Thank you Brenda..

Brenda spent most of today here at the house. She watched the kids while I was at my therapy appt. and then when I went to pick up the truck from the shop. She usually comes over on Tues. & Thurs. because she has classes on this side of town. Now she isn't the only one who watches the kids, Chad is my right hand when he is around, and Brian trys to pitch in too ( but Brenda has more patience and interaction with the kids than the "guys" do!)

And of course Brianne & Justin are a Godsend when they take them to Church and for the day on Sundays and when they can take them for a couple hours on Wed. nights. Terri, Dwight & Savannah have kept them for days for me before and Greta & Randy have pitched in too. I truly appreciate all their help. Thank you all for being there when I need you.

What made today stand out was her just hanging out. I had a weepy therapy appt. and a rough week. The kids wouldn't take naps, they were shifting between good & cranky. It was loud and chaotic at times. But Brenda hung out most of the day til almost 7 pm. I usually spend my days alone with the kids. She helped and listened and was just "there". We didn't go any where or do anything special, which is how most of my days are. So.. Thank you Brenda!

A spoon full of sugar...

My therapist and I had a long discussion today about my depression being worse than usual this past week, more of the physical symptoms.. lethargy, not caring if I showered( don't worry, I did!) feeling like I could just stay in bed and sleep. I took care of the kids, but did the bare minimum as far as taking care of the house and myself. I also talked about feeling disconnected from everything. All of which she reassured me is normal. She did say I might want to think of trying some medication to help get me over the hump. I feel better the past couple days, and I am not a pill taker, so we will see. One of the questions yesterday was if we had been to any counseling and if we had been prescribed any meds. I asked my therapist what difference that would make and she said perhaps they consider that an indication of how much we are suffering, or how we are coping. I get irritated just thinking about some stranger trying to calculate how much we are suffering! Okay, maybe more than just irritated! Anyway.. I am not so keen on taking meds.. never have been. I won't even take Tylenol PM to help me sleep. I think I worry about taking anything that may actually help numb some of my pain. How easy it might be to take a little extra, or take more often than I should. I have seen what addiction can do. I think I have a healthy concern that it might be too easy to depend on something other than my own strength to get me through. The quote tattooed across my lower back says "Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the strength to conquer it". I guess I should have had it put somewhere I could actually see it!

The legal side of life..

I can't go into detail, which sucks, but doesn't do much good to dwell on anyway... Had a court hearing on the criminal case Monday.. put off again.. no suprise. Not much more going on there til Sept./Oct. Had depositions for the civil case today, Brian finished, I have to go back another time. The questions are repetetive and range from irrelevent to personal. It brought alot back. My impression of the other attorney... hmmm... no comment. There is an ancient quote about if you have nothing nice to say.... On the other hand.. I could go on for hours about our attorney!!

So this week has been a bummer so far. I think that is why I was feeling so blah the past week. I knew it was coming and there is only so much I can fend off.

I have a heart necklace with some of Kierra's ashes in it. I wear it alot. I wore it today. I spent alot of time rubbing it. It was hard not responding to some of the questions Brian was asked, and even harder not to correct mispronunciation, and misinformation when it was used during questioning. But I stared out the window alot and just kept rubbing the "my heart" pendant.

So now it is dark & rainy outside, which seems fitting for my mood. The twins are napping, which they seem to be growing out of, so I will enjoy it while it lasts! Hunter is supposed to be cleaning up the toys he has all over his room, but is beside me playing more than cleaning!

Our lives keep moving forward even as we keep getting pulled back to Kierra's life and ultimately, her death. Like shifting sand beneath our feet, we are constantly trying to balance ourselves. Never quite able to relax and stand on stable ground. I wonder, even after all this legal crap is said and done, if we will ever feel safe & secure with our lives again. If we will ever be able to look ahead without fear. I guess I will try not to think about it too much today. I will think about it tomorrow.. for tomorrow is another day...

Tristan 6 21 2006

more Tristan 6 27 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

I'm King of the World!!

Hunter & Lexie June 21,2006

at the Florida Mall in Orlando ( Long Story!)

Hunter & Lexie June 21,2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Brenda & Tristan

June 27, 2006 at Ollie Koala's

Brenda & Tristan
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Brenda & Alexa

Having fun at Ollie Koala's June 27, 2006

( like Chuck E. Cheese.. without the rat!)

Brenda & Alexa
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Tristan has a hang-up..

