Our Karate Kid!

Our Karate Kid!
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Hunter just graduated to his camouflage belt in Karate. I am amazed at what he learns and remembers. He has settled in and seems to enjoy it. We are very proud of him!

Tristan zonked out!

Tristan zonked out! 2 23 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Alexa zonked out!

Alexa zonked out! 2 23 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Playing Outdoors

Kids 2 23 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

I finally moved the kids outdoor stuff over to the rental. This is their playhouse. They also have a pirate ship, slide, and picnic table. It was too hard to move the big fort/swingset. That will have to wait for the move to the new house! I put it all on the patio just outside the sliding doors off the living room. They played all day! I had to make them come in while I went to get Hunter from school so Chad could watch them, and they both zonked out on the couch and slept for almost 2 hours! Now that is a good day..

Thank You!

I am fortunate that Hunter is considered the most polite child in his class. The twins also get praised at their speech therapy and different appointments for always saying Thank You. We were in Publix the other day and they all got a free cookie from the bakery. They all said Thank you. The woman said she was amazed that they did that on their own. She gives out cookies all day long, and not even the parents bother to say thank you. I told her it was something I taught them from before they could even speak. She asked, "how do you teach them that so young?" I told her I said thank you when I gave them things, and I tell them thank you when they do something I ask of them. Like sitting down at the Dr.'s office, or picking up a toy. She said she really appreciated being thanked even if it was just for giving them a cookie. That got me to thinking. Do I say Thank You as often as I expect the kids to? So I have made a real effort this week to do that. Again at Publix I went down an aisle and a young man was stocking shelves. He saw me coming and immediately started moving the boxes he was emptying. I told him not to worry about it, there was plenty of room for me to go around. Then I turned to him and said, "By the way.. thank you for keeping groceries on the shelves. That's hard work, and without it I couldn't feed my family. You have a great day." He thanked me and told me he hadn't been thanked like that since he went up to help during hurricane Katrina. I told him it was a shame we all take each other for granted. I told an older man "Thank You for your time, I really appreciate it." when he made me a sandwich at Publix today. (Boy I go to Puiblix alot! I have thanked other people too!) He told me to come back anytime and he would keep me stocked in extra pickles! It made us both smile. How hard was that? I am proud of the kids for being thankful, and I will try to be more thankful myself. So.. "Thank You!", to you all for taking the time to be interested in our lives. Have a great day!

More pix..

There are more "New House" pix on flickr, so just click on the pic of the house below and it will take you there, then click the "browse" button to the right and you can view all my pictures! The kitchen and breakfast nook floor are being replaced with tile, and the kitchen counters are being replaced with quartz, will update pix when that is done. Amazing the incentives they give to sell a house!

Lost & Found

New House
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Today I got lost looking at houses. That is how I found our new house! It is everything we need and more. It has a big yard and it is right around the corner form the pool & playground. I'll have more pix and info later. We should move about the first of April.

Topsy Turvy

That's how things are right now. Topsy Turvy, aka sticker shock, aka reality check. The final numbers came back for the renovation. We expected it to be a bit higher because we wanted some extra work done. It was way, way higher than we expected. So we talked about cutting it back, paring it down to bare bones and see what those numbers are. Brian went to work last night and thought about it some more, looked up houses and today we went house hunting. We aren't locked into the renovation yet, and it would wipe out everything we have to do it. We had the best of intentions. We really like our neighborhood, etc. If the $$ had been more within our range we would move forward. The pre estimates were do-able, the final costs are not. We looked at houses today that have more square footage than ours would have even after the renovation. We would still have money in the bank. The plus side to being out of our house already is that we can get it cleaned up, painted, and get it on the market. It will sell better without us in it, crowded to the hilt! We bought it at a much lower price than it's current value, so we can afford to price it lower to sell fast. So at the moment everything is all upside down. The best option so far is further south in St. John's County, just north of St. Augustine. So I am pulling my hair out, trying to look at the "up" side to all this.

Bits & Pieces..

I still have alot of things to sort and pack at the old house. It has been an emotional rollercoaster to go through some of it. I am packing away some things that have become part of my everyday reminders of Kie. I have kept out the important ones, and tenderly wrapped and packed the others. The things that I prepared myself to deal with were easier than I thought. It was the little things that I didn't expect that surprised me more.
I didn't really think ahead about moving Kierra's ashes. I have dusted and touched the dolphins often. So I didn't expect the jolt I felt when I lifted it in my arms to carry her out of the room. It struck me that I was holding her in my arms. Almost as I did when she was a baby. That this was the only way I would ever hold her again. It was an emotionally devestating moment. I got through it. Set the Urn down in the other room.. went outside by myself and cryed my eyes out. The rest will be easy...right?

Sick of the sickness!!

Ok, the kids are at the tail end of sick. Brian is sick with some crappy crud, and my doc tells me today that I have pneumonia. Not just the "walking" kind that isn't full blown and easily cured. That would be too easy. I keep inflaming my lungs with all the dust and stuff at the old house. I have to do breathing treatments and heavy antibiotics and doped up decongestants. Of course I am suppose to get lots of rest and not overdo. yea right. It seems like we are constantly on a sickness merry-go-round. The kids take vitamins, we use all the sanitizers, lysol wipes, etc. So what else can I do? Tristan's surgery is supposed to help with his ear infections and colds. He just got over being sick, so not sure how well that is working yet! My doc says my biggest issue is not enough sleep. I don't always take my thyroid meds and I almost never take any vitamins or immunity boosters. I can know that, and I can set up my little daily med tray so I can take them, but I don't know how to keep it all on track when a dozen other things get in the way. I am tired of sick and tired!

A Lot of Little Notes...

There are several things to blog on, but rather than do one mass ramble, I will do them on their own.
The weekend was good. Barney developed an abcess on the "frog" of his hoof. So he is "lame" for the duration of treatment & healing.. maybe a couple weeks. He may have gotten a stone stuck, or stepped on something out in pasture. So I rode Marge, Tortuga's Mom. Then I rode Heiffer.. who is a true heiffer(cow). which in German would be Gross Coo...Big Cow. There was a German gentleman, Fred, who wanted to ride with us rather than the large group. He taught us some German and we taught him some English. Then Sunday I rode Sally.. who would not lead. I missed my "Dream" boy! Altho Barney can be a little hard headed, he is such a great ride. It makes it very hard for me to ride another horse. They just don't seem to measure up. The only other horse there who comes close is Cracker, and she is not usually available except to guides. I won't get back up there til the first of March, so Barney should be better by then.

How can I ever repay this kind of friendship?

I have many great friends. I love them all. I am giving Kudos to Terri & Dwight right now. They are watching the twins this weekend while I am up at the ranch in Ga. I just found out both Tristan & Alexa have been running fevers and have alternated sleeping & being cranky.. not at the same time! Tristan was having an issue with his adenoids (well, where his adenoids were) and Alexa has upcoming ear surgery the 28th, so they both are on antibiotics, but don't usually run fevers when they are sick. I don't know many people who wouldn't have been on the phone right away for me to come get my sick, cranky kids. I only have a select few people who will watch them for more than a day even when they are well! So a huge Thank You to Terri & Dwight who have alot of other things going on right now and really did not need sick babies added to it.
I have had a flare up with my asthmatic Bronchitis due to all the dust and dirt from the move, and was pretty bad with it before I left. While Terri has been going with almost no sleep, I have been able to get more rest than at home. So my gratitude is two fold! I don't know how I would have managed. When I wonder how I will ever get through this, how I will manage to raise these children in addition to Hunter and all that goes on in our everyday lives, I remind myself .. this is how, with the help and love of our friends and family. I am nothing without you all. Thank You!

Too Busy to Wear My Own Underwear!

This may be considered too much information, but it is true! We are living in the rental now and still have odds and ends to move, pack, or get rid of. I made sure the kids have all the essentials, and I made sure Brian had what he needed. I threw some things in a suitcase for me, but realized this morning that the suitcase is still at the other house. Normally I would have gone commando..(I know, TMI again!).. but it was too cold. So I did what any rushed, tired, crazed woman would do.. I stole a pair of my husbands britches. I must say mine are more comfortable! I made sure the suitcase got moved to the rental and I will be back in my own drawers tomorrow.

The Birthday..

We (I) made the big push to get moved over the weekend. We took a break Sunday to celebrate the twin's birthday at Ollie Koala's. They had a blast as usual. Good friends, Good Fun. We kept it low key this year. Only a few people called or e-mailed to see what the plans were. I didn't feel right advertising it on the blog. The people who have been here all along were there, except for a few special people who couldn't make it. Alex called from Iraq & left a message, which is still hard to deal with, but at least he called. He sent them cards and some stuffed Eeyores. I may have to deal with him when he gets back at the end of the year, so I will save those worries for another day. They enjoyed their day and got lots of cool stuff, even though I told everyone they have too much already! They got a snow cone machine and woke up the next morning wanting snow cones for breakfast! They didn't get the snow cones, but they sure were persistent. I think they may be a tad bit spoiled! But that is what it all boils down too.. the happy moments.

