Havin' a bad day

I was going to blog at 4 am, but thought it better not to. I am not in a very good mood today. But now I think you get what you get, my mood is not improving, and one of the things I do here is try to be honest. Maybe I'll be in a better mood tomorrow. Lord knows, I've been here before!
I go to my pain doc today. He will give me some shots in my neck to help me feel better. There are some pains a needle can't reach. And it isn't always about Kierra either.
I grew up with a father who waited 27 years to tell me he loved me. Did he love me? Of course. But I doubted it often, and always wondered what lacked in me that he couldn't say it. Was knowing he loved me enough? Not always.
It isn't so different when you are the person to always say I love you first. (On the phone when they say.. "Okay, Love ya, gotta go" doesn't count for me.) You sometimes wonder what lacks in you that they don't say it just because they feel it. That they only say it in response to you saying it first. And sometimes, they don't even say it then. I'm not talking occasionally. I am talking ... EVER. I am the type of person to keep track! So when something else upsets or hurts me, this just stands out more. He says it to the kids with no problem, just not to me. So that's a good thing, a break in the cycle for them anyway.
Brian & I come from very critical, difficult childhoods. I think an after effect of that is we are critical people. It also makes us, well me anyway, need reassurance. Acknowledgement that I have done something good/right. It chips away at me when I don't get that. To say " That's good, but could be better." is the same to me as .. you didn't do good enough. To say.. "that's great, but you didn't do this.. is the same to me as.. you didn't do good enough. After enough times of hearing that.. I figure why bother.. it won't be good enough. It doesn't, in anyway, motivate me to work harder or better. Negative re-enforcement never does. And once again, he doesn't do that so much with the kids.. just me.
Brian has been busting his butt working on putting the kids playground together in every spare minute he has had. I have tried to help when & where I can. He had some hassles with things not lining up last night. I stayed outside to help him, I told him what a great job he had done, how much the kids were going to love it. I thanked him for working so hard on it. I don't think it is too much to ask to get the same consideration once in a while.
Yes, my mind rationalizes.. it's his back ground, it's his military training, he's tired, he's stressed. I know & understand all that. Does it hurt my feelings less? NO. He's a great dad, the most awesome Papa. He works way too hard and way too much to provide for us. And on most other counts, he is a wonderful husband. I love him. Here's the part that kept me awake last night..
Do I think he loves me? Yes
But I doubt it often and wonder what is lacking in me that he can't say it first.
Is knowing he loves me enough? Not always
So I 've come full circle.. is that supposed to be a good thing?