It's 3 am.. Do You Know Where YOU Are?

I am here..exactly where "here" is at this point in my life I am not so sure! I am sure that it is not anywhere I ever planned it to be. No laughing.. I went to my first PTA meeting tonight. Yes, Hunter is my 4th child, but No, I never went to anything PTA before. Maybe it was the old song Harper Valley PTA, or maybe I felt too far out of the "normal" box to be part of the PTA before. OK, stop giggling & snorting.. no, I do not consider myself anywhere near the "normal" box now either. So maybe it is a desperate attempt to look normal? I have no idea. I am doing alot of things I never thought I would be doing, so what's one more?! I can't seem to find a comfortable fit with anything I do, but will keep trudging on and see where it takes me. Blind faith? You Betcha. Because even the best laid plans most often get shot all to hell.

I was cooking a meal for a JACKPOTT family tonight when Brian got home from work at about 1:30 am. I will deliver it tomorrow morning along with some bread, salad, & dessert. It motivated me to cook for us too. No one else had stepped up to help this family in need and I just felt like it was the right thing to do. But is it truly an altruistic act? Honestly.. no. I know if I inundate myself with things to do, especially for others (because that is more of a committment and I have to follow through), then I have less time to think, or to feel. I exhaust myself emotionally. Well, I try to. As you can see it is after 3 am EST and I am still up and at it. But there is so much I can't control (another issue for me!) and so much I feel isn't productive or doesn't give me a sense of worth, so I fill my life up with more & more to do. Yet I still feel like I don't do enough. I'm running a Hamster Wheel Marathon. I know what I am doing.. and deep down I know why.. knowing doesn't mean I can make myself do anything to change it.. and would I? No, not really.. because either way I would be right back where I am..right here.. wherever "here" is..

Mada Lynn Caudle 4.16.88-8.23.03

My friend Nancy, who I have known since sometime in Middle school, gave birth to Mada April 16, 1988. I took a trip to visit them that summer in Indiana. Mada was born with a multitude of physical problems, but she was born with the purest and most perfect heart. She taught us all so much about life, and love, and faith. Even knowing she was leaving all of us here.. she gave all her strength in planning her own funeral, picking out her favorite songs, and telling us all not to cry. She was ready to go, to run free in heaven. She was ready to meet her God and leave her frail, physical body here. I envy her faith. Mada was a doer.. she dreamed of swimming with dolphins, and the summer before her death she did that with her Mom, her brother, and her sister. She dreamed of meeting Cher, and she did that...she even gave Cher a gift... a bible.. Cher thanked Mada and told her she didn't have one of those! But that is so like Mada, to have no qualms or fears to take on something she believed in. Terri & I went with Nancy to Indiana. We managed to get there before Mada died and we got to say our goodbyes. I have to admit I cried. I read Mada a book about Haven and brushed her hair. I tried to be strong for her, but my selfish tears won out. Nancy, Terri, & I drove home. It was a chance to decompress form the 3 days worth of wakes and funeral services. On the trip back was when Kierra called me and told me she was having twins. We stopped in Pigeon Forge and hit the outlet stores just before they closed for some shopping therapy. The emotional rollercoaster of the grief of death, yet the celebration of newborn life was a hard ride. I am sure Mada was smiling down on us ( well maybe scolding me too!) as I said "oh Shit!" about a dozen times when Kie said there were 2 babies coming. Nancy & I have shared a lot in our lives, traveled some of the same roads, tho not always at the same time. We never wanted to share this, the loss of a child, never wanted the other to feel this kind of pain. I thought I could understand when Mada died, how torn Nancy's heart was.. but I didn't, couldn't have known the depths of it until Kierra's death. It has been 3 years since that trip to Indiana. I Can Only Imagine was one of the songs played at Mada's funeral service. I don't hear it often.. but I changed my radio station the day Kierra died, before I knew... 3 times, and each time that song came on within a minute of me changing it.. Mada always did make herself heard, even when no one wanted to listen....

The Chad is Great!

That is a line from a movie and part of a comment a friend of mine left on one of my blog entries.. very cute! But today he was great. And he is alot of the time. Last week when Hunter was first having problems at school, Chad took time and talked to him.. Hunter was so thrilled because Chad gave him a real hug! (Chad does not hug often!) Today was a long & somewhat stressful day for me. Hunter is still having problems and there doesn't seem to be much improvement. My Dr. says to avoid stress! HaHaHa! When Hunter & I got home Chad took over.. he took all Hunter's playtime stuff & TV out of his room for me, (which he will get back when his behavior improves) and he ordered pizza for dinner and helped with the kids. (Hunter did not get Pizza!) I wonder if Chad will ever want his own children? He says NO!

Chad with Tristan & Kierra Dec. 2004

Chad with Tristan & Kierra
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Four Kids Aug. 22, 2004

Four Kids Aug. 22, 2004
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Chad 18 years, Hunter 4 years, Kierra 23 years, Brianne 20 years old. One of my favorites of the four of them. I will post some more as I come accross them & scan them.

Brianne & Chad Dec. 2001

Brianne & Chad Dec. 2001
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Chad at 15 years old.. with Brianne who was 17 years old.. both still kids at heart!

Chad August 1994

Chad 1994
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

8 years old. We lived in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I think this was one of the few times I ever saw him with a football. He played soccer in England, but never seemed interested in sports once we got back stateside. Gosh, this seems like yesterday! He is 20 years old now! Of course he felt the need to age me a little more the other day when he reminded me that by the time the twins are 18, he will be almost 36 years old!! I can't think that far ahead..

Chad in Tux 1991

Chad in Tux 1991
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Such a little man! I had dressed the three kids up when we lived in Swaffham, England to take pictures to send back home. Note that he is barefoot.. he hated dressing up! But he did it for me, (and a few candy bribes!) He was about 5 years old here.

Happy Birthday to my Baby Boy!

Chad Newborn
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

August 21, 1986 at 12:00pm (Noon) on a bright and sunny Thursday, Chad Louis Shore was born. 6 lbs 15 oz 20 3/4 inches long. He was our miracle baby in that we still aren't sure how he was conceived through 3 different forms of birth control! And no, there was never an opportunity for an oops! But we were blessed with our beautiful baby boy after only 15 minutes of contractions and no stitches. Actually I had more contractions than that, but I had walked so much during my pregnancy my muscles were so toned that I only felt the last 15 minutes. He was supposed to be Brent Louis, but we both looked at him and didn't see "Brent". Friends of ours had a son the same week Brianne was born and they named him Chad, so we called them and asked if they wouldn't mind us naming our son Chad. They thought it was great, and so he was named Chad! His face is scratched up in this picture because he kept taking his little mittens off. He was stubborn even then!

If That's What It Takes..

I have been bitching for weeks now about Brian not being able to transfer to day shift. Now he is working Mandatory Overtime. I am having a hard time not interfering (surprise, surprise!). I feel so useless while he busts his ass to provide for all of us. I was listening to my Celine Dion "Falling Into You" CD to day and this song really says it all from me to Brian.. I Love You Baby..

You're the bravest of hearts, you're the strongest of souls

You're my light in the dark, youre the place I call home

You can say its all right, but I know that you're breaking up inside

I see it in your eyes

Even you face the night afraid and alone

Thats why I'll be there

When the storm rises up, when the shadows descend

Every beat of my heart, every day without end

Every second I live, that's the promise I make

Baby, that's what I'll give, if thats what it takes

If that's what it takes

You can sleep in my arms, you dont have to explain

When your heart's crying out, baby, whisper my name

Cause I've reached out for you when the thunder is crashing up above

Youve given me your love

When your smile like the sun that shines through the pain

Thats why I'll be there

When the storm rises up, when the shadows descend

Every beat of my heart, every day without end

I will stand like a rock, I will bend till I break

Till there's no more to give, if that's what it takes

I will risk everything, I will fight, I will bleed

I will lay down my life, if that's what you need

Every second I live, that's the promise I make

Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes

Through the wind and the rain, through the smoke and the fire

When the fear rises up, when the waves ever higher

I will lay down my heart, my body, my soul

I will hold on all night and never let go

Every second I live, that's the promise I make

Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes

If that's what it takes

Every day..If that's what it takes

Tristan 8 18 06

Tristan 8 18 06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

The silent partner in crime.. the first to tattle, and the first to run when they get caught!

