Alexa, Hunter, & Tristan 4/1/07

Alexa, Hunter, & Tristan 4/1/07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Greta took this Sunday morning while they waited for Brianne & Justin to pick them up for church. Aren't they just too cute?!

Day 4

I know this is dated Wednesday, but it is still Tuesday for me because I haven't been to bed yet. This is the end of day 4 in the "great big move". We are about 90% moved in. I fixed our first dinner here tonight. (Thanks for being part of it Nance!) Nothing fancy or planned, but it was cool to cook in my new kitchen! The kids are all asleep in their own rooms, so far, so good! Big thanks to Terri, who helped pack, load, and unload most of Sunday. Then Dwight helped (did most of it!) load & unload all the big heavy stuff on Monday. They really kept us going and we got so much more done than we would have on our own. Greta, Randy, Terri, & Dwight have also pitched in & kept the kids for us too. Thank You, Thank You all. Tomorrow is another busy day, I'll tell you all about it later!

Thanks Baby Mine..

Last Thursday night my baby girl invited me out to dinner, just the 2 of us. It was great. We haven't really done that in way too long. We talked, we laughed, we cried.. for hours. I think we should do that at least once a month! Thanks baby.

Sealed with a...sore back & knees!!

I am not sure which is greater, my aches and pains, or my exhaustion! I sealed all the grout around all the tile in the new house, twice. I am so sore, and so tired! I stayed up until almost 3am getting the sealing underway, and worked on it all day. Brian installed 5 ceiling fans and is asleep on the couch. We start moving furniture in the morning.. woohoo! I am beat and off to bed!

Tagged..

It's been eons since I played tag with my sister, but she got me on her blog.. see her link on the right.. so I have to list 6 wierd things about me that you may not know?! Ok, here goes:
1) I don't just hate liver.. the smell makes me physically ill.
2) I prefer a light on when I sleep, a night light will do.
3) I like margarine on crackers, ask Nancy about it!
4) I got kicked in the butt by a horse when I was about 5 years old, wouldn't ride for years, until I was a teenager.
5) I wanted to be a truck driver.
6) I sang in a country band for a short time in Indiana when I was 18.
Not so wierd after all, but that's all I've got! Now I tag.. Vicky, Savannah, & Lisa Jaye..if you don't blog, post it in my comments section!

It's Ours!!

I can hardly believe it, but we closed on the new house today. All I can think of is... WOW. Greta insisted on taking the kids for the weekend, Brianne will pick them up for the day from her Sunday morning. Terri is offering "Aunti Terri's Day Camp" Mon-Wed. So the game plan is to do all the set-up stuff..sealing all the grout around all the tile... hang up window blinds and ceiling fans, tomorrow. Then move the big stuff on Sunday & Monday. Move whatever is left on Tuesday. Then we have deliveries and installations on Wed. & Thur. A very busy schedule. I will blog when I can, but right now hubby & I are headed to the new house to spend our first night there.. ALONE. I have Asti on ice and 2 glasses.......ttfn.

I know how..

How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know

Those are some of the lyrics to a song by Blaine Larson (country). I have heard it alot lately when I am swapping around stations in the car. Today (actually Tues) a 39 year old JSO officer shot himself while on duty. He was on the force 3 years. He left behind a wife, and his daughters, ages 2 & 5. He wasn't under investigation for anything, and no one seems to know why he did it. Then my Mom calls to tell me that my step-sister's 21 year old son killed himself Monday night.
Other than the connection to my Dad, I didn't know him. Other than the connection to Brian's job, I didn't know the officer either. I will be honest, when I first heard that song, my first reaction was "I know how you can feel that way...", "I know why people choose suicide..". But I also know why some (I) choose no to do it. I can't be that selfish. Brian & I talked about it and he said the same thing. To feel the grief we feel from Kierra's death, and know we would be creating that pain for those we love and care about keeps us here. It doesn't keep us from walking to the edge, but from taking the leap. It's a dangerous place to be. I am so sorry for this man & this boy who could not step back and not follow the urge to end their lives, and I am beyond sorry for the families they left behind to grieve for them.

FYI.. don't tile ALL your floors

I am glad our new house isn't all tile! This rental property is and it drives me crazy! You hear every little sound because everything echos. It doesn't help that it is small and the kid's rooms are close to the kitchen & living room. The twins room backs against the laundry room, & the kitchen, so they hear the washer and dryer, the dishwasher, when I run water, when I put away dishes, etc. Since I usually do all that in the wee hours, they usually wake up. Just one more thing I like about the new house! The bedrooms are all off the living room, but the far corners of the family room. The only wall that backs to anything that may be noisy is Hunter's. One of his walls is against where the entertainment center will be. But once he is asleep he is out solid until early morning. So I guess I will go to bed and finish cleaning the kitchen in the morning when I want them awake!

The Princess in her chair 3/27/07

The Princess in her chair 3/27/07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Alexa had a recheck for her ears today, all is well. We went to the mall to check out a few things and meet up with Greta for lunch. Alexa found this chair in one of the stores. It is a bit big for her yet, but she sure fits the "princess" part! It was fun to have a girls only day!

More Chances..

A friend once told me she noticed a pattern with my three older children. She said it took an average of 5 times for them to do something I told them to do. Because by the fifth time I was aggravated and my tone changed. When I got mad they knew I meant business.
The other day Hunter got in trouble for trying to hit Tristan with the door of the pirate ship playhouse out back. Tristan was bent over picking up his spilled marshmallows. I caught Hunter trying to shut the door hard enough to "accidentally" hit Tristan. He did it more than once before I stopped him. He did not succeed, but the fact that he tried really upset me. I put him in time out and told him I was done with him for the day. He got very upset and cried. "But Mom, you didn't give me more chances!" I usually give him a 3 strikes warning. I will tell him he has used all his chances for the day, and the next problem will be it, I'm done. He was so upset that he didn't get "more chances". I told him since he tried to hurt Tristan more than once, he didn't get any more chances, and that wasn't the only problem that day.
Chad & I have been having a "more chances" issue as well. Wether they are 6 or 20, they think there should always be more chances. I wish life worked that way! But it doesn't. You would think after the first 3 kids I would have a handle on this parenting thing. There is irony in the fact that I don't, but I do have "more chances"..

The Sunny Side..

Now here are some highlights from the week;
*Tristan dancing & saying "shake it, shake it" when he saw a hula skirt on Santa in a book we were reading..have no idea where he got that!
*The twins using the signs and words for "I Love You" randomly throughout the day.
*Playing "My Baby" with the kids while laying on our king size bed. (You snuggle with them and say "My Baby", or My Alexa, Tristan, or Hunter" then the other grown up says.. "no My Baby, etc. and trys to pull them away from the other person. They all love doing that and keep going back for more.)
* Watching them all play when they don't know you are looking and seeing them do something loving, or nice for the other.
* Having Alexa sit on my lap and do eskimo kisses.

No Full Moon.. so What's Up?!

Perfect example.. this is the fourth time I am trying to publish this post, it dumps it, erases it, and I have to start over!
Things have been like that all week, I try to get things done, and run into major glitches. I checked the moon phases to see if it was a full moon, no luck.
Here are just a few things the kids have been into this week;
*Hunter pulled the breaker on the AC unit outside. (came home to 80 degrees inside!)
*Tristan dumped out Brian's contact lenses.
*Hunter knocked over and broke a jar of queso cheese dip when he snuck into the pantry in the middle of the night or wee hours of the morning, quite the mess!
*Tristan or Hunter (both were pushing buttons while I buckled in Alexa) changed my temperature display in my car to Celsius, even the book can't tell me how to get it back to Fahrenheit!
*All of them have been bickering and arguing more.
I have to wonder what phase my life is going through since I can't blame the moon!

Not Fair..

It seems Kierra's accident, her death is so "in my face" the past few days. I think of it every day, I think of her every day, but that isn't quite the same as someone else putting it in front of me. It is hard to explain, even harder to deal with. Today we got a letter from the clerk of the court in St. John's County addressed to Kierra. It was informing her of a possible suspension of her driver's license! It said in July of 2005 she got a ticket for not having her driver's license with her while driving. She must have been given a warning for whatever she was stopped for, but they ticketed her for not having her driver's license on her at the time. Anyway, 19months later she gets this letter in the mail, 16 months after her death. If they bothered to check her license online they would have seen it lists her as deceased. What really bugged me was this is the first notice they have sent her on it, we have never gotten anything else. Brian called and straightened it out. He shouldn't have had to do that. To have to explain when and how she died, again, and again. Using Tristan's new favorite phrase, it's "not fair!"

Why I Blog..

I am fortunate to have ALOT of people in my life. Near and far. Friends, family, aquaintances, and everything in between. That has added to alot of life experiences. Add to that.. I am a VERY opinionated person (you should already know that!). So there are times I do not necessarily agree with each and everyone of those people. It is what it is. This is not only a way for me to keep in touch, it is also my journal, my way of letting things out. I do not, and have never, expected everyone to agree with me or like what I say. I believe I have said before that I make no promises about what I will say, or what this is about. Reading this is not required to be part of my life. I have a few people very close to me who do not read it at all. If you choose to read, do so at your own risk. Things I say might bother you. They may make you sad, mad, or sometimes they might make you laugh. I will not rationalize or justify what I have to say. (You should know that about me already too!) This is my life.. good, bad, or indifferent. Walk along with me, or drop in once in a while.. as in everything in life.. your choice.

