I find it amusing how many people don't understand why we don't do anything Christmas related until after Thanksgiving. I don't do Thanksgiving decorations until after Halloween either, but that doesn't seem like such a big deal.
Maybe part of it is having worked retail & being inundated with Christmas before Halloween even gets here. I always hated that! I was sick of Christmas way before it ever got here.
Fall used to be my favorite time of year. I prefer Halloween & Thanksgiving to Christmas. I hate how they are pushed aside for the commercialization of Christmas.
A big part of it was being born & raised for part of my childhood near Plymouth, Massachusetts. I grew up running around the Plymouth Rock on Saturdays when we went into town. Plymouth Plantation was just another part of where I lived, nothing special. I didn't realize until we moved away what an integral part of American history it all was. I refuse to trivialize it by skipping over the day that memorializes that part of our past.
When we lived over in England it was odd to celebrate something that they considered a traitorous act. The Pilgrims fled England for a New World. That doesn't go over so well when you are an American living in England, even now! Our first Thanksgiving over there was not long after we arrived. I baked pumpkin pies & we drove over to Scott & Suzy's an hour or so away. Brian missed our turn so he went up over a median to get there. The pies were up in the back window & flipped over into the back seat.. needless to say, no more pies! We stopped at a British bakery hoping to get a replacement pie of some sort. The only option was what they called a treacle tart. It is a "syrup" pie. Thick, gooey, syrup pie! I almost tend to think they had that just for the local Americans they knew were celebrating Thanksgiving!
So even though this month holds the darkest day of our lives, it also holds a day I grew up appreciating as the day we give thanks. I am trying to go back to that, the celebrating & the being thankful. Bit by bit, piece by piece.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Where's my storm cellar?!
I can't seem to get ahead of this giant tornado that life has become lately. I get sucked into the vortex, everything gets trashed, & I am left standing in the rubble at the end of the day. There are good things going on, life is not all doom & gloom, but there are times it just really sucks!
Hunter is doing great at school. He is building confidence & study skills while this part of repeating 2nd grade is like a refresher course for him. I am hoping it will get him over the hump the 2nd part of the year when it is more challenging for him. He has a great teacher this year too, which makes a huge difference over last year! Hard to believe he will be 9 years old next month! He has lost 2 teeth the past week, both of his front teeth! Yes he is singing "all I want for Christmas is my 2 front teeth"!
Tristan is having more of a challenge with Kindergarten. He seems to be pushing his limits & testing the boundaries. He is being evaluated for hyperactivity. I know he is a boy, but his behaviors go way beyond the norm. His teachers & resource counselors at school are concerned & think it would benefit to have him evaluated & seen by Hunter's Dr. I agree. It is affecting him academically. He is very smart, he just can't control his impulses long enough to get anything done on paper.
Alexa is doing very well. Thank goodness! She has her moments of attitude & mood, but overall is an easygoing 5 year old. She has been into singing anything & everything lately. She sings about what she is doing, what the boys or the dogs are doing.. whatever pops in her head comes out in a sing song voice. Way out of tune & way off key, but she sings with her heart & soul!
Brianne's best friend lost her mother last weekend. The funeral was yesterday. It was hard to do, but I went to the viewing on Tuesday & the funeral as well. Amanda has been part of our family since right about the time we moved here. It is a tragic & senseless loss. Death has been way too busy in our lives. I am ready for it to move along!
Greta is having some health concerns. She is spending a few days in the hospital to get a complete battery of tests & work ups done to get some real answers about what is going on with her. She has not been well for quite a while but was so consumed caring for Randy that it wasn't a priority for her. She promised him she would take better care of herself & get things taken care of & now he is taking her at her word!!
I am trying to plan a getaway up to the horse ranch in December but will have to see what is going on & see what I can to do get the kids covered. I sure could use the recharge! They are giving me a free stay as a trade/thank you for giving them Reese, our Percheron-Paint Filly. She is doing great & I am glad to know she has such a great home.
Hunter is doing great at school. He is building confidence & study skills while this part of repeating 2nd grade is like a refresher course for him. I am hoping it will get him over the hump the 2nd part of the year when it is more challenging for him. He has a great teacher this year too, which makes a huge difference over last year! Hard to believe he will be 9 years old next month! He has lost 2 teeth the past week, both of his front teeth! Yes he is singing "all I want for Christmas is my 2 front teeth"!
Tristan is having more of a challenge with Kindergarten. He seems to be pushing his limits & testing the boundaries. He is being evaluated for hyperactivity. I know he is a boy, but his behaviors go way beyond the norm. His teachers & resource counselors at school are concerned & think it would benefit to have him evaluated & seen by Hunter's Dr. I agree. It is affecting him academically. He is very smart, he just can't control his impulses long enough to get anything done on paper.
Alexa is doing very well. Thank goodness! She has her moments of attitude & mood, but overall is an easygoing 5 year old. She has been into singing anything & everything lately. She sings about what she is doing, what the boys or the dogs are doing.. whatever pops in her head comes out in a sing song voice. Way out of tune & way off key, but she sings with her heart & soul!
Brianne's best friend lost her mother last weekend. The funeral was yesterday. It was hard to do, but I went to the viewing on Tuesday & the funeral as well. Amanda has been part of our family since right about the time we moved here. It is a tragic & senseless loss. Death has been way too busy in our lives. I am ready for it to move along!
Greta is having some health concerns. She is spending a few days in the hospital to get a complete battery of tests & work ups done to get some real answers about what is going on with her. She has not been well for quite a while but was so consumed caring for Randy that it wasn't a priority for her. She promised him she would take better care of herself & get things taken care of & now he is taking her at her word!!