Kie & babies Feb. 4, 2004

Kie & babies Feb. 4, 2004
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Hard to imagine it has been 3 years already. Even harder to imagine that she really isn't here to celebrate with them.. We have been teaching Tristan & Alexa to say Happy Birthday, and Alexa will only say "Birthday!" I want it to be Happy for them. It is such a bittersweet day for me. Happy Birthday Babies!

Kids Feb 2 07

Kids Feb 2 07
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

It's that time of year again. I swear it takes years off my life to go through the craziness of getting their pictures taken. I make sure we get the same photographers that have always taken their pictures, so that helps. We did get more good shots to choose from than usual since they are older now and do follow directions (somewhat!).
As usual, click on the pic and go to the gallery to see the rest of the pictures. They are all adorable!!

My Son's many questions..

I am used to the questions "Why is the sky blue? How does the grass grow? Where did I come from? Why do Girls pee sitting down? Why do you & Daddy sleep in the same bed? If food smells good, why does poop smell so bad? "
I am not used to the questions "If God took Kierra to Heaven, why can't he bring her back? Why did that man have to kill my sister? What if one day I close my eyes and I can't see her anymore? Why would God want us to hurt so bad? How can I think of the happy times with Kierra when her being dead makes me so sad? Can I stay 5 years old, not have my birthday, and not grow up? That way I won't have to get older and die, you & daddy won't get older and die.. no one else will have to die, okay?"
I do the best I can, but even I don't have all the answers..

The Sound a Hug Makes..

Today was crazy. The weather was freezing, Hunter had a field trip I had to pack a lunch for, and Tristan & Alexa both had speech therapy starting at 9 am. We got through it and were heading back to our own side of town when we passed one of the playgrounds we usually go to. I was on the phone with Terri and out of the blue Tristan started screaming.. not a whine, or a yell.. a scream. Alexa soon joined in. They wanted to play. There was no way to explain it was too cold. I took them to the mall to play at the indoor playground and that seemed to appease them.
On our way to pick Chad up from school Brian called me to see how our morning went. They know the special ring I have on my phone for him so they wanted to talk. I put him on speaker phone so they could talk too. It was so funny. They were both talking at once. Then Tristan yelled.. "Papa, Papa.. Unh Unh Unh!" (it's hard to put into a word.. it's like the sound you make when you give someone a bear hug.) It was too cute. Hunter gives phone hugs all the time, and he gives the twins hugs like that when he gets out of the car for school. Tristan hadn't done it before. Despite the hectic morning and the sounds of whining, crying, and yelling that were in abundance, that sound made the rest seem insignificant.. you just can't beat the sound a hug makes.

Bodily Functions..

Tristan has become an organic artist like his sister! He did it to Brenda a couple weeks ago when she watched the kids, and he did it to Brian today before I got home! One of the first orders of business in the rental will be potty training! The floors are all tile throughout the house, so any accidents will be easier to clean up. Our previous attempts failed and the Dr. reccomended waiting til after the Holidays. I have bought a dozen pairs of underwear for each of them, so we aren't going to do pull-ups except for bedtime.
Tristan seems to be doing very well with his recovery. The doc warned us that his nose/mouth would get a funky smell as his adenoids healed. He was right! He gave us some herbal drops to use in his nose to help, so I am going to try it in the morning.
Alexa is going to the ENT doc on Wed. so we will see what she has going on. She starts speech therapy this week too. She "talks" more than Tristan, but it is harder to understand. She makes up her own words and sometimes only says partial words. Tristan is speaking more and much clearer. So hard to believe they will be 3 next week!

Chasing the Wind..

This morning was cold, grey, and windy. It was almost like something out of an old Alfred Hitchcock movie as I rode through the woods surrounded by barren trees with the wind howling around us and a hawk flying overhead. Even Barney was a little jumpy until we got to a spot where he could run and release some of the tension we both had pent up. To be on a horse who can run like the wind is one of the most exhilerating things I have ever done. It is the most liberating feeling. I enjoy riding him even when we just take a liesurely walk. I think this morning we both needed to let our spirits run free for a few minutes. We walked throughout the pasture to cool down afterward. I took him back to the barn and got all his tack put away, gave him several treats, then let him out into the pasture to roam for the afternoon. He pranced and ran out accross the field. He is beautiful to watch. Tortuga is so gangly she has an awkward gait when she runs. That will smooth out as she grows into her long legs and growing body. I spend time working with her, grooming her. We have a long way to go with her and I want to be sure she is used to being handled. I imagine I will enjoy chasing the wind with her too!

A Breath of Fresh Air..

It was cool, crisp and quiet this morning as my horse & I journeyed through the woods. We came accross a group of deer, a fox, and several squirrels. I wasn't thinking of anything in particular, just enjoying the tranquility of it all. And then with a rush of air, I "felt" her. It was as if Kierra was there. I can't describe it. I was enveloped in both joy & sorrow. Joy at the familiar "feel" of her, sorrow at the intense feeling of missing her, losing her. And just as quickly it was gone. I have never felt anything like that before. It is hard to put into words. I have had similar sensations in my dreams, but never a clear memory of the dream. This was wide awake in the light of day. It was beautiful, and even now brings me a bittersweet smile. Call it what you will.. for me, it was a breath of fresh air...

Playtime

Playtime
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

We stopped by the park today between appointments so Tristan & Alexa could use up some of their boundless energy. (It worked, they are taking a nap!) They climb like monkeys and have no fear! Click on this (or any photo) and you can view more pictures in my Flickr photo gallery.

Kissing Boo-Boos

Is it really as easy as it seems? Tristan & Alexa immediately come to me to kiss their boo-boos when they get hurt. Sometimes they even have real tears running down their faces. I kiss the boo-boo, and presto.. all better, they even stop crying. Tristan has a bruise on his hand from his IV during surgery and everyday he says "owie" and asks me to kiss it. I do and he goes off to play and forgets all about it until the next day and we do it again. Hunter did the same thing when he was younger. He saves it for really bad boo-boos now.
Why don't we heal that easy when we grow up? Do we stop believing in the healing power of love? Do we stop trusting that someone else can make us feel better? I wish our hurts could be healed so easily. I wish a simple kiss could erase it all away. I wish I had the unwavering faith of a child again. I am so full of wishes....

Running Ragged

Tristan is doing really well. Other than Alexa hitting him on the side of the head and making his ear bleed, he has been feeling good and had no signs of even having the surgery. So I have had my hands full of the two of them and all their various appointments. Alexa has a speech therapy evaluation tomorrow and she sees the ENT doc next week. She has an ear infection that won't heal and has had a runny nose for 2 months that none of the meds seem to relieve. I feel like I am almost living in the car!
Chad has classes at FCCJ this week and next so I drop him before I take Hunter to school. I make the twins appointments for 9 am so I can go to those as soon as I get Hunter dropped off. In between all that I am still sorting and packing. I feel like I am on a treadmill going no where!
I am trying to plan a trip up to the ranch this weekend.. all by myself! We'll see if that happens or not.
Now I am off to pick Hunter up from school. He has a peach fuzz haircut now because he took a pair of my sewing scissors and cut his hair in front.. very short, so now all his hair is that short. He also cut up a pair of pajamas, cut slits in a sheet, a blanket, & a pillow. He seems to always be up to something. All the change and chaos is hard for all of us, but the kids have a harder time expressing themselves. I guess that was his version of paper dolls! I'll catch up on more later.

Tristan after SX

Tristan after SX
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Tristan on happy meds

Tristan on happy meds
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Recovery going great..

Tristan did great and is at home sound asleep. He hasn't slept since his surgery this morning, so it is good for him to finally let go. I think the pain med hypes him up rather than relaxes him. He woke up quick after surgery and was drinking and eating well in no time so they let him come home. I think he fared better than we did! I will post a couple pix of him before surgery when he was on the "happy meds". I want some!!

Surgery Day.. (again)

In just a few minutes I will wake Tristan up to get him ready to go to the hospital for his surgery. We have to be there by 6:15 am for his 7:30 surgery. It is scary. I couldn't sleep even my usual few hours. I have to give him an albuterol treatment beforehand to help keep his lungs clear. He is going to be mad between the treatment and no eating or drinking. What a great way to start the day! He will stay overnight, so we will be back home Saturday, hopefully in the morning. I will blog if I can get an internet connection. If not I will catch everyone up asap. It will be strange for Tristan & Alexa to spend the night away from each other. That has only happened once or twice since Tristan came home from the NICU when they were 11 days old. So say a prayer for a speedy recovery and off we go!

Home again, Home again..

