Thursday, August 31, 2006
I've Fallen Off The Wagon!
But I have myself convinced it is for good reason! Let me clarify. I fell off the E-bay wagon. See, similar to an alcoholic.. I am a self-confessed shopaholic. Ask anyone who knows me, they can confirm it. I have been so good about staying away from E-bay. Then I started playing around with it to sell some things for Greta. While I was trying to get that sorted out I happened to look for some Disney dress up clothes for Alexa so she could stop dressing up like "the thing". Woo-Hoo! I won the auction for a sleeping beauty and snow white outfit along with 2 other non-descript outfits. I also won the auction for a 3 piece corduroy Disney Princess fall outfit. I also won the auction for a purple princess warm-up suit. I didn't really expect to win them all! I hadn't thought about it in a few days, forgot when the auctions ended.. until I got notice I won the costumes. Then when I went on to pay for that, it showed the fall outfit was ending in a few minutes.. well I had competition for that outfit.. I should have let it go, but I tend to be a bit competitive.. just a bit. Needless to say, I won. Then while I was dealing with that, the other one ended and I won that too! I am watching a Jasmine dress up outfit for Lexie and a pair of Buzz Lightyear jeans for Tristan, but haven't bid on those yet, they end next week. But see how easy it is?! Boy's clothes are few and far between.. I guess that's a good thing! I will post pix of Alexa all dressed up when the clothes get here! So if I call you in the middle of the night to say I am craving E-bay and just can't stop myself... just tell me to step away from the computer.. step slowly away..
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
F.Y.I. (things you may or may not know!)
*I can have a good day without being devastated by guilt. (and that's OK!)
*My favorite color is still Hot Pink, although I like Purple too, as a reminder of Kie.
*I also like faeries as a reminder of Kie, but I am not collecting them.
*I am not collecting Dolphins either!
*I still cry at times without warning.
*My memories make me smile now more than they make me cry.
*I still miss Kierra every moment of every day.
*I can see Kierra in her children without it breaking my heart every time. (although it still breaks my heart she isn't here to see it herself..)
*I find it sad so many of her friends have faded away from seeing the kids.
*There are times I am still angry at God. (I don't need preaching about how wrong that is.. thanks anyway!)
*I don't expect, or want, anyone to feel they have to walk on eggshells around me, I don't mind talking about Kie, but I am also capable of talking about lots of other things.
*There are a select few who I am truly mad at/ disappointed in.. they know who they are! So if you are worried it may be you, ask me, don't avoid me!
*Tristan & Alexa are in size 2-3T..tops & shorts size 2T still works, but pants and PJs are size 3T. *Hunter is wearing Size 5 pants & shorts. Size 6 PJs, and size 6 shirts.
*Tristan wears a 7 1/2 WIDE shoe, regular width shoes are too tight on his chubby feet! *Alexa wears size 7 shoes. *Hunter wears size 12 shoes.
*Tristan's favorite Disney Character right now is Buzz Lightyear.
*Alexa's favorite Disney Character changes.. who ever she thinks is "pretty" at the moment. *Hunter's favorite Disney Character is Jack Sparrow.. Super hero.. Superman
*Tristan & Alexa really like the shows "Dragon Tales" and "Little Einsteins".
*Kierra could not stand Barbie, so we get Lexie Disney Princess things instead.
*I can not stand "Barney", so other than rare exposure in other homes.. they don't watch that show!
*Hunter refers to the twins more as his brother & sister now than him being their uncle.
*Hunter mentions and talks about Kierra alot, it is okay for those discussions to be happy ones too.
*Other than local friends & family, Brianne & Chad did not get any cards for their birthdays..that bites.
*I can still go places and do things, I just need to plan ahead, so ask me, if I can do it, I will!
*We aren't sure how we will handle the Holidays this year.. we will let you all know.
*We are still trying to figure out how to expand our house. ($$)
*I would love to get a small camper or RV to be able to travel more and go camping with all the kids.
*Starbucks Vanilla Chai Latte is my new favorite drink.
*Carraba's house salad is my favorite salad (now that the Light House Grille is closed!)
*I would love to go to the horse ranch in Madison, GA again.
*I would love to take Paula Deen's cooking class in Savannah, GA.
*My 25th High School reunion is in Oct. (yes, I am that old!)
Monday, August 28, 2006
Hunter's Progress at School..
