I unexpectedly started a part time job on the 7th of June. It was a job that I had been approached about before but it never panned out. I went in on the 7th to discuss it & ended up working! It was supposed to be a few hours a couple days a week. Thank goodness I had already signed the kids up for 3 full days of camp each week for the summer. I now work 3 full days each week & will most likely go to full time as soon as school starts back the end of August. I am an office manager/gal Friday for an owner of 2 companies, an automotive shop & a foam insulation company. Although he has been doing this for years, they both are small busineses with alot of growth potential. I am pretty much my own boss, which is a good thing :), and I am allowed alot of freedom & creativity with organizing things, marketing, & advertising. I am really enjoying it!
I have not worked a professional job in 6 1/2 years. I know the kids "need" me, but it hasn't fed me intellectually. I cannot find the words to describe the satisfaction I have gotten from this job. Tasks that I find to be simple & easy to accomplish are accepted as manna from Heaven at this job. Abilities that I find almost effortless are praised and appreciated. My ideas are eagerly talked about & given credence. I have not felt this productive & valued in a very long time.
I know Brian & the kids appreciate what I do, but it is almost by rote. I am using parts of my brain that have lain dormant for far too long! Of course I come home to the same chores & needs from my family that I have done for those 6 1/2 years prior to now. But I have such a greater desire to get things done & prepare to greet a new day, a new challenge, a new life outside of these walls. I think the kids, Brian, & I will all reap the rewards of this new adventure/endeavor.
I undersold myself initially, but have already discussed ammending the terms of my employment.. at his request. I know there will be days when I may not love it so much, but right now it is nectar to me. This part of me has been in limbo far to long. I feel like a blossom springing forth from hard, dry soil that someone has watered and fertilized at long last. My petals are reaching out to the sun & I am ready to bloom!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Monday, June 07, 2010
Hard To Believe...
Hard to believe it has been over a month since I last posted.. I think Facebook is my mini blog! Hard to believe Chad is in Hawaii & has been gone with the Army for almost a year & a half. Hard to believe Brianne & Justin just celebrated their 5th wedding anniversary on the 4th! Hard to believe the twin's have completed kindergarten & will be in 1st grade this fall! Hard to believe Hunter will be in the double digits (10) when he has his birthday this year! Hard to believe I worked at a real job for the first time in 6 years today!
Even harder to believe Wednesday would be Kierra's 29th birthday. I can't help but think of it. So much is going on, things seem to fly by with the speed of light, yet when I think of her birth, her death, things seem to move in slow motion. I feel cheated that I can't think of the first without the last. I can't revisit the joy of her birth, of her life, without the pain of her death following so close behind.
This is life without Kierra. It isn't easier, we have just learned to cope better. I shared with someone else who was grieving recently that we have to allow ourselves the bad days that come. We have to allow ourselves the moments that break our hearts all over again... like when I am dreaming of her & the alarm goes off.. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter to hold onto her just a second longer rather than open them & lose her again. Like when one of her children laughs out loud with their face full of her smile & I have to choke back the tears as she looks out of their faces.
I am thinking of releasing some clear ballons with little messages to her on Wednesday afternoon.. Hunter has an appt. with his therapist in Ponte Vedra, it is close to the beach. The clear ballons are because the sea turtles think popped colored ballons are jellyfish & eat them, they suffocate from them & die.. Kie wouldn't like that. It's that kind of little thing that pops into my mind unexpectedly, but that's OK. She was part of my life before she was born, & she will be until I take my last breath. Life without her.. hard to believe..
Even harder to believe Wednesday would be Kierra's 29th birthday. I can't help but think of it. So much is going on, things seem to fly by with the speed of light, yet when I think of her birth, her death, things seem to move in slow motion. I feel cheated that I can't think of the first without the last. I can't revisit the joy of her birth, of her life, without the pain of her death following so close behind.
This is life without Kierra. It isn't easier, we have just learned to cope better. I shared with someone else who was grieving recently that we have to allow ourselves the bad days that come. We have to allow ourselves the moments that break our hearts all over again... like when I am dreaming of her & the alarm goes off.. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter to hold onto her just a second longer rather than open them & lose her again. Like when one of her children laughs out loud with their face full of her smile & I have to choke back the tears as she looks out of their faces.
I am thinking of releasing some clear ballons with little messages to her on Wednesday afternoon.. Hunter has an appt. with his therapist in Ponte Vedra, it is close to the beach. The clear ballons are because the sea turtles think popped colored ballons are jellyfish & eat them, they suffocate from them & die.. Kie wouldn't like that. It's that kind of little thing that pops into my mind unexpectedly, but that's OK. She was part of my life before she was born, & she will be until I take my last breath. Life without her.. hard to believe..
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wakey, Wakey.. I'm awake!
I have really struggled the past couple weeks with how to share what I have been going through. I have started several times then stopped & deleted several times. So I am determined this time to jump in with both feet & get through it!
I am not sure exactly when I realized I was not myself anymore. I knew I had been moody, angry, on edge. I knew I intended to do things, but they never got done. I did all the things I needed to do to care for the kids, but next to nothing to care for myself. I would get the kids off to school, come home, sit on the couch or in one of the chairs, then be amazed that it was time to pick them up. I wasn't sleeping the day away, I was just staring at the television losing hours at a time. Hindsight is 20/20.I can see looking back, but not when it was happening. I finally made an appt. with my doctor. I was at a point I had never been to before. A dear friend had shared issues she had following her hysterectomy. That seemed like such a relief that it could be something that simple.
My Dr. spent alot of time with me at that appt. We talked about everything that had been happening in my life since my surgery last May. She believes I may have some mild symptoms due to hormones, but she firmly believes I was in a severe depression.
That seemed strange to me considering it has been over 4 years since Kierra's death. How could I be more depressed than I was when she died?? I had worked so hard to cope & be strong & do what needed to be done for my family.
August 25th, 2009 my brother-in-law & one of my dearest friends both died within 2 hours of each other. Randy had been very ill for the previous year & was diagnosed as terminal a short time before his death. Debbie had been unexpectedly hospitalized & declined quickly. It is hard to compare the 3 losses. There is no comparison. Each one was devestating for me in their own individual ways. I had been on autopilot since Kierra's death. Keeping myself busy & involved in so many things that I did not have time to let myself truly open that wound & let it heal. I cannot imagine it ever truly healing. So when my mind tried to process losing Randy & Debbie at the same time, it again tried to put me on autopilot, forging ahead like before. The flaw in that was that no matter how determined my mind was to ignore it, my body responded of it's own accord. I began to sleep less & less. I became more & more disinterested in the things I once enjoyed. I became oblivious to the things I left undone around me. I put on my happy face when necessary, but even that began to require energy I didn't have. I missed meetings for the cooking club, multiples group, school groups. I slowly removed myself from almost any social situation.
It took all I had to care for the children & try to function in what I thought was a normal world.
My Dr. not only insisted I try medication, but felt it was my only option. I have had an aversion to taking pills. Having exposure to several addicts in my life, I have always shied away from any meds that would blur my senses, or make me unaware. That seems funny now when I can look back & see how unaware I was for several months.
Taking the meds was almost immediately like waking from a deep sleep, or like fog clearing & being able to see what is right in front of you.. I was shocked to see how many things I had let slide, or completely forgotten about. Our house was by no means in a state that was unhealthy, but it was not how I was used to it being. I spent the first week cleaning & getting rid of alot of stuff. There are a number of projects I have left undone or only partially finished. But I am getting there.
I am trying to not dwell on what I haven't done, but keep moving forward to doing what needs to be done. I know it will take time. I know I will still have days when I will just want to do nothing but cry. My meds aren't magic. They aren't going to make me happy all the time. They do make me more aware, more motivated to get things done. I have enjoyed my children, my family, my dogs, my horses.. especially the horses.. more than I have in months. But I am not a zombie.. I am not so high that I can't function. Actually I don't feel "high" at all.. I feel awake, alive.. and glad to be. That may be the biggest change of all..
I am not sure exactly when I realized I was not myself anymore. I knew I had been moody, angry, on edge. I knew I intended to do things, but they never got done. I did all the things I needed to do to care for the kids, but next to nothing to care for myself. I would get the kids off to school, come home, sit on the couch or in one of the chairs, then be amazed that it was time to pick them up. I wasn't sleeping the day away, I was just staring at the television losing hours at a time. Hindsight is 20/20.I can see looking back, but not when it was happening. I finally made an appt. with my doctor. I was at a point I had never been to before. A dear friend had shared issues she had following her hysterectomy. That seemed like such a relief that it could be something that simple.
My Dr. spent alot of time with me at that appt. We talked about everything that had been happening in my life since my surgery last May. She believes I may have some mild symptoms due to hormones, but she firmly believes I was in a severe depression.
That seemed strange to me considering it has been over 4 years since Kierra's death. How could I be more depressed than I was when she died?? I had worked so hard to cope & be strong & do what needed to be done for my family.
