I remember a time when life was so much simpler. I remember a time when distance made the heart grow fonder & so many things in life were free! Now gas prices are higher than ever before & the cost of living life in this day & age has an expensive pricetag emotionally & financially. A price too high at times.
I think back to when my older children were very young. We survived on alot less money than we have now, of course, we lived simpler then too. We have a home now after so many years of renting while Brian was in the Air Force. We have so much more now than we had back then. But is that really a good thing? Now with the failing economy, and all that goes with that, we struggle to survive.
I am considering going to school in the fall. I am thinking of going to Culinary School. I want to have a catering business or a small cafe at some point. Some education to back that up will help alot. It takes more than just liking to cook to make it a business. I keep thinking of what I could do that I would really enjoy doing. That is top of my list. I am not sure if that is a realistic goal or not. I think part of it is needing to take control of my life again rather than just navigating the rapids as I float down the river.
I am not sure there is a way to make our lives simpler, but I have to have hope it will get better.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
You never really know someone..
I wish I could get inside people's heads so I could figure out what the hell they are thinking! So I could make their brain work & help them understand that they just aren't getting what I am trying to do/say.
My hubby says I give too much, do too much. Maybe I do. He feels I don't get enough consideration/ appreciation for my time & trouble. There are times I don't. Getting something back isn't why I do it. I thought I was helping someone out of a bad situation. I thought they wanted a better life, a place of their own. But I am getting burned out. I don't have the energy to constantly make someone else feel better. I can't help someone who won't help themselves.
I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have dinner fixed for me once in a while. I wonder what it would be like to be invited out to do something I like to do & have them actually pay for a change. It isn't just about that, there is so much more. It is about simple consideration.
But it gets turned around & twisted. We don't care, we don't understand. We are pushing them out when they thought this was a "forever" situation. They hear what they want to hear & hear nothing else. It is hurtful to give so much, to care so much & have it thrown aside so callously. Like a child's temper tantrum when they throw & break their toys. If we didn't care we wouldn't have opened our home, rearranged our children & home to accomodate them.
Yet none of that counts, providing everything for them has meant nothing. To feel used up & thrown aside isn't new to me, it's just been a long time since I let someone get close enough to do that to me. To feel like I was a means to an end, to be drained and turned into the bad guy really sucks. I didn't think it would become such a negative situation.
It will be a very long time before I help someone again. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.. I have several routes to choose from!
My hubby says I give too much, do too much. Maybe I do. He feels I don't get enough consideration/ appreciation for my time & trouble. There are times I don't. Getting something back isn't why I do it. I thought I was helping someone out of a bad situation. I thought they wanted a better life, a place of their own. But I am getting burned out. I don't have the energy to constantly make someone else feel better. I can't help someone who won't help themselves.
I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have dinner fixed for me once in a while. I wonder what it would be like to be invited out to do something I like to do & have them actually pay for a change. It isn't just about that, there is so much more. It is about simple consideration.
But it gets turned around & twisted. We don't care, we don't understand. We are pushing them out when they thought this was a "forever" situation. They hear what they want to hear & hear nothing else. It is hurtful to give so much, to care so much & have it thrown aside so callously. Like a child's temper tantrum when they throw & break their toys. If we didn't care we wouldn't have opened our home, rearranged our children & home to accomodate them.
Yet none of that counts, providing everything for them has meant nothing. To feel used up & thrown aside isn't new to me, it's just been a long time since I let someone get close enough to do that to me. To feel like I was a means to an end, to be drained and turned into the bad guy really sucks. I didn't think it would become such a negative situation.
It will be a very long time before I help someone again. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.. I have several routes to choose from!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
For Brian.. Jes Voux Aime' Beaucoup
I came accross one of many journals I have kept over the years. There were entries from when Brian was deployed with Desert Storm. I had to fly from England to St. Petersburg, FL with the 3 older kiddos who were 11, 8, & 6 at the time. It was a 16 hour series of flights. All I could think of despite all the traveling & chaos was "Brian will be at the other end." That was Oct. 25, 1992. Here are a couple short poems I wrote for him while we were on our way..
On wings of air I am carried to you,
floating amoung clouds so blue.
My pulse quickens, my heart's a flutter,
the words rush out, all in a stutter.
How to express something so deep,
to give you my heart & soul to keep.
You are my life, my precious lover,
come to me now, I want no other.
_________________________________________
The ache..
so deep
so pure
It's physical
The need..
so great
so pure
It's physical
The love..
so strong
so pure
It's yours..
mjs 10/25/1992
On wings of air I am carried to you,
floating amoung clouds so blue.
My pulse quickens, my heart's a flutter,
the words rush out, all in a stutter.
How to express something so deep,
to give you my heart & soul to keep.
You are my life, my precious lover,
come to me now, I want no other.
_________________________________________
The ache..
so deep
so pure
It's physical
The need..
so great
so pure
It's physical
The love..
so strong
so pure
It's yours..
mjs 10/25/1992
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Don't Make Me Come Up There..
I remember like it was yesterday
Saying the things we always say
Laughs & giggles, time for bed
Hearing noises over my head
Don’t make me come up there
I’m counting to three
Don’t make me come up there
I will, you wait & see
You stomping up the stairs
Slamming doors without a care
Wishing you would lose that frown
Hoping you would settle down
Don’t make me come up there
I’m counting to three
Don’t make me come up there
I will, you wait & see
Watching you sprout your wings
Packing up all your things
Going out on your own
Living so far from home
Don’t make me come up there
I’m counting to three
Don’t make me come up there
I will, you wait & see
Wish you were still up in your room
Your life ended way too soon
I remember like it was yesterday
Heaven is just too far away
Don’t make me come up there
I’m counting to three
Don’t make me come up there
I will, you wait & see
Mjs 2/10/11
Saying the things we always say
Laughs & giggles, time for bed
Hearing noises over my head
Don’t make me come up there
I’m counting to three
Don’t make me come up there
I will, you wait & see
You stomping up the stairs
Slamming doors without a care
Wishing you would lose that frown
Hoping you would settle down
Don’t make me come up there
I’m counting to three
Don’t make me come up there
I will, you wait & see
Watching you sprout your wings
Packing up all your things
Going out on your own
Living so far from home
Don’t make me come up there
I’m counting to three
Don’t make me come up there
I will, you wait & see
Wish you were still up in your room
Your life ended way too soon
I remember like it was yesterday
Heaven is just too far away
Don’t make me come up there
I’m counting to three
Don’t make me come up there
I will, you wait & see
Mjs 2/10/11
Monday, February 07, 2011
Corn Chowder
I am creating this recipe based on what I had available to make it today. I don't have a set recipe for this. You can use the basic recipe for this to make clam chowder or fish chowder instead of corn chowder.
*28 oz potatoes (sunrise medley with white, red, & purple potatoes)cut into small bite size pieces. (Can also use 6-8 regular potatoes, cut up)
*1/2 cup minced sweet onion
*8 strips bacon chopped up into small pieces
Boil above items in large pan (dutch oven works well) for about 30-45 minutes, until potatoes are cooked. Just cover with water, don't overfill.