Thursday Brian went to school and spent 3/4 of the day with Hunter. He got an "in between" face on his daily report. Not all bad, but not good. He really only behaved when Brian was there. Then Friday he had another "in between" day, a parent helper spent most of her time right with him helping control him. Not much better, but I will take what I can get. His therapist has suggested we do a Conner's Scale to rate his behavior at school. She saw signs of him being unable to focus or sit still for any length of time. There is a huge family history on all sides of attention deficit issues, learning problems, and a miriad of other problems. He has an appointment with his pediatrician tomorrow afternoon to discuss the Conner's results and options. Chad had to be on meds for ADHD. He quit taking them when he was a teenager. I think they helped but I had to demand better meds as the military tended to go with the older protocols. A low dose med may help take the edge off. I don't want to be the type of parent who refuses to believe her child has a problem, but I also don't want to jump at the first excuse for the problem either. Today has made it easier for me to accept he may need some type of medication to help him settle down enought to focus. Last night Hunter started having cold symptoms. No fever. So this morning I gave him some cold medicine before he went to school. I got a phone call about noon from his teacher. My first gut reaction was.. "Oh No, I don't have the time or energy to have to go to the school right now!" My heart sank at the sound of his teacher's voice. Until she got to the part that Hunter was having an awesome day! I was so excited.. and so was she, she just had to call me. When I picked him up we were all excited.. he got his first happy face! Then we had karate & I had forgotten his cold medicine. It was due at about 3 pm, when I picked him up from school. By the time he was at Karate class at 4 pm, he was bouncing around and not listening again. His instructor had to speak to him several times throughout class. So I will listen at the Dr. appt tomorrow with more of an open mind about medication. I want Hunter to learn and thrive in his school environment. I want him to have the best possible chance to succeed. And I want to answer my phone when his teacher calls without the dread and disappointment I felt when I first heard her voice today, after 3 weeks of constant problems. Today was a Great Day! He was so happy & proud. We haven't had many days to feel that way, I'll take all I can get!
Kitchen redo
This shows the wall where the kitchen nook set used to be.. covered with "stuff" and of no use. Now that is in the dining room/ play area, & the kids love it to play on and it is easier than me eating with them at their fisher price picnic table! I took this photo half done, half not, so you can see what is behind the curtain. My walls are really pale yellow, not the lime green they look here! I now have enough room to set up my craft table to sew, scrap book or whatever.. the kitchen is a gated off "no Kid" zone. I love it.. Thanks terri for giving me the idea to change things, I had planned to put the shelves in the garage and store my extra stuff there, but this turned out so much better!
Too busy to blog?!?
Wow, it is Monday night! Have I really been too busy to blog?! Here is a recap of my "time off";
Saturday morning Terri & I dragged Nancy kayaking with us at the Guana State Park. It was a good time had by all, Nancy even liked it! We had some hard current heading back in, but the sun was shining, and we were with friends.. what's a little upper body workout compared to that?! We rejuvenated ourselves at Cap's on the water for lunch and beat the rain when we headed our seperate ways. I spent the rest of Saturday pulling apart my kitchen and rearranging a bit in between coralling the kids. Actually that project took me well into Sunday & Sunday night, but I did take a break Sunday morning to meet Terri back at Guana for another kayak stroll on the water. I felt sooo spoiled being able to go two mornings in a row! I am itching to get back down to Rainbow Springs.. that will be a definite road trip in the next couple weeks!
Friday, August 25, 2006
A ping pong ball..
I know I jump from funny to sad, to general info to serious. You may feel like a ping pong ball being smacked back & forth.. sorry! Imagine how it feels to me! I was reading back over my blog from the wee hours of this morning. And although I was truthful, I may not have been completely forth coming about the whole do-gooder thing. It is like in the movie Shrek.. it has layers. More like an onion.. less like a parfait. Totally confused now?! Take a break and watch the movie, it is a good one and worthy of a few chuckles. And I am all about the chuckles..
Okay, now for the serious stuff.. and please understand.. I know the reality of it all, I can rationalize it all. But I can't always keep some of the darker and less sane thoughts from creeping in from time to time. And don't argue with me.. no one knows all my secrets.. no one knows all the things I have done in my life. I'm not all bad, but trust me, I am not all good either, and was even less so in my younger days!
I know deep down inside I have a little voice that says, "If I had been a better person, if I had not done some of the things I've done.. my daughter might still be here. Maybe that is why God has done this to us." I have always been a selfish person. I have not led an altruistic life. This is what grief does.. this is the guilt it gives to you along with the pain, the depression, the gaping black hole. The guilt isn't rational, it rarely makes sense. It doesn't have to. Any more than her death makes sense. I wasn't even here that day, I was hours from home. And that sometimes haunts me too. "If I had been home, I could have changed it. I could have done something!" It isn't rational, but it pops into my head from time to time. So part of trying to do for others is that guilt, and the fear that it could happen again to someone else I love. So I will do more, I will do better. Rational? No. But it is what it is.. that ping pong ball bouncing around inside my head.
It's 3 am.. Do You Know Where YOU Are?
I am here..exactly where "here" is at this point in my life I am not so sure! I am sure that it is not anywhere I ever planned it to be. No laughing.. I went to my first PTA meeting tonight. Yes, Hunter is my 4th child, but No, I never went to anything PTA before. Maybe it was the old song Harper Valley PTA, or maybe I felt too far out of the "normal" box to be part of the PTA before. OK, stop giggling & snorting.. no, I do not consider myself anywhere near the "normal" box now either. So maybe it is a desperate attempt to look normal? I have no idea. I am doing alot of things I never thought I would be doing, so what's one more?! I can't seem to find a comfortable fit with anything I do, but will keep trudging on and see where it takes me. Blind faith? You Betcha. Because even the best laid plans most often get shot all to hell.
