing some love to these animals can in some way repair the damage done to them, then it is so worth my time to do it. It is so worth anything I can do to find them the best possible homes. Because hope is priceless. Because love doesn't cost a thing. Because I know how it feels to be hurt & afraid. I know how hard it is to look in their eyes & see myself reflected in them, to know how much it costs them to trust us, to give us just one more piece of themselves, hoping beyond hope this time will be different.
So why bother?? Because it would bother me more to do nothing.
MJ Shore 9/16/11
So why do I bother saving & helping these animals.. because they did not ask to be abused, neglected, abandoned, or thrown away. Any more than I did. So if reaching out & showing some love to these animals can in some way repair the damage done to them, then it is so worth my time to do it. It is so worth anything I can do to find them the best possible homes. Because hope is priceless. Because love doesn't cost a thing. Because I know how it feels to be hurt & afraid. I know how hard it is to look in their eyes & see myself reflected in them, to know how much it costs them to trust us, to give us just one more piece of themselves, hoping beyond hope this time will be different.
So why bother?? Because it would bother me more to do nothing.
MJ Shore 9/16/11
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Not blogging much..
I have not blogged here in months.. several months. I started this blog to not only help myself, but to help others keep in tune with what was going on. No one in my everyday life really needs the blog to know how we are & what is going on in our lives. If this blog is the only way you are keeping up with us, I am sorry. Sorry you don't keep up with us by being part of our lives.
There are people who swore to always be there, always be part of the twin's lives.. & they aren't. There are people who have chosen, by their words and/or actions, to not be part of our lives. I do not feel I owe them any explanation of our lives.
so I may post now & then, I may not. If you want to know how we are or how I am.. ask. if I want you to know.. I will tell you.
There are people who swore to always be there, always be part of the twin's lives.. & they aren't. There are people who have chosen, by their words and/or actions, to not be part of our lives. I do not feel I owe them any explanation of our lives.
so I may post now & then, I may not. If you want to know how we are or how I am.. ask. if I want you to know.. I will tell you.
Sunday, August 07, 2011
Photographs & Memories
Alexa reminded me this week that there are things I cannot give them. True memories are something you have, not something someone can tell you. They know what we have told them of their mother. I don't have any way of knowing what they can truly remember of her themselves.
Alexa was Prom Queen at camp on Friday. They had a prom type dance & she brought a fancy dress to wear to it. When I picked her up she said she was the Prom Queen because she had the prettiest dress & everyone loved her.. just like Mommy Kierra. She loves looking at photos of her mother. She especially likes the ones from Brianne's wedding & Kie's prom pix from high school. I see so much of her in them. I try to give them my memories. I tell them about her childhood & how much she loved them. It is like telling them a story, a fairy tale. Sometimes it seems that way to me too. But mine always turns into a horror story. One with a very unhappy ending. I so want to shield them from that. From the grief of her death. I worry how they will comprehend that loss as they get older. I worry so much for their happiness. I will make every effort to bring her joy into their lives. To bring her laughter into my memories & stories of her. Her life was so much greater than her death. It is hard sometimes to remember that, to over ride the grief with the good memories we have. After almost 6 years of having her gone, the 24 years she was here seems to fade sometimes. I want it to burn bright, to shine above the rest. I know I will never foget her. I just don't always know how to help her children remember...
Alexa was Prom Queen at camp on Friday. They had a prom type dance & she brought a fancy dress to wear to it. When I picked her up she said she was the Prom Queen because she had the prettiest dress & everyone loved her.. just like Mommy Kierra. She loves looking at photos of her mother. She especially likes the ones from Brianne's wedding & Kie's prom pix from high school. I see so much of her in them. I try to give them my memories. I tell them about her childhood & how much she loved them. It is like telling them a story, a fairy tale. Sometimes it seems that way to me too. But mine always turns into a horror story. One with a very unhappy ending. I so want to shield them from that. From the grief of her death. I worry how they will comprehend that loss as they get older. I worry so much for their happiness. I will make every effort to bring her joy into their lives. To bring her laughter into my memories & stories of her. Her life was so much greater than her death. It is hard sometimes to remember that, to over ride the grief with the good memories we have. After almost 6 years of having her gone, the 24 years she was here seems to fade sometimes. I want it to burn bright, to shine above the rest. I know I will never foget her. I just don't always know how to help her children remember...
