Finding the Light..

I remember finding out I was pregnant with Kierra. I had gone to the clinic to refill my birth control pills ( HaHa). They always did a test first. Mine came back positive. I was shocked and scared, even more so when my boyfriend's reaction wasn't so great. He wanted me to "get rid of it". We were living together and I didn't think I had anywhere else to go. But I could not bring myself to terminate the pregnancy. It made for some pretty heavy arguments, and life was far from easy. We ended up getting married. I don't think we really wanted to as much as we thought we had to. I was 17, we wanted to move out of state and our mothers were far from happy about the situation. I was 6 months pregnant when we moved. Indiana was not a good experience for me. My husband had influences there that only exaggerated his already unpredictable moods. His family did not like me and the feeling was mutual. I clung to the thought that at least my child would love me and I would not be so alone any more. I took long walks and talked to my unborn baby. I prayed for a girl. I tried to stay calm and give her the best chance at life that I could. I didn't have anyone there to tell me what to do or what to expect. Kierra was born 6 days after her due date. Her birth was long and painful. But all that seemed to dim when I was told I had a healthy baby girl. My prayers had been answered. Her name was supposed to be Kira Michelle. But her father couldn't pronounce it without it coming out Kiara. So in the hospital I changed it to Kierra. I didn't like Michelle with that, so I played with names until Lee seemed to fit best. Of course I was young and didn't realize that was the masculine spelling, but it just added to her individuality. Some think having Kierra so young "ruined" my life. She saved my life. I would not have left Indiana when I did if it had not been to protect her. The months after that, she gave me a reason to work hard and hang on. She loved me and I was not alone. I realize it took going through all of that to get us to where we needed to be to meet Brian and to have the life we have had. Honestly, I have thought what if I had made different choices, would she still be here? I don't think so. I think I would have lost her sooner. There have been a few times I was afraid, truly afraid for her life. Like all of us, some of her choices weren't the best, or safest. I cherish every moment of her life. The good, the bad, and the indifferent. I have flashes of intense anger when I think.. I have to live the rest of my life without my child. Her children have to live without their mother. Each child of mine has such a different relationship with each other. Brianne has lost her only sister, it took them growing up to find their special connection. Chad & Hunter have both lost their oldest sister and the special bond they had with her. Brian has lost the child that wasn't born to love him, but chose to love him and claim him as her father beyond anyone else. He was her Daddy. I have lost my first born child. No, not my only child. I am blessed to have all my children. I would grieve as greatly for each and every one. But please don't comment that "At least you have your other children", or " You haven't really lost her, she is with you in your heart, or in her spirit.. ". Those words do not comfort me. They do not lessen my pain. As well intentioned as they may be, they do nothing for me right now. I can feel her heartbeat when I close my eyes, I can smell her scent when she was a baby. I can see her face as she grew, and see her smile in every thought of her. But her touch has been robbed from me. Her skin against mine as she hugged me has been stolen from me. Her voice in my ear as she told me her secrets can never be heard again. She is gone and the rest of my life will carry that void, that gaping black hole. Yes, I am in that black hole now, and when I am done typing I will drag myself back out of it. But there are times nothing can keep me from it's edge, and I need to go into the darkness of it to purge myself and see my way back to the light, the light that is my life and my family, and my friends. And what will always be... My life without Kierra.