August 25th, 2009 my brother-in-law & one of my dearest friends both died within 2 hours of each other. Randy had been very ill for the previous year & was diagnosed as terminal a short time before his death. Debbie had been unexpectedly hospitalized & declined quickly. It is hard to compare the 3 losses. There is no comparison. Each one was devestating for me in their own individual ways. I had been on autopilot since Kierra's death. Keeping myself busy & involved in so many things that I did not have time to let myself truly open that wound & let it heal. I cannot imagine it ever truly healing. So when my mind tried to process losing Randy & Debbie at the same time, it again tried to put me on autopilot, forging ahead like before. The flaw in that was that no matter how determined my mind was to ignore it, my body responded of it's own accord. I began to sleep less & less. I became more & more disinterested in the things I once enjoyed. I became oblivious to the things I left undone around me. I put on my happy face when necessary, but even that began to require energy I didn't have. I missed meetings for the cooking club, multiples group, school groups. I slowly removed myself from almost any social situation.
It took all I had to care for the children & try to function in what I thought was a normal world.
My Dr. not only insisted I try medication, but felt it was my only option. I have had an aversion to taking pills. Having exposure to several addicts in my life, I have always shied away from any meds that would blur my senses, or make me unaware. That seems funny now when I can look back & see how unaware I was for several months.
Taking the meds was almost immediately like waking from a deep sleep, or like fog clearing & being able to see what is right in front of you.. I was shocked to see how many things I had let slide, or completely forgotten about. Our house was by no means in a state that was unhealthy, but it was not how I was used to it being. I spent the first week cleaning & getting rid of alot of stuff. There are a number of projects I have left undone or only partially finished. But I am getting there.
I am trying to not dwell on what I haven't done, but keep moving forward to doing what needs to be done. I know it will take time. I know I will still have days when I will just want to do nothing but cry. My meds aren't magic. They aren't going to make me happy all the time. They do make me more aware, more motivated to get things done. I have enjoyed my children, my family, my dogs, my horses.. especially the horses.. more than I have in months. But I am not a zombie.. I am not so high that I can't function. Actually I don't feel "high" at all.. I feel awake, alive.. and glad to be. That may be the biggest change of all..
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Me & creepy crawlers.. Now it's war!
I have lots to blog about, will have to backtrack a little later.. been very busy.. as usual, life is busy & we tend to get caught up in it!
The kids & I made a quick run down to Clearwater/St. Pete to check on Brian's Mom & get some stuff done at her house. We got there yesterday afternoon & came home today. I decided to stay at her house last night so I could get more done. Her house has been empty for about 4 months while she has been back and forth between the hospital & rehab. She has lived on her own there for almost 5 years before that. Her ability to care for the house is limited & despite the best of intentions, it has been difficult for anyone else to convince her to let go of "saving" things. I spent almost a week there a few years ago to clear out her garage & a storage room in her house. Yet everywhere you turn there is more stuff!
My Grammy was one of the most fastidious woman I have ever known. She battled cockroaches, palmetto bugs, silverfish etc. all the time. I am a Yankee. I didn't move to Florida until I was 9 years old. We didn't have those kinds of bugs up north. I learned very quickly that there are lots of them in Florida & they like the dark! Most kids collected change for candy, I collected change to buy bug spray after waking up with them crawling on me in my bed! I would hide it under my bed because my parents said it was a waste of money & couldn't understand my fear. Every night I would push my bed away from the wall & spray all under & around my bed. Then I would lay awake until I heard my parents go to bed. Then I turned my light on & sat in the middle of my bed with my spray in hand. I fell asleep like that most nights & I would wake up in a panic the next morning to turn off my light before my parents noticed. I got caught many times & got in a lot of trouble for wasting electricity. That fear & obsession about roaches of all kinds has stayed with me throughout my life.
When I was a very young bride & pregnant with Kierra I lived in Indiana. My Father-in-law put the deposit down on a trailer for us to live in. It was a new experience for me & I tried to be grateful. When we went into the trailer & checked out the kitchen someone opened the stove & roaches scattered all over. I screamed & ran out crying that I could not live there. I paid dearly for embarrassing my father in law & husband. (both are now in the EX category!) I begged for bug spray & suffered many sleepless nights there until we moved.
Brian & the kids thought Joe's Apartment was a funny movie.. I couldn't stay in the room while they watched it! While they laughed at the bugs dancing on the toilet seat I was fighting back the heebie-jeebies & dreading the nightmares. They came.. me in a bathtub full of them & no one could hear me screaming!
And yes, I have to talked to a therapist about it!! I can manage my phobia quite well. But there are some instances that despite my best efforts I have aftershocks of physcosomatic hives & that sensation of things crawling in my hair.
Brian's childhood home isn't far from the neighborhood I lived in when we moved to Florida. His mom came from a generation when times were tough & you reused everything you could to stretch that dollar & not be wasteful. So did mine. They saved paper bags, cardboard boxes, margarine containers, all kinds of things that could be useful again.
I had my first episode of "hives & spider hair" when I helped my parents pack to move from Florida to Tennessee several years ago. They had cabinets full of stuff that they had hoarded over the many years they lived there. Needless to say there were lots of roaches of various sizes scurrying as we tried to pack & clean. The hives & creepy crawly scalp lasted a few days then just as quickly went away. Creams & meds did nothing to help. I would even scratch in my sleep. I rarely stayed at their house back then. I have only stayed at Brian's parent's house a handful of times in over 27 years of marriage for that reason.
Roaches love paper of any kind, in any form. Not to mention any food that is left available to their houdini ability to get inside things. They love clutter & dark places. They especially love cardboard boxes full of papers, books, anything that gives them a food source & a place to hide.
Cleaning Brian's parent's garage & storage room had that same "hives & spider hair" reaction cropping up almost immediately. It lasted for weeks that time. I wasn't going to stay there last night, but we got in later than planned & I really wanted to get some cleaning done & get anything trash worthy out of there.. I filled 4 commercial trash bags!
By 3 am I was tired & ready for sleep.. I had cleaned & sprayed, sprayed & cleaned. She had hoarded paper bags, years worth of the plastic bags the newspaper comes in.. empty envelopes from things that were mailed to her.. pieces if cardboard from the back of note pads.. just lots & lots of roach food! With the house empty & almost always dark there was a bug party going on 24/7. I could not bring myself to turn off the lights.. so I went to try to sleep in the one room I had purged, cleaned, & sprayed hours earlier where we were all sleeping. I could not do it, I could not close my eyes. I dozed a few times & woke up in a panic, grabbing the can of bug spray to protect myself. I thought I was still doing well since I did not break out in hives. Although the creepy crawly scalp thing was in full force! On the way home I started scratching my thighs & arms, then I was rubbing my back on my seat.. yup.. hives had arrived!!
It may seem silly to some, but it is what it is.. some people have a fear of flying, of snakes, of spiders, of mice.. I have a fear of roaches.. but I will still do what has to be done to get that house purged of them. I am planning on a trip down in about 2 weeks to bomb the heck out of that house. A few more trash bags & their food sources should be gone.. any important papers/books will be put in airtight bins. Blankets, towels, & sheets will be in large ziploc storage bags. Because now it's war!!
The kids & I made a quick run down to Clearwater/St. Pete to check on Brian's Mom & get some stuff done at her house. We got there yesterday afternoon & came home today. I decided to stay at her house last night so I could get more done. Her house has been empty for about 4 months while she has been back and forth between the hospital & rehab. She has lived on her own there for almost 5 years before that. Her ability to care for the house is limited & despite the best of intentions, it has been difficult for anyone else to convince her to let go of "saving" things. I spent almost a week there a few years ago to clear out her garage & a storage room in her house. Yet everywhere you turn there is more stuff!
My Grammy was one of the most fastidious woman I have ever known. She battled cockroaches, palmetto bugs, silverfish etc. all the time. I am a Yankee. I didn't move to Florida until I was 9 years old. We didn't have those kinds of bugs up north. I learned very quickly that there are lots of them in Florida & they like the dark! Most kids collected change for candy, I collected change to buy bug spray after waking up with them crawling on me in my bed! I would hide it under my bed because my parents said it was a waste of money & couldn't understand my fear. Every night I would push my bed away from the wall & spray all under & around my bed. Then I would lay awake until I heard my parents go to bed. Then I turned my light on & sat in the middle of my bed with my spray in hand. I fell asleep like that most nights & I would wake up in a panic the next morning to turn off my light before my parents noticed. I got caught many times & got in a lot of trouble for wasting electricity. That fear & obsession about roaches of all kinds has stayed with me throughout my life.
When I was a very young bride & pregnant with Kierra I lived in Indiana. My Father-in-law put the deposit down on a trailer for us to live in. It was a new experience for me & I tried to be grateful. When we went into the trailer & checked out the kitchen someone opened the stove & roaches scattered all over. I screamed & ran out crying that I could not live there. I paid dearly for embarrassing my father in law & husband. (both are now in the EX category!) I begged for bug spray & suffered many sleepless nights there until we moved.
Brian & the kids thought Joe's Apartment was a funny movie.. I couldn't stay in the room while they watched it! While they laughed at the bugs dancing on the toilet seat I was fighting back the heebie-jeebies & dreading the nightmares. They came.. me in a bathtub full of them & no one could hear me screaming!
And yes, I have to talked to a therapist about it!! I can manage my phobia quite well. But there are some instances that despite my best efforts I have aftershocks of physcosomatic hives & that sensation of things crawling in my hair.
Brian's childhood home isn't far from the neighborhood I lived in when we moved to Florida. His mom came from a generation when times were tough & you reused everything you could to stretch that dollar & not be wasteful. So did mine. They saved paper bags, cardboard boxes, margarine containers, all kinds of things that could be useful again.
