It's 3 am

It's 3am, do you know where your children are?

I wonder about Kierra & the whole "Heaven" thing. I obviously still have some faith left or I wouldn't bother to capitalize the word! She has seemed more "present" to me lately. I know part of that is because Brian & I were married 28 years ago on July 1st. I typed celebrated, then changed it. It still is not possible to celebrate a day that included her so completely that her absence now makes it painful to even think about. I love Brian. It was one of the most wonderful days of my life. I will cherish it always. I can not remember the joy of that day with him & Kierra without the grief stealing it away & replacing it with the pain of her death. I have tried all the well intentioned suggestions to remember the good.. & I do. I can not control that pain, I can not prevent it or I would. It is like a lightening strike. I know the storm is coming, but can't find shelter from the rain...

Brianne is home with her husband & infant son, Daniel. He will be 4 months old on the 9th. What a precious gift he is! Such a good natured boy.. most of the time! Brianne has been back to work for several weeks now & I have been watching Daniel. She came over tonight to help me with a project. She has grown into an awesome woman & such a good mommy. I am beyond proud of her! I wish for an easier life for her. I wish her the peace of good health & a happier life. I see a light in her eyes with Daniel that has been missing..

Chad is in Afghanistan. It is almost mid day for him while it is the middle of the night for me. We have communicated more since he deployed than we have in the entire year prior. I am grateful for that. I send him boxes of anything I can think of that he may want or need. At least the things I can fit in a box. Other things I can not give him & worry he will not have the peace of mind he needs to do his job safely there. I guess it is my job as his mother to worry..

Hunter will be getting up in a few hours for his last day of surf camp. I am going to watch him in the afternoon. I have missed him this week. I want him to have as many good memories as possible to balance out all the loss he has suffered in his 10 years & all the struggles he has ahead of him. I hope he is having sweet dreams..

Tristan & Alexa are all snug in their beds. They will be up early for day camp. I wonder constantly what Kierra would want for them. I see so much of her in them, yet they have such distinct personalities all their own. I could not have imagined 5 years ago what they would be like today. I can't think 5 years ahead to who they will be then..