I was cooking a meal for a JACKPOTT family tonight when Brian got home from work at about 1:30 am. I will deliver it tomorrow morning along with some bread, salad, & dessert. It motivated me to cook for us too. No one else had stepped up to help this family in need and I just felt like it was the right thing to do. But is it truly an altruistic act? Honestly.. no. I know if I inundate myself with things to do, especially for others (because that is more of a committment and I have to follow through), then I have less time to think, or to feel. I exhaust myself emotionally. Well, I try to. As you can see it is after 3 am EST and I am still up and at it. But there is so much I can't control (another issue for me!) and so much I feel isn't productive or doesn't give me a sense of worth, so I fill my life up with more & more to do. Yet I still feel like I don't do enough. I'm running a Hamster Wheel Marathon. I know what I am doing.. and deep down I know why.. knowing doesn't mean I can make myself do anything to change it.. and would I? No, not really.. because either way I would be right back where I am..right here.. wherever "here" is..
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Mada Lynn Caudle 4.16.88-8.23.03
My friend Nancy, who I have known since sometime in Middle school, gave birth to Mada April 16, 1988. I took a trip to visit them that summer in Indiana. Mada was born with a multitude of physical problems, but she was born with the purest and most perfect heart. She taught us all so much about life, and love, and faith. Even knowing she was leaving all of us here.. she gave all her strength in planning her own funeral, picking out her favorite songs, and telling us all not to cry. She was ready to go, to run free in heaven. She was ready to meet her God and leave her frail, physical body here. I envy her faith. Mada was a doer.. she dreamed of swimming with dolphins, and the summer before her death she did that with her Mom, her brother, and her sister. She dreamed of meeting Cher, and she did that...she even gave Cher a gift... a bible.. Cher thanked Mada and told her she didn't have one of those! But that is so like Mada, to have no qualms or fears to take on something she believed in. Terri & I went with Nancy to Indiana. We managed to get there before Mada died and we got to say our goodbyes. I have to admit I cried. I read Mada a book about Haven and brushed her hair. I tried to be strong for her, but my selfish tears won out. Nancy, Terri, & I drove home. It was a chance to decompress form the 3 days worth of wakes and funeral services. On the trip back was when Kierra called me and told me she was having twins. We stopped in Pigeon Forge and hit the outlet stores just before they closed for some shopping therapy. The emotional rollercoaster of the grief of death, yet the celebration of newborn life was a hard ride. I am sure Mada was smiling down on us ( well maybe scolding me too!) as I said "oh Shit!" about a dozen times when Kie said there were 2 babies coming. Nancy & I have shared a lot in our lives, traveled some of the same roads, tho not always at the same time. We never wanted to share this, the loss of a child, never wanted the other to feel this kind of pain. I thought I could understand when Mada died, how torn Nancy's heart was.. but I didn't, couldn't have known the depths of it until Kierra's death. It has been 3 years since that trip to Indiana. I Can Only Imagine was one of the songs played at Mada's funeral service. I don't hear it often.. but I changed my radio station the day Kierra died, before I knew... 3 times, and each time that song came on within a minute of me changing it.. Mada always did make herself heard, even when no one wanted to listen....
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
The Chad is Great!
That is a line from a movie and part of a comment a friend of mine left on one of my blog entries.. very cute! But today he was great. And he is alot of the time. Last week when Hunter was first having problems at school, Chad took time and talked to him.. Hunter was so thrilled because Chad gave him a real hug! (Chad does not hug often!) Today was a long & somewhat stressful day for me. Hunter is still having problems and there doesn't seem to be much improvement. My Dr. says to avoid stress! HaHaHa! When Hunter & I got home Chad took over.. he took all Hunter's playtime stuff & TV out of his room for me, (which he will get back when his behavior improves) and he ordered pizza for dinner and helped with the kids. (Hunter did not get Pizza!) I wonder if Chad will ever want his own children? He says NO!
Monday, August 21, 2006
Four Kids Aug. 22, 2004
Chad 18 years, Hunter 4 years, Kierra 23 years, Brianne 20 years old. One of my favorites of the four of them. I will post some more as I come accross them & scan them.
Brianne & Chad Dec. 2001
Chad at 15 years old.. with Brianne who was 17 years old.. both still kids at heart!
Chad August 1994
8 years old. We lived in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I think this was one of the few times I ever saw him with a football. He played soccer in England, but never seemed interested in sports once we got back stateside. Gosh, this seems like yesterday! He is 20 years old now! Of course he felt the need to age me a little more the other day when he reminded me that by the time the twins are 18, he will be almost 36 years old!! I can't think that far ahead..