Add
*1 can of evaporated milk
*1 stick of butter
*1 can of whole kernel corn with water, do not drain
*2 cans of cream style corn
(if you don't have cream style corn you can use 3 whole kernel & add 1 pkg of instant potatoes to thicken the chowder)
*Use salt & pepper to taste. I use Morton's Nature's Seasoning which also has garlic in it.
Let simmer for 15-20 minutes.
You can tweek this to your own preferences. Sometimes I add green onion when ready to simmer it instead of regular onion at the beginning.
*28 oz potatoes (sunrise medley with white, red, & purple potatoes)cut into small bite size pieces. (Can also use 6-8 regular potatoes, cut up)
*1/2 cup minced sweet onion
*8 strips bacon chopped up into small pieces
Boil above items in large pan (dutch oven works well) for about 30-45 minutes, until potatoes are cooked. Just cover with water, don't overfill.
Add
*1 can of evaporated milk
*1 stick of butter
*1 can of whole kernel corn with water, do not drain
*2 cans of cream style corn
(if you don't have cream style corn you can use 3 whole kernel & add 1 pkg of instant potatoes to thicken the chowder)
*Use salt & pepper to taste. I use Morton's Nature's Seasoning which also has garlic in it.
Let simmer for 15-20 minutes.
You can tweek this to your own preferences. Sometimes I add green onion when ready to simmer it instead of regular onion at the beginning.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Life is a theatre..
Invite your Audience CAREFULLY!
Not everyone is emotionally healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in our lives who are best loved at a distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, pointless relationships & friendships.
Consider your current relationships. Pay attention who lifts & who leans, who encourages & who discourages, who is on a path of growth & who is going down fast. When you leave certain people, do you feel better or worse? Who is always at the center of drama?
Seek quality in those you keep close to you. Seek honorable people to surround yourself with. The more you seek growth, peace of mind, love & truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT row of your life, and who should be moved to the balcony.
You cannot change the people around you, but you can change the people you are around!
I saw this in an old newspaper clipping taped to a wall today. I had to copy it down, had to save it to read, and then reread again. I am sharing it because I think now, more than ever I have to make some decisions about my life. How much I give of myself & how much I need to reevaluate who I give myself to. I can only help those who are willing to help themselves. I need to realize I can't make others think or make choices if they can't or won't think or choose for themselves. Then I need to stop beating myself up because I can't do more or fix everything for everyone. I have a rough road ahead the next few weeks. I need my emotional energy to heal myself, to recover & regain my strength. I cannot afford to be constantly drained. Now if I repeat that 100 times I might remember it!
Not everyone is emotionally healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in our lives who are best loved at a distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, pointless relationships & friendships.
Consider your current relationships. Pay attention who lifts & who leans, who encourages & who discourages, who is on a path of growth & who is going down fast. When you leave certain people, do you feel better or worse? Who is always at the center of drama?
Seek quality in those you keep close to you. Seek honorable people to surround yourself with. The more you seek growth, peace of mind, love & truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT row of your life, and who should be moved to the balcony.
You cannot change the people around you, but you can change the people you are around!
I saw this in an old newspaper clipping taped to a wall today. I had to copy it down, had to save it to read, and then reread again. I am sharing it because I think now, more than ever I have to make some decisions about my life. How much I give of myself & how much I need to reevaluate who I give myself to. I can only help those who are willing to help themselves. I need to realize I can't make others think or make choices if they can't or won't think or choose for themselves. Then I need to stop beating myself up because I can't do more or fix everything for everyone. I have a rough road ahead the next few weeks. I need my emotional energy to heal myself, to recover & regain my strength. I cannot afford to be constantly drained. Now if I repeat that 100 times I might remember it!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Deer Beer Chili
1-2 lbs. ground venison
1-2 lbs. deer sausage (spicy is best!)
1 med. onion, chopped
1 garlic clove, crushed or minced
2 green chilies, minced (if you aren't using spicy sausage meat)
1 tbsp. oil (I prefer olive oil)
1 beef bouillon cube (or 1 tsp granules)
3 tsp. cumin
1 tbsp. chili powder (2 if you aren't using the spicy sausage)
1/2 tsp. dry mustard
1 large can tomato sauce
1 large can beans, whatever your preference.
2 (12 oz.) cans diced tomatoes (I use the ones with garlic, basil & oregano, Hunts)
1 (12 oz.) can or bottle of beer ( I prefer to use Sam Adams Lager)
Brown ground deer meat and sausage in 1 tbsp oil. When almost done add onions, garlic (& green chiles).
Then add rest of ingredients. Simmer, covered for 2 1/2 hours, stirring occasionally.
Simmer another 30 minutes without stirring. Can also be made in crockpot on low for 3-4 hours. Even better the next day! Great over rice.
1-2 lbs. deer sausage (spicy is best!)
1 med. onion, chopped
1 garlic clove, crushed or minced
2 green chilies, minced (if you aren't using spicy sausage meat)
1 tbsp. oil (I prefer olive oil)
1 beef bouillon cube (or 1 tsp granules)
3 tsp. cumin
1 tbsp. chili powder (2 if you aren't using the spicy sausage)
1/2 tsp. dry mustard
1 large can tomato sauce
1 large can beans, whatever your preference.
2 (12 oz.) cans diced tomatoes (I use the ones with garlic, basil & oregano, Hunts)
1 (12 oz.) can or bottle of beer ( I prefer to use Sam Adams Lager)
Brown ground deer meat and sausage in 1 tbsp oil. When almost done add onions, garlic (& green chiles).
Then add rest of ingredients. Simmer, covered for 2 1/2 hours, stirring occasionally.
Simmer another 30 minutes without stirring. Can also be made in crockpot on low for 3-4 hours. Even better the next day! Great over rice.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Another New Year..
Last year was turbulent, moreso than most I guess. Alot of loss, news both bad & good. Changes both bad & good. I like to think it all balances out. I try not to keep a score card. I try not to think or dwell on the things I cannot change.
Met Chad's wife & her youngest son for Christmas. It was a good Holiday. I took the kiddos to North Carolina for a winter getaway, just me & them. (http://imagination-place.com/Hemlock'sEscape/HemlocksEscape.html) Might be my new retreat since horse back riding isn't going to be something I can do much anymore. That was another big adjustment. I still have all three horses, but will be looking to place my boys.
Brianne is due March 14th. Blue is the color of the day! So happy for her & Justin. I have her baby shower coming up February 19th. Trying to get things set for that before my surgery this week, the 20th.
I worked for several months, but it was a small business with a wife who had too much time on her hands & not enough sanity. Glad to be out of that situation!
Hunter turned 10 December 22nd & the twins will be 7 on Feb. 4th. Spring will be here soon. I am looking forward to some renewal, some sunshine & flowers. So starts the beginning of another new year..