I am trying to plan a getaway up to the horse ranch in December but will have to see what is going on & see what I can to do get the kids covered. I sure could use the recharge! They are giving me a free stay as a trade/thank you for giving them Reese, our Percheron-Paint Filly. She is doing great & I am glad to know she has such a great home.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Lemon Lush
Crust ingredients;
1-1/2 sticks margarine (softened)
1 cup Flour
1 cup chopped nuts (I use walnuts)
Layer 1 ingredients;
1- 8oz. Cream Cheese
1 Cup Powdered Sugar
1-1/2 cups Cool Whip (buy large container, need more for top layer)
Layer 2 ingredients;
3 boxes instant Lemon Pudding
2-2/3 cups milk
1 Teaspoon Lemon Extract (can use Vanilla instead)
*Mix first 3 ingredients for crust. Pat firmly into 11x8x2 pan. Bake for 20 minutes in a preheated 350 degree oven. Let cool.
*Mix next 3 ingredients for layer 1 & spread over the baked & cooled layer.
*Mix the ingredients for layer 2 ( It will become very thick) & spread over the top of layer 1.
* Spread the rest of the Cool Whip over the top. You can sprinkle with more chopped nuts if you like. Cut into squares & enjoy!
This recipe can be varied by using any flavor instant pudding you like & using the vanilla instead of lemon extract. It is a rich dessert, so smaller squares are better. A huge favorite!
I got this recipe from my friend, Sher Carlson when we were stationed at Plattsburgh Air Force Base in upstate New York. We were there June 1987-October 1990. Great friends, great memories, great food!
1-1/2 sticks margarine (softened)
1 cup Flour
1 cup chopped nuts (I use walnuts)
Layer 1 ingredients;
1- 8oz. Cream Cheese
1 Cup Powdered Sugar
1-1/2 cups Cool Whip (buy large container, need more for top layer)
Layer 2 ingredients;
3 boxes instant Lemon Pudding
2-2/3 cups milk
1 Teaspoon Lemon Extract (can use Vanilla instead)
*Mix first 3 ingredients for crust. Pat firmly into 11x8x2 pan. Bake for 20 minutes in a preheated 350 degree oven. Let cool.
*Mix next 3 ingredients for layer 1 & spread over the baked & cooled layer.
*Mix the ingredients for layer 2 ( It will become very thick) & spread over the top of layer 1.
* Spread the rest of the Cool Whip over the top. You can sprinkle with more chopped nuts if you like. Cut into squares & enjoy!
This recipe can be varied by using any flavor instant pudding you like & using the vanilla instead of lemon extract. It is a rich dessert, so smaller squares are better. A huge favorite!
I got this recipe from my friend, Sher Carlson when we were stationed at Plattsburgh Air Force Base in upstate New York. We were there June 1987-October 1990. Great friends, great memories, great food!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Rigatoni with Pumpkin & Bacon
Ingredients;
Coarse salt
8 slices bacon, coarsely chopped
1 medium onion, halved & thinly sliced
1 (3lb) cooking pumpkin, peeled, seeded, & cut into 3/4 inch cubes
1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh sage
1/4 teaspoon allspice
1-1/2 cups chicken stock/broth
3 tablespoons heavy cream
freshly ground pepper ( I use white pepper)
1 pound Rigatoni pasta
1/2 cup finely grated parmesan cheese (plus extra to sprinkle on top when serving)
2 tablespoons pumpkin seeds, toasted (for garnish, optional)
1.) Put water on to boil for pasta, add salt. While that is coming to a boil cook bacon in a large skillet on medium heat until bacon is almost crisp, about 5 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer bacon to a plate lined with paper towels & let drain.
2.) Add onion to the skillet with the bacon grease. Cook until soft, 12-15 minutes. Add pumpkin, sage, 1/2 teaspoon salt, & the allspice. Cook, stirring occasionally about 5 minutes. Add stock & cream; bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low & simmer until pumpkin is soft & sauce has thickened slightly, about 25 minutes. Season with Pepper.
3.) While the sauce is simmering, add rigatoni to the boiling water & cook until aldente. (about 15 minutes) Drain pasta & add to sauce in skillet. Add the bacon back in & the parmesan. Toss to combine all ingredients. Serve with parmesan sprinkled on top. You may also garnish with toasted pumpkin seeds.
Makes about 4 servings.
Coarse salt
8 slices bacon, coarsely chopped
1 medium onion, halved & thinly sliced
1 (3lb) cooking pumpkin, peeled, seeded, & cut into 3/4 inch cubes
1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh sage
1/4 teaspoon allspice
1-1/2 cups chicken stock/broth
3 tablespoons heavy cream
freshly ground pepper ( I use white pepper)
1 pound Rigatoni pasta
1/2 cup finely grated parmesan cheese (plus extra to sprinkle on top when serving)
2 tablespoons pumpkin seeds, toasted (for garnish, optional)
1.) Put water on to boil for pasta, add salt. While that is coming to a boil cook bacon in a large skillet on medium heat until bacon is almost crisp, about 5 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer bacon to a plate lined with paper towels & let drain.
2.) Add onion to the skillet with the bacon grease. Cook until soft, 12-15 minutes. Add pumpkin, sage, 1/2 teaspoon salt, & the allspice. Cook, stirring occasionally about 5 minutes. Add stock & cream; bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low & simmer until pumpkin is soft & sauce has thickened slightly, about 25 minutes. Season with Pepper.
3.) While the sauce is simmering, add rigatoni to the boiling water & cook until aldente. (about 15 minutes) Drain pasta & add to sauce in skillet. Add the bacon back in & the parmesan. Toss to combine all ingredients. Serve with parmesan sprinkled on top. You may also garnish with toasted pumpkin seeds.
Makes about 4 servings.
A Very Merry "Unbirthday"!
I'm backtracking a little, but wanted to share my birthday with ya'll. I have made a point of not celebrating my birthday since Kierra's death. It felt like a betrayal to celebrate without her. And wether rational or not, it felt wrong to have a birthday when she never will again. So that is my reasoning, good, bad, or indifferent. Brianne always gives me my card & gift ahead of time as an "unbirthday" thing.