Our couch sleeps 3!

I couldn't get a picture because it is too dark, but Tristan is on one end of the long section of our couch. Just a few inches past his outstretched toes you will find Alexa's toes. She stretches to the end of that section. Then there is a short section ending with a recliner. That is my section since that is the only space left! They have moved to taking over the couch instead of our bed. Of course they want me with them. Now sometimes I am already there, since I have a tendency to fall asleep on the couch, but even when I am not, Tristan will climb up, usually turn on the TV and then falls back to sleep. Alexa goes to wherever I am, or sometimes bypasses me on the couch and takes over my space in my bed if Brian is there. I know there will be some issues to get them back in the habit of sleeping in their own beds.. as well as in their own rooms. Of course now I have been up since 2 am. I fell asleep on the couch about 11. Alexa woke me up, then Tristan wasn't far behind. I realized the trash hadn't been taken down to the street, (Chad's job) so I emptied all the cans in the house, took trash & recyclables down to the street, cleaned most of the kitchen, started the dishwasher, read my book for a while, and here I am. Tomorrow is a stay at home day, no appointments, so maybe we can have a pajama day and take it easy.. I'll let you know how that works out for me!

2 out of 150..

Okay, Brianne finally updated her blog and it is about how forgetful her thyroid problem has made her. That solves my life long problem with forgetting things.. she got it from me!! Anywho, while blogging yesterday I could not remember what else I had wanted to blog about. I try to get on the computer often enough to get things down before I "forget". Greta & I spent some time today doing pottery. It was a good time. She asked if I had blogged about an incident at the ranch while we were there. I had forgotten all about it, so here it is...

Greta used to ride alot with one of her friends when she was younger, (LOL, much younger!). She has not ridden in many years. I was proud of her for getting back on. She rode Heiffer the first morning, then she spent the afternoon at the hotel with the kids. Then Sunday morning she stayed with the kids, then we took them to the ranch to have lunch, meet up with their parents and let them ride in the arena a little. Everyone seemed to have a good time. Greta got to ride Sally for our final ride of the weekend. We went through the pasture and the woods, then took the long way through the trails. We were just coming down a hill to the last stretch before the main trail when I noticed a familiar black rump, along with a painteron rump I am not so fond of.. Our filly, Tortuga, and her partner in crime, Walker. No horses are supposed to roam loose in the trails. There are gates to keep them out. Somehow those two snuck in while someone was trying to close the gate, or the gate got left open for awhile. They are not followers, trust me, I tried to get them to follow, no go, so I called Marei on my cell phone to let her know some horses had gotten past the gate. The signal was lousy and it went to voice mail, so we headed back to the barn to get help. We saw Blaine coming in on our way out and he said Marei sent him to get them, so she got my message. I offered to help, but he said they had it handled.

Of 150 horses on the property, mine is the one who gets through the gate! And I am the one to find her! Greta & Blaine had a fun time giving me heck about it back at the barn. They are good people. I don't know how I will ever find another place as good as there for my horses. Tortuga is going to be going out to a side pasture with the other yearlings for the summer. Nice fresh, new grass. And no trails to sneak into!!

"well, Kierra didn't.."

There are times I am at odds about what to blog and what not to blog. But this has been on my mind alot. I haven't gotten into the details of Kierra's accident very often. One, because it doesn't change anything. Two, it isn't pleasant to talk about. But over last weekend Greta & I went to Georgia to visit the horses and see Katie & Cody. (A very good weekend!) They spent Sat. night with us and we went to the mall and the movies. Katie & I, & Greta got in a debate about wearing a seatbelt while driving accross the parking lot. We told her she had to wear it, it was the safe thing to do.. that didn't convince her, so we told her it was the law, if she didn't wear it, she would be breaking the law.
Her response was " well Kierra didn't". It took me a full second or two to absorb that she had actually said it, then I replied," and what happened to her Katie?" Katie said "She died." I told her that was right and we wouldn't want anything like that to happen to her. That it should make her think about it, not brag about it. Greta was speechless. Katie, along with alot of us, speaks before she thinks and blurts out whatever comes to mind.
What really struck me was that obviously someone grown up used the example with her at one time or another. Brian's niece had blogged about the same thing on her my space just after Kierra died. Her words were "i just wish she had worn her seatbelt...things would have turned out so much differently if she had..". That has bothered me alot, but I never addressed it.
Kids believe what they hear. So I wish along with the seat belt issue, which we will never know would have mattered, they would have been reminded that the cause of her death was being run off the road by an angry man. Had he not done that, the rest wouldn't have happened, with, or without, a seatbelt. There were alot of contributing factors that day. It bugs me to have the seatbelt be what these kids remember about it. Grownups tend to use scare tactics to convince their kids to do what they should, I feel like Kierra's death should mean more than that. That is my own personal opinion, so don't blast me with seatbelt statistics, and your opinion of wether or not Kierra would have been killed. We paid professional experts to analyze the accident and know more than we ever wanted to. We know the force of the impact and the damage it caused, so don't assume to know what may have saved her life. Nothing did, and that will never change.

Mixed emotions..

I have often referred to my life as a roller coaster, ups & downs, both thrilling and fearful. Just when I think it is slowing down to stop, it plummets without warning. That is how I am feeling about the new house. I am so excited to have a new space, and the space we need. To have a fresh start for all of us. The flip side of that is leaving the other house, the life we have here. I know it's just down the road, but it really is another world in so many ways. I am a little fearful. The whole "waiting for the other shoe to drop". I am working on not doing that, but it creeps in from time to time anyway.
Brian & I went shopping for the kid's furniture for their rooms. The twins are out of their toddler beds, so..We are getting Alexa the bed Kierra picked out when she was just a baby. It is the Cinderella pumpkin coach princess bed at Rooms to Go. We are getting it in a full size so when she gets older she can take the canopy off and still have a beautiful sleigh type bed that she can use. It won't hurt to have the bigger bed when I have to lay down with her from time to time either!
Tristan is getting a Disney Cars bed, and Hunter is getting a Buzz Lightyear bunk bed. Yes, they are spoiled. Believe me, I know it. I kept thinking what Kierra would pick for them. What would she want for them? I do that with almost every decision I make for them. Big & little.
I do that with myself too. What would she say, what would she think? It doesn't always change what I decide, but I guess it keeps her with me, keeps her a part of it all.
Sometimes I can just pretend she is busy with her own life and not gone. Brianne is so busy with work, school, church, & just the demands of every day life. I don't get to see her as often as I would like and we don't get the chance to do much one on one. I maybe get to talk to her once or twice a week. Chad is in his own little world too. So sometimes it isn't so hard to pretend. I busy myself with the demands of life and it fades just a little. Then I think.. I can't wait to tell her about this or that.. .and it's back.
So I am excited about the new house and the move, I just wish she were here to be a part of it.

The Great Shoe Hunt..

Today was busier day than I expected. Brian was home sick. So sick he called into work. This is maybe the 2nd time in over 11 years he has called in sick, which means he was really, really sick. It is some stomach virus so we are all staying away from him! So I took the twins to the mall, met Greta for lunch, then walked to the other end, shopping along the way of course! I let them play on the indoor playground for awhile, but there were ALOT of kids. We shopped our way back to the end of the mall we parked at and got loaded into the car in time to go get Hunter from school. That is when I noticed only one shoe. Alexa had lost one of her purple kid's crocs. There was no way for me to go back right then and find it. So I picked up Hunter, took the twin's to daycare, took Hunter to karate, then He & I went to the mall and retraced my earlier steps. I had even called the stores and the mall.. no luck, no one saw it. We finally found it at the playgroyund. Hunter said he could smell it. Whatever works.. at least we found the shoe!

Alexa on Happy meds

Alexa on Happy meds
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

This was just before her surgery on Friday. She was done & on the way home by 9:30. She was just having the ear tubes put in so she didn't have to have an IV or Airway Tube, she had more gas anesthesia. So the after effects were more than Tristan's. She was fussy and groggy for a while. Then by afternoon she was running & playing again. Today (Sat.) you wouldn't have known she had anything done!

Whose Bed is it Anyway?!