Alexa 8 18 06

Alexa 8 18 06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Another sweet face that can be, oh so, deceiving! She has become my "organic" artist.. last night it took me 30 minutes to clean her "artwork" off her bed & wall from what she had in her diaper when she took it off!

Hunter 8 18 06

Hunter 8 18 06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Hunter with his new glasses. How could that sweet face be driving me so crazy lately?!

At My Wit's End!

I have tried everything I can think of, everything the therapist has thought of, everything his teacher has thought of, everything the principal has thought of... and I don't know what else to do. Hunter is not doing well in school. Honestly that is putting it mildly. His teacher considered the first week getting adjusted. She sent home a progress report Monday that had 6 sad faces, 3 neutral faces, and 1 happy face. Hunter & I talked about it, I made up some daily progress sheets and we decided tomorrow was going to be a better day.. but it wasn't, it was worse, and so was the next day, and the next! I got called to the school today because he refused to do his work and was disrupting the entire class. I talked to him, went to lunch and talked to him some more, then after lunch we went and talked to the guidance counselor and then the principal. He agreed to make better choices and instead of trying for a whole day of listening and doing his work, we would try for just the hour and a half left of school. Again he chose to be a brat. I am trying to be consistent. He has lost all TV and pool priveleges until we get a good report from school. He had to get 2 days good report to go to 2 birthday parties that he was invited to this weekend. He will not be going. I have gone down the list of all the behavior options, and the ways to motivate better behavior. We start every morning as a new day, we stay positive and let him know we know he can do it. I was on the verge of tears today when I picked him up because I don't know what else to do. We will stick with what the therapist reccomends and hopefully next week will be better. I am at my wit's end!!

My Left Foot..

Foot Diagram
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

My intermediate cuneiform bone that they thought had a stress fracture either has healed, or wasn't as bad as they thought. My bone scan showed that bone is fine.. my Cuboid bone however, is fractured. I have been taking the correct precautions for the cuneiform bone to heal, but those same precautions,(how I walk on that foot..) have only worsened the problem with the cuboid bone. I am now in my fracture boot 24/7, even while I sleep. If that doesn't show improvement in 2 weeks I may be forced into a hard cast, which I have avoided so far. Just giving the twins a bath gets me soaked, a cast is not an option! Wish me luck, say a few prayers.. whatever works!

The Woman in the Mirror..

Tonight Greta ( my sister) and I went shopping. We are going on a cruise with our husbands, our Uncle, and our sister, Robyn, and a group of people we know from Tennessee, the first week of October. We were just going to look. (yea, right!) David's Bridal was having a big sale. We tried some on at the Regency store, then headed to the Avenues store. I found an absolutely gorgeous deep dusty rose colored dress with a wrap. Embossed Jacquard, with beads scattered throughout. Scarfy draped bottom. V-neck sleeveless with a matching wrap. Well, this "me" dress didn't fit me, and looked dynamite on Greta ( the Beeotch! And then at check out it was on sale for even less than we thought!) Then I tried a dress she had picked out, not a dress I would typically think of for myself. Sleeveless V-neck black lace cocktail dress with black and blue beads all over.
Very Classic. I went out of the fitting room to look in the mirror... who was that woman? I didn't look like myself. I didn't look like a Mom, or a Nana, I looked like a woman in a beautiful dress. I even kept it on for a few minutes and couldn't get over the difference. I have alot of pretty dresses. But this one is different, at least I felt different in it. Despite my telling her not to, Greta got me the dress, she said I had to have it. And I have to admit I am getting excited about the cruise. I am looking forward to wearing that dress. And maybe getting to know that woman in the mirror..

Sick & Tired..

Not from the normal things I am sick & tired of, but really sick.. nasty headache to the point of making me physically ill during the night and this morning. Down to a dull roar now, but has left me wiped out and exhausted. I had to wake Brian up to take Hunter to school, I could barely function. When I bent down to change the twins diapers when they woke up, I was in tears it hurt so bad. Lexie touched my face and asked.. "why cryin?" I told her my head hurt and she rubbed it for me. Then they dragged their pillows and blankets out to the living room and we all laid quietly and watched their morning shows. They don't usually do that. It was a big help to not having them run all over being loud with their toys and demanding my attention.

Then I went to the chiropractor and he adjusted my neck and back. It seems to have helped. I picked Hunter up from school. His teacher didn't look very happy and asked if she could call me to talk. I asked Hunter how his day was and he said "not so good." He had a progress report in his bag.. 6 sad faces, 3 neutral faces, and 1 happy face. He has been loud and disruptive in class and when walking to and from other classes and lunch. He isn't listening when asked to calm or quiet down. He won't settle down and do his work. So now he will be on daily progress reports, no tv or pool time, and we had a long talk with his Karate teacher as well since he had karate today. Maybe with some teamwork and motivation we can turn him back around. He has had these types of behavior for the last couple months, but had been working on it at home. I had hoped school would help. It definitely didn't help my mood today. So he and I have agreed tomorrow will be a better day... God, I hope so!

Bri 1st Birthday

Bri 1st Birthday
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

One of my favorites! Happy 22nd Birthday today Brianne!

Bri 3 mo

Bri 3 mo
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Wasn't she adorable?!

She's a Butterfly (by Martina McBride)

This was a song I heard and played for Brianne several months ago after I heard her sing at church..my baby girl is grown up, and is spreading her wings more every day, showing all her beautiful colors as she flys..

She remembers when she first got her wings

And how she opened up that day she learned to sing

Then the colors came, erased the black and white

And her whole world changed when she realized

She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky

Nothing's ever gonna bring her down

And everywhere she goes

Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive

She's a butterfly

Like the purest light in a darkened world

So much hope inside such a lovely girl

You should see her fly, it's almost magical

It makes you wanna cry, she's so beautiful

God bless the butterfly, give her the strength to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

God bless the butterfly, give her strength to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

God bless the butterfly, give her the strength to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

God bless the butterfly, give her the strenght to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

Baby Mine..

Baby mine, don't you cry.

Baby mine, dry your eyes.

Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine.

Little one, when you play, pay no heed what they say.

Let your eyes sparkle and shine, never a tear, baby of mine.

If they knew all about you, they'd end up loving you, too.

All those same people who scold you,

what they'd give just for the right to hold you.

From your hair down to your toes, you're not much, goodness knows.

But, you're so precious to me, sweet as can be, baby of mine.

This song was from Brianne's first Ballet recital when she was about 5 years old. The she used it again for the Father Daughter dance at her wedding. It always represented her child hood. Born at 7:41 am on August 13th 1984 in Cheyenne, Wyoming. She was wished for, and waited for long before we found out we were expecting her just before Christmas of '83. She weighed 6 lbs 14 oz and was 21 inches long. We picked her name off a TV movie, and it wasn't until years later someone said how nice it was we named her after Brian, since Brianne is the feminine form of his name. Cool Coincidence? Fate? She has grown up to be a remarkable young woman. We are very proud of her. Not so much a child anymore, but always our little girl..our Baby Mine..

Lawrence Welk

I was just visiting Elaine's blog..Kalilily Time: no Lawrence Welk world and was reminded of a different time & place in my life. The immediate response was of Saturday nights with my Nana at 6pm. Lawrence Welk time. Such an idealic world it was for me. Then I question myself.. was it really?? At Nana's it was, but at home my life was not what it always appeared to be. It was a fearful, painful existence that was hidden in the dark corners where no one looked and no one saw. But I grew up and I survived. And I do have good memories that push away the bad.