I noticed a few months ago that whenever Tristan has a blanket he has to find the tag and hold onto it. I mean EVERY blanket, EVERY time. The only exception is a "no-sew" blanket I made for him back in September or October of last year. But it's fringe is all about "tag size" and he holds onto that. He has continued that habit. Alexa woke up after her day of humming... no humming now. Which is actually a bit of a relief, because it did tend to wear on the nerves!

I have rearranged the play area again. We had some toy box/shelves on the wall where we have a pass through counter to the kitchen. Tristan (and recently copycat Alexa,) started climbing on top of them and climbing over the counter into the kitchen. Nothing seemed to discourage his climbing adventures. So I moved the box/shelves to another wall. So he started pushing their picnic table over to climb on that. So today I attempted to distract them from their self made Mount Everest. I attached a large magnet board and some chalk boards onto that wall and mounted some small bins for the chalk and magnets. I am hoping that will give them something else to do with that wall! I'll let you know how it works out!

We have a Hummer..

Her name is Alexa! For some unknown reason she hummed all day today. She hummed along to songs on her disney shows, and some commercials she knew, but mostly just hummed random tunes. No rhyme or reason. And not occasionally, all day.. no matter what she was doing. The only time she stopped was when she took a nap and when she fell alseep at bedtime tonight. I am curious to see if she continues to hum tomorrow! (Tristan even put his finger to his lips a couple times and told her Shhh!)

The mind is the strangest thing..

A couple weeks ago I painted Alexa's nails and toes with purple glittery nail polish that changes color in the sun. She loved it and got so excited, I got so caught up in her excitement I said.. "I can't wait til you show Mommy your purple nails!" Alexa didn't seem to notice or skip a beat as she went running to show the boys her nails and toes. I felt like someone punched the air out of my lungs. I know better, I know that can't happen, so why did my mind let the thought materialize into actual words? How could I forget for a second that she is gone? I think because the 24 years she was here override the 7 months she has been gone. The brain is a creature of habit and it was an automatic response to Alexa's enthusiasm.

Then today Brian and I were talking about our English Mastiff needing her nails clipped and a good bath and ear cleaning. She is way overdue. My first thought was.."as soon as I can get Kie to help me.." because she always helped me with her or took her to work with her to get treated.

Brian offered to help me with her on Sunday. I could probably handle her alone, but she gets so nervous and it is quicker with 2 people. Anyway, once again, I know she is gone, so why can't my brain catch me before I complete those thoughts? Because with those thoughts, there is the immediate acknowledgment that she is dead. Then the pain & grief come back full force.

I have felt so tired the last few days, Of course I couldn't go to sleep til 3 am last night, but usually I don't feel as tired as I have lately. Tired and... blah, for lack of a better description. So I will go clean the kitchen and try to get some sleep, maybe I can rest my weary mind and body.. and not have those kind of moments as often!

This weekend..

This weekend was a mixture of the sweet and the bitter. Saturday Shelia Brandhuber married Paul Vierling. Shelia's family and ours met while we were all stationed in England with the Air Force. We have watched each other's children grow and tried to be there for all the big events. The wedding was beautiful and the reception was a good time had by all. Shelia's colors were purple and ivory. I thought alot about Kierra. She should have been there..

Then yesterday was Father's Day. Between Brian losing his father last year and then losing Kierra, Brian didn't really want to acknowledge the day. I felt the same way about Mother's Day. He had the day off ( forcibly, his police car was in the shop!). So later in the day we went over to Harold & Diane's. It was their 35th wedding anniversary. We stayed for dinner and late into the night (Leslie brought me lobsters from Maine!). We reminisced about old stories.. and heard a few new ones! I can't remember the last time we laughed like that. I laughed til I cried! (ROFLMAO!) It felt good. We don't get to see them very often, so Shelia's wedding weekend helped us reconnect. There are alot of people we have drifted away from. Not intentionally, but life is different for us now. Brianne had the kids most of the day yesterday, then Chad put them to bed for us. We can't just get up and go like we used to. Child care for 3 kids is expensive and hard to find. We don't have any friends who have small children anymore. So we are out in left field most of the time between having the kids to tend to and Brian having to work so much to take care of all of us. So we make the most of the time we get to have with friends and family. I hope you all appreciate each other out there. It is too easy to take friendships for granted. We love you all!

Choices..