Monday, July 25, 2011
That is enough for me!
I was talking to someone tonight about why I am the person I am. That is such a huge thing to summarize in words. Everything & Everyone in my entire life prior to this moment made me who I am at this moment. Good, bad & indifferent. Who I am now includes lists of pros & cons. But that's a whole other blog post to think about! The main subject of tonight's conversation was why I help people/animals/organizations.. what's in it for me?
I tried to step back & really think about it. The first reactive response is "because it is the right thing to do". Well, duh! But what gave me the gauge to measure it by? How did I come to feel the need to help anyone/anything beyond my immediate family & friends? I have helped complete strangers on the street because I saw a need. I have saved difficult to deal with animals because I felt they needed to be saved. Why? Why bother?
The answer that my heart gave me was "because my Grammy would be proud of me". Because my Grammy did more than just tell me how to behave & the right things to do. She showed me with her generous heart & giving nature. She showed me with her actions what values & morals were. I have not always lived up to her expectations, but she loved me anyway. So I don't do things for repayment or even acknowledgement. I do them because I know it would make my Grammy proud.
My love for animals wasn't shared by my Grammy. She would tolerate them in our lives, but rarely in her house! My Nana was the spoiler of her pets. She would take in & feed anything & everything. And I brought plenty of things home when I spent summers & weekends at her house! Her friends had animals they spoiled too & I always felt all animals deserved to be loved & cared for like that. So the rescuer part of me likes to think my Nana is proud of me too!
I enjoyed thinking of both my grandmother's tonight. I love them dearly & miss them more than words can say. I hope I am living a life that would make them proud. I know they loved me no matter what.. & that is enough for me!
I tried to step back & really think about it. The first reactive response is "because it is the right thing to do". Well, duh! But what gave me the gauge to measure it by? How did I come to feel the need to help anyone/anything beyond my immediate family & friends? I have helped complete strangers on the street because I saw a need. I have saved difficult to deal with animals because I felt they needed to be saved. Why? Why bother?
The answer that my heart gave me was "because my Grammy would be proud of me". Because my Grammy did more than just tell me how to behave & the right things to do. She showed me with her generous heart & giving nature. She showed me with her actions what values & morals were. I have not always lived up to her expectations, but she loved me anyway. So I don't do things for repayment or even acknowledgement. I do them because I know it would make my Grammy proud.
My love for animals wasn't shared by my Grammy. She would tolerate them in our lives, but rarely in her house! My Nana was the spoiler of her pets. She would take in & feed anything & everything. And I brought plenty of things home when I spent summers & weekends at her house! Her friends had animals they spoiled too & I always felt all animals deserved to be loved & cared for like that. So the rescuer part of me likes to think my Nana is proud of me too!
I enjoyed thinking of both my grandmother's tonight. I love them dearly & miss them more than words can say. I hope I am living a life that would make them proud. I know they loved me no matter what.. & that is enough for me!
Friday, July 08, 2011
It's 3 am
It's 3am, do you know where your children are?
I wonder about Kierra & the whole "Heaven" thing. I obviously still have some faith left or I wouldn't bother to capitalize the word! She has seemed more "present" to me lately. I know part of that is because Brian & I were married 28 years ago on July 1st. I typed celebrated, then changed it. It still is not possible to celebrate a day that included her so completely that her absence now makes it painful to even think about. I love Brian. It was one of the most wonderful days of my life. I will cherish it always. I can not remember the joy of that day with him & Kierra without the grief stealing it away & replacing it with the pain of her death. I have tried all the well intentioned suggestions to remember the good.. & I do. I can not control that pain, I can not prevent it or I would. It is like a lightening strike. I know the storm is coming, but can't find shelter from the rain...
