It has been such a time of emotional change for me. There are obvious reasons and not so obvious reasons. I have lived a life for several years that was missing something, something besides my daughter. I was not being true to my self, and others were not being true to me either. I developed an auto response of distance & anger that permeated every thing i did every single day. What a complete waste of time and energy. What a waste of love and living. I am demanding more, demanding better. But in doing that I must be willing to give the same. Honest commitment has to be a two way street. You have to equal the effort given to you. I am the sum of all my parts.. my husband, my children, my friends, my family, and not least among them.. myself. If you feed me I will thrive accordingly. What you feed me will produce what you get in return.
I have not felt this loved in a very long time. It is wonderful, yet scary too. Brian and I are refocusing on each other. Rediscovering what we love about each other. We got too used to not wanting to burden each other, thinking the other had enough to contend with. We got too used to doing what we had to do to keep our family going, instead of what we needed to be doing to keep our family alive. We got too used to standing on our own two feet and forgetting that we had each other to lean on.
This is not going back to what used to be. This is learning to move forward in a different way. A better way. Change is hard, change can be scary. But change can be good, even wonderful, amazing. It has been such a rough journey since Kierra's death. It isn't just about that, but there is definitely a before & after. It has been uncharted territory for us. We do the best we know how. I have felt the difference, the shift in us. I have moments of doubt. Moments of thinking we will fall back into complacency. But the moments of feeling loved & wanted outnumber the moments of feeling anything else. I'll take that any day.. I'll take that every day!