Chad in Tux 1991
Such a little man! I had dressed the three kids up when we lived in Swaffham, England to take pictures to send back home. Note that he is barefoot.. he hated dressing up! But he did it for me, (and a few candy bribes!) He was about 5 years old here.
Happy Birthday to my Baby Boy!
August 21, 1986 at 12:00pm (Noon) on a bright and sunny Thursday, Chad Louis Shore was born. 6 lbs 15 oz 20 3/4 inches long. He was our miracle baby in that we still aren't sure how he was conceived through 3 different forms of birth control! And no, there was never an opportunity for an oops! But we were blessed with our beautiful baby boy after only 15 minutes of contractions and no stitches. Actually I had more contractions than that, but I had walked so much during my pregnancy my muscles were so toned that I only felt the last 15 minutes. He was supposed to be Brent Louis, but we both looked at him and didn't see "Brent". Friends of ours had a son the same week Brianne was born and they named him Chad, so we called them and asked if they wouldn't mind us naming our son Chad. They thought it was great, and so he was named Chad! His face is scratched up in this picture because he kept taking his little mittens off. He was stubborn even then!
Saturday, August 19, 2006
If That's What It Takes..
I have been bitching for weeks now about Brian not being able to transfer to day shift. Now he is working Mandatory Overtime. I am having a hard time not interfering (surprise, surprise!). I feel so useless while he busts his ass to provide for all of us. I was listening to my Celine Dion "Falling Into You" CD to day and this song really says it all from me to Brian.. I Love You Baby..
You're the bravest of hearts, you're the strongest of souls
You're my light in the dark, youre the place I call home
You can say its all right, but I know that you're breaking up inside
I see it in your eyes
Even you face the night afraid and alone
Thats why I'll be there
When the storm rises up, when the shadows descend
Every beat of my heart, every day without end
Every second I live, that's the promise I make
Baby, that's what I'll give, if thats what it takes
If that's what it takes
You can sleep in my arms, you dont have to explain
When your heart's crying out, baby, whisper my name
Cause I've reached out for you when the thunder is crashing up above
Youve given me your love
When your smile like the sun that shines through the pain
Thats why I'll be there
When the storm rises up, when the shadows descend
Every beat of my heart, every day without end
I will stand like a rock, I will bend till I break
Till there's no more to give, if that's what it takes
I will risk everything, I will fight, I will bleed
I will lay down my life, if that's what you need
Every second I live, that's the promise I make
Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes
Through the wind and the rain, through the smoke and the fire
When the fear rises up, when the waves ever higher
I will lay down my heart, my body, my soul
I will hold on all night and never let go
Every second I live, that's the promise I make
Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes
If that's what it takes
Every day..If that's what it takes
Tristan 8 18 06
The silent partner in crime.. the first to tattle, and the first to run when they get caught!
Alexa 8 18 06
Another sweet face that can be, oh so, deceiving! She has become my "organic" artist.. last night it took me 30 minutes to clean her "artwork" off her bed & wall from what she had in her diaper when she took it off!
Hunter 8 18 06
Hunter with his new glasses. How could that sweet face be driving me so crazy lately?!
Thursday, August 17, 2006
At My Wit's End!
I have tried everything I can think of, everything the therapist has thought of, everything his teacher has thought of, everything the principal has thought of... and I don't know what else to do. Hunter is not doing well in school. Honestly that is putting it mildly. His teacher considered the first week getting adjusted. She sent home a progress report Monday that had 6 sad faces, 3 neutral faces, and 1 happy face. Hunter & I talked about it, I made up some daily progress sheets and we decided tomorrow was going to be a better day.. but it wasn't, it was worse, and so was the next day, and the next! I got called to the school today because he refused to do his work and was disrupting the entire class. I talked to him, went to lunch and talked to him some more, then after lunch we went and talked to the guidance counselor and then the principal. He agreed to make better choices and instead of trying for a whole day of listening and doing his work, we would try for just the hour and a half left of school. Again he chose to be a brat. I am trying to be consistent. He has lost all TV and pool priveleges until we get a good report from school. He had to get 2 days good report to go to 2 birthday parties that he was invited to this weekend. He will not be going. I have gone down the list of all the behavior options, and the ways to motivate better behavior. We start every morning as a new day, we stay positive and let him know we know he can do it. I was on the verge of tears today when I picked him up because I don't know what else to do. We will stick with what the therapist reccomends and hopefully next week will be better. I am at my wit's end!!
My Left Foot..
My intermediate cuneiform bone that they thought had a stress fracture either has healed, or wasn't as bad as they thought. My bone scan showed that bone is fine.. my Cuboid bone however, is fractured. I have been taking the correct precautions for the cuneiform bone to heal, but those same precautions,(how I walk on that foot..) have only worsened the problem with the cuboid bone. I am now in my fracture boot 24/7, even while I sleep. If that doesn't show improvement in 2 weeks I may be forced into a hard cast, which I have avoided so far. Just giving the twins a bath gets me soaked, a cast is not an option! Wish me luck, say a few prayers.. whatever works!
