Alexa the hambone! Unlike her brother, she eats up the camera! She also has gone from undressing, to changing clothes several times a day. She is quite the girlie girl!
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Tristan 9 27 06
This was about the 10th pic I tried to take. Tristan does not like having his picture taken! He also has started doing the "undress myself" thing. Not long after refusing to wear shorts, he took off his t-shirt too!
My Cave Man..
I did actually get a few hours of sleep tonight. On the couch where I crashed about 12:30 am. I woke up to Brian getting home at 2:30.. upset because I did not get the load of clothes out of the wash and into the dryer, which also meant I did not get the clothes in the dryer folded and put away. For Brian that should have been a priority. I also left a small condiment dish with some soy sauce and a paper towel scrunched up in it, on the kitchen counter. Which had caused a swarm of the damn drain flies we are battling to have a party on our kitchen counter. Both of these things are major issues for Brian. They are two of his biggest pet peeves. And I know that. I did not neglect them intentionally. But to his mind these should have been taken care of hours and hours ago. The laundry was as he left it when he went to work 12 hours before. The load in the washer had to be rewashed.
A part of me deep down inside cares about the laundry and the dish on the counter. A part of me way, way deep down inside. The rest of me truly doesn't care at all. My mind did not even register the laundry although Brian did mention it as he left. I put it in there somewhere, got distracted.. imagine that.. and I never went back to it. I guess the issue for him is that I often forget about it. But we have different perceptions of "doing" laundry. He washes it and drys it. Sometimes he will hang a few things up, but normally it gets semi folded and piled on top of the washer/dryer for me to sort and put away. I try to fold and hang up the clothes as they come out of the dryer and sort them by room. It doesn't always happen that way, and I have left clothes in the living room chair for days (or weeks) before. But I try to get it put away. Brian says he doesn't sort it because he doesn't know what belongs to whom and what gets hung up and what doesn't. That part of it isn't a priority for him. My mind justifies, if I don't have the time and energy to do it from start to finish, why bother.. and honestly, I just don't care.
Is it Mars vs Venus? I am not sure. I know he works out side the home, provides all our financial support, and therefore his efforts are validated. I tell him often how much I appreciate how hard he works and all he does at home in addition to that. And I tell everyone else that too. I am not sure if it is as bothersome to me that he doesn't see what I do as "work" or "contributing", or that I don't feel that it is appreciated by him. We have been married more than 23 years. No matter what job I have had, or the times I have not worked outside the home, my jobs were never as important, or as "hard" as his. At least not from his perspective. That hasn't changed. It is, and always has been, an issue we agree to disagree about.
The emotional aspect for me is the most difficult. Usually I can let it roll like water off my back. It is what it is. But now, as it has been alot since Kierra's death, it is a thorn in my side, It is a piece of popcorn under my gum that I can't seem to get out and it annoys the shit out of me! So I rinsed my little dish, put it in the dishwasher and ran the load of dishes waiting to be done. He started the clothes rewashing, I ran the dryer on dewrinkle and then folded/hung, sorted the load in the dryer and when the wash was finished, I put it in the dryer. I will wait until that is dry and fold/sort/hang that load and have it done. When he wakes up later today and I have gotten Hunter up, ready, and taken to school, and gotten the twins taken care of at the start of their day, and by then I will have run some errands, including picking up his drycleaning, done the grocery shopping for the next week, and prepared to take Tristan to his ENT appt.... will there be laundry to do, and more dishes on the counter?? Probably. But I will have done what I should have done today, right? I will have ended my day fulfilling his expectations, although I fell short once again.
I remind myself, we are both right, we both have valid feelings about it. Because no matter how I feel.. his perception is his reality, and mine is mine. It is how it has been for centuries. It really is a trivial thing, but it exemplifies so much more than being about the laundry. He needs cleanliness and order. He needs things in their proper place. He needs things done how and when he feels they should be done. He has cleaned both bathrooms the past couple days in between working because they needed to be done and it drove him crazy. Yet he couldn't tell you the last time he cleaned the play area. Or took Hunter to Karate, or took the kids to any of the numerous Dr. appts. Or did the grocery shopping. Because he works all the time and that is my job. We both could justify all we do and still not feel appreciated by each other.
