There are moments..

Moments are just a fraction of time, an instant that is gone just as quickly as it came. Yet some moments are more powerful than you can imagine..

Greta, Brianne & I took the twins to Downtown Disney in Oralndo. We were hoping to get the twin's picture taken with Santa Claus like we did last year. No such luck! They both were okay from a distance, but when it came time to get close to the jolly old man in red, they were not having it. Alexa pulled her limp rag routine and tried to slide off his lap, and Tristan just got loud and cranky. We may try again with Hunter at the mall later this week, we'll see.

On the way there I played a song I recently found for Brianne.. it is called "She's a Butterfly" by Martina McBride. I played it for Brianne in the car. It is so "her". She cried when she heard the words. I heard Brianne sing in Church last night and was so proud of my baby girl. She got that whole church up on their feet. The Martina McBride song is about a girl finding her wings and getting her colors when she learns to sing.. Brianne shone brighter than I have ever seen her when she sang last night. I have seen her sing before , but this was different.. this was the "moment" my little girl became a passionate woman in my eyes. Passionate about her singing and passionate about her faith. She was beyond beautiful.

We did some shopping and had lunch at the Rainforest Cafe. Alot of things reminded me of Kierra. She loved going there, but they were good thoughts, and I did okay. Then we went into a candy shop and I decided to get some things for Christmas stockings.. I started to grab some little bags of chocolate coins. I reached in and grabbed four, mentally counting how many I would need. Then came the "moment".. my hand froze and my throat closed.. I realized I would not need one for Kierra, not this year or any other year. My heart sank and I swallowed hard. A few tears came and I moved forward to something else. Greta was there and saw I was upset, I told her it was a habit to grab 4 of everything, I did it almost without thinking. Then my thoughts reminded me how different things are now.

We had a long drive home between traffic, dirty diapers, hungry babies, and lots of pitstops, but it was a good day. We put the babies to bed when we got home since they fell asleep in the car. Hunter was already asleep on the couch so I got him settled too. As I put him in bed he hugged my neck and said " I sure did miss you today Mom, but I did what I do when I miss Kierra.. I just closed my eyes and I saw your face, just like I see hers." I told him I missed him too and I loved him sooo much. He told me he loved me, gave me a kiss and then fell right back to sleep.

All was quiet for a while, then Alexa woke up crying. I went in to settle her down. I tucked her back in and reached down to kiss her good night, and then came the moment..

For people with children and even some without their own children, you will understand..
there is a moment when you cradle a baby or hold a child in your arms... you lean down to kiss the top of their head.. just as your face touches them, you close your eyes and take a breath as you kiss them. That is the moment.. that instant when you take in their scent, absorb their essence, and for that brief instant time freezes, the bond is tangible, you can feel it. That moment came when I kissed Alexa. Now I have had that moment with her before, many times, as with Tristan, Hunter, all my children. What made this moment different was the flash of Deja Vu..of time gone by. In that instant, it was Kierra's soft hair, her smell. Now my logical mind knows it wasn't, but my heart broke just the same. I gently touched Alexa's face and left the room before I broke down. It came to me after awhile that I have dreamt about those moments with Kierra alot since she died. Usually just before I wake up. The mind is a powerful thing. My dreams seem so real. I have kissed Alexa's head many times since Kierra died and never had that reaction. And I will continue to do so, because that is what I do. But these are the moments that suprise me, that catch me off guard. The moments that remind me the pain is still there, still strong, and I can't stop it.