It was a great weekend. Brian rode Buzz, Barney, & Claire. The weather and the horses were awesome. I kept walking away with Marei & Conny's barn keys, so they finally gave me a key of my own! We picked up the mantle before heading home and had lunch in Madison. We had some good talks while we rode horses. There are so many changes going on. We watch friends & family and the changes their relationships go through and it scares me. Brian & I talked about that too and it helps to know neither one of us feels like we would want to be any where else. We can't change what has happened and we can't change the pain that causes, but we know each other and we comfort each other and we lean on each other whenever we need to. And we love each other and that will get us through. Now we are back home and life sweeps us away again. Alot going on and alot to do. I'll try to keep up!

A Break from Blogland

(From Friday, Jan. 12)
Brian & I are on our way to the ranch. Actually we will stay in town, the ranch was booked up this weekend. It is just the two of us.. How cool is that!? We are going to pick up a fireplace mantle I bought in Madison when Nancy went up with me about a month ago. They held it for me until I could get a big enough truck or trailer to pick it up. Dwight let us borrow his trailer so here we are, driving down the highway. I am actually typing this in Microsoft works and I will copy & paste it later. That was a lot of useless info wasn’t it?
Brian will get to meet the horses and we will get some quality time.. Alone! So I may not blog much this weekend. We’ll get home Sunday night, so I should be back to blogland by Monday. TTFN

The Other Side of Fear

(From yesterday, Friday, Jan. 12)
I noticed a girl at the gas station today. At first I thought “Kierra was that girl“.. That age, that look. Then I thought.. “ Hell, I was that girl, once upon a time.” I thought of Kierra’s life. The places she’d been, things she had done. I thought of my life, the same places, same things. I thought of all she didn’t get to do. I thought of all the things I won’t do with her. I saw a bridal magazine at the grocery store, and I thought of the gazebo in Tennessee all covered with flowers. I don’t call upon these thoughts, and I don’t sit for hours dwelling on them.. It is a flash of a second, beyond my control.
When I saw that girl at the gas station I don’t know what it was that triggered the thoughts of Kierra. I see young women all the time and don‘t always think of her. It just happens at random times. I watched the girl drive away and I thought.. Be safe, be happy.
Then I think… hmm, happy, what is that? I wonder sometimes when the other shoe will drop. Quite the pessimist aren’t I? I wonder when something bad will happen again. Don’t say it won’t.. you don’t know that. My life was good, things were going well, we were happy. And in a blink of an eye it changed. Things are busy, sometimes overwhelming. But even with all the moving, Tristan’s surgery, all the everyday chaos.. Things are at a level of good. See, I feel guilty saying that. I am afraid. I look out at an uncertain world. I know that is what life is. I know that it is the same for everyone, everywhere. No one knows what tomorrow will bring. When I was that young girl I saw today, I was afraid. I was uncertain of my life and what was ahead of me. Now here I am, having lived through love, life, loss, and still I am afraid. But the difference is.. Now I know on the other side of fear is courage. Courage to live, love, and sometimes lose the ones you love. I can’t say it has made me stronger, but it has shown me I do have strength, and the courage to face tomorrow. My fear will not consume me, my courage will consume my fear.

Alexa weighs more than Tristan!

They have both been to the Dr. this week and Alexa weighs 30 lbs, is 37 1/4 inches tall. Tristan weighs 28 1/2 lbs and is 37 inches tall. She has been eating alot better, and he has slacked off on eating everything in sight.

Tristan is doing good with Speech Therapy. When he does talk it is really clear. Alexa has a referral for an evaluation for Speech Therapy now, since Tristan has been talking clearer we noticed Alexa doesn't speak as clear as we thought and she cuts off the ends of her words. Can't hurt to have her checked out. She also is going to an ENT Dr. for her chronic runny nose. Tristan may finally have his adenoid and ear tube surgery next Friday the 19th, if his lungs aren't congested.

I took down their toddler beds and will be putting them on twin mattresses for the rental. I am not setting up beds because the rental has hard tile floors and I can see Tristan jumping off and hitting his head. I also doubt 2 twin beds would fit very well in the small bedroom they will be sharing. We are thinking about full beds when we move back into the house and they have their own rooms. We'll see. I could not believe how filthy the cracks and crevices of their toddler beds were. It was so gross! I thought it would be a quick project. It took hours. I gave the beds to another set of boy/girl twins and I just couldn't take them dirty!

So much to do, so little time!!

Things they are a changin..

I have been so busy I hadn't taken the kids to the Applebees where Kierra worked in quite a while. Then I got a message from one of the guys she used to work with. Jan. 1st they closed it down, not enough business. I drove by today and it was shut down, signs gone & everything. It seems so out of whack. It was someplace to go where she was a part of. Some of her friends were there. It was like we were still sharing a part of her with them. Now they are gone. There are only 2 or 3 that I can get in touch with. I quit going by the hair salon where she worked because everyone there was new and no one knew who she was or who the twins are. It seems like the places she worked, the people she knew, are all gone. It feels so wrong to have those "connections" lost. But there are alot of connections lost with her "friends". I put that in quotations because I have a hard time believing they were all true friends. Some people use the term friend for people they barely know. I have friends I have known for almost 30 years. I can not imagine them just fading out of my kid's lives if something happened to me. But it is what it is and I will not chase people down or beg anyone to be part of their lives.

Places close down, people move, things change all the time. It just feels strange to lose those parts of her. Kierra's favorite restaraunt closed down too. I miss going where she liked to go, I miss going to where she worked and talking to the people she worked with. I miss her......

Renovation/ Rejuvenation

We have moved dozens of times over the years. It was a breeze in the Air Force.. they pack up everything, and I mean everything, even trash if you don't put it in a "No Pack" zone! The numerous times we have moved ourselves wasn't so easy, but was a great chance to do some spring cleaning and go through and get rid of stuff. We have been in this house for over 6 years. We had alot of stuff to begin with coming from a bigger space to a smaller one, and we have accumulated more. We are gearing up for a renovation to add an upstairs and rearrange a couple things down stairs. We have plans being finalized and have a rental that is right around the corner from our house. I have alot to sort through and pack. It will be like hotel living for about 6 months, but I keep telling myself it will be so worth it in the end. The goal is to be moved into the rental by Feb. 1st. Our mailing address & phone numbers will stay the same.

I think of all the times I have sorted toys and clothes. All the times I have packed away our lives and started over in a new home, a new place. It will be strange when the house is done. To move back into what was our home, will still be our home, just changed, different. Like the rest of our lives. So many changes, so many things that are different. The house will have fresh paint, a new look, be rejuvenated. It will be a fresh start, but I know the void will still be there. We move forward in the only way we know how. I will be busy, and busy is good. So let the packing begin!!

"TOO Much Fun!

The twin's last day at Terri & Dwight's was very eventful.. they "tattooed" each other. With a permanent green marker. I think they used a black one too, but the green was obviously the favorite. Tristan wrote more on Alexa than she wrote on him..I guess they were trying to be like Nana & Papa and have their own tattoos! So although fading.. they are still tattooed. They did it during Nap Time, so other than the artwork on each other they redecorated the inside of the closet door, part of the wall, and pulled everything out of the closet and trashed the entire room.. I will post pix when I get them from Terri.

Hunter couldn't wait to show me how he rides on Uncle Dwight's motorcycle. I am sure I have a few more gray hairs! Yet it was amazing how he knew how to put the helmet on & where the pegs were. He just climbed right on behind Dwight, grabbed on to him and held on tight. Dwight said he even leans into turns. I think that is good, I just know I am not ready for him to be into motorcycles, go karts, etc. But I guess it's coming!

I can see why the kids love going there. I am not sure how much more redecorating their house can take, but I know when the kids are with Terri & Dwight everything will be okay. And it helps me have less guilt when I go to the ranch without them if I know they are having fun... maybe next time they could just have a little less "fun" with the glitter & markers!

The Kid's Journal

Terri sent me this 12/30, so I thought I would share what the kids are up to while I am at the ranch!

Settling in. The twins spent most of the day playing in the play room, taking a bath, watching movies, and chasing Sophie. They napped from 1p-4p They had ravioli, apples and bread for dinner ( they love white bread? ) Cookies for desert. Bath at 7p and lights out at 8p. Lexie had a bad dream - ended up sleeping with us at 3am.

Hunter played in the jacuzzi, made "art" with glitter, glue and fingerpaint. The green glitter "somehow" made it into the jacuzzi. Dwight and Hunter built a ( 4 x 6 ) big fort with big sheets of cardboard. It has windows, a door that closes, cable TV, and a roof. Hunter made his own peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner with pudding for desert. Dwight and Hunter settled in bedtime at 9p in the fort but the floor was too hard for Uncle Dwight - he snuck out to his own bed at midnight.

Trottin Durty...

