Hard To Believe...

Hard to believe it has been over a month since I last posted.. I think Facebook is my mini blog! Hard to believe Chad is in Hawaii & has been gone with the Army for almost a year & a half. Hard to believe Brianne & Justin just celebrated their 5th wedding anniversary on the 4th! Hard to believe the twin's have completed kindergarten & will be in 1st grade this fall! Hard to believe Hunter will be in the double digits (10) when he has his birthday this year! Hard to believe I worked at a real job for the first time in 6 years today!
Even harder to believe Wednesday would be Kierra's 29th birthday. I can't help but think of it. So much is going on, things seem to fly by with the speed of light, yet when I think of her birth, her death, things seem to move in slow motion. I feel cheated that I can't think of the first without the last. I can't revisit the joy of her birth, of her life, without the pain of her death following so close behind.
This is life without Kierra. It isn't easier, we have just learned to cope better. I shared with someone else who was grieving recently that we have to allow ourselves the bad days that come. We have to allow ourselves the moments that break our hearts all over again... like when I am dreaming of her & the alarm goes off.. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter to hold onto her just a second longer rather than open them & lose her again. Like when one of her children laughs out loud with their face full of her smile & I have to choke back the tears as she looks out of their faces.
I am thinking of releasing some clear ballons with little messages to her on Wednesday afternoon.. Hunter has an appt. with his therapist in Ponte Vedra, it is close to the beach. The clear ballons are because the sea turtles think popped colored ballons are jellyfish & eat them, they suffocate from them & die.. Kie wouldn't like that. It's that kind of little thing that pops into my mind unexpectedly, but that's OK. She was part of my life before she was born, & she will be until I take my last breath. Life without her.. hard to believe..