This year I had a free pass to Disney for the day & Brian had a day left on his Disney pass from when we went in June. Brianne watched the kids so we could go overnight. I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday as much as I wanted to use it as an excuse to get Brian to spend some time with me! I was able to get a discounted room for the night so Brian & I went Saturday, checked in early, then went park hopping! We went to Animal Kingdom, rode on the Mount Everest Expedition, then left the park to go to the next one. Brian joked we were like Pandas.. Eats.. Shoots.. & Leaves, which is the tagline for an old joke I can't remember! So we "did the Panda" all day, rode all the grown up rides that we can't ride with the kids & off to the next park. There were a couple neither one of us had even been on before. When we rode Mission Space at Epcot Brian made jokes about it because I got to be the pilot & we crashlanded! He was more carefree & humorous than he has been in along time. On the trolley to one of the parks they tell you to please hold on to any "loose" belongings & he wrapped his arms around me. I didn't get what he was doing at first, then I playfully smacked him for being a smartalek!
We really enjoyed the one on one time. We talked about alot of things we don't seem to get to in our day to day lives. It was funny to notice the "texting teenagers" in the lines while we waited. There were 4 girls in front of us in one line who were texting to, & about, each other! Times sure have changed.
There were bittersweet moments too. Alexa had me wear her birthday girl pin & because I promised her I would, I wore it all day. So alot of people told me "Happy" Birthday. It was happier than previous ones in recent years, but it was still hard to be told that because it wasn't all happy. There were tearful moments too. It is not possible to go to places we went to with Kierra & not think of her, not remember how much she loved the thrilling roller coasters & rides, how she laughed out loud with a huge smile on her face. She didn't do anything halfway. But we cherish those memories & push the pain back just a bit further than we used to. It still comes, we still feel it, but you learn to take it in & channel it differently. You learn to catch yourself before the floodgates of tears open wide so it doesn't happen every time.
It was a hot day, we drank alot of water. At one stand I was digging through the ice looking for something cold when I came accross a giant pickle. The kids have always loved those so of course it reminded me of how much Kie loved them too. We bought it & shared it & really enjoyed it! It was ice cold & refreshing. It can be the littlest things sometimes that catch your heart off guard.
The parks weren't very busy & we didn't have many long lines. We hit all 4 parks & the only ride we missed was Space Mountain because it is still under renovation til November.
My birthday tends to be my starting point for the fall series of events that run through until the twin's birthday in February. Halloween, Anniversary of Kierra's death, Thanksgiving, Hunter's birthday, Christmas, New Year's, then the Twin's b-day Feb. 4th. I am not sure how we will handle all of that this year. I am not sure what kind of celebrations or memorials there will be. We will take them one at a time. It is good to be able to allow myself to celebrate & enjoy my birthday again. Maybe next year it won't have to be an "unbirthday", although I think it is a cute tradition for Bri & I to share now!
This year I had a free pass to Disney for the day & Brian had a day left on his Disney pass from when we went in June. Brianne watched the kids so we could go overnight. I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday as much as I wanted to use it as an excuse to get Brian to spend some time with me! I was able to get a discounted room for the night so Brian & I went Saturday, checked in early, then went park hopping! We went to Animal Kingdom, rode on the Mount Everest Expedition, then left the park to go to the next one. Brian joked we were like Pandas.. Eats.. Shoots.. & Leaves, which is the tagline for an old joke I can't remember! So we "did the Panda" all day, rode all the grown up rides that we can't ride with the kids & off to the next park. There were a couple neither one of us had even been on before. When we rode Mission Space at Epcot Brian made jokes about it because I got to be the pilot & we crashlanded! He was more carefree & humorous than he has been in along time. On the trolley to one of the parks they tell you to please hold on to any "loose" belongings & he wrapped his arms around me. I didn't get what he was doing at first, then I playfully smacked him for being a smartalek!
We really enjoyed the one on one time. We talked about alot of things we don't seem to get to in our day to day lives. It was funny to notice the "texting teenagers" in the lines while we waited. There were 4 girls in front of us in one line who were texting to, & about, each other! Times sure have changed.
There were bittersweet moments too. Alexa had me wear her birthday girl pin & because I promised her I would, I wore it all day. So alot of people told me "Happy" Birthday. It was happier than previous ones in recent years, but it was still hard to be told that because it wasn't all happy. There were tearful moments too. It is not possible to go to places we went to with Kierra & not think of her, not remember how much she loved the thrilling roller coasters & rides, how she laughed out loud with a huge smile on her face. She didn't do anything halfway. But we cherish those memories & push the pain back just a bit further than we used to. It still comes, we still feel it, but you learn to take it in & channel it differently. You learn to catch yourself before the floodgates of tears open wide so it doesn't happen every time.
It was a hot day, we drank alot of water. At one stand I was digging through the ice looking for something cold when I came accross a giant pickle. The kids have always loved those so of course it reminded me of how much Kie loved them too. We bought it & shared it & really enjoyed it! It was ice cold & refreshing. It can be the littlest things sometimes that catch your heart off guard.
The parks weren't very busy & we didn't have many long lines. We hit all 4 parks & the only ride we missed was Space Mountain because it is still under renovation til November.
My birthday tends to be my starting point for the fall series of events that run through until the twin's birthday in February. Halloween, Anniversary of Kierra's death, Thanksgiving, Hunter's birthday, Christmas, New Year's, then the Twin's b-day Feb. 4th. I am not sure how we will handle all of that this year. I am not sure what kind of celebrations or memorials there will be. We will take them one at a time. It is good to be able to allow myself to celebrate & enjoy my birthday again. Maybe next year it won't have to be an "unbirthday", although I think it is a cute tradition for Bri & I to share now!
Friday, October 16, 2009
Autumn Stew (Post 900!)