We have been fighting the ages long battle of kids crawling into our bed in the middle of the night. It started about a week ago. When we first moved to this rental it was unbelievable how easily they went to bed for the first couple weeks. No TV, no fuss. They slept through the night. That has slowly changed. The other night I announced it was time to get ready for bed. Alexa put on her best pouty face and moaned pathetically, "Noooooo, not bed". I told her yes, it was time for bed. She pointed to my room and said "that bed", I responded with no, not that bed, your bed. She came back with "not my bed, your bed". I told her she was not sleeping in my bed, she had her own bed. She pointed to my room and said "My bed!" I, of course, laid claim and said no, my bed! That is when she got me... she looked up out of the top of her eyes, I swear she smirked.... and told me..... SHARE! You see, I have been saying that to her & Tristan alot lately when they get in a "mine" match. And no matter who the toy belongs to, they are supposed to share. I fell right into her trap about whose bed it was. It was very hard not to laugh as I took her pouty, mad, too damn smart, little body to her own bed. We don't win the battle every night. I am sure it will be easier when they are in their own rooms and not waking each other off & on all night. Then maybe they won't wake me off & on all night either!

The smell of defeat...White Cheddar Popcorn!

Alexa was supposed to have tubes put in her ears today. Supposed to.. which means it didn't happen. Everything was set.. no food after midnight, only clear fluids til 5:30am. Nothing after that. Nothing until I left the room to pee! Tristan & Alexa were on the couch watching the Disney Channel. I mistakenly thought they would stay there for the 30 seconds I needed to go potty. I know this is TMI, but I was... in the middle of what I needed to do.. mere seconds.. and I heard the pantry door open. I yelled at them and for Brian. They ignored me and he didn't hear me. I finished the best I could and came out of the bathroom pulling things up as I went.
And there they both were.. hands holding the evidence, more evidence on the floor. I held a small glimmer of hope that Alexa didn't have any in her mouth. She didn't, but her breath smelled just like their favorite snack.. and guiltily mine too... white cheddar popcorn. So no surgery today due to risk of aspiration during anethesia. They tried not to laugh when I called to let them know, and she is rescheduled for Friday. There will be no popcorn in the house.. and I will not be taking any potty breaks until they have her sedated!

Bridge to Terabithia

Okay, I should know by now not to go by previews alone. I thought this movie looked like a good movie for Hunter & I to go to. He liked Narnia, and the previews did not give me cause for concern. I hadn't run into anyone who had seen it yet, so yesterday Hunter and I had a date and we went to see it. The tragic twist in the tale shocked me. I couldn't help but cry. Hunter touched my hand and said, "Mom.. it's okay, Terabithia is magic.. it is in Jessie's imagination. When he goes back, she will be there, she will always be in his imagination, like Kierra is in mine." I so hoped he was right. But he wasn't. And when the girl wasn't in Terabithia Hunter was devestated. He told me that movies are supposed to have happy endings. How could it end that way? I tried my best to explain. Hunter then told me.. "Mom, first the movie ended all wrong and now I am disappointed again..you are supposed to know everything!" My heart broke. I hate movies like that! Message in a bottle, City of Angels, Pay it Forward, Steele Magnolias..ugh! I don't mind a tear jerker now & then.. but leave my heart in one piece! Then on the way home Hunter told me he wants the movie on DVD. I asked him why he would want such a sad movie?? He sighed as if disappointed again that I didn't already know the answer.. and said that if he watched it again maybe he would understand it better and he would get used to the sad parts. I told him we would see, that I didn't want to be that sad again. He told me that we get that sad alot about Kierra and he really wanted to know why the girl didn't stay in Jessie's imagination. I think he is worried Kierra won't stay in his. I told him the movie only shows some of his imagination, and is only a short period of time. And it is a story, not real. He, Hunter is real, and his feelings and thoughts are real. That is different than a movie. That seemed to appease him, but I am sure there are more discussions in our future. There should be warnings on movies like that.. Kleenex meter= a whole box!

Our Karate Kid!

Our Karate Kid!
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Hunter just graduated to his camouflage belt in Karate. I am amazed at what he learns and remembers. He has settled in and seems to enjoy it. We are very proud of him!

Tristan zonked out!

Tristan zonked out! 2 23 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Alexa zonked out!

Alexa zonked out! 2 23 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Playing Outdoors

Kids 2 23 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

I finally moved the kids outdoor stuff over to the rental. This is their playhouse. They also have a pirate ship, slide, and picnic table. It was too hard to move the big fort/swingset. That will have to wait for the move to the new house! I put it all on the patio just outside the sliding doors off the living room. They played all day! I had to make them come in while I went to get Hunter from school so Chad could watch them, and they both zonked out on the couch and slept for almost 2 hours! Now that is a good day..

Thank You!

I am fortunate that Hunter is considered the most polite child in his class. The twins also get praised at their speech therapy and different appointments for always saying Thank You. We were in Publix the other day and they all got a free cookie from the bakery. They all said Thank you. The woman said she was amazed that they did that on their own. She gives out cookies all day long, and not even the parents bother to say thank you. I told her it was something I taught them from before they could even speak. She asked, "how do you teach them that so young?" I told her I said thank you when I gave them things, and I tell them thank you when they do something I ask of them. Like sitting down at the Dr.'s office, or picking up a toy. She said she really appreciated being thanked even if it was just for giving them a cookie. That got me to thinking. Do I say Thank You as often as I expect the kids to? So I have made a real effort this week to do that. Again at Publix I went down an aisle and a young man was stocking shelves. He saw me coming and immediately started moving the boxes he was emptying. I told him not to worry about it, there was plenty of room for me to go around. Then I turned to him and said, "By the way.. thank you for keeping groceries on the shelves. That's hard work, and without it I couldn't feed my family. You have a great day." He thanked me and told me he hadn't been thanked like that since he went up to help during hurricane Katrina. I told him it was a shame we all take each other for granted. I told an older man "Thank You for your time, I really appreciate it." when he made me a sandwich at Publix today. (Boy I go to Puiblix alot! I have thanked other people too!) He told me to come back anytime and he would keep me stocked in extra pickles! It made us both smile. How hard was that? I am proud of the kids for being thankful, and I will try to be more thankful myself. So.. "Thank You!", to you all for taking the time to be interested in our lives. Have a great day!

More pix..

There are more "New House" pix on flickr, so just click on the pic of the house below and it will take you there, then click the "browse" button to the right and you can view all my pictures! The kitchen and breakfast nook floor are being replaced with tile, and the kitchen counters are being replaced with quartz, will update pix when that is done. Amazing the incentives they give to sell a house!

Lost & Found

New House
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Today I got lost looking at houses. That is how I found our new house! It is everything we need and more. It has a big yard and it is right around the corner form the pool & playground. I'll have more pix and info later. We should move about the first of April.

Topsy Turvy

That's how things are right now. Topsy Turvy, aka sticker shock, aka reality check. The final numbers came back for the renovation. We expected it to be a bit higher because we wanted some extra work done. It was way, way higher than we expected. So we talked about cutting it back, paring it down to bare bones and see what those numbers are. Brian went to work last night and thought about it some more, looked up houses and today we went house hunting. We aren't locked into the renovation yet, and it would wipe out everything we have to do it. We had the best of intentions. We really like our neighborhood, etc. If the $$ had been more within our range we would move forward. The pre estimates were do-able, the final costs are not. We looked at houses today that have more square footage than ours would have even after the renovation. We would still have money in the bank. The plus side to being out of our house already is that we can get it cleaned up, painted, and get it on the market. It will sell better without us in it, crowded to the hilt! We bought it at a much lower price than it's current value, so we can afford to price it lower to sell fast. So at the moment everything is all upside down. The best option so far is further south in St. John's County, just north of St. Augustine. So I am pulling my hair out, trying to look at the "up" side to all this.

Bits & Pieces..

I still have alot of things to sort and pack at the old house. It has been an emotional rollercoaster to go through some of it. I am packing away some things that have become part of my everyday reminders of Kie. I have kept out the important ones, and tenderly wrapped and packed the others. The things that I prepared myself to deal with were easier than I thought. It was the little things that I didn't expect that surprised me more.
I didn't really think ahead about moving Kierra's ashes. I have dusted and touched the dolphins often. So I didn't expect the jolt I felt when I lifted it in my arms to carry her out of the room. It struck me that I was holding her in my arms. Almost as I did when she was a baby. That this was the only way I would ever hold her again. It was an emotionally devestating moment. I got through it. Set the Urn down in the other room.. went outside by myself and cryed my eyes out. The rest will be easy...right?

Sick of the sickness!!

Ok, the kids are at the tail end of sick. Brian is sick with some crappy crud, and my doc tells me today that I have pneumonia. Not just the "walking" kind that isn't full blown and easily cured. That would be too easy. I keep inflaming my lungs with all the dust and stuff at the old house. I have to do breathing treatments and heavy antibiotics and doped up decongestants. Of course I am suppose to get lots of rest and not overdo. yea right. It seems like we are constantly on a sickness merry-go-round. The kids take vitamins, we use all the sanitizers, lysol wipes, etc. So what else can I do? Tristan's surgery is supposed to help with his ear infections and colds. He just got over being sick, so not sure how well that is working yet! My doc says my biggest issue is not enough sleep. I don't always take my thyroid meds and I almost never take any vitamins or immunity boosters. I can know that, and I can set up my little daily med tray so I can take them, but I don't know how to keep it all on track when a dozen other things get in the way. I am tired of sick and tired!

A Lot of Little Notes...