Brianne is home with her husband & infant son, Daniel. He will be 4 months old on the 9th. What a precious gift he is! Such a good natured boy.. most of the time! Brianne has been back to work for several weeks now & I have been watching Daniel. She came over tonight to help me with a project. She has grown into an awesome woman & such a good mommy. I am beyond proud of her! I wish for an easier life for her. I wish her the peace of good health & a happier life. I see a light in her eyes with Daniel that has been missing..
Chad is in Afghanistan. It is almost mid day for him while it is the middle of the night for me. We have communicated more since he deployed than we have in the entire year prior. I am grateful for that. I send him boxes of anything I can think of that he may want or need. At least the things I can fit in a box. Other things I can not give him & worry he will not have the peace of mind he needs to do his job safely there. I guess it is my job as his mother to worry..
Hunter will be getting up in a few hours for his last day of surf camp. I am going to watch him in the afternoon. I have missed him this week. I want him to have as many good memories as possible to balance out all the loss he has suffered in his 10 years & all the struggles he has ahead of him. I hope he is having sweet dreams..
Tristan & Alexa are all snug in their beds. They will be up early for day camp. I wonder constantly what Kierra would want for them. I see so much of her in them, yet they have such distinct personalities all their own. I could not have imagined 5 years ago what they would be like today. I can't think 5 years ahead to who they will be then..
I wonder about Kierra & the whole "Heaven" thing. I obviously still have some faith left or I wouldn't bother to capitalize the word! She has seemed more "present" to me lately. I know part of that is because Brian & I were married 28 years ago on July 1st. I typed celebrated, then changed it. It still is not possible to celebrate a day that included her so completely that her absence now makes it painful to even think about. I love Brian. It was one of the most wonderful days of my life. I will cherish it always. I can not remember the joy of that day with him & Kierra without the grief stealing it away & replacing it with the pain of her death. I have tried all the well intentioned suggestions to remember the good.. & I do. I can not control that pain, I can not prevent it or I would. It is like a lightening strike. I know the storm is coming, but can't find shelter from the rain...
Brianne is home with her husband & infant son, Daniel. He will be 4 months old on the 9th. What a precious gift he is! Such a good natured boy.. most of the time! Brianne has been back to work for several weeks now & I have been watching Daniel. She came over tonight to help me with a project. She has grown into an awesome woman & such a good mommy. I am beyond proud of her! I wish for an easier life for her. I wish her the peace of good health & a happier life. I see a light in her eyes with Daniel that has been missing..
Chad is in Afghanistan. It is almost mid day for him while it is the middle of the night for me. We have communicated more since he deployed than we have in the entire year prior. I am grateful for that. I send him boxes of anything I can think of that he may want or need. At least the things I can fit in a box. Other things I can not give him & worry he will not have the peace of mind he needs to do his job safely there. I guess it is my job as his mother to worry..
Hunter will be getting up in a few hours for his last day of surf camp. I am going to watch him in the afternoon. I have missed him this week. I want him to have as many good memories as possible to balance out all the loss he has suffered in his 10 years & all the struggles he has ahead of him. I hope he is having sweet dreams..
Tristan & Alexa are all snug in their beds. They will be up early for day camp. I wonder constantly what Kierra would want for them. I see so much of her in them, yet they have such distinct personalities all their own. I could not have imagined 5 years ago what they would be like today. I can't think 5 years ahead to who they will be then..
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Chicken Cheese Casserole
3-4 cups cooked chicken, chopped (I like a lot of chicken so I use 4 cups)
2 cups chopped baby asparagus, chopped (1 bunch, cut stalk down about 1/2 way)
2 cups baby Portabello Mushrooms, chopped (8oz pkg, I didn’t use stems)
2 tbls butter & 1 tbls olive oil
__________________________________________________________________
¼ cup butter
¼ cup flour
1 clove garlic, minced
½ teaspoon salt
1 cup chicken broth
1 cup milk
¼ cup onion, minced
½ teaspoon dried basil
¼ teaspoon dried Oregano
A pinch of black pepper
1 cup (8oz) Mozzarella cheese, grated
½ cup parmesan cheese (1/4 cup for sauce, ¼ cup for top)
___________________________________________________________________
1 cup ricotta cheese (I sometimes mix in a little mozzarella &/or parmesan with it for extra flavor)
In large sauté pan heat butter & olive oil, add chopped asparagus & mushrooms. Saute on Medium High heat for about 4 minutes., set aside with cooked chicken.