Met Chad's wife & her youngest son for Christmas. It was a good Holiday. I took the kiddos to North Carolina for a winter getaway, just me & them. (http://imagination-place.com/Hemlock'sEscape/HemlocksEscape.html) Might be my new retreat since horse back riding isn't going to be something I can do much anymore. That was another big adjustment. I still have all three horses, but will be looking to place my boys.
Brianne is due March 14th. Blue is the color of the day! So happy for her & Justin. I have her baby shower coming up February 19th. Trying to get things set for that before my surgery this week, the 20th.
I worked for several months, but it was a small business with a wife who had too much time on her hands & not enough sanity. Glad to be out of that situation!
Hunter turned 10 December 22nd & the twins will be 7 on Feb. 4th. Spring will be here soon. I am looking forward to some renewal, some sunshine & flowers. So starts the beginning of another new year..
Slow Cooker Chicken- Creamy, & Easy
1 lb boneless chicken thighs
1-1.5 boneless chicken breast, cut in half
2 jars sun dried tomato alfredo sauce
2 pkgs fresh portobello mushrooms, sliced
2- 8oz pks cream cheese, cubed
Egg noodles or Rice to go with it.
Put the chicken in a 4 quart or larger slow cooker/crockpot. Pour 1 jar of sauce over the chicken, cover with all the fresh mushrooms, pour 2nd jar of sauce over everything. Cover & cook on low for 5-7 hours. Add the cubed cream cheese over the top for the last hour of cooking. When done, stir well & serve, Enjoy!
1-1.5 boneless chicken breast, cut in half
2 jars sun dried tomato alfredo sauce
2 pkgs fresh portobello mushrooms, sliced
2- 8oz pks cream cheese, cubed
Egg noodles or Rice to go with it.
Put the chicken in a 4 quart or larger slow cooker/crockpot. Pour 1 jar of sauce over the chicken, cover with all the fresh mushrooms, pour 2nd jar of sauce over everything. Cover & cook on low for 5-7 hours. Add the cubed cream cheese over the top for the last hour of cooking. When done, stir well & serve, Enjoy!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Sausage Cornbread Stuffing
1 16oz pkg Cornbread Stuffing
1 16oz pkg Herb Seasoned Stuffing
4 cups Chicken Broth
1 1/2 sticks butter (12 TBSP)
2 16 oz pkg Sage Seasoned Pork Sausage
1 cup chopped Celery
1/2 cup choped Sweet Onion
1/2 palmful Poultry Seasoning
1/2 palmful Rubbed Sage Seasoning
Brown sausage, celery, onion, & seasonings in pan together, In a seperate pan heat broth & butter. In a very large bowl combine the cornbread & herb seasoned stuffing mixes. Add the sausage mixture to the dry stuffings & mix well. Then add broth & butter to that & quickly mix until all liquid is absorbed & distrubuted.
This can be used to stuff turkey or chickens, baked seperately or frozen & baked later. This makes a huge amount, but the amounts can be cut in half to make a smaller amount. If you make it ahead you may want to add a bit more broth before baking.
*Optional: add Durkee Fried Onions to the top before baking.
(Posting this for my daughter-in-law Heide, I will update my blog later!)
1 16oz pkg Herb Seasoned Stuffing
4 cups Chicken Broth
1 1/2 sticks butter (12 TBSP)
2 16 oz pkg Sage Seasoned Pork Sausage
1 cup chopped Celery
1/2 cup choped Sweet Onion
1/2 palmful Poultry Seasoning
1/2 palmful Rubbed Sage Seasoning
Brown sausage, celery, onion, & seasonings in pan together, In a seperate pan heat broth & butter. In a very large bowl combine the cornbread & herb seasoned stuffing mixes. Add the sausage mixture to the dry stuffings & mix well. Then add broth & butter to that & quickly mix until all liquid is absorbed & distrubuted.
This can be used to stuff turkey or chickens, baked seperately or frozen & baked later. This makes a huge amount, but the amounts can be cut in half to make a smaller amount. If you make it ahead you may want to add a bit more broth before baking.
*Optional: add Durkee Fried Onions to the top before baking.
(Posting this for my daughter-in-law Heide, I will update my blog later!)
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Give thanks..
I didn't decorate the house for Halloween or Thanksgiving this year. My mantle remains the same as all the other days. I am trying to clear the den/man cave to set up the Christmas tree in there eventually. That way it can be protected from kids & dogs when needed. We have a big floor to ceiling tree so the lower branches are subject to getting knocked around by passersby of all species.
This tends to be my season of discontent no matter how I try to force myself to be bright & cheery. Good thing everyone knows me & loves me anyway! There isn't anything anyone can say or do to make it better. It just takes time.. time to cry, time to heal, time to be. People say it gets easier, that someday we'll pass through the darkness & the tears & step out into the sunshine again. At peace with our memories & ourselves.. and it's true.. some days we do. No one can do that for us, we have to know in our hearts that it is ok to laugh again, and slowly but surely we are getting there. Five years might seem like a long time to grieve for some, but for us, it is but a moment in time that has passed.. Kierra was just here, just a teenager, just a little girl, just a baby in my arms.
Today I have been in the kitchen cooking. Not even the traditional Thanksgiving fare, but cooking. I used to call my grandmother alot when I was cooking & had a question. I used to call her just to hear her voice when I was cooking & the familiar smells took me back to her kitchen, her hugs, her love. It isn't just Kierra I miss, especially on days like today. It is supposed to be a time of family, friends, sharing.. making new memories. That is what we try to do. It can be so hard sometimes, but we keep taking each step, one at a time.
We watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade this morning with the kiddos. They weren't all that interested. It held more childhood memories for Brian & I than it ever will for them. It is a different time, a different age for these little ones. I have many memories of my older children & many Thanksgivings with friends & family. I hold them all close to my heart.
Today may not be what it used to be for us. It may not be more than an ordinary day. But we are here, with each other, which is alot to be thankful for. Hug those around you & make the most of what you have. Give thanks for that and so much more...
This tends to be my season of discontent no matter how I try to force myself to be bright & cheery. Good thing everyone knows me & loves me anyway! There isn't anything anyone can say or do to make it better. It just takes time.. time to cry, time to heal, time to be. People say it gets easier, that someday we'll pass through the darkness & the tears & step out into the sunshine again. At peace with our memories & ourselves.. and it's true.. some days we do. No one can do that for us, we have to know in our hearts that it is ok to laugh again, and slowly but surely we are getting there. Five years might seem like a long time to grieve for some, but for us, it is but a moment in time that has passed.. Kierra was just here, just a teenager, just a little girl, just a baby in my arms.
Today I have been in the kitchen cooking. Not even the traditional Thanksgiving fare, but cooking. I used to call my grandmother alot when I was cooking & had a question. I used to call her just to hear her voice when I was cooking & the familiar smells took me back to her kitchen, her hugs, her love. It isn't just Kierra I miss, especially on days like today. It is supposed to be a time of family, friends, sharing.. making new memories. That is what we try to do. It can be so hard sometimes, but we keep taking each step, one at a time.
We watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade this morning with the kiddos. They weren't all that interested. It held more childhood memories for Brian & I than it ever will for them. It is a different time, a different age for these little ones. I have many memories of my older children & many Thanksgivings with friends & family. I hold them all close to my heart.
Today may not be what it used to be for us. It may not be more than an ordinary day. But we are here, with each other, which is alot to be thankful for. Hug those around you & make the most of what you have. Give thanks for that and so much more...
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Love is.. never having to say you're sorry...
hmmm.. what if you say you are sorry yet keep doing the same thing again & again.. does the apology really count? Or if you say you are sorry to someone else, but not the person you offended?.. I am considering more than one incident as I ask these questions. I am considering the same person for all of the above. There is a history of damage done. At what point is enough, enough?
*They were sorry for telling me awful things about my daughter just after she died.. just in case I didn't know..and I think to prove how close they must have been to her to know those things. Afterward they were "sorry" & didn't mean to hurt or upset me.
*They were sorry after upsetting one of my children when they used Kierra as an example (a bad one, after her death) to correct their child in front of mine. Afterward they said they were "sorry" to me.. it wasn't meant the way it sounded. But have yet to apologize to the child of mine they hurt.
*They were sorry after saying an awful, disrespectful thing involving Brian's mother after her death, on the anniversary of our daughter's death. Afterward they have apologized to Brian.. it was uncalled for & they are "sorry". I saw the pain & anger it caused my husband. I have had to deal with the fallout each time this person said something that devestated me or someone I love.
I am glad for Brian that he is of the nature to accept the apology. He has to deal with them. I am not of the same nature & I do not have to deal with them at all anymore.
Don't spew forth a martyrdom speech & expect any compassion from me. I have watched them hurt my family repeatedly. I have heard their apologies & watched them open their mouth & do it again. NO MORE. Sorry has no meaning when it is used as a convenience, rather than a true symbol of regret. When it is simply a word, with no meaning at all...
*They were sorry for telling me awful things about my daughter just after she died.. just in case I didn't know..and I think to prove how close they must have been to her to know those things. Afterward they were "sorry" & didn't mean to hurt or upset me.
*They were sorry after upsetting one of my children when they used Kierra as an example (a bad one, after her death) to correct their child in front of mine. Afterward they said they were "sorry" to me.. it wasn't meant the way it sounded. But have yet to apologize to the child of mine they hurt.
*They were sorry after saying an awful, disrespectful thing involving Brian's mother after her death, on the anniversary of our daughter's death. Afterward they have apologized to Brian.. it was uncalled for & they are "sorry". I saw the pain & anger it caused my husband. I have had to deal with the fallout each time this person said something that devestated me or someone I love.
I am glad for Brian that he is of the nature to accept the apology. He has to deal with them. I am not of the same nature & I do not have to deal with them at all anymore.
Don't spew forth a martyrdom speech & expect any compassion from me. I have watched them hurt my family repeatedly. I have heard their apologies & watched them open their mouth & do it again. NO MORE. Sorry has no meaning when it is used as a convenience, rather than a true symbol of regret. When it is simply a word, with no meaning at all...
Monday, November 15, 2010
an awful great weekend..
We had such an awful great weekend. Makes no sense. No more sense than death & grief ever make. We insisted on getting away & having fun with the kiddos. Making some good memories to over ride the bad. Saturday the 13th marked 5 years since Kierra was killed.
It was a hard day on it's own, but was made even worse by betrayal & hurt. Brian went by his Mom's house to get a pillow I left there. Only to find the locks changed & garage code changed. Supposedly an oversight, he wasn't given the code to get in even after the fact, which would have resolved the issue.
A statement was made in the background of a phone conversation that speaks volumes. No matter the pretenses.. that statement crossed a line that can never be returned from. Above & beyond being locked out of his own mother's home. I was not suprised by the turn of events, but Brian was. He truly believed in his mother's intentions & that brothers would be brothers no matter what. I hurt for him, for the pain of loss all over again for him. I hurt for the person within him this has unleashed.
I have been there, I have seen what greed & selfishness can do. The damage done can be devestating. I had hoped beyond my own expectations that things would not go this way for Brian's family. No one child has more rights than the others. No one child has more pain or loss.
We made great memories with the kids this weekend despite the turn of events. We pushed above the waste & debris left by others. We set aside what will need to be dealt with & did what our hearts needed to heal. We held strong to each other & will continue to do so.
Give your children your love & memories now, give them what you want them to have now.. that is the only way you can be sure they will get it. Because death changes everything.
It was a hard day on it's own, but was made even worse by betrayal & hurt. Brian went by his Mom's house to get a pillow I left there. Only to find the locks changed & garage code changed. Supposedly an oversight, he wasn't given the code to get in even after the fact, which would have resolved the issue.
A statement was made in the background of a phone conversation that speaks volumes. No matter the pretenses.. that statement crossed a line that can never be returned from. Above & beyond being locked out of his own mother's home. I was not suprised by the turn of events, but Brian was. He truly believed in his mother's intentions & that brothers would be brothers no matter what. I hurt for him, for the pain of loss all over again for him. I hurt for the person within him this has unleashed.
I have been there, I have seen what greed & selfishness can do. The damage done can be devestating. I had hoped beyond my own expectations that things would not go this way for Brian's family. No one child has more rights than the others. No one child has more pain or loss.
We made great memories with the kids this weekend despite the turn of events. We pushed above the waste & debris left by others. We set aside what will need to be dealt with & did what our hearts needed to heal. We held strong to each other & will continue to do so.
Give your children your love & memories now, give them what you want them to have now.. that is the only way you can be sure they will get it. Because death changes everything.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Something to Share..
I find myself in a strange place.. not of a physical nature.. well, that isn't quite right, it is of a physical nature, but internal, not external.. confused yet? I have been confused, concerned, contemplative, determined, & now proactive. I have shared so much here & on Facebook. I have sometimes shared too much. Lately I have held back what I have shared because I was not sure I wanted to deal with the reactions it would bring. I have shared with some privately, but that isn't fair either.
So let me preface it with this. I AM OKAY. I am actually doing well & am on my way to doing better. I have recently been diagnosed with MS. Multiple Sclerosis. A Basic explanation of what that is; A person with multiple sclerosis has inflammation of the brain and spinal cord, which weakens the nervous system. I am in an early phase, although they believe I have had it more than 12-15 years. I have good doctors who are helping me take steps to give my body the best possible ability to function at full capacity. I have a cervical spine injury that is causing some complications but that is being treated & will hopefully be resolved soon.
Next week, the 21st, I am having Lap Band Surgery. It is the best chance for me to lose weight & keep it off to relieve the burden my body has carrying all my extra weight. I actually had tried to have it done a few times over the past several years & was denied by my insurance. I guess they prefer the cost of the surgery over the cost of progressive MS! This is a good thing! I have researched it extensively prior to this and know all the pros & cons. It is one of the ways I can meet this disease head on & continue to be active & fully functioning.