1/4 cup all purpose Flour
1-1/2 teaspoons Salt
1/4 teaspoon Paprika
1/4 teaspoon Pepper
1-1/2 pounds beef, cut into 1 inch pieces
2 Tablespoons oil
2 cups Water
1 teaspoon Pumpkin Spice
2 beef bouillion cubes
1 medium Onion, chopped
1- 14.5oz can Fire Roasted tomatoes w/ garlic
(or use stewed tomatoes & 1 clove minced garlic)
2-1/2 cups fresh pumpkin or hubbard (butternut) squash-peeled, seeded & cut into 1 inch cubes
3 medium potatoes, peeled & cut into 1 inch cubes
Mix flour, salt, paprika, & pepper. Coat beef pieces with flour mixture. Brown beef in 2 Tblsp oil in large pan or dutch oven. Stir in remaining ingredients, EXCEPT pumpkin & potatoes. Heat to boiling; reduce heat. Cover & simmer until beef is tender; 1-1/2 to 2 hours. Stir in pumpkin & potatoes. Cover & simmer until vegetables are tender, about 30 minutes.
Makes 6 servings; 325 calories per serving.
1-1/2 teaspoons Salt
1/4 teaspoon Paprika
1/4 teaspoon Pepper
1-1/2 pounds beef, cut into 1 inch pieces
2 Tablespoons oil
2 cups Water
1 teaspoon Pumpkin Spice
2 beef bouillion cubes
1 medium Onion, chopped
1- 14.5oz can Fire Roasted tomatoes w/ garlic
(or use stewed tomatoes & 1 clove minced garlic)
2-1/2 cups fresh pumpkin or hubbard (butternut) squash-peeled, seeded & cut into 1 inch cubes
3 medium potatoes, peeled & cut into 1 inch cubes
Mix flour, salt, paprika, & pepper. Coat beef pieces with flour mixture. Brown beef in 2 Tblsp oil in large pan or dutch oven. Stir in remaining ingredients, EXCEPT pumpkin & potatoes. Heat to boiling; reduce heat. Cover & simmer until beef is tender; 1-1/2 to 2 hours. Stir in pumpkin & potatoes. Cover & simmer until vegetables are tender, about 30 minutes.
Makes 6 servings; 325 calories per serving.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Alex, Alexa, & Tristan 10.5.09
Alex is thankfully back from Iraq! He came for a visit last week & we had the chance to take the twins to Universal in Orlando for 2 days. It was a good visit, but as always, too quick. Alex got to volunteer at the school for the day while he was here too. I posted some pix on the photo gallery, but have more to post. I am constantly running to catch up with everything!
Gone to the dogs!
We went through a rough patch with Cali when Chad left for the Army. We thought another home would be better for her. It wasn't and we got her back. I had been thinking of getting another dog to be her companion, but Brian wasn't so keen on another big dog. I turned down numerous offerings of other dogs & wasn't really looking. Then along came Callie.. yes another Cali/Callie! I happened upon a posting about her & it was all meant to be. Her family raised her & trained her well. They were unable to keep her & needed to find her a new home. Lucky us! Callie-Hanna (on right) is a 4 yr old Harlequin Great Dane. She is about 15lbs overweight so our twice daily walks will do her good! It has been like she was always here, Cali loves it & they are best buds. So now we are a 2-dane family!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Cali Playing
Lots more pix posted to the photo gallery.. click on this pic to get there, or click on photo gallery listed on sidebar.. enjoy! More will be posted over the weekend! I was told to list a warning.. found some good pix of Kierra, & some of Randy, Kleenex may be required.
Friday, September 18, 2009
You can't "Catch" it!
Grief is not really contagious! It can make you feel sad, but you can't "catch" it & it doesn't rub off! I say that because that must be the reason people tend to avoid someone who is grieving. The most used reason is "I didn't know what to say". Honestly.. you don't have to say anything. And when it comes to grief.. you can't really make it any worse. Even if we ask for space initially, that doesn't mean forever. That doesn't mean don't call at all & never come see us. Kierra has been gone almost 4 years, Randy & Deb almost 4 weeks. Alot of people in our lives distanced themselves when Kie died. Most haven't come back. That seems to be what alot of people are doing to Greta. Yes, she is upset. Yes, she can be emotional. But she is still Greta. She is still alive & breathing, although there are times she may not feel like doing it! We are still capable of going to a movie, or a walk on the beach. We can still talk on the phone. If we think we can't, we won't answer. Leave a message & you'll usually get a call back. Reach out, don't step away. It only takes a few minutes to say hello, & let someone know you are thinking of them. Some days that may be just what we need when we are feeling so alone.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Out of Obscurity..
I just read back a few posts & didn't realize my life had been so consumed by dying & death.. I knew people I loved were dying, but didn't realize it had pushed everything else into obscurity!
*I missed posting Chad's 23rd birthday.. sorry buddy! He is in Tech school with the Army in Fort Huachuca Arizona. He should graduate March 5, 2010. His projected assignment will then be Honolulu, Hawaii! I guess I will just have to go visit!
*I missed posting that Brian is now a Sergeant with the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office. I am so proud of him & happy for him. All those years in the Air Force forged a need to advance, to be acknowledged for his work. He got that, but also got the crappiest shift they have.. 3:30pm-3:30 am. The worst shift for a family man. On days that the kids have school & he works, they don't see him at all. I get to be a MSP.. Married Single Parent.. I get the kids up & off to school, I get the kids home from school, handle homework, dinner, baths, bedtime, etc. It is something he has worked so hard for, but truly sucks! There may be an opportunity for him to change shifts at some point.. but honestly.. another carryover from the military.. those are Brian's guys now, that is his shift.. will he really want to move to a different shift/squad & start all that over? Is it fair for me to ask him to? I have followed him & supported him for over 26 years, why change that now? It is an adjustment.. one that I thought I left behind with active duty.. so it will take a little longer, but we will all get used to it eventually!