There is a rap song.. Ridin Dirty.. I am not a fan of it, but it is popular and on the radio alot. On our trip up here we stopped at a gas station and saw a real P.O.S. truck, (Piece Of Sh*t), on the front was the lettering "Ridin Durty". Brenda took a picture of it, and as we drove away she had me stop so she could get out and go check the spelling on it when I told her it was durty. So that has been the running joke.. talkin dirty, riding dirty, and trottin dirty.. with all the wet mud and dirt here because of the all the rain they have had, it has applied. The girls can take almost any song and apply horse back riding to it, it is too funny. It is their goal to groom and clean every horse they ride to a sparkly clean before they put them back in the paddock. There aren't enough rides in the day for them to make a big dent in the number of filthy horses, but they get an "A" for effort! By the time we leave there will be several horses that won't be trottin dirty!

Getting back on..

Sometimes that is half the battle when you fall off. I got tossed off Barney about a month ago. It was a minor fall, but scary none the less. I was out on the trails and got right back on and kept riding. I was not going to be bested by my own horse! I think it was the first actual day he was all mine! Well, Brenda took a fall yesterday. Not so minor. Her horse slipped in the wet dirt in the arena and fell to her knees which pitched Brenda forward.. face first.. hard and dirty. It was scary for her and all of us too. It was one of those things that there was no way to know it was going to happen. I didn't realize I could run that fast any more! I am so proud of Brenda and how well she handled it then, and after. We had planned on going to the movies last night and she still felt like going. She was quite the trooper. Then she was up and back on a horse this morning. I told her I still get a few butterflies in my stomach when Barney wants to run full out and I don't feel in full control. He pulled a few "High Ho Silvers" on me that day too, and I still get nervous when he sidesteps and tries to be the boss, which he did before he reared up on me before. It only happened that one day and right after that is when we found out he had a major bladder infection. So I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that he was in pain and that is why he acted up so much that day. He has done great since then. I am still careful & cautious!

Life is not without risk, not without fear. It can stop us in our tracks or help us move forward stronger and braver than we were before. I will go for the stronger and braver choice. And I am proud of Brenda for her choices too!

Gigglefest 2006/2007

That is what I am calling this visit to the ranch. Brianne, Brenda, and Savannah came with me this trip. You put 3 young women in a car for any extended amount of time.. and everything is funny, downright hilarious!! From Brenda & Savannah trying on the kid's riding helmets.. back wards, to their stories of previous adventures. People watching at the gas station... starving while waiting for our food at Cracker Barrel... burps, gas, and other strange notions and sounds.. all were accompanied by copious amounts of laughter.
Today started with "mole eyes" and bright light after very little sleep. We rode horses in the mud and mist. Very unhappy, not so well behaved horses in the mud and the mist. I am forced to mention Brenda confused my quarter horse, still saddled.. with her unsaddled Percheron when we were putting the horses back where they go. It was a momentary lapse, but funny none the less. Of course I have a few more days for memorable moments from Bri & Savannah as well! The girls played pool while waiting for lunch, then we did some people watching and evil villain planning.
Everyone was quite disappointed that it was raining more than misting for the afternoon ride, but when they found out they could ride if they wanted to, they were on it. I worked with Tortuga for a bit, then decided I really didn't want to get wet. So here I am in the warm, dry room, and they are getting wet out in the pasture with the horses....oh the quiet!
I am really enjoying them. I know I still enjoy getting together with my friends when I can. We have our gigglefests too. It is a universal language of friendship.. laughter, love, sharing. It is funny we can laugh with our friends about silly or embarrassing things, but if anyone else tried to kid us about the same things, we would bite their head off. I am glad they get to do this. They will go back home to their colleges, work, etc.. but they will have the fun and laughter of these memories to carry with them forever. I'll be sure to share more later! I have a few adventures of Hunter, Tristan & Alexa to share as well.. stay tuned!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TERRY MOORE!!

Today is my friend's birthday. This is the first time she hasn't celebrated it with me in 3 or 4 years. We met each other a very long time ago in St. Petersburg, FL. We have remained friends no matter how far away we lived from each other. We used to walk to the mall, and to the 7-11 for chocolate pies we would heat up in the microwave. We snuck out one night during a sleepover and months later told on ourselves because we were bragging to her sister and her mom heard us! I hit their mailbox, I argued with her sister. I wore dirty sneakers for cheerleading pictures..(her mom was sooo mad!) We may have liked the same boys at the same time, but never took one from each other... and NEVER had our boyfriend borrow our skates to skate with the other one of us...friends don't do that! We have a ton of fun stories and little jokes. My friends are my life preservers and I wouldn't do without any of them, so Thank You Terry.. and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

New Pix Posted

New Pictures.. check them out..

http://www.flickr.com/photos/40427330@N00/

I Lied..

I didn't even think before I did it, it just popped out of my mouth and there it was..

I told a young woman that I had a stroller I wasn't using and if she could use it, I would get it to her. I didn't have one at the time, but I did get her one. I was driving downtown coming home after going to the horse supply store. I noticed a woman walking with a stroller, a very decrepit stroller, with the wheels held on with some kind of wire. As I drove by I thought, " that really isn't safe". Then I thought about being a single mom with Kie and not having a stroller. I thought how much easier things may have been if I had one. Then I thought about Kie struggling as a single mom and what if that were her. I felt compelled to turn around, and I actually said a prayer, "Please let me find that girl and help her". I was on a one way street so I had to go around a couple blocks to get back where I was when I saw her, but she was gone. Again I said, "Please let me find her, I have to do this!" I turned down a side street to do another drive through, and there she was crossing on a lower street. I lowered my window and called out to her, " excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, I don't mean to, but could you use a stroller?" She looked at me a moment as I pulled over across from where she was. I told her I wasn't a crazy person, I had just seen her walking and remembered when our stroller started losing wheels and they don't make them like they use to. She smiled and relaxed a little. She said she had 3 daughters, 7,5, & 3. The stroller had almost lasted through all 3. It looked it. The closer I got the worse it looked. Beaten & bent. Beyond repair. I repeated my lie about having a stroller, and asked if I could get it to her later. I could give her my cell number and she could let me know where to bring it or where to meet her. She took my number and told me she was staying at a local shelter, I could bring it there. I got the kids sizes and asked her if anyone could use the infant car seats and a play pen I had, she gave me the name of another girl stating there with a 6 week old and a 2 year old.

I hit 3 thrift stores on the way home and couldn't find a used stroller. I went home and loaded up what I thought could be used, picked Hunter up from karate camp, then hit Walmart. I found shoes for $2.50. I found jackets for $3 & $4. I even found a stroller on clearance for $37. I called Brian to let him know I was buying some things and he called me "Claire" (from the movie Scrooged). I went to pay for my things and found my check card & ID were gone! I immediately called the horse supply store, nothing there. I called home and Chad didn't answer the phone. So I called my neighbor and asked her to go over and light a fire under him and have him call me. I was in a panic. Chad finally called to let me know he found my check card in my bathroom, it must have fallen out of my jeans. He also found my ID, but after Anise found it first and chewed on it. I had to go all the way home, get the cards, go back to that Walmart, then go downtown to the shelter. You should have seen me putting that stroller together in the Walmart parking lot then running it around my car several times so it would like I at least used it once! I thought I must be crazy to go through all this. The young woman called me to say she wouldn't be back at the shelter when I got there, but to let them know it was for her. I assured her I would. I got there and got things unloaded. I had tagged the things for the mom I met and the other girl she told me about and then I asked them if they could use any of the other things I had. The woman was so surprised I had brought unopened toys and clean, almost new clothes. I asked if they got enough things form the Salvation Army donation centers and she said they get what no one buys, which is usually the dregs no one wants. I was appalled. But she did say they kept any donations they got directly for use there at the shelter. I asked her if they could use anymore things and she said yes. I told her we will be going through alot of stuff and I would rather give it to them than give it to Good Will, or somewhere to be resold at a high price needy people can't afford.

Brian asked me if that satisfied my need to help someone. Well, it would have, but I saw several of the kids that live there and it broke my heart. We have so much, I can't just turn away and do nothing. So I will put out the word and when I am shopping and come across a $2-3 pair of shoes or a jacket, I will grab it and add it to a box to take down there. And I will not hesitate to offer help.. or maybe tell a little white lie.. the next time I see someone who may need something. And the reward? Thinking of Kierra started this mission for me today and as I was done and driving away the song "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts came on.. and I thought of her again....

What dreams may come..

Last night Brian & I both had some really weird dreams, Very real, very dramatic. Brian dreamt I was in a car accident with the twins. Alexa and I were fine, but he said Tristan had a pediatric walker because he hurt his legs. He told me about it this morning. I told him maybe it was a carry over from me picking up the kids from child care last night when I was really sick. He was probably worried and it carried over when he went to bed. I dreamt, hmm, it is dreaming when it is just voices you hear? I "dreamt" of Kierra screaming, over and over again.. "Where are my babies, where are my babies??" No matter how loud I screamed back that they were okay, they were here with us, she couldn't hear me. She just kept screaming it over and over, louder, and louder, crying, sobbing, still screaming. I tried everything to get through to her and nothing worked. I got so upset it woke me. Brian and I were both woken by our dreams and were up early before the alarm. I don't always remember my dreams, most people don't, yet Brian & I both remembered these in detail. We are hoping for peaceful sleep tonight. We'll just have to see what dreams may come...