Yet I know he loves me, and I know how hard he works for us. I know the exact feeling he is having when he looks at me with the pain so fresh and strong in his eyes that there are no words to describe it. I know that for both of us everything has changed but so much is expected to be the same. I know there are feelings and worries that he keeps from me because I keep my own from him. Not all, but some. I know I hesitate to dump on him when I feel my emotional cup runneth over. I hesitate to say how bad a day I am having because he might be doing better than me that day, and I hate to take it from him. We lean on each other like we can with no one else. So these little cave man moments of him thinking he is the "Hunter" and I am the "grazer", (old joke.. not funny right now!) are just moments, like so many others we have to live through each day. Even after you finally get the piece of popcorn out from under your gum, it is sore and tender for a while, reminding you it was there. Then just as quickly it is gone and you forget all about it.. until the next time it happens! But we keep eating popcorn, knowing we may have to deal with that minor annoyance. It is worth the risk. Will I annoy Brian again tomorrow?.. probably. Will he annoy me? Probably. In the grand scheme of things, will it matter?.. only for the moment, then it will be gone.. until next time!
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Somewhere..
I didn't think I was a pessimist before Kierra's death, but maybe I was. Maybe I always have been, but it is more obvious to me now. I really try not to dwell on her death. But I have the media, and lawyers to remind me just how screwed up this world can be. And that makes our loss so much more "in our face". Of course, it is always there, but there are different levels. It is very hard to function on the "in your face" level. I manage to dim my grief somewhat to handle the necessary tasks required to get through the average day. Dealing with the media, attorneys, and all the emotions stirred up by them, truly drains the emotional life right out of me. I try to find the good in each day, I try to enjoy the kids and the positive energy they ooze from their pores. Brian & I are taking a much needed, much deserved break next week. I am hoping it helps recharge me. I hate to bring everyone down around me. I wonder if the day will ever come that I am able to see more light than dark. Actually to feel there is something to look forward to, rather than always looking back. I know it is out there, somewhere.. beneath the pale moonlight..
Monday, September 25, 2006
Captain of the Kayak..
That is what Hunter called himself when we were kayaking yesterday morning. Terri, Dori, Hunter, & I went out on the intercoastal side of Guana Park. There are supposed to be Manatees on that side, but we didn't see any. The tide was coming in and we didn't go that far out. We were out for 2 hours, but the tide and current were strong both going out and coming back in, so we didn't get as far as we thought! Hunter chose where he wanted his seat to go on my kayak. He even got to lay back anad chill out while I paddled us around. It went well. He did talk about the day Kierra died. I reassured him and he seemed to accept that. We went to lunch at Caps, and boy does he like gator tail! He liked that better than the shrimp he ordered for his lunch! It was a good day. I am glad he got over the initial fear of going out on the water again. I am looking forward to many more outings!
Saturday, September 23, 2006
A Morning Among My Friends..
Terri, Savannah, Nancy, Dori, & I all got up at the butt crack of dawn..(Savannah says it was before that so it is the lower back of dawn..) and went to the Jax Farmer's Market. It had been described to me a if it was a sight to be seen and a HUGE expanse of produce and fresh foods. It was minimal, although there was a good variety of produce. Just not what I had built it up to be. So we headed north to the Pecan Park Flea Market. It was just after 9 am at this point so most booths were just getting set up and alot weren't even open yet. After that we headed to an early lunch, so we got to Sticky Fingers just as they opened their doors at 11am. It seemed every where we went there were barely any other people there. We bring our own party with us, which was evidenced by our waiter Kenny, so no crowds was just fine with us. We checked out the new Native Sun health food store and then all headed our seperate ways from my house. It was good morning. As it usually is when ever friends have the chance to get together. It was a great way to start the day!
Sense & Sensibility..