*I missed posting about the kid's first day of school! I will upload pix later today. Tristan is in a co-teaching classroom, which has me concerned, but seems to be working at the moment. Alexa is in the class next door with a very organized, structured teacher. I thought at orientation that they may have been better off switched, but we shall see. Kindergarten sure has changed over the years! Hunter is doing well. He was unhappy at repeating the 2nd grade, but I think it will be a good year for him to gain some learning skills & get the support he lacked last year. His meds have leveled out & he is doing well. They just did an EKG & bloodwork.. all is well.
*Cali has settled down remarkably well. I will post a current pic of her too. The kids take turns walking her to the bus stop right around the corner every morning & afternoon..a positive side effect of having no car! It is a cute picture to see these little kids walking this big great dane!
*The lack of a car has also kept me from the horses. I had so wanted to get on a schedule with them too.. Once I have my car back that is my first priority. I think that has been part of the funk I am in. I miss riding, I even miss grooming & working with them. When they boarded in GA I was forced to devote the entire weekend to them, to focusing on nothing else. Now that they are up in Callahan it is harder to commit that block of time & not let other things bump them from my priority list. Life has a nasty habit of getting in the way!
I am sure I will think of other things that got forgotten, but for now that should catch ya'll up.
*I missed posting Chad's 23rd birthday.. sorry buddy! He is in Tech school with the Army in Fort Huachuca Arizona. He should graduate March 5, 2010. His projected assignment will then be Honolulu, Hawaii! I guess I will just have to go visit!
*I missed posting that Brian is now a Sergeant with the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office. I am so proud of him & happy for him. All those years in the Air Force forged a need to advance, to be acknowledged for his work. He got that, but also got the crappiest shift they have.. 3:30pm-3:30 am. The worst shift for a family man. On days that the kids have school & he works, they don't see him at all. I get to be a MSP.. Married Single Parent.. I get the kids up & off to school, I get the kids home from school, handle homework, dinner, baths, bedtime, etc. It is something he has worked so hard for, but truly sucks! There may be an opportunity for him to change shifts at some point.. but honestly.. another carryover from the military.. those are Brian's guys now, that is his shift.. will he really want to move to a different shift/squad & start all that over? Is it fair for me to ask him to? I have followed him & supported him for over 26 years, why change that now? It is an adjustment.. one that I thought I left behind with active duty.. so it will take a little longer, but we will all get used to it eventually!
*I missed posting about the kid's first day of school! I will upload pix later today. Tristan is in a co-teaching classroom, which has me concerned, but seems to be working at the moment. Alexa is in the class next door with a very organized, structured teacher. I thought at orientation that they may have been better off switched, but we shall see. Kindergarten sure has changed over the years! Hunter is doing well. He was unhappy at repeating the 2nd grade, but I think it will be a good year for him to gain some learning skills & get the support he lacked last year. His meds have leveled out & he is doing well. They just did an EKG & bloodwork.. all is well.
*Cali has settled down remarkably well. I will post a current pic of her too. The kids take turns walking her to the bus stop right around the corner every morning & afternoon..a positive side effect of having no car! It is a cute picture to see these little kids walking this big great dane!
*The lack of a car has also kept me from the horses. I had so wanted to get on a schedule with them too.. Once I have my car back that is my first priority. I think that has been part of the funk I am in. I miss riding, I even miss grooming & working with them. When they boarded in GA I was forced to devote the entire weekend to them, to focusing on nothing else. Now that they are up in Callahan it is harder to commit that block of time & not let other things bump them from my priority list. Life has a nasty habit of getting in the way!
I am sure I will think of other things that got forgotten, but for now that should catch ya'll up.
Monday, August 31, 2009
My War with Words..
It has been odd, but I have not been able to blog. I have sat here several times without being able to type a single word. Other times I would type then delete. I am not sure even now what I have to say.
Words will not change the past few weeks. They can not change the grief & pain of those I love. I went to St. Pete & sat with my friend, Debbie for 2 nights & almost 3 days. She was in ICU until the morning of August 25th when she died there. I was not able to get back down there & words can't change that for me.
I was driving home from St. Pete. the night of Aug. 18th when 10 minutes from home I fell asleep at the wheel & wrecked my car. I woke up in time to avoid hitting a telephone pole, but hit a cement culvert instead. I am fine, my car is not. It isn't totalled but will be out of commision for at least another 2-3 weeks. I bruised my face on the steering wheel, but truly am okay & was very fortunate to walk away. The only casualty was a pigmy rattle snake I dragged under my car & decapitated. (The insurance guy found it under my car when he did the estimate.. wish I could have seen his face & heard those words!)
Randy went into the final stages of his life and was admitted to a hospice facility Sunday the 23rd of August.. Mada's day.. I had taken the kids to Disney with Terry M. for a last day of summer fun before they started school on the 24th. All I could think of was that I could not be out of town (on a Sunday as well) when someone else I loved died! That was a selfish thought but it was present throughout my day. Words could not calm that fear.
Late Monday night I went to be with Greta & Randy at the Hospice facility. He was in a state of coma/sleep that he did not wake from. I stayed until about 4 am in the early hours of Tuesday morning. I had just left to go home when I got the call that Debbie was gone. Her family had held out hope until the very end. There were some very hard decisions that they had to make & despite all their efforts she just couldn't fight anymore. I wish there were something I could say that would ease their pain. But I know from experience that words are hollow when your heart is breaking. Words can not change that she is gone from their lives.
I got home & crawled into my bed about 5 am. My phone was on vibrate so I did not get the call from Greta that Randy had died at about 6:10 am. She finally called Terry M. & I got the call as I was getting the kids out the door to school. I was already grieving for Deb, so wasn't suprised that I felt numb at the news. It took me a while to let my grief for Randy come.. I jumped into my day & tried to hold it at bay. I wasn't very successful & it won out. Grief has a way of doing that. Words don't make it any less persistent.
