Bad Blogger, no donut!

I have been a bad blogger! I'm not sure why I have been avoiding putting my thoughts in print. I do know that I have been in a fog. I barely decorated or celebrated Halloween, skipped over Thanksgiving at our house completely, & have been procrastinating getting out the Christmas decorations & tree. I just signed & sent out some Christmas cards yesterday. I usually have them ready to mail the day after Thanksgiving!

I have not just been putting off my blog. I have been putting off life in general. I was just getting into a place of mental health & well being about Kierra's death when Randy & Deb both died.. on the same day.. just 2 hours apart. Add in my accident & a few other stresses & I just shut down, shut out everything that required my personal energy or attention. I have been taking care of the kids & the minimum functions of every day life, but that's about it.

Hunter & I left the day before Thanksgiving & went to my parent's in Tennessee. Then we went to the horse ranch in Georgia. Hunter stayed a few days, then he went home (via Terri, Thank You!). I had a couple days alone, then Bri came up for the weekend. Last Sunday, the 6th, I came home. It was a much needed break. In some ways it recharged me, but not like it used to, or maybe this time my battery was just too low for a full recharge. But it was good for me. Thanks to Brian, Bri, Greta & Terri (& her gang!) for helping with the kids & making it possible for me to go at all!

Coming home I find I am different. Things have been different for Brian & I, so that is yet another change. I think it is all a part of the same issue. Life has been torn apart for us & we are still trying to mend the tears. It is an ongoing process. Then add more losses that shred us emotionally all over again. It can't be helped, there is nothing anyone can do. It is just the way our lives are now.

I know there has to be another side to all this. We are working on making some changes that will help us deal with it all a little differently. We are okay, just a bit tattered & tired. This time of year is always hard, and this year even more so than the years before. My ability to absorb it all & forge ahead full force has diminished. I have to accept that I am not the person I was before. I have to accept that I cannot fix anything for anyone else when I have my own damages to deal with. When even seemingly simple tasks overwhelm me it is time for me to step back & reorganize & prioritize what I do & how I do it.

Change is not, & never has been, easy for me. I have an auto defense mechanism that rebels against it. There were times I have been conflicted with myself over a change that was out of my control. I am learning to curb that. Trying to anyway!

So I am keeping more to myself while I sort it all out. I am keeping more to my home & family to give us the time we need to heal, to find what works for us. I am keeping more to my heart & less to my journals. That part wasn't intentional & hasn't necessarily been a good thing. I need to share, I need to let it out. So here I am, once again, spilling myself onto the printed page. Sorry for my absence, & for not having much good or positive to share. It is what it is, but I am working on that, I promise!