A couple weeks ago I painted Alexa's nails and toes with purple glittery nail polish that changes color in the sun. She loved it and got so excited, I got so caught up in her excitement I said.. "I can't wait til you show Mommy your purple nails!" Alexa didn't seem to notice or skip a beat as she went running to show the boys her nails and toes. I felt like someone punched the air out of my lungs. I know better, I know that can't happen, so why did my mind let the thought materialize into actual words? How could I forget for a second that she is gone? I think because the 24 years she was here override the 7 months she has been gone. The brain is a creature of habit and it was an automatic response to Alexa's enthusiasm.
Then today Brian and I were talking about our English Mastiff needing her nails clipped and a good bath and ear cleaning. She is way overdue. My first thought was.."as soon as I can get Kie to help me.." because she always helped me with her or took her to work with her to get treated.
Brian offered to help me with her on Sunday. I could probably handle her alone, but she gets so nervous and it is quicker with 2 people. Anyway, once again, I know she is gone, so why can't my brain catch me before I complete those thoughts? Because with those thoughts, there is the immediate acknowledgment that she is dead. Then the pain & grief come back full force.
I have felt so tired the last few days, Of course I couldn't go to sleep til 3 am last night, but usually I don't feel as tired as I have lately. Tired and... blah, for lack of a better description. So I will go clean the kitchen and try to get some sleep, maybe I can rest my weary mind and body.. and not have those kind of moments as often!
1 comment:
There's a magnet at work that says "when going through hell...keep on going..." I like to finish that thought "eventually you'll come out the other side". I'm here to hand you smores. Love ya
Nance
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