Randy's Memorial Service was this past Saturday, the 29th of August. He will have another one up in North Carolina next Sunday, September 6th. It has been hard to watch my sister watch her husband die. To watch her make all the arrangements for the end of his life. It is harder still to watch the pain of her grief. I can't say I know how she feels, because although I know the pain of grief intimately, I do not know her pain. But I can hurt for her & feel so utterly helpless to ease that devestating strike of lightening each time she is reminded that he is gone. I had not been to their home since his death until yesterday. Chad came home for the service & wanted to say goodbye before his flight back. Chad was joking around with Greta in the front yard so I ran into the house to grab my camera. As I ran in I yelled.. "Hey Randy.. you've got to see this pic..." and it struck me what I had said, & that he wasn't there. Why does our mind let us do that?? I will never understand how we can be so cruel to ourselves. How the intricate masterpiece that is our brain can let you do that, let that thought even form into words..words that cannot change that he is gone.
Almost 4 years of life without her.. I still do that with Kierra from time to time. The pain is almost as great as the first time it struck me that she was gone. Fall is coming, it used to be my favortie time of year. I brace myself for her favorite, Halloween, to go on without her.. then the anniversary of her death, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then the Twin's birthday. Fall is taken over by my heart's Winter season. My season of numbing my heart from the pain of grief so I can give the kid's the season of celebration that it all should be. Words do not make that any easier.
Obviously my words have not escaped me.. I just wasn't sure how letting them out would feel. I wasn't sure I was up to the battle between my words & my emotions. I may have won the battle this time, but the war wages on!
Words will not change the past few weeks. They can not change the grief & pain of those I love. I went to St. Pete & sat with my friend, Debbie for 2 nights & almost 3 days. She was in ICU until the morning of August 25th when she died there. I was not able to get back down there & words can't change that for me.
I was driving home from St. Pete. the night of Aug. 18th when 10 minutes from home I fell asleep at the wheel & wrecked my car. I woke up in time to avoid hitting a telephone pole, but hit a cement culvert instead. I am fine, my car is not. It isn't totalled but will be out of commision for at least another 2-3 weeks. I bruised my face on the steering wheel, but truly am okay & was very fortunate to walk away. The only casualty was a pigmy rattle snake I dragged under my car & decapitated. (The insurance guy found it under my car when he did the estimate.. wish I could have seen his face & heard those words!)
Randy went into the final stages of his life and was admitted to a hospice facility Sunday the 23rd of August.. Mada's day.. I had taken the kids to Disney with Terry M. for a last day of summer fun before they started school on the 24th. All I could think of was that I could not be out of town (on a Sunday as well) when someone else I loved died! That was a selfish thought but it was present throughout my day. Words could not calm that fear.
Late Monday night I went to be with Greta & Randy at the Hospice facility. He was in a state of coma/sleep that he did not wake from. I stayed until about 4 am in the early hours of Tuesday morning. I had just left to go home when I got the call that Debbie was gone. Her family had held out hope until the very end. There were some very hard decisions that they had to make & despite all their efforts she just couldn't fight anymore. I wish there were something I could say that would ease their pain. But I know from experience that words are hollow when your heart is breaking. Words can not change that she is gone from their lives.
I got home & crawled into my bed about 5 am. My phone was on vibrate so I did not get the call from Greta that Randy had died at about 6:10 am. She finally called Terry M. & I got the call as I was getting the kids out the door to school. I was already grieving for Deb, so wasn't suprised that I felt numb at the news. It took me a while to let my grief for Randy come.. I jumped into my day & tried to hold it at bay. I wasn't very successful & it won out. Grief has a way of doing that. Words don't make it any less persistent.
Randy's Memorial Service was this past Saturday, the 29th of August. He will have another one up in North Carolina next Sunday, September 6th. It has been hard to watch my sister watch her husband die. To watch her make all the arrangements for the end of his life. It is harder still to watch the pain of her grief. I can't say I know how she feels, because although I know the pain of grief intimately, I do not know her pain. But I can hurt for her & feel so utterly helpless to ease that devestating strike of lightening each time she is reminded that he is gone. I had not been to their home since his death until yesterday. Chad came home for the service & wanted to say goodbye before his flight back. Chad was joking around with Greta in the front yard so I ran into the house to grab my camera. As I ran in I yelled.. "Hey Randy.. you've got to see this pic..." and it struck me what I had said, & that he wasn't there. Why does our mind let us do that?? I will never understand how we can be so cruel to ourselves. How the intricate masterpiece that is our brain can let you do that, let that thought even form into words..words that cannot change that he is gone.
Almost 4 years of life without her.. I still do that with Kierra from time to time. The pain is almost as great as the first time it struck me that she was gone. Fall is coming, it used to be my favortie time of year. I brace myself for her favorite, Halloween, to go on without her.. then the anniversary of her death, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then the Twin's birthday. Fall is taken over by my heart's Winter season. My season of numbing my heart from the pain of grief so I can give the kid's the season of celebration that it all should be. Words do not make that any easier.
Obviously my words have not escaped me.. I just wasn't sure how letting them out would feel. I wasn't sure I was up to the battle between my words & my emotions. I may have won the battle this time, but the war wages on!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Enough Already!
I spent the majority of my day today going through files & photos on our old computer. It was full of memories, and emotions. It really wore me out! Funny how something mental can sometimes exhaust you more than physical activity can! Then this evening I found out a dear friend of mine is in the ICU down in St. Petersburg. We met when Kierra was about a year old. I worked at Zayre's & so did she. She ended up being my babysitter & a very dear friend. There were times in our lives she & her family were the only ones I had to turn to. No matter how long it has been or how far apart we have been, coming to see them is like coming home again. Deb has grieved for Kie deeply. She has a strong faith, but knows how painful it has been for me. It has been painful for her too. It seems hard for us to talk about it when we are apart, but when we see each other it is so natural to talk & share both the joy & sorrow of our lives.
I am driven to go to her, She has been ill before, but this feels different. I will hope that she rallies & gets through this. For her, for her family. It doesn't sound good. I will go see her, hold her hand, give her husband a break (he has been there 24hrs a day since she was admitted on the 10th.) & take the time to share ourselves with each other like we have so many times before. I am not ready to let her go, but neither have I been ready for Randy to go either.