I had my first episode of "hives & spider hair" when I helped my parents pack to move from Florida to Tennessee several years ago. They had cabinets full of stuff that they had hoarded over the many years they lived there. Needless to say there were lots of roaches of various sizes scurrying as we tried to pack & clean. The hives & creepy crawly scalp lasted a few days then just as quickly went away. Creams & meds did nothing to help. I would even scratch in my sleep. I rarely stayed at their house back then. I have only stayed at Brian's parent's house a handful of times in over 27 years of marriage for that reason.
Roaches love paper of any kind, in any form. Not to mention any food that is left available to their houdini ability to get inside things. They love clutter & dark places. They especially love cardboard boxes full of papers, books, anything that gives them a food source & a place to hide.
Cleaning Brian's parent's garage & storage room had that same "hives & spider hair" reaction cropping up almost immediately. It lasted for weeks that time. I wasn't going to stay there last night, but we got in later than planned & I really wanted to get some cleaning done & get anything trash worthy out of there.. I filled 4 commercial trash bags!
By 3 am I was tired & ready for sleep.. I had cleaned & sprayed, sprayed & cleaned. She had hoarded paper bags, years worth of the plastic bags the newspaper comes in.. empty envelopes from things that were mailed to her.. pieces if cardboard from the back of note pads.. just lots & lots of roach food! With the house empty & almost always dark there was a bug party going on 24/7. I could not bring myself to turn off the lights.. so I went to try to sleep in the one room I had purged, cleaned, & sprayed hours earlier where we were all sleeping. I could not do it, I could not close my eyes. I dozed a few times & woke up in a panic, grabbing the can of bug spray to protect myself. I thought I was still doing well since I did not break out in hives. Although the creepy crawly scalp thing was in full force! On the way home I started scratching my thighs & arms, then I was rubbing my back on my seat.. yup.. hives had arrived!!
It may seem silly to some, but it is what it is.. some people have a fear of flying, of snakes, of spiders, of mice.. I have a fear of roaches.. but I will still do what has to be done to get that house purged of them. I am planning on a trip down in about 2 weeks to bomb the heck out of that house. A few more trash bags & their food sources should be gone.. any important papers/books will be put in airtight bins. Blankets, towels, & sheets will be in large ziploc storage bags. Because now it's war!!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Onward to a Better Day!
The "spring forward" with daylight savings has really been a hard adjustment this time! Moving the clocks ahead an hour doesn't sound like such a big deal, but getting kids to go to bed when it is still light out & getting up when it is still dark is a bear! Moving their bedtime an hour later isn't good for their health or mine either. Then they would be even harder to get up in the morning. We will eventually adjust, but right now it starts the day off rough. We actually did okay this am after the initial dragging them out of bed!
But then my day spiraled downward. I tried to salvage what I could, but man was it rough! We got to the bus stop, which is in the parking lot of our communtiy center. There was a huge moving truck, with car in tow, parked directly across from the entrance. There were about 15 other cars parked waiting for the bus. It was obvious the bus would not be able to get past this truck. I wasn't sure if anyone had addressed the problem, so I got out of my car, crossed the street & knocked on the door until someone answered. I explained the probelm & asked them to please move their truck. I hailed the bus driver & told him it would be just a minute til the guy got his keys. Problem solved. As I was getting in my car another parent rolled down their window as they were leaving. He (the parent) proceeded to rant about the guy with the moving truck. It took alot for me to be civil. The guy was parked in front of his house.. he wasn't in the wrong, just in the way. I just told the parent it was no big deal.. problem solved.
I left to go to the grocery store. There was a terrible accident where the road merges to 2 lanes instead of 4. The road was blocked while the Life Flight helicopter landed. It looked like there may also have been a fatality. The guy in front of me got out of his car & proceeded to yell at the police & paramedics about being delayed for work. I could not believe how callous he seemed about the life or lives that were hanging in the balance such a short distance away. The helicopter was landing, there was no doubt why we were being held back. Finally one of the officers came over & shut him up. It was hard for me not to approach him myself. I continued on my way to the store.
While I was driving I thought about what a rude welcome to the neighborhood the couple must have had from me this morning. I was nice about it, but I obviously woke them up. They arrived very late last night & had alot of unloading & unpacking to do today. I ran into the store, grabbed some muffins for them & the pasta I needed. I wasn't there even 10 minutes. I came out to my car. There was a guy a couple spaces away from where I was parked. He was looking at my van, then turned to me as I approached. He then proceeded to rant about my dogs being in my van while I shopped. I tried to explain that they enjoy being in the car, it was only a few minutes, the back windows were open, I was parked in the shade, it was 8:30 am & it was only 48 degrees out, not 70. They were wagging their tails & in no distress. He was on a roll, threatened to report me for animal abuse, etc. I did my best to not lose my cool. I do not condone leaving your pets in your vehicle for long periods of time, or for any time in hot weather. If it is even mildly warm out & they are with me I leave the AC on & the car running if I have to run in for something ( I have keyless entry). In colder weather they go everywhere with me. I leave windows open & they love it. They both hate being left home alone. I would never jeopardize their lives. I thanked him for his concern , got in my car & left.
I went to starbucks on the way home, got my self coffee & 2 coffees for the new neighbors.
I dropped off the muffins & coffee, reintroduced myself & properly welcomed them to the neighborhood. I told them where I live & told them to come by if they needed anything. I got in my car & went home. Then I realized they screwed up my coffee & it was awful! I thought about going all the way back & having them give me the correct coffee. Then I went in, added some vanilla syrup & fixed my coffee. I was going to relax with my coffee & spend some time on Facebook only to have it freeze up on me & give me page errors. All of this before 9 am!
Then I sat here & reviewed the series of events. They could have been worse. I could have been the one woken up abruptly by a stranger in my new home. I could have been the one who was in, or had a loved one in, that accident. I could have been one of those ranting, angry men. I could have not made ammends with that couple. I could let this ruin my whole day. But I won't. I will release it here & let it go. That is progress for me. I know I have it in me to have reacted very differently than I did today. I tried to think about the other side of the situation. It doesn't mean the two ranting lunatics were right.. just that they believed they were & there was no use trying to convince them otherwise. That is a huge concession for me. It is also huge that I recognize that. There may be hope for me yet!!
Onward to a better day!!
But then my day spiraled downward. I tried to salvage what I could, but man was it rough! We got to the bus stop, which is in the parking lot of our communtiy center. There was a huge moving truck, with car in tow, parked directly across from the entrance. There were about 15 other cars parked waiting for the bus. It was obvious the bus would not be able to get past this truck. I wasn't sure if anyone had addressed the problem, so I got out of my car, crossed the street & knocked on the door until someone answered. I explained the probelm & asked them to please move their truck. I hailed the bus driver & told him it would be just a minute til the guy got his keys. Problem solved. As I was getting in my car another parent rolled down their window as they were leaving. He (the parent) proceeded to rant about the guy with the moving truck. It took alot for me to be civil. The guy was parked in front of his house.. he wasn't in the wrong, just in the way. I just told the parent it was no big deal.. problem solved.
I left to go to the grocery store. There was a terrible accident where the road merges to 2 lanes instead of 4. The road was blocked while the Life Flight helicopter landed. It looked like there may also have been a fatality. The guy in front of me got out of his car & proceeded to yell at the police & paramedics about being delayed for work. I could not believe how callous he seemed about the life or lives that were hanging in the balance such a short distance away. The helicopter was landing, there was no doubt why we were being held back. Finally one of the officers came over & shut him up. It was hard for me not to approach him myself. I continued on my way to the store.
While I was driving I thought about what a rude welcome to the neighborhood the couple must have had from me this morning. I was nice about it, but I obviously woke them up. They arrived very late last night & had alot of unloading & unpacking to do today. I ran into the store, grabbed some muffins for them & the pasta I needed. I wasn't there even 10 minutes. I came out to my car. There was a guy a couple spaces away from where I was parked. He was looking at my van, then turned to me as I approached. He then proceeded to rant about my dogs being in my van while I shopped. I tried to explain that they enjoy being in the car, it was only a few minutes, the back windows were open, I was parked in the shade, it was 8:30 am & it was only 48 degrees out, not 70. They were wagging their tails & in no distress. He was on a roll, threatened to report me for animal abuse, etc. I did my best to not lose my cool. I do not condone leaving your pets in your vehicle for long periods of time, or for any time in hot weather. If it is even mildly warm out & they are with me I leave the AC on & the car running if I have to run in for something ( I have keyless entry). In colder weather they go everywhere with me. I leave windows open & they love it. They both hate being left home alone. I would never jeopardize their lives. I thanked him for his concern , got in my car & left.
I went to starbucks on the way home, got my self coffee & 2 coffees for the new neighbors.
I dropped off the muffins & coffee, reintroduced myself & properly welcomed them to the neighborhood. I told them where I live & told them to come by if they needed anything. I got in my car & went home. Then I realized they screwed up my coffee & it was awful! I thought about going all the way back & having them give me the correct coffee. Then I went in, added some vanilla syrup & fixed my coffee. I was going to relax with my coffee & spend some time on Facebook only to have it freeze up on me & give me page errors. All of this before 9 am!