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
The Woman in the Mirror..
Tonight Greta ( my sister) and I went shopping. We are going on a cruise with our husbands, our Uncle, and our sister, Robyn, and a group of people we know from Tennessee, the first week of October. We were just going to look. (yea, right!) David's Bridal was having a big sale. We tried some on at the Regency store, then headed to the Avenues store. I found an absolutely gorgeous deep dusty rose colored dress with a wrap. Embossed Jacquard, with beads scattered throughout. Scarfy draped bottom. V-neck sleeveless with a matching wrap. Well, this "me" dress didn't fit me, and looked dynamite on Greta ( the Beeotch! And then at check out it was on sale for even less than we thought!) Then I tried a dress she had picked out, not a dress I would typically think of for myself. Sleeveless V-neck black lace cocktail dress with black and blue beads all over.
Very Classic. I went out of the fitting room to look in the mirror... who was that woman? I didn't look like myself. I didn't look like a Mom, or a Nana, I looked like a woman in a beautiful dress. I even kept it on for a few minutes and couldn't get over the difference. I have alot of pretty dresses. But this one is different, at least I felt different in it. Despite my telling her not to, Greta got me the dress, she said I had to have it. And I have to admit I am getting excited about the cruise. I am looking forward to wearing that dress. And maybe getting to know that woman in the mirror..
Very Classic. I went out of the fitting room to look in the mirror... who was that woman? I didn't look like myself. I didn't look like a Mom, or a Nana, I looked like a woman in a beautiful dress. I even kept it on for a few minutes and couldn't get over the difference. I have alot of pretty dresses. But this one is different, at least I felt different in it. Despite my telling her not to, Greta got me the dress, she said I had to have it. And I have to admit I am getting excited about the cruise. I am looking forward to wearing that dress. And maybe getting to know that woman in the mirror..
Monday, August 14, 2006
Sick & Tired..
Not from the normal things I am sick & tired of, but really sick.. nasty headache to the point of making me physically ill during the night and this morning. Down to a dull roar now, but has left me wiped out and exhausted. I had to wake Brian up to take Hunter to school, I could barely function. When I bent down to change the twins diapers when they woke up, I was in tears it hurt so bad. Lexie touched my face and asked.. "why cryin?" I told her my head hurt and she rubbed it for me. Then they dragged their pillows and blankets out to the living room and we all laid quietly and watched their morning shows. They don't usually do that. It was a big help to not having them run all over being loud with their toys and demanding my attention.
Then I went to the chiropractor and he adjusted my neck and back. It seems to have helped. I picked Hunter up from school. His teacher didn't look very happy and asked if she could call me to talk. I asked Hunter how his day was and he said "not so good." He had a progress report in his bag.. 6 sad faces, 3 neutral faces, and 1 happy face. He has been loud and disruptive in class and when walking to and from other classes and lunch. He isn't listening when asked to calm or quiet down. He won't settle down and do his work. So now he will be on daily progress reports, no tv or pool time, and we had a long talk with his Karate teacher as well since he had karate today. Maybe with some teamwork and motivation we can turn him back around. He has had these types of behavior for the last couple months, but had been working on it at home. I had hoped school would help. It definitely didn't help my mood today. So he and I have agreed tomorrow will be a better day... God, I hope so!
Sunday, August 13, 2006
She's a Butterfly (by Martina McBride)
This was a song I heard and played for Brianne several months ago after I heard her sing at church..my baby girl is grown up, and is spreading her wings more every day, showing all her beautiful colors as she flys..
She remembers when she first got her wings
And how she opened up that day she learned to sing
Then the colors came, erased the black and white
And her whole world changed when she realized
She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky
Nothing's ever gonna bring her down
And everywhere she goes
Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive
She's a butterfly
Like the purest light in a darkened world
So much hope inside such a lovely girl
You should see her fly, it's almost magical
It makes you wanna cry, she's so beautiful
God bless the butterfly, give her the strength to fly
Never let her wings touch the ground
God bless the butterfly, give her strength to fly
Never let her wings touch the ground
God bless the butterfly, give her the strength to fly
Never let her wings touch the ground
God bless the butterfly, give her the strenght to fly
Never let her wings touch the ground
Baby Mine..
Baby mine, don't you cry.
Baby mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine.
Little one, when you play, pay no heed what they say.
Let your eyes sparkle and shine, never a tear, baby of mine.
If they knew all about you, they'd end up loving you, too.
All those same people who scold you,
what they'd give just for the right to hold you.
From your hair down to your toes, you're not much, goodness knows.
But, you're so precious to me, sweet as can be, baby of mine.
This song was from Brianne's first Ballet recital when she was about 5 years old. The she used it again for the Father Daughter dance at her wedding. It always represented her child hood. Born at 7:41 am on August 13th 1984 in Cheyenne, Wyoming. She was wished for, and waited for long before we found out we were expecting her just before Christmas of '83. She weighed 6 lbs 14 oz and was 21 inches long. We picked her name off a TV movie, and it wasn't until years later someone said how nice it was we named her after Brian, since Brianne is the feminine form of his name. Cool Coincidence? Fate? She has grown up to be a remarkable young woman. We are very proud of her. Not so much a child anymore, but always our little girl..our Baby Mine..