There are several things to blog on, but rather than do one mass ramble, I will do them on their own.
The weekend was good. Barney developed an abcess on the "frog" of his hoof. So he is "lame" for the duration of treatment & healing.. maybe a couple weeks. He may have gotten a stone stuck, or stepped on something out in pasture. So I rode Marge, Tortuga's Mom. Then I rode Heiffer.. who is a true heiffer(cow). which in German would be Gross Coo...Big Cow. There was a German gentleman, Fred, who wanted to ride with us rather than the large group. He taught us some German and we taught him some English. Then Sunday I rode Sally.. who would not lead. I missed my "Dream" boy! Altho Barney can be a little hard headed, he is such a great ride. It makes it very hard for me to ride another horse. They just don't seem to measure up. The only other horse there who comes close is Cracker, and she is not usually available except to guides. I won't get back up there til the first of March, so Barney should be better by then.

How can I ever repay this kind of friendship?

I have many great friends. I love them all. I am giving Kudos to Terri & Dwight right now. They are watching the twins this weekend while I am up at the ranch in Ga. I just found out both Tristan & Alexa have been running fevers and have alternated sleeping & being cranky.. not at the same time! Tristan was having an issue with his adenoids (well, where his adenoids were) and Alexa has upcoming ear surgery the 28th, so they both are on antibiotics, but don't usually run fevers when they are sick. I don't know many people who wouldn't have been on the phone right away for me to come get my sick, cranky kids. I only have a select few people who will watch them for more than a day even when they are well! So a huge Thank You to Terri & Dwight who have alot of other things going on right now and really did not need sick babies added to it.
I have had a flare up with my asthmatic Bronchitis due to all the dust and dirt from the move, and was pretty bad with it before I left. While Terri has been going with almost no sleep, I have been able to get more rest than at home. So my gratitude is two fold! I don't know how I would have managed. When I wonder how I will ever get through this, how I will manage to raise these children in addition to Hunter and all that goes on in our everyday lives, I remind myself .. this is how, with the help and love of our friends and family. I am nothing without you all. Thank You!

Too Busy to Wear My Own Underwear!

This may be considered too much information, but it is true! We are living in the rental now and still have odds and ends to move, pack, or get rid of. I made sure the kids have all the essentials, and I made sure Brian had what he needed. I threw some things in a suitcase for me, but realized this morning that the suitcase is still at the other house. Normally I would have gone commando..(I know, TMI again!).. but it was too cold. So I did what any rushed, tired, crazed woman would do.. I stole a pair of my husbands britches. I must say mine are more comfortable! I made sure the suitcase got moved to the rental and I will be back in my own drawers tomorrow.

The Birthday..

We (I) made the big push to get moved over the weekend. We took a break Sunday to celebrate the twin's birthday at Ollie Koala's. They had a blast as usual. Good friends, Good Fun. We kept it low key this year. Only a few people called or e-mailed to see what the plans were. I didn't feel right advertising it on the blog. The people who have been here all along were there, except for a few special people who couldn't make it. Alex called from Iraq & left a message, which is still hard to deal with, but at least he called. He sent them cards and some stuffed Eeyores. I may have to deal with him when he gets back at the end of the year, so I will save those worries for another day. They enjoyed their day and got lots of cool stuff, even though I told everyone they have too much already! They got a snow cone machine and woke up the next morning wanting snow cones for breakfast! They didn't get the snow cones, but they sure were persistent. I think they may be a tad bit spoiled! But that is what it all boils down too.. the happy moments.

Kie & babies Feb. 4, 2004

Kie & babies Feb. 4, 2004
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Hard to imagine it has been 3 years already. Even harder to imagine that she really isn't here to celebrate with them.. We have been teaching Tristan & Alexa to say Happy Birthday, and Alexa will only say "Birthday!" I want it to be Happy for them. It is such a bittersweet day for me. Happy Birthday Babies!

Kids Feb 2 07

Kids Feb 2 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

It's that time of year again. I swear it takes years off my life to go through the craziness of getting their pictures taken. I make sure we get the same photographers that have always taken their pictures, so that helps. We did get more good shots to choose from than usual since they are older now and do follow directions (somewhat!).
As usual, click on the pic and go to the gallery to see the rest of the pictures. They are all adorable!!

My Son's many questions..

I am used to the questions "Why is the sky blue? How does the grass grow? Where did I come from? Why do Girls pee sitting down? Why do you & Daddy sleep in the same bed? If food smells good, why does poop smell so bad? "
I am not used to the questions "If God took Kierra to Heaven, why can't he bring her back? Why did that man have to kill my sister? What if one day I close my eyes and I can't see her anymore? Why would God want us to hurt so bad? How can I think of the happy times with Kierra when her being dead makes me so sad? Can I stay 5 years old, not have my birthday, and not grow up? That way I won't have to get older and die, you & daddy won't get older and die.. no one else will have to die, okay?"
I do the best I can, but even I don't have all the answers..

The Sound a Hug Makes..

Today was crazy. The weather was freezing, Hunter had a field trip I had to pack a lunch for, and Tristan & Alexa both had speech therapy starting at 9 am. We got through it and were heading back to our own side of town when we passed one of the playgrounds we usually go to. I was on the phone with Terri and out of the blue Tristan started screaming.. not a whine, or a yell.. a scream. Alexa soon joined in. They wanted to play. There was no way to explain it was too cold. I took them to the mall to play at the indoor playground and that seemed to appease them.
On our way to pick Chad up from school Brian called me to see how our morning went. They know the special ring I have on my phone for him so they wanted to talk. I put him on speaker phone so they could talk too. It was so funny. They were both talking at once. Then Tristan yelled.. "Papa, Papa.. Unh Unh Unh!" (it's hard to put into a word.. it's like the sound you make when you give someone a bear hug.) It was too cute. Hunter gives phone hugs all the time, and he gives the twins hugs like that when he gets out of the car for school. Tristan hadn't done it before. Despite the hectic morning and the sounds of whining, crying, and yelling that were in abundance, that sound made the rest seem insignificant.. you just can't beat the sound a hug makes.

Bodily Functions..

Tristan has become an organic artist like his sister! He did it to Brenda a couple weeks ago when she watched the kids, and he did it to Brian today before I got home! One of the first orders of business in the rental will be potty training! The floors are all tile throughout the house, so any accidents will be easier to clean up. Our previous attempts failed and the Dr. reccomended waiting til after the Holidays. I have bought a dozen pairs of underwear for each of them, so we aren't going to do pull-ups except for bedtime.
Tristan seems to be doing very well with his recovery. The doc warned us that his nose/mouth would get a funky smell as his adenoids healed. He was right! He gave us some herbal drops to use in his nose to help, so I am going to try it in the morning.
Alexa is going to the ENT doc on Wed. so we will see what she has going on. She starts speech therapy this week too. She "talks" more than Tristan, but it is harder to understand. She makes up her own words and sometimes only says partial words. Tristan is speaking more and much clearer. So hard to believe they will be 3 next week!

Chasing the Wind..

This morning was cold, grey, and windy. It was almost like something out of an old Alfred Hitchcock movie as I rode through the woods surrounded by barren trees with the wind howling around us and a hawk flying overhead. Even Barney was a little jumpy until we got to a spot where he could run and release some of the tension we both had pent up. To be on a horse who can run like the wind is one of the most exhilerating things I have ever done. It is the most liberating feeling. I enjoy riding him even when we just take a liesurely walk. I think this morning we both needed to let our spirits run free for a few minutes. We walked throughout the pasture to cool down afterward. I took him back to the barn and got all his tack put away, gave him several treats, then let him out into the pasture to roam for the afternoon. He pranced and ran out accross the field. He is beautiful to watch. Tortuga is so gangly she has an awkward gait when she runs. That will smooth out as she grows into her long legs and growing body. I spend time working with her, grooming her. We have a long way to go with her and I want to be sure she is used to being handled. I imagine I will enjoy chasing the wind with her too!

A Breath of Fresh Air..

It was cool, crisp and quiet this morning as my horse & I journeyed through the woods. We came accross a group of deer, a fox, and several squirrels. I wasn't thinking of anything in particular, just enjoying the tranquility of it all. And then with a rush of air, I "felt" her. It was as if Kierra was there. I can't describe it. I was enveloped in both joy & sorrow. Joy at the familiar "feel" of her, sorrow at the intense feeling of missing her, losing her. And just as quickly it was gone. I have never felt anything like that before. It is hard to put into words. I have had similar sensations in my dreams, but never a clear memory of the dream. This was wide awake in the light of day. It was beautiful, and even now brings me a bittersweet smile. Call it what you will.. for me, it was a breath of fresh air...

Playtime

Playtime
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

We stopped by the park today between appointments so Tristan & Alexa could use up some of their boundless energy. (It worked, they are taking a nap!) They climb like monkeys and have no fear! Click on this (or any photo) and you can view more pictures in my Flickr photo gallery.