So I wonder if that is how it will be with my grief.. I do have many good memories, and this pain isn't from bad memories, but from the loss, the void created by Kierra's death. I won't be growing "up" just growing old! And I will/ am surviving. My life is far from Idealic, but is also far from the depths it has been.

I used to sing the Lawrence Welk farewell song to all the kids at bedtime, so on that note.. "Good Night, Sleep Tight, and Pleasant Dreams to You.. With a Wish, and a Prayer, That all Your Dreams Come True. And Now til We Meet Again.. Adios, Au Revior, Auf Wiedersehen.. Good Night!"

Max with his new toy!

Max 8 3 06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Max.. aka Rocki ( his new name! He already answers to it!) Isn't he adorable! His new life with Brenda definitely agrees with him.. he is sooo spoiled, which is exactly what I wanted for him. He came along way from 3.5 oz! He weighed almost 8 lbs when he got neutered last week! (yup, he is now Rocki, without the rocks!)

A Few More for Thought..

"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is about." Angela Schwindt

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"Three grand esentials to happiness in this life are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." Joseph Addison

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"Friendship begins when even without words we understand how someone feels." Joan Walsh Anglund

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"Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you." H. Jackson Brown Jr.

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"Everything has it's wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content." Helen Keller

Quote from Margaret Mitchell

"LIFE IS UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO GIVE US WHAT WE EXPECT"

On a lighter note..

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

The Journey..

I wrote this for my sister, Greta, a few years ago. I have thought about it alot lately. At the time she was going through alot and this came to me in a dream about her. So it is with a bit of Deja Vu that I see myself on this journey now..

THE JOURNEY

I take this journey with uncertain steps,

though sometimes I just want to run!

Never too sure which way to turn,

or where I'll end up when it's done.

_____________________________

I look back thinking we've come so far,

yet the road ahead looks longer.

At times it seems too far to go,

& I wish I were a little younger!

_________________________

Too often I feel I am on my own,

and the weight I carry too great.

Or everyone else is so far ahead,

they can't hear my call to "wait!"

_______________________

How much farther must I go?

Does it matter my body aches?

This can't be the journey meant for me,

it must be some mistake.

_____________________________

Yet in the quiet that comes with night,

when all is said and done,

this journey is what I make of it,

almost over, or just begun..

___________

mjs 9/22/02

Slamogram!

You would think with all the advances of modern medicine there would be a new technique for Mammograms. My friend Dori calls them slamograms.. how apropo! I had mine today.. whoopee! At least my technician was a woman. If I am going to have my breasts pushed, pulled and squished while being an upper body contortionist, in a cold, medical setting.. I would prefer it to be done by a woman! At least they have some compassion! If a man is doing all that it better be my husband!

A Bit Disappointed..

I spent the day busily getting ready for a JACKPOTT meeting tonight. That is Jacksonville Parents of Twins & Triplets. I had sent out an e-mail asking for help to do a kind of bake sale at our meeting tonight to help out one of our families with a football team they have taken on this year so their kids could play ball. I was very suprised at the lack of response I got. There were 3 other people beside myself who brought something. I explained what it was for and how I had gotten invoved with JACKPOTT because I thought it a great chance to help each other out and give something back. We would have pooled more money if we just gave them the cash we spent for what we brought! The Mom I was trying ot help has done alot for the club and I was just a bit disappointed by the lack of interest. We almost had more prospective members than our actual members at the meeting. I notice the same ones are always the "givers", willing to do for others and help out when needed. Are my expectations too high? Is it wrong to expect the same level of effort that I bring to it from the others? I do tend to do that sometimes. I am glad for the ones who are so generous with themselves and their time. I am just a bit disappointed in the rest.

Sometimes Crazy!

Hunter made a comment the other day that I had forgotten about until my mind was jogged by another blogger. He told me he doesn't want to be a Mom when he grows up. I told him that was okay because he was a boy which would make him a Dad when he grows up, gets married , and has children..hopefully in that order! He said that was good because being a Mom was too much work and it made you tired, grumpy, and sometimes crazy! Out of the mouths of babes!

Today was another busy day and I am beat. I guess that covers the tired and grumpy part. And it is good to know he thinks I am only sometimes crazy!

What a nice suprise..

Today was busy! I got through Hunter's first day of school..almost cried.. but didn't. I went to the school's Boo Hoo Breakfast for the kindergarten Mom's. It was just a meet & greet kind of thing. There were one or two mom's my age, the rest are young and their kids were their fist to go to school.. so I felt like a nanny goat in a pen full of kids! I didn't stay long. I took the twins to day care, had a nice lunch with Dori, drank a cup of coffee and read my book at the Starbucks right near Hunter's school. Picked him up, took him to karate, picked up the twins and we were back home just before 6 pm.

And the nice suprise was.. I didn't have to worry about dinner! One of our neighbors used to be Kierra & Brianne's math teacher in high school. He & his wife are the sweetest people. Linda called me today and said she was fixing us dinner, when was the best time to bring it by? I told her she didn't have to and she told me yes she did. She had been thinking about us and how at first we had everyone huddled around us and people figure that's not needed anymore and she felt that wasn't right. She wouldn't take no for an answer and I am so glad! I hadn't even planned on dinner and it was great to have it done for me! I told her I would pick it up on our way home to save the trouble of bringing it to us. She made a roast with fresh carrots, rice, biscuits & croissants, gravy, and turnovers! It was all so good, and the kids loved it too! It saved me at least an hour in the kitchen and I was able to get every one bathed and ready for bed without the extra hassle. What a treat and what a nice suprise!

fishy face

fishy face
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

He isn't sunburned, this pic just came out a little red! This was him goofing off when I wanted a picture for his first day of school!

First day of school

First day of school
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

My little man had his first day of school today! Isn't he handsome! He did very well and had a great day! There were a couple children crying this morning and I heard him tell one of them "it's okay, our Mom's don't leave us here forever, they'll come back later." What a great kid! (of course I am biased!)

The wind, the water, and the wonder..

Kayaking was great! I really love my sidekick kayak. It handled alot better than I thought. Terri has a Twist, one-person kayak and it was just as heavy as mine, but alot shorter. The weather was good to us, a light breeze over the water, and we are both wearing the results of direct sun on water without enough sunscreen! I am glad I wore a hat. We ended up on a lake on the interior side of Guana park. The intercoastal was about to go out to low tide and we wouldn't have been able to get back in until after 2pm. We were out from about 10am-12pm. We paddled about half of the lake. Still dark water, but saltwater. Saw several large jellyfish which were interesting. And Terri had a mullet jump in her boat. She did a good job of tossing him back without tipping! It felt good to be back out there. I had a few moments when I checked the time and realized it was almost 11:15, on a Sunday, and I was out on the water. I closed my eyes and coasted for a minute. Some of that day came back to me. When I opened my eyes a dragon fly flew by. It was the only one I saw until we were back on land then I saw another one when we were loading the kayaks back up. That day will always be with me, and there will be times I can't hold it back, but I know I can still take in the beauty and wonder around me and appreciate that I am still alive and it's okay.

Let's Say Thanks..

Another quick, easy, free nice thing to do.. check this out..

Click here: Let's Say Thanks

The least we can do..

I "blog jump"- I check out blogs, then click on links in their blogs and go to other blogs. I saw this in one of my "jumps" and am compelled to share it. It is an article that may be hard for some to read. But I think reading it is the least we can do for our service men & women who risk, and sometimes.. lose, their lives for us. It is long, 12 pages, but once you start you will be drawn to finish. Sad, yet poignant, and beautiful. If I already e-mailed this to you and you already read it.. good for you. If not, here's your chance..