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Lawrence Welk
I was just visiting Elaine's blog..Kalilily Time: no Lawrence Welk world and was reminded of a different time & place in my life. The immediate response was of Saturday nights with my Nana at 6pm. Lawrence Welk time. Such an idealic world it was for me. Then I question myself.. was it really?? At Nana's it was, but at home my life was not what it always appeared to be. It was a fearful, painful existence that was hidden in the dark corners where no one looked and no one saw. But I grew up and I survived. And I do have good memories that push away the bad.
So I wonder if that is how it will be with my grief.. I do have many good memories, and this pain isn't from bad memories, but from the loss, the void created by Kierra's death. I won't be growing "up" just growing old! And I will/ am surviving. My life is far from Idealic, but is also far from the depths it has been.
I used to sing the Lawrence Welk farewell song to all the kids at bedtime, so on that note.. "Good Night, Sleep Tight, and Pleasant Dreams to You.. With a Wish, and a Prayer, That all Your Dreams Come True. And Now til We Meet Again.. Adios, Au Revior, Auf Wiedersehen.. Good Night!"
Max with his new toy!
Max.. aka Rocki ( his new name! He already answers to it!) Isn't he adorable! His new life with Brenda definitely agrees with him.. he is sooo spoiled, which is exactly what I wanted for him. He came along way from 3.5 oz! He weighed almost 8 lbs when he got neutered last week! (yup, he is now Rocki, without the rocks!)
Thursday, August 10, 2006
A Few More for Thought..
"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is about." Angela Schwindt
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"Three grand esentials to happiness in this life are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." Joseph Addison
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"Friendship begins when even without words we understand how someone feels." Joan Walsh Anglund
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"Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you." H. Jackson Brown Jr.
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"Everything has it's wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content." Helen Keller
On a lighter note..
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
The Journey..
I wrote this for my sister, Greta, a few years ago. I have thought about it alot lately. At the time she was going through alot and this came to me in a dream about her. So it is with a bit of Deja Vu that I see myself on this journey now..
THE JOURNEY
I take this journey with uncertain steps,
though sometimes I just want to run!
Never too sure which way to turn,
or where I'll end up when it's done.
_____________________________
I look back thinking we've come so far,
yet the road ahead looks longer.
At times it seems too far to go,
& I wish I were a little younger!
_________________________
Too often I feel I am on my own,
and the weight I carry too great.
Or everyone else is so far ahead,
they can't hear my call to "wait!"
_______________________
How much farther must I go?
Does it matter my body aches?
This can't be the journey meant for me,
it must be some mistake.
_____________________________
Yet in the quiet that comes with night,
when all is said and done,
this journey is what I make of it,
almost over, or just begun..
___________
mjs 9/22/02
Slamogram!
You would think with all the advances of modern medicine there would be a new technique for Mammograms. My friend Dori calls them slamograms.. how apropo! I had mine today.. whoopee! At least my technician was a woman. If I am going to have my breasts pushed, pulled and squished while being an upper body contortionist, in a cold, medical setting.. I would prefer it to be done by a woman! At least they have some compassion! If a man is doing all that it better be my husband!
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
A Bit Disappointed..
I spent the day busily getting ready for a JACKPOTT meeting tonight. That is Jacksonville Parents of Twins & Triplets. I had sent out an e-mail asking for help to do a kind of bake sale at our meeting tonight to help out one of our families with a football team they have taken on this year so their kids could play ball. I was very suprised at the lack of response I got. There were 3 other people beside myself who brought something. I explained what it was for and how I had gotten invoved with JACKPOTT because I thought it a great chance to help each other out and give something back. We would have pooled more money if we just gave them the cash we spent for what we brought! The Mom I was trying ot help has done alot for the club and I was just a bit disappointed by the lack of interest. We almost had more prospective members than our actual members at the meeting. I notice the same ones are always the "givers", willing to do for others and help out when needed. Are my expectations too high? Is it wrong to expect the same level of effort that I bring to it from the others? I do tend to do that sometimes. I am glad for the ones who are so generous with themselves and their time. I am just a bit disappointed in the rest.
Sometimes Crazy!
Hunter made a comment the other day that I had forgotten about until my mind was jogged by another blogger. He told me he doesn't want to be a Mom when he grows up. I told him that was okay because he was a boy which would make him a Dad when he grows up, gets married , and has children..hopefully in that order! He said that was good because being a Mom was too much work and it made you tired, grumpy, and sometimes crazy! Out of the mouths of babes!
Today was another busy day and I am beat. I guess that covers the tired and grumpy part. And it is good to know he thinks I am only sometimes crazy!