Then I sat here & reviewed the series of events. They could have been worse. I could have been the one woken up abruptly by a stranger in my new home. I could have been the one who was in, or had a loved one in, that accident. I could have been one of those ranting, angry men. I could have not made ammends with that couple. I could let this ruin my whole day. But I won't. I will release it here & let it go. That is progress for me. I know I have it in me to have reacted very differently than I did today. I tried to think about the other side of the situation. It doesn't mean the two ranting lunatics were right.. just that they believed they were & there was no use trying to convince them otherwise. That is a huge concession for me. It is also huge that I recognize that. There may be hope for me yet!!
Onward to a better day!!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Even as I smile..
I am watching You Got Served. It is a movie about Street Dancing. I am listening to the hip hop music in it & I can remember Kierra liking this movie. I have seen it before. I actually like the movie. But I am not watching it for the movie.. I am watching it for the memories. I am watching it for the feeling of familiarity it brings me. My life seems at times to feel so unfamiliar to me.
It is a dual edged sword to invite this nostalgia. It brings grief, it brings pain. But it brings the image of her smiling face to my mind as well. I consider it a worthy trade. I wipe the tears from my eyes even as I smile, remembering.
I have a bad habit of late. I tend to go on autopilot when talking about Kierra's death. It is done by rote. I have gotten almost too good at flipping my emotional switch off. So when I am sitting here alone in the late of night & come across a conduit to my memories & emotions, I let them flow. I embrace the joy as well as the pain, knowing they come together. Knowing I cannot have one without the other. That is the cruelest thing of all. I cannot have a joyous memory, recall a happy moment without the aftermath it brings. That too has been taken from me, right along with her. My grief is my Absinthe, my deadly nightshade, my belladonna.. it has to be tempered, controlled, held back so that I can survive, carry on with the life that I have been left with. I have built up a resistance over time, but my heart is not impervious to it. I have to realize it never will be.
I will take these moments, these memories, and I will wipe the tears from my eyes.. even as I smile.
It is a dual edged sword to invite this nostalgia. It brings grief, it brings pain. But it brings the image of her smiling face to my mind as well. I consider it a worthy trade. I wipe the tears from my eyes even as I smile, remembering.
I have a bad habit of late. I tend to go on autopilot when talking about Kierra's death. It is done by rote. I have gotten almost too good at flipping my emotional switch off. So when I am sitting here alone in the late of night & come across a conduit to my memories & emotions, I let them flow. I embrace the joy as well as the pain, knowing they come together. Knowing I cannot have one without the other. That is the cruelest thing of all. I cannot have a joyous memory, recall a happy moment without the aftermath it brings. That too has been taken from me, right along with her. My grief is my Absinthe, my deadly nightshade, my belladonna.. it has to be tempered, controlled, held back so that I can survive, carry on with the life that I have been left with. I have built up a resistance over time, but my heart is not impervious to it. I have to realize it never will be.
I will take these moments, these memories, and I will wipe the tears from my eyes.. even as I smile.
Taco Burgers
1 Beaten Egg
1/4 Cup Milk
1/2 Cup Soft Bread Crumbs
1/3 Cup Finely Chopped Onion
1 Envelope Taco Seasoning Mix
1 1/2 lbs Ground Beef
1 (11.5 oz) Can Condensed Bean with Bacon Soup
1/2 Cup Water
2 Medium Tomatoes, Chopped
1 Cup Shredded Cheese (I use Cheddar or Mexican Blend)
In a large bowl combine the egg, milk, bread crumbs, onion, & seasoning mix. Add beef; mix well to incorporate all ingredients. Shape into 6 patties. ( I make smaller patties so I usually get more than 6)
In a large, lightly oiled skillet brown the patties on both sides. In another bowl mix the condensed soup with the 1/2 cup water; then spoon over meat. Cover; cook over low heat for 15 minutes. Top with the chopped tomatoes & cheese. Heat covered for about 4 minutes longer until the cheese has melted.
Serve with Corn Chips or Frito Scoops.
1/4 Cup Milk
1/2 Cup Soft Bread Crumbs
1/3 Cup Finely Chopped Onion
1 Envelope Taco Seasoning Mix
1 1/2 lbs Ground Beef
1 (11.5 oz) Can Condensed Bean with Bacon Soup
1/2 Cup Water
2 Medium Tomatoes, Chopped
1 Cup Shredded Cheese (I use Cheddar or Mexican Blend)
In a large bowl combine the egg, milk, bread crumbs, onion, & seasoning mix. Add beef; mix well to incorporate all ingredients. Shape into 6 patties. ( I make smaller patties so I usually get more than 6)
In a large, lightly oiled skillet brown the patties on both sides. In another bowl mix the condensed soup with the 1/2 cup water; then spoon over meat. Cover; cook over low heat for 15 minutes. Top with the chopped tomatoes & cheese. Heat covered for about 4 minutes longer until the cheese has melted.
Serve with Corn Chips or Frito Scoops.
Another Banana Bread recipe (with glaze)
1/3 cup butter or margarine
2/3 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon grated lemon peel
2 eggs, beaten
1 1/2 cups mashed ripe banana, (about 3 medium)
1 3/4 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cream butter & sugar in large bowl til light & fluffy. Stir in lemon peel. Stir in eggs & bananas. Combine the dry ingredients in a seperate bowl, then add to the banana mixture slowly, stirring just until moistened. Fold in the nuts.
Pour into greased & floured loaf pan(s) about 3/4 full. (depending on the size of the pan, may make 2 loaves) Bake for 1 hour.
Brown Sugar Glaze
3 tablespoons butter or margarine
1/3 cup brown sugar
3 tablespoons whipping cream
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
Combine butter, sugar, & cream in saucepan. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Let boil for 1 minute then remove from heat. Stir in vanilla. Spoon or pour over banana bread once it is cooled.
2/3 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon grated lemon peel
2 eggs, beaten
1 1/2 cups mashed ripe banana, (about 3 medium)
1 3/4 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cream butter & sugar in large bowl til light & fluffy. Stir in lemon peel. Stir in eggs & bananas. Combine the dry ingredients in a seperate bowl, then add to the banana mixture slowly, stirring just until moistened. Fold in the nuts.
Pour into greased & floured loaf pan(s) about 3/4 full. (depending on the size of the pan, may make 2 loaves) Bake for 1 hour.
Brown Sugar Glaze
3 tablespoons butter or margarine
1/3 cup brown sugar
3 tablespoons whipping cream
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
Combine butter, sugar, & cream in saucepan. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Let boil for 1 minute then remove from heat. Stir in vanilla. Spoon or pour over banana bread once it is cooled.
Grammy's Banana Bread recipe
5-6 medium bananas, mashed
3 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 cup melted shortening (or margarine/butter)
2 eggs
2 cups sugar
Beat eggs well, add sugar & mix well. Add melted shortening (or marg/butter), let mixture cool a few minutes. Add in mashed bananas. Then mix in dry ingredients. Pour into greased & floured loaf pan(s). .. about 3/4 full. Bake for 1 hour in a preheated 350 degree oven.
Optional.. add 1 cup chopped nuts when you add in the dry ingredients.
I remember when I was first married to Brian.. we lived in Wyoming & I didn't know anyone but him when we moved there. I called Grammy alot back then. I could cook anything that came with directions, but that was about it. She shared alot of her recipes with me. I cherish them still. I didn't realize that the change in altitude would affect the recipe, so to this day Brian recalls my banana bricks! I so wish I could still call her & hear her voice on the other end of the phone.
3 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 cup melted shortening (or margarine/butter)
2 eggs
2 cups sugar
Beat eggs well, add sugar & mix well. Add melted shortening (or marg/butter), let mixture cool a few minutes. Add in mashed bananas. Then mix in dry ingredients. Pour into greased & floured loaf pan(s). .. about 3/4 full. Bake for 1 hour in a preheated 350 degree oven.
Optional.. add 1 cup chopped nuts when you add in the dry ingredients.
I remember when I was first married to Brian.. we lived in Wyoming & I didn't know anyone but him when we moved there. I called Grammy alot back then. I could cook anything that came with directions, but that was about it. She shared alot of her recipes with me. I cherish them still. I didn't realize that the change in altitude would affect the recipe, so to this day Brian recalls my banana bricks! I so wish I could still call her & hear her voice on the other end of the phone.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
A Hard Habit to Break..
I just commented on Facebook about the saying "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" & that my road was paved to hell & back! That covers alot of ground for me. I had intentions to get back to blogging, I have not done so well with that. I am not sure why. I do not intentionally avoid it, but it never seems to get to the top of my to-do list.
I try to help others in whatever way I can. I try to fix things when someone needs me too. I tend to do it wether I am asked to or not. Therein lies the flaw of being a habitual "fixer"! The other end of that is when I so desperately want to help & either that person won't let me or there isn't anything I can do to help. I get burnt out, or emotionally drained sometimes, & yet I turn right around & do it again. It is who I am, it is what I do. It makes me feel I have a purpose, that I can do good, therefore I am good.. AHA! A lightbulb moment.. the eternal quest to be "good". To have approval from the ones you love & care about.
So why do I end up feeling bad if I can't help, or if my "helping" doesn't fix the problem? Why do I let it matter so much? I am not content to just try. Even with the best of intentions sometimes "helping" just turns things into a bigger mess. Or something that seems like a small task turns into a huge undertaking.
