It is quiet, almost too quiet.. the twins are at Auntie Terri's and Hunter is with Brianne. I am sorting through some of the boxes of Kierra's things and trying to get some Christmas gifts finished and wrapped. The house is so full of our things, Kierra's things, kid's things.. this house isn't supposed to be this full! We got a smaller house because all the kids were older and we didn't need so much room.. then along came Hunter, and now Tristan & Alexa. Chad is still home, along with 2 dogs and a rabbit.. our house runneth over.
Brian & I had dinner together tonight. He is acting supervisor at work so he gets to decide when he wants his dinner break. It was nice, although we tried a new place and it was mediocre at best. But the company was superb. We have been warned that grief can pull people apart. Brian and I have been drawing toward each other so much. We don't even need to speak and we can see when we need each other. It isn't always easy, and I know it won't always be, but I know I could not bear this without him.
We had Hunter's birthday party at Dave & Buster's today. He said he doesn't want to have anymore parties because Kierra can't come to them. I told him she would want him to have fun and enjoy his birthday. Like with us, it comes and goes with him. He did have fun and got some cool presents. His Nana & Pop-Pop were there, my neice Jennifer and her two boys, Katie & Cody with their mom, Lisa, came too. We had lunch, cake, and played games until it was time for Hunter to go to his dress rehearsal for the church Christmas play.
It is hard to answer some of Hunter's questions about Kierra's death and his concern and confusion about God. He doesn't understand why she went to Heaven when she wasn't old or sick. He is seeing a therapist for grief counseling and we are trying to let him talk about it whenever he needs to. This has changed us all, and even the simplest things are different. How we see things, how we feel about everything..
There are a few songs that seem to tug at our hearts the most.. of course the song we played at her memorial, "Fly" by Celine Dion, "Who would you be today" by Kenny Chesney, "When I get to where I'm going" by Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton, "I'll be Missing You" by Sean (P. Diddy) Combs..definitely a Kierra version! Then there are songs I can't listen to at all yet.. "In my Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride, & "Butterfly Kisses".
I bought the newest CD by Kierra's favorite artist, Usher, and play it sometimes in the car. The babies enjoy it, and there are a few really good songs on it.. I got the edited version! She would get a kick out of that.. I try to do things with the babies that I know she did.. Hip Hop Music.. belly raspberries.. splashing until we are all soaked when they take a bath.. laying on blankets on the floor surrounded by pillows to watch disney movies.. reading books.. acting out the itsy bitsy spider.. and singing off key.. there are lots more, and I will remember more as we go. They are my link to her, and I will be theirs.
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