Rocky Mountain News: News

Dark Water..

Well, I have been up almost all night. Dozed on the couch for about 45 minutes between 2 & 3am. I labeled all of Hunter's school items.. even the pencils! (Now before you claim I am OCD..the teacher's supply list asked us to do that!) Of course I used a label maker.. that may count as OCD so for those who thought it.. you got me!

I finally got the sidebar on this back up where it belongs. I also added a couple more links and I got a copyright for this blog since I may want to publish some of the stuff from it, and I needed one for the Citizens Against Road Rage site. I never know who may come accross it and want to use something from it.. just another way to CMA (Cover My Ass!)

I have my kayak loaded along with the gear. Terri & I are going to take a trip in Guana State Park (South Ponte Vedra Beach near St. Augustine). I wanted to go a couple weeks ago with Hunter but had the soft cast on my foot and couldn't go. Brianne is taking the kids for the day.. God Bless her!! (& Justin). I think the excitement is part of my sleeplessness. I am sure I made quite a picture with the kayak on the front lawn with me sitting in it adjusting the seat (with my fracture boot on, which I am sure added to the comical sight!). But I figured that was better than trying to do it in the water and flipping myself in every time I tried to adjust it. It is the first time using my kayak and seat, so I had to get it all set up. 3 of my neighbors just had to ask me if I was waiting for the tide to come in, or was there a weather bulletin they didn't know about. I am glad I gave them something to laugh about! I will fill you all in later tonight on how my venture into "dark water" turns out. I usually kayak down in Dunnellon on the Rainbow Springs River. It is 7+ miles of spring fed, crystal clear water. Constant 72 degrees. You can see everything in it, which does not include snakes or gators because the water is too cold. Guana is part of the St. John's River system which merges with the ocean just south of where we will be. It is not clear water, which is why I am not taking Hunter. I don't intend to flip or go in unwillingly, but it does happen from time to time. It should be some interesting paddling. I am really looking forward to it! TTYL

Rose Colored Glasses..

Actually they will be clear glasses in brown "magic twistable" frames. (Which is supposed to mean they are virtually indestructible!) Hunter went to the eye doctor today and will be wearing glasses in about a week. He had some issues on a pre-school screening, so we followed up and had some tests done today. He has a weak right eye and a visual deficit in his left eye. He thinks it is the coolest thing because he knows so many people with glasses. I am sure he won't think that when some cruel child decides to pick on him.

3 hours at the eye Dr. gave me plenty of time to think. I thought of how we see things so differently from one person to another. We can look at the same thing or deal with the same situation, yet what and how we see it varies. The human psyhe is amazing, as much as it is baffling. I spent some time with friends tonight and there were a couple discussions about the Venus/Mars (Woman/Man) perceptions. One example was something I did to decorate a wall in our home. We have a long windowless wall from our living room & dining room to the kitchen. It is a pretty long wall. I hung a curtain rod and curtains to create a "Faux" window in our dining area. Women thought it was great, what a neat idea. Guys just didn't get it. "Why would you put up curtains when there isn't a window there?" Some even went over and checked behind the curtains. " Why did you do that? There's no window!" And when I tried to explain it was just for decoration, to break up the long wall, to do something different.. they just couldn't register it.. "But why curtains? There isn't a window there!" I got bored with it after a while and rearranged a bit, put something else on that wall. I am thinking of doing the curtain thing again.. even if just to freak out all the guys and keep them guessing again! I could use the laugh!

Side Bar Missing..

I am clueless why the sidebar to this blog has moved down to the bottom of the page, so scan down for links, etc. It has done it once before and eventually righted itself. I have checked the template and can't find an error there, so who knows.. in the grand scheme of things it just isn't that big a deal, but for those of you who use the links, they are there, just at the bottom right of the page. Sorry!

The Ant Bully

I am listening to the twins yell & carry on in their room. They are supposed to be taking a nap! LOL. I took them to the movies today to see The Ant Bully.. a very good movie. They loved it. Of course they acted all sleepy in the car so I thought they would actually take an easy nap.. haha.. joke's on me! It was great to be with the 3 of them out of the house, in a fun, yet quiet, activity. They love going to the movies and it gives me a break as far as having to entertain them for an hour and a half. Plus I liked the movie too, so it was all good. Now some of you may be thinking I am crazy to do this myself, but there is a method to the madness. I take the double stroller, which keeps the twins sitting rather than running amok. I bring little bags to give them popcorn in and use little cups to give them fruit snacks or teddy grahams. They have their sippy cups, Hunter gets a kid's pack with a drink, so everyone is happy. As long as the movie isn't too long they do great. Regal has free movies every Tues. at 10 am and AMC has them on Wed. at 10:30 throughout the summer. Today's movie was Racing Stripes which we have on DVD and since it wasn't a cartoon I didn't think the twins would be real receptive. But The Ant Bully was funny and taught a good lesson, so it was worth it. Another plus.. at Regal the twins are free.. AMC charges kid's price for 2 and up. So I guess I will give in and let the twins go in the pool or play on the playground since, from the sound of it, they aren't planning on napping! Maybe they will go to bed early??

Anger..

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English, affliction, anger, from Old Norse angr grief; akin to Old English enge narrow, Latin angere to strangle, Greek anchein

1 : a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism

2 : RAGE

synonyms ANGER, IRE, RAGE, FURY, INDIGNATION, WRATH mean an intense emotional state induced by displeasure.

ANGER, the most general term, names the reaction but in itself conveys nothing about intensity or justification or manifestation of the emotional state .

IRE, more frequent in literary contexts, may suggest greater intensity than anger, often with an evident display of feeling .

RAGE suggests loss of self-control from violence of emotion .

FURY is overmastering destructive rage that can verge on madness .

INDIGNATION stresses righteous anger at what one considers unfair, mean, or shameful .

WRATH is likely to suggest a desire or intent to revenge or punish .

I was trying to verbalize my anger.. the extent of it, the volume of it, and could not find the words. Good old Merriam-Webster Dictionary seemed to cover the jist of it. I have been referred to as a control freak. I am not offended. I am a control freak. So it goes that it does not sit well with me that I can not control my anger. Although now that I have read an extended definition, I prefer Fury or Wrath, maybe even both. I can be performing the simplest of tasks and it comsumes me suddenly. That bastard is going about his life, while we are struggling to grieve and raise our family in this new world we have been forced to live in. I can't bring myself to accept the so-called process of justice. We struggle and suffer every day. Brian works much too hard to support all of us. Anger, Fury, Wrath, you betcha..

I'm not Superwoman?!

Hunter & I had a long talk a couple weeks ago and agreed that Max deserves a better home. I did what I thought was right in bringing him home at 1 week old because he would have died otherwise. Brian reminds me of a line in the movie "Scrooged"... "scrape em off Claire". But I couldn't just leave him there. He is a healthy, boisterous, lovable puppy now. Just not the brightest crayon in the box. I have not had troupble housetraining big dogs in the past. Max has small dog syndrome.. he doesn't care where or when he goes potty. I do not have the time to give him my undivided attention, and I can't subject the kids to doggie poo & pee on the carpet where they play. Brian was harder to convince than Hunter! Brenda took Max home today. Hunter is so excited that Brenda wanted Max. He knows she will love him and take care of him and he will be able to see Max. I am happy too, I know Brenda will love him and give him an awesome home. I have saved other dogs and found them good homes before. I feel like I should have been able to keep him, to make more time for him. But I guess I can't save the world, I may not be superwoman after all!

THERE...

Hmmm.. I just posted a blog about Ohanna. In it I mention that most of the people who were in our lives before still are. In reading back over the post I realized I didn't specify before "what". And also realized I don't have to . There is Now & there is Before. And there is Kierra's death smack in the middle. Even unspoken it is there, ominous, unyielding, THERE.