Kissing Boo-Boos

Is it really as easy as it seems? Tristan & Alexa immediately come to me to kiss their boo-boos when they get hurt. Sometimes they even have real tears running down their faces. I kiss the boo-boo, and presto.. all better, they even stop crying. Tristan has a bruise on his hand from his IV during surgery and everyday he says "owie" and asks me to kiss it. I do and he goes off to play and forgets all about it until the next day and we do it again. Hunter did the same thing when he was younger. He saves it for really bad boo-boos now.
Why don't we heal that easy when we grow up? Do we stop believing in the healing power of love? Do we stop trusting that someone else can make us feel better? I wish our hurts could be healed so easily. I wish a simple kiss could erase it all away. I wish I had the unwavering faith of a child again. I am so full of wishes....

Running Ragged

Tristan is doing really well. Other than Alexa hitting him on the side of the head and making his ear bleed, he has been feeling good and had no signs of even having the surgery. So I have had my hands full of the two of them and all their various appointments. Alexa has a speech therapy evaluation tomorrow and she sees the ENT doc next week. She has an ear infection that won't heal and has had a runny nose for 2 months that none of the meds seem to relieve. I feel like I am almost living in the car!
Chad has classes at FCCJ this week and next so I drop him before I take Hunter to school. I make the twins appointments for 9 am so I can go to those as soon as I get Hunter dropped off. In between all that I am still sorting and packing. I feel like I am on a treadmill going no where!
I am trying to plan a trip up to the ranch this weekend.. all by myself! We'll see if that happens or not.
Now I am off to pick Hunter up from school. He has a peach fuzz haircut now because he took a pair of my sewing scissors and cut his hair in front.. very short, so now all his hair is that short. He also cut up a pair of pajamas, cut slits in a sheet, a blanket, & a pillow. He seems to always be up to something. All the change and chaos is hard for all of us, but the kids have a harder time expressing themselves. I guess that was his version of paper dolls! I'll catch up on more later.

Tristan after SX

Tristan after SX
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Tristan on happy meds

Tristan on happy meds
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Recovery going great..

Tristan did great and is at home sound asleep. He hasn't slept since his surgery this morning, so it is good for him to finally let go. I think the pain med hypes him up rather than relaxes him. He woke up quick after surgery and was drinking and eating well in no time so they let him come home. I think he fared better than we did! I will post a couple pix of him before surgery when he was on the "happy meds". I want some!!

Surgery Day.. (again)

In just a few minutes I will wake Tristan up to get him ready to go to the hospital for his surgery. We have to be there by 6:15 am for his 7:30 surgery. It is scary. I couldn't sleep even my usual few hours. I have to give him an albuterol treatment beforehand to help keep his lungs clear. He is going to be mad between the treatment and no eating or drinking. What a great way to start the day! He will stay overnight, so we will be back home Saturday, hopefully in the morning. I will blog if I can get an internet connection. If not I will catch everyone up asap. It will be strange for Tristan & Alexa to spend the night away from each other. That has only happened once or twice since Tristan came home from the NICU when they were 11 days old. So say a prayer for a speedy recovery and off we go!

Home again, Home again..

It was a great weekend. Brian rode Buzz, Barney, & Claire. The weather and the horses were awesome. I kept walking away with Marei & Conny's barn keys, so they finally gave me a key of my own! We picked up the mantle before heading home and had lunch in Madison. We had some good talks while we rode horses. There are so many changes going on. We watch friends & family and the changes their relationships go through and it scares me. Brian & I talked about that too and it helps to know neither one of us feels like we would want to be any where else. We can't change what has happened and we can't change the pain that causes, but we know each other and we comfort each other and we lean on each other whenever we need to. And we love each other and that will get us through. Now we are back home and life sweeps us away again. Alot going on and alot to do. I'll try to keep up!

A Break from Blogland

(From Friday, Jan. 12)
Brian & I are on our way to the ranch. Actually we will stay in town, the ranch was booked up this weekend. It is just the two of us.. How cool is that!? We are going to pick up a fireplace mantle I bought in Madison when Nancy went up with me about a month ago. They held it for me until I could get a big enough truck or trailer to pick it up. Dwight let us borrow his trailer so here we are, driving down the highway. I am actually typing this in Microsoft works and I will copy & paste it later. That was a lot of useless info wasn’t it?
Brian will get to meet the horses and we will get some quality time.. Alone! So I may not blog much this weekend. We’ll get home Sunday night, so I should be back to blogland by Monday. TTFN

The Other Side of Fear

(From yesterday, Friday, Jan. 12)
I noticed a girl at the gas station today. At first I thought “Kierra was that girl“.. That age, that look. Then I thought.. “ Hell, I was that girl, once upon a time.” I thought of Kierra’s life. The places she’d been, things she had done. I thought of my life, the same places, same things. I thought of all she didn’t get to do. I thought of all the things I won’t do with her. I saw a bridal magazine at the grocery store, and I thought of the gazebo in Tennessee all covered with flowers. I don’t call upon these thoughts, and I don’t sit for hours dwelling on them.. It is a flash of a second, beyond my control.
When I saw that girl at the gas station I don’t know what it was that triggered the thoughts of Kierra. I see young women all the time and don‘t always think of her. It just happens at random times. I watched the girl drive away and I thought.. Be safe, be happy.
Then I think… hmm, happy, what is that? I wonder sometimes when the other shoe will drop. Quite the pessimist aren’t I? I wonder when something bad will happen again. Don’t say it won’t.. you don’t know that. My life was good, things were going well, we were happy. And in a blink of an eye it changed. Things are busy, sometimes overwhelming. But even with all the moving, Tristan’s surgery, all the everyday chaos.. Things are at a level of good. See, I feel guilty saying that. I am afraid. I look out at an uncertain world. I know that is what life is. I know that it is the same for everyone, everywhere. No one knows what tomorrow will bring. When I was that young girl I saw today, I was afraid. I was uncertain of my life and what was ahead of me. Now here I am, having lived through love, life, loss, and still I am afraid. But the difference is.. Now I know on the other side of fear is courage. Courage to live, love, and sometimes lose the ones you love. I can’t say it has made me stronger, but it has shown me I do have strength, and the courage to face tomorrow. My fear will not consume me, my courage will consume my fear.

Alexa weighs more than Tristan!

They have both been to the Dr. this week and Alexa weighs 30 lbs, is 37 1/4 inches tall. Tristan weighs 28 1/2 lbs and is 37 inches tall. She has been eating alot better, and he has slacked off on eating everything in sight.

Tristan is doing good with Speech Therapy. When he does talk it is really clear. Alexa has a referral for an evaluation for Speech Therapy now, since Tristan has been talking clearer we noticed Alexa doesn't speak as clear as we thought and she cuts off the ends of her words. Can't hurt to have her checked out. She also is going to an ENT Dr. for her chronic runny nose. Tristan may finally have his adenoid and ear tube surgery next Friday the 19th, if his lungs aren't congested.

I took down their toddler beds and will be putting them on twin mattresses for the rental. I am not setting up beds because the rental has hard tile floors and I can see Tristan jumping off and hitting his head. I also doubt 2 twin beds would fit very well in the small bedroom they will be sharing. We are thinking about full beds when we move back into the house and they have their own rooms. We'll see. I could not believe how filthy the cracks and crevices of their toddler beds were. It was so gross! I thought it would be a quick project. It took hours. I gave the beds to another set of boy/girl twins and I just couldn't take them dirty!

So much to do, so little time!!

Things they are a changin..

I have been so busy I hadn't taken the kids to the Applebees where Kierra worked in quite a while. Then I got a message from one of the guys she used to work with. Jan. 1st they closed it down, not enough business. I drove by today and it was shut down, signs gone & everything. It seems so out of whack. It was someplace to go where she was a part of. Some of her friends were there. It was like we were still sharing a part of her with them. Now they are gone. There are only 2 or 3 that I can get in touch with. I quit going by the hair salon where she worked because everyone there was new and no one knew who she was or who the twins are. It seems like the places she worked, the people she knew, are all gone. It feels so wrong to have those "connections" lost. But there are alot of connections lost with her "friends". I put that in quotations because I have a hard time believing they were all true friends. Some people use the term friend for people they barely know. I have friends I have known for almost 30 years. I can not imagine them just fading out of my kid's lives if something happened to me. But it is what it is and I will not chase people down or beg anyone to be part of their lives.

Places close down, people move, things change all the time. It just feels strange to lose those parts of her. Kierra's favorite restaraunt closed down too. I miss going where she liked to go, I miss going to where she worked and talking to the people she worked with. I miss her......

Renovation/ Rejuvenation

We have moved dozens of times over the years. It was a breeze in the Air Force.. they pack up everything, and I mean everything, even trash if you don't put it in a "No Pack" zone! The numerous times we have moved ourselves wasn't so easy, but was a great chance to do some spring cleaning and go through and get rid of stuff. We have been in this house for over 6 years. We had alot of stuff to begin with coming from a bigger space to a smaller one, and we have accumulated more. We are gearing up for a renovation to add an upstairs and rearrange a couple things down stairs. We have plans being finalized and have a rental that is right around the corner from our house. I have alot to sort through and pack. It will be like hotel living for about 6 months, but I keep telling myself it will be so worth it in the end. The goal is to be moved into the rental by Feb. 1st. Our mailing address & phone numbers will stay the same.