And I, of course, rarely ask for help from others. I think I am Wonder Woman & can do anything & everything all by myself. I can tell myself I am not, but damned if I don't put on that mask & keep on doing it. It isn't always a bad thing. It is an integral part of who I am. I don't know that I would want to be any other way. I have made a concerted effort, at times, to stop caring too much, to stop being the fixer. It doesn't last long. It is how I live, how I love, how I care for the people in my life.
It has been known to encompass strangers as well. I see someone in need & I am compelled to help. I don't need reciprocation. I don't need recognition or acknowledgment. It somehow feeds my inner being. It is what it is. I use that alot, but it is the simple truth. So even when it goes awry, I continue to try. As I will tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.
My life is a constant work in progress. I have always found it easier to clean someone else's house rather than my own. I think the same goes for helping others solve the problems in their lives.. when my own seem too difficult, or out of my control I can always find some satisfaction helping someone else.
I try to help others in whatever way I can. I try to fix things when someone needs me too. I tend to do it wether I am asked to or not. Therein lies the flaw of being a habitual "fixer"! The other end of that is when I so desperately want to help & either that person won't let me or there isn't anything I can do to help. I get burnt out, or emotionally drained sometimes, & yet I turn right around & do it again. It is who I am, it is what I do. It makes me feel I have a purpose, that I can do good, therefore I am good.. AHA! A lightbulb moment.. the eternal quest to be "good". To have approval from the ones you love & care about.
So why do I end up feeling bad if I can't help, or if my "helping" doesn't fix the problem? Why do I let it matter so much? I am not content to just try. Even with the best of intentions sometimes "helping" just turns things into a bigger mess. Or something that seems like a small task turns into a huge undertaking.
And I, of course, rarely ask for help from others. I think I am Wonder Woman & can do anything & everything all by myself. I can tell myself I am not, but damned if I don't put on that mask & keep on doing it. It isn't always a bad thing. It is an integral part of who I am. I don't know that I would want to be any other way. I have made a concerted effort, at times, to stop caring too much, to stop being the fixer. It doesn't last long. It is how I live, how I love, how I care for the people in my life.
It has been known to encompass strangers as well. I see someone in need & I am compelled to help. I don't need reciprocation. I don't need recognition or acknowledgment. It somehow feeds my inner being. It is what it is. I use that alot, but it is the simple truth. So even when it goes awry, I continue to try. As I will tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.
My life is a constant work in progress. I have always found it easier to clean someone else's house rather than my own. I think the same goes for helping others solve the problems in their lives.. when my own seem too difficult, or out of my control I can always find some satisfaction helping someone else.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
A New Year..
I had the best of intentions for kickstarting 2010. I was going to be a better blogger, better mother, better wife, better friend... a whole new me. That didn't get very far before I realized that I may change some things, I may even change them for the better. But all in all.. I am who & what I am. There is always room for improvement, & I will do what I can to "better" myself. But it will be on my own terms, at my own pace. Not because another day went by, the date changed & the new year demands all those promises. Too much pressure for me, LOL! I have enough of that already!
I did make a change that will surely have a domino effect. On Dec. 29th I moved the horses from an hour away in Calahan, north of Jacksonville.. to 6 minutes from my house, here in St. Augustine. I see them every day. It has already made a huge difference to my worries & concerns for them. It is such a relief to have them so close. I was able to go out for a ride the other day & still had hours left to do other things at home. That in itself is a huge bonus! Brian & the kids will be able to be more involved too. That was the best Christmas present!
We got through the Holidays. This year was especially hard after losing Randy & Debbie August 25th. There were a few other deaths that were not as close, but losses none the less. It took alot of effort for me to even put up the tree, but we did it for the kids & managed to help them enjoy it. Brianne helped me Christmas Eve. & spent the night so she & Justin could be here Christmas morning. Chad didn't make it home. It is the first Christmas he hasn't been with us in his 23 years. That only added to the desire to skip it. I was glad to get it all taken down as soon as I could afterward. Maybe Christmas 2010 will be better for all of us. Maybe the economy will improve & life overall will be just a little bit easier. Maybe..
Hunter turned 9 years old on December 22nd. The twins will be 6 years old on Feb. 4th.
Time still keeps ticking away. Everyone will turn another year older, & we will all face another year of living... life without Kierra.
I did make a change that will surely have a domino effect. On Dec. 29th I moved the horses from an hour away in Calahan, north of Jacksonville.. to 6 minutes from my house, here in St. Augustine. I see them every day. It has already made a huge difference to my worries & concerns for them. It is such a relief to have them so close. I was able to go out for a ride the other day & still had hours left to do other things at home. That in itself is a huge bonus! Brian & the kids will be able to be more involved too. That was the best Christmas present!
We got through the Holidays. This year was especially hard after losing Randy & Debbie August 25th. There were a few other deaths that were not as close, but losses none the less. It took alot of effort for me to even put up the tree, but we did it for the kids & managed to help them enjoy it. Brianne helped me Christmas Eve. & spent the night so she & Justin could be here Christmas morning. Chad didn't make it home. It is the first Christmas he hasn't been with us in his 23 years. That only added to the desire to skip it. I was glad to get it all taken down as soon as I could afterward. Maybe Christmas 2010 will be better for all of us. Maybe the economy will improve & life overall will be just a little bit easier. Maybe..
Hunter turned 9 years old on December 22nd. The twins will be 6 years old on Feb. 4th.
Time still keeps ticking away. Everyone will turn another year older, & we will all face another year of living... life without Kierra.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Easy Peasy Buckeye Candy
1 c. creamy peanut butter (can also use crunchy if you prefer)
1/4 c. butter
1 tsp. vanilla
1 1/2 c. confectioners' sugar
1/2 c. flour
1 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips, melted
Line cookie sheets with waxed paper, you'll need 2. Beat peanut butter, butter and vanilla in a medium mixing bowl until creamy. Gradually beat in sugar and flour until blended. Form a ball using one rounded teaspoon of mixture, approximately 1" ball. Place on cookie sheets and refrigerate until firm (1 hour).
When balls are firm, melt semi-sweet chocolate chips. Spear balls with toothpick and dip into chocolate. Only cover 2/3 of ball so it looks like a real buckeye nut. Refrigerate for 1/2 hour or until chocolate is firm. Voila! Done! Now eat 'em up!
1/4 c. butter
1 tsp. vanilla
1 1/2 c. confectioners' sugar
1/2 c. flour
1 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips, melted
Line cookie sheets with waxed paper, you'll need 2. Beat peanut butter, butter and vanilla in a medium mixing bowl until creamy. Gradually beat in sugar and flour until blended. Form a ball using one rounded teaspoon of mixture, approximately 1" ball. Place on cookie sheets and refrigerate until firm (1 hour).
When balls are firm, melt semi-sweet chocolate chips. Spear balls with toothpick and dip into chocolate. Only cover 2/3 of ball so it looks like a real buckeye nut. Refrigerate for 1/2 hour or until chocolate is firm. Voila! Done! Now eat 'em up!
Stuffed Blueberry French Toast
I made this a few years ago & gave it to friends on Christmas Eve as their gift that year. Hope you like it, posted by request!
1 loaf (~20 oz) bread, I prefer to use Texas Toast (thicker than sandwich bread)
2- 8oz packages of Cream Cheese, cut into small pieces (cubes or chunks)
1 1/2 -2 cups Blueberries (depending on how berry you want it)
12 eggs
1/3 cup Maple Syrup
2 cups Milk
1 tablespoon Cinnamon
1 Teaspoon Vanilla
dash of Nutmeg
There are 2 ways to do this, you can either cut all the bread into cubes, or cut up half of it, and leave half the slices whole. The rest of the recipe is the same either way.
*Place whole bread slices (or half the cubed if you cut it all up) into the bottom of a buttered 13x9x2 pan. Scatter the cream cheese pieces over the bread. Then scatter the blueberries as evenly as you can over the cream cheese. Top with the remaining bread cubes.
*In a seperate bowl, combine the rest of the ingredients & whisk well. Pour the mixture slowly & evenly over the bread.
*Cover & refrigerate overnight. Can be made the same day & refrigerated for 2 hours before cooking, but I find it comes out best when chilled overnight.
*When ready to bake, preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cover & bake for 30 minutes, then uncover & finish baking for another 30 minutes until golden brown. Center should be firm to the touch.
*This can be served as is, sprinkled with some powder sugar, or with your favorite syrup.
I like it with Blueberry sauce, here is the recipe for that:
In a saucepan on top of the stove, on medium heat, combine 1 cup water, 1 cup sugar, 2 tablespoons cornstarch. Heat until this thickens. Then add 1 cup of blueberries, turn down & simmer for about 10 minutes until the berries burst. Take off heat, add 1tablespoon butter to berry sauce, stir well, & enjoy!
1 loaf (~20 oz) bread, I prefer to use Texas Toast (thicker than sandwich bread)
2- 8oz packages of Cream Cheese, cut into small pieces (cubes or chunks)
1 1/2 -2 cups Blueberries (depending on how berry you want it)
12 eggs
1/3 cup Maple Syrup
2 cups Milk
1 tablespoon Cinnamon
1 Teaspoon Vanilla
dash of Nutmeg
There are 2 ways to do this, you can either cut all the bread into cubes, or cut up half of it, and leave half the slices whole. The rest of the recipe is the same either way.