Ohanna means family..

This weekend went fast! We stayed up late Friday night visiting with Alan, Leslie, Ashley & Chris.. and their little dog, Wrongway. ( He is a black & tan long haired dachshund, very sweet!) Then Yesterday Leslie & Ashley & I went to the outlet mall in St. Augustine and had lunch at Ruby Tuesdays. I even found a few Christmas presents at really good prices. It was great girl time. We had pizza last night (Thank you Alan & Leslie! It was actually Lelsie's idea..aren't we girls smart!?) I ended up going to bed about 10:30. I had the worst headache. I don't know if it was from skipping the Chiropractor on Thursday, or the heat, or lack of caffiene, or all three.. but it kicked my butt and sent me to bed. I actually slept til Brian came in at 6am.

So I woke up with no headache.. yea! Justin picked up the twins about 9-ish and they brought them back home after church. Hunter didn't want to go. So my wonderful niece Ashley (who is Hunter's new Best Friend Ever!) agreed to watch the twins & Hunter so we 4 grown-ups could go to lunch before they had to head back to Fort Walton Beach. We went to Mimi's Cafe and it was really nice. Brian had to work last night and again tonight so he hadn't had much time to visit with his brother.

While we were hanging out waiting for Brian to get up before lunch we were watching Lilo & Stitch. Ohanna means family.. our family isn't exclusive to our blood born family. Blood doesn't always mean something. We are blessed to have many friends and extended family who we consider Ohanna. Most of the same people who were constant in our lives before still are. A few have faded, and a few just disappeared. But the true Ohanna have always been here and we love you all.

Have a Good Weekend..

I will probably be off line for the weekend. Brian's brother Alan, his wife Leslie, and their children Ashley & Chris are coming to Jax for the weekend. They have been living out in Colorado and just got stationed in Fort Walton Beach with the Air Force. Ashley will be going to college in Orlando, so we should get to see them more often. Alan is the oldest of the 4 Shore boys. He used to come over to my apartment before Kierra & I moved to Wyoming. I would cook dinner and he would hang out and play with Kierra. I have a video of one of our visits to Florida when Kierra was just about 6 years old. She was telling him all about Daisy Girl Scouts. We went to Disney with them and there is video Alan took from his seat with Kierra on Thunder Mountain Railroad.I am not sure who's scream reached the higher octave.. Alan or Kie! He lost his hat on one of the twists and turns and they never did find it. I have a picture of him dancing with Kierra at Brianne's wedding. Good memories.. They are good people. So I better go finish cleaning house! I'll catch you all up Sunday night. Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Tristan's First Kiss!

I did get to get away for a while last night and finish school shopping with Greta and then we went and got a bite to eat. We were both fighting headaches, but we really push for our time together and try not to give it up without a fight! I got home to find out Brenda got Tristan's first kiss! Alexa freely gives kisses and hugs and says I Love You. But Tristan doesn't. Brenda was in trying to settle Alexa down and she was refusing any kisses or hugs. Tristan tapped Brenda on the shoulder so she asked him if he wanted a hug. Then he kissed her on the cheek! Brenda was so tickled! Of course first thing this morning when he got up I asked him for a kiss.. no dice.. he did his usual covering of his mouth and told me no! So I will keep trying and let you know when I finally woo him enough to get that kiss!

EMPTY

Yesterday was just one of those days. I hadn't checked the mail on Wed. so Brian checked it yesterday morning. I would have preferred a dozen bills over the continuos flow of forms and more forms. Between crap from the attorney( more stuff for the opposing atty.) and then more insurance forms from progressive ( what do we pay them for!? I don't remember asking for a harrassment rider on my policy.. and they are supposedly working for ME!) And then more forms from the hospital dealing with third party liablility for Hunter's broken arm. I feel like one of those vending machines with the pull knobs. Except I am empty and everyone just keeps pushing the buttons and yanking on my knobs, while ignoring my EMPTY sign!

All Nighters aren't what they used to be!

After a very long night with Alexa I took her to the Dr. this morning to find out there is nothing wrong with her. She has been running a low grade temp the past day or so, and after her cranky, impossible to please night last night I thought maybe she was brewing an ear infection or something. They checked her all over and said she may just be running something viral that isn't symptomatic. Kierra did the same thing when she was small. She would get dark circles under her eyes and run a temp for a day or two, then all would be fine. They have the twin's pictures on their bulletin board. One when they were about 3 months old, and then the surf board pic from when they were 18 months old. They have changed so much. Alexa found them right away and kept showing everyone Tristan.."See Tistan"? "Come here.. see Tistan!" Of course everyone did as they were told and came to see the pictures. They have changed so much.

Alexa weighs 27 1/2 lbs now which is a slight weight gain, but she is still on the low weight side of the scale. She tops the charts on height. Tristan is about 1/2 to a full pound heavier than her and about an inch shorter. The Dr. commented on how healthy they have been the past several months. They used to get alot of colds and ear infections. He said those things usually taper off at about 2 years old. They still worry about the kids weight, but I told him they are very active and get a varied, healthy diet and still drink the pediasure 3 times a day. Alexa is very picky, but will eat when you find something she likes. I would worry more if they lacked energy or were sickly all the time. Afterward Alexa & I went to have lunch with Brian while he was working at the credit union. She loved being the center of attention.

I hear Alexa waking up again, so off I go to comfort and soothe. I am not doing another all nighter with her!

Playing Dress Up..

Hunter has quite a few costumes that he & the twins like to dress up and play in. Tristan likes Buzz Lightyear, Hunter likes his Spiderman or Prince Phillip, and Alexa uaually picks The Thing (from Fantastic 4). The boys are playing now, but Alexa didn't want to. They have been full of energy & mischief today while I am drained of all energy and in no mood for their mischief! We had a WIC appointment first thing this morning and they have been going non stop. Alexa was up & down all night last night running a fever, but has no other symptoms. Kierra used to do that when she was little. But Alexa seems fine now, it hasn't slowed her down at all! Brenda came over after her class today and she is laying them down for a nap for me. I was going to try to take them to Ollie Koala's but they are too out of control. Tristan actually asked to go lay down! Hunter has a therapy appt. this afternoon, so maybe things will calm down a little.

I was watching them play dress up and I thought how funny it is that we do that our entire lives. We put on the many "faces" we need, or think we need, to get us through our lives. I know I have to get myself into my "game face" for our court appearances and dealing with the attorneys for Kierra's case. And depending on my mood I have to put on my "social face" sometimes to go to the JACKPOTT meetings or different events. And if I am honest, and I always try to be, then I have to admit I have to put on a face for my friends & family sometimes too. I have even had to put on a "brave face" for myself a time or two. Women in general have to wear the many different hats required to be a wife, mother, a business woman.. whatever the different roles we play. I know I have a dozen different types of clothing in my closet. I have casual, dressy, cruise clothes, cleaning clothes, workout clothes (haha), and even a few "clubbing" clothes. I have clothes I wouldn't leave the house in, and clothes I have only worn once. (even a couple that still have the tags on them!) But it is amazing the mindset I have when I have to select clothes for a specific function, even if it is just a Dr. Appt. Just another way of "dressing" up for who we want to be at any given time. I have had self esteem issues my whole life. I can't say I have been truly happy with myself for all sorts of reasons, although not always rational, they are my feelings. There are alot of times I would love to be someone else, not specifically, just "dress" from a different closet now and then. Live a different life. I know there would be problems and imperfections in that life too, I never said it was a realistic or rational thought, again.. just how I feel sometimes. Today I would love to put on nice comfy PJs and crawl into bed and stay there. I guess that is why Dress Up is all about fantasy!

Let them be little..