Warning..raw emotion..be prepared..

Brian posted this on the Legacy Guestbook for Kierra, I thought it was worth sharing..
December 25, 2006
Merry Christmas Kierra (My Grouch),I love you and miss you bunches. Holidays just aren't the same without you. It seems that I never get the one thing I want the most for Christmas anymore. Last year it was to have you back. Even though I knew in my heart that was impossible, I thought just maybe... This year, I tried to scale back my wish thinking maybe there would be some chance. I wished that Alexa and Tristan could spend just one hour with you, now that they are old enough to have some lasting memories. I thought then they would have the memory of the sound of your voice, the feel of your hugs and kisses, and your scent to carry with them for the rest of their life. It's always been so painful knowing they were too young to have any of those to keep forever, before you were gone.They're both doing really good, much better than I'm doing this time of year. Me, I feel like the little doll on the Island of Misfit Toys in Rudolph, "I don't have any dreams left anymore!"All my love and hugs and kisses,Daddy

Christmas Day..

I watched the excitement and anticipation of the kids this morning, and I saw the simple joy as they unwrapped their gifts. Alexa hugged the boxes before she even knew what was inside. Tristan would unwrap a toy, then run & hide under the table to play with it. Hunter helped pass out the boxes, and kept thanking us for everything. Chad dragged himself up for the festivities, then went back to bed. Brianne was my elf this year. She and Justin spent the night and she helped me wrap, actually she did most of the wrapping (!), and helped me put together the kid's kitchen play set. I want to be a kid again.. it is just too cool. Things have come along way since the older kids were little. I fixed a big breakfast, so we'll do a late lunch/dinner later.

Brian & I were going to put flowers at Kierra's crash site, but I just couldn't find anyhting I felt was right. Everything was too hokey looking. I think I will wait til Tuesday and get some purple roses from Kuhn's Flowers. The sign we put up is gone, so I will put up another one. Not sure if it got torn down from the wind, or someone took it down. No biggie, I will just get another one! We went to Green Cove springs to see the lights the other night. The lights were great, the rest wasn't all that special. They had set up a skating rink, an inflated maze, had marshmallows to roast, etc. But it was too crowded. We are starting new traditions. We will continue the old, but the kids need some things that we can do without getting so sad.

Things have wound down and I have to go cook. The twins are resting, and Hunter is starting to settle down too. It doesn't feel much like Christmas Day. It is rainy, gray, and yucky outside, so I concentrate on the warmth and brightness of the decorations and lights on the inside. The laughter and innocence of children. Kierra watching over us all..

Hunter 12*25*06

Hunter 12 25 06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Tristan with Dancing Mumble

Tristan with Dancing Mumble
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Christmas Princess Alexa

Christmas Princess Alexa
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Too cute for words!

Tristan & Alexa 12*24*06

Tristan & Alexa 122406
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Tried to get them sitting still.. haha..

Hunter 4 7 2006

Hunter 4 7 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Happy 6th Birthday Hunter!

Hunter Newborn
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

6 years ago today a baby was born 2 months early, with a hard life ahead of him. We were blessed to be able to love and raise him to be the wonderful child he is today. Happy Birthday Baby Boy!!

Pieces... Peace

I got a call the other night from someone I hadn't seen or talked to in almost 5 years. It was Brent from Kaluby's Dance. Dori & I took ballroom dance classes once upon a time. It was alot of fun, but pretty expensive. We enjoyed it while we could. They were having a reunion Christmas party last night. Dori had to work and I was busy with the kids. I thought about going.. I watched the clock as I took Hunter to karate for his stripe testing..he now has 2 of the 3 stripes he needs to move up to his next belt. Then I got a call from the child care place that Tristan was having a bit of a temper tantrum and wouldn't calm down, so I left Brian with Hunter, and picked up the twins, took them home, got them to bed, then headed back to karate. I got there just as they finished up. Brian had an off duty job to go to, so I took Hunter home. I looked at the clock again and thought.. maybe I'll go, maybe I could still make it. I got Hunter settled, but then Alexa woke up crying. I checked the clock.. it would be close, but maybe I could still make it. Then Tristan woke up. I got him a drink, and headed to my room to see if I could get myself ready and get there. I looked in the mirror, heard Alexa again.. and realized there never really was a chance. I had green color stamps on my hands from "snippits" where I got all 3 kids hair cut. Even short my hair was a wreck. I looked tired and felt as bad as I looked. So I blew it off and played ping pong between Tristan & Alexa until Brian got home. 2 nights in a row the kids have been wound up and hard to settle. Brian comes home, goes in for 30 seconds.. boom, out like a light, not a peep out of them!

I missed going to that party. I miss going to the dance classes. I miss who I was and what my life was like before. I miss my daughter. Of course, not in that order. I don't miss going to Christmas parties per say. I am glad the only one we have is with family & friends this year. I have been bah humbugging alot. It takes more time & energy than I have. Hunter got upset over a song on the radio today and I told him it was okay to cry, and I missed Kierra too. He said "It's too hard to have Christmas without Kierra. How can I have a Merry Christmas Mom?" I told him there is good all around us. We have to look at the little things and enjoy them piece by piece. It is okay to miss her, but she loved the holidays and would want us to try for each other to enjoy them some too. Do you know how hard it is to encourage him and answer those questions when I have them myself?

He had a Polar Express party at school today. Everyone wore their pajamas. I let the twins go to day care and I spent the morning with Hunter in my pajamas. Then we went to his therapy appt. and then karate. After we picked up Tristan & Alexa we came home and instead of going in the house we went for a walk to see the lights in the neighborhood. Tristan & Alexa get so excited when we drive into the sub division after dark. We take a few detours and they get all excited.. yights! yights!... oooh pretty! So they really enjoyed walking around and seeing them. We practiced holding hands when we cross the street and they were so cute, all three of them, to make sure they held hands. Alexa held Hunter's most of the walk, Tristan held mine. They liked walking them selves with no wagon or stroller. So we ended the day on a good note. They are all sleeping now and I am not far off.

So my pieces (peace) for today were watching polar express in my PJs with Hunter, and the walk.

It's physical..

I woke up one night last week in a panic.. my chest hurt, I couldn't breathe.. I was in the misty fog of half sleep. At first I thought I had a bad dream.. I usually have a similar reaction if I dream about Kie's accident. But the emotion of that wasn't there.. then I remembered I had walking pneumonia. I had rolled from a sitting position to almost laying flat, and that is why I couldn't breathe and my chest hurt. I thought how odd that my body could have the same physical reaction to grief as I had with the pneumonia. Some people think it's all in your head, but even my Dr. has said that there are physical ramifications from emotional stress. It affects us in more ways than we realize. I am feeling better now, and can actually sleep without sitting up. It feels good to breathe normal again! Not much else is normal, so I will take what I can get!

Penguin update..

Everyone seems to be hitting the high point of 323.5.. I can't get past 323.4!! Greta said she got stuck on it for 45 minutes and can't break 300.. so keep smackin!!

Sibling Rivalry..

Okay, my little sister, Cricket, sent me this game.. her score was 265.1. I was feeling pretty proud to show off that I hit 320.9. Of course, sibling rivalry what it is, just minutes later she e-mails me the pic of her new score.. 322.9! So it's on! I'll take all the distractions I can get!! Join in.. let me know your score.. go smack a few penguins!

http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf

Hard Candy Christmas..

"I'll be fine and dandy

Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas

I'm barely getting through tomorrow

But still I won't let Sorrow bring me way down"

If I keep singing that I may finally get the tree decorated! It's been up since Monday night, but I have to find the lights and get them on before the ornaments can go on. Alexa walks in and puts her hands up in a shrug.."Tree in da house?!" Tristan nods his head, like .. Yea?.. and goes about playing. It will be neat to see their reaction when it is finally decorated and lit up. Hunter can't wait to help decorate and we have been talking about making cookies. It is hard to get in the mood, but I am trying. I will mail the last of the Christmas cards out tomorrow. I still have shopping to do, I can't even get excited about that!

Venting..

There are several situations circling around me and those I love that I am really having a hard time not speaking up about. As most of you know, I am not one to keep my mouth shut.. so why start now?? To save the feelings of those I love I guess.. so here is a generalized bitch session to no one in particular.. unless you are feeling guilty and then I may be talking about you!! Don't ya hate that!?