An ex brother-in-law of mine passed away the 11th after battling cancer. The husband of a twin's Mom in our group died from Cancer the end of July. A friend of my parent's lost his battle from cancer on the 11th as well.. enough already!!
I am driven to go to her, She has been ill before, but this feels different. I will hope that she rallies & gets through this. For her, for her family. It doesn't sound good. I will go see her, hold her hand, give her husband a break (he has been there 24hrs a day since she was admitted on the 10th.) & take the time to share ourselves with each other like we have so many times before. I am not ready to let her go, but neither have I been ready for Randy to go either.
An ex brother-in-law of mine passed away the 11th after battling cancer. The husband of a twin's Mom in our group died from Cancer the end of July. A friend of my parent's lost his battle from cancer on the 11th as well.. enough already!!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Happy Birthday to my baby, Brianne!
She turns 25 today! Wow! From this bright eyed baby she has become a remarkable woman. I am so proud to have her as my daughter. I love you baby girl!
I just wish I could fix it..
I thought my grief over Kierra had given me an understanding of death, of loss. I have lost loved ones before, but nothing compares to what her death has done to me. I have been watching what my sister has been going through with her husband & I am not so sure I could handle it. The "knowing" would drive me crazy, as I am sure it is with her.
Randy has had time to see his brothers, sisters, children, friends, & most of his grandchildren. It has given him an opportunity to say things he wanted to say to those he loves.
Yet even with all that, the moment of his death will be just as devestating to those who love him as Kierra's death was to us. No matter how much you think you can "prepare" for death, nothing can prepare you for that moment, no matter how or when it happens.
I tend to be a "fixer". I do what I can to help the ones I love, to fix whatever makes them unhappy. I can't fix this. There is nothing I can do to make it better, easier. That makes dealing with it all the more difficult. I can & I will, but I can't turn off the need to help, to fix it.
Randy has had time to see his brothers, sisters, children, friends, & most of his grandchildren. It has given him an opportunity to say things he wanted to say to those he loves.
Yet even with all that, the moment of his death will be just as devestating to those who love him as Kierra's death was to us. No matter how much you think you can "prepare" for death, nothing can prepare you for that moment, no matter how or when it happens.
I tend to be a "fixer". I do what I can to help the ones I love, to fix whatever makes them unhappy. I can't fix this. There is nothing I can do to make it better, easier. That makes dealing with it all the more difficult. I can & I will, but I can't turn off the need to help, to fix it.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Quite the conversation..
Hunter: Mom, are you awake?
Me: Yes Hunter, I am now..
I need to talk to you.
okay, honey, climb up here with me & we'll talk.
No Mom, you have to get up & talk to me in the other room.
come on Hunter, you can talk to me here..
No Mom, we have to talk in the office, it's important.
OK Hunter, let's go talk in the office..
So why are we talking in here Hunter?
I don't want to upset daddy talking about his Dad..Mom, Pop-pop (Randy) has dibeeties like Daddy's Dad did doesn't he?
Yes Hunter, he does.
Pop-pop has to go in the hospital alot like Grampa Shore did too doesn't he?
Yes Hunter, he does.
Pop-pop's kind of sick can't get all better can it?
No sweetie, it can't
How many more times will Pop-pop go to the hospital like Daddy's Dad before he goes to Heaven too?
Pop-pop doesn't want to go into the hopsital anymore, so he will stay at home so he can be there with Nana and visit with everyone.
And he will go to Heaven from his house?
yes, Hunter, probably. That's what he wants.
'cause his body is too tired isn't it Mom?
Yes honey it is.
That was not quite the conversation I expected to have. But Hunter has always been very perceptive & very smart when it comes to what is going on around him. I wish I could have lied...
Me: Yes Hunter, I am now..
I need to talk to you.
okay, honey, climb up here with me & we'll talk.
No Mom, you have to get up & talk to me in the other room.
come on Hunter, you can talk to me here..
No Mom, we have to talk in the office, it's important.
OK Hunter, let's go talk in the office..
So why are we talking in here Hunter?
I don't want to upset daddy talking about his Dad..Mom, Pop-pop (Randy) has dibeeties like Daddy's Dad did doesn't he?
Yes Hunter, he does.
Pop-pop has to go in the hospital alot like Grampa Shore did too doesn't he?
Yes Hunter, he does.
Pop-pop's kind of sick can't get all better can it?
No sweetie, it can't
How many more times will Pop-pop go to the hospital like Daddy's Dad before he goes to Heaven too?
Pop-pop doesn't want to go into the hopsital anymore, so he will stay at home so he can be there with Nana and visit with everyone.
And he will go to Heaven from his house?
yes, Hunter, probably. That's what he wants.
'cause his body is too tired isn't it Mom?
Yes honey it is.
That was not quite the conversation I expected to have. But Hunter has always been very perceptive & very smart when it comes to what is going on around him. I wish I could have lied...
Monday, July 20, 2009
Me on Lenny 7.19.09
Not my best photo, but look at that handsome horse!
A friend of ours, Tanya, took Lenny & I to the beach this evening for a great ride. The weather was perfect, the horses were perfect, & the company was awesome! It was great to talk to a grown-up! We email & facebook back & forth, but that isn't a replacement for good old fashioned face to face! I know I talked her ears off! (That happens when you are with kids all day.)
I haven't ridden in over 2 months. It felt good to get back on. We rode for about an hour and a half. It was a great recharge from how emotionally exhausted I have been lately. I am hoping to do it again sometime. Thanks to Tanya & her beautiful mare Jaeger for sharing their evening with us!
A friend of ours, Tanya, took Lenny & I to the beach this evening for a great ride. The weather was perfect, the horses were perfect, & the company was awesome! It was great to talk to a grown-up! We email & facebook back & forth, but that isn't a replacement for good old fashioned face to face! I know I talked her ears off! (That happens when you are with kids all day.)
