Wakey, Wakey.. I'm awake!

I have really struggled the past couple weeks with how to share what I have been going through. I have started several times then stopped & deleted several times. So I am determined this time to jump in with both feet & get through it!
I am not sure exactly when I realized I was not myself anymore. I knew I had been moody, angry, on edge. I knew I intended to do things, but they never got done. I did all the things I needed to do to care for the kids, but next to nothing to care for myself. I would get the kids off to school, come home, sit on the couch or in one of the chairs, then be amazed that it was time to pick them up. I wasn't sleeping the day away, I was just staring at the television losing hours at a time. Hindsight is 20/20.I can see looking back, but not when it was happening. I finally made an appt. with my doctor. I was at a point I had never been to before. A dear friend had shared issues she had following her hysterectomy. That seemed like such a relief that it could be something that simple.
My Dr. spent alot of time with me at that appt. We talked about everything that had been happening in my life since my surgery last May. She believes I may have some mild symptoms due to hormones, but she firmly believes I was in a severe depression.
That seemed strange to me considering it has been over 4 years since Kierra's death. How could I be more depressed than I was when she died?? I had worked so hard to cope & be strong & do what needed to be done for my family.
August 25th, 2009 my brother-in-law & one of my dearest friends both died within 2 hours of each other. Randy had been very ill for the previous year & was diagnosed as terminal a short time before his death. Debbie had been unexpectedly hospitalized & declined quickly. It is hard to compare the 3 losses. There is no comparison. Each one was devestating for me in their own individual ways. I had been on autopilot since Kierra's death. Keeping myself busy & involved in so many things that I did not have time to let myself truly open that wound & let it heal. I cannot imagine it ever truly healing. So when my mind tried to process losing Randy & Debbie at the same time, it again tried to put me on autopilot, forging ahead like before. The flaw in that was that no matter how determined my mind was to ignore it, my body responded of it's own accord. I began to sleep less & less. I became more & more disinterested in the things I once enjoyed. I became oblivious to the things I left undone around me. I put on my happy face when necessary, but even that began to require energy I didn't have. I missed meetings for the cooking club, multiples group, school groups. I slowly removed myself from almost any social situation.
It took all I had to care for the children & try to function in what I thought was a normal world.
My Dr. not only insisted I try medication, but felt it was my only option. I have had an aversion to taking pills. Having exposure to several addicts in my life, I have always shied away from any meds that would blur my senses, or make me unaware. That seems funny now when I can look back & see how unaware I was for several months.
Taking the meds was almost immediately like waking from a deep sleep, or like fog clearing & being able to see what is right in front of you.. I was shocked to see how many things I had let slide, or completely forgotten about. Our house was by no means in a state that was unhealthy, but it was not how I was used to it being. I spent the first week cleaning & getting rid of alot of stuff. There are a number of projects I have left undone or only partially finished. But I am getting there.
I am trying to not dwell on what I haven't done, but keep moving forward to doing what needs to be done. I know it will take time. I know I will still have days when I will just want to do nothing but cry. My meds aren't magic. They aren't going to make me happy all the time. They do make me more aware, more motivated to get things done. I have enjoyed my children, my family, my dogs, my horses.. especially the horses.. more than I have in months. But I am not a zombie.. I am not so high that I can't function. Actually I don't feel "high" at all.. I feel awake, alive.. and glad to be. That may be the biggest change of all..