Why are parents always to blame for how screwed up we are?? Sometimes it may have some bearing, but we all reach an age when we can use the past as a tool to be better, stronger. Or we can use it to whine about it and use it as a crutch, or an easy excuse when we behave badly. At what point, (for some NEVER), do we truly grow up? When do we take responsibility for our own actions and choices instead of falling back on what we believe was a bad child hood? And why do we think it is okay to disrespect and hurt the feelings of someone we claim to love, because we still blame them for years old wrong doings? It seems so convenient to get what you want from them when you want it, then turn the other cheek and be hurtful and disrespectful once you have what you wanted. No matter how you slice it, that is dead wrong. Your parent, or parents, don't owe you anything. If you are not in jail or a psych ward, you are better off than some. If you have people who love you in your life, you are better off than most. So where is the thanks for what you do have instead of the damnation for what you don't? How easy it is to keep your hand out for what they are willing to give, but quick to slap them down with it when they ask for simple acknowledment or consideration in return. GROW UP!!

Then there are those with Peter Pan syndrome.. they will never grow up. No matter their age they are irresponsible. They make excuses, they lie.. whatever smooths over the latest screw up. And they expect you to pretend you don't know, everything is peachy keen, when in reality you want to choke them. Part of the problem is, I notice things, I see beyond what is on the surface. I tend to get "hunches", and on a rare occasion I am wrong. Which means on the rest of the occasions, I am dead on. It sucks. I wish I lived in a bubble. I wish I could flip a switch, put on my smiley face and wipe the slate clean. Wishing doesn't make it so.

Then there are people who had no problem disappearing from the twins lives before Kierra died, yet now send Christmas cards like it is just another Holiday. As tho her death clears them of all wrong doing. BS! I have a box of things for when the twins are older and I put things like that in the box. I have no use for those cards or those people, but what the twins do with them is their choice. Because we all have choices, we make them every day. WE make them, WE choose. If someone else influences our choice, it is because WE let them! So grow up, own your own choices.

Sick & Tired..Tired & Sick..

After all 3 kids took their turn at the croupy crud, it is now my turn! I am tired of runny noses and sleepless nights! I now have walking pneumonia and have to sleep sitting up! So bear with me and I will be in touch as I find the time & energy!

Good News.. Brian started on day shift yesterday!! 10a-6p Mon -Fri. December is a bit crazy because it is earlier than planned and he has other jobs he committed to.. but WooHoo!

A Gentle Reminder..

I am amazed at what other people can do with their lives. A dear friend, Terry M., has recently posted on her blog about Christ being left out of Christmas. Although I have my spiritual doubts I have always hated how quickly commercialism has invaded our space with Christmas decorations and promos before Thanksgiving. Some even started at Halloween this year!http://rocksinmydryer.typepad.com/shannon/ Visit this link to another blog I read. She posted about a very neat idea called a Jessie Tree. You can learn more about it on her site. Just a gentle reminder for those who believe, faith is not lost.

I am beat!

I am so done! Today was a good day, but a long one. I only got a few hours sleep last night, then up and out early today. Had a great day with my S-I-L, Lisa. We went to the outlet malls in St. Augustine. I did very well watching my pennies, and managed to pick up some good deals on a few Christmas gifts.. and helped Lisa find some good deals too (LJ, you know you still love me!). Then we picked up Hunter, got back to the house, then went to the grocery store, went to Target to get a b-day present, back to the house, up to the Northside to pick up Randy, over to the southside to Dave & Buster's, ate dinner, played some games, went toward the beaches to pick up the twins from day care, they screamed all the way home (didn't want their cups when I offered, but wanted them once we were on the road!), Hunter sang Rudolph ten times (probably to block out the twins!), I resisted turning the radio on full blast, got them home, got them unloaded, Chad helped get them ready for bed, got Hunter into bed & settled, and I am about to fix a cup of coffee with Bailey's and go in the hot tub!

Tomorrow we have a meeting with a builder and designer..things are moving along with the renovation plans, more about that later! Barney (the horse) did not need surgery, maybe it's just a serious infection, will know in a couple weeks when they recheck him after being on meds a couple weeks. So far, so good!

I am beat.. like overwhipped egg whites.. like an old dirty rug.. like a well worn path..

Life doesn't come with a warranty..

and neither does a horse! Barney is having some bladder issues, but is doing better. The first thing Brian (& Terri) asked me was.. doesn't he have a warranty? No, he doesn't. He had a Vet exam when I bought him and I took ownership. It is a bit different from buying an animal from a pet store, and other than Terri's goldfish, pet stores only give you 3 days. I saw him and rode him a few weeks ago, I know he wasn't having the problem then. It is like people with kidney stones, you can't predict who will have a problem or when. It just happens. Same thing with Barney. So instead of getting my laptop for Christmas, I am getting a vet bill for my horse! We are hoping it is minor and the bill will be minor too! I am not worried about not getting a lap top, I am worried about my horse! I know he is in good hands & I will be going up this weekend. This is the only part I don't like about having him 5 hours away!

Brenda & I went to a horse show yesterday and I got Barney & Tortuga new halters and a new lead. It was fun to see all the different horses and types of riding. I saw someone I knew years ago. She owns a pet store on the Northside. She was in the Novice level events and had a beautiful horse we had noticed before I recognized her. There were some kids riding and I thought how cool it would be for the kids to do things like that. And the parking and event were both free! The prices for the tack items were very reasonable too. So it was enjoyable and low cost..my kind of fun!

Not Today!!

That is something Hunter used to say alot. It was always cute when you would ask him something and he would pipe up.. "Not Today"! Well, that is what the anesthesiologist said to us on Friday about Tristan's surgery. He was getting congested and with his history of asthma and never having surgery before, they thought it was a bad idea to do it. He would have to be intubated for the adenoid surgery and that promotes bronchial spasms, which can encourage an asthma attack if he is having issues already. Not good during surgery. So we will reschedule probably for the first week in January. I will let you all know. They offered to do his ear tubes, but it was crazy to put him through 2 seperate surgeries, so we will wait and do it all at once. Brian had taken the day off, so we ran some errands, and we all went to see Happy Feet with Brianne & Brenda Friday night. The kids loved the movie. Alexa hid her face during the first half, but then was fine. I think it was because we had the stroller and were very close to the screen. It was a cute movie, and it was nice to see it as a family.

Brian, Hunter, & Tinkerbell

Brian, Hunter, & Tinkerbell
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Group pic

Group pic
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

It is impossible to get everyone smiling in a picture! This is the closest we got.

Hunter & Brian 11-24-06

Hunter & Brian 11-24-06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Brian & Hunter from our Thanksgiving trip to Orlando.

Giving back to yourself..

I was telling someone very near & dear to me about something women tend to do. Okay, some men may do it too, but primarily women are the care givers. I will use myself as an example.. I put out (no snickers!) a large amount of emotional energy. I give love to those around me, I give encouragement to my children & my husband daily.. have a good day, etc. I listen to and give advice (wanted or otherwise) to those around me. I go out of my way to solve problems and prevent the ones I love from worrying or stressing. I grocery shop, cook, clean (sometimes!), and I always try to help whenever I can.. bagging the groceries, helping people with their packages or finding something they can't seem to locate. It is just an ingrained part of who I am. I volunteer, I go to meetings, help out on committees, I have a hard time saying no. I am not tooting my own horn, honestly, we all do it. In different ways, we generally give out more than we get back.

I know my background leaves me with considerable low self esteem, and no matter how much I tell myself otherwise.. I do not value myself as much as I value those I love. So for a long time I couldn't do things just for me. I have learned and it has made such a difference. I still battle with feeling selfish and guilty. But there has to be a way to give something back to yourself. It does not have to be a day at the spa. It can be as simple as reading a book, taking a bubble bath. Renting one of your favorite movies and actually watching the whole thing uninterrupted! Just take a few minutes to give something back to yourself!

Because if you don't, you will drain yourself emotionally dry. You become overwhelmed and exhausted. You don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have done that many times and when I do, I am no good to anyone, not even myself. So make a promise to yourself today, in some small way.. give back to yourself, and you will be able to keep giving to eveyone else!

Giving Thanks...

We just couldn't do the whole traditional Thanksgiving thing this year. So Brian picked Orlando for us to take the kids to for a few days. He went when he was young on Thanksgiving Day and the place was empty. Boy have times changed! It was packed. The lines were long and the place was wall to wall people. We didn't get to do much at the Magic Kingdom, but the next day at Epcot was a little better and the kids seemed to enjoy it more. Then we went to MGM in the evening for the laser light water show, Fantasmic. That was pretty cool. We had good seats, which meant when the wind blew mist from the water out over the crowd we got misted too. Alexa didn't like it, but Tristan didn't care. Then we went to see the Christmas lights on the streets of America that MGM has set up. It was cool. They had it snowing, which were really just bubbles, but it was cool anyway. The buildings were competely covered by lights and every 20 minutes they would go out and then do a show synchronized to music. It was way cool. It had it's hard moments too, but we knew it would. Kierra should have been there for their first visit to Disney. It is one of their many firsts that she will miss and they will miss having her share it. We are Thankful.. we are thankful we have them to carry on a part of her. We are thankful for all of our children, our grandchildren, our family, and our friends. I am trying to be thankful for the years I had Kierra here with me, and not let the years I have lost overshadow that.