This week seems to be all about choices. I just read an e-mail from someone close to Kie about the choices they wish they had made, and how the choices they chose affected so many things. I think about choices people make, thinking they aren't such a big deal, but they devestate someone else. Some choices are made without thinking at all, or with any specific intention, but can have such tragic outcomes. How often we make choices without concern for the ripple effect it will have for someone else. I think about the choices Kierra made the day she was killed, and the choices that bastard made. Look how many people have been affected by the choices of someone none of us even knows!

Choices aren't just about the big decisions. They are choices in things we say, things we do, every moment of every day. Something as simple as a kind word or act to a stranger at the grocery store could change how they treat someone else that day. Not saying I love you to someone you care about, and never seeing that person again. From the most simple to the most important, it is a momentary click in your brain, a momentary choice that could change so much..

Arabic Proverb..

A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff & grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.

You don't really know me..

I am not who I used to be,

I am not who you knew..

You don't really know me,

you just think you do..

_________________

I once was a woman

with hopes and dreams..

I now am a woman

with life torn at the seams..

_________________

You think I am strong

and I do everything right..

You don't see me crying

in the dark of the night..

_________________

My weakest of moments

come more than you think..

My darkest of moments

take me to the brink..

_________________

I live on the edge

much closer than you know..

I live in a world

alone wherever I go..

_________________

I am not who I used to be

I am not who you knew..

You don't really know me

you just think you do..

I close my eyes..

I see so clearly the tiniest of hands,

reaching out to grasp my finger,

the smoothest of skin,

the silkiest of fuzz for hair.. I close my eyes

______________________________

I see so clearly the prettiest of smiles,

filling her face from ear to ear,

eyes twinkling with excitement,

eager to start her first day of school.. I close my eyes

_____________________________________

I see so clearly the brightest of stars,

shining on the stage,

her 1st dance recital,

she was beauty and grace.. I close my eyes

______________________________

I see so clearly the best of cheerleaders,

on the JV squad,

laughing with her friends,

making the most of high school.. I close my eyes

__________________________________

I see so clearly the strongest of women,

carrying twins to the healthiest birth,

to give them the best chance at life,

her proudest moment.. I close my eyes

___________________________

I see so clearly the truest of hearts,

tears choking him as he tells of her death,

a father's love torn from his life,

so senseless, so tragic.. I close my eyes

___________________________

I see so clearly the loveliest of faces,

so real I reach out to touch her cheek,

a thousand memories flood my mind,

from first heartbeat to last.. I close my eyes

I see..

I see a Mother..

learning about the child within,

yearning for the life about to begin.

I see a Mother..

knowing this love is like no other,

growing from a woman to a mother.

I see a Mother..

trying to face the worst of her fears,

crying her unconsolable tears.

I see.. myself.

Kierra Newborn & 3 months

Kierra Newborn & 3 months
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

I was so young. Kierra saved me, in so many unexplainable ways. I could bear the pain of her birth a thousand times and not come close to how this pain of her death wears on me, tears me down, makes the simplest of tasks an unsurmountable hurdle. I go through the motions of each day, some harder than others, some easier. All without Kierra..and it F~ ing sucks!

Life Ain't Always Beautiful..

My SISTER-in-law, Lisa, sent this to me in an e-mail,

Genre/Lang. : Country Gary Allan

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard.
Life can knock you down,
It can break your heart.

Life ain't always beautiful:
You think you're on your way.
And it's just a dead end road,
At the end of the day.

But the struggles make you stronger,
And the changes make you wise.
And happiness has it's own way,
Of takin' it's sweet time.

No, life aint always beautiful.
Tears will fall sometimes.
Life aint always beautiful,
But it's a beautiful ride.

Life aint always beautiful:
Some days, I miss your smile.
I get tired of walkin' all,
These lonely miles.

And I wish for just one minute,
I could see your pretty face.
Guess I can dream,
But life dont work that way.

But the struggles make me stronger,
And the changes make me wise.
And happiness has it's own way,
Of takin' it's sweet time.

No, life aint always beautiful.
But I know I'll be fine.
Hey, life ain't always beautiful,
But it's a beautiful ride.
What a beautiful ride.

Moms & Daughters June 5 2005

Moms & Daughters June 5 2005
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

The Bride & the Ring Bearer

The Bride & the Ring Bearer
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Hunter got out of his tuxedo pretty quick, but was still the Bride's "little man"!

Mother and The Bride

Mother and The Bride
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

One year ago today.. now the Bride is about to become a mother and the mother is about to become Gramma!! Amazing how life transforms us!