In large saucepan melt ¼ cup butter (1/2 stick). Add ¼ flour, garlic & salt. Whisk until smooth. Let cook for a minute or two until bubbly. Add chicken broth & milk to pan, stirring constantly for about 3-4 minutes until it starts to thicken. Then add onion, basil, oregano, pepper, ¼ cup of the parmesan cheese, & the mozzarella cheese. Stir until the cheese melts. Add chicken & vegetables to sauce. Stir well until everything is combined.
In a casserole dish (4 quart or 13 x 9 x 2) pour half of the mixture. Top with dollops of the ricotta cheese, try to distribute evenly but does not have to be perfect. Top with the rest of the chicken mixture. Sprinkle the remaining ¼ cup of parmesan cheese on top.
Cook in a preheated 350 degree oven for about 30-40 minutes until hot & bubbly. Let cool about 15 minutes before serving.
2 cups chopped baby asparagus, chopped (1 bunch, cut stalk down about 1/2 way)
2 cups baby Portabello Mushrooms, chopped (8oz pkg, I didn’t use stems)
2 tbls butter & 1 tbls olive oil
__________________________________________________________________
¼ cup butter
¼ cup flour
1 clove garlic, minced
½ teaspoon salt
1 cup chicken broth
1 cup milk
¼ cup onion, minced
½ teaspoon dried basil
¼ teaspoon dried Oregano
A pinch of black pepper
1 cup (8oz) Mozzarella cheese, grated
½ cup parmesan cheese (1/4 cup for sauce, ¼ cup for top)
___________________________________________________________________
1 cup ricotta cheese (I sometimes mix in a little mozzarella &/or parmesan with it for extra flavor)
In large sauté pan heat butter & olive oil, add chopped asparagus & mushrooms. Saute on Medium High heat for about 4 minutes., set aside with cooked chicken.
In large saucepan melt ¼ cup butter (1/2 stick). Add ¼ flour, garlic & salt. Whisk until smooth. Let cook for a minute or two until bubbly. Add chicken broth & milk to pan, stirring constantly for about 3-4 minutes until it starts to thicken. Then add onion, basil, oregano, pepper, ¼ cup of the parmesan cheese, & the mozzarella cheese. Stir until the cheese melts. Add chicken & vegetables to sauce. Stir well until everything is combined.
In a casserole dish (4 quart or 13 x 9 x 2) pour half of the mixture. Top with dollops of the ricotta cheese, try to distribute evenly but does not have to be perfect. Top with the rest of the chicken mixture. Sprinkle the remaining ¼ cup of parmesan cheese on top.
Cook in a preheated 350 degree oven for about 30-40 minutes until hot & bubbly. Let cool about 15 minutes before serving.
Monday, June 06, 2011
Moving on.. or not
I am working hard to help Hunter with his grief. He has so many rampant emotions that I want to help ease what I can for him. This Thursday would have been, should have been, Kierra's 30th birthday. We have done different things to commemorate/celebrate June 9th over the 5+ years since her death. I have gotten varying opinions from his therapist & mine on how best to ease the grief this day brings to us.
Hunter is affected quite differently than the twins. They have almost no memories of her. They were too young to have the emotional impact that Hunter has. I keep hearing that it gets easier over time, I am still waiting! Thursday is also the last day of school for the kiddos. The tentative game plan is to let Hunter stay home & have a Mom & Dad day. Tristan & Alexa don't want to miss their parties at school. I am glad they can enjoy the day. Kierra would want that for them too. I want to give Hunter the ability to enjoy the day in some way, although I want him to be able to acknowledge his sadness too.