I haven't ridden in over 2 months. It felt good to get back on. We rode for about an hour and a half. It was a great recharge from how emotionally exhausted I have been lately. I am hoping to do it again sometime. Thanks to Tanya & her beautiful mare Jaeger for sharing their evening with us!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Damn the little things...
I have reorganized our office/den/man cave recently. It is still all of those things, but it also has become my memory room. I have a wall quote that says "We do not remember days.. we remember moments". That is so true! We don't have alot of personal photos on the walls all over the house, so this room has been designated as the photo room. I have been going through photo albums & boxes to pick out our favorites & put them on display. I have also been taking photos out of those cardboard sleeves & putting them into protectors in albums for the ones I am not framing. I came accross some of Kierra & Brianne's class photos from England. They went to the American school on the military base there. I finished labeling Brianne's, I had written on the back of her's the teacher name, year & grade. I went to do the same for Kierra's and was stunned to see I had not labeled hers. I have no idea why not, but the information isn't there. I can figure out the order, but am not sure of the year, or her Teacher's names, or exactly, her age. I can figure out her age by other photos, which will give me the year, which will then help me figure out the grade. Brianne or Jessie (Miller) may recall the teachers, maybe not. I see familiar faces of other children in the photos, but can't recall their names. It struck me with a sharp stab of pain that I can't ask her, she can't tell me as she laughs over the familiar memories and stories of her youth. And with that thought follows; she can't ever tell me anything... ever again. Such a little thing, just a moment of thought. Something so little, yet it brings with it a pain so enormous it engulfs me, it brings me to my knees. Damn the little things, damn them, damn them, damn them!
Grown-ups & Guilt..
This has been a long week. Brian has worked over 2 weeks straight without a day off. That has given me alot of very long days with the kids. We have done some fun things, but bad weather & even worse finances have put a damper on summertime activities. We have been going to the free summer movies at Regal Cinemas, to the pool (when weather permits), to the zoo, & to a couple parks around town. As much fun as all that is, the days are still long & sometimes I just need a grown-up break! I feel guilty about that. Guilty that I feel that way sometimes, guilty that we need to tighten our purse strings & I pay a sitter sometimes to get away from it all.
This evening Greta & I were going to try to meet up & go to the beach. We had hoped to get an icy tropical drink & walk with our toes sinking into the sand. That didn't happen because Brian was working & I couldn't get a sitter. We will try again another night! I haven't done that in ages. During the day it gets way too hot in the summer here & the kids prefer the pool. I may have to take them one evening just to walk. There is part of Jax beach where we could even take Cali with us.
Tomorrow evening I get to stroll the beach on the back of one of my horses, Lenny. A friend of ours is picking us up at the barn with her horse trailer so we can go ride along the beach. I don't have a horse trailer, so I haven't taken any of mine to do that. I am so excited! If I think of it I will take some pix. Brianne & Justin are taking the kids so it won't cost me for a sitter, Thank You, Thank You! And a huge Thank You to Tanya for asking me to go & being willing to transport me & my horse too!
I managed to figure out a way for the twins to go to half day camp for 3 weeks. (Where there is a will, there is a way!) It is where Alexa went to preschool. Next week is Mad about Sports Camp, then the following week is Mad Science Camp, & the last week is Iron Chefs Camp. It is 9am-12pm Mon.-Fri. It is only for 4-6 year olds. Hunter & I will find other things to do. He got to go to horse camp for a week & stay at Terri's for most of that week so it evens out. It will give them a little break & get them used to a semi school schedule.
I'm not sure if we'll get to go anywhere or do much else this summer, but they got to go to Disney for almost a week & most kids never get to go to Disney at all. I know, it sounds like I am trying to justify things to myself, & I am.. I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. It doesn't make sense, it just is! So I will enjoy my horse & my ride on the beach tomorrow night, I will enjoy my grown-up time & try not to feel so guilty about it!
This evening Greta & I were going to try to meet up & go to the beach. We had hoped to get an icy tropical drink & walk with our toes sinking into the sand. That didn't happen because Brian was working & I couldn't get a sitter. We will try again another night! I haven't done that in ages. During the day it gets way too hot in the summer here & the kids prefer the pool. I may have to take them one evening just to walk. There is part of Jax beach where we could even take Cali with us.
Tomorrow evening I get to stroll the beach on the back of one of my horses, Lenny. A friend of ours is picking us up at the barn with her horse trailer so we can go ride along the beach. I don't have a horse trailer, so I haven't taken any of mine to do that. I am so excited! If I think of it I will take some pix. Brianne & Justin are taking the kids so it won't cost me for a sitter, Thank You, Thank You! And a huge Thank You to Tanya for asking me to go & being willing to transport me & my horse too!
I managed to figure out a way for the twins to go to half day camp for 3 weeks. (Where there is a will, there is a way!) It is where Alexa went to preschool. Next week is Mad about Sports Camp, then the following week is Mad Science Camp, & the last week is Iron Chefs Camp. It is 9am-12pm Mon.-Fri. It is only for 4-6 year olds. Hunter & I will find other things to do. He got to go to horse camp for a week & stay at Terri's for most of that week so it evens out. It will give them a little break & get them used to a semi school schedule.
I'm not sure if we'll get to go anywhere or do much else this summer, but they got to go to Disney for almost a week & most kids never get to go to Disney at all. I know, it sounds like I am trying to justify things to myself, & I am.. I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. It doesn't make sense, it just is! So I will enjoy my horse & my ride on the beach tomorrow night, I will enjoy my grown-up time & try not to feel so guilty about it!
Friday, July 17, 2009
I CRY
I cry
happily
angrily
sadly
I cry
softly
loudly
quietly
I cry
joyfully
painfully
hormonally
I cry
7.17.09 mjs
happily
angrily
sadly
I cry
softly
loudly
quietly
I cry
joyfully
painfully
hormonally
I cry
7.17.09 mjs
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