The other day Hunter & I passed Kierra's marker where she was killed. We talked about it for a few minutes and he cried, so did I. Not long after one of her favorite songs came on the radio and he said "Mom.. I am going to close my eyes for a minute.... Mom! guess what? I can see Kierra dancing! I like that better than thinking about her dying. I think it would make her happier too!" And I told him yes, I think it would make her much happier. I wish he could have been saved this grief, it just doesn't seem fair for him to be so young and have to deal with this. Then I heard a song on a Lonestar CD I was given, and thought this was the neatest song..

Let Them Be Little by Lonestar

I can remember when you fit in the palm of my hand

Felt so good in it, no bigger than a minute

How it amazes me, you're changing with every blink

Faster than a flower blooms they grow up all too soon

So let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while

Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day

Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle

Oh just let them be little

I've never felt so much in one little tender touch

I live for those kisses, prayers and your wishes

Now that you're teaching me things only a child can see

Every night while we're on our knees all I ask is please

Let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while

Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day

Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle

Oh just let them be little

So innocent, a precious soul, you turn around

It's time to let them go

So let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while

Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day

Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle

Oh just let them be little

Let them be little

A Good Night's Sleep!

Last night (Sat.) I slept from about midnight straight through til 8:34 am this morning! I can't tell you how long it has been since I slept for more than a couple hours without waking up. Terry came over and insisted I take some Tylenol PM and go to bed. She stayed over and got up with the kids this morning. Then she took Hunter home for the day. He ended up sleeping over and I will pick him up in the morning. He called me to let me know he swam across the pool without his floaties and was so proud of himself. It is good for him to get time away.

I went to brunch with Greg, Lisa, and her parent's. Then this afternoon I went and saw the movie "Click" with Greta.. not bad, makes you appreciate life a little more. Lots of funny moments, a few emotional moments too. Chad watched the twins for that, then Brenda came over and put them to bed for me so Chad, Nancy, & I could go to a late show for Pirates of the Carribean. Great special effects. Busy day!

Okay, I just realized it is almost 3 am, so this blog will be dated for Monday, when I am actually still on Sunday.. sorry for the confusion. My days run together. I guess I will go to bed and try to sleep so I can start today (Monday) like normal people do!

Liquid Band-aid is my hero!

Alexa seems to be a bleeder.. I am going to talk to her Dr. about it. Tristan bit through her lip a while back and that bled like crazy.. Liquid Band-aid saved us a trip to the ER. Last night she did a jump/flip off her mattress, which she had put horizontally accross her bed. She landed on the edge of Tristan's bed.. hit her ear and split it the top of her ear lobe, just above her earring. Thankfully it did not tear her earring hole, I thought it had. I removed the earring and spent 20 minutes trying to clean it up and stop the bleeding. She screamed the whole time. In the end the liquid band-aid worked but not as quickly as usual, it kept bleeding through. The final injury is such a small wound, but bled like crazy. I don't think it was big enough for barely one stitch. and it wasn't deep at all.

Kierra was accident prone at this age. She broke her arm playing Superman off the edge of the couch and hit the coffee table.. hence, we don't have a coffee table! Kierra also hit her face hard against the under edge of our water bed at this age and also fell on rocks late at night once when she snuck outside to play on the swingset and scratched up her face pretty bad. We didn't have liquid band-aid back then! So we took alot of trips to the ER. Alexa almost went last night, but the liquid band-aid worked and it seems fine this morning. I should write a letter to the Liquid Band-aid company!

My Memory is Long..

July 16, 1998 my biological father, Stanley Glover died of a fatal heart attack. I am the youngest of the five children he had with my mother. They seperated when she was pregnant with me. It was a very traumatic time for my brothers and sisters and I when he died, and there was emotional damage done that may never fully heal. Another shining example of the dysfunctional family I come from, but that is another story I may never tell.. anyway..

There are many parallels between Kierra's relationships with her "Father" and her "Dad" just as there were with mine. The first memory I have of Stanley I may have been about 3 years old. I think it stands out because it was traumatic for me. I have a couple pictures of me with him when I was younger, but the clearest memory I have is of him picking me up and accidentally burning my shoulder with his cigar. It was an anise cigar, with a strong licorice scent. I have never cared for black licorice. The only things I knew about him growing up were what I heard from my siblings and my mother, usually when they were mad at him, so most of it wasn't very good. So by the time I was a teenager I had a pretty monstrous image in my mind of who this man was. When I was 15 my oldest sister, Robyn, took me on a summer trip up to Massachusetts and we spent some time with him. I was scared to death! He taught me to go clamming on the 4th of July out on the point, and I ate my first steamed clam(yuck!). I wasn't cured of my fear, but it was lessened some what. After Brian & I got married and took a trip up north Robyn arranged for us to stay with Stanley. He was divorced and living with his dog Blackie. It was awkward at first, but after a few debates we managed to figure out who we were to each other. I wish I had more time to know him. I took the kids to visit alot when we lived in upstate New York. They knew him as the Grampa with the dump truck. He didn't have much of an education and could barely write or read. I sent alot of pictures and called on the phone when I couldn't get there to visit.

Kierra and I met Brian when she was 18 months old. She asked questions about having so many grandparents when she was about 7. I never lied to her, but I never offered any negative information about Rick. I hoped like Stanley, he would be a better person when he was older. I took Kierra to meet him when she was about 16. She saw him then, and once when he came to Florida to see her. They communicated for a while, but some things hadn't changed over the years and she could not accept the person he was at that time. I guess she never did accept him because in 2002 she legally changed her name to Shore. She would never get into the details and I respected that. Brian was her "Dad". Daddy. He has a framed "you are my father" poem Kierra gave him a few years ago. She adored him and he adored her. I was never jealous, but did envy the way they had with each other. I felt like the bad guy alot of the time when she & I butted heads.

It was like that with my mother too. My "Dad" was there for me as far back as I can remember. He still is a tower of strength for me. Although I couldn't lean on my Mom and cry on her shoulder when Kie died.. I fell into my Dad's arms and wept from my soul. It is a special bond. I think because he didn't have to love me, he chose to. Just like with Brian and Kie. She & I were very blessed to have such wonderful Dad's. I was also blessed to get to know my father and wish so many years had not been wasted. I will cherish what I had, as I do with Kie, and my memories will sustain me.. and my memory is long.. very, very long.

An Idea for a tattoo?

Kali - Hindu Goddess of time, death, energy.....

There are dozens of definitions. I guess for me those three have a connection in one form or another... Just an idea at the moment! (I would not do the nose ring in the design!)

Also noted from another blog.. Kalilily Time - About Lilith-She is that which does not surrender.

A Twisted Path..

I am not the sum of what I am going through. It doesn't have to define me.

Sounds good doesn't it? Terri sent me a link to a blog.. (Thank You Terri!) It was very interesting and inspiring. I feel like I have lost myself since Kierra's death. I know I am still in here somewhere, but I have been swallowed up by everything else. I get up each day and go through all the motions. But it is all driven by my grief, by what Kierra's death has done to my life. I put a quote on a site I had to register for to comment on this woman's blog.. it is a one line bio.. and what came to mind was;

"I am on a twisted path of my life's journey.. and I am not always the driver."

A dozen cliches' come to mind about controlling our own destiny, about being the only one who can change ourselves, about having the will power to overcome what holds us back. Again, it all sounds good. It just isn't so easy to apply. I will find myself, and I will regain control. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.....................(?)

Twilight Zone..

Yesterday was a busy day. The twins went to Kids by The Hour while I took Hunter to his therapy appt. He & I also picked up our meals from Super Suppers ( what an awesome find that place is!). Then we picked up the twins and took them to Supercuts where Kierra worked to get their hair cut. Sue was there, but I didn't recognize anyone else. Alexa's bangs don't cover her eyes now, and I only trimmed Tristan's around the sides and back. Sue asked how things were going. Then I took the kids to Applebees where Kierra worked for an early dinner. They don't have her pictures up anymore. I realized they don't at Supercuts anymore either. At Applebees Melissa was the only person I knew there. It seems strange with Andrea gone. The twins recognized Melissa and got all excited. They were all good. It just felt strange. Familiar, but not.