Brian & I visited a couple who lost their 24 year old daughter in March due to a drunk driver, he is also a JSO officer. I have blogged before about how similar our situations are. John & Kim are good people. Kim was just in a major accident and was hospitalized and has more surgery to go through. We were talking about how different our perceptions and sensibilities are now. Not much shocks or suprises us anymore.. how bad can it be after what we have lost? Yes, things can always be worse, but you try to numb yourself from whatever is coming next. Some people have the best of intentions and others just don't ever get it. Between legal stuff and a media miscreant, I have been juggling my grief and my anger. It is a tenuous game of chance. So I will juggle away and see where it all falls. Bad things happen to good people all the time. It just offends my senses on numerous levels and I can't talk about it as much as I would like to. So I will work on numbing myself and get through what comes.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
La-la-la
Why can't life be as simple as this single moment? The entire house is quiet. No TV, no radio. Everyone but me is asleep or trying to go to sleep. Almost everyone.. I can hear Alexa singing to herself. Tristan is already asleep. There aren't really any words, just a lot of la-la-las. It is a sound devoid of sorrow, innocent and sweet. It reminds me that these things do still exist, innocence and sweetness. Purity of spirit. She laughs, such a pure sound. No grief to tinge it with guilt or sadness. No hesitation, from her heart. I want to bathe in the light of it. I want to wash my soul with it. There is hope, there is light, in these moments...
Monday, September 18, 2006
Notable Notes..
*Saturday I took Dori, Greta, Nancy, & Terri to a cooking class at Blue Bamboo, Good friends & Good food, who could ask for anything more?!
*Sunday Tristan & Alexa went with Brianne, Hunter spent the day with me because he had a sleepover with Katie & Cody at Greta's. I picked him up in the am. We ended up staying home. It was a Deja Vu kind of day with just Hunter at home.
*Adding to the Deja Vu.. Alex called from Iraq. He had a dream about Tristan getting hurt and had to call to see if he was okay. We kept it all small talk about the kids, etc. He may be there more than a year. He will let us know.
*Tristan has gotten in the habit of saying "No Way!", well Alexa came up to him yesterday evening after he said that and said... "Way!"
*I gave Tristan & Alexa wet wipes to clean off their faces.. Tristan took his, faked a big Ahhh Choo! and then made a noise like blowing his nose. It was too cute, Alexa tried to copy him but doesn't do it as well!
* I finally convinced Hunter to go kayaking with me next weekend. He has said he won't go kayaking again because last time he went Kierra died. I haven't been able to get him back out there since. It was hard for me too, but I hope I can help him overcome it.
*Every morning on the way to school Hunter tells me he misses Kierra and I tell him so do I, every day.
*Hunter has moved up to Master's black belt training in Karate. He now has an orange belt with a gold stripe through it.
*I have been e-bay crazy for size 3 jeans with adjustable waistbands!
*Hunter & I went in the hot tub before his bed time tonight. He says we should do that every night because I need to relax!
Saturday, September 16, 2006
All That Glitters..
It used to be gold & diamonds that I longed for. I would drool over a cute pair of shoes..okay I still drool over shoes.. but I find it funny to realize my wants & desires have changed so much. This week Brian & I went shopping for aplliances. I was going to settle for either a new dish washer, or a new stove. I could barely contain myself! We got all three! Brian likes the stainless steel look, I don't have a preference. So he got the stainless & I got almost an entire new kitchen. The stove & fridge came yesterday. The stove is a 3 rack convection oven as well as a conventional oven. It has the burner and oven door lock out feature to protect the kids. It has a radiant heat cook top with 5 burners. I love it! The dishwasher gets here next week. Last Wednesday Rick put in a new maxed out garbage disposal for me. Our old one was like our dishwasher, you have to do half the job before you use it. We gave Brianne & Justin our old fridge & stove. We took their old fridge and put it in the garage for extra space. Now I need to paint. So for me all that glitters isn't gold anymore, it's cold, hard steel!
Torn between Two..
No, not Tristan & Alexa! I am torn between Liquid Band-aid being my hero, and the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser! I have used them before to clean walls and things, but this time I was truly amazed. I used it to clean my oven.. and it did an awesome job! No smelly sprays or rubbing my fingers raw with steel wool. Just a little elbow grease and my magic eraser! No cleaning sprays, or messy, greasy goo. I wonder how it works on kids?!
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Isn't it ironic??