Monday, August 07, 2006
What a nice suprise..
Today was busy! I got through Hunter's first day of school..almost cried.. but didn't. I went to the school's Boo Hoo Breakfast for the kindergarten Mom's. It was just a meet & greet kind of thing. There were one or two mom's my age, the rest are young and their kids were their fist to go to school.. so I felt like a nanny goat in a pen full of kids! I didn't stay long. I took the twins to day care, had a nice lunch with Dori, drank a cup of coffee and read my book at the Starbucks right near Hunter's school. Picked him up, took him to karate, picked up the twins and we were back home just before 6 pm.
And the nice suprise was.. I didn't have to worry about dinner! One of our neighbors used to be Kierra & Brianne's math teacher in high school. He & his wife are the sweetest people. Linda called me today and said she was fixing us dinner, when was the best time to bring it by? I told her she didn't have to and she told me yes she did. She had been thinking about us and how at first we had everyone huddled around us and people figure that's not needed anymore and she felt that wasn't right. She wouldn't take no for an answer and I am so glad! I hadn't even planned on dinner and it was great to have it done for me! I told her I would pick it up on our way home to save the trouble of bringing it to us. She made a roast with fresh carrots, rice, biscuits & croissants, gravy, and turnovers! It was all so good, and the kids loved it too! It saved me at least an hour in the kitchen and I was able to get every one bathed and ready for bed without the extra hassle. What a treat and what a nice suprise!
fishy face
He isn't sunburned, this pic just came out a little red! This was him goofing off when I wanted a picture for his first day of school!
First day of school
My little man had his first day of school today! Isn't he handsome! He did very well and had a great day! There were a couple children crying this morning and I heard him tell one of them "it's okay, our Mom's don't leave us here forever, they'll come back later." What a great kid! (of course I am biased!)
The wind, the water, and the wonder..
Kayaking was great! I really love my sidekick kayak. It handled alot better than I thought. Terri has a Twist, one-person kayak and it was just as heavy as mine, but alot shorter. The weather was good to us, a light breeze over the water, and we are both wearing the results of direct sun on water without enough sunscreen! I am glad I wore a hat. We ended up on a lake on the interior side of Guana park. The intercoastal was about to go out to low tide and we wouldn't have been able to get back in until after 2pm. We were out from about 10am-12pm. We paddled about half of the lake. Still dark water, but saltwater. Saw several large jellyfish which were interesting. And Terri had a mullet jump in her boat. She did a good job of tossing him back without tipping! It felt good to be back out there. I had a few moments when I checked the time and realized it was almost 11:15, on a Sunday, and I was out on the water. I closed my eyes and coasted for a minute. Some of that day came back to me. When I opened my eyes a dragon fly flew by. It was the only one I saw until we were back on land then I saw another one when we were loading the kayaks back up. That day will always be with me, and there will be times I can't hold it back, but I know I can still take in the beauty and wonder around me and appreciate that I am still alive and it's okay.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
The least we can do..
I "blog jump"- I check out blogs, then click on links in their blogs and go to other blogs. I saw this in one of my "jumps" and am compelled to share it. It is an article that may be hard for some to read. But I think reading it is the least we can do for our service men & women who risk, and sometimes.. lose, their lives for us. It is long, 12 pages, but once you start you will be drawn to finish. Sad, yet poignant, and beautiful. If I already e-mailed this to you and you already read it.. good for you. If not, here's your chance..
Dark Water..
Well, I have been up almost all night. Dozed on the couch for about 45 minutes between 2 & 3am. I labeled all of Hunter's school items.. even the pencils! (Now before you claim I am OCD..the teacher's supply list asked us to do that!) Of course I used a label maker.. that may count as OCD so for those who thought it.. you got me!
I finally got the sidebar on this back up where it belongs. I also added a couple more links and I got a copyright for this blog since I may want to publish some of the stuff from it, and I needed one for the Citizens Against Road Rage site. I never know who may come accross it and want to use something from it.. just another way to CMA (Cover My Ass!)
I have my kayak loaded along with the gear. Terri & I are going to take a trip in Guana State Park (South Ponte Vedra Beach near St. Augustine). I wanted to go a couple weeks ago with Hunter but had the soft cast on my foot and couldn't go. Brianne is taking the kids for the day.. God Bless her!! (& Justin). I think the excitement is part of my sleeplessness. I am sure I made quite a picture with the kayak on the front lawn with me sitting in it adjusting the seat (with my fracture boot on, which I am sure added to the comical sight!). But I figured that was better than trying to do it in the water and flipping myself in every time I tried to adjust it. It is the first time using my kayak and seat, so I had to get it all set up. 3 of my neighbors just had to ask me if I was waiting for the tide to come in, or was there a weather bulletin they didn't know about. I am glad I gave them something to laugh about! I will fill you all in later tonight on how my venture into "dark water" turns out. I usually kayak down in Dunnellon on the Rainbow Springs River. It is 7+ miles of spring fed, crystal clear water. Constant 72 degrees. You can see everything in it, which does not include snakes or gators because the water is too cold. Guana is part of the St. John's River system which merges with the ocean just south of where we will be. It is not clear water, which is why I am not taking Hunter. I don't intend to flip or go in unwillingly, but it does happen from time to time. It should be some interesting paddling. I am really looking forward to it! TTYL
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Rose Colored Glasses..