*Place whole bread slices (or half the cubed if you cut it all up) into the bottom of a buttered 13x9x2 pan. Scatter the cream cheese pieces over the bread. Then scatter the blueberries as evenly as you can over the cream cheese. Top with the remaining bread cubes.
*In a seperate bowl, combine the rest of the ingredients & whisk well. Pour the mixture slowly & evenly over the bread.
*Cover & refrigerate overnight. Can be made the same day & refrigerated for 2 hours before cooking, but I find it comes out best when chilled overnight.
*When ready to bake, preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cover & bake for 30 minutes, then uncover & finish baking for another 30 minutes until golden brown. Center should be firm to the touch.
*This can be served as is, sprinkled with some powder sugar, or with your favorite syrup.
I like it with Blueberry sauce, here is the recipe for that:
In a saucepan on top of the stove, on medium heat, combine 1 cup water, 1 cup sugar, 2 tablespoons cornstarch. Heat until this thickens. Then add 1 cup of blueberries, turn down & simmer for about 10 minutes until the berries burst. Take off heat, add 1tablespoon butter to berry sauce, stir well, & enjoy!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Mystery Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe
Here is the complete recipe. Thanks for playing along. This is kind of an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie, but because you ground the oats it is a completely different texture, I like them better this way!
2 1/4 cups All Purpose Flour
1 1/2 Teaspoons Baking Soda
1/2 Teaspoon Salt
1 Cup (2 sticks) Butter, Softened
3/4 Cup Granulated Sugar
1/4 Teaspoon Cinnamon
2 Teaspoons Vanilla Extract
2 Eggs
3/4 Cup firmly packed Brown Sugar
1 Teaspoon Lemon Juice
3 Cups Semi-sweet Chocolate Chips
1 1/2 Cups chopped Walnuts
1/2 Cup rolled Oats (Regular or quick )
*Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F. Either prepare 2 cookie sheets or cook in 2 batches. (if done in 2 batches, allow baking sheet to cool in between) For best results cover cookie sheet with parchment paper.
*Place oats in blender or food processor & process until finely ground. Then combine ground oats, flour, baking soda, salt, & cinnamon in a mixing bowl.
*In a seperate bowl, cream butter, sugars, vanilla, & lemon juice together using an electric mixer. Add eggs & beat until fluffy.
*Stir the flour mixture into egg mixture, stirring well until all ingredients are combined. Add the chocolate chips & nuts to the dough & mix well.
*Use 1/4 cup of dough per cookie, a regular size ice cream scoop leveled off works great. Place 2 1/2 inches apart on the prepared cookie sheet(s).
*Bake in preheated oven until cookies are lightly brown, about 16-18 minutes. Transfer onto a wire rack to cool. Cookies can be stored in a sealed container to keep them soft & chewy.
ENJOY!!
2 1/4 cups All Purpose Flour
1 1/2 Teaspoons Baking Soda
1/2 Teaspoon Salt
1 Cup (2 sticks) Butter, Softened
3/4 Cup Granulated Sugar
1/4 Teaspoon Cinnamon
2 Teaspoons Vanilla Extract
2 Eggs
3/4 Cup firmly packed Brown Sugar
1 Teaspoon Lemon Juice
3 Cups Semi-sweet Chocolate Chips
1 1/2 Cups chopped Walnuts
1/2 Cup rolled Oats (Regular or quick )
*Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F. Either prepare 2 cookie sheets or cook in 2 batches. (if done in 2 batches, allow baking sheet to cool in between) For best results cover cookie sheet with parchment paper.
*Place oats in blender or food processor & process until finely ground. Then combine ground oats, flour, baking soda, salt, & cinnamon in a mixing bowl.
*In a seperate bowl, cream butter, sugars, vanilla, & lemon juice together using an electric mixer. Add eggs & beat until fluffy.
*Stir the flour mixture into egg mixture, stirring well until all ingredients are combined. Add the chocolate chips & nuts to the dough & mix well.
*Use 1/4 cup of dough per cookie, a regular size ice cream scoop leveled off works great. Place 2 1/2 inches apart on the prepared cookie sheet(s).
*Bake in preheated oven until cookies are lightly brown, about 16-18 minutes. Transfer onto a wire rack to cool. Cookies can be stored in a sealed container to keep them soft & chewy.
ENJOY!!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Bad Blogger, no donut!
I have been a bad blogger! I'm not sure why I have been avoiding putting my thoughts in print. I do know that I have been in a fog. I barely decorated or celebrated Halloween, skipped over Thanksgiving at our house completely, & have been procrastinating getting out the Christmas decorations & tree. I just signed & sent out some Christmas cards yesterday. I usually have them ready to mail the day after Thanksgiving!
I have not just been putting off my blog. I have been putting off life in general. I was just getting into a place of mental health & well being about Kierra's death when Randy & Deb both died.. on the same day.. just 2 hours apart. Add in my accident & a few other stresses & I just shut down, shut out everything that required my personal energy or attention. I have been taking care of the kids & the minimum functions of every day life, but that's about it.
Hunter & I left the day before Thanksgiving & went to my parent's in Tennessee. Then we went to the horse ranch in Georgia. Hunter stayed a few days, then he went home (via Terri, Thank You!). I had a couple days alone, then Bri came up for the weekend. Last Sunday, the 6th, I came home. It was a much needed break. In some ways it recharged me, but not like it used to, or maybe this time my battery was just too low for a full recharge. But it was good for me. Thanks to Brian, Bri, Greta & Terri (& her gang!) for helping with the kids & making it possible for me to go at all!
Coming home I find I am different. Things have been different for Brian & I, so that is yet another change. I think it is all a part of the same issue. Life has been torn apart for us & we are still trying to mend the tears. It is an ongoing process. Then add more losses that shred us emotionally all over again. It can't be helped, there is nothing anyone can do. It is just the way our lives are now.
I know there has to be another side to all this. We are working on making some changes that will help us deal with it all a little differently. We are okay, just a bit tattered & tired. This time of year is always hard, and this year even more so than the years before. My ability to absorb it all & forge ahead full force has diminished. I have to accept that I am not the person I was before. I have to accept that I cannot fix anything for anyone else when I have my own damages to deal with. When even seemingly simple tasks overwhelm me it is time for me to step back & reorganize & prioritize what I do & how I do it.
Change is not, & never has been, easy for me. I have an auto defense mechanism that rebels against it. There were times I have been conflicted with myself over a change that was out of my control. I am learning to curb that. Trying to anyway!
So I am keeping more to myself while I sort it all out. I am keeping more to my home & family to give us the time we need to heal, to find what works for us. I am keeping more to my heart & less to my journals. That part wasn't intentional & hasn't necessarily been a good thing. I need to share, I need to let it out. So here I am, once again, spilling myself onto the printed page. Sorry for my absence, & for not having much good or positive to share. It is what it is, but I am working on that, I promise!
I have not just been putting off my blog. I have been putting off life in general. I was just getting into a place of mental health & well being about Kierra's death when Randy & Deb both died.. on the same day.. just 2 hours apart. Add in my accident & a few other stresses & I just shut down, shut out everything that required my personal energy or attention. I have been taking care of the kids & the minimum functions of every day life, but that's about it.
Hunter & I left the day before Thanksgiving & went to my parent's in Tennessee. Then we went to the horse ranch in Georgia. Hunter stayed a few days, then he went home (via Terri, Thank You!). I had a couple days alone, then Bri came up for the weekend. Last Sunday, the 6th, I came home. It was a much needed break. In some ways it recharged me, but not like it used to, or maybe this time my battery was just too low for a full recharge. But it was good for me. Thanks to Brian, Bri, Greta & Terri (& her gang!) for helping with the kids & making it possible for me to go at all!
Coming home I find I am different. Things have been different for Brian & I, so that is yet another change. I think it is all a part of the same issue. Life has been torn apart for us & we are still trying to mend the tears. It is an ongoing process. Then add more losses that shred us emotionally all over again. It can't be helped, there is nothing anyone can do. It is just the way our lives are now.
I know there has to be another side to all this. We are working on making some changes that will help us deal with it all a little differently. We are okay, just a bit tattered & tired. This time of year is always hard, and this year even more so than the years before. My ability to absorb it all & forge ahead full force has diminished. I have to accept that I am not the person I was before. I have to accept that I cannot fix anything for anyone else when I have my own damages to deal with. When even seemingly simple tasks overwhelm me it is time for me to step back & reorganize & prioritize what I do & how I do it.
Change is not, & never has been, easy for me. I have an auto defense mechanism that rebels against it. There were times I have been conflicted with myself over a change that was out of my control. I am learning to curb that. Trying to anyway!
So I am keeping more to myself while I sort it all out. I am keeping more to my home & family to give us the time we need to heal, to find what works for us. I am keeping more to my heart & less to my journals. That part wasn't intentional & hasn't necessarily been a good thing. I need to share, I need to let it out. So here I am, once again, spilling myself onto the printed page. Sorry for my absence, & for not having much good or positive to share. It is what it is, but I am working on that, I promise!
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Each Holiday has it's own month!
I find it amusing how many people don't understand why we don't do anything Christmas related until after Thanksgiving. I don't do Thanksgiving decorations until after Halloween either, but that doesn't seem like such a big deal.
