My Cave Man..

I did actually get a few hours of sleep tonight. On the couch where I crashed about 12:30 am. I woke up to Brian getting home at 2:30.. upset because I did not get the load of clothes out of the wash and into the dryer, which also meant I did not get the clothes in the dryer folded and put away. For Brian that should have been a priority. I also left a small condiment dish with some soy sauce and a paper towel scrunched up in it, on the kitchen counter. Which had caused a swarm of the damn drain flies we are battling to have a party on our kitchen counter. Both of these things are major issues for Brian. They are two of his biggest pet peeves. And I know that. I did not neglect them intentionally. But to his mind these should have been taken care of hours and hours ago. The laundry was as he left it when he went to work 12 hours before. The load in the washer had to be rewashed.

A part of me deep down inside cares about the laundry and the dish on the counter. A part of me way, way deep down inside. The rest of me truly doesn't care at all. My mind did not even register the laundry although Brian did mention it as he left. I put it in there somewhere, got distracted.. imagine that.. and I never went back to it. I guess the issue for him is that I often forget about it. But we have different perceptions of "doing" laundry. He washes it and drys it. Sometimes he will hang a few things up, but normally it gets semi folded and piled on top of the washer/dryer for me to sort and put away. I try to fold and hang up the clothes as they come out of the dryer and sort them by room. It doesn't always happen that way, and I have left clothes in the living room chair for days (or weeks) before. But I try to get it put away. Brian says he doesn't sort it because he doesn't know what belongs to whom and what gets hung up and what doesn't. That part of it isn't a priority for him. My mind justifies, if I don't have the time and energy to do it from start to finish, why bother.. and honestly, I just don't care.

Is it Mars vs Venus? I am not sure. I know he works out side the home, provides all our financial support, and therefore his efforts are validated. I tell him often how much I appreciate how hard he works and all he does at home in addition to that. And I tell everyone else that too. I am not sure if it is as bothersome to me that he doesn't see what I do as "work" or "contributing", or that I don't feel that it is appreciated by him. We have been married more than 23 years. No matter what job I have had, or the times I have not worked outside the home, my jobs were never as important, or as "hard" as his. At least not from his perspective. That hasn't changed. It is, and always has been, an issue we agree to disagree about.

The emotional aspect for me is the most difficult. Usually I can let it roll like water off my back. It is what it is. But now, as it has been alot since Kierra's death, it is a thorn in my side, It is a piece of popcorn under my gum that I can't seem to get out and it annoys the shit out of me! So I rinsed my little dish, put it in the dishwasher and ran the load of dishes waiting to be done. He started the clothes rewashing, I ran the dryer on dewrinkle and then folded/hung, sorted the load in the dryer and when the wash was finished, I put it in the dryer. I will wait until that is dry and fold/sort/hang that load and have it done. When he wakes up later today and I have gotten Hunter up, ready, and taken to school, and gotten the twins taken care of at the start of their day, and by then I will have run some errands, including picking up his drycleaning, done the grocery shopping for the next week, and prepared to take Tristan to his ENT appt.... will there be laundry to do, and more dishes on the counter?? Probably. But I will have done what I should have done today, right? I will have ended my day fulfilling his expectations, although I fell short once again.

I remind myself, we are both right, we both have valid feelings about it. Because no matter how I feel.. his perception is his reality, and mine is mine. It is how it has been for centuries. It really is a trivial thing, but it exemplifies so much more than being about the laundry. He needs cleanliness and order. He needs things in their proper place. He needs things done how and when he feels they should be done. He has cleaned both bathrooms the past couple days in between working because they needed to be done and it drove him crazy. Yet he couldn't tell you the last time he cleaned the play area. Or took Hunter to Karate, or took the kids to any of the numerous Dr. appts. Or did the grocery shopping. Because he works all the time and that is my job. We both could justify all we do and still not feel appreciated by each other.

Yet I know he loves me, and I know how hard he works for us. I know the exact feeling he is having when he looks at me with the pain so fresh and strong in his eyes that there are no words to describe it. I know that for both of us everything has changed but so much is expected to be the same. I know there are feelings and worries that he keeps from me because I keep my own from him. Not all, but some. I know I hesitate to dump on him when I feel my emotional cup runneth over. I hesitate to say how bad a day I am having because he might be doing better than me that day, and I hate to take it from him. We lean on each other like we can with no one else. So these little cave man moments of him thinking he is the "Hunter" and I am the "grazer", (old joke.. not funny right now!) are just moments, like so many others we have to live through each day. Even after you finally get the piece of popcorn out from under your gum, it is sore and tender for a while, reminding you it was there. Then just as quickly it is gone and you forget all about it.. until the next time it happens! But we keep eating popcorn, knowing we may have to deal with that minor annoyance. It is worth the risk. Will I annoy Brian again tomorrow?.. probably. Will he annoy me? Probably. In the grand scheme of things, will it matter?.. only for the moment, then it will be gone.. until next time!