There is a shift from what was before, and what is now. And how things were after Kierra's death and now, 8 months later. I know she isn't forgotten really, they've just gotten past it, moved on. The world keeps turning. It just felt a little "twilight zone" for me. Like I am moving between 2 dimensions, and I never quite know when the "shift" is going to happen, and it seems like I am the only one who feels it.

Affirmation..

For all the downs, there are "ups" too. Vicky, a friend from St. Pete, came to visit on her way to Fort Walton Beach. She and her son Ryan stayed over Saturday and Sunday. I am not used to having so much company! Ryan was great with the kids and as always, Vicky is a great listener. I must be selfish, because between Vicky & Terry, I really enjoyed having grown up/ girl time. I get it from time to time with Greta and Brenda, and when they can, from Dori, Terri, & Nancy. But it was awesome to have someone here burning the midnight oil with me too.

And it reaffirmed for me that despite the users I have tolerated way too long, I am surrounded by loyal, loving people who truly care. That helps alot. It has been hard for me to realize that Kierra's death has been a way for some people to think I will forgive anything and everything. That with her death I became... what? Complacent? Tolerant? Stupid? Yes, life is short, we should love everyone, yada, yada, yada. That is true when it is reciprocated. I have never liked one sided situations. If I give respect and honesty.. damn straight I expect it back. OK, I am off on a tangent again.. I am almost sorry. Not totally sorry because people need to know I am not just spouting then over it.

So Thank You Terry & Vicky for giving me some much needed affirmation. I love you both and wish you lived closer! And thank you Ryan for being so great with the kids, despite the many times you got stepped on!

I shopped without spending!!

My friend Terry Moore from Miami came to visit for a few days. It was great to see her and to have the company. We got together with Greta and Nancy to see The Devil Wears Prada.. a good movie.. I had to leave just before the end to pick up the kids, but the girls said it ended well! Then Terry, Brenda, & I went to Orlando yesterday to go window shopping and get away for the day. It was great not to be on a timetable. I survived shopping without spending! Thanks to Kids by the Hour and Brianne & Justin, and Chad, for making that possible. Saw lots of cool stuff, got some ideas for Christmas and some birthdays. Even hobbling in my fracture boot wasn't too bad, other than a painful moment or two! And Thank You to Brenda & Terry for sharing the day with me.

Bring On The Rain..

by JoDee Messina

Another day has almost come and gone

Cant imagine what else could wrong

Sometimes Id like to hide away somewhere and lock the door

A single battle lost but not the war (cause)

Tomorrows another day

And Im thirsty anyway

So bring on the rain

Its almost like the hard times circle round

A couple drops and they all start coming down

Yeah, I might feel defeated,I might hang my head

I might be barely breathing - but Im not dead

Tomorrows another day

And Im thirsty anyway

So bring on the rain

Im not gonna let it get me down

Im not gonna cry

And Im not gonna lose any sleep tonight, no

Cause tomorrow's another day..

And I am not afraid

So bring on the rain......

Promises, Promises..

do me a favor... don't make them! I know in most instances promises are made and kept. But here lately that has not been the case! I know "stuff" happens, and some things are beyond our control. I also know the difference between "out of your control" and making bad choices.

This applies to things like the deal with the police department and Brian going to days. Had it been put as "when we have an opportunity to transfer you we will let you know, but we really can't make any promises" that would be different than to constantly say.. in April.. wait .. in May.. wait.. mid July, oops, maybe not til January.

And if you promise to pay something back and it is stipulated that it is needed in a specific time frame...make it a priority to follow through. Don't blow it off once, then twice, then again, and so on, and so on... and of course the flip side of that is ... NEVER loan money you need or expect back. If it isn't disposable income.. don't do it! We know that, but made an exception. That was one of those bad choices I was talking about!

And do your best to never break a promise you make to a child. A promise is a trust. You can build that trust or you can break it. Trust builds confidence, integrity, loyalty. It can also tear those things down when promises are broken.

It is usually with the best of intentions that people make promises. Promises to keep in touch, promises to help out, promises to go to lunch, or see a movie. Promises to repay a loan, promises to replace something lost or broken. Some of those promises seem trivial. Some don't even seem like real promises, so maybe they don't count? Wrong. For me, my life hangs by a fragile thread most of the time. My trust is not easily given. If I count on something promised to me, I truly count on it. My expectations are that my trust in you was valued by you. That you hold as much importance to your promise as I do. So you break more than your promise. You break my trust, my faith in you. And bitch that I am, I leave those broken pieces where they fall. I don't rush to pick them up and put them back together. Right or wrong.. my perception is my reality.

You don't have to like it or agree with it. I'm not asking you to. But know that it is what it is. Consider this my "fed up" phase. Whatever works for you and helps you sleep at night. For those of you not on my shit list.. kudos. For those of you who are, and you know who you are.... I promise you won't get the chance to break a promise to me again.

A "life sucks sundae".. Oh PLEASE may I have another?!

I am beyond frustrated. It seems every thing is in limbo, or screwed up! The civil case is emotionally frustrating, and the criminal case is just as bad, just not as personally draining, although it all takes a toll. I have to hurry up and wait on going too public with C.A.R.R., and have to wait to get the whole thing set up legally and get everything registered and filed correctly, so that is in a holding pattern as well. There is no help in sight to do anything about adding on to the house and we can't afford to move.

Then to top off my "life sucks sundae"... a big fat cherry with the pit.. Brian is not going to days.. not this month or for quite a few months.. if ever.. maybe January. And of course it is out of the chief's hands, no one can do anything about it.... blah blah blah. They are too short staffed... again..maybe deciding NOT to fill 70 jobs to save the city money wasn't such a smart idea... but the big wigs eat dinner at home with their families every night don't they?? And obviously the fact that our family is in crisis, and Brian being home more was the light at the end of my tunnel, doesn't mean jack shit to any of them. So serve up my sundae with an extra helping of bitterness and resentment, and pour some more police politics bull shit on the side. With any luck.. I'll puke it back up on their nice clean carpet, because no matter how you serve it.. it ain't goin down easy!!

A Foot Note..

Hunter & I enjoyed our time together. We got rained out on Friday at Busch Gardens, so we headed to orlando earlier than planned and went to the Magic Kingdom for a couple hours Friday night. Saturday we went to Epcot, had a rough spot when Hunter wanted to leave and not go to the land of Imagination where Figment (the original purple Dinosaur!) was. Later he told me it was because Kierra had promised to take him there someday and he would never go there without her. I told him she would want him to go and someday I want to take the twins there because it was her favorite when she was little. He said he would think about it.

Sunday we went to Disney Quest after we had lunch at the Rainforest Cafe, then headed home. We couldn't go Kayaking because on Thrusday before we left I went to the foot Dr. and left the office in a soft cast and walking shoe. I get a fracture boot this week. They think I have a stress fracture from my accident the end of April that has healed partially, but is not done healing and is still giving me a lot of grief. So no getting it wet.. no kayaking. Once I have the fracture boot I can take it off as needed. We'll see how it goes!

Hunter, Minnie, & Mickey 7-9-06

Hunter, Minnie, & Mickey 7-9-06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Kissy Face July 9, 2006

Kissy Face July 9, 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

We went to the Rainforest Cafe for lunch today. This was the picture Hunter picked as his favorite!

Mom, Mickey, & Hunter 7-8-06

Mom, Mickey, & Hunter 7-8-06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

On our way to start our day at Epcot. This was taken at the hotel.

Taking some Hunter time..

