Long nights..

I had a dream the other morning. Not so unusual to have a dream, but it was unusual the way it intertwined with reality, and picked back up again when I went back to sleep.

I didn’t go to bed until 4:48 am. The dream was actually a memory. A summer trip to Florida when Chad was 10 months old, Brianne was almost 3, and Kierra had just turned 6. I had taken them to the beach. Kierra was splashing in the surf while Brianne sat on the edge of the water and giggled every time it washed over her legs. Chad sat in the sand grabbing handfuls of it and throwing it in the air. The sun was warm and bright. I thought I heard a child calling me, and when I look down the beach it is empty except for 3 small shapes in the distance. I can hear the faint call of a child. I look at my 3 children around me as they laugh and play. For a moment the sun shines so bright I am blinded and when I look again my children look farther away than they were, and the 3 small shapes in the distance seem closer. They are still calling to me, more urgently now.

Tristan woke me up at 5:23 am. I put him back to bed. I go back to bed and the dream continues.

I try to move closer to Kierra, Brianne, & Chad, but the sand keeps slipping from under me. I call to them, but they don’t seem to hear me as they keep playing. I look down the beach again and see the other children coming closer. They are reaching out to me. I am torn. I don’t want to move forward, but I am unable to go back. The new faces before me look familiar. I see familiar eyes looking back at me. The sun flashes again and I know who they are, I know where I am, and as I look back I know the children who were playing there a moment ago will be gone.

Tristan woke me up again at 5:49 am. He wanted a drink. I got him some water and tucked him back in. I went back to bed. The dream came right back.

The beach is empty except for Hunter, Tristan, Alexa, & I. We keep walking up and down the beach. I am looking and waiting for my other children to come back. It is starting to get dark, and then it starts to get cold. I can’t wait any longer. We had to leave.

Brian woke me up about 6:15-6:30. I was not just physically wiped out, the emotion of the dream woke up with me. I do not always remember my dreams, and I don’t often keep dreaming the same dream when I wake up then go back to sleep. I know this dream is full of symbolism, and I know part of the reason for the dream is that Kierra’s birthday is coming soon. It will be a long week, and I think the nights will be even longer…