Friday, December 16, 2005

Where & How do I Start??

I have always thought myself a pretty "together" person.. I am not even sure who I am anymore.. I have done many things and been many places, but this is such a foreign place to be.. I don't know the language in this new world, and I definitely don't want to be here!!

Kierra was born on June 9, 1981, a Tuesday at 7:10 pm.. after a very long labor of 18 hours. I was young, the Dr. was old.. natural childbirth was the only option offered. She came screaming into this world at 6 pounds 10 ounces.. born with dark hair and almost olive skin, not the normal red and wrinkly stuff.. she soon lost all the dark hair and had white blonde silk fuzz until she was over a year old. Her daughter, Alexa looks just like her..

My daughter had a daughter, and a son.. Tristan, 22 months old now. I struggle with the knowledge they are too young to have a lasting memory of her. She fought for their lives from the moment she knew they were within her. She put herself at great risk to carry them to 37 weeks.. they were born at 37 weeks 1 day gestation. She insisted they wait to be sure the babies had the best chance. The Dr. finally insisted on a c-section due to Kierra's declining health. Alexa was first at 5 lbs 14 oz, Tristan 1 minute behind at 6 lbs 2 oz. It was a good delivery. They were strong and healthy. It wasn't until a couple hours later we noticed Tristan was breathing harder than his sister and he was admitted into the Neonatal ICU. He had fetal pneumonia. They assured us it is common in both boys and the 2nd child born, Tristan got a double whammy and 11 days in the NICU. It killed Kierra to leave him and bring Alexa home, but she went to be with him at least once a day, usually twice.

Those babies changed her life, and ours. Just as she changed mine over 24 years ago. She & I had a rough time her first year of life. Alot of changes for us. I struggled as a single Mom from the time she was 10 months old until we moved to Wyoming when she was almost 2. When we "married" her Daddy, Brian.. she called him that the day after we met him. It all seems so long ago and far away now. Time moves with the strangest of paces. I can't believe she has been gone over a month now.. yet the hours seem to be insurmountable to end this day.

I can't promise what you will find here.. I know I have always written, journaled, let things pour out of me onto paper or computer.. rarely do I share.. but Kierra's life was so full, both of bitter and sweet, and ended much too quickly. It can't just be snuffed out like that, to be gone with no mention.. so I will mention her here.. share my thoughts, memories, and what our lives and her children's lives are like now. I am sure there will be happy & sad, intertwined like so much of our lives are now, with what should have been and what we can't imagine it will be....

without Kierra..

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