So please do not feel sad or sorry for me. I need all the positive vibes I can get. I have so many healthy, happy years ahead of me. I will have relapses & I will get through them. I am a fighter, not a quitter. I have a full life to live & am determined to do it with gusto!
So there it is. I can be myself & share my journey freely as I go along now. Thanks for hanging in there with me!!
So let me preface it with this. I AM OKAY. I am actually doing well & am on my way to doing better. I have recently been diagnosed with MS. Multiple Sclerosis. A Basic explanation of what that is; A person with multiple sclerosis has inflammation of the brain and spinal cord, which weakens the nervous system. I am in an early phase, although they believe I have had it more than 12-15 years. I have good doctors who are helping me take steps to give my body the best possible ability to function at full capacity. I have a cervical spine injury that is causing some complications but that is being treated & will hopefully be resolved soon.
Next week, the 21st, I am having Lap Band Surgery. It is the best chance for me to lose weight & keep it off to relieve the burden my body has carrying all my extra weight. I actually had tried to have it done a few times over the past several years & was denied by my insurance. I guess they prefer the cost of the surgery over the cost of progressive MS! This is a good thing! I have researched it extensively prior to this and know all the pros & cons. It is one of the ways I can meet this disease head on & continue to be active & fully functioning.
So please do not feel sad or sorry for me. I need all the positive vibes I can get. I have so many healthy, happy years ahead of me. I will have relapses & I will get through them. I am a fighter, not a quitter. I have a full life to live & am determined to do it with gusto!
So there it is. I can be myself & share my journey freely as I go along now. Thanks for hanging in there with me!!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Back to School 2010-2011
In just a few hours the kiddos will start their first day of school for the 2010-2011 school year! Tristan & Alexa will be in 1st grade & Hunter will be in 3rd. They seem to have good teachers this year & we are all looking forward to a great year! I have their backpacks packed & bags of supplies to go with them. I will send a few more things as the week continues. It is unbelievable how the supply list has changed over the years! Here are just a few things & the quantities I had to buy to cover all three kiddos..
copy paper 7 reams
glue sticks 30
sharpened pencils 72
composition books 7
binders 7
plastic folders w/ pockets 10
spiral notebooks 6
boxes of 24 crayons 6
kleenex, sanitizer, scissors, markers, 3 each
Then there are all the individual class supplies which go on forever.. so lots of labeling! I worked hard to catch stuff on sale. Office max & Staples beat out most of the dept. stores on supply prices & Kohl's seemed to have the best deals for kid's clothes over the past several weeks. I got some killer deals for Alexa today.. saved $124 & got several outfits for about $12 each. I like that math! I will try to remember to take pix today when they get on the bus.. in just a few hours!!
copy paper 7 reams
glue sticks 30
sharpened pencils 72
composition books 7
binders 7
plastic folders w/ pockets 10
spiral notebooks 6
boxes of 24 crayons 6
kleenex, sanitizer, scissors, markers, 3 each
Then there are all the individual class supplies which go on forever.. so lots of labeling! I worked hard to catch stuff on sale. Office max & Staples beat out most of the dept. stores on supply prices & Kohl's seemed to have the best deals for kid's clothes over the past several weeks. I got some killer deals for Alexa today.. saved $124 & got several outfits for about $12 each. I like that math! I will try to remember to take pix today when they get on the bus.. in just a few hours!!
writing vs. reading
When did we all become so computer driven? I think we got one back in 1994 when we came back from England. But it was for games more than communication. Now we read what we have to say to each other rather than talk via phone or, WOW!, face to face. I used to think the lack of emotion in the written word caused problems, but I think there is an overabundance of emotion from some people. The probelm is they are the readers of the words, not the writers.. so their own emotion, their own insecurities, opinions, judgements, etc.. go into their reading. At times their perception has little to nothing to do with the writer's intention. I have become so tired of having to explain what I mean when I write something. No matter how basic, how plain I say things.. someone, somewhere takes it wrong, reads so much more into it than is there.
There are some pretty important things I have not even posted to Facebook because I do not have the energy to make anyone else "feel better". To continually assure everyone that I am not talking about them! The whiners & boohooers are beyond my realm of consideration at the moment. It is a self imposed censorship of sorts. But I am wearing thin with worrying about what anyone thinks. It is what it is. Like it or not.. read it or not. I do believe I have said that before. But, like my children, some things have to be repeated over & over again!
Another reminder that seems to need repeating.. if I have cut you out of my life it is a complete dismemberment.. I do not write to you or about you.. if, for some reason I did.. I would most likely mention you by name.. afterall, what would I have to lose?? So don't flatter yourself that you are included in what I have to say on a day to day basis.. I am pretty good at being done when I say I am done.
There are some pretty important things I have not even posted to Facebook because I do not have the energy to make anyone else "feel better". To continually assure everyone that I am not talking about them! The whiners & boohooers are beyond my realm of consideration at the moment. It is a self imposed censorship of sorts. But I am wearing thin with worrying about what anyone thinks. It is what it is. Like it or not.. read it or not. I do believe I have said that before. But, like my children, some things have to be repeated over & over again!
Another reminder that seems to need repeating.. if I have cut you out of my life it is a complete dismemberment.. I do not write to you or about you.. if, for some reason I did.. I would most likely mention you by name.. afterall, what would I have to lose?? So don't flatter yourself that you are included in what I have to say on a day to day basis.. I am pretty good at being done when I say I am done.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Reaching for the Sun!!
I unexpectedly started a part time job on the 7th of June. It was a job that I had been approached about before but it never panned out. I went in on the 7th to discuss it & ended up working! It was supposed to be a few hours a couple days a week. Thank goodness I had already signed the kids up for 3 full days of camp each week for the summer. I now work 3 full days each week & will most likely go to full time as soon as school starts back the end of August. I am an office manager/gal Friday for an owner of 2 companies, an automotive shop & a foam insulation company. Although he has been doing this for years, they both are small busineses with alot of growth potential. I am pretty much my own boss, which is a good thing :), and I am allowed alot of freedom & creativity with organizing things, marketing, & advertising. I am really enjoying it!
I have not worked a professional job in 6 1/2 years. I know the kids "need" me, but it hasn't fed me intellectually. I cannot find the words to describe the satisfaction I have gotten from this job. Tasks that I find to be simple & easy to accomplish are accepted as manna from Heaven at this job. Abilities that I find almost effortless are praised and appreciated. My ideas are eagerly talked about & given credence. I have not felt this productive & valued in a very long time.
I know Brian & the kids appreciate what I do, but it is almost by rote. I am using parts of my brain that have lain dormant for far too long! Of course I come home to the same chores & needs from my family that I have done for those 6 1/2 years prior to now. But I have such a greater desire to get things done & prepare to greet a new day, a new challenge, a new life outside of these walls. I think the kids, Brian, & I will all reap the rewards of this new adventure/endeavor.
