You are not alone..

I have tried to share what I am thinking, feeling, going through, with all of you who have been reading this. I have tried to be open & honest. I have let you go with me into some pretty emotional areas. But I have never really shared the darkest part of all this. I have been hesitant to go too far. I do not want to add to anyone's pain. I do not want to worry or frighten those who care about me, but can't fully understand what it can be like.

The reason I am saying this now is because I have a younger sister, Cricket, who shared a part of herself on her blog yesterday and it was one of the bravest things I have ever seen. It has been on my mind ever since. I have several people close to me who suffer from depression. Real depression. Not "today sucked and sappy movies make me cry" depressed, but unhinged, darkest depths, fathomless depression. The word suffer doesn't explain what it puts you through. And the ones who say "get over it", or "you just need to snap out of it", or "everyone gets depressed, what's the big deal?"... they have no clue, and blissfully, for them, don't know what it is like.

I know there have been times over the years when I have been seriously depressed. But never to the degree I have been at times since Kierra's death. I am fortunate. That may sound odd, but some of you understand. I have seen a therapist for about 3 years now. It was for an evaluation for some medical documentation I needed a few years ago. I kept going after the evaluation because it was great to have someone to vent to, to say whatever I wanted to say about anyone and everyone without censorship. Little did I know it would save me now. I doubt I could have opened up as easily if I had to see someone who didn't know me or some of the people in my life already. I am fortunate because I do not suffer from clinical, or manic depression. But I have cared for, and personally know, people who do. And to have dealt with it myself the times I have, I can tell you, it is not something we choose. I don't wake up and decide that today I am going to lose control of my emotions. I don't make a concious decision that I am going to fall into such a deep, dark place that I will question taking even one more breath. It doesn't seem worth it to take a shower or comb my hair. The effort to dress, cook, clean, to function at all, seems insurmountable. And that description barely scrapes the surface. Some people find relief in medication. I have never been a pill taker, and have found other ways to bring myself to a manageable level. If not, I would take whatever I needed to in order to care for my family. That is why I continue to see my shrink. It can be hormonal ( no, it isn't always just PMS!), or even a chemical inbalance. There are alot of causes and remedies. Each person needs to do what works for them. The point is..don't suffer alone. Don't discount, or disregard how you feel. And if someone you care about suffers from depression, try to learn about it, try to find what, if anything, they need from you during that time. It may be nothing more than knowing you are trying to understand. It isn't something that can just be turned off, so don't think they have much control over how bad it is, or how long it will last. I haven't shared this to freak anyone out or make you all worry about me. I have shared it because I care about all of you, and I won't let my little sister, or anyone else, think they are alone in this...