I will not be online or blogging for a few days. Usually I try to take Hunter on a Mom & Me day about once a month. He broke his arm in April and we haven't done anything since, so I owe him about 3 days! I got passes for he & I for the year at most of the parks, so we are going to Busch Gardens on Friday, an Orlando park on Saturday, and if we can work it out, we may go kayaking on Sunday, then be back home Sunday evening. If not we will go to one of the water parks. We haven't been kayaking since the day Kierra died, so I figured this might be a good opportunity to get back in the water for both of us. I posted a few pix from this past weekend and the 4th of July. It went by smoother than I expected. We didn't go to any fireworks because the twins don't like thunder or loud noises, especially Tristan. Maybe they will be better about it next year. Hunter went to Metro park with Brianne & Justin Monday night for fireworks and an outdoor movie.. Madagascar. He had a blast, so he didn't feel like he missed out on anything when we stayed home the next night. We will see fireworks again this weekend at Disney. He is so excited, and so am I. I miss time with him. That may sound silly, I am with him all the time, but for almost the first 5 years of his life he was almost an only child, the other kids were older. Hunter & I did alot of things together. Now there are 2 more kids demanding my time & attention, and although he knows why, and he loves them.. his life has still changed dramatically. He has alot of anger issues. Not really directed toward the twins, but at Kierra's death and at "that bad man who killed her" as he puts it. So if I can put a smile on his face and give him some of my time, it is well worth it. Brenda, Greta & Randy, and Brianne & Justin are all tag teaming and caring for the twins so Hunter & I can do this. A ginormous THANK YOU to them..It takes a village to raise a child..

Hunter July 2, 2006

Hunter July 2, 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Chillin' in the pool at Auntie Terri & Uncle Dwight's house!

Alexa July 2, 2006

Alexa July 2, 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Alexa posing in her new tinkerbell bikini!

Tristan Sleeping 7-4-06

Tristan Sleeping 7-4-06
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Worn out from playing all day and no nap.. he zonked out by 6 pm!

Cooling Off for the 4th of July

Cooling Off for the 4th of July
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Brian in the pool with the kids.. his first time!

An hour of my life..

I had to pick up a couple things at Sam's Club the other day and there was no way I could do it without taking all three kids. After getting all 3 kids dressed and loaded up in the van we headed out on our adventure. Just for comparison, if I had done this errand alone it would have taken me about 15 min. from out of car to back in it!

We pulled into the parking lot at 3 pm. I tried parking close to where the shopping carts are, but no luck. So I opened the van side door on the driver's side, reached over and unbuckled Alexa from the other side of the back seat, then quickly unbuckled Tristan so I could grab Alexa before she climbed into the front seat. You may be asking why I didn't get Tristan out and walk around to Alexa's side to get her out. Well, it takes 2 hands to undo the car seat, and that would leave Tristan untethered in the parking lot. I have tried to have Hunter hold his hand, but that causes and argument from Tristan, so that doesn't work out so well.

So now we are all out of the car and heading toward the nearest shopping cart. I am holding each of the twins hands and Hunter is holding onto my shirt just behind Tristan. My purse is sliding off my shoulder, but other then the risk of hitting one of the kids in the head, I don't care, my goal is to get them in a cart ASAP! Fortunately this Sam's club is being upgraded and they just got new carts.. they have them set up to hold 2 toddlers in front, or 1. Most places don't have them like that. The only option then is the big "car" shopping carts where most of the safety belts are broken and they try to climb out! In a real pinch they have to sit where the groceries are supposed to go, and the groceries go where the seat for 1 child is.

Finally they are buckled in and we are on our way into the store! Then I realize I left my Sam's card in the car from when I got gas.. back to the car and then back to the store! We make 2 pauses/stops where they have the movies because Hunter is looking for Superman, so I remind him it is at the theaters, not on DVD, and we head back to where the dog food is (at the back of the store). Now is when Hunter informs me he has to go to the bathroom... BAD! So we head back to the front of the store to the restroom. I have to unload the twins, set my cart aside and take all three into the restroom. I let the twins wash their hands while Hunter does his business. Tristan is trying his darnedest to get away from me and run for the door. All hands washed we head back out into the store. My cart is gone! Along with the dog food. So now we go accross the front of the store to the other side where the entrance (and the carts) are. Of course along the way I ask a couple employees if anyone had seen the cart, or if there were any empty ones, and of course the answer was no.

We get reloaded into the cart, and head back for dog food again. I get the few items I need and we head for the front check out. We have a couple more pauses/stops when Hunter stops to look at things he really, really wants, but isn't getting today. In line a very nice man informs me that Alexa is missing a shoe. She tends to take them off when she is mad.. she just uses her other foot to push it off her heel. If I don't hear it drop Tristan usually tells on her. She had gotten mad a couple times when I would not get something she wanted. I didn't hear, and Tristan didn't tell. I look around the immediate area.. no shoe. So we back track and after about 10-15 minutes we find her shoe.

So back we go to the check out line, which is now longer than it was before. We wait our turn, pay for our items and head out to the car. I turn the car on to get the air going.. it is at least 100 degrees in the car. I pull the cart right up next to the van (which isn't always possible if people park too close), I put Tristan in first because he is my climber/runner, and then I lift and reach Alexa accross to her seat because the person parked on the other side parked way too close. Hunter climbs in and buckles up. I put the groceries and dog food into the back, put the cart under the nearest tree (the place to park the carts is too far for me to go with the car left running.) I get in the driver's seat and note the time... 4:03 pm. Why do I feel like it was longer than that!?

One of the lucky few..

For every flicker of joy, there come flames of sadness..

Kierra fell in love with Brian before I did, she was 18 months old. The morning after meeting him for the fist time she went right up to him and called him Daddy. She didn't call anyone Daddy at the time and it suprised both of us. She took right to him, and I must admit.. so did I! That morning was Dec. 31, 1982. Kierra & I moved to Wyoming May 12, 1983. We were married July 1, 1983. It was quite a big deal for Kierra because whenever we talked to her about it, she said she wanted to get married too. So it was always "we", Kierra & I, were going to marry Daddy.

The night before the wedding Kierra & I stayed over at a friend's house. Ron Parsons stood in for my Dad and he and his wife Karen let Brian come over and tuck Kierra & I into bed, but then made him go home so he wouldn't see me the day of our wedding until I walked down the aisle of the church. It was small, simple, and one of the most beautiful days of my life. None of our family or friends from out of state could make it, so we had a few friends we knew there and the three of us. Ron's wife Karen was my matron of Honor, Brian's room mate Tim was his best man, and Kierra was our flower girl.

For Brian & I, our entire life together has been with Kierra, so how can it be we are without her now? "We" were supposed to be married forever. I can't recall the joy of that day without feeling the sorrow of her being gone. Please don't remind me how much I have to be thankful for. I know that, and I am thankful, but I can not seperate my mind from my heart. I can not disconnect my memories of her life from the memory of her death. So right now it is hard to celebrate our life together. I will cherish this day always, but it isn't a "happy" anniversary for us. I had the hardest time finding a card that wasn't full of cheerful, chipper crap. I did find a card that talked about having a true partner, someone they can count on in good times and bad..a love that is even stronger for all they've been through together. About being one of the lucky few to find someone like that... and I am.

Our Little Flower Girl

Our Little Flower Girl
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Kierra was so excited.. "we" were getting married!

On the Church steps July 1, 1983

On the Church steps July 1, 1983
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Lighting the Unity Candle

Lighting the Unity Candle
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

July 1, 1983.. boy do we look young!

First Family Picture June 1983

First Family Picture June 1983
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

This was about a month before we got married, just after Kierra turned two.

Easter 1983

Easter 1983
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

This was at my Mom & Dad's house. Brian was visiting from Wyoming. Kierra & I moved there just a few weeks after this.