My practical self thinks I am handling this all quite well. Yet my emotional self is rolling her eyes even as I type this. I have taken months to get the house in order after a betrayal of someone I thought was a dear friend. I got the bed back upstairs & put clean sheets on it. Kierra's fairy sheets & her purple & white quilt. Why those? Because it makes me feel close to her. It continues to include her as part of our home. That may seem silly to you, & at times even seems silly to me.. but it is what it is. The effects of grief can often make no sense at all. Our hearts over ride our minds more often than not.
I hear all about "moving on", but am not sure what that really means! I wake up every day & put one foot in front of the other. Most days are busy & I can claim them as good days. There are moments that still catch me. Things that bring on the rain & make my heart ache. My heart doesn't bleed as much as it used to, but I know the part of it that was ripped out when she died will never really heal. Moving forward may not be the same as moving on, but for now it's the best I can do!
Hunter is affected quite differently than the twins. They have almost no memories of her. They were too young to have the emotional impact that Hunter has. I keep hearing that it gets easier over time, I am still waiting! Thursday is also the last day of school for the kiddos. The tentative game plan is to let Hunter stay home & have a Mom & Dad day. Tristan & Alexa don't want to miss their parties at school. I am glad they can enjoy the day. Kierra would want that for them too. I want to give Hunter the ability to enjoy the day in some way, although I want him to be able to acknowledge his sadness too.
My practical self thinks I am handling this all quite well. Yet my emotional self is rolling her eyes even as I type this. I have taken months to get the house in order after a betrayal of someone I thought was a dear friend. I got the bed back upstairs & put clean sheets on it. Kierra's fairy sheets & her purple & white quilt. Why those? Because it makes me feel close to her. It continues to include her as part of our home. That may seem silly to you, & at times even seems silly to me.. but it is what it is. The effects of grief can often make no sense at all. Our hearts over ride our minds more often than not.
I hear all about "moving on", but am not sure what that really means! I wake up every day & put one foot in front of the other. Most days are busy & I can claim them as good days. There are moments that still catch me. Things that bring on the rain & make my heart ache. My heart doesn't bleed as much as it used to, but I know the part of it that was ripped out when she died will never really heal. Moving forward may not be the same as moving on, but for now it's the best I can do!
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Facebook Fiasco!
I went online today to update the status of a dog I am fostering. I got a message when I tried to sign onto my facebook that suprised me. My account as been disabled because it was reported that I am not who I say I am. I had to laugh because beyond the fact I use my real name, etc.. I am brutally honest about myself. I share alot about myself. Sometimes it is alot about nothing, other times it is more than most people want to know. So I find it ironic to be questioned about provng myself. I did the steps required, just have to wait for them to get to it. I look forward to finding out who did it. Once I am verified they will tell me who, when, what was reported etc. Obviously the person had nothing better to do & doesn't know me very well at all. Most likely someone I have aleady cut out of my life. Which will just confirm I was right to do so.
In the meantime I have a room to paint. Now that we have our home back to just our family we have been rearranging the rooms back to normal, cleaning & painting as I go. It feels good. For those who don't facebook.. I have a 2 year old neutered male Pug who needs a home ASAP. Contact me if you are interested!
In the meantime I have a room to paint. Now that we have our home back to just our family we have been rearranging the rooms back to normal, cleaning & painting as I go. It feels good. For those who don't facebook.. I have a 2 year old neutered male Pug who needs a home ASAP. Contact me if you are interested!
Monday, February 28, 2011
The simple life..
I remember a time when life was so much simpler. I remember a time when distance made the heart grow fonder & so many things in life were free! Now gas prices are higher than ever before & the cost of living life in this day & age has an expensive pricetag emotionally & financially. A price too high at times.
I think back to when my older children were very young. We survived on alot less money than we have now, of course, we lived simpler then too. We have a home now after so many years of renting while Brian was in the Air Force. We have so much more now than we had back then. But is that really a good thing? Now with the failing economy, and all that goes with that, we struggle to survive.