I will be posting more pix soon, but there are a few from Orlando here..

http://www.flickr.com/photos/40427330@N00/306604244/

Posting pix to the blog seems to be a problem right now, but that link takes you to the entire photo gallery I upload my photos to, so go take a look.

Greta's B-day!

Once again the system is being flaky about posting pix, so go here..

http://www.flickr.com/photos/40427330@N00/307929380/ to view recent pix. There are some from Greta's birthday party Nov. 12th. Her actual birthday was the 11th. She thought she was just coming over for Sunday dinner.. gotcha Sis! It was good to celebrate something. I won't give away her age, but it was a milestone and she deserved to be special for the big day!

Tortuga, Me, & Walker 11-19-06

Tortuga, Me, & Walker 11-19-06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Tortuga, she looks small here! 11-19-06

Tortuga, she looks small here! 11-19-06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Isn't he handsome?! 11-19-06

Isn't he handsome?! 11-19-06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Barney aka Bonanza's Pleasure, and me!

The Places We Go...

I have a life time of memories of places we've been, things we've done. Most of them involve Kierra, Brianne, Chad, & Hunter in the order of when they came into our lives and all the different places we have lived and visited. There are a few memories specific to each one as well. The horse ranch in Georgia is one of the few places Kierra had not gone to yet. She was not living with us the first time the rest of us went there and Brianne and I are the only ones who have continued to go back. Kierra and I had talked about her going at some point, the time just never came before she was gone. It is one of many regrets.

So although I think of her when I am there, I do not have memories of her there, around every corner, or on a specific horse, or in the various rooms of the ranch. She does not.. haunt (?) me there as she does here at home and everywhere else I go. Haunt is not the right word. Haunt seems to carry a negative meaning to some people, and my thoughts and memories of her are not negative or unwanted in any way. Yet even my happy memories bring pain with the remembering and I guess that is the part I don't carry with me when I go to the ranch. I can think of her and know how much she would love it there with out the pain of seeing her there in the past. I am not sure if that will make sense to you. But I think that is why I can find peace there, when I have not been able to find it anywhere else.

I will be taking Hunter, Tristan & Alexa there alot and share with them the love of horses Kierra, Brianne and I have always had. Brian & Chad aren't as avid fans, but I am sure they will be involved more too. We are now the owners of an American Quarter Horse and a Percheron Filly.

It was too good an opportunity to pass up and I am excited for the enrichment it will give to all of us (even Brian & Chad!)

Bonanza's Pleasure aka "Barney".. a 1991 Dark Chestnut Quarter Horse, 16+ hands. Merit Certificate in the show ring, registered AQHA. English and Western pleasure trained. Excellent arena manners for riding lessons. Especially gentle with children. Someday I will share the story of my 23 year record that he recently broke!

"Tortuga", Hunter calls her Tug.. a 2006 (May 22) Black Percheron filly. She will be up to 18 hands tall. Her breed is among the Draft horse lines. I have ridden her mother and love the largeness of the breed and their gentle nature. At 6 months her back is already up to my shoulders. It will be really special to watch her grow and be part of raising her.

Hunter and I went there this past weekend, Brenda went with us. Brian was supposed to go, but work couldn't manage without him. We got to stay in the room they have with a covered wagon kid's bed in it. It was too cute and Hunter thought it was great. Brenda got to ride the much loved Percheron, Stella, and has a new found favorite, a quarter horse named T-bone. Hunter got to ride double with me on a large mare, Snowy and with Brenda on Stella. He got to ride Barney in the arena. He can't quite understand why he can't ride Tug yet. She is already so big it is hard to explain she is still just a baby when she is almost as tall as some of the full grown horses. Hunter also made some new friends, so Sunday he was happier playing with them than riding. That gave Brenda and I the chance to go out and do some trotting, cantering, and leisurely riding without the age old questions.. are we done yet? When do we go back? When can we eat? They also don't have the right size saddles for double riding at his age so it wasn't the most comfortable ride, especially with the added equipment he has being a boy! They have padded go-behind saddles we will try next time.

I am excited for the twins to go and meet their new companions. Of course, expect alot of pictures. I will post some as soon as Brenda gets them to me. I bought a disposable camera which didn't work once we got out there, but she got some great shots I will share as soon as I get them. Making new memories.. and cherishing the ones left behind..

More Medical Stuff for Tristan..

Yesterday was Tristan's recheck with his ENT doc. No improvement on the infections or the hearing. So Tristan will have surgery December 1st to have his adenoids removed and all the yucky stuff cleaned out. They will also put temporary tubes in his ears to help keep the fluid from settling back in behind his ear drum. Time will tell if he will regain the hearing in his left ear. It is usually an outpatient surgery, but because of Tristan's history with asthma they will probably keep him overnight.

Then today we went to the speech therapist for Tristan's evaluation. He tests at about a 15-18 month old range. The surgery may improve his hearing, but he will still need help to catch up, so he will go twice a week for 5 months for speech therapy. Never a dull moment!

Darkness and Light..

As the first moments of this day dawned I sat at the spot where my child lost her life a year ago. I put a new sign up at the spot where she died. I was cold, alone, and empty. I fear that is how she was on that horrible day. I couldn't stop myself from thinking that. I came home after a while and I climbed in to bed hugging her stuffed monkey to my chest. I fell asleep with my tears running down my face. I dreamt in bits and pieces and slept the same. I felt Brian get into bed next to me when he came home in the middle of the night and I felt him hold me close, and I felt the tears still on my face. I couldn't turn to him and I couldn't speak, I let my dreams take me away again. I woke some time later with my head pounding and my eyes sore and puffy. I got up and went out to the couch, put a hot compress across my face and fell back to sleep. I woke in the wee hours after one of the good dreams and dragged myself into the reality of what today is.. the reminder of the worst day of my life.

I got the kids up and all out the door. Then came back home, thought about going back to bed but couldn't do it. I ended up taking out all my kitchen drawers, fixing the ones that were starting to fall apart, and went through everything and made a goodie bag for Bri of all the gadgets and utensils I don't use or need. Brian and I spent a little time together before he had to go to work for mandatory OT from 3p-2a. I picked Hunter up from school and decided he & I should go to a movie, so we saw Santa Clause 3. Not bad, it was a distraction and gave me some one on one with him. Then we picked up Tristan & Alexa, came home, got everyone ready for bed and they are settling down for the night. This day is finally almost over.

I found myself not wanting to give this day too much merit. Not wanting the grief and anger of this day to overshadow her life. I did not miss her more today than the other 364 days that have passed. I did not think of her more than I do every day since then. So why would I allow today to have more meaning than all the other days. She was stolen from me, she was ripped from my life. That is no less true on any other day. It signifies a total, a finite number for an infinite amount of pain and loss. So why do we do that? Why do we give power to something so awful? The 13th of every month has sucked for me, but so have many other days. It isn't in memory of her that I mourn for her. So I will use this day as a renewal of my wish to celebrate her, to remember what was bright and beautiful in her. I will try to keep the shadows at bay. I know they will still come and some times I will invite them. But I will see more of the sun and I will try to let it's warmth fend off the cold, dark gray of my grief. Even now as the dark surrounds me, I close my eyes, I see her smile, and all around her I see the light..

Incommunicado

That is how I will be tomorrow. As much as I can appreciate everyone's love and concern, I am barely holding it together today, I know I will be useless tomorrow. I will get Hunter to school and the twins to daycare and then I may just spend the rest of the day in bed, I really don't know, but I will not be answering my phone or my door. I may check my voice mail, I may check my e-mail, I may blog if the mood strikes me. But I am not promising to do anything. This is just too hard, too painful and I can't find the words to make it easier for myself or anyone else. Know that I love you all, and I will be okay, I just have to get through the day, one minute at a time, in my time, in my way. Thank you for understanding that..

A year ago, a moment ago..

I had planned to take Hunter camping with Greg & Lisa. It was supposed to be the first time I used my new sidekick kayak. It took me quite a while but I finally got the kayak tied down on top of my van and headed out. I had a few errands to run, but planned on being on my way by 9:30am. Despite all my efforts, the kayak diodn't do so well on top of the car. It made this awful humming noise and the vibration was beyond annoying. I had a 4 plus hour drive. So I pulled into a parking lot, rearranged the van and took the kayak down and tried to put it inside the van. It is a very long kayak. It barely fit and completely blocked my right window and rearview mirror. So I finally gave up, tried to find a route home that only required left turns and made it safely back to the house. I unloaded the kayak, put it back in the garage, rearranged the van yet again.