I just talked about the decals on my car, and then I posted the pix today. Well, I got a phone call today from someone at one of the news channels asking to do a story about the web site. I declined and told him I would gladly contact him when we were ready to go public with it. He called me back this evening shortly after 8 pm to let me know they were going ahead with the story on the 10 o'clock news and he didn't want me caught off gaurd, they would just use old footage from last November. He was sorry, but they decided to go ahead with it. I just said okay and left it at that. I wasn't going to thank him. It took all I had to not go off. I had told him earlier that regardless of his intentions the story would be noticed then picked up by other media and they would all put their own spin on the story. Because that was such an unpredictable chain of events it would be best to not run the story right now with all the legal issues going on. That he would be one of the first on my list when we were ready. He didn't do a "bad" job of it, but he failed to mention we had declined to participate in their version of the story and he made it sound like he had talked to us more than he had. He ran the website and the info and it is not even fully functional yet. I did go on and update the welcome page of the website to explain the news story. I kept it nice and tactful. Boy was that hard! Now I have to deal with all the e-mails and contacts on the website. I have to explain to another news guy who respected my wishes and had held off doing a story for the past month, that I did not give them permission to run this. Isn't it ironic, I have always been outgoing, someone who is always "out there", and now I wish I could be invisible.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Cute?
I was going through starbucks drive through this morning and a young girl was working along side my favorite barista, Joe. She read out loud the CitizensAgainstRoadRage.com that I have in purple accross the center side window of the van. She said"Oh how cute!" I am not sure what she meant. Joe gave her an odd look and said "You know it was her daughter killed on JTB?" She gave him a blank look and said "who?". He sent her to get my croissant, and shaking his head, he apologized. I told him that wasn't necessary. Another woman, Robin, came to the window to say hi and looked at the Window that says Remember Kierra Lee Shore with the dates and a purple fairy and asked how I was doing today. I said fine, got my coffee and drove away. I heard Joe explaining Kierra's accident to the young girl as I left. And I am still puzzled by the girl's "cute" statement. The color of the letters was cute? The CARR was cute? I don't know why I focused on her thinking it was cute. I guess because the idea that anything about it is "cute" seems absurd to me.
And I guess because even now, 10 months later, it is still so painful. And I think it reminded me that although it consumes so much of our lives right now, there are people who don't remember, who don't know why those emblems are on my car. And that seems like another world to me. It seems foreign to think of a life without this tragedy in it. And it makes me feel like I am on the outside looking in to the rest of the world. Or maybe it is being trapped on the inside and looking out at everyone else. Neither view brings the term "cute" to mind!
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Storm Clouds..
The clouds hung gray above us and the rain fell down around us, but we were not to be deterred! Terri, Dori, & I bit the bullet and hit the water anyway. I am sure we looked a bit maniacal putting our kayaks in at the Guana park boat ramp when most sensible people were high & dry on such a dreary morning. But there were no signs of lightening and it wasn't pouring down all that hard. We saw a couple alligators who kept their distance (and so did we!). There were herons and cranes and sandpipers and cormorants and a few more birds I didn't recognize. There were mullet jumping all over the place, but no sign of any jelly fish at the north end of where we usually go. I will have to get a local map of the layout of the water ways through there. It didn't take long for the rain to end and the sun to make an appearance. It was a beautiful day. I am glad we didn't cancel due to the rain. We had lunch at caps and saw a couple dolphins playing in the water. I think we need to hit the ocean soon. Dori was ready to go out again, but we will see how her muscles feel in the morning! I spent the afternoon fighting a wicked headache, and the evening taking care of the kids. Now I have to get some things done and try to get some sleep. Maybe I will dream of calm water and sunny skies...maybe I can fend off the storm clouds in my mind as easlily as we did today..maybe..
Friday, September 08, 2006
Happy & Sad Faces..
Okay, now that I have scared most of you almost to death, I am sorry. I reread my last post and almost deleted it. But I can't. It is what it is. I have to be honest and I have to let it out. I don't know how else to do this. I don't mean to be dark and dismal all the time, I really don't. It comes in waves and as it gets closer to the 1 year mark of her death I am sure I will be the grim reaper. You may want to take a hiatus and blog jump to happier places. I guess I should buy stock in Kleenex! For my diehard blog followers, thank you for sticking by me. Maybe I will start putting happy & sad faces at the top of my posts so you can be fore warned!
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