Britt & Tommy, The Day before their wedding..

Britt & Tommy, The Day before their wedding..
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

At Brianne's reception..One of my favorites of them.. They got married the day after Brianne & Justin,, what a weekend that was!

What a beautiful Bride!

bri 8 x 10
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

We are so proud of her..

Family Joke.. they got me!

funny 3
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Notice "Angelic" Kierra acting all innocent!

Brianne with Justin

Brianne's Wedding 06-04-05 Greg's 083
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Of all the pix, this is one of my favorites of them together. She is taking a breath, closing her eyes..leaning against him.. they are man & wife..

Always my Baby Girl

after 16
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

No matter how old she gets.. (or how tall!) She will always be my baby girl!

Proud Daddy, Beautiful Baby..

8 X 10 bw
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

They danced to "Baby Mine" by Bette Midler at the reception.. we all cried!

A year ago today..

prep 8
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Hard to believe so much time has gone by.. What beautiful girls!
This was at Terri's, ready to go to the Castle!

My Hamster Wheel..

My hamster wheel is on autopilot. I just keep running and running and don't care where I go. I am busy with Shelia's wedding, which I love doing! I am busy with JACKPOTT and multiple projects through them. And as always I am busy with the kids and the house. I think I am trying to convince myself that if I stay super busy the next week will be easier.. don't I know better yet?! Be forewarned the blog for the next week or so may be pretty depressing.

I keep dreaming that I am pregnant with Kierra. I feel the first flutters of movement, and then the rolling and kicking she did the last few months before she was born. In my dream I rest my hands on my stomach full of life.. then in a flash it's gone, she is gone and I am laying there all alone. I know it is because her birthday is Friday. Yet knowing why doesn't lessen the unimaginable grief I feel as fresh and new as the day she was taken from us. So no matter how busy I make my waking hours, my mind does as it wishes with me in my sleep. As much as I focus on the good and the happy, how much I try to remember her laugh and her smile.. in my slumber I can not hold back the pain or the tears, nor can I stop the flood of emotion my dreams create. So I sleep as little as possible and when I am awakened by the pain of my grief, I don't allow myself to go back to sleep, to go back to that dark world where I am all alone and no one can help me, where no one can stop the dreams or the pain. Yes, I am tired, some days exhausted, but I can handle tired, I can handle exhausted.. I can't always handle the pain..

Remember the good..

Just last week I got a phone call from Jessie Miller ( she is Jessie Aquino now, expecting her 2nd child.. but she will always be Jessie MIller to me!) because she had just seen one of the blogs about Kierra and didn't know what had happened. I tried to reach her in November, but we had been out of touch and none of the info I had was any good. I think she & Kierra were about 6 or 7 years old when they met. We lived across from each other in base housing in New York. They were fast friends. It was very hard for them when it was time for our families to move on to another Air Force base. Then when we were in England they moved across from us again! They were inseperable. Which made it even harder when it was time to move again. They always kept in touch until they drifted apart the past couple years. It was and still is a shock for Jessie and her family. I know how fresh the pain still feels for me even after all these months. I keep telling her to hold onto the good. There are so many memories to enjoy. There are always tears, but don't let them take over and wash away the happiness and laughter. Kierra's laugh was infectious, I can still hear it... so remember that.. and so much more.

Lexie 18 months Aug. 2005

This was a photo taken when the twins were 18 months old. Kierra & I decided not to get it then because there wasn't a good one of Tristan to go with it. The photo place holds the negatives for 12 months, so I reviewed them all recently and decided this was too good not to keep!

Lexie 18 months Aug. 2005
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Twins 6 2 2006

Twins 6 2 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Today at the zoo's splash and play area. Tristan runs right through the water, but Lexie tip toes and won't get soaked! They are water babies.. we will have to set up the pool this weekend. I was worried taking all 3 by myself, but they did great. I refuse to stay home and stare at 4 walls all day!

Pre-K Grad May 15, 2006

Pre-K Grad May 15, 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Our little man..

Twins Swimsuit 4 7 2006

Twins Swimsuit 4 7 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

They caught this pic just as they both were jumping out of the boat, they refused to do the surfboard!

Easter All Three 4/7/2006

Easter All Three 4/7/2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

I forgot to post this and some other pix, don't forget to click on any photo and view the whole photo gallery, there are lots more pix!
(Alexa's hair was so pretty before they got running around and playing before this picture got taken!)