Maybe part of it is having worked retail & being inundated with Christmas before Halloween even gets here. I always hated that! I was sick of Christmas way before it ever got here.
Fall used to be my favorite time of year. I prefer Halloween & Thanksgiving to Christmas. I hate how they are pushed aside for the commercialization of Christmas.
A big part of it was being born & raised for part of my childhood near Plymouth, Massachusetts. I grew up running around the Plymouth Rock on Saturdays when we went into town. Plymouth Plantation was just another part of where I lived, nothing special. I didn't realize until we moved away what an integral part of American history it all was. I refuse to trivialize it by skipping over the day that memorializes that part of our past.
When we lived over in England it was odd to celebrate something that they considered a traitorous act. The Pilgrims fled England for a New World. That doesn't go over so well when you are an American living in England, even now! Our first Thanksgiving over there was not long after we arrived. I baked pumpkin pies & we drove over to Scott & Suzy's an hour or so away. Brian missed our turn so he went up over a median to get there. The pies were up in the back window & flipped over into the back seat.. needless to say, no more pies! We stopped at a British bakery hoping to get a replacement pie of some sort. The only option was what they called a treacle tart. It is a "syrup" pie. Thick, gooey, syrup pie! I almost tend to think they had that just for the local Americans they knew were celebrating Thanksgiving!
So even though this month holds the darkest day of our lives, it also holds a day I grew up appreciating as the day we give thanks. I am trying to go back to that, the celebrating & the being thankful. Bit by bit, piece by piece.
Maybe part of it is having worked retail & being inundated with Christmas before Halloween even gets here. I always hated that! I was sick of Christmas way before it ever got here.
Fall used to be my favorite time of year. I prefer Halloween & Thanksgiving to Christmas. I hate how they are pushed aside for the commercialization of Christmas.
A big part of it was being born & raised for part of my childhood near Plymouth, Massachusetts. I grew up running around the Plymouth Rock on Saturdays when we went into town. Plymouth Plantation was just another part of where I lived, nothing special. I didn't realize until we moved away what an integral part of American history it all was. I refuse to trivialize it by skipping over the day that memorializes that part of our past.
When we lived over in England it was odd to celebrate something that they considered a traitorous act. The Pilgrims fled England for a New World. That doesn't go over so well when you are an American living in England, even now! Our first Thanksgiving over there was not long after we arrived. I baked pumpkin pies & we drove over to Scott & Suzy's an hour or so away. Brian missed our turn so he went up over a median to get there. The pies were up in the back window & flipped over into the back seat.. needless to say, no more pies! We stopped at a British bakery hoping to get a replacement pie of some sort. The only option was what they called a treacle tart. It is a "syrup" pie. Thick, gooey, syrup pie! I almost tend to think they had that just for the local Americans they knew were celebrating Thanksgiving!
So even though this month holds the darkest day of our lives, it also holds a day I grew up appreciating as the day we give thanks. I am trying to go back to that, the celebrating & the being thankful. Bit by bit, piece by piece.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Where's my storm cellar?!
I can't seem to get ahead of this giant tornado that life has become lately. I get sucked into the vortex, everything gets trashed, & I am left standing in the rubble at the end of the day. There are good things going on, life is not all doom & gloom, but there are times it just really sucks!
Hunter is doing great at school. He is building confidence & study skills while this part of repeating 2nd grade is like a refresher course for him. I am hoping it will get him over the hump the 2nd part of the year when it is more challenging for him. He has a great teacher this year too, which makes a huge difference over last year! Hard to believe he will be 9 years old next month! He has lost 2 teeth the past week, both of his front teeth! Yes he is singing "all I want for Christmas is my 2 front teeth"!
Tristan is having more of a challenge with Kindergarten. He seems to be pushing his limits & testing the boundaries. He is being evaluated for hyperactivity. I know he is a boy, but his behaviors go way beyond the norm. His teachers & resource counselors at school are concerned & think it would benefit to have him evaluated & seen by Hunter's Dr. I agree. It is affecting him academically. He is very smart, he just can't control his impulses long enough to get anything done on paper.
Alexa is doing very well. Thank goodness! She has her moments of attitude & mood, but overall is an easygoing 5 year old. She has been into singing anything & everything lately. She sings about what she is doing, what the boys or the dogs are doing.. whatever pops in her head comes out in a sing song voice. Way out of tune & way off key, but she sings with her heart & soul!
Brianne's best friend lost her mother last weekend. The funeral was yesterday. It was hard to do, but I went to the viewing on Tuesday & the funeral as well. Amanda has been part of our family since right about the time we moved here. It is a tragic & senseless loss. Death has been way too busy in our lives. I am ready for it to move along!
Greta is having some health concerns. She is spending a few days in the hospital to get a complete battery of tests & work ups done to get some real answers about what is going on with her. She has not been well for quite a while but was so consumed caring for Randy that it wasn't a priority for her. She promised him she would take better care of herself & get things taken care of & now he is taking her at her word!!
I am trying to plan a getaway up to the horse ranch in December but will have to see what is going on & see what I can to do get the kids covered. I sure could use the recharge! They are giving me a free stay as a trade/thank you for giving them Reese, our Percheron-Paint Filly. She is doing great & I am glad to know she has such a great home.
Hunter is doing great at school. He is building confidence & study skills while this part of repeating 2nd grade is like a refresher course for him. I am hoping it will get him over the hump the 2nd part of the year when it is more challenging for him. He has a great teacher this year too, which makes a huge difference over last year! Hard to believe he will be 9 years old next month! He has lost 2 teeth the past week, both of his front teeth! Yes he is singing "all I want for Christmas is my 2 front teeth"!
Tristan is having more of a challenge with Kindergarten. He seems to be pushing his limits & testing the boundaries. He is being evaluated for hyperactivity. I know he is a boy, but his behaviors go way beyond the norm. His teachers & resource counselors at school are concerned & think it would benefit to have him evaluated & seen by Hunter's Dr. I agree. It is affecting him academically. He is very smart, he just can't control his impulses long enough to get anything done on paper.
Alexa is doing very well. Thank goodness! She has her moments of attitude & mood, but overall is an easygoing 5 year old. She has been into singing anything & everything lately. She sings about what she is doing, what the boys or the dogs are doing.. whatever pops in her head comes out in a sing song voice. Way out of tune & way off key, but she sings with her heart & soul!
Brianne's best friend lost her mother last weekend. The funeral was yesterday. It was hard to do, but I went to the viewing on Tuesday & the funeral as well. Amanda has been part of our family since right about the time we moved here. It is a tragic & senseless loss. Death has been way too busy in our lives. I am ready for it to move along!
Greta is having some health concerns. She is spending a few days in the hospital to get a complete battery of tests & work ups done to get some real answers about what is going on with her. She has not been well for quite a while but was so consumed caring for Randy that it wasn't a priority for her. She promised him she would take better care of herself & get things taken care of & now he is taking her at her word!!
I am trying to plan a getaway up to the horse ranch in December but will have to see what is going on & see what I can to do get the kids covered. I sure could use the recharge! They are giving me a free stay as a trade/thank you for giving them Reese, our Percheron-Paint Filly. She is doing great & I am glad to know she has such a great home.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Lemon Lush
Crust ingredients;
1-1/2 sticks margarine (softened)
1 cup Flour
1 cup chopped nuts (I use walnuts)
Layer 1 ingredients;
1- 8oz. Cream Cheese
1 Cup Powdered Sugar
1-1/2 cups Cool Whip (buy large container, need more for top layer)
Layer 2 ingredients;
3 boxes instant Lemon Pudding
2-2/3 cups milk
1 Teaspoon Lemon Extract (can use Vanilla instead)
*Mix first 3 ingredients for crust. Pat firmly into 11x8x2 pan. Bake for 20 minutes in a preheated 350 degree oven. Let cool.
*Mix next 3 ingredients for layer 1 & spread over the baked & cooled layer.
*Mix the ingredients for layer 2 ( It will become very thick) & spread over the top of layer 1.
* Spread the rest of the Cool Whip over the top. You can sprinkle with more chopped nuts if you like. Cut into squares & enjoy!
This recipe can be varied by using any flavor instant pudding you like & using the vanilla instead of lemon extract. It is a rich dessert, so smaller squares are better. A huge favorite!
I got this recipe from my friend, Sher Carlson when we were stationed at Plattsburgh Air Force Base in upstate New York. We were there June 1987-October 1990. Great friends, great memories, great food!
1-1/2 sticks margarine (softened)
1 cup Flour
1 cup chopped nuts (I use walnuts)
Layer 1 ingredients;
1- 8oz. Cream Cheese
1 Cup Powdered Sugar
1-1/2 cups Cool Whip (buy large container, need more for top layer)
Layer 2 ingredients;
3 boxes instant Lemon Pudding
2-2/3 cups milk
1 Teaspoon Lemon Extract (can use Vanilla instead)
*Mix first 3 ingredients for crust. Pat firmly into 11x8x2 pan. Bake for 20 minutes in a preheated 350 degree oven. Let cool.
*Mix next 3 ingredients for layer 1 & spread over the baked & cooled layer.
*Mix the ingredients for layer 2 ( It will become very thick) & spread over the top of layer 1.
* Spread the rest of the Cool Whip over the top. You can sprinkle with more chopped nuts if you like. Cut into squares & enjoy!