I think of all the times I have sorted toys and clothes. All the times I have packed away our lives and started over in a new home, a new place. It will be strange when the house is done. To move back into what was our home, will still be our home, just changed, different. Like the rest of our lives. So many changes, so many things that are different. The house will have fresh paint, a new look, be rejuvenated. It will be a fresh start, but I know the void will still be there. We move forward in the only way we know how. I will be busy, and busy is good. So let the packing begin!!

"TOO Much Fun!

The twin's last day at Terri & Dwight's was very eventful.. they "tattooed" each other. With a permanent green marker. I think they used a black one too, but the green was obviously the favorite. Tristan wrote more on Alexa than she wrote on him..I guess they were trying to be like Nana & Papa and have their own tattoos! So although fading.. they are still tattooed. They did it during Nap Time, so other than the artwork on each other they redecorated the inside of the closet door, part of the wall, and pulled everything out of the closet and trashed the entire room.. I will post pix when I get them from Terri.

Hunter couldn't wait to show me how he rides on Uncle Dwight's motorcycle. I am sure I have a few more gray hairs! Yet it was amazing how he knew how to put the helmet on & where the pegs were. He just climbed right on behind Dwight, grabbed on to him and held on tight. Dwight said he even leans into turns. I think that is good, I just know I am not ready for him to be into motorcycles, go karts, etc. But I guess it's coming!

I can see why the kids love going there. I am not sure how much more redecorating their house can take, but I know when the kids are with Terri & Dwight everything will be okay. And it helps me have less guilt when I go to the ranch without them if I know they are having fun... maybe next time they could just have a little less "fun" with the glitter & markers!

The Kid's Journal

Terri sent me this 12/30, so I thought I would share what the kids are up to while I am at the ranch!

Settling in. The twins spent most of the day playing in the play room, taking a bath, watching movies, and chasing Sophie. They napped from 1p-4p They had ravioli, apples and bread for dinner ( they love white bread? ) Cookies for desert. Bath at 7p and lights out at 8p. Lexie had a bad dream - ended up sleeping with us at 3am.

Hunter played in the jacuzzi, made "art" with glitter, glue and fingerpaint. The green glitter "somehow" made it into the jacuzzi. Dwight and Hunter built a ( 4 x 6 ) big fort with big sheets of cardboard. It has windows, a door that closes, cable TV, and a roof. Hunter made his own peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner with pudding for desert. Dwight and Hunter settled in bedtime at 9p in the fort but the floor was too hard for Uncle Dwight - he snuck out to his own bed at midnight.

Trottin Durty...

There is a rap song.. Ridin Dirty.. I am not a fan of it, but it is popular and on the radio alot. On our trip up here we stopped at a gas station and saw a real P.O.S. truck, (Piece Of Sh*t), on the front was the lettering "Ridin Durty". Brenda took a picture of it, and as we drove away she had me stop so she could get out and go check the spelling on it when I told her it was durty. So that has been the running joke.. talkin dirty, riding dirty, and trottin dirty.. with all the wet mud and dirt here because of the all the rain they have had, it has applied. The girls can take almost any song and apply horse back riding to it, it is too funny. It is their goal to groom and clean every horse they ride to a sparkly clean before they put them back in the paddock. There aren't enough rides in the day for them to make a big dent in the number of filthy horses, but they get an "A" for effort! By the time we leave there will be several horses that won't be trottin dirty!

Getting back on..

Sometimes that is half the battle when you fall off. I got tossed off Barney about a month ago. It was a minor fall, but scary none the less. I was out on the trails and got right back on and kept riding. I was not going to be bested by my own horse! I think it was the first actual day he was all mine! Well, Brenda took a fall yesterday. Not so minor. Her horse slipped in the wet dirt in the arena and fell to her knees which pitched Brenda forward.. face first.. hard and dirty. It was scary for her and all of us too. It was one of those things that there was no way to know it was going to happen. I didn't realize I could run that fast any more! I am so proud of Brenda and how well she handled it then, and after. We had planned on going to the movies last night and she still felt like going. She was quite the trooper. Then she was up and back on a horse this morning. I told her I still get a few butterflies in my stomach when Barney wants to run full out and I don't feel in full control. He pulled a few "High Ho Silvers" on me that day too, and I still get nervous when he sidesteps and tries to be the boss, which he did before he reared up on me before. It only happened that one day and right after that is when we found out he had a major bladder infection. So I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that he was in pain and that is why he acted up so much that day. He has done great since then. I am still careful & cautious!

Life is not without risk, not without fear. It can stop us in our tracks or help us move forward stronger and braver than we were before. I will go for the stronger and braver choice. And I am proud of Brenda for her choices too!

Gigglefest 2006/2007

That is what I am calling this visit to the ranch. Brianne, Brenda, and Savannah came with me this trip. You put 3 young women in a car for any extended amount of time.. and everything is funny, downright hilarious!! From Brenda & Savannah trying on the kid's riding helmets.. back wards, to their stories of previous adventures. People watching at the gas station... starving while waiting for our food at Cracker Barrel... burps, gas, and other strange notions and sounds.. all were accompanied by copious amounts of laughter.
Today started with "mole eyes" and bright light after very little sleep. We rode horses in the mud and mist. Very unhappy, not so well behaved horses in the mud and the mist. I am forced to mention Brenda confused my quarter horse, still saddled.. with her unsaddled Percheron when we were putting the horses back where they go. It was a momentary lapse, but funny none the less. Of course I have a few more days for memorable moments from Bri & Savannah as well! The girls played pool while waiting for lunch, then we did some people watching and evil villain planning.
Everyone was quite disappointed that it was raining more than misting for the afternoon ride, but when they found out they could ride if they wanted to, they were on it. I worked with Tortuga for a bit, then decided I really didn't want to get wet. So here I am in the warm, dry room, and they are getting wet out in the pasture with the horses....oh the quiet!
I am really enjoying them. I know I still enjoy getting together with my friends when I can. We have our gigglefests too. It is a universal language of friendship.. laughter, love, sharing. It is funny we can laugh with our friends about silly or embarrassing things, but if anyone else tried to kid us about the same things, we would bite their head off. I am glad they get to do this. They will go back home to their colleges, work, etc.. but they will have the fun and laughter of these memories to carry with them forever. I'll be sure to share more later! I have a few adventures of Hunter, Tristan & Alexa to share as well.. stay tuned!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TERRY MOORE!!

Today is my friend's birthday. This is the first time she hasn't celebrated it with me in 3 or 4 years. We met each other a very long time ago in St. Petersburg, FL. We have remained friends no matter how far away we lived from each other. We used to walk to the mall, and to the 7-11 for chocolate pies we would heat up in the microwave. We snuck out one night during a sleepover and months later told on ourselves because we were bragging to her sister and her mom heard us! I hit their mailbox, I argued with her sister. I wore dirty sneakers for cheerleading pictures..(her mom was sooo mad!) We may have liked the same boys at the same time, but never took one from each other... and NEVER had our boyfriend borrow our skates to skate with the other one of us...friends don't do that! We have a ton of fun stories and little jokes. My friends are my life preservers and I wouldn't do without any of them, so Thank You Terry.. and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

New Pix Posted

New Pictures.. check them out..

http://www.flickr.com/photos/40427330@N00/

I Lied..

I didn't even think before I did it, it just popped out of my mouth and there it was..

I told a young woman that I had a stroller I wasn't using and if she could use it, I would get it to her. I didn't have one at the time, but I did get her one. I was driving downtown coming home after going to the horse supply store. I noticed a woman walking with a stroller, a very decrepit stroller, with the wheels held on with some kind of wire. As I drove by I thought, " that really isn't safe". Then I thought about being a single mom with Kie and not having a stroller. I thought how much easier things may have been if I had one. Then I thought about Kie struggling as a single mom and what if that were her. I felt compelled to turn around, and I actually said a prayer, "Please let me find that girl and help her". I was on a one way street so I had to go around a couple blocks to get back where I was when I saw her, but she was gone. Again I said, "Please let me find her, I have to do this!" I turned down a side street to do another drive through, and there she was crossing on a lower street. I lowered my window and called out to her, " excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, I don't mean to, but could you use a stroller?" She looked at me a moment as I pulled over across from where she was. I told her I wasn't a crazy person, I had just seen her walking and remembered when our stroller started losing wheels and they don't make them like they use to. She smiled and relaxed a little. She said she had 3 daughters, 7,5, & 3. The stroller had almost lasted through all 3. It looked it. The closer I got the worse it looked. Beaten & bent. Beyond repair. I repeated my lie about having a stroller, and asked if I could get it to her later. I could give her my cell number and she could let me know where to bring it or where to meet her. She took my number and told me she was staying at a local shelter, I could bring it there. I got the kids sizes and asked her if anyone could use the infant car seats and a play pen I had, she gave me the name of another girl stating there with a 6 week old and a 2 year old.

