It's 3 am.. Do You Know Where YOU Are?

I am here..exactly where "here" is at this point in my life I am not so sure! I am sure that it is not anywhere I ever planned it to be. No laughing.. I went to my first PTA meeting tonight. Yes, Hunter is my 4th child, but No, I never went to anything PTA before. Maybe it was the old song Harper Valley PTA, or maybe I felt too far out of the "normal" box to be part of the PTA before. OK, stop giggling & snorting.. no, I do not consider myself anywhere near the "normal" box now either. So maybe it is a desperate attempt to look normal? I have no idea. I am doing alot of things I never thought I would be doing, so what's one more?! I can't seem to find a comfortable fit with anything I do, but will keep trudging on and see where it takes me. Blind faith? You Betcha. Because even the best laid plans most often get shot all to hell.

I was cooking a meal for a JACKPOTT family tonight when Brian got home from work at about 1:30 am. I will deliver it tomorrow morning along with some bread, salad, & dessert. It motivated me to cook for us too. No one else had stepped up to help this family in need and I just felt like it was the right thing to do. But is it truly an altruistic act? Honestly.. no. I know if I inundate myself with things to do, especially for others (because that is more of a committment and I have to follow through), then I have less time to think, or to feel. I exhaust myself emotionally. Well, I try to. As you can see it is after 3 am EST and I am still up and at it. But there is so much I can't control (another issue for me!) and so much I feel isn't productive or doesn't give me a sense of worth, so I fill my life up with more & more to do. Yet I still feel like I don't do enough. I'm running a Hamster Wheel Marathon. I know what I am doing.. and deep down I know why.. knowing doesn't mean I can make myself do anything to change it.. and would I? No, not really.. because either way I would be right back where I am..right here.. wherever "here" is..