I undersold myself initially, but have already discussed ammending the terms of my employment.. at his request. I know there will be days when I may not love it so much, but right now it is nectar to me. This part of me has been in limbo far to long. I feel like a blossom springing forth from hard, dry soil that someone has watered and fertilized at long last. My petals are reaching out to the sun & I am ready to bloom!
I have not worked a professional job in 6 1/2 years. I know the kids "need" me, but it hasn't fed me intellectually. I cannot find the words to describe the satisfaction I have gotten from this job. Tasks that I find to be simple & easy to accomplish are accepted as manna from Heaven at this job. Abilities that I find almost effortless are praised and appreciated. My ideas are eagerly talked about & given credence. I have not felt this productive & valued in a very long time.
I know Brian & the kids appreciate what I do, but it is almost by rote. I am using parts of my brain that have lain dormant for far too long! Of course I come home to the same chores & needs from my family that I have done for those 6 1/2 years prior to now. But I have such a greater desire to get things done & prepare to greet a new day, a new challenge, a new life outside of these walls. I think the kids, Brian, & I will all reap the rewards of this new adventure/endeavor.
I undersold myself initially, but have already discussed ammending the terms of my employment.. at his request. I know there will be days when I may not love it so much, but right now it is nectar to me. This part of me has been in limbo far to long. I feel like a blossom springing forth from hard, dry soil that someone has watered and fertilized at long last. My petals are reaching out to the sun & I am ready to bloom!
Monday, June 07, 2010
Hard To Believe...
Hard to believe it has been over a month since I last posted.. I think Facebook is my mini blog! Hard to believe Chad is in Hawaii & has been gone with the Army for almost a year & a half. Hard to believe Brianne & Justin just celebrated their 5th wedding anniversary on the 4th! Hard to believe the twin's have completed kindergarten & will be in 1st grade this fall! Hard to believe Hunter will be in the double digits (10) when he has his birthday this year! Hard to believe I worked at a real job for the first time in 6 years today!
Even harder to believe Wednesday would be Kierra's 29th birthday. I can't help but think of it. So much is going on, things seem to fly by with the speed of light, yet when I think of her birth, her death, things seem to move in slow motion. I feel cheated that I can't think of the first without the last. I can't revisit the joy of her birth, of her life, without the pain of her death following so close behind.
This is life without Kierra. It isn't easier, we have just learned to cope better. I shared with someone else who was grieving recently that we have to allow ourselves the bad days that come. We have to allow ourselves the moments that break our hearts all over again... like when I am dreaming of her & the alarm goes off.. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter to hold onto her just a second longer rather than open them & lose her again. Like when one of her children laughs out loud with their face full of her smile & I have to choke back the tears as she looks out of their faces.
I am thinking of releasing some clear ballons with little messages to her on Wednesday afternoon.. Hunter has an appt. with his therapist in Ponte Vedra, it is close to the beach. The clear ballons are because the sea turtles think popped colored ballons are jellyfish & eat them, they suffocate from them & die.. Kie wouldn't like that. It's that kind of little thing that pops into my mind unexpectedly, but that's OK. She was part of my life before she was born, & she will be until I take my last breath. Life without her.. hard to believe..
Even harder to believe Wednesday would be Kierra's 29th birthday. I can't help but think of it. So much is going on, things seem to fly by with the speed of light, yet when I think of her birth, her death, things seem to move in slow motion. I feel cheated that I can't think of the first without the last. I can't revisit the joy of her birth, of her life, without the pain of her death following so close behind.
This is life without Kierra. It isn't easier, we have just learned to cope better. I shared with someone else who was grieving recently that we have to allow ourselves the bad days that come. We have to allow ourselves the moments that break our hearts all over again... like when I am dreaming of her & the alarm goes off.. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter to hold onto her just a second longer rather than open them & lose her again. Like when one of her children laughs out loud with their face full of her smile & I have to choke back the tears as she looks out of their faces.
I am thinking of releasing some clear ballons with little messages to her on Wednesday afternoon.. Hunter has an appt. with his therapist in Ponte Vedra, it is close to the beach. The clear ballons are because the sea turtles think popped colored ballons are jellyfish & eat them, they suffocate from them & die.. Kie wouldn't like that. It's that kind of little thing that pops into my mind unexpectedly, but that's OK. She was part of my life before she was born, & she will be until I take my last breath. Life without her.. hard to believe..
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wakey, Wakey.. I'm awake!
I have really struggled the past couple weeks with how to share what I have been going through. I have started several times then stopped & deleted several times. So I am determined this time to jump in with both feet & get through it!
I am not sure exactly when I realized I was not myself anymore. I knew I had been moody, angry, on edge. I knew I intended to do things, but they never got done. I did all the things I needed to do to care for the kids, but next to nothing to care for myself. I would get the kids off to school, come home, sit on the couch or in one of the chairs, then be amazed that it was time to pick them up. I wasn't sleeping the day away, I was just staring at the television losing hours at a time. Hindsight is 20/20.I can see looking back, but not when it was happening. I finally made an appt. with my doctor. I was at a point I had never been to before. A dear friend had shared issues she had following her hysterectomy. That seemed like such a relief that it could be something that simple.
My Dr. spent alot of time with me at that appt. We talked about everything that had been happening in my life since my surgery last May. She believes I may have some mild symptoms due to hormones, but she firmly believes I was in a severe depression.
That seemed strange to me considering it has been over 4 years since Kierra's death. How could I be more depressed than I was when she died?? I had worked so hard to cope & be strong & do what needed to be done for my family.
August 25th, 2009 my brother-in-law & one of my dearest friends both died within 2 hours of each other. Randy had been very ill for the previous year & was diagnosed as terminal a short time before his death. Debbie had been unexpectedly hospitalized & declined quickly. It is hard to compare the 3 losses. There is no comparison. Each one was devestating for me in their own individual ways. I had been on autopilot since Kierra's death. Keeping myself busy & involved in so many things that I did not have time to let myself truly open that wound & let it heal. I cannot imagine it ever truly healing. So when my mind tried to process losing Randy & Debbie at the same time, it again tried to put me on autopilot, forging ahead like before. The flaw in that was that no matter how determined my mind was to ignore it, my body responded of it's own accord. I began to sleep less & less. I became more & more disinterested in the things I once enjoyed. I became oblivious to the things I left undone around me. I put on my happy face when necessary, but even that began to require energy I didn't have. I missed meetings for the cooking club, multiples group, school groups. I slowly removed myself from almost any social situation.
It took all I had to care for the children & try to function in what I thought was a normal world.
My Dr. not only insisted I try medication, but felt it was my only option. I have had an aversion to taking pills. Having exposure to several addicts in my life, I have always shied away from any meds that would blur my senses, or make me unaware. That seems funny now when I can look back & see how unaware I was for several months.