I hit 3 thrift stores on the way home and couldn't find a used stroller. I went home and loaded up what I thought could be used, picked Hunter up from karate camp, then hit Walmart. I found shoes for $2.50. I found jackets for $3 & $4. I even found a stroller on clearance for $37. I called Brian to let him know I was buying some things and he called me "Claire" (from the movie Scrooged). I went to pay for my things and found my check card & ID were gone! I immediately called the horse supply store, nothing there. I called home and Chad didn't answer the phone. So I called my neighbor and asked her to go over and light a fire under him and have him call me. I was in a panic. Chad finally called to let me know he found my check card in my bathroom, it must have fallen out of my jeans. He also found my ID, but after Anise found it first and chewed on it. I had to go all the way home, get the cards, go back to that Walmart, then go downtown to the shelter. You should have seen me putting that stroller together in the Walmart parking lot then running it around my car several times so it would like I at least used it once! I thought I must be crazy to go through all this. The young woman called me to say she wouldn't be back at the shelter when I got there, but to let them know it was for her. I assured her I would. I got there and got things unloaded. I had tagged the things for the mom I met and the other girl she told me about and then I asked them if they could use any of the other things I had. The woman was so surprised I had brought unopened toys and clean, almost new clothes. I asked if they got enough things form the Salvation Army donation centers and she said they get what no one buys, which is usually the dregs no one wants. I was appalled. But she did say they kept any donations they got directly for use there at the shelter. I asked her if they could use anymore things and she said yes. I told her we will be going through alot of stuff and I would rather give it to them than give it to Good Will, or somewhere to be resold at a high price needy people can't afford.

Brian asked me if that satisfied my need to help someone. Well, it would have, but I saw several of the kids that live there and it broke my heart. We have so much, I can't just turn away and do nothing. So I will put out the word and when I am shopping and come across a $2-3 pair of shoes or a jacket, I will grab it and add it to a box to take down there. And I will not hesitate to offer help.. or maybe tell a little white lie.. the next time I see someone who may need something. And the reward? Thinking of Kierra started this mission for me today and as I was done and driving away the song "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts came on.. and I thought of her again....

What dreams may come..

Last night Brian & I both had some really weird dreams, Very real, very dramatic. Brian dreamt I was in a car accident with the twins. Alexa and I were fine, but he said Tristan had a pediatric walker because he hurt his legs. He told me about it this morning. I told him maybe it was a carry over from me picking up the kids from child care last night when I was really sick. He was probably worried and it carried over when he went to bed. I dreamt, hmm, it is dreaming when it is just voices you hear? I "dreamt" of Kierra screaming, over and over again.. "Where are my babies, where are my babies??" No matter how loud I screamed back that they were okay, they were here with us, she couldn't hear me. She just kept screaming it over and over, louder, and louder, crying, sobbing, still screaming. I tried everything to get through to her and nothing worked. I got so upset it woke me. Brian and I were both woken by our dreams and were up early before the alarm. I don't always remember my dreams, most people don't, yet Brian & I both remembered these in detail. We are hoping for peaceful sleep tonight. We'll just have to see what dreams may come...

Warning..raw emotion..be prepared..

Brian posted this on the Legacy Guestbook for Kierra, I thought it was worth sharing..
December 25, 2006
Merry Christmas Kierra (My Grouch),I love you and miss you bunches. Holidays just aren't the same without you. It seems that I never get the one thing I want the most for Christmas anymore. Last year it was to have you back. Even though I knew in my heart that was impossible, I thought just maybe... This year, I tried to scale back my wish thinking maybe there would be some chance. I wished that Alexa and Tristan could spend just one hour with you, now that they are old enough to have some lasting memories. I thought then they would have the memory of the sound of your voice, the feel of your hugs and kisses, and your scent to carry with them for the rest of their life. It's always been so painful knowing they were too young to have any of those to keep forever, before you were gone.They're both doing really good, much better than I'm doing this time of year. Me, I feel like the little doll on the Island of Misfit Toys in Rudolph, "I don't have any dreams left anymore!"All my love and hugs and kisses,Daddy

Christmas Day..

I watched the excitement and anticipation of the kids this morning, and I saw the simple joy as they unwrapped their gifts. Alexa hugged the boxes before she even knew what was inside. Tristan would unwrap a toy, then run & hide under the table to play with it. Hunter helped pass out the boxes, and kept thanking us for everything. Chad dragged himself up for the festivities, then went back to bed. Brianne was my elf this year. She and Justin spent the night and she helped me wrap, actually she did most of the wrapping (!), and helped me put together the kid's kitchen play set. I want to be a kid again.. it is just too cool. Things have come along way since the older kids were little. I fixed a big breakfast, so we'll do a late lunch/dinner later.

Brian & I were going to put flowers at Kierra's crash site, but I just couldn't find anyhting I felt was right. Everything was too hokey looking. I think I will wait til Tuesday and get some purple roses from Kuhn's Flowers. The sign we put up is gone, so I will put up another one. Not sure if it got torn down from the wind, or someone took it down. No biggie, I will just get another one! We went to Green Cove springs to see the lights the other night. The lights were great, the rest wasn't all that special. They had set up a skating rink, an inflated maze, had marshmallows to roast, etc. But it was too crowded. We are starting new traditions. We will continue the old, but the kids need some things that we can do without getting so sad.

Things have wound down and I have to go cook. The twins are resting, and Hunter is starting to settle down too. It doesn't feel much like Christmas Day. It is rainy, gray, and yucky outside, so I concentrate on the warmth and brightness of the decorations and lights on the inside. The laughter and innocence of children. Kierra watching over us all..

Hunter 12*25*06

Hunter 12 25 06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Tristan with Dancing Mumble

Tristan with Dancing Mumble
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Christmas Princess Alexa

Christmas Princess Alexa
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Too cute for words!

Tristan & Alexa 12*24*06

Tristan & Alexa 122406
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Tried to get them sitting still.. haha..

Hunter 4 7 2006

Hunter 4 7 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Happy 6th Birthday Hunter!

Hunter Newborn
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

6 years ago today a baby was born 2 months early, with a hard life ahead of him. We were blessed to be able to love and raise him to be the wonderful child he is today. Happy Birthday Baby Boy!!

Pieces... Peace

I got a call the other night from someone I hadn't seen or talked to in almost 5 years. It was Brent from Kaluby's Dance. Dori & I took ballroom dance classes once upon a time. It was alot of fun, but pretty expensive. We enjoyed it while we could. They were having a reunion Christmas party last night. Dori had to work and I was busy with the kids. I thought about going.. I watched the clock as I took Hunter to karate for his stripe testing..he now has 2 of the 3 stripes he needs to move up to his next belt. Then I got a call from the child care place that Tristan was having a bit of a temper tantrum and wouldn't calm down, so I left Brian with Hunter, and picked up the twins, took them home, got them to bed, then headed back to karate. I got there just as they finished up. Brian had an off duty job to go to, so I took Hunter home. I looked at the clock again and thought.. maybe I'll go, maybe I could still make it. I got Hunter settled, but then Alexa woke up crying. I checked the clock.. it would be close, but maybe I could still make it. Then Tristan woke up. I got him a drink, and headed to my room to see if I could get myself ready and get there. I looked in the mirror, heard Alexa again.. and realized there never really was a chance. I had green color stamps on my hands from "snippits" where I got all 3 kids hair cut. Even short my hair was a wreck. I looked tired and felt as bad as I looked. So I blew it off and played ping pong between Tristan & Alexa until Brian got home. 2 nights in a row the kids have been wound up and hard to settle. Brian comes home, goes in for 30 seconds.. boom, out like a light, not a peep out of them!

I missed going to that party. I miss going to the dance classes. I miss who I was and what my life was like before. I miss my daughter. Of course, not in that order. I don't miss going to Christmas parties per say. I am glad the only one we have is with family & friends this year. I have been bah humbugging alot. It takes more time & energy than I have. Hunter got upset over a song on the radio today and I told him it was okay to cry, and I missed Kierra too. He said "It's too hard to have Christmas without Kierra. How can I have a Merry Christmas Mom?" I told him there is good all around us. We have to look at the little things and enjoy them piece by piece. It is okay to miss her, but she loved the holidays and would want us to try for each other to enjoy them some too. Do you know how hard it is to encourage him and answer those questions when I have them myself?

He had a Polar Express party at school today. Everyone wore their pajamas. I let the twins go to day care and I spent the morning with Hunter in my pajamas. Then we went to his therapy appt. and then karate. After we picked up Tristan & Alexa we came home and instead of going in the house we went for a walk to see the lights in the neighborhood. Tristan & Alexa get so excited when we drive into the sub division after dark. We take a few detours and they get all excited.. yights! yights!... oooh pretty! So they really enjoyed walking around and seeing them. We practiced holding hands when we cross the street and they were so cute, all three of them, to make sure they held hands. Alexa held Hunter's most of the walk, Tristan held mine. They liked walking them selves with no wagon or stroller. So we ended the day on a good note. They are all sleeping now and I am not far off.