This recipe can be varied by using any flavor instant pudding you like & using the vanilla instead of lemon extract. It is a rich dessert, so smaller squares are better. A huge favorite!
I got this recipe from my friend, Sher Carlson when we were stationed at Plattsburgh Air Force Base in upstate New York. We were there June 1987-October 1990. Great friends, great memories, great food!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Rigatoni with Pumpkin & Bacon
Ingredients;
Coarse salt
8 slices bacon, coarsely chopped
1 medium onion, halved & thinly sliced
1 (3lb) cooking pumpkin, peeled, seeded, & cut into 3/4 inch cubes
1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh sage
1/4 teaspoon allspice
1-1/2 cups chicken stock/broth
3 tablespoons heavy cream
freshly ground pepper ( I use white pepper)
1 pound Rigatoni pasta
1/2 cup finely grated parmesan cheese (plus extra to sprinkle on top when serving)
2 tablespoons pumpkin seeds, toasted (for garnish, optional)
1.) Put water on to boil for pasta, add salt. While that is coming to a boil cook bacon in a large skillet on medium heat until bacon is almost crisp, about 5 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer bacon to a plate lined with paper towels & let drain.
2.) Add onion to the skillet with the bacon grease. Cook until soft, 12-15 minutes. Add pumpkin, sage, 1/2 teaspoon salt, & the allspice. Cook, stirring occasionally about 5 minutes. Add stock & cream; bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low & simmer until pumpkin is soft & sauce has thickened slightly, about 25 minutes. Season with Pepper.
3.) While the sauce is simmering, add rigatoni to the boiling water & cook until aldente. (about 15 minutes) Drain pasta & add to sauce in skillet. Add the bacon back in & the parmesan. Toss to combine all ingredients. Serve with parmesan sprinkled on top. You may also garnish with toasted pumpkin seeds.
Makes about 4 servings.
Coarse salt
8 slices bacon, coarsely chopped
1 medium onion, halved & thinly sliced
1 (3lb) cooking pumpkin, peeled, seeded, & cut into 3/4 inch cubes
1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh sage
1/4 teaspoon allspice
1-1/2 cups chicken stock/broth
3 tablespoons heavy cream
freshly ground pepper ( I use white pepper)
1 pound Rigatoni pasta
1/2 cup finely grated parmesan cheese (plus extra to sprinkle on top when serving)
2 tablespoons pumpkin seeds, toasted (for garnish, optional)
1.) Put water on to boil for pasta, add salt. While that is coming to a boil cook bacon in a large skillet on medium heat until bacon is almost crisp, about 5 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer bacon to a plate lined with paper towels & let drain.
2.) Add onion to the skillet with the bacon grease. Cook until soft, 12-15 minutes. Add pumpkin, sage, 1/2 teaspoon salt, & the allspice. Cook, stirring occasionally about 5 minutes. Add stock & cream; bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low & simmer until pumpkin is soft & sauce has thickened slightly, about 25 minutes. Season with Pepper.
3.) While the sauce is simmering, add rigatoni to the boiling water & cook until aldente. (about 15 minutes) Drain pasta & add to sauce in skillet. Add the bacon back in & the parmesan. Toss to combine all ingredients. Serve with parmesan sprinkled on top. You may also garnish with toasted pumpkin seeds.
Makes about 4 servings.
A Very Merry "Unbirthday"!
I'm backtracking a little, but wanted to share my birthday with ya'll. I have made a point of not celebrating my birthday since Kierra's death. It felt like a betrayal to celebrate without her. And wether rational or not, it felt wrong to have a birthday when she never will again. So that is my reasoning, good, bad, or indifferent. Brianne always gives me my card & gift ahead of time as an "unbirthday" thing.
This year I had a free pass to Disney for the day & Brian had a day left on his Disney pass from when we went in June. Brianne watched the kids so we could go overnight. I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday as much as I wanted to use it as an excuse to get Brian to spend some time with me! I was able to get a discounted room for the night so Brian & I went Saturday, checked in early, then went park hopping! We went to Animal Kingdom, rode on the Mount Everest Expedition, then left the park to go to the next one. Brian joked we were like Pandas.. Eats.. Shoots.. & Leaves, which is the tagline for an old joke I can't remember! So we "did the Panda" all day, rode all the grown up rides that we can't ride with the kids & off to the next park. There were a couple neither one of us had even been on before. When we rode Mission Space at Epcot Brian made jokes about it because I got to be the pilot & we crashlanded! He was more carefree & humorous than he has been in along time. On the trolley to one of the parks they tell you to please hold on to any "loose" belongings & he wrapped his arms around me. I didn't get what he was doing at first, then I playfully smacked him for being a smartalek!
We really enjoyed the one on one time. We talked about alot of things we don't seem to get to in our day to day lives. It was funny to notice the "texting teenagers" in the lines while we waited. There were 4 girls in front of us in one line who were texting to, & about, each other! Times sure have changed.
There were bittersweet moments too. Alexa had me wear her birthday girl pin & because I promised her I would, I wore it all day. So alot of people told me "Happy" Birthday. It was happier than previous ones in recent years, but it was still hard to be told that because it wasn't all happy. There were tearful moments too. It is not possible to go to places we went to with Kierra & not think of her, not remember how much she loved the thrilling roller coasters & rides, how she laughed out loud with a huge smile on her face. She didn't do anything halfway. But we cherish those memories & push the pain back just a bit further than we used to. It still comes, we still feel it, but you learn to take it in & channel it differently. You learn to catch yourself before the floodgates of tears open wide so it doesn't happen every time.
It was a hot day, we drank alot of water. At one stand I was digging through the ice looking for something cold when I came accross a giant pickle. The kids have always loved those so of course it reminded me of how much Kie loved them too. We bought it & shared it & really enjoyed it! It was ice cold & refreshing. It can be the littlest things sometimes that catch your heart off guard.
The parks weren't very busy & we didn't have many long lines. We hit all 4 parks & the only ride we missed was Space Mountain because it is still under renovation til November.
My birthday tends to be my starting point for the fall series of events that run through until the twin's birthday in February. Halloween, Anniversary of Kierra's death, Thanksgiving, Hunter's birthday, Christmas, New Year's, then the Twin's b-day Feb. 4th. I am not sure how we will handle all of that this year. I am not sure what kind of celebrations or memorials there will be. We will take them one at a time. It is good to be able to allow myself to celebrate & enjoy my birthday again. Maybe next year it won't have to be an "unbirthday", although I think it is a cute tradition for Bri & I to share now!
This year I had a free pass to Disney for the day & Brian had a day left on his Disney pass from when we went in June. Brianne watched the kids so we could go overnight. I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday as much as I wanted to use it as an excuse to get Brian to spend some time with me! I was able to get a discounted room for the night so Brian & I went Saturday, checked in early, then went park hopping! We went to Animal Kingdom, rode on the Mount Everest Expedition, then left the park to go to the next one. Brian joked we were like Pandas.. Eats.. Shoots.. & Leaves, which is the tagline for an old joke I can't remember! So we "did the Panda" all day, rode all the grown up rides that we can't ride with the kids & off to the next park. There were a couple neither one of us had even been on before. When we rode Mission Space at Epcot Brian made jokes about it because I got to be the pilot & we crashlanded! He was more carefree & humorous than he has been in along time. On the trolley to one of the parks they tell you to please hold on to any "loose" belongings & he wrapped his arms around me. I didn't get what he was doing at first, then I playfully smacked him for being a smartalek!
We really enjoyed the one on one time. We talked about alot of things we don't seem to get to in our day to day lives. It was funny to notice the "texting teenagers" in the lines while we waited. There were 4 girls in front of us in one line who were texting to, & about, each other! Times sure have changed.
There were bittersweet moments too. Alexa had me wear her birthday girl pin & because I promised her I would, I wore it all day. So alot of people told me "Happy" Birthday. It was happier than previous ones in recent years, but it was still hard to be told that because it wasn't all happy. There were tearful moments too. It is not possible to go to places we went to with Kierra & not think of her, not remember how much she loved the thrilling roller coasters & rides, how she laughed out loud with a huge smile on her face. She didn't do anything halfway. But we cherish those memories & push the pain back just a bit further than we used to. It still comes, we still feel it, but you learn to take it in & channel it differently. You learn to catch yourself before the floodgates of tears open wide so it doesn't happen every time.
It was a hot day, we drank alot of water. At one stand I was digging through the ice looking for something cold when I came accross a giant pickle. The kids have always loved those so of course it reminded me of how much Kie loved them too. We bought it & shared it & really enjoyed it! It was ice cold & refreshing. It can be the littlest things sometimes that catch your heart off guard.
The parks weren't very busy & we didn't have many long lines. We hit all 4 parks & the only ride we missed was Space Mountain because it is still under renovation til November.
My birthday tends to be my starting point for the fall series of events that run through until the twin's birthday in February. Halloween, Anniversary of Kierra's death, Thanksgiving, Hunter's birthday, Christmas, New Year's, then the Twin's b-day Feb. 4th. I am not sure how we will handle all of that this year. I am not sure what kind of celebrations or memorials there will be. We will take them one at a time. It is good to be able to allow myself to celebrate & enjoy my birthday again. Maybe next year it won't have to be an "unbirthday", although I think it is a cute tradition for Bri & I to share now!
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