I am considering going to school in the fall. I am thinking of going to Culinary School. I want to have a catering business or a small cafe at some point. Some education to back that up will help alot. It takes more than just liking to cook to make it a business. I keep thinking of what I could do that I would really enjoy doing. That is top of my list. I am not sure if that is a realistic goal or not. I think part of it is needing to take control of my life again rather than just navigating the rapids as I float down the river.
I am not sure there is a way to make our lives simpler, but I have to have hope it will get better.
I think back to when my older children were very young. We survived on alot less money than we have now, of course, we lived simpler then too. We have a home now after so many years of renting while Brian was in the Air Force. We have so much more now than we had back then. But is that really a good thing? Now with the failing economy, and all that goes with that, we struggle to survive.
I am considering going to school in the fall. I am thinking of going to Culinary School. I want to have a catering business or a small cafe at some point. Some education to back that up will help alot. It takes more than just liking to cook to make it a business. I keep thinking of what I could do that I would really enjoy doing. That is top of my list. I am not sure if that is a realistic goal or not. I think part of it is needing to take control of my life again rather than just navigating the rapids as I float down the river.
I am not sure there is a way to make our lives simpler, but I have to have hope it will get better.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
You never really know someone..
I wish I could get inside people's heads so I could figure out what the hell they are thinking! So I could make their brain work & help them understand that they just aren't getting what I am trying to do/say.
My hubby says I give too much, do too much. Maybe I do. He feels I don't get enough consideration/ appreciation for my time & trouble. There are times I don't. Getting something back isn't why I do it. I thought I was helping someone out of a bad situation. I thought they wanted a better life, a place of their own. But I am getting burned out. I don't have the energy to constantly make someone else feel better. I can't help someone who won't help themselves.
I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have dinner fixed for me once in a while. I wonder what it would be like to be invited out to do something I like to do & have them actually pay for a change. It isn't just about that, there is so much more. It is about simple consideration.
But it gets turned around & twisted. We don't care, we don't understand. We are pushing them out when they thought this was a "forever" situation. They hear what they want to hear & hear nothing else. It is hurtful to give so much, to care so much & have it thrown aside so callously. Like a child's temper tantrum when they throw & break their toys. If we didn't care we wouldn't have opened our home, rearranged our children & home to accomodate them.
Yet none of that counts, providing everything for them has meant nothing. To feel used up & thrown aside isn't new to me, it's just been a long time since I let someone get close enough to do that to me. To feel like I was a means to an end, to be drained and turned into the bad guy really sucks. I didn't think it would become such a negative situation.
It will be a very long time before I help someone again. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.. I have several routes to choose from!
My hubby says I give too much, do too much. Maybe I do. He feels I don't get enough consideration/ appreciation for my time & trouble. There are times I don't. Getting something back isn't why I do it. I thought I was helping someone out of a bad situation. I thought they wanted a better life, a place of their own. But I am getting burned out. I don't have the energy to constantly make someone else feel better. I can't help someone who won't help themselves.
I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have dinner fixed for me once in a while. I wonder what it would be like to be invited out to do something I like to do & have them actually pay for a change. It isn't just about that, there is so much more. It is about simple consideration.
But it gets turned around & twisted. We don't care, we don't understand. We are pushing them out when they thought this was a "forever" situation. They hear what they want to hear & hear nothing else. It is hurtful to give so much, to care so much & have it thrown aside so callously. Like a child's temper tantrum when they throw & break their toys. If we didn't care we wouldn't have opened our home, rearranged our children & home to accomodate them.
Yet none of that counts, providing everything for them has meant nothing. To feel used up & thrown aside isn't new to me, it's just been a long time since I let someone get close enough to do that to me. To feel like I was a means to an end, to be drained and turned into the bad guy really sucks. I didn't think it would become such a negative situation.
It will be a very long time before I help someone again. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.. I have several routes to choose from!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)