Actually they will be clear glasses in brown "magic twistable" frames. (Which is supposed to mean they are virtually indestructible!) Hunter went to the eye doctor today and will be wearing glasses in about a week. He had some issues on a pre-school screening, so we followed up and had some tests done today. He has a weak right eye and a visual deficit in his left eye. He thinks it is the coolest thing because he knows so many people with glasses. I am sure he won't think that when some cruel child decides to pick on him.
3 hours at the eye Dr. gave me plenty of time to think. I thought of how we see things so differently from one person to another. We can look at the same thing or deal with the same situation, yet what and how we see it varies. The human psyhe is amazing, as much as it is baffling. I spent some time with friends tonight and there were a couple discussions about the Venus/Mars (Woman/Man) perceptions. One example was something I did to decorate a wall in our home. We have a long windowless wall from our living room & dining room to the kitchen. It is a pretty long wall. I hung a curtain rod and curtains to create a "Faux" window in our dining area. Women thought it was great, what a neat idea. Guys just didn't get it. "Why would you put up curtains when there isn't a window there?" Some even went over and checked behind the curtains. " Why did you do that? There's no window!" And when I tried to explain it was just for decoration, to break up the long wall, to do something different.. they just couldn't register it.. "But why curtains? There isn't a window there!" I got bored with it after a while and rearranged a bit, put something else on that wall. I am thinking of doing the curtain thing again.. even if just to freak out all the guys and keep them guessing again! I could use the laugh!
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Side Bar Missing..
I am clueless why the sidebar to this blog has moved down to the bottom of the page, so scan down for links, etc. It has done it once before and eventually righted itself. I have checked the template and can't find an error there, so who knows.. in the grand scheme of things it just isn't that big a deal, but for those of you who use the links, they are there, just at the bottom right of the page. Sorry!
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
The Ant Bully
I am listening to the twins yell & carry on in their room. They are supposed to be taking a nap! LOL. I took them to the movies today to see The Ant Bully.. a very good movie. They loved it. Of course they acted all sleepy in the car so I thought they would actually take an easy nap.. haha.. joke's on me! It was great to be with the 3 of them out of the house, in a fun, yet quiet, activity. They love going to the movies and it gives me a break as far as having to entertain them for an hour and a half. Plus I liked the movie too, so it was all good. Now some of you may be thinking I am crazy to do this myself, but there is a method to the madness. I take the double stroller, which keeps the twins sitting rather than running amok. I bring little bags to give them popcorn in and use little cups to give them fruit snacks or teddy grahams. They have their sippy cups, Hunter gets a kid's pack with a drink, so everyone is happy. As long as the movie isn't too long they do great. Regal has free movies every Tues. at 10 am and AMC has them on Wed. at 10:30 throughout the summer. Today's movie was Racing Stripes which we have on DVD and since it wasn't a cartoon I didn't think the twins would be real receptive. But The Ant Bully was funny and taught a good lesson, so it was worth it. Another plus.. at Regal the twins are free.. AMC charges kid's price for 2 and up. So I guess I will give in and let the twins go in the pool or play on the playground since, from the sound of it, they aren't planning on napping! Maybe they will go to bed early??
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Anger..
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, affliction, anger, from Old Norse angr grief; akin to Old English enge narrow, Latin angere to strangle, Greek anchein
1 : a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism
synonyms ANGER, IRE, RAGE, FURY, INDIGNATION, WRATH mean an intense emotional state induced by displeasure.
ANGER, the most general term, names the reaction but in itself conveys nothing about intensity or justification or manifestation of the emotional state .
IRE, more frequent in literary contexts, may suggest greater intensity than anger, often with an evident display of feeling .
RAGE suggests loss of self-control from violence of emotion .
FURY is overmastering destructive rage that can verge on madness .
INDIGNATION stresses righteous anger at what one considers unfair, mean, or shameful .
WRATH is likely to suggest a desire or intent to revenge or punish .
I was trying to verbalize my anger.. the extent of it, the volume of it, and could not find the words. Good old Merriam-Webster Dictionary seemed to cover the jist of it. I have been referred to as a control freak. I am not offended. I am a control freak. So it goes that it does not sit well with me that I can not control my anger. Although now that I have read an extended definition, I prefer Fury or Wrath, maybe even both. I can be performing the simplest of tasks and it comsumes me suddenly. That bastard is going about his life, while we are struggling to grieve and raise our family in this new world we have been forced to live in. I can't bring myself to accept the so-called process of justice. We struggle and suffer every day. Brian works much too hard to support all of us. Anger, Fury, Wrath, you betcha..
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