So my pieces (peace) for today were watching polar express in my PJs with Hunter, and the walk.

It's physical..

I woke up one night last week in a panic.. my chest hurt, I couldn't breathe.. I was in the misty fog of half sleep. At first I thought I had a bad dream.. I usually have a similar reaction if I dream about Kie's accident. But the emotion of that wasn't there.. then I remembered I had walking pneumonia. I had rolled from a sitting position to almost laying flat, and that is why I couldn't breathe and my chest hurt. I thought how odd that my body could have the same physical reaction to grief as I had with the pneumonia. Some people think it's all in your head, but even my Dr. has said that there are physical ramifications from emotional stress. It affects us in more ways than we realize. I am feeling better now, and can actually sleep without sitting up. It feels good to breathe normal again! Not much else is normal, so I will take what I can get!

Penguin update..

Everyone seems to be hitting the high point of 323.5.. I can't get past 323.4!! Greta said she got stuck on it for 45 minutes and can't break 300.. so keep smackin!!

Sibling Rivalry..

Okay, my little sister, Cricket, sent me this game.. her score was 265.1. I was feeling pretty proud to show off that I hit 320.9. Of course, sibling rivalry what it is, just minutes later she e-mails me the pic of her new score.. 322.9! So it's on! I'll take all the distractions I can get!! Join in.. let me know your score.. go smack a few penguins!

http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf

Hard Candy Christmas..

"I'll be fine and dandy

Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas

I'm barely getting through tomorrow

But still I won't let Sorrow bring me way down"

If I keep singing that I may finally get the tree decorated! It's been up since Monday night, but I have to find the lights and get them on before the ornaments can go on. Alexa walks in and puts her hands up in a shrug.."Tree in da house?!" Tristan nods his head, like .. Yea?.. and goes about playing. It will be neat to see their reaction when it is finally decorated and lit up. Hunter can't wait to help decorate and we have been talking about making cookies. It is hard to get in the mood, but I am trying. I will mail the last of the Christmas cards out tomorrow. I still have shopping to do, I can't even get excited about that!

Venting..

There are several situations circling around me and those I love that I am really having a hard time not speaking up about. As most of you know, I am not one to keep my mouth shut.. so why start now?? To save the feelings of those I love I guess.. so here is a generalized bitch session to no one in particular.. unless you are feeling guilty and then I may be talking about you!! Don't ya hate that!?

Why are parents always to blame for how screwed up we are?? Sometimes it may have some bearing, but we all reach an age when we can use the past as a tool to be better, stronger. Or we can use it to whine about it and use it as a crutch, or an easy excuse when we behave badly. At what point, (for some NEVER), do we truly grow up? When do we take responsibility for our own actions and choices instead of falling back on what we believe was a bad child hood? And why do we think it is okay to disrespect and hurt the feelings of someone we claim to love, because we still blame them for years old wrong doings? It seems so convenient to get what you want from them when you want it, then turn the other cheek and be hurtful and disrespectful once you have what you wanted. No matter how you slice it, that is dead wrong. Your parent, or parents, don't owe you anything. If you are not in jail or a psych ward, you are better off than some. If you have people who love you in your life, you are better off than most. So where is the thanks for what you do have instead of the damnation for what you don't? How easy it is to keep your hand out for what they are willing to give, but quick to slap them down with it when they ask for simple acknowledment or consideration in return. GROW UP!!

Then there are those with Peter Pan syndrome.. they will never grow up. No matter their age they are irresponsible. They make excuses, they lie.. whatever smooths over the latest screw up. And they expect you to pretend you don't know, everything is peachy keen, when in reality you want to choke them. Part of the problem is, I notice things, I see beyond what is on the surface. I tend to get "hunches", and on a rare occasion I am wrong. Which means on the rest of the occasions, I am dead on. It sucks. I wish I lived in a bubble. I wish I could flip a switch, put on my smiley face and wipe the slate clean. Wishing doesn't make it so.

Then there are people who had no problem disappearing from the twins lives before Kierra died, yet now send Christmas cards like it is just another Holiday. As tho her death clears them of all wrong doing. BS! I have a box of things for when the twins are older and I put things like that in the box. I have no use for those cards or those people, but what the twins do with them is their choice. Because we all have choices, we make them every day. WE make them, WE choose. If someone else influences our choice, it is because WE let them! So grow up, own your own choices.

Sick & Tired..Tired & Sick..

After all 3 kids took their turn at the croupy crud, it is now my turn! I am tired of runny noses and sleepless nights! I now have walking pneumonia and have to sleep sitting up! So bear with me and I will be in touch as I find the time & energy!

Good News.. Brian started on day shift yesterday!! 10a-6p Mon -Fri. December is a bit crazy because it is earlier than planned and he has other jobs he committed to.. but WooHoo!

A Gentle Reminder..

I am amazed at what other people can do with their lives. A dear friend, Terry M., has recently posted on her blog about Christ being left out of Christmas. Although I have my spiritual doubts I have always hated how quickly commercialism has invaded our space with Christmas decorations and promos before Thanksgiving. Some even started at Halloween this year!http://rocksinmydryer.typepad.com/shannon/ Visit this link to another blog I read. She posted about a very neat idea called a Jessie Tree. You can learn more about it on her site. Just a gentle reminder for those who believe, faith is not lost.

I am beat!

I am so done! Today was a good day, but a long one. I only got a few hours sleep last night, then up and out early today. Had a great day with my S-I-L, Lisa. We went to the outlet malls in St. Augustine. I did very well watching my pennies, and managed to pick up some good deals on a few Christmas gifts.. and helped Lisa find some good deals too (LJ, you know you still love me!). Then we picked up Hunter, got back to the house, then went to the grocery store, went to Target to get a b-day present, back to the house, up to the Northside to pick up Randy, over to the southside to Dave & Buster's, ate dinner, played some games, went toward the beaches to pick up the twins from day care, they screamed all the way home (didn't want their cups when I offered, but wanted them once we were on the road!), Hunter sang Rudolph ten times (probably to block out the twins!), I resisted turning the radio on full blast, got them home, got them unloaded, Chad helped get them ready for bed, got Hunter into bed & settled, and I am about to fix a cup of coffee with Bailey's and go in the hot tub!

Tomorrow we have a meeting with a builder and designer..things are moving along with the renovation plans, more about that later! Barney (the horse) did not need surgery, maybe it's just a serious infection, will know in a couple weeks when they recheck him after being on meds a couple weeks. So far, so good!

I am beat.. like overwhipped egg whites.. like an old dirty rug.. like a well worn path..

Life doesn't come with a warranty..

and neither does a horse! Barney is having some bladder issues, but is doing better. The first thing Brian (& Terri) asked me was.. doesn't he have a warranty? No, he doesn't. He had a Vet exam when I bought him and I took ownership. It is a bit different from buying an animal from a pet store, and other than Terri's goldfish, pet stores only give you 3 days. I saw him and rode him a few weeks ago, I know he wasn't having the problem then. It is like people with kidney stones, you can't predict who will have a problem or when. It just happens. Same thing with Barney. So instead of getting my laptop for Christmas, I am getting a vet bill for my horse! We are hoping it is minor and the bill will be minor too! I am not worried about not getting a lap top, I am worried about my horse! I know he is in good hands & I will be going up this weekend. This is the only part I don't like about having him 5 hours away!

Brenda & I went to a horse show yesterday and I got Barney & Tortuga new halters and a new lead. It was fun to see all the different horses and types of riding. I saw someone I knew years ago. She owns a pet store on the Northside. She was in the Novice level events and had a beautiful horse we had noticed before I recognized her. There were some kids riding and I thought how cool it would be for the kids to do things like that. And the parking and event were both free! The prices for the tack items were very reasonable too. So it was enjoyable and low cost..my kind of fun!

Not Today!!

That is something Hunter used to say alot. It was always cute when you would ask him something and he would pipe up.. "Not Today"! Well, that is what the anesthesiologist said to us on Friday about Tristan's surgery. He was getting congested and with his history of asthma and never having surgery before, they thought it was a bad idea to do it. He would have to be intubated for the adenoid surgery and that promotes bronchial spasms, which can encourage an asthma attack if he is having issues already. Not good during surgery. So we will reschedule probably for the first week in January. I will let you all know. They offered to do his ear tubes, but it was crazy to put him through 2 seperate surgeries, so we will wait and do it all at once. Brian had taken the day off, so we ran some errands, and we all went to see Happy Feet with Brianne & Brenda Friday night. The kids loved the movie. Alexa hid her face during the first half, but then was fine. I think it was because we had the stroller and were very close to the screen. It was a cute movie, and it was nice to see it as a family.

Brian, Hunter, & Tinkerbell

Brian, Hunter, & Tinkerbell
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Group pic

Group pic
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

It is impossible to get everyone smiling in a picture! This is the closest we got.

Hunter & Brian 11-24-06

Hunter & Brian 11-24-06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Brian & Hunter from our Thanksgiving trip to Orlando.