My War with Words..

It has been odd, but I have not been able to blog. I have sat here several times without being able to type a single word. Other times I would type then delete. I am not sure even now what I have to say.
Words will not change the past few weeks. They can not change the grief & pain of those I love. I went to St. Pete & sat with my friend, Debbie for 2 nights & almost 3 days. She was in ICU until the morning of August 25th when she died there. I was not able to get back down there & words can't change that for me.
I was driving home from St. Pete. the night of Aug. 18th when 10 minutes from home I fell asleep at the wheel & wrecked my car. I woke up in time to avoid hitting a telephone pole, but hit a cement culvert instead. I am fine, my car is not. It isn't totalled but will be out of commision for at least another 2-3 weeks. I bruised my face on the steering wheel, but truly am okay & was very fortunate to walk away. The only casualty was a pigmy rattle snake I dragged under my car & decapitated. (The insurance guy found it under my car when he did the estimate.. wish I could have seen his face & heard those words!)
Randy went into the final stages of his life and was admitted to a hospice facility Sunday the 23rd of August.. Mada's day.. I had taken the kids to Disney with Terry M. for a last day of summer fun before they started school on the 24th. All I could think of was that I could not be out of town (on a Sunday as well) when someone else I loved died! That was a selfish thought but it was present throughout my day. Words could not calm that fear.
Late Monday night I went to be with Greta & Randy at the Hospice facility. He was in a state of coma/sleep that he did not wake from. I stayed until about 4 am in the early hours of Tuesday morning. I had just left to go home when I got the call that Debbie was gone. Her family had held out hope until the very end. There were some very hard decisions that they had to make & despite all their efforts she just couldn't fight anymore. I wish there were something I could say that would ease their pain. But I know from experience that words are hollow when your heart is breaking. Words can not change that she is gone from their lives.
I got home & crawled into my bed about 5 am. My phone was on vibrate so I did not get the call from Greta that Randy had died at about 6:10 am. She finally called Terry M. & I got the call as I was getting the kids out the door to school. I was already grieving for Deb, so wasn't suprised that I felt numb at the news. It took me a while to let my grief for Randy come.. I jumped into my day & tried to hold it at bay. I wasn't very successful & it won out. Grief has a way of doing that. Words don't make it any less persistent.
Randy's Memorial Service was this past Saturday, the 29th of August. He will have another one up in North Carolina next Sunday, September 6th. It has been hard to watch my sister watch her husband die. To watch her make all the arrangements for the end of his life. It is harder still to watch the pain of her grief. I can't say I know how she feels, because although I know the pain of grief intimately, I do not know her pain. But I can hurt for her & feel so utterly helpless to ease that devestating strike of lightening each time she is reminded that he is gone. I had not been to their home since his death until yesterday. Chad came home for the service & wanted to say goodbye before his flight back. Chad was joking around with Greta in the front yard so I ran into the house to grab my camera. As I ran in I yelled.. "Hey Randy.. you've got to see this pic..." and it struck me what I had said, & that he wasn't there. Why does our mind let us do that?? I will never understand how we can be so cruel to ourselves. How the intricate masterpiece that is our brain can let you do that, let that thought even form into words..words that cannot change that he is gone.
Almost 4 years of life without her.. I still do that with Kierra from time to time. The pain is almost as great as the first time it struck me that she was gone. Fall is coming, it used to be my favortie time of year. I brace myself for her favorite, Halloween, to go on without her.. then the anniversary of her death, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then the Twin's birthday. Fall is taken over by my heart's Winter season. My season of numbing my heart from the pain of grief so I can give the kid's the season of celebration that it all should be. Words do not make that any easier.
Obviously my words have not escaped me.. I just wasn't sure how letting them out would feel. I wasn't sure I was up to the battle between my words & my emotions. I may have won the battle this time, but the war wages on!