Just as I was about to pull out of the driveway Kierra pulled up with the twins. She just needed to run in and use the phone real quick. I stayed at her car with the twins while she made her call, and then we talked a few minutes before we were both on or way. We made plans to take the twins to the zoo on Tuesday. She'd been working alot and that was her next day off. She also put in her bid for her favorite Thanksgiving Day dishes and we planned to go grocery shopping together too. I told her I would see her Tuesday and yelled "Love you" as I got in my car and she got in hers, she stuck her head out her window and yelled "love you too!" That was the last time I saw her alive..

I cursed that kayak all weekend, now I am so grateful and know despite my doubts and anger with God, there was a reason I was delayed that day, a reason I had to go back home, and it had nothing to do with the kayak..It is futile for me to wish I had known, had sensed the importance of those few moments. They bring me as much comfort as they do pain. It was a year ago, but just a moment ago..

all around me..

Tonight I met some of the JACKPOTT Moms at a place called pottery works. It was interesting. I question my creativity! There were 4 of us who showed up. We went next door to Jason's Deli for a bite to eat afterward. We got to talking about Kierra, the twins, the affect it has on the twins, Hunter, me.. it seems to be all around me and I know it will be more so as the day approaches. Lisa S. (a fellow JACKPOTT Mom) gave me a beautiful angel statue with a dolphin on it, she is always so thoughtful and listens to me ramble, often!

This week I have gotten a call from dear friends of ours in Michigan, and a high school friend of Ki's. Andrea called today, she used to work at Applebee's with Ki. They are doing a car wash fundraiser for the twins at Applebees this Sunday from 12-4. She wants to do something to help and also to remember Ki. Greta's birthday is this weekend and now my Mom has decided to come into town. It will be busy. Several people asked if we were going to have any type of memorial service, but we aren't. I will do something on here for whoever wants to leave a comment of a memory or their thoughts, but honestly, It would take too much emotional energy. It would be more for everyone else, and I just can't be there for everyone else right now. Maybe next year, we'll have to see.

Click for Pix..

I am having major problems loading pictures onto this blog, but I have added more pix to the photo gallery, so click on any picture in my blog and it should take you to the photo gallery where you can view all photos. I add new ones all the time and there are alot I didn't post to the blog. So go browse (button to the right of the picture it takes you to on the website) and enjoy!

Alexa as Snow White 10*31*06

Alexa as Snow White
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

I still have to get pix from Greta. This is fuzzy, but isn't she too cute?!

Coons, Trees, Sore muscles, Big Butts, & Cheaters!

First, the "coon".. our first night here one of the guys wanted us to try his "barbecue". It was Raccoon meat with barbecue sauce and sweet potatoes. Despite the automatic Eeeeew factor, we all tried a bite and it was edible. It might have been better if I liked barbecue sauce at all, but I don't! They are big hunters around these parts. I told Bri & Dori you should at least try new things before you say you don't like them.. I had to eat my own words!

We have ridden different horses since we got here. One of the horses I have been riding is Missy. She can be a handful, but likes to run. The first time I got her up to a good canter we had made the horses turn back down the main trail. They wanted to head back to the barn, but we were more stubborn than they were.. or so I thought! Missy let me enjoy my run, had me feeling pretty confident, until she took a hard left right into the trees! Thank goodness I am short and I yanked back hard on her reigns. I ducked and missed being knocked out of the saddle. I also made her go back down the trail and we did it my way. You can still see her hoof marks in the clay where we did our "brake check"!
Needless to say we have used muscles our body forgot we had. I have faired better than Bri & Dori, but had a few sore spots too. So we made use of a new service you can call out for here at the ranch... a masseuse! Brianne had her first massage, and is now hooked. Dori & I are already among the addicted, so we all enjoyed the chance to relax. We met an older gentleman here visiting from Germany, Christoff, who was quite surprised we would get a massage from a man. In Germany they are done mostly by women. He teased us before he left this morning about ruining our massage by going riding again. He was headed to Nashville for the next part of his trip. I got him the info for the Opryland Hotel and once he heard they also had a golfcourse he said he would be staying there. I hope he enjoys it and has Godspeed and safe travel home.

Now I bet you are intrigued by the Big Butts title...well.. they have Percheron draft horses here. Dori has been riding Stella. So Brianne & I asked if we could ride one as well. They let me ride Marge, and they got Trudi out of the pasture for Bri. Boy do they make me feel small! When we were all ready to ride the girls from the stable, Marei & Connie, came out with their cameras and asked if they could take pictures. Most people won't ride them because they are so big and intimidating so they hadn't had all 3 out at the same time before. They even took pictures from the back of the horses. We had been joking.."does this saddle make my butt look big??", well on those horses nothing looks big! They were great to ride, quite different from the average horse. They want to use the pix for their website and calendar.. hopefully not the "butt" shots.
We have been falling asleep by 9:30 every night..and getting up before 6 am! The cool country air, riding horses 4 hours a day, the huge meals, and the quiet here at night are all very conducive to sleep. I wake up after a couple hours, but don't want to wake up the others, so I stay in bed and usually fall back asleep for awhile. Then I lay awake and wait til I hear someone else awake, then we get up and go get hot tea and wait for breakfast. Tonight we are up late! We played cards after dinner. We were playing Go Fish after we played Rummy. I took a bathroom break and when I got back we played Spoons. Dori and Brianne hatched a plan to cheat, but Dori got flustered when she heard me coming out of the bathroom and dealt the "cheatin" cards wrong. So at the end when Brianne lost they spilled the beans and we laughed so hard we almost wet our pants.
We head home tomorrow after our morning ride. It has been great. I haven't felt so relaxed in so long. I wish Brian enjoyed riding more. I had tried calling him from out on the trail today and Bri & Dori got the horses running without warning me and I almost dropped my phone! It was the first time I took it on the trail. The Brats! I am looking forward to coming back in the spring with Brenda. We missed you girl! Thanks to Greta and Randy for taking the kids for the weekend! Thank You to Chad & Brian for holding down the fort at home. I will post pix tomorrow night!

No Pix

I can't get the pictures to load from here, so I will work on that tomorrow night when I get home and get everyone settled, sorry! I will have Halloween pix, and the pix from this weekend!

Scratching an Itch!

Brianne, Dori, & I are at a horse ranch in Georgia. Brenda was supposed to come, but couldn't. (That's another blog.) We miss you Bren! Dori was working in Atlanta which is just an hour from here, so she came over. Brianne and I got here earlier than Dori yesterday so we were able to go out on the afternooon ride. When we got done we came out of the barn and saw Dori by one of the fences. I thought she was doing the "pee pee" dance and was going to tell her the barn had a bathroom, but as we got closer I noticed her rubbing her feet and hands together. In her excitement to see the horses she had climbed under one of the fences and she was having a major allergic reaction from the grass or something on it or in it. She couldn't stop the itch and was scratching all over. By the time we reached the room her hands and feet were flame red and swelling. She took some allergy meds and finally decided to get in the shower and see if that helped. Brianne and I were sitting on the bed and about fell off laughing as Dori vocalized her pain/pleasure in the shower. It ranged from OOOOH, Ahhhhhhh, God Bless America! to throaty groans. Anyone else would have thought of When Harry Met Sally, but it didn't sound like she was faking it! So we had an interesting start to our weekend! She is a little better today. I get hives quite often the past few months. The Dr. says it is stress induced.. go figure! I can totally empathize with Dori, but I couldn't stop laughing!!

All About The Treats!

At least that is how Alexa saw Halloween. She dressed up like Snow White. I was waiting to blog to get the pictures loaded, but having some snags, will get them on soon! Tristan was his new favorite hero, Buzz Lightyear. And Hunter was Leonardo, one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (That was a blast from the past!) Hunter showed them the ropes and then Tristan & Alexa caught on fast and were on the run for the goodies. Alexa refused to say the "trick" part of Trick or Treat. She would smile big, open her bag and say Treeeat! Then she would turn and make a mad dash down the driveway to the wagon and she was ready to go to the next house. A few people had their lights on, but didn't answer the door. Alexa would get mad and say "No Treat!" and do her mean look. So off we went to another house. It was about a 30 minute adventure and then back to home. Tristan followed Hunter & Alexa, but didn't have the same enthusiasm. I took all three over to Greta & Randy's beforehand and Tristan wouldn't wear his costume until we got to their house. I have a great pic of Alexa, then tried to get one of allthree in front of one of the houses that was all decorated, but niether one of the boys wanted to sit still, and anytime I tried to get one of Tristan, he turned and ran or hid. I think Greta got some good shots at her place. I will post them as soon as I can.

It was another bittersweet day for me. Last year Kierra and Darnell took them around the neighborhood. For some of our neighbors that was the last time they saw Kierra. She always loved going to Universal and Busch Gardens for their Halloscream stuff. I will have to find and scan the pic of Kierra at Halloween in 2003. She was very pregnant and dressed up as a fairie. It is a picture with her & Brenda dressed up as a princess (of course!). Halloween is the kick off of all the holidays, ugh! This month will be hard. We are planning alot of distractions. For now the kids are high on sugar and had a great time. We will take one day at a time.