Taking the meds was almost immediately like waking from a deep sleep, or like fog clearing & being able to see what is right in front of you.. I was shocked to see how many things I had let slide, or completely forgotten about. Our house was by no means in a state that was unhealthy, but it was not how I was used to it being. I spent the first week cleaning & getting rid of alot of stuff. There are a number of projects I have left undone or only partially finished. But I am getting there.
I am trying to not dwell on what I haven't done, but keep moving forward to doing what needs to be done. I know it will take time. I know I will still have days when I will just want to do nothing but cry. My meds aren't magic. They aren't going to make me happy all the time. They do make me more aware, more motivated to get things done. I have enjoyed my children, my family, my dogs, my horses.. especially the horses.. more than I have in months. But I am not a zombie.. I am not so high that I can't function. Actually I don't feel "high" at all.. I feel awake, alive.. and glad to be. That may be the biggest change of all..
I am not sure exactly when I realized I was not myself anymore. I knew I had been moody, angry, on edge. I knew I intended to do things, but they never got done. I did all the things I needed to do to care for the kids, but next to nothing to care for myself. I would get the kids off to school, come home, sit on the couch or in one of the chairs, then be amazed that it was time to pick them up. I wasn't sleeping the day away, I was just staring at the television losing hours at a time. Hindsight is 20/20.I can see looking back, but not when it was happening. I finally made an appt. with my doctor. I was at a point I had never been to before. A dear friend had shared issues she had following her hysterectomy. That seemed like such a relief that it could be something that simple.
My Dr. spent alot of time with me at that appt. We talked about everything that had been happening in my life since my surgery last May. She believes I may have some mild symptoms due to hormones, but she firmly believes I was in a severe depression.
That seemed strange to me considering it has been over 4 years since Kierra's death. How could I be more depressed than I was when she died?? I had worked so hard to cope & be strong & do what needed to be done for my family.
August 25th, 2009 my brother-in-law & one of my dearest friends both died within 2 hours of each other. Randy had been very ill for the previous year & was diagnosed as terminal a short time before his death. Debbie had been unexpectedly hospitalized & declined quickly. It is hard to compare the 3 losses. There is no comparison. Each one was devestating for me in their own individual ways. I had been on autopilot since Kierra's death. Keeping myself busy & involved in so many things that I did not have time to let myself truly open that wound & let it heal. I cannot imagine it ever truly healing. So when my mind tried to process losing Randy & Debbie at the same time, it again tried to put me on autopilot, forging ahead like before. The flaw in that was that no matter how determined my mind was to ignore it, my body responded of it's own accord. I began to sleep less & less. I became more & more disinterested in the things I once enjoyed. I became oblivious to the things I left undone around me. I put on my happy face when necessary, but even that began to require energy I didn't have. I missed meetings for the cooking club, multiples group, school groups. I slowly removed myself from almost any social situation.
It took all I had to care for the children & try to function in what I thought was a normal world.
My Dr. not only insisted I try medication, but felt it was my only option. I have had an aversion to taking pills. Having exposure to several addicts in my life, I have always shied away from any meds that would blur my senses, or make me unaware. That seems funny now when I can look back & see how unaware I was for several months.
Taking the meds was almost immediately like waking from a deep sleep, or like fog clearing & being able to see what is right in front of you.. I was shocked to see how many things I had let slide, or completely forgotten about. Our house was by no means in a state that was unhealthy, but it was not how I was used to it being. I spent the first week cleaning & getting rid of alot of stuff. There are a number of projects I have left undone or only partially finished. But I am getting there.
I am trying to not dwell on what I haven't done, but keep moving forward to doing what needs to be done. I know it will take time. I know I will still have days when I will just want to do nothing but cry. My meds aren't magic. They aren't going to make me happy all the time. They do make me more aware, more motivated to get things done. I have enjoyed my children, my family, my dogs, my horses.. especially the horses.. more than I have in months. But I am not a zombie.. I am not so high that I can't function. Actually I don't feel "high" at all.. I feel awake, alive.. and glad to be. That may be the biggest change of all..
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Me & creepy crawlers.. Now it's war!
I have lots to blog about, will have to backtrack a little later.. been very busy.. as usual, life is busy & we tend to get caught up in it!
The kids & I made a quick run down to Clearwater/St. Pete to check on Brian's Mom & get some stuff done at her house. We got there yesterday afternoon & came home today. I decided to stay at her house last night so I could get more done. Her house has been empty for about 4 months while she has been back and forth between the hospital & rehab. She has lived on her own there for almost 5 years before that. Her ability to care for the house is limited & despite the best of intentions, it has been difficult for anyone else to convince her to let go of "saving" things. I spent almost a week there a few years ago to clear out her garage & a storage room in her house. Yet everywhere you turn there is more stuff!
My Grammy was one of the most fastidious woman I have ever known. She battled cockroaches, palmetto bugs, silverfish etc. all the time. I am a Yankee. I didn't move to Florida until I was 9 years old. We didn't have those kinds of bugs up north. I learned very quickly that there are lots of them in Florida & they like the dark! Most kids collected change for candy, I collected change to buy bug spray after waking up with them crawling on me in my bed! I would hide it under my bed because my parents said it was a waste of money & couldn't understand my fear. Every night I would push my bed away from the wall & spray all under & around my bed. Then I would lay awake until I heard my parents go to bed. Then I turned my light on & sat in the middle of my bed with my spray in hand. I fell asleep like that most nights & I would wake up in a panic the next morning to turn off my light before my parents noticed. I got caught many times & got in a lot of trouble for wasting electricity. That fear & obsession about roaches of all kinds has stayed with me throughout my life.
When I was a very young bride & pregnant with Kierra I lived in Indiana. My Father-in-law put the deposit down on a trailer for us to live in. It was a new experience for me & I tried to be grateful. When we went into the trailer & checked out the kitchen someone opened the stove & roaches scattered all over. I screamed & ran out crying that I could not live there. I paid dearly for embarrassing my father in law & husband. (both are now in the EX category!) I begged for bug spray & suffered many sleepless nights there until we moved.
Brian & the kids thought Joe's Apartment was a funny movie.. I couldn't stay in the room while they watched it! While they laughed at the bugs dancing on the toilet seat I was fighting back the heebie-jeebies & dreading the nightmares. They came.. me in a bathtub full of them & no one could hear me screaming!
And yes, I have to talked to a therapist about it!! I can manage my phobia quite well. But there are some instances that despite my best efforts I have aftershocks of physcosomatic hives & that sensation of things crawling in my hair.
Brian's childhood home isn't far from the neighborhood I lived in when we moved to Florida. His mom came from a generation when times were tough & you reused everything you could to stretch that dollar & not be wasteful. So did mine. They saved paper bags, cardboard boxes, margarine containers, all kinds of things that could be useful again.
I had my first episode of "hives & spider hair" when I helped my parents pack to move from Florida to Tennessee several years ago. They had cabinets full of stuff that they had hoarded over the many years they lived there. Needless to say there were lots of roaches of various sizes scurrying as we tried to pack & clean. The hives & creepy crawly scalp lasted a few days then just as quickly went away. Creams & meds did nothing to help. I would even scratch in my sleep. I rarely stayed at their house back then. I have only stayed at Brian's parent's house a handful of times in over 27 years of marriage for that reason.
Roaches love paper of any kind, in any form. Not to mention any food that is left available to their houdini ability to get inside things. They love clutter & dark places. They especially love cardboard boxes full of papers, books, anything that gives them a food source & a place to hide.
Cleaning Brian's parent's garage & storage room had that same "hives & spider hair" reaction cropping up almost immediately. It lasted for weeks that time. I wasn't going to stay there last night, but we got in later than planned & I really wanted to get some cleaning done & get anything trash worthy out of there.. I filled 4 commercial trash bags!
By 3 am I was tired & ready for sleep.. I had cleaned & sprayed, sprayed & cleaned. She had hoarded paper bags, years worth of the plastic bags the newspaper comes in.. empty envelopes from things that were mailed to her.. pieces if cardboard from the back of note pads.. just lots & lots of roach food! With the house empty & almost always dark there was a bug party going on 24/7. I could not bring myself to turn off the lights.. so I went to try to sleep in the one room I had purged, cleaned, & sprayed hours earlier where we were all sleeping. I could not do it, I could not close my eyes. I dozed a few times & woke up in a panic, grabbing the can of bug spray to protect myself. I thought I was still doing well since I did not break out in hives. Although the creepy crawly scalp thing was in full force! On the way home I started scratching my thighs & arms, then I was rubbing my back on my seat.. yup.. hives had arrived!!
It may seem silly to some, but it is what it is.. some people have a fear of flying, of snakes, of spiders, of mice.. I have a fear of roaches.. but I will still do what has to be done to get that house purged of them. I am planning on a trip down in about 2 weeks to bomb the heck out of that house. A few more trash bags & their food sources should be gone.. any important papers/books will be put in airtight bins. Blankets, towels, & sheets will be in large ziploc storage bags. Because now it's war!!
The kids & I made a quick run down to Clearwater/St. Pete to check on Brian's Mom & get some stuff done at her house. We got there yesterday afternoon & came home today. I decided to stay at her house last night so I could get more done. Her house has been empty for about 4 months while she has been back and forth between the hospital & rehab. She has lived on her own there for almost 5 years before that. Her ability to care for the house is limited & despite the best of intentions, it has been difficult for anyone else to convince her to let go of "saving" things. I spent almost a week there a few years ago to clear out her garage & a storage room in her house. Yet everywhere you turn there is more stuff!
My Grammy was one of the most fastidious woman I have ever known. She battled cockroaches, palmetto bugs, silverfish etc. all the time. I am a Yankee. I didn't move to Florida until I was 9 years old. We didn't have those kinds of bugs up north. I learned very quickly that there are lots of them in Florida & they like the dark! Most kids collected change for candy, I collected change to buy bug spray after waking up with them crawling on me in my bed! I would hide it under my bed because my parents said it was a waste of money & couldn't understand my fear. Every night I would push my bed away from the wall & spray all under & around my bed. Then I would lay awake until I heard my parents go to bed. Then I turned my light on & sat in the middle of my bed with my spray in hand. I fell asleep like that most nights & I would wake up in a panic the next morning to turn off my light before my parents noticed. I got caught many times & got in a lot of trouble for wasting electricity. That fear & obsession about roaches of all kinds has stayed with me throughout my life.
When I was a very young bride & pregnant with Kierra I lived in Indiana. My Father-in-law put the deposit down on a trailer for us to live in. It was a new experience for me & I tried to be grateful. When we went into the trailer & checked out the kitchen someone opened the stove & roaches scattered all over. I screamed & ran out crying that I could not live there. I paid dearly for embarrassing my father in law & husband. (both are now in the EX category!) I begged for bug spray & suffered many sleepless nights there until we moved.
Brian & the kids thought Joe's Apartment was a funny movie.. I couldn't stay in the room while they watched it! While they laughed at the bugs dancing on the toilet seat I was fighting back the heebie-jeebies & dreading the nightmares. They came.. me in a bathtub full of them & no one could hear me screaming!
And yes, I have to talked to a therapist about it!! I can manage my phobia quite well. But there are some instances that despite my best efforts I have aftershocks of physcosomatic hives & that sensation of things crawling in my hair.
Brian's childhood home isn't far from the neighborhood I lived in when we moved to Florida. His mom came from a generation when times were tough & you reused everything you could to stretch that dollar & not be wasteful. So did mine. They saved paper bags, cardboard boxes, margarine containers, all kinds of things that could be useful again.
I had my first episode of "hives & spider hair" when I helped my parents pack to move from Florida to Tennessee several years ago. They had cabinets full of stuff that they had hoarded over the many years they lived there. Needless to say there were lots of roaches of various sizes scurrying as we tried to pack & clean. The hives & creepy crawly scalp lasted a few days then just as quickly went away. Creams & meds did nothing to help. I would even scratch in my sleep. I rarely stayed at their house back then. I have only stayed at Brian's parent's house a handful of times in over 27 years of marriage for that reason.
Roaches love paper of any kind, in any form. Not to mention any food that is left available to their houdini ability to get inside things. They love clutter & dark places. They especially love cardboard boxes full of papers, books, anything that gives them a food source & a place to hide.
Cleaning Brian's parent's garage & storage room had that same "hives & spider hair" reaction cropping up almost immediately. It lasted for weeks that time. I wasn't going to stay there last night, but we got in later than planned & I really wanted to get some cleaning done & get anything trash worthy out of there.. I filled 4 commercial trash bags!
By 3 am I was tired & ready for sleep.. I had cleaned & sprayed, sprayed & cleaned. She had hoarded paper bags, years worth of the plastic bags the newspaper comes in.. empty envelopes from things that were mailed to her.. pieces if cardboard from the back of note pads.. just lots & lots of roach food! With the house empty & almost always dark there was a bug party going on 24/7. I could not bring myself to turn off the lights.. so I went to try to sleep in the one room I had purged, cleaned, & sprayed hours earlier where we were all sleeping. I could not do it, I could not close my eyes. I dozed a few times & woke up in a panic, grabbing the can of bug spray to protect myself. I thought I was still doing well since I did not break out in hives. Although the creepy crawly scalp thing was in full force! On the way home I started scratching my thighs & arms, then I was rubbing my back on my seat.. yup.. hives had arrived!!
It may seem silly to some, but it is what it is.. some people have a fear of flying, of snakes, of spiders, of mice.. I have a fear of roaches.. but I will still do what has to be done to get that house purged of them. I am planning on a trip down in about 2 weeks to bomb the heck out of that house. A few more trash bags & their food sources should be gone.. any important papers/books will be put in airtight bins. Blankets, towels, & sheets will be